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The Con

NotorisSTD

League Member
Joined
Jan 1, 2000
Messages
397
Points
0
Age
38
Location
Boston and other places.
(CUEUP: “Build me a ladder” by Machine Go Boom.…)
(CUTTO: KOOTER MICHAELS-CRUISE is wearing a Tegan and Sara T-shirt, Batman pajama bottoms, and his happy face mask, eating a soft serve ice cream cone (pistachio flavored), somewhere on the scary streets at night…)

KMC: HELLO HOT SLUTS. I AM NOT DEAD ANYMORE BECAUSE DEATH CANNOT CONTAIN MY BONKERS FURY. I AM EATING THIS ICE CREAM WITH MY MOUTH BECAUSE IT IS DELICIOUS. I AM NOT GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH IT BECAUSE THAT WOULD NOT PLEASE MY NARDS AS IT ONCE WOULD. YOU WILL FEEL PAIN UNLIKE ANY PLEASURE YOU HAVE EVER KNOWN, BECAUSE PAIN IS PAINFUL, AND PLEASURE IS RATHER ENJOYABLE. ESPECIALLY SAILOR MAN AND JOE THE PLUMBER WHO DISPLEASE ME WITH THEIR STUPID FAT HEADS AND THOSE WILL GO SQUISH WHEN I POP THEIR SKULLS OPEN LIKE I DO THE PIMPLES ON MY BACK. CAMERON CRUISE IS MY DADDY, AND I USED TO WANT TO KILL HIM, BUT NOW I THINK HE IS SUPER DE-DUPER AND SO THOSE WHO WOULD HURT MY DADDY WILL KNOW THAT I AM MORE BRUTAL THAN A THOUSAND VIKINGS. I AM MORE BRUTAL THAN CONOR OBERST AND SUFJAN STEVENS COMBINED. I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO THANK THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, MITT ROMNEY FOR INVENTING HOMOSEXUALITY, WHICH IS HOW I WAS MADE….sorta.

SPEAKING OF HOW I WAS MADE, I ALSO MUST APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE TO MY DADDY. WE CANNOT WIN THIS MATCH, ALTHOUGH I WILL REMOVE ALL THE ARMS AND LEGS FROM OUR OPPONENTS’ BODIES AND DO A FUN DANCE WITH THEM. I ALSO MUST KILL FELIX. AS HE IS REFEREE, THIS MAY LEAD TO A DISQUALIFICATION. BUT I CAN’T HELP MYSELF!!! CONSTANT MURDEROUS RAMPAGING IS THE ONLY TRUE PATH!!! I AM A HUMAN DOOM MACHINE. DANCE DAAAAAANCE!!! (runs down the street)

(CUTTO: Felix Red, moody bastard, sitting under a spiral staircase, black denim jacket, black dickies…)

FELIX: Everyone’s going to smash me up and give me my just deserts. And then nobody does. Except you, Kin, the lone vindicator of this entire company, of wrestling itself. But I used to think that was me, that I was the dark profit of wrestling. Jesus, Muhammad, L.Ron, and Joseph Smith rolled into one. I was wrong. (stands) But if I was never wrestling’s spiritual barometer, then neither are you, Kin. Maybe we’ve grown too accustomed to authority figures telling us who we’re supposed to be. Maybe it’s time you disappeared, like I have, so you can serve more a practical, utilitarian purpose…

I’m probably the last person who should be a referee, but I’ve got nothing else to do Sunday night.
 

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