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The 12-Step Intruder Program For Wellness


Jan 1, 2000
(CUE UP: Some cheezer Erasure-esque 80's synth pop. CUT TO: An intentionally faded film stock (think something you'd see on local cable access) broadcasts the following words-- THE 12-STEP INTRUDER PLAN TO WELLNESS! The opening scene is a montage of The I's lesser moments-- recieving moves from Simply Stunning, Shane Southern kicking Guns right in the mouth, Eddie Mayfield getting dumped on his neck by Evan Aho, JJ DeVille grabbing the tag team titles and, lastly, a shot of Guns laid out in the Alamodome as Troy Windham walks up the aisleway, tears in his eyes, holding the CSWA World Title.

CUT TO: A soundstage that resembles a talk show-- think the set of Maury Povich. The crowd is made up of hand-picked extras, all dressed up in standard Middle American clothes. CUT TO: The stage, where Troy Windham sits.

Troy, today, has his hair combed over like a 1970's Dick Cavette guest. He's wearing oversized Buddy Holly glasses, a dress shirt, CSWA tie, grey blazer and plaid pants straight from your grandfather's closet. Troy is holding a thin microphone. The crowd starts giving polite applause.)

TROY: Welcome, welcome all! I'm your host, Troy Windham, here today with an infomercial that can CHANGE YOUR LIFE. You see, we here at the CSWA's supersecret Science Squad have done a LOT of research over the past few months. We're not just a wrestling promotion-- we're a company that WANTS YOU to know what it's like to BETTER yourself. We're a company that wants ALL people in the world to know peace and understanding. There are a lot of people in this world who have nothing. There are a lot of people in this world who have everything. And what do WE want? We want everyone to have something!

As such, we have made a product that can allow for those who are born unfortunate to better themselves. This is a plan for the poor, the awkward, the lame to gain control of their lives. This is a plan that works. (Troy points to another camera and points as the crowd applauds.)

Our research is based on the stunning rise to power of a group of wrestlers who call themselves The Intruders. A group of three wrestlers who have gone from this (CUT TO: A freeze-frame shot of three winos drinking around a trash-can fire in some urban nightmare.) to this (CUT TO: A promotional shot of Mayfield, Miles and GUNS-- holding their respective titles.) in only a few short months? Now, I'm sure you're asking, how did three people who exemplified PROFESSIONAL PATHETICNESS get to this stature of life? Well, folks, it's by a secret method that we have unearthed here in the CSWA's Science Laboratories. It's a 12-Step Program that, if you follow, can CHANGE YOUR LIFE! (The crowd applauds again.)

The first step is ACCEPTANCE. It is ACCEPTING that you have a problem-- such as the inability to generate a pop from a crowd, the inability to sell out an arena, the inability to sleep at night knowing that you are a professional failure. In Craig Miles' case, it was accepting that you are now in your late-50's and have never, not once, been over in a wrestling arena. In Eddie Mayfield's case, it means accepting that you are untalented and the only way you can possibly have a job in this industry is as a manager of mid-card tag teams in wrestling promotions run out of a teenager's basement. In Guns' case, it means two things-- the first is accepting the fact that you will never again get an erection due to years of steroid use that have ravaged his now raisin-sized testicles, the second is accepting the fact that you are a washed-up, over-the-hill meathead who wasn't very good to begin with.

(The screen now reads STEP 2.)

The second step is HAVING FAITH IN YOUR GOD. In the case of The Intruder's, that means that they have faith in following The Troy Windham Career Arc. It means, for The Intruders, that they should come out here and repeat, ad nauseum, lines that I last uttered in 1997. It means, for The Intruders, that they should act anti-establishment and edgy at all times-- for they realize that style has made me millions of dollars, given me World Title reigns and repeated epic matches. And they, too, want that-- for their legacies in this sport pale in comparison of me... the man that they hold up like a deity.

(The screen now reads STEP 3.)

The third step is FLATTERY. Much like imitiating your Personal Jesus, this step means fawning over the one that you worship the most. It means that Eddie Mayfield should continue as the president of the Troy Windham Fan Club, sending me fan letters and autograph requests every day. It means Craig Miles should continue to contact my agent, asking me to wrestle in the promotion he has a financial stake in so it doesn't go broke. It means that Guns can once again go back to the job he had from 1997-- when I pinned him and broke his will in front of his hometown fans-- to when my best friend Eddy Love took him under his wing... and that job meant that he spent his days selling Troy Windham T-shirts and oversized foam fingers to fans at a flea market in the impoverished part of the Texas Panhandle he calls home.

(The screen now reads STEP 4.)

The fourth step is ROMANCE. In the case of Craig Miles, it means having your ring-rat wife tramp around in the back of wrestling arenas nationwide trying to bed a real star such as The Epitome. It means seeing your wife admit on national television that I may have impregnated her. It means knowing that every time you lay with her that she, not-so-quietly, screams *MY* name. In the case of Guns, it means that your teenage daughter Brittany hangs MY pin-ups all over the room, touching her bathing-suit-area improperly late at night, curious about her feelings, wanting to explore them more, especially with someone who has repeatedly bested her father in a public forum. And in the case of Eddie Mayfield, it means he dreams that, one day, he can see me naked in the shower room.

(The screen now reads STEP 5.)

The fifth step is... (Troy cracks a smile as the crowd gasps.) Well, I'm going to stop here. Troy Windham has never completed a 12-step program in his life and doesn't plan to start now. (The crowd laughs in a campy, canned manner.) But if you want to know the rest-- if you want to know how you too can go from ZERO to MID-CARDER... well, please order the product. Thank you, and have a good night. (FTB)

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