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The River Of Men ...

Calamity Jon

League Member
Jan 1, 2000
(FADEIN to the interior of the Tank, where "IRON JOHN" WAITS, of the WORLD-FAMOUS MEN OF ADVENTURE, lies on his back, spread-eagle, in the center of the ring while a crew works on dissembling the device. BENJAMIN "BIG TOM" REMUS, in his full trapper regalia, approaches the ring and climbs the skirt, looking over the ropes at his prone colleague)

REMUS: "Odin's hairy post-operative vascetomy scar, John! What the hell are you doing still in here? The matches are done, the sweat is run from our pores and the little men who run our brains are switching on the 'lure sixteen year old jailbait with a bottle of Jack Daniels that has its label replaced by a Watermelon Puckers sticker' lever! Come John, WE'RE OFF to TICKLE THE SKIRTS OF LEGALITY until, ONCE AGAIN those mealy AMERICA'S MOST WANTED bastards come KNOCKING AT THE DOOR! Come John! There's statuatory rape to be committed!"

WAITS: "Tom, ah Tom, if only I could. But the mat, it calls to me. 'Stay, John, stay. Let my sweat-stained divots and greasy surface massage your back and buttocks with gentle respite.' IT CALLS TO ME!"

REMUS: "Now John, I understand your shock and despair ... AND I LOATHE YOU FOR YOUR WEAKNESS! Stout heart, man, Men of Adventure do not tally the wins and losses of a single night as a fretful old bookworm spins the beads on his abacus!" (Mimes moving abacus beads) "Tac! Tac tac! Ziiiiiip tac! Tac tac tac! Oh ho NO! No John, our lives are measured by the whorl and swirl of the tide we batter back, of the smoke that curls from the site of our devastation, of the wispy echoes of the many hundreds we have POUNDED to PURGATORY'S ARMPIT! One loss, John, is scant reason to abandon hope! UP MAN! The RIVER OF MEN carves whole valleys in time, but who would expect a single splash to break a rock? Well, ME FOR ONE! But fret not, and don't go all F(BLEEP)ing girly on me. F(bleep)head."

WAITS: (getting up on one shoulder) "But Tom, it's not just the loss! Have you BEEN outside? There are BEARS and BEES and SHARKS! We can't turn a corner without being beset by KNIFE WIELDING ORANGUTANS and ELEPHANTS IN TANKS! This mat, Tom, it's SAFE and WARM and somewhat STICKY and sort of WET! It's a HAVEN! A HAVEN, I say!"

REMUS: (unexpectedly cracks Iron John upside the head with his oar) "GOOD GOD, MAN! What has HAPPENED to you? You prattle on about irrelevancies like ... like a LIBERAL ARTS MAJOR! Is this truly the life you want, John? Giving up? Conceding defeat? Staying home in your filthy sweats and masturbating to the View because your lazy ass can't get up long enough to work the same pathetic, meaningless tasks of the collar-and-tie world and afford BASIC CABLE!? NOT EVEN SKINEMAX, JOHN? Because THAT'S EXACTLY where you're headed, man! So GO! Go to your 'itnernet startup company' and drink your 'grand latte double cafs' and sleep with your 'consenting adults,' IT'S THE LIFE YOU'VE CHOSEN! Or come back, John, to the River of Men! To Adventure, to High Spiritedness, to a world that drives lesser men to incontinence, and sometimes me too, but only after too much coffee! Will you do it, John? Jump or be pushed, WHAT'S YOUR CHOICE?"

WAITS: (sitting up, rubbing his head) "Tom, I was clearly a fool. HO HO! What life is there that is not a life of adventure? NONE! Also, that oarshot really f(BLEEP)ing hurt. I'm bleeding from one ear. HO HO!"

REMUS: "And THAT'S a LIFE of ADVENTURE, JOHN! Now, to the streets, and the youth shelters! We have much to do tonight!"

(They begin strolling out, side by side)

WAITS: "Tom, are there truly tiny men who operate our brains with levers and pulleys?"

REMUS: "For Christ's sake, John, do I look like a biologist? DO I LOOK GAY? No, I am a Man of Adventure, and all I know is what the tinny, hollow, hateful voices of the tiny men in my brain tell me! Now come, to the liquor store ... of ADVENTURE! HO HO!"



Attach faces to the names - MoA's Headshots are here:


Pressure Chief
Jan 1, 2000
Some nice lines ya got going there, Jon. Mayhaps you charge the denizens of CSWA for their very own wrestler portrait?

stirring up som' #####.

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