Nova
Just Like Law-Jesus
(FADEIN: The wilderness outside of FAYETTEVILLE, NORTH CAROLINA, the virtual half-way point between Darlington, South Carolina, site of recent Frontier Brawl thunder-f*ckedness, and Raleigh, North Carolina, Ground Zero for the next event in the dubious evolution of the ‘Dub. It’s midnight from the position of the moon, but you wouldn’t know it for the high-wattage spotlight blaring white-hot light down on a surreal “beachside” scene in the middle of the forest thicket. Laid out in a long beach chair under the light is recently returned Frontier vet and wanderer along the Astral Plane, NOVA. He’s clad in a white WRESTLESTOCK II: DOUBLE OR NOTHING tank-top and Hawaiian-print jams, oversized Ray-Ban sunglasses, a straw hat, and Tevas. He’s stopped shaving his head, which shows in the short wiry blonde hair poking out the bottom of his hat in a horseshoe shape around his scalp. A brown tarp is spread out over the grass next to his chair with a large mound of sand piled over it. A small kiddie pool sits next to the sand mound, complete with peaceable yellow rubber ducky.)
NOVA: “GOODNIGHT DARLINGTON!!!”
(He throws his arms into the air triumphantly, forgetting his right hand clutches a sand-shovel full of strawberry daiquiri. He scoops another shovel-load out of the large plastic bucket next to his chair and plops it into a bawdy 64-oz pink plastic margarita cup, then points the shovel at the camera.)
NOVA: “What that was, friends and neighbors…that was a blueprint. That was a ‘Preview of Coming Attractions,’ if you will…”
(He takes a large sip from his glass, and frozen strawberry glop coats his beard.)
NOVA: “STEP ONE…Nova, Hall of Fame Inductee and Kicker of Much Ass, makes his entrance to the ring, and the crowd f*cking LOVES him.”
(Lighting a cigarette) “STEP TWO…match ensues, and Nova HANDLES BUSINESS, providing many of the spots which will be featured on highlight reels in coming days and weeks.
“STEP THREE…Nova makes his way backstage to Get Loose in ways which are TOTALLY COMPLIANT with NFW’s stupid boring drug policy.
“STEP FOUR…Nova re-emerges later in the show, to an even BIGGER fan reaction, and F*CKS STALKER’S SH*T UP!”
(He takes a drag and then another large gulp from his glass, using the cup’s plastic rim to push his sunglasses up his nose.)
NOVA: “Seriously, that’s the game plan. That’s what’s going on with me in the near future. I don’t really even care about Stalker. I got plans of my own and they likely don’t include his loony ass. But there’s something…I dunno, addicting, about just POOPIN’ all over that guy, so I’ll probably keep doing it.”
(Takes a drag) “SWITCHIN’ GEARS. CALVIN. CAAAAAAAALVIIIIIIN. Are you there, you silly little sh*t? Can you hear me? I…I underestimated you, old boy.”
(He points the shovel several times at the camera.)
NOVA: “Yes I did. See at first, I just thought, ‘Oh, this f*ckin’ guy, he’s just giving me a hard time over the fact that I’m going to EMBARRASS his boy DORCHMINSTER sometime soon in the ring. What an asshole! F*ck his money!’ But then I REALIZED…”
(The Starchild pauses. For a long time. Like at least thirty seconds. Probably too long.)
NOVA: “I realized that you KNEW, Cal. You knew all along…SMART MONEY WAS ON THE STARCHILD! PUT YOUR SCRILLA ON THE ASTRO-THRILLA! You tossed out that bogus bounty and then shouted loud enough for everyone to hear you that COWBOY or whatever his name is was gonna rock that beast. But of course, he didn’t do that, because no matter how far away from it he gets, he’s still a product of the Windham Clan, and everyone knows the Windham Clan is really just TROY’s effort to compensate for the fact that he can’t have kids by devoting his free time to feeding the hopeless aspirations of his band of friendless, talentless losers.”
(Taking a drag) “That’s what I read on the internet, anyway. Made sense.”
(NOVA sets his drink down and pulls a briefcase from under his chair. He unclasps the latch and pushes the case towards the camera with one foot.)
NOVA: “That…is fifty thousand dollars.” (Cocking an eyebrow) “What, surprised? Come on, I may be sitting in the woods right now, but I’ve been competing at the highest level for the better part of a decade. That’s a lot of paydays. I’d be embarrassed not to be a millionaire by now. Calvin, your recent actions have shown you to be a MODEL CITIZEN with regards to prudent financial management. And in this cold, cruel world where people are inundated twenty-four hours a day by news networks trumpeting the latest catastrophe, I think Model Citizens should be rewarded for virtuous behavior. AND IT IS THAT VEIN…that I will be donating this fifty thousand dollars to establish a scholarship fund for an underprivileged student interested in studying economics. I will consult with someone who actually went to college and find a nice school for this money.”
(The EAGLEstar hoists his ridiculous margarita cup into the air.)
NOVA: “To Calvin…cheers, you sh*t-stain.” (Takes a big gulp) “And DORCHMINSTER, I’ll be seeing you soon.” (Another gulp) “And whoever walks out of RELOADED with the Big Strap…know that your boy is hungry.”
(FADETOBLACK.)
NOVA: “GOODNIGHT DARLINGTON!!!”
(He throws his arms into the air triumphantly, forgetting his right hand clutches a sand-shovel full of strawberry daiquiri. He scoops another shovel-load out of the large plastic bucket next to his chair and plops it into a bawdy 64-oz pink plastic margarita cup, then points the shovel at the camera.)
NOVA: “What that was, friends and neighbors…that was a blueprint. That was a ‘Preview of Coming Attractions,’ if you will…”
(He takes a large sip from his glass, and frozen strawberry glop coats his beard.)
NOVA: “STEP ONE…Nova, Hall of Fame Inductee and Kicker of Much Ass, makes his entrance to the ring, and the crowd f*cking LOVES him.”
(Lighting a cigarette) “STEP TWO…match ensues, and Nova HANDLES BUSINESS, providing many of the spots which will be featured on highlight reels in coming days and weeks.
“STEP THREE…Nova makes his way backstage to Get Loose in ways which are TOTALLY COMPLIANT with NFW’s stupid boring drug policy.
“STEP FOUR…Nova re-emerges later in the show, to an even BIGGER fan reaction, and F*CKS STALKER’S SH*T UP!”
(He takes a drag and then another large gulp from his glass, using the cup’s plastic rim to push his sunglasses up his nose.)
NOVA: “Seriously, that’s the game plan. That’s what’s going on with me in the near future. I don’t really even care about Stalker. I got plans of my own and they likely don’t include his loony ass. But there’s something…I dunno, addicting, about just POOPIN’ all over that guy, so I’ll probably keep doing it.”
(Takes a drag) “SWITCHIN’ GEARS. CALVIN. CAAAAAAAALVIIIIIIN. Are you there, you silly little sh*t? Can you hear me? I…I underestimated you, old boy.”
(He points the shovel several times at the camera.)
NOVA: “Yes I did. See at first, I just thought, ‘Oh, this f*ckin’ guy, he’s just giving me a hard time over the fact that I’m going to EMBARRASS his boy DORCHMINSTER sometime soon in the ring. What an asshole! F*ck his money!’ But then I REALIZED…”
(The Starchild pauses. For a long time. Like at least thirty seconds. Probably too long.)
NOVA: “I realized that you KNEW, Cal. You knew all along…SMART MONEY WAS ON THE STARCHILD! PUT YOUR SCRILLA ON THE ASTRO-THRILLA! You tossed out that bogus bounty and then shouted loud enough for everyone to hear you that COWBOY or whatever his name is was gonna rock that beast. But of course, he didn’t do that, because no matter how far away from it he gets, he’s still a product of the Windham Clan, and everyone knows the Windham Clan is really just TROY’s effort to compensate for the fact that he can’t have kids by devoting his free time to feeding the hopeless aspirations of his band of friendless, talentless losers.”
(Taking a drag) “That’s what I read on the internet, anyway. Made sense.”
(NOVA sets his drink down and pulls a briefcase from under his chair. He unclasps the latch and pushes the case towards the camera with one foot.)
NOVA: “That…is fifty thousand dollars.” (Cocking an eyebrow) “What, surprised? Come on, I may be sitting in the woods right now, but I’ve been competing at the highest level for the better part of a decade. That’s a lot of paydays. I’d be embarrassed not to be a millionaire by now. Calvin, your recent actions have shown you to be a MODEL CITIZEN with regards to prudent financial management. And in this cold, cruel world where people are inundated twenty-four hours a day by news networks trumpeting the latest catastrophe, I think Model Citizens should be rewarded for virtuous behavior. AND IT IS THAT VEIN…that I will be donating this fifty thousand dollars to establish a scholarship fund for an underprivileged student interested in studying economics. I will consult with someone who actually went to college and find a nice school for this money.”
(The EAGLEstar hoists his ridiculous margarita cup into the air.)
NOVA: “To Calvin…cheers, you sh*t-stain.” (Takes a big gulp) “And DORCHMINSTER, I’ll be seeing you soon.” (Another gulp) “And whoever walks out of RELOADED with the Big Strap…know that your boy is hungry.”
(FADETOBLACK.)