The Beginning

[GreggG]

(CUT TO: The inside of a mostly filled Androscoggin Bank Colisee in Lewiston, Maine. The crowd is mostly very blue collar/Wal Mart clerk/migrant worker in its demographic makeup. There is a sign reading EPITOME in the front row. A woman holds up a sign reading BE MY BOY TOY TROY. And then the camera closes in on a bedsheet reading TROY WINDHAM WRESTLING hanging on the back wall underneath the local high school girl's ice hockey standings.)

(CUE UP: "Beverly Hills" by Weezer. On the hastily assembled video screen are various shots of TROY WINDHAM in style -- posing in a three piece Saville Row suit, driving in a Bentley, walking arm-in-arm with two of Troy's Toys, holding up title after title after title. CUT TO: Under the tilting video screen walks out AUGUST DE LA ROSSI, wearing a "Palin Sucks" T-Shirt, accompianied with Z.!, wearing a blue shawl with gold trim and gold/blue tassles. He turns to the camera and flexes his calf muscles. They walk to the ring. The lights go out. And the music stops playing.)

(There's a loud CRASH as the video screen falls to the ring ramp! And sitting on the ring railing, his hair "just so" wearing a suit jacket over a KILLERS tour T-Shirt is TROY WINDHAM, his hands extended outwards like he's Jesus/Obama. The crowd ERUPTS. Troy then spins around and starts running through the crowd swarming him. Troy then makes it through the crowd and runs down like he's Dane Cook and hops the aisle. He blows a series of kisses to the crowd and then rolls into the ring. August presents him with the microphone.)

TROY: (Dramatic pause as flashbulbs POP.) Thank you, thank you. You're too kind. You're too kind. Honestly, honestly, thank you. Please, please, I need to speak. (The crowd is dead silent.) No, seriously, thank you! You're too kind! Honestly, I mean it! (Troy looks around as the crowd starts murmuring.) I know, I know. You people are SCREAMING mad right now because Troy Windham... THE EPITOME of Professional wrestling... has come to Lewiston, Maine. And this is the biggest thing to happen here since... well... EVER in this town. And you people... you know that this is the greatest moment in your otherwise worthless lives! (Now, the crowd starts to boo.) Please, plase, settle down. I need you people to work with me here. That is, if any of you people even know what work is! I went to Park Street today and I realized what a welfare hell hole this place is! (The boos are now louder.) Please, please, you're too kind. But seriously, I need you all to shut your toothless mouths so I can speak.

(The crowd now chants WINDHAM SUCKS loudly. August snatches the mic.)

AUGUST: You people better shut up right now and pay this man some respect because he has some exposition to share with all of you!

(The crowd boos and then Windham regrabs the mic.)

TROY: Now, some of you.. NAY... all of you probably saw what I was up to last week. I entered a promotion called the SCWF, run by some sweatpants wearing, Costco shopping, bulk buying scumbag, much like your mayor! He paid me more than the rest of his roster combined and I showed up there with a mission... to take some random string of consonants and to transform it into THE GREATEST LEAGUE of all time, in order to further cement my resume as the GREATEST WRESTLER of all time! Alas, whoever taht guy was who owned that league went on his powerboat and -- I kid you not -- he was kidnapped by pirates who fed him to dolphins CAUGHT IN TUNA NETS!

AUGUST: In other words, he died!

TROY: Yes. And that means, being the only way he could afford to pay me my salary, he had to give me part ownership of the league... I NOW OWN THE SCWF! I OWN MY OWN WRESTLING PROMOTION! And, being the owner of this place, I decided to change the name of it to TROY WINDHAM WRESTLING!

(Troy holds his hands up proudly as August applauds.)

TROY: Now, as you know, I am a man of great wealth. I could start a league and make it the best league in the world overnight. I can buy the services of any wrestler I want. But you see, that won't be a CHALLENGE to me. So, instead, I am creating the lowest rent, most god awful piece of indie hell I can imagine. A place that LEWISTON MAINE deserves! ("Booo") I will have a league with a variety of wrestlers, all willing to perform in front of small crowds for no more than $55 a night! Most of these will be the absolute dregs of human society. But I expect others of slightly more experience will join in order to try and prove that they deserve the honor of me knowing their name. But no matter what... ALL OF THEM SHALL BE DEGRADED!

(Troy once again throws his hands triumphantly over his hands.)

TROY: Now... now JOIN ME, my flock! Join me as we will go to Lewiston City Hall where Ward 3 Councilman LARRY J. POULIN will present me with both the key to the city... as well as my title... THE TROY WINDHAM TITLE!

(CUE UP: "Beverly Hills." FTB)

 

[DWoods]

(CUTTO: The BACKSTAGE AREA, where "TRAGIC" TERRY AUCOIN sits, wiping his arm pits with the twisted up bottom of his white tanktop. Terry does the math in his head… $55 a night, plus 365 nights a year… equals…)

(SFX: *CRAAAASHHH!*)

(CUTTO: Terry laying pinned beneath a section of lockers that have inexplicably tipped over.)

TERRY: "Awww shoooot... HELLLLP! SOOOOMEBOOOODDYYYY! HELLLLP MEEEE!"

(FTB)

 

[GreggG]

(CUT TO: The steps of the Lewiston City Hall.Various council figures and other dignitaries are sitting and applauding as Troy Windham steps to the podium.)

TROY: Thank you, members of the mayor and council! I want to applaud you for your good sense and business acumen. As I'm sure you know, the city of Lewiston has fallen on hard times. The mills which employed you people have long closed. The outlet mall down the interstate only hires people who can count. And the Indian Casino a few miles away only hires Redskins as opposed to Redskin fans! Thus, a decision was made on a way to provide jobs here in Lewiston. Jobs that a wealthy, powerful and influential man such as myself can provide!

AUGUST: What I helped negotiate, on behalf of Mr. Windham, was a COMMUNITY BLOCK GRANT which helped to bring federal funds which, along with the help of your local property tax dollars, to bring TWW's headquarters right here to Lewiston. And we in the TNN's front office will need your help to do things like empty the trash and to clean the ashtrays. And give yourselves a round of applause since three of you will now find custodial employment!

(The crowd boos.)

TROY: Now, will Ward Four Councilman Denis L. Theriault do me the honor of strapping me with the TWW's Troy Windham Title!

(Ward Four Councilman Denis L. Theriault approaches with the title. But then, over the loudspeakers, CUE UP: "Bright Future In Sales" by The Fountains of Wayne. Out from city hall walks "Mr. Middle Management" Mike McGee, wearing BluBlocker shades, his hair slicked back in a greasy Bret Hart-style mullet.)

MM: Excuse me, Mr Windham. Excuse me. I am "Mr. Middle Management" Mike McGee, and you earlier today hired me to be the Human Resources Associate of Troy Windham Wrestling. But I am sorry to report that we cannot continue with these ceremonies! Because you CAN NOT by law be named the champion of the TWW by your decree alone!

TROY: Excuse me?

MM: I am not sure if you understand Generally Accepted Accounting Principles... otherwise known as... GAAP (McGee smiles and looks at the crowd who start chanting "GAAP! GAAP! GAAP!") but in the wake of new corporate responsibility laws issued after the collapse of Enron, you cannot be the champion in this league.

TROY: What? What? That's ridiculous! (Troy turns to August.) I thought you took care of all of this!

AUGUST: I did! I went to H&R Block!

MM: In addition, Mr. Windham, since you have signed a contract WITH YOURSELF to be a performer in this league... you have also rescinded your powers of attorney and authority. And the Federated Council of Professional Wrestling Promotions With Many Consonants has appointed a NEW Chairman of the Board! He will be the man who will make the ultimate decrees of this league.

TROY: What? No! I own this place? That's not --

MM: And I introduce him to you right now! He is the right man for the job because... well.. he is more than just a man! He is the one who alone communicates with the spirit lordz! He is...

(CUE UP: "Take No Prisoners" by Megadeath. Lightning strikes in front of town hall. And running from inside the building and down the steps, his curly permed mullet, wearing arm tassles of alternating day-glo blue and red, trunks and boots of the same color and a lightning bolt of the same color on his face is TWW Comissioner POWERMASTER.)

POWERMASTER: TROY WINDHAM... and all of the little POWER PEOPLE in attendance today... along with you, Ward Five Councilwoman Tina G. Bailey... I AND I ALONE AM THE PRACTITIONER OF FOKRUCITY! FOR I AM THE AGGRO INTENZE WARLORD BORN IN THE ICE CAVERNZ OF THE OLYMPOUS MONZ... I INGEZT 25,000 CARBZ OF MET RX ENERGY BARZ A DAY... and I am the one who shall SUMMON THE SPIRIT LORDZ to provide me with the INFINITE KNOWLEDGE of how best to GOVEERRRRNNNNNN THIIIISSS PROMOOOOTIOOON... And, Troy Windham, my first DECREE... the spirit lordz COMMMMMANNND MEEEE to take your title --

(PowerMaster takes the title from Troy)

POWERMASTER: And giiiiveee ittttt toooo itss RIIIGHTFULL OWNNEEERRRRRR!

TROY: Who? Who is this imbecile?

(A cop on stage steps forward behind Troy.)

POWERMASTER: HIM!

(The cop spins Troy around, kicks him in the stomach, and hits Troy with his own SLACKKNIFE! He grabs the title as August screams "GET HIM!" He takes the title and crowns Z.! with it! And then he ducks August's punch and shoves him into the podium which breaks apart. Then he takes off his hat and fake cop mustache.

POWERMASTER: IIIIII PREEEZEEENNNTTT TOOO YOUUUUUU... THEEEE TROY WINDHAM WRESTLING TROY WINDHAM CHAMPION.... CAMMMMMMERRRROONNNNNNNN CRRRRUIIIIISEEEEEE!

CAMERON: That's a Reality Check, Troy... (As the crowd cheers and chants along.) YOU! JUST! WON'T! LIKE!

(Cameron then runs off into a waiting patrol car as the crowd... including the various councilpeople... chant CRUISE! CRUISE! CRUISE! Troy dusts himself off and grabs the mic.)

TROY: Cameron Cruise... this isn't finished between us! Oh, no. It's nowhere near finished! Cameron Cruise, I will destroy you! Oh, yes, Cameron Cruise! I will destroy you if it's the last thing I do! (Then he turns to PowerMaster.) What the hell is Fokrucity?

(FTB)