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The ScooteR Gripe for EPW Wrestleverse II


League Member
Jan 1, 2000
Niagara, ON, Canada
(Originally posted at www.1fw.com on January 25, 2007)

- The ScooteR Gripe for EPW Wrestleverse 2007.

- Pre-show PROMO TIME: FOXX IN SOXX and Downtown Karl Brown have a heart-to-heart and look out for each other and all that good stuff. When did these promos get so long and Hollywood?

- We go to the Raging Roid Retard's office, where he's accosted by Cassidy Stewart. And oh boy, RRR has just signed a GXW guy. So, DAN RYAN BACKSTAGE BUTT BUDDY HIRING POOL: I've got my money on Randy Cobb or Chris Lehew.

- PYRO GOES BOOM AND WE ARE LIVE FROM LA and live from Scooter's basement, over a delicious Pepperoni Lover's pizza. Man, the delivery guy gets quicker every time.

- Opening match: Damian "Off The Space Shuttle" Stone vs. Priest. Priest plays head games to start. OLE! OLE! Stone to the outside and Priest mocks him, then works him over but hits turnbuckle off a spear. Stone works over the back with a laughable surfboard. He falls for the Eisenkreuz trick, though, and Priest cradles for a nearfall but whiffs on the frog splash. Big Stone throws a suplex and a boot but Priest nails him with the big German, then sends him down the pisser for the duke. *** Could've been longer, but I liked the psychology from Priest and he did a great job of carrying the workrate black hole that is Stone.

- Backstage, a bunch of geishas show up. INTRIGUE~~!!

- Rocko's Modern Life vs. Kazuo Shizaki. KAZUOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Standard tie-up to start, and KAZUOOOOOO breaks it with a springboard and takes the boots to Rocko, who comes back with the forearm. Nice tiltawhirl by Cocko for a near-fall, though kind of early. Flying legdrop gets 2 for Cocko, and he's really laying the Irish whips on thick until KAZUOOOOOOOO reverses him and lays on the martial arts. Monkey flip, crossbody, and the rolling leg drop can't get it for Shizaki, and he telegraphs the Tsume Mahi and eats the double-arm DDT. FINAL FANTASY 6 DUNGEON and the Brain Rocker II finish it for Rocko. ***1/2 Solid outing even with the wrong guy going over.

- KAZUOOOOOOOOOO is not impressed by this shiznat, and lets Rocko know it. TSUMEEEEEEEEE MAHIIIIIIII!!! KAZUOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Also, Cassidy Stewart's dude is late.

- Bondage Gear Match: Frankie Scott vs. La Femme Nikita. Didn't I just review this tripe? The crowd is ALL OVER Dakalaka, and rightfully so. Thankfully, ICE TRE interrupts the match and lays down the whack mack. Frankie and Daiquiri, perpetual player haters, clothesline him out of his boots. Dakakakakakaka cheapshots Frankie and goes all dominatrix on his ass, but he's all like SCREW THAT and hits her with the powerslam, the suplex, and the big elbow in rapid succession. Scott goes for the corners, but Niki-tiki-tonga hooks up the full nelson, only to eat a well-deserved German. Manfully, Scott pantses Dakalakadingdong and smacks her ass with the strap. Superkick, moonsault, and tornado DDT by Dakakakakaka, looking every bit a pale shadow of Troy. She goes for the last corner but Scott sharpshooters her, and they fight over the last corner until Token Manager Chick hits Niki-tiki-tonga with a chair and Scott tags the last corner for the duke. ** Scott sold like a man, but nobody gets Dakalakadingdong over ** without a miracle. After the match, Chyna beats up Token Manager chick but Scott makes the save. INTRIGUE~~!! Oh, wait, no, that's just creeping boredom.

- Three way tag-in-a-bag: The Proletariat vs. Motor City Maniacs vs. Banjoman and his Dog. Banjoman and Maxwell rush the ring and it's BONZO GONZO until they isolate Gus and Robertson. Back body drops send both Brits over the ropes. The Maniacs gang up on Augustus, but he fights back with the big foot until Benji breaks up a cover. The Pros and Maniacs beat up the Englishmen for awhile, and it's BONZO GONZO until Augustus gets the knucks and feeds them to Benji for the three count. * Yo, Joe, no flow. This was just a bunch of BONZO GONZO with no real pacing. Banjoman can do better than this.

- Submission Match: FOXX IN SOXX (with Downtown Karl Brown) vs. Kenshiro Inogami. NINJA K! Ninjas have stopped being cool, yo. Token grappling to start, and Kenshiro gets a nice headscissors into a headlock out of it. Foxx fights back but eats the the leg lariat, and the bodyslam and the senton hit. He kicks Foxx to the outside, but she comes back with the spinning DDT and the bulldog. Backbreaker and quad stretch, and Foxx is WORKING THE KNEE. Kenshiro tries to come back and they do an awesome counter sequence that ends up with Foxx sliding through his legs from the apron and shutting him down with a legdrop. Rana by Foxx, but Inogami catches her in a wicked stiff backbreaker. Armbar is broken by Foxx, and they trade the momentum again until Foxx hotshots herself off a splash and eats leg lariat. Sick plancha by Ninja K but he botches it and lands on the floor on his frigging NECK in one of the sickest blown spots I've ever seen, and it looks like Foxx is ad-libbing as she goes for the Vixen's Tail for the duke. **** Needed more of an extended heat section, but that blown plancha at the end was seriously sick and I wouldn't be surprised to see Inogami come out with a broken freakin' neck.

-Bloodhunt vs. XXX. Extended lockup, and I wonder WHY XXX with a 50-pound weight edge and two inches of extra height can't get the advantage. Seriously, realistic bookings, guys. Token grappling and the criss-cross shoulder block deal, and XXX lands on his feet off a monkey flip but eats the MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER. Baseball slide, and Hunt goes to the European Uppercuts. AWW YEAH! Juji-gatame, which XXX turns into a cradle for two. XXX throws some Germans with the bridge and the inverted piledriver, but gets small packaged. Bloodhunt turns the missile dropkick into a bodyslam for a close nearfall, and XXX is selling the back like a man. Brainbuster suplex and the falcon arrow can't do it, nor can the piledriver. They go to the corner, and XXX is a HOUSE... EN... FUEGO!!! Froggytime, but Hunt goes for the headshot, and they do a complicated reversal sequence with both guys' shoulders down, but it doesn't matter because it's a time limit draw. Oh, for CRYING OUT LOUD. ***3/4 Would've been ****1/4 easy had they given us a finish. A draw at a Pay-Per-View is bull hooooooooooooooooooooooonkey. Ice Tre saves the moment by running out and straight into a superkick from XXX. That's worth an extra quarter star right there.

- Backstage, Kin Hiroshi hides from the camera and puts a muffin in Cameron Cruise's locker room. INTRIGUE~~!!

- TV title: Shawn JESSICA Hart (C) vs. Mike Evers. And oh crud, door. Excuse me. --Okay, back. With a delicious new Cheesy Bites pizza. Oh, dag, I missed the match. Oh well, once you've seen one Shawn Hart match you've seen 'em all. DUD

- Backstage, Sarge and James Irish have a heart-to-heart.

- Number one contenders match: Blitzball vs. James Irish & Sergeant Slaughter. BUT WAIT, Irish no-shows and it's a handicap match. Handicap matches are the suck. Max with the chop and the big powerslam, and Sarge plays Ricky Morton for a moment until he ducks the powerslam and arm drags them all to hell. TO HELL!!! Max with the big backbreaker, but Sarge cradles, and Jecht gets taken down, only for Sarge to eat the powerbomb. BUT WAIT, Irish makes the save only to get powerbombed on the concrete. Jecht Shot, and the Blitzkrieg puts away Irish lickety-split. 1/4* Not long enough, bad angle, bad finish. Next.

- IC title: Downtown Karl Brown (with FOXX IN SOXX) vs. Steven SHAAAAAAANE. There are too many Shanes and Shawns in wrestling. Token grappling, and Brown hits the dropkick. Snapmare, but Shane counters with the jawbreaker, the neckbreaker, and the big tornado DDT for a near-fall. Suplex, and Shane grabs a sleeper with his feet on the ropes. Because he's bad, see. Shane argues with the ref but gets rolled up, and the dragon suplex gets two for Karl. Nutshot, but Karl fights back, only to eat a tiltawhirl backbreaker. Clothesline and sidewalk slam set up the second rope legdrop and the sleeper. California Dream shuts down the babyface comeback but can't put Brown away. California Clutch, but Brown makes the ropes. Shane tries for a suplex but Karl throws a few of his own, and the T-bone puts him down. Arm drags, Russian legsweep, and the STINGER SPLASH, and Brown hits the Dragonrana for a close fall. To the outside, and Brown dropkicks him into the barricade. Shane reverses the whip and suplexes Brown over the RAILS, and gets a nearfall. Brown with the enziguri but Shane DUCKS IT and hits the modified Millennium Suplex for a near-fall. Shane whiffs on a suicide body press and eats baseball slide. Dragonrana OFF THE STAIRS ON THE FLOOR, and Brown rolls Shane into the ring for a close fall. Whips, and Shane goes nads. Whip, press slam, and the inverted DDT still can't put Brown away, though. Westside Connection hits but can't do it. Powerbomb sets up the California Clutch, but Brown is MANFUL and fights for the ropes only to be dragged back into the center of the ring. He gets it next time, though, and Shane shakes down the ref. Dragon's Bite out of nowhere gets the duke for Brown. ****3/4 Awesome, awesome, awesome.

- Backstage, there are geishas. Also, Ice Tre gets chewed out by Cassidy Stewart.

- Street fight for control of EPW: Raging Roid Retard vs. Irish Red Rooster. Ryan with the haymaker and the boots, and he introduces his face to the turnbuckle. Bodyslam follows, and Ryan goes to the announce table but eats axehandle. THEY BE CLUBBERIN', and Red bashes Ryan with a monitor, but Ryan blocks with an audience member and goes to the punches. Whip by Ryan, and the EPW security guy trips Red. HAHAHAHA. They fight into the concession, and Red busts Ryan with the doors. Chopping, and Red Germans Ryan on the FLOOR for a two. Ryan throws Red into the T-shirts, and Red with a Troy T-shirt on his head is priceless. The T-shirt guy and the janitor jump Red, the latter with a mop, and Ryan chokeslams Red through a weenie stand and does the one-foot pin for a two. Red eats glass door, but it doesn't break. Drop toe hold puts Ryan through the glass, though, and the Cold Shot hits for the false finish. Punching, and Red lights a bum's coat on fire and whips Ryan with it but gets speared, and they fall down the arena stairs. They fight against the side of a Greyhound, but Ice Tre jumps Ryan with a two-by-four and gets blasted. They fight onto a bus and get stopped, and they end up paying the fare as the bus takes off for Vegas. NO SHENANIGANS! No rating yet, as the match is still going.

- Back at the ranch, Paul Freeman bars Farnsy from fighting. AWW SNAP.

- Tag titles: Highland Park Social Club (C) vs. Cammy and Joey. Melton and Chip do the token grappling and the faceoffs, and Melton takes control with the bulldog and the dropkick. Single-leg crab, but Friendly breaks and gets the rope choke and the tag, and Melton plays Ricky Morton. Pumphandle suplex by the clown, and he answers the thumb counter with the clothesline but eats piledriver. Cruise is in and catches Friendly coming off the top with a midair DROPKICK. Cruise has really improved lately. Suplex for Slambo gets 2. Whip, Slambo eats boot and a flying bulldog, and Cam gets 2. Front facelock, but Slambo hits the Northern Lights and hits the boots and the front Russian legsweep. Tag, and now Cruise is playing Ricky Morton. Chops and the snapmare set up the dragon sleeper, but Melton's in and it's BONZO GONZO. It ends up down to Cruise and Friendly. Enziguri by Cruise is ducked, but he regains control again, and Melton fights off the clown. Double missile dropkick by the CCP on the HPSC. Melton and Friendly in now, and he gets the rear naked choke and the front brainbuster. Feet on the ropes, but Slambo breaks it up and gets punched by Cruise. Low blow to Melton by Chip. That wasn't very friendly. Reverse DDT for Joey, German for Cruise, and Melton goes to the outside while they back body drop Cruise over the ropes onto him. Nice spot. Catapult tope by Friendly, who feeds Cruise the steel steps while Slambo gets the last laugh on Melton on the ramp. Cruise kicks out, though. It's BONZO GONZO until Melton throws Slambo off the stage. Smiley Face on Cruise, but Melton saves and DDTs for a near-fall. Slambo distracts with a chair, apparently still alive, and Friendly uses the KNUCKS on Melton behind the ref's back, but Cruise saves. DDT and the Shipwreck nearly put Friendly away. Figure four for Friendly, but Slambo cleans house with the chair. DVD to Melton on the chair, but Cruise feeds Slambo four chairshots. Reality Check to Chip on the chair, and Cruise pulls Melton on top of him as the ref wakes up, and that does it. ****1/2 A lot of BONZO GONZO in there, but you can't go wrong with tasty heel antics.

- And suddenly, geishas, flowers for Cruise, and Beau Michaels of all people, along with the Chicken. Apparently BEAU-kozuna is here for his cutesy buttons, and the geishas, who are most definitely not women, take out Melton while Michaels holds Cruise back. Belly-to-belly by Beau, and he rubs salt in Cruise's eyes and dubs him his whore. Assless chaps ensue, and Cruise gets the Stinkface. The wrath of a gaysha scorned, indeed. Michaels segments are always comic gold.

- Street fight, PART DOS: Dan Ryan vs. IrishRed. They sneak into the Greyhound washroom stall, and Ryan slugs Red and bashes him with the plunger. Red DDTs him and feeds him the mirror. An old lady interrupts, and the boys should be ASHAMED OF THEMSELVES. Still no rating, as we're not done yet.

- Back at the ranch, Ice Tre chugs some snapple and calls it a night.

- Street fight, PART TRES: Dan Ryan vs. IrishRed. Now LIVE FROM VEGAS. They fight down the strip and dodge through traffic, and Red hightails it towards Mandalay Bay. They make it, and Red throws a wad of brochures into Ryan's face and spears him. Punches, but Ryan picks him up and lawn darts him into a slot machine. He hits the jackpot. Red fights back by throwing tokens and nailing Ryan with a passing drink tray, then sips a martini, superkicks Ryan, and smashes the martini in his face. Smooth. Spear through the doors takes them into a UCW house show. Red tries the DDT, but Ryan back body drops him to ringside, murders him with a chair, and attacks the UCW guys. Whip into the ring stairs, and Ryan takes it to the ring and punches. Humility Bomb drops one of the UCW guys across Red for the false finish. Northern Lights on the chair also doesn't do it. Ryan attacks UCW security until Red gets the low blow. He attacks Ryan with the chair, and the Cold Shot lands and turns into the Double Trouble. Ryan fights it and drops him. PRESS SLAM FROM THE RING OVER THE GUARDRAIL and Red is dead or something. Humility Bomb onto the stairs looks to end, but Beast attacks and drops Ryan with the Absolution onto the stairs and drags Red over Ryan for the duke. **1/2 Yeah, yeah, I know, but, too much SPORTZ ENTERTAINMENT and too much punchy kicky stuff. I hate garbage wrestling and I hate IrishRed. Not great wrestling, but I have to admit, comic gold.

- Ladder match, marriage license or divorce papers: Lindsay Troy Windham vs. Troy Windham. Damn Troys. Damn SPORTZ ENTERTAINMENT. Crisscross to start, and Lindsay gets the snap kick. They trade thumbs to the eyes. Lindsay goes over Windham to the apron and hotshots him, but she eats ladder as Windham kicks it into her face. MACHO WINDHAM talks trash and uses the ladder. ET TU, MISOGYNISTE? Whip to the ladder, but Lindsay flips off it with the big elbow. She goes up, but Windham cuts her off with the forearm and throws a German at her. Into the ladder. Chair, but Lindsay kicks it into his face and smacks him in the nuts with it. See, that should've been the finish. Atomic Arabian Facebuster kills Windham dead. They stagger around, and Windham feeds her the ladder. Moonsault crushes Lindsay, and Windham goes up the ladder, but Lindsay throws ninja stars at him. Yeah. Ninja stars. They fight over the ladder, and Windham knocks her off and lands a leg on her. Both are down, and Windham does some CLUBBERIN'. He goes up the ladder, but Lindsay knocks it over and crotches him on the rope. Kick by Lindsay knocks Windham into a bunch of tacks that she dropped on the floor while the camera wasn't looking. Replay catches it, though. Up the ladder, and Lindsay moonsaults off it, springboards off the top, and moonsaults again onto Windham in a huge holy **** spot that could've killed her. Windham up first, and he teases the Melton Special but gets chopped, only to powerbomb her onto the tacks. They go up the ladder, and Lindsay catches the low blow. SLUGGIN' AND BUGGIN' ensues, and Windham teases the Slackknife off the ladder, but Lindsay grabs the briefcase and hits the Frankensteiner off the ladder to put Windham away. Eeeeehhhh. After the match, it turns out the papers were the divorce papers, but since their marriage was never legal in the first place they're for Joey Melton. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOORIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING. ****1/4 for the match, easy, but the angle, well... DUD I want to give them more stars, but this soap opera crap has no place in wrestling.

The Bottom Line:

As far as wrestling goes this is probably the show of the year. The tag title match, IC title match, and the submission match are all must-see, the street fight is all garbage wrestling but a great novelty match, and the main event is must-see if you can stomach the angle, but the awesome wrestling was basically killed by the crash TV and the wedding angle drama. If you can stomach the Troy/Windham/Melton marriage nonsense and IrishRed, by all means get this show as fast as possible, but for the rest of you, just fast-forward through the angles and you'll be good.

Thumbs up.
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