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Television Title: Entertainment v MWG (c)


League Member
Jan 1, 2000
Boston and other places.
I'm a stupid whore

(CUEUP: “Red Handed Blue Prints” by the Chainletter…)
(high angle shot of MWG, television title belt stuffed down his mini skirt, no shirt, made up like a tramp….feather boa wrapped around his neck, sitting in a bathroom stall somewhere in Hollywood. Your man’s whole torso is covered in scars, purple lipstick smeared on crocked, eyes noticeably bloodshot…smoking Newports, and….oh my god, is he glowing?)

“the IT boy”
“the hardcore legend”
“The American Idol”
“the one man bump-o-rama”
“the surreal”
“twice TV champion…”
EMDUBBAYAGEE: I betcha some of you doubted me, huh?

I bet a few of you…not everybody, not my babies, not my luscious little pets….but a few….listened when Jason Payne said he’d end me. That’d he take me to a bad, awful hurting place from which I would never ever never ever emerge…

To JayPay’s credit, the poor thing, he’s like a determined little puppy….he tried. He tried…so…hard….so…very….hard….

But the rest of my adoring public listened to me explain that there is no reasonable amount of bad touch that I cannot endure. That I have no already endured. That I will happily endure again. That I am insatiable.

Der-hey. By now…between sex and fights, maybe a third of the world population knows exactly how insatiable I am. A few others have seen it on TV. But there was still a quarter of the television audience who didn’t know about me, and maybe thought I was exaggerating a little when I said brute force….(rubs his stomach and bites his lip) simply would not unsettle me.

Quite the opposite…actually…

I hear a lot of big butch talk about wrestlers being whores, but I’m the only one who lives up to all that.

No, this is not an act boys. I really am this desperate for attention.

Do anything you want to me….Please….

I got my baby back, just like I said I would. I took the worst beating JayPay ever dished out, the worst thing he’s ever done, and then I just beat him. He’s all ashamed and apologizing, too innocent to understand that I really don’t care. It’s not that big of a deal! Yeah, maybe it was gross and a little weird. But it’s the kind of thing that happens in the heat of the moment….and I liked it.

Jaypay goes home with his tail hanging flaccid between his legs, but now he’s been educated. He’s been…experienced. His world…has…been…rocked….

(slowly pulls the TV title belt out of his skirt, and tosses it over his shoulder…)

Lesson learned, eh meathead? You disrespect me, a legend and a star, when you garner nothing but apathy for yourself on your good days, you f(bleep) with my heterosexual girlfriend, and you find out I’m not always so charming and sweet…You find out you’re not such a big tough man after all. Point of fact, I, a total sissy, am much…mmmmuch more hardcore than you. (whispers) Yeah…I’m hardcore…I’m hardcore…(huskies up his voice, going for sensuous) I’m…haaaardcore…I’m….hhhhaaaaard……

…….And so now what? Mr. Entertainment? He’s had what? Two matches? I watched him get beat by Cameron Cruise for pete’s sake. Cruise might be good looking and charismatic enough to steal Beau Michaels away from me, but jeez, sorry, he just ain’t that good of a wrestler.

Especially after what I just did to Jason Payne…is there anyone out there who honestly believes I won’t absolutely rrrrravage poor sad little Mr. Entertainment?....

C’mon now. Is there really?

I’m going to come all over your face, Mr. Entertainment….with punches and kicks and things. And then I’m going to impale you….That’s what they used to call my DDT move before I started using it. “The Impaler.”

These boys bore me. They all look the same, and none of them can keep up with me.

NEW probably thinks they’re saddling me with this title. Heaven forbid the fag embarrasses *another* world champion, eh? The P* belt is a cute idea. But honey, the P* circuit is like….sooo….1996? Hellion was never fit to wash my g-string, and Chaos isn’t even a very good facsimile….An unconvincing trannie is what he is….and of course, I’m the frickin’ hardcore legend here…

And really…what’s really more important? TV…or the World?

HA! Trick Question! Fooled ya. TV is the world. Nobody really takes Rabby seriously. My belt is like…waaaaaay more important? And I can prove it.

After I break Mr. Entertainment’s back with my cock, I start the chase. I’ve got something to prove to myself, you see. I’ve got emotional baggage. I need validation.

I need Cameron Cruise to scream my name….To the tune of faggot….faggot….. faggot.


New member
Nov 16, 2003
Nottingham, England
It's the Nutter Alert!!

Is it the pricking of the conscience?
Is it the itching of hair shirt?
Is it the dictionary definition of a precipice to skirt?


[FADE IN. A smoky room, with a strange, almost hypnotic lightshow dancing about through the darkness. The shot is viewed through an old technique, having an oil-filled filter over the lens, the oil dancing as it gets heated. All we can hear is the sound of Van Der Graaf Generator’s “Nutter Alert!”]

Though this face is familiar
Something in it has bred content.
I never asked for your opinion
Or your backhanded compliments
Oh but here comes that special nonsense,
All the words out in a spurt,
The unhinging of the trolley
As the mouth begins to blurt…




Oh, look out

[As the musical interlude kicks in, discordant as ever from the Generator, a spotlight shines down into the centre of the room, illuminating Mr Entertainment. The music fades down, as we prepare to hear from the man himself]

ME: Well, well, well. Entertainment pays off. LaRoque decides to make his position useful fer somethin’ and kicks Cameo and Intringent to the curb fer failin’ ta keep you, the people, glued to tha TV fer more than…six seconds. Says a lot when the President actually entertain’s people, don’t it?

And he makes the most sensible decision of his life. He decides ta save New Era by giving the TV title shot to someone who deserves it. Someone who beat Boozy Boris and Sparky the Plug in the same match. Someone who from the moment he set foot in this company has caused the ratings to ROCKET despite the best intentions of Boris, Borinator, and the walkin’ talkin’ freakshow. The man who will be the next true champ of the TV title…


Mr Entertainment.

Now, I know what ya’ll’re thinkin’, and yes, I am as great as you think. I managed ta carry Boozy Boris an’ Sparky to a match so good, the rest of the roster stepped it up a gear. They saw what a real man, a real entertainer, can do, and thought, hey, I wanna try. Now, granted, they didn’t match up to me, but I don’t see anyone on the roster who can. Ta put it simply, we’ve got the Borinator and Boozy fightin’ over one title, and a freak show carrying the other around on a gold dildo.

And people wonder why NEW staff were yawnin’ in Canada?

But enough about the ills of the NEW crew. Ya see, now, I’ve got the biggest challenge of my career. Carryin’ the walkin’ talkin’ freakshow to a decent match on RAPTURE.

Ya see, Emily, that's the challenge fer me - carryin' ya sorry poser ass to a match that'll be the pick of the calender.

Because that’s what you are - a poser. Hidin’ your sexual inadequacies behind a camouflage. You’re insaitiable. Well, that part’s true - yer stupidity knows no bounds. Yer ability ta bore people inta switchin’ channels is surpassed only by Boozy Boris and Rabesque. Hell, yer freak-show act is gonna make it hard fer me ta keep everyone entertained. But, I’m a man who win or lose steps up and delivers the buyrates that keep this company afloat, and you in employment.

I’ve heard ya speeches. Heard how ‘tough’ ya are, how hard. Heard ya claim superiority because you did something against some jackass called Maelstrom. Newsflash - one of the worst wrestlers on the planet, an asshole by the name Karl Brown, got a draw outta that guy. If he could get a draw, then of course you’d win - ya’d scare the guy inta submission.

Drop the act - it won’t phase me. The only thing hard about ya is sitting through yer mindless drivel - you ain’t hard in any other respect.

[The lyrics cut in again, as the light fades on Mr Entertainment]

I can see we’re in trouble
From that glint in the eye you’ve got;
There’s no sense to the story,
Comprehensively lost the plot.
And how contorted is that logic
You so forcefully exert:
You’re a car crash in the making,
Head on, that’s a racing cert.





[The song plays on, the spotlight coming up again]

ME: You wanna talk ‘bout Cameo scorin’ the one-up on me? Go ahead. Win or lose, don’t faze me. Talk about me loss ta him and Intringent if ya want - or my win over the number one contender to tha world title - and Sparky. I carried those two to a great match at International Intrigue - so great a match, you stepped up your game. Bring that game to our match - make it look like you stand a chance against me, like you can keep up. You’ll find yerself flat out, with all the pain ya impotence wants.

You’ll be the one singin’ at RAPTURE, not Cameo. The tune won’t be about bundles o’ sticks either.


[The track, having faded, begins again, as the spotlight again fades out]

It might come in a letter,
Darkness falls in a telephone call;
I await the unexpected
With one ear to the party wall.
Is it the pricking of the conscience,
Is it the itching of hair shirt,
Is it the dictionary definition of a precipice to skirt?




League Member
Jan 1, 2000
Boston and other places.
beating a dead horse.....off.

(CUEUP: “Panty Shot” by Mindless Self Indulgence…)
(CUTTO: The ghost of P* wrestling midcard legend and former PCP junkie, “the child prodigy” Johnny Havens is standing in front of a NEW logo, looking awfully smarmy and self assured for a dead guy. He’s in raggedy old black JNCO shorts and a “FAG POWER” T-shirt….)

THE GHOST OF JOHNNY HAVENS: Howdy ya’ll. Fer those of ya who haven’t heard of me before, mah name’s Johnny. Ah was quite the wrasslin’ sensation back in the day…Well, “sensation” might be a bit of a stretch. Lets say I always went out there to the ring and gave it 150%. Also, I worshiped the devil until my mom found my Marilyn Manson CDs under my mattress. Then she yelled at me until I became a born again Christian. Which didn’t suit me. Ah wasn’t getting laid much anyway, but ah didn’t like not being able to say words like f(bleep) or sh(bleep) or co(bleep) su(bleep)ing smegma head. So after a while the other shoe fell and I started smoking formaldehyde soaked cigarettes. Then I started scooting around on roller skates, giving handjobs for fivers, and eating poo just for the sheer thrill.

Em Dubbya used to beat me up a whole bunch in my wrasslin’ days. But we’ve become close friends since my death. Ah’m “haunting” him, y’see. (waves his arms around) OOOOOOOOOHHHHHH!!! AH’M SCARY!!! Heh heh heh.

At any ways, Ah asked Em if he’d let me do a little promo thingy….Partially for old times sake. Ah used to be in a lot of these, y’see. But also, because I have a special message for Mr. Entertainment, a boy after my own heart…

Y’see, Mr. Entertainment…..Ah’d dead. Ah put a gun down mah throat while Ashlee Simpson was givin’ me a BJ which I couldn’t even enjoy, on account of my nervous systems being so badly screwy from all the PCP. My body was eaten by asian slave girls. I spent the best years of my life living in a gutter…

And before that, I was just like you.

I got myself up on the TV, and I kept saying how great I was, and how I was so much better than Em Dubbya Gee that it was downright ludicrous that we were getting put against each other. I said I’d humiliate Em Dubbya Gee, I said I’d end Em Dubbya Gee’s career, and on and on and on….I think ah said a bunch of really homophobic stuff to. Not even like, normal grade homophobic stuff. More like, heterosexuals would’ve been offended homophobic stuff.

And after all that, good ole Em Dubbya? Well, he fed me mah own ass….over…and over…and over again. Now, he’s still a champion, and I’m a corpse. What does that tell you? I mean….F(BLEEP)KING LOOK AT ME!!!! (laughs a laugh that could be hysterical crying just as easily)

Don’t be a Johnny Havens, Mr. Entertainment. Don’t make the same mistakes I did. Don’t build yourself up so much you don’t have anywhere to go but down. And furthermore, don’t belittle Em Dubbya. I did that. I got f(bleep)ked. Jason Payne did that. He got f(bleep)ked to. If all this in any indicator of things…it’s that ah…I guess…if you’re going to beat Em Dubbya Gee, you actually have to be, y’know, good. You can’t just say you’re really good over and over again. Cuz then, next thing you know, you’re eating ass in the bathroom for the suppository hit of ecstasy up there….

Don’t end up like me, Mr. Entertainment. Don’t get f(bleep)ked. This early in ya’lls career….you might be able to just give a blow job and get out of this that way. It’ll sting ya’lls pride, but at least you’ll live to fight another day.

Anyways, here’s some footage we shot of Em Dubbya and that slender, sexy little gal Krist Blue watching the season premier of Gilmore Girls. Enjoy!

(CUTTO: MWG and Krist Blue, sitting on a sofa in Krist’s run down apartment, watching the um…yeah. Season premier of Gilmore Girls. MWG’s in jeans and a “Pink Panic” T-shirt, Krist’s in a standard yellow and orange sundress. They’re both sipping glasses of cheap wine.)

MWG: This episode blows.

KRIST: It’s not so bad.

MWG: I always assumed the show would end with Luke and Lorelei getting married. And they’re already doing that? How many more seasons can they possibly stretch this out to?

KRIST: Seventh Heaven’s been on for 10. So if they want to…much…much longer. Rory’s not even out of college yet. They could end the show with HER getting married.

MWG: (gasp) Oh! That’s sooooo creepy….Gawd I feel old.

KRIST: Especially considering there’s no WAY Rory could marry Logan, they’ve got at least two or three more years before she can meet the right guy and settle down.

MWG: Oh, no kidding? The wealthy, spoiled, cocky, alcoholic, yet devastatingly hot guy isn’t going to win Rory in the end?

KRIST: Eh, well, Logan’s not so bad. He seems to feel somewhat responsible for Rory dropping out of Yale….

MWG: F(bleep) him…seriously, we should. (fake laugh) But seriously serious, Rory’s just getting the party girl phase out of her system. Give it a few more months, and she’ll be back on the straight and narrow.

KRIST: Yeah, my mom and dad said the same thing about me….

MWG:…..Actually, yeah. So did mine…

(Yet another high society-ish fake laugh. MWG and Krist toast their wine glasses.)

KRIST: Rory could never be like us though.

MWG: Why not? Alexis Bledel played a whore in Sin City.

KRIST: Yeah, but it was like with that badass guy with the good heart she was dating for a while. It’s kinda hard to be a badass when you can’t even smoke cigarettes or swear on camera.

MWG: That’s good though. I’m kind of uncomfortable with the idea of Rory doing stuff like that. Even on these shows, with her drinking and gallivanting around with unseemly hedonistic types, I just keep remembering the sweet, innocent little girl reading Virginia Woolf novels in season one…and I think “what happened to her? What happened to my Rory?”

KRIST: She’ll turn face again, eventually….What about the truck driving meathead she dated in the high school episodes? Maybe he’ll come back for her.

MWG: Naw. He’s on another show now. I think.

KRIST: Yeah. Story of all of our love lives, eh?

MWG: Indeed.

(another toast)

KRIST: After this is over, wanna go have sex with that high school kid who let us handcuff him to the radiator?

MWG: (sigh)…Yeah.

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