The Monsta Boyz vs. Cameron Cruise & Joey Melton

[JABolich]

In the last of three tag-team qualifiers, wrestling legend Joey Melton teams with veteran Cameron Cruise to battle one of wrestling's hottest teams, the Monsta Boyz! The winning team advances to the triple-threat elimination title match at Unleashed!

 

[Steve]

Joey Melton Sponsorships

(FADEIN: Joey Melton in front of an EPW backdrop.)

MELTON: Why?

That's what the world is asking. Well, maybe not the world, but Cruise at least.

Cameron, you've been in more quality places than most men who actually have talent. Needless to say, you have to have comprising pictures of somebody important on file, or something.

How does a man like yourself collect paychecks from some of the biggest promotions in our sport today, and do so little to earn them?

They say there's a man for every job, and maybe spending weekends on your back across the country is yours, but can that really make your life worth living?

Don't you dream of more?

Haven't you picked up on Mercedes excusing herself to the bathroom after sex to masturbate to visions of a real man, just so she can join you in being able to get off?

This may sound like I'm down on you Cameron..but no sir, I beg to differ.

There's gold in 'dem there hills, you've just never been taught how to climb and fetch it.

Seeing "The Passion Of Christ" has made me wonder if I'm doing enough good works. I'm a charitable guy, Cameron, but does just signing autographs at $75 a pop for cancer patients make me whole? Should I be doing more? Extra credit in an effort to drop my lowest test score.

I say yes.

Which is why I've chosen you as the first recipent of the "Joey Melton Social Sponorship."

It hit me as I was browsing the net for online Vegan cookbooks, and stumbled across a Wildlife Sponorship site.

I laid across Troy's bed, using her laptop and paged through the headshots of animals, all of whom needed medical attention. For $75 a year the site let me sponsor the animal of my choosing, and in return I'd get montly letters, an 8x10 glossy, and the satisfaction of knowing my money paid for medical expenses.

I felt great about myself already, before hitting submit on the type of payment.

Wildlife Sponorships...

I wondered, Cruise...would the idea work on professionally inept humans?

I've choosen to work in the EPW without pay as your Sponsor Cameron.

I apologize on behalf of humanity that, thousands of people across the states have given money to help a grey fox back on it's feet, but no one, not a single soul has lent you a helping hand, or bought "Wrestling For Dummies" for you as some helpful downtime reading.

I'm sorry, I'm the first to openly say, "I care."

Well, Cruise..I honestly do.

Now, admittedly I couldn't come out of the closet with this in the CSWA, or NFW. I needed someplace a little smaller.

But that doesn't demean my interest in any form.

"Why?"

I say, "Why not?"

To many people ***** about politics but don't vote.

To many people cry over how animals are mistreated, but still engorge themselves on meat products.

To many people long for something, someone different, but won't get out and help Ralph Nader get on all 50 state ballots.

The Green Party's not just about being a 'tree lover' Cruise.

It's about loving your fellow man.

About Government being governed.

You've slipped through the cracks in the system.

But, Joey Melton...your Wrestling Sponsor has said enough.

It's time you were able to call yourself a man.

And we start this week...against.....

Well, whoever the hell we're facing....it's EPW...I haven't paid that much attention.

Melton and Cruise........baby..........yeah.

A Jedi Master and his Padwaan Learner.

Be mindful of the past Cruise, and smart enough to watch my lead.

(FTB)

 

[JABolich]

(FADEIN: A parking lot, in which sits a garishly-painted monster truck - aptly named the MONSTA TRUCK. BUFF BELLOWS and FAT FARRELL each lean against an enormous wheel, decked out as usual in their Hawaiian shirts and jean shorts.)

Bellows: Well, here we are, headin' down ta do some work for Empire Pro Rasslin'. I'd throw out some introductions, but if ya ain't been living under a rock lately, ya know who we are. If ya don't, look up the Monsta Boyz at yer local tape distributor.

Farrell: Yo, there be's enuff tape on us ta make the Scotch Tape factory green wif' envy.

(Pause.)

Bellows: Worst... comparison... EVER.

Farrell: Man, that's crazy.

Bellows: In any case. We sometimes get wind a' things up in Monsta Country when we ain't tearin' up GWE. So we heard about this tag tournament Empire's throwin', an' we start ta thinkin', "Another title run couldn't hurt." So we come on down here an' make a few calls, an' since we've beaten Dan Ryan before he knows we're good. And voila - here we are.

Farrell: Ready, willin', an' able ta bring home da bacon, man.

Bellows: In any case, we've got some interesting competition this time. I was expecting ta be thrown up against some nancy-boy team like... what other teams DO they have around here already? The Purple Lightning? The Executable Gollums? The Crimson Flukes - oh, wait, they left. My bad. But hey. Danny Boy knows we'd blow through those guys, so he's given us something a little tougher.

Honestly, I never thought we'd ever find ourselves wrestling THE Joey Melton. As far as I'm concerned this is something of a career highlight. Don't ya think, Farrell? We've got us a chance ta take out a bona fide legend!

Farrell: It's like raidin' a nursin' home!

Bellows: I gotta tell ya, Joe. When I was just a kid I grew up watchin' CSWA. I use ta sit in fronta' the TV whenever rasslin came on an' watch guys like you an' Hornet tear sh** up. I'm a fan, man. But above all I'm a professional, an' as a professional I do my job - which means, of course, that we're gonna go out there an' win. No hard feelings, though. It's just biznass.

Farrell: An' biznass is BOOMIN'! In two years we's taken home four major World Tag Titles, an' we's about ta grab numbah five!

Bellows: In short: Bring what ya got. We're sure as hell bringin' what WE got. But in the end, it's gonna be Buff Bellows an' Fat Farrell standin' tall as the FIVE-TIME tag-team champions of the world.

Get ready, guys, 'cause them titles is COMIN' HOME ta Monsta Country. AND THAT'S ALLLLLLLLLLLL THERE IS TO IT!!!

(FADEOUT)

 

[TSiegel]

I am Jack's poor tortured soul.

(Fadein, a Black and white EPW Backdrop.)

CRUISE: Why ask "WHY?"

According to one Kevin Powers, it would normally be "Ask MGD Dry", but pardon me as I make the attempt at staying away from long term alcohol royalties.

That is the question everyone including myself has been wondering the past few days.

Isn't your being in the same wrestling organizations as I torture enough? You already won the Ultratitle on a couple of different occasions, but you wanna make it more and take up a spot.

Fine, I can do with a pretty good challenge, obviously.

But is it not enough that you can just leave a man be and take care of your own business and not venture into anyone else's?

I mean, are you too ignorant of the fact, that I've been able to handle myself quite well to the point where I don't NEED you to take credit for all my good fortunes? Or have you been day-dreaming of Troy too much to the point that you've missed everything that's been going on for the last two months here?

G'head, take a look at the tapes.

Take a look at the TV shows, the Pay-Per-View, the house shows, anything and everything with my name on it here in EPW has been done quite well, for the most part.

All of it done, without even one mention or sighting of midgets in the area.

But since the all-knowing, effervescent Joey Melton has to be the center of the FW Universe....

"F*ck Cameron Cruise, and what he may deem as a success in this business, I'm comin' to EPW, and I'm comin' to make his life better....the only way a man like Melton....that's me....can!"

Well, congratulations Joey, you made it. How it was that you were able to get Ryan's approval is plain bonkers, but irrelevant.

Your first match is with me.

Pardon me while I skip the jumping for joy bit.

Any way ya look at it, I gotta give you one thing.....at least you're lookin' at thinkin' with the CORRECT head this time, unlike the last few.

At any rate, we get to head to Alabama to take on a couple of punks whose latest claim to fame was beatin' a drunk, and a man too into his own faith, that he couldn't even be cured by Deacon even if it was a personal house call.

So the boss rewards them with belts for it?

Gimmie a break.

The following right here, goes out to all the teams in EPW, since Joey's so adamant about taking care of business (Cruise pulls out a tape recorder from his back jeans pocket and presses play, releasing a message in his own voice):

Welcome to EPW.

Please fasten your seatbelts and note that all seats must be returned to the full, and upright position when we land. Please do not forget any braincells, as EPW is not responsible for any items left on the plane from the flight.

Thank you and welcome once again, to Cameron Cruise's Nightmare Flight.

We look forward to handing you your a** on a silver platter again, and again and again, so please, come see us.

(SFX: Click. Cruise presses Stop on the tape and puts it back in his back jeans pocket.)

If you don't like that....then that's just a reality check that you just...won't like.

Fade.