The Shocker

[Mittens T. Cat]

"There once was a time, you know," Mittens said to the bartender. Why he was sitting at the bar was anyone's guess; seeing as how his face was a big, giant cat head and though he could speak through the mouth, it wasn't exactly big enough to take a shot or drink a beer. "I mean a long time ago, like, when all the old people saved the hungry jews in Belgium that were camping out, and like, ran out of food or something, when wrestling was about respect."

The bartender looked shocked, "It was GERMANY! ...they were being STARVED to death!"

Mittens stared... of course, he had to stare. He had huge round eyeballs for God's sake.

"...ugh... go ahead."

"Right, as I was saying, like, wrestling was about respect and sh*t you know? I mean EL OH FRICKIN EL JOHN, what happened to me on that scaffold was a travesty. That guy doesn't even know his own mom. Trust me, I know. He was adopted by a family of tree huggers."

"...What does that have to do with anything?"

"I'm just saying, a tree-hugging fag like him getting the best of me is unacceptable."

At this point, the music stopped on the jukebox and the bar tender stared at him as though God himself had pointed out to the man that Mittens was a demon, and gave him the task of killing the demon like in that movie/book about a dude named Fenton who's dad went apesh*t crazy and made him dig a hole and live in it and crazy ass stuff like that.

"Uhh, sir, you're in a gay bar... and I'm gonna have to ask you--."

Mittens interrupted. "This is a gaybar? What about Starla?"

A transvestite smiled and waved at the Hardkorr Puzzay.

"I think I'm gonna be sick."

"WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH, WOAH!!!" Came a voice as the bathroom door swung open and San Diego Chicken came out.

"Dude," the Chicken was laughing indeed. "I just saw a girl... WITH A DICK!!! Like, is that even possible. I mean dude, she wasn't like Starla. She had a vagina, and a weiner! LOL!"

Somewhere, Davey Crockett was smiling: Q

"Shut up Chicken, I don't even know why we're hanging out. You got paid to set me up so I could get beat up."

"The reason we're hanging out," SDC explained. "Is because I'm the closest thing to a friend you've got. Plus, I bought you a hooker."

"Starla was a man, you ass."

"A horse is a horse, Mittens, or do you not realize that?"

"..."

"..."

"You're a real piece of sh*t you know that? I have friends, okay?"

"Who? Don King? That guy isn't your friend. He just wants your money."

Don King appeared like a thief in the night. "Actually, I am his friend, it's in my contract. Extra fifty dollars a week to be his friend."

"See?" Mittens said with some conviction. "I have f*cking friends you rabbitdick."

"I'm a chicken."

"You're a fag."

The Bartender once again stared at Mittens as though he'd just raped his entire family with a toothbrush that had been turned into a prisonshank by someone serving 25 to life, and then peed on all their chests, except for him and he was jealous.

"ONCE AGAIN, SIR."

"Mittens."

"Wha--?"

"Call me Mittens."

"...ONCE AGAIN, MITTENS, I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU TO--"

San Diego Chicken interrupted, "Dude, seriously, that chick had a set of balls too. I was like... 'ooooooooooooooooooooh!!!! what the **** lady...sir!?!'"

Mittens shrugged, "Hey man, I can understand that. I mean, one time I gave this girl the shocker and she said the same thing."

"What's the shocker?" Don King asked. "Is that where like, there's five fiiiiine b*tches lined up, bent over and you're like 'yeah b*tch, yeah b*tch, take my peter'. and then you just stick it in each butthole, one after the other. Double dippin' every once in a while, but don't get too greedy cuz dem b*tches be like, 'No Don, no! it's her turn Don! it's her turn! You aint payin' me enough for this' so then you have to slap her for being a stupid ho. And you're like, 'ho, hey, ho. You aint nuttin but a ho, you know dat right? SO I SUGGEST YOU ES TEE EF YOU BEFORE I SLIT YOUR THROAT, HO!' and then she like, 'ok... fine... double dip as often as you like'. So then you tripple dip and slap her again, and then you start to jizz and you catch it in your hand and spit on her back so she thinks you came on it. then she turns around and you sling it right in her face and yell, 'SPIDERMAN!!!'. Is that the shocker?"

"..."

"..."

"No, Don, that's not the shocker."

"oh."

"Anyway," SDC said. "Where the hell is Chuck?"

"Yeah, where the hell is Chuck?"

In the corner, surrounded by transvestites, former Love Connection and current LINGO host, Chuck Woolery, was smokin a cigar and drinkin some scotch.

"So I said, 'Hey b*tch... come over here and suck my c0ck!!!' AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I laughed my ass off, I really did. My mom has NEVER blushed so bad. Of course, I was kidding, but when she obliged... I mean... I didn't stop her. That's not weird is it? I mean, weird for her, but not me is it? I mean, every guy will take a b.j. right? right?"

The transvestites just smiled and played with his hair.

"Right." He took a rolled up Benjamin and snorted some sort of pale particulate off of the table in front of him.

"Should we leave him?" Mittens asked.

"Yeah, screw it. He'll realize later just who those... 'girls' are. You know, when he goes for the shocker."

Don King jumped in, "What's the shocker? Is that when you in a limo full of white b*tches, and--"

"No. That's not the shocker."

"oh."

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this rp was brought to you by Alex, who will take his rightful place in the guiness book of world records this week, for having the biggest scrotum.