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The SIMON LINEKER Press Conference


Where's my money, Chad?
Jul 3, 1997
The Silk Road
(FADEIN: A moderately sized conference table, spot-lit amid a pitch-black backdrop, with three seated individuals. The table curtain features the logos of three different organizations – The Death Collective, Castor Strife Productions, and the British Wrestling Association. The man on the far right is an athletic type with neatly combed brown hair and a bullet gray Armani suit with matching timepiece. His name is ROBBY LELAND, and he leans forward with folded hands to speak into a thin microphone)

LELAND: “Good afternoon. On behalf of Castor Strife Productions and The Death Collective, I would like to welcome our friends in the local media here in London for attending today, as well as journalists who traveled from the United States and EU to cover this event. Your support is greatly appreciated. Most of all, I want to thank the British Wrestling Association for their co-sponsorship and cooperation.”

“My name is Robby Leland, Talent Relations Czar for The Death Collective. On the other end of the table is John Crawford, Chair of the Board for the British Wrestling Association, and seated between us is the reason we are here today, Great Britain Olympic Gold Medalist in freestyle wrestling at the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics, England’s own SIMON LINEKER.”

(Salutatory acknowledgment from LINEKER, a well-built athlete with stocky upper-body, shaved head and pronouncer jaw line. For the press conference, he is wearing a white Polo sweater with his Olympic medal around his neck)

LELAND: “I am proud to announce that Mr. Lineker has signed a three-year contract to wrestle for The Death Collective. We are beyond thrilled to have an athlete of his magnitude on our roster. He lends a special credibility to our product, and will be an asset to our televised show, Black Market TV, which we will film LIVE in London at York Hall.”

“When Castor Strife hired me to work for The Death Collective, he gave me a clear objective: to build a roster of star-level talent. Athletes who can bring eyes to the product, and help take our company to the next level. I believe that Simon Lineker fits this description. He is a star in the making, not just from an athletic perspective, but in terms of aura and charisma. We could have had other accomplished athletes. We specifically wanted him.”

“I think John here can speak to some of the reasons why. John...”

CRAWFORD: (clears throat) “Right. ‘Allo everyone, my name’s John Crawford, Chair at the British Wrestling Association. I won’t be takin’ up too much of ya time here, no one’s lookin’ to hear from me and such. It’s just such...great honor, it really is, to be able to talk about the magnificent talent that is Simon Lineker. Really. I’ve known him since he was a young boy, just the most fearless competitor you could ever imagine, and he proved that there at the Olympics, yes?”

“Now if ya know anything about British wrestling, then you’re aware that we rarely ever produce gold medalists or world champions. Freestyle wrestling is not one of our stronger competitions. That’s why we in the wrestling community in the UK look at Simon as a national hero, because that’s what he is. A man who put the Kingdom on his back and led us to victory against the odds.”

“We are very much hoping that the popular interest in the UK with regards to professional wrestling, and the presence of Simon in this new venture of Mr. Strife’s based here in London, will ultimately lead more young Brits to pursue a competitive career in amateur wrestling.”

“Thank you for letting me speak here today.”

(Puts the mic down. Realizes he forgot to introduce Lineker, picks up the mic again)

“And now here’s Mr. Simon Lineker, OLYMPIC Gold Medalist from the UK!”

(Lineker looks over at Crawford, nods, smiles, thanks him and addresses his attention to the media)

LINEKER: “Hello, and good afternoon. My name is Simon Lineker, and I am a reluctant man. When I stepped onto the mats in Beijing in 2008, it was not with the intention of being anyone’s hero. I did it, because wrestling is in my blood. Being the best was not just a goal but an obsession.”

“That day, I was the best. And such a title comes with responsibility. For those young men and women not just in the UK and Britain, but all across the great European continent, who need an example, I am happy to sacrifice a bit of myself, my privacy and personal wants, to be available for them, and give these good people a figure they can get behind.”

“A figure that can inspire, as John said, other young Brits and young Europeans into joining an amateur wrestling gym. If pro-wrestling can be a conduit for that to happen, then I am proud to call myself a PROFESSIONAL wrestler.”

“Thank you to Castor Strife Productions and The Death Collective for giving me this wonderful opportunity. If you in the media have any questions, I will happily answer to the best of my ability. YES, you...what’s your name?”

(A female reporter stands up from the crowd)

REPORTER #1: “Hi, Maddie Conway, SkySports. What does it mean to you, Simon, to be able to perform in front an audience in London on a regular basis as sort of the flag-bearer for a wrestling company that will draw most of its fans from the UK, and will obviously have an economic impact here at home?”

LINEKER: “Well...that is certainly a nice thing. As I’ve said, I am happy to perform here in London or anywhere, really. In terms of impact, as it’s been stated to me from Castor Strife himself, the intention is to build a continental wrestling company across Europe, and quite obviously that starts right here. So it’s a pleasure for me to play a key role, starting in London, and helping to expand further out so that fans in Spain, Germany, France, Poland, many millions of people, can enjoy what we do and get behind, hopefully anyhow, get behind me so we can impact as many lives as possible, in London and other great European cities. Yes, you in the center? Center right, yes.”

(A man with a black-beard and wild eyes, dressed in a suit with press credentials hanging around his neck, steps up for the next question)

REPORTER #2: “Have ya ever been punched on the mat?”

LINEKER: “I don’t...do you mean have I caught an accidental elbow or hand?”

REPORTER #2: “NO, how about ya ever caught an INTENTIONAL one? Meanin’, has anyone ever put a hand on ya with the intent to hurt?”

LINEKER: “Who are-“

REPORTER #2: “HAVE YA BEEN HIT? Cause...I’m gonna hit ya!

LELAND: “Will someone remove this man please?”

REPORTER #2: “Dunt play styyupid, corporate man! Ya know who I am, ya signed me. Or do ya not recognize? Ma name is NUCKELAVEE, and I’m your opponent on the BLACK MARKET, Mister Lineker. It’s gonna be me and you...”

LINEKER: “And this is how you confront me?”

NUCKELAVEE: “No...no no no. This is a simple introduction. When I’m beatin’ yer face into the mat, with fists ya never felt, pain you never had the displeasure of meetin’...that’ll be how I confront ya.”

(Lineker stands up, mouth away from the mic now, so his voice is loud but distant as he yells back at Nuckelavee)

LINEKER: “This is what an Olympic athlete looks like. The first and certainly the last time you’ll ever see one up close! We’re not going to bar room brawl, it’s gonna be an athletic contest...-“

NUCKELAVEE: “For a while, ya. (nods) For a little while. Til I drag you undertow, deep waters, aye. Then we’ll see about yer athletic contest.”

LELAND: “Mr. Nuckelavee, the purpose of this press conference was an introduction. You’ll have time for self-promotion, believe me...-“

NUCKELAVEE: “Shootcher cunt-paste mouth, boy, I’M TALKIN! Deep waters, Lineker! There are no Admirals when yer ship’s out ta deep waters, only warriors, survivors. You’ll see who I am, no doubt. See who you are too, aye.”

LELAND: “Thank you for coming everybody, that about does it for our pr-“

LINEKER: “We’re not the same caliber person, you’re a gutter puncher. A GUTTER PUNCHER.”

NUCKELAVEE: “Hahahaha I like that, keep believin’ that yer-“

(Broadcast cuts off as we FADE TO BLACK)

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