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Teri Talk


Jan 1, 2000
(CUT TO: Teri Melton, wearing a tiarra and her Sunday best, in front of an A2K1 graphic.)

TERI: I was on the phone today with my very good friend Laura Bush about my current situation. It's good to have friends like Laura Bush or Elizabeth Dole to turn to when you are having a personal crisis... who aren't like Hillary Clinton, who has been *SO* hard to get a hold of since 9/11. Hillary, girl, you have to ask yourself what's more important... helping your constituents or helping MOI, especially after I had my daddy give you that VERY generous donation after he sold off his Enron stock.

But anyways, Laura told me about the time when she was younger... her and Dubya were still a young couple, and he was busy carrousing all the time, up all night drinking. And she did what she had to do... she put her foot down and got Dubya to straighten out, to stop drinking, to pay attention to her. She put her foot down, and look at where she brought him! He's now the president of the United States.

I listened closely to Laura and I took in her advice. She's up on all the latest gossip and knows that I have been entwined in a relationship with Hornet for some time. And she told me that I too had to put my custom Italian leather high-heeled shoe down. Thus, the Alpha Female is doing just that right now.

Hornet, I heard your latest interview. I've known for quite some time that you are a master of backstage politics... that you are a master of keeping people right where you want them. But enough's enough, Hornet. Stop with the lies, Hornet. Or do I need to bring Jewels Windham out here on national television to tell... IN DETAIL... about how *YOU* pressured her into sleeping with you, about how *YOU* wanted her to sleep with you and when she finally agreed... (Teri laughs.) well, someone's LITTLE STINGER didn't seem to work.

Of course, it worked for me, Hornet. After all... Farm trash floozies like Jewels Windham are a dime a dozen. But there is only ONE Teri Melton... and there will always BE only ONE Teri Melton. You've told people for some time that I was the one who pursued you. That I was the one who chased you. Hornet... you're the one who watches A Few Good Men in his DVD on the lear jet every chance you get... WHY CAN'T YOU HANDLE THE TRUTH?

For *YEARS*, Hornet has chased after me. For *YEARS*, Hornet has wanted to claim me as trophy... as another notch on the bedpost. But what Hornet FAILED to realize is that MIZZ MELTON is NOT some farmhand cowgirl like Jewelz Windham... MIZZ MELTON is *CERTAINLY NOT* Poison Ivy McGinnes, the three-time winner of the employee of the month award at the Yonkers, NY area International House of Pancakes, where she is currently employed at, living in some slum apartment. MIZZ MELTON is not like your wife, living in a large estate near the Outer Banks, soaking in the rays while you continue to send her your weekly checks that keep her from divorcing your ass and taking everything that you own... including your kids. And MIZZ MELTON is MOST CERTAINLY NOT like one of the THOUSANDS of groupies you've slept with... common girls who dream of someday being a CSWA Superstar who lack the BEAUTY and the BRAINS to compete with The Alpha Female.

No, Hornet I'm not like any other woman you've ever met. That's why you leave me nine voice-mails a day... each about 15 minutes long... and on EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM, you're crying and sobbing like a 13-year-old with a first crush, telling me how much you're in love with me. That's why I can't check my e-mail without having to read another poem filled with misspelled words written by you... how I can't leave my house without seeing more flowers or bottles of champagne sent by you. Hornet, be honest... YOU'VE BEEN IN LOVE WITH ME FOR YEARS.

That's why this whole thing has been so difficult for you... why me being pregnant has torn you apart. Hornet, be honest. You *DESPERATELY* want to be with me for the rest of your life but you're scared that I'll dump you the minute I can for someone who isn't like a junior-high kid in love with the homecoming queen... you're scared that I'll dump you for a *REAL MAN* and expose you for the chump the champ really is. (FTB)

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