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The Jay Cutler Trade

The Great Eye

I came to cut you up
Jan 29, 2004
(FADEIN: Doc Silver sitting on a faux ESPN like table, on the other side of the table is Green Machine. The two men are clearly dressed up for the event as Doc is wearing a bright orange "garbage V2.0" t-Shirt and his standard sweatpants. Greenie is rocking a throwback red Patriots #14 Grogan Jersey.)

GREENIE: "Hello wrestling fans, we're here with up to the minute news and updates from the world of the TEAM TiT tournament...No wait, we could care less about the play-in round...Screw those bums who are all gonna get cleaned out round 1...We have breaking news, Plaxico Burress has been cut by the Giants."

DOC: "I'm sure that thrilled you."

GREENIE: "Nah, I'm more pissed about Ellis Hobbs not even making an attempt to cover him on that play, honestly...I could have caught that ball..."

DOC: "So you're waiting for David Tyree to get cut before you get to happy."

GREENIE: "I'm waiting for David Tyree to get hit by a bus...F*CK THAT GUY..."

DOC: "While that's all well and good, the more important news for the moment is that "Big Baby" Jay Cutler has gotten his wish, the sub .500 for his career Quarterback has been traded from the Broncos to the Chicago Bears for 1 first round picks and a 3rd rounder, were the Bears merely sodomized with a broken beer bottle on this trade, or am I right to think that they were in fact the victims of a series of acts so degrading and nightmarish that snuff film connoisseurs would stagger away from the screen in horror at what they saw?"

GREENIE: "Oh come on, anytime you can sell the future of your team down the river for a QB who's a career 17-20, you have to do that. I mean honestly how could you not trade the farm for this guy? It kind of blows my mind that the Chiefs give up a 2nd rounder for Matt Cassell yet the Bears just effectively ended their franchise for the guy that Josh McDaniels was trying to get rid of and replace with Cassell."

DOC: "Yeah this is just moronic, the Bears clearly freaked out here and sold their souls for a guy who's never gotten a team to the playoffs, never done a thing in his life...And I mean he's been throwing to Brandon Marshall his whole career...Marshall is a freak, who's gonna stretch defenses for him in Chicago? Can you name their wideouts?"

GREENIE: "I got no idea...But I know their quarterback is grossly over rated crybaby...I expect within the week to hear reports of Cutler wanting a massive extension on his contract, that the Bears will have no choice but to pay since they've already hitched their wagon to him."

DOC: "I'll go on record and say this much, I know Obama's a Bears fan, but for our new President, he will not watch his Bears win a playoff game in his first term in office thanks to this deal."

GREENIE: "I'll go on record and say that the Broncos are going to get a top 12 pick in next year's draft thanks to the Bears, the Bears are going nowhere!"

DOC: "That might be a bit much..."

GREENIE: "Hey I'm gunning for Skip Bayless' job...I can say moronic things about LeBron James! I can make fun of TO!"

DOC: "Very well then...Next time we'll look at the top of the NFL draft, and I might even talk about the biker guy I'm supposed to be fighting...Really? A biker? Get that off the rack at the gimmick wholesale store?"

GREENIE: "Says a man clinging to a long dead 90's band who've long since lost any cultural relevance..."

DOC: "Hey, Shirley Manson is a T-1001, she'll slash your throat out."

GREENIE: "You're a sad, sad man."

DOC: "I know...But at least I can say I back the only undefeated Super Bowl Champions in history..."

GREENIE: (Groans with disgust) "Hate you...So...Much..."


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