JABolich
League Member
(The views expressed in this column do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Bolich himself.)
(Originally posted at www.1fw.com)
- The ScooteR Gripe for EPW Aggression 28.
- We are SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE and live from the big plate of pizza in my basement. Stuffed crust, baby.
- Opening match: IrishRed vs. Akita the Ventriloquist Telepath LIVE (TWO DAYS LATER) FROM JUNEAU, ALASKA. The single-frame 'telepathy' still flashes are hilarious, by the way. And the announcers are wrestling the match, as they put over Akita telepathically wet-willying Red and making him pick his wedge. Red throws some tackles, but Akita fights back with the single-frame purple nerple of mind-death. The Freebird takes the telepathic not-tap for Red. Well. -**** The incontinent viking match was worse, because the telepathy flashes saved this one from being TOTALLY unwatchable, but SPORTZ ENTERTAINMENT.
- After the match, Akita implies that IrishRed sucks cocks. Subtle.
- Niki-tiki-tonga vs. Frankie Scott. Frankie takes a bump off her strikes but embarrasses her with SUPERIOR TAKEDOWN MASTERY, and the bulldog gets two. Standing headscissors gets 2 for Dakakakakakaka. Nakita plays the hoss chick and works over the leg, which Frankie sells dutifully. Frankie eventually makes the comeback, and the elbow gets two. Dakakaka reverses the whip but hits turnbuckle on a body splash, and Frankie rolls her up for the duke. *1/2 I'm docking 1/2 a star for the crappy ending. Frankie tried, but carrying Dahaka to a good match is like wrestling a haystack, and I don't mean Calhoun.
- Post match, Dakalakalakalaka and Token Manager Chick do the heel beatdown, as if they had any heat to get back, and the crowd is DISTINCTLY DISPLEASED. Man, I remember when the EPW midcard pushed real talent.
- MEANWHILE, IrishRed's plane has been cancelled, as RRR's gaze extends even this far out from Mordor, but Jomo the Fish-Eating Eskimo steps in to save the day. While this is hilarious, it's toooooo much Sportz Entertainment. And I have to ask... If RRR has creative control, why the hell would he push IrishRed?
- Backstage, the Motor City Maniacs are HERE. Kenny Lombardo is not pleased. I'm still waiting for the Night Cripplers, Monsta Boyz, Assassins, and Dark Carnival to come back, but shades of GXW always soothe the savage Scooter.
- Kazuo Shizaki vs. Kenshiro Inogami. KAZUOOOOOOO!!! Neely is racist to start. Tie-ups, and Shizaki comes out of the corner with the spinkick and the PERFECT HURRICANRANA. Inogami flips off the ropes for the INEXPLICABLE HEADSCISSORS. Shizaki dropkicks and uses the chops, but Inogami fights back, and FOXX IN SOXX IS IN THE CROWD and Shizaki cradles for a near-fall, but NINJA K DON'T TAKE **** FROM NOBODY and totally just spitefully DDTs Shizaki for another two. They exchange strikes, and Shizaki hits the baseball slide, but Inogami won't take that jazz and goes to the ropes, where Foxx decks him with a dildo or something and allows Shizaki to get the duke. **3/4 I'd... have liked to have given this more stars, but these two are capable of so much more given a little more time.
- MEANWHILE, IrishRed is IN THE PLANE.
- THE REVENGE OF SCW: Rocko Daymon vs. Damian 'Off The Space Shuttle' Stone. Stone is a HOSS to start, but Rocko rolls back and kicks him in the frigging CHIN, then plays the lumberjack and knocks Stone down. Rocko works over the leg like a man. Phantom Train attempt is blocked, and Stone gets the counting punches, the big full nelson, and the powerslam, and by golly he's selling the knee like a MAN. Chokeslam and belly-to-belly both get near-falls for Stone, but Daymon counters a second chokeslam and tears at the knee. Double-arm DDT from Rocko gets two, and the HOLY **** MANFUL SPINEBUSTER gets another two. Stone spears, but Daymon's foot is on the rope. Stone hoists Rocko for a powerbomb but gets countered into a crucifix, and that's the duke for Daymon. ***1/2 Needed to be longer, but a very solid outing overall from these guys. Say what you will about Rocko, but the man can carry mud to a good match.
- MEANWHILE, IrishRed HOPS ABOARD THE HIPPIE VAN.
- Joey Melton vs. Richard Farnswirth. Tie-up to start, and Farnswirth gets the manly chops only to get shoulderblocked. Melton takes Farnsy to the woodshed. Farnswirth breaks the hammerlock and gets the suplex for two. EUROPEAN UPPERCUTS ensue. AWW YEAH! Farnsy takes Melton to the woodshed. A chinlock ensues. AWW NAW! Melton predictably fights out, but Farnsy dodges the elbow and uses the axehandle. Million Dollar Dream hits turnbuckle, and both guys are down. Melton gets up and takes the wheel, and the slingshot suplex sets up the figure-four, but HERE COMES FIKES to push the ropes over to Farnswirth. Melton is indignant, but Farnsy uses the COMPLETELY HONEST LOW BLOW, only for Melton to counter the Market Crash into a sunset flip. Farnsy rolls through, though, and Fikes holds the hands to give him the duke. *** Solid for what it was, but Melton really needs to retire.
- IrishRed is IN DA HAUS. He is greeted by Steven Shane and his friend, Mr. Steel Chair. AWW YEAH!
- TAG TEAM TURMOIL: Proletariat vs. Wrestling Banjomen vs. the IRA vs. ****z. There's the bell, and oh **** that must've been a bad pepperoni. Be right back. -- Okay, back, just in time for Irish and Sarge to get the duke. Rating withheld due to cramps.
- Back in the ring, Steven Shane is ARROGANT, but IrishRed punches him and stuff and spouts the standard formulaic challenge line for control of the company. Ryan is all like AWW NAW, but Red insults his dead daughter, so Ryan gives him a street fight. Then the cops nab him. This is... very uncool, because on the one hand, if Red wins EPW goes into the crapper, and on the other hand, if Ryan wins Red loses his heat big time. Ugh, Sportz Entertainment.
- Professor Tremendous is HERE. Troy Windham is NOT. Ginger and Mary-Anne are pleased. Meanwhile, TROYADOR and RRR discuss something INTRIGUE~~!!ing.
- Fake Title: Lindsay Windham vs. Professor Tremendous. Tie-up, and Troy takes three shoulder blocks to take down the Prof. She flip-legdrops for a two. Standing shooting star gets two. Prof with the DDT and the... chinlock?. Troy fights out, but the big brainbuster gets a near-fall for Prof, but Troy's foot is on the ropes. German by Prof for a two. Troy comes back with a roundhouse, and the reverse forward suplex gets two. Troy goes to the corner but gets blocked and hit with the FLYING ROCKER DROPPER for a near-fall. Prof with the bulldog, but Troy gets to the ropes to break the Final Exam. Troy with the spinkick and the Crowning Glory, and that's good for the 3. BUT WAIT, Prof's foot was on the ropes, so he retains the title after all. Troy is displeased. ***1/4 Docking half a star for the ending.
The Bottom Line:
Middle-of-the-road show here. The lower card has kind of gone to crap and I don't like the IrishRed, Nakatakadakahaka, or wedding angles all that much, but the upper card was very solid, and at least the writing has been pretty consistent. Still don't care for the SPORTZ ENTERTAINMENT~~!! angles that're all the rage these days, though.
Thumbs in the middle.
(Originally posted at www.1fw.com)
- The ScooteR Gripe for EPW Aggression 28.
- We are SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE and live from the big plate of pizza in my basement. Stuffed crust, baby.
- Opening match: IrishRed vs. Akita the Ventriloquist Telepath LIVE (TWO DAYS LATER) FROM JUNEAU, ALASKA. The single-frame 'telepathy' still flashes are hilarious, by the way. And the announcers are wrestling the match, as they put over Akita telepathically wet-willying Red and making him pick his wedge. Red throws some tackles, but Akita fights back with the single-frame purple nerple of mind-death. The Freebird takes the telepathic not-tap for Red. Well. -**** The incontinent viking match was worse, because the telepathy flashes saved this one from being TOTALLY unwatchable, but SPORTZ ENTERTAINMENT.
- After the match, Akita implies that IrishRed sucks cocks. Subtle.
- Niki-tiki-tonga vs. Frankie Scott. Frankie takes a bump off her strikes but embarrasses her with SUPERIOR TAKEDOWN MASTERY, and the bulldog gets two. Standing headscissors gets 2 for Dakakakakakaka. Nakita plays the hoss chick and works over the leg, which Frankie sells dutifully. Frankie eventually makes the comeback, and the elbow gets two. Dakakaka reverses the whip but hits turnbuckle on a body splash, and Frankie rolls her up for the duke. *1/2 I'm docking 1/2 a star for the crappy ending. Frankie tried, but carrying Dahaka to a good match is like wrestling a haystack, and I don't mean Calhoun.
- Post match, Dakalakalakalaka and Token Manager Chick do the heel beatdown, as if they had any heat to get back, and the crowd is DISTINCTLY DISPLEASED. Man, I remember when the EPW midcard pushed real talent.
- MEANWHILE, IrishRed's plane has been cancelled, as RRR's gaze extends even this far out from Mordor, but Jomo the Fish-Eating Eskimo steps in to save the day. While this is hilarious, it's toooooo much Sportz Entertainment. And I have to ask... If RRR has creative control, why the hell would he push IrishRed?
- Backstage, the Motor City Maniacs are HERE. Kenny Lombardo is not pleased. I'm still waiting for the Night Cripplers, Monsta Boyz, Assassins, and Dark Carnival to come back, but shades of GXW always soothe the savage Scooter.
- Kazuo Shizaki vs. Kenshiro Inogami. KAZUOOOOOOO!!! Neely is racist to start. Tie-ups, and Shizaki comes out of the corner with the spinkick and the PERFECT HURRICANRANA. Inogami flips off the ropes for the INEXPLICABLE HEADSCISSORS. Shizaki dropkicks and uses the chops, but Inogami fights back, and FOXX IN SOXX IS IN THE CROWD and Shizaki cradles for a near-fall, but NINJA K DON'T TAKE **** FROM NOBODY and totally just spitefully DDTs Shizaki for another two. They exchange strikes, and Shizaki hits the baseball slide, but Inogami won't take that jazz and goes to the ropes, where Foxx decks him with a dildo or something and allows Shizaki to get the duke. **3/4 I'd... have liked to have given this more stars, but these two are capable of so much more given a little more time.
- MEANWHILE, IrishRed is IN THE PLANE.
- THE REVENGE OF SCW: Rocko Daymon vs. Damian 'Off The Space Shuttle' Stone. Stone is a HOSS to start, but Rocko rolls back and kicks him in the frigging CHIN, then plays the lumberjack and knocks Stone down. Rocko works over the leg like a man. Phantom Train attempt is blocked, and Stone gets the counting punches, the big full nelson, and the powerslam, and by golly he's selling the knee like a MAN. Chokeslam and belly-to-belly both get near-falls for Stone, but Daymon counters a second chokeslam and tears at the knee. Double-arm DDT from Rocko gets two, and the HOLY **** MANFUL SPINEBUSTER gets another two. Stone spears, but Daymon's foot is on the rope. Stone hoists Rocko for a powerbomb but gets countered into a crucifix, and that's the duke for Daymon. ***1/2 Needed to be longer, but a very solid outing overall from these guys. Say what you will about Rocko, but the man can carry mud to a good match.
- MEANWHILE, IrishRed HOPS ABOARD THE HIPPIE VAN.
- Joey Melton vs. Richard Farnswirth. Tie-up to start, and Farnswirth gets the manly chops only to get shoulderblocked. Melton takes Farnsy to the woodshed. Farnswirth breaks the hammerlock and gets the suplex for two. EUROPEAN UPPERCUTS ensue. AWW YEAH! Farnsy takes Melton to the woodshed. A chinlock ensues. AWW NAW! Melton predictably fights out, but Farnsy dodges the elbow and uses the axehandle. Million Dollar Dream hits turnbuckle, and both guys are down. Melton gets up and takes the wheel, and the slingshot suplex sets up the figure-four, but HERE COMES FIKES to push the ropes over to Farnswirth. Melton is indignant, but Farnsy uses the COMPLETELY HONEST LOW BLOW, only for Melton to counter the Market Crash into a sunset flip. Farnsy rolls through, though, and Fikes holds the hands to give him the duke. *** Solid for what it was, but Melton really needs to retire.
- IrishRed is IN DA HAUS. He is greeted by Steven Shane and his friend, Mr. Steel Chair. AWW YEAH!
- TAG TEAM TURMOIL: Proletariat vs. Wrestling Banjomen vs. the IRA vs. ****z. There's the bell, and oh **** that must've been a bad pepperoni. Be right back. -- Okay, back, just in time for Irish and Sarge to get the duke. Rating withheld due to cramps.
- Back in the ring, Steven Shane is ARROGANT, but IrishRed punches him and stuff and spouts the standard formulaic challenge line for control of the company. Ryan is all like AWW NAW, but Red insults his dead daughter, so Ryan gives him a street fight. Then the cops nab him. This is... very uncool, because on the one hand, if Red wins EPW goes into the crapper, and on the other hand, if Ryan wins Red loses his heat big time. Ugh, Sportz Entertainment.
- Professor Tremendous is HERE. Troy Windham is NOT. Ginger and Mary-Anne are pleased. Meanwhile, TROYADOR and RRR discuss something INTRIGUE~~!!ing.
- Fake Title: Lindsay Windham vs. Professor Tremendous. Tie-up, and Troy takes three shoulder blocks to take down the Prof. She flip-legdrops for a two. Standing shooting star gets two. Prof with the DDT and the... chinlock?. Troy fights out, but the big brainbuster gets a near-fall for Prof, but Troy's foot is on the ropes. German by Prof for a two. Troy comes back with a roundhouse, and the reverse forward suplex gets two. Troy goes to the corner but gets blocked and hit with the FLYING ROCKER DROPPER for a near-fall. Prof with the bulldog, but Troy gets to the ropes to break the Final Exam. Troy with the spinkick and the Crowning Glory, and that's good for the 3. BUT WAIT, Prof's foot was on the ropes, so he retains the title after all. Troy is displeased. ***1/4 Docking half a star for the ending.
The Bottom Line:
Middle-of-the-road show here. The lower card has kind of gone to crap and I don't like the IrishRed, Nakatakadakahaka, or wedding angles all that much, but the upper card was very solid, and at least the writing has been pretty consistent. Still don't care for the SPORTZ ENTERTAINMENT~~!! angles that're all the rage these days, though.
Thumbs in the middle.
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