Valhalla Productions 213 - The Last Temptation of Olvir
(Open up outside the Cow Palace on the eve of the much-anticipated Tournament of Champions, sponsored by TEAM, the leading name in inter-fed professional wrestling entertainment. The fans are coming in droves from near and far—we see a fly-by of a license plate from a crew of friends driving out from North Carolina to converge on the acclaimed event.)
(With the sun down, trunks pop open, grills come out, and a blend of tail-gating and ritual fan-festing occurs, with travelers from all over the nation blending with the local flavor. With their wallets come the merchants, setting up their kiosks and shilling out a variety of t-shirts and posters and DVDs—one fan in an EPW t-shirt buys himself a copy of the recent NAPW event, with an intrigued look on his face.)
(Here and there, we see one of the entrants in the tournament, moving through the crowd, stopping here and there for an autograph or photo op with a fan. They look cautious at all times, especially when crossing paths with men they would very well be competing against in just 24 hours. But everything remains calm, and with good reason; TEAM security regularly patrol through to keep the peace, and even Jess Chapel is out and about, working hard to make sure all of his loyal fans are happy. So far, there have been no complaints.)
(But that’s all about to change.)
VALHALLA PRODUCTION COMPANY
Presents
(After this montage of these inter-mingling fans and talents outside the arena, the camera focuses in on the barge “parked” at the far end of the parking lot, a large hunk of wood carved in the likeness of an elegant Norse dragon longboat, the size of a spacious bus, resting atop a set of wheels. Just outside the aquatic-turned-terrestrial vehicle are literally DOZENS of exciting fans, all cheering a single name that can be heard quite audibly throughout the entire parking lot.)
“OLVIR!!”
“OLVIR!!”
“OLVIR!!”
OLVIR ARSVINNAR
In
(And standing there, alone upon the bow of the ship, stands the massive, god-like form of the Norse superman known as “THE BUTT-DOMINATOR” OLVIR ARSVINNAR, bearing his standard fur-matted boots, fire-brazen gauntlets, toughened-leather loincloth, and erect-horned helm! His long golden beard flows in the gentle wind, as he stands in a well postured position, his arms flexed in a manner that makes his entire chiseled body seem to glow with force, and his colt Arctic blue eyes staring off eons through the Universe, into the faces of the gods themselves. The dastardly Viking appears to be meditating to himself through his own form of Tai Chi—or as the Norse call it, Fjorkin er Bjorken Njorken. Say that five times fast. Or six, if you think you’re awesome.)
(He stares off into the distance, paying no attention at all to his legion of loyal fans. His face bears a grave expression of importance, which is automatic give-away that something is unusual. At a time like this, amid a party with so many bountiful maidens in his presence, we could be certain that the Great Olvir would be gettin’ busy with his notorious debauchery. For now, though, even as women throw their underwear in his direction, he only appears to be bothered by it all.)
(Something is not right with the Olvir Arsvinnar we know and love.)
"THE LAST TEMPTATION OF OLVIR"
(Sliding into the frame is the past-his-years professional wrestler-turned-field reporter, Terry “THE IDOL” Anderson, looking snazzy in his leisure suit and brawny with his well-groomed beard. He flashes the camera a smile and a wink as he raises the mic to speaking level.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Hello yet again, fans of TEAM!! It’s the one and only Terry “THE IDOL” Anderson, here on the scene of the Cow Palace parking lot, where all of the most devoted fans have come to this
MECCA of professional wrestling events! If you’re at home watching this, then truly, you’re missing out on one HELL of a bash!
Fans have come from far and wide, from EL-AYE to EN-WHY, turning out to see their favorite professional wrestling star compete in the Tournament of Champions that takes place in just one day. Let’s talk to some of them now!
(He approaches the nearby crowd that have converged around Olvir’s longboat—specifically, the chicks with the nice cans wearing the low-cut tank-tops that read “My Butt Got DOMINATED At the ToC!”)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Well hello, ladies! What are your names?
Tiffany
Hee-hee… Tiffany!
Britney
And I’m Britney!
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
A pleasure to make your acquaintance, ladies! So tell me, Tiffany… Britney… who did
you come to see compete in the Tournament of Champions!
(They look to each other and giggle like school girls. To be fair, both these girls look a bit tipsy, and probably have only half a brain cell between them, but Terry appears to be enamored with their cleavage at the moment. Simultaneously they turn to the man standing tall on the boat and point right at him.)
Tiffany and Britney
THE GREAT OLVIR!! WWWOOOOOO!!!
(This merits another big cheer from the fans. Again, however, Olvir doesn’t react, moving his arms around into a new posture that shows off another angle of his infallible form. The fans are delighted, but the Viking seems to be doing this more for himself.)
Britney
So hey… Mr. Important Man, sir… I have a question for ya.
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Just call me
“IDOL”, girls. Now what did you want to know?
Britney
Well, Idy… you think there’s any way you could
sneak us on board Olvir’s big ship??
Tiffany
Oh yeah, Idy! Introduce us! We TOTALLY want to meet him!
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Heh heh…
sorry, ladies. You gotta have a press pass like one of these to get into the VIP areas.
(He taps the laminated card held by a lanyard around his neck as proof. The two bimbos edge closer to him, clutching his arms and making his face turn beet red.)
Britney
Are you sure you don’t have just a couple more of those tucked away somewhere?
Tiffany
We can help you find them! Are they here in your pants…?
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Oh wow…
Britney
Is there
anything we can do for you? Anything at all??
Tiffany
We’ll TOTALLY show you a good time if you help us out!
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Oh yeah…
JACKPOT!!
(Terry is about to turn to ooze… when—)
“ANDERSON!!”
(—the reporter pops nearly three feet into the air as his voice is suddenly announced. Then, stepping into the frame is none other than the owner of TEAM himself, Jess Chapel!)
Jess Chapel
Just what the heck are you up to?!
(Terry quickly shoves his groupies aside and straightens himself up as the man who signs the check approaches him.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Oh, Mr. Chapel! Uhh… nothing much!
Jess Chapel
You weren’t about to let those two girls into the VIP area, were you?
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
…of course not! Boss, come on! They didn’t even have media passes!
Jess Chapel
No fans are allowed inside the VIP areas, Terry…
period. The VIP areas are specifically for the talent and the TEAM officials
only; it’s the only place other than the locker room where these guys can get away from all these kids and families looking to get their posters autographed. The fans shouldn’t be in there under any circumstances. Do you understand?
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Clear as crystal, Boss! I was just continuing to cover the
fastest rising star in today’s wide world of professional wrestling! Did you happen to see the
MASS of fans he’s brought out to this event??
(On cue, the fans unanimously CHEER in support of their hero! Chapel does look impressed.)
Jess Chapel
Okay, Anderson… so you weren’t lying about his star power. But the fact remains, he’s a loose canon… and if there’s one thing I
don’t want on my hands right now is a bunch of trouble!
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Trouble?! Aw, come on, Boss! The Great Olvir isn’t here to make any
trouble! He’s just here to mingle with his fans and have a good time… and show a few of
them a good time, if you get my drift!
(Chapel briefly glances at the noble Viking standing upon the ship, oblivious to the outside world.)
Jess Chapel
What’s he doing now?
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Well… I’m not sure, Boss. He’s been acting strange lately. Whatever
this is that he’s doing, he’s been at it for a few hours. I don’t think he wants to be bothered.
Jess Chapel
…hm. Well, he doesn’t appear to be bothering anybody in doing it, so it’s no problem for me. But if anything changes, Anderson, make sure he keeps his nose clean!
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
It won’t be a problem, Mr. Chapel!
(The TEAM Owner and General Manager exits, meeting up with another group of fans and asking them how they’re doing. Anderson wipes a bead of sweat from his eyebrow, and is immediately tense again as the two airhead babes grope him from either side.)
Britney
So come on, Idy!
Tiffany
Yeah… we wanna go on board!
Britney
You wanna go on board
with us, don’t ya?
Tiffany
We wanna be on board
all night long!
(Terry chuckles devilishly, but throws an uncertain glance to Olvir. Is he even up for it right now?)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Heh heh… tell you what, ladies. Let me run up there and tell the Great Olvir himself that the two of you are eager to meet him personally! We’ll all be up there sooner than you know it, and then…
Britney
…then we can get the PARTY started!
Tiffany
Oh
yyeeaaaahhhh…
(Sighing lustily, they continue to grope at Terry until he hastily excuses himself and hurries up the rampway in the background that leads to the deck of Olvir’s land-based vessel.)
(We cut to a shot on deck as Terry, practically salivating all over himself, quickly hurries up to the side of the silenced Viking warlord.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Hey Olvir… how’s it going?
Olvir Arsvinnar
…what brings you here, Son of Anders.
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Hey, uh… you look busy, but man, there’s these two girls down there that
TOTALLY want to get down, and I thought you might want to get in on that action!
Olvir Arsvinnar
…not tonight, my friend. I wish to be alone.
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Whoa… are you
serious?? What’s gotten into you, Olvir?
Olvir Arsvinnar
Maybe some other time, Son of Ander. For now, I must focus on the task set before me.
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Yeah, but… whatever happened to getting all
pumped up before the big fight by trying to
BANG as many chicks as you could in a single night?! Remember how much
FUN it was back then?
Olvir Arsvinnar
It is different this time. I… must not fail.
(From below, the crowd begins to pick up their “Olvir!” chant once again. Terry looks from the crowd back to Olvir, who only seems irritated to have his concentration interrupted. Gruffly, he breaks his post and heads to the starboard side of the ship, away from the parking lot.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Hey… where you goin’?
Olvir Arsvinnar
Away from here! Maybe to a secluded grove where I can be alone with my thoughts!
(With that, the Great Olvir agilely SPRINGS over the side of the longboat and disappears into a copse of trees that originally bordered the parking area. Terry peers out into the dark, looking for him.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Whoa, Olvir! Hey… OLVIR!! Come back, man! You can’t leave me hangin’!
(Another set of eyes peers over the rail next to him—barely—belonging to the captain of Olvir’s dwarven guard, Stumpy.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
What’s gotten into him, Stumpy?
Stumpy
Ya got me, Idol. I ain’t never seen him like this. But whatever it is, I figure it’s all his to work out.
(From behind them comes a familiar annoyingly playful and slurred voice.)
Tiffany
Hay Iiiiiiddddyyyyy…. where’d you go??
(Anderson glances to the midget beside him.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Can I trust you to have my back on this?
(Stumpy drops his pants on the spot and runs in the direction of the voice.)
Stumpy
Geez, bro, thought you’d
NEVER ask!
(Terry looks into the dark again, seeing nothing.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Stay outta trouble, Olvir!
(A smile suddenly peeking out on his face, Anderson ran after Stumpy, clapping his hand excitedly.)
=================================
(Meanwhile, within the dark and obscured grassy area away from the parking lot, the Great Olvir strode briskly through the night, seeking quarter from the myriad of distractions that surrounded him back there. Despite his focus, however, he took no notice of the shadowy figure that quietly followed in his massive footsteps, making great efforts to remain unnoticed.)
(Eventually, the Great Olvir steps between a pair of shrubs, and emerges onto the sidewalk just down the road from the arena. Traffic is passing by as even more fans try to converge on the location. Olvir is unsure of where to go from here, looking in either direction, until—)
“Hey there, big guy…”
(The Viking spins around, and apparently appearing out of nowhere is a sultry-dressed woman who looks like she’s been taken right out of a copy of Penthouse. With a sexy smile, she plays with a strand of her hair while her eyes look upon the perfect form of Olvir.)
Sultry-Dressed Woman
I think I recognize you… you’re the Great Olvir Arsvinnar! The Butt-Dominator himself! Is it true what they say about you?
(Olvir carefully looks upon her much-exposed figure, and seems internally torn. A part of himself wants to spring forward and carry this maiden off immediately, but another side keeps him standing in place. He forces himself to turn around.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
Away, woman! I desire solitude at the moment…
(He tries to leave, but—)
Sultry-Dressed Woman
That’s too bad, cause I’d
love some company with you right now! I hear you have a reputation for being able to go all night long! That’s good to hear, cause sometimes I like to go three nights in a row!
Oh, by the way… my name is Elantra.
(Again, Olvir must force himself to turn away.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
Well, Fair Elantra… though I am well-reputed to do just that, I am hardly interested in doing it at the moment!
(The mysterious Elantra glances away momentarily as though listening to a voice that we cannot hear, and nods.)
Elantra
Oh, I see how it is… I guess they were
wrong about you then.
(The Great Olvir stops dead in his tracks, his eyes popping open…)
Elantra
That’s really a shame… a Viking pornstar that suddenly can’t
get it up? Well, I guess you’re not the only meathead around here I can get some tubesteak from…
Bigger tubesteak, I’m sure!
(Olvir twirls around, his face contorting into blatant offense.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
Watch your venomous tongue, wench! There is not a
MAN on the planet as
ENDOWED or as
ERECT as the GREATNESS that is Olvir!!
Elantra
Oh yeah…?
…well why don’t you
prove it!
Olvir Arsvinnar
VERY WELL!!
(In an instant, the Viking’s massive arms shoot out and pluck the voluptuous woman from where she is standing. Immediately, she is slung over his shoulder, and he is quickly stamping to the closest location to begin the rites of consummation.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
Blasted woman, you DARE question the strength of the Great Olvir’s most powerful MUSCLE!? By the Throbbing Hammer of Thor, I will PART your taut cheeks aside and DEMOLISH your supple ARSE with the fury of Fenrir!
Elantra
Oh, I can’t wait! Take me, Olvir! Hurry!
(Something in her voice sounds like she’s only putting this on.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
You shall soon SEE, ignoble woman, the GREATNESS that is Olvir for yourself, as soon we come to a obscured place to begin this noble act of sodomy!
(He suddenly stops dead in his tracks.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
Um… where might I find such a place, anyway?
Elantra
Um… we can go to my motel room. Just down the street here… Room 16A.
(From between a pair of knockers about to spill out, she pulls out her room key. The Great Olvir tears it out of her hand and continues down the sidewalk. The parking lot of the motel in question is just in sight.)
Elantra
Hurry, Olvir! It’s just down at the end!
Olvir Arsvinnar
SILENCE, foul hen! Save your breath to BELLOW my might name when my GREATNESS is inside you!
(Olvir steps into the parking lot and quickly spies the door at the very end of the building, bearing the number “16A.” He makes a quickly beeline for it.)
Elantra
Faster, Olvir! FASTER!! I want to FEEL it!!
(come on… any
day now…)
(We suddenly cut to another angle… on top of the building. We’re looking at Olvir through a pair of crosshairs trained right at the mighty Viking’s scowling face.)
(As quick as we had this view, we go back to Olvir continuing to stomp across the parking lot, now halfway to his destination.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
By the Great Single Eye of Odin, puny lass, you will NEVER be the same after you have been PENETRATED by the GREATNESS that is—
*THWIP!*
(A small, feathered object suddenly materializes in the center of his massive pectoral. Olvir takes notice, but in a way that one would react to a mosquito.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
Now THAT is strange! The Great Olvir does not recall an instance where his diamond-cutting nipples turned into FEATHERY PHALLUSES when he grew excited!
*THWIP!-THWIP!-THWIP!*
(In the blink of an eye, nearly a DOZEN more appear. The Viking's eyes begin to flutter.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
Oh… MY…
(In a rare scene, the titan's knees buckle, and he collapses. From his shoulders, Elantra quickly frees herself and falls safely onto her feet.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
What… is HAPPENING?! My STRENGTH is LEAVING ME!!
Help me, Fair Maiden!
*WHAP!!*
(The sound of her heeled shoe cracking against the cheekbone of the barbarian's bearded face rings like a thunderclap through the empty parking lot. The Norseman falls onto his back, struggling to move.)
Elantra
Help
yourself, you freakin' slime!
(Olvir grunts and struggles, but can't move more than a few inches at a time, despite all his strength. A look of concern appears in his typically fearless eyes.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
I am… IMMOBILIZED!!
Fiendish… woman!! You have… led the Great Olvir… into a TRAP!!
(Elantra lets out an evil laugh. Then there is the sound of approaching footsteps.)
“I'm glad you were able to catch onto your own folly, Olvir.”
(The voice came from the shadow that fell upon the fallen Viking. Immediately, Olvir recognized his face, and managed to snarl.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
RAVAGER!!
(In his best black suit, Ravager enters the frame, carrying a used tranquilizer rifle in his arms. He smiles proudly over his handiwork, soon approached by Elantra.)
Elantra
Well, looks like your plan worked. Where's my money?
Ravager
In your room, along with your train ticket. Take it and never speak of this.
Elantra
Pleasure doing business with you.
(With a final apathetic look at the Viking struggling to breath on the asphalt, Elantra departs for the motel room and disappears. Ravager observed the several darts buried in the skin right over the berzerker's heart.)
Ravager
One tranquilizer on its own is enough to keep a normal man for a few days... but I decided to give you the lot. I'm honestly surprised you're still conscious.
Olvir Arsvinnar
YOU… did this… to ME!! But… WHY?!
Ravager
Come on, Olivir… did you really think I wouldn't be prepared for you? Did you think I'd just FORGET about you after the Invitational Tournament? I knew you'd blindly come after me for revenge… and like the hunter I am, I let you come and walk right into my crosshairs.
You're predictable, Olvir. It's why I bested you the first time, and why I've bested you here again.
Olvir Arsvinnar
You will… PAY… for THIS!!
(Olvir's eyes begin to flutter. He's slipping out. Ravager leans in close so that he'll be able to hear his final words.)
Ravager
It's like I told you, Olvir… I'll do ANYTHING IT TAKES to win. Even it means putting you on the sidelines for this tournament. No big deal though; it's not like you were even meant to
qualify.
But you're not my problem anymore, Olvir. With you out of the way, there is
nothing to stop me from winning the Tournament of Champions... and my shot at the Champion of Champions. Sorry, old buddy... but I'm
not going home empty handed anymore.
(A sneering grin crosses his face.)
Ravager
As the saying goes… it's nothing personal…
Just business.
(With that, Ravager SPITS in the eye of Olvir. The defenseless Viking can do nothing but lie there as the shadow looming over him disappears and Ravager quietly leaves the scene... and a moment later, another shadow appears.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Whoa, OLVIR!! Man, these chicks are CRAZY!! They're—
…Olvir?
(The reporter drops the mic as he sees the Viking in a place he's never seen him before—ON THE GROUND, nearly motionless! Truthfully, Olvir is just now going to black.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
OLVIR!!
Olvir Arsvinnar
rrrRRRRRRRRAAAAaaavvaagggeeerrrrr…
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Oh man! Haang oonn buuuddddyyyy...
(Black…)
=================================
“OLVIR”
(His eyes popped open, and where the Viking warrior found himself was like nowhere he had seen before. Truly, his surroundings were a landscape of ethereal shapes and clouds, sightless and intangible, yet everywhere at once.)
(Then, from this storm of light, emerges a line of four figures, each clad in the most illustrious armor ever invisioned. They are equally infallible, regal, and proud. Truly they could only be…)
Olvir Arsvinnar
By the Gods!
(…the Gods themselves!)
(Stepping forward is the stately one-eyed All-Father, ODIN.)
Odin
OLVIR.
THE GODS ADDRESS YOUR GREATNESS.
Olvir Arsvinnar
Father Odin! I am SHAMED to show my face to you! Again, I have FAILED to preserve your honor!
Odin
TAKE HEART, NOBLE OLVIR. AND STOP BEING A PANSY-ASS. IT IS IN THIS TIME THAT YOU MUST REMEMBER YOUR VIKING PRIDE AND STAND MIGHTY.
Olvir Arsvinnar
But… this RAVAGER fights with DECEPTION and TRICKERY!! He fights on a level
below the ways of the noble Viking… and has bested me at my every effort!
Odin
YOU MUST NOT FAIL IN YOUR TASK, DOMINATOR OF MANY HINDS. YOU SERVE A GREAT CAUSE IN OUR PLANS. YOU ARE DESTINED TO BE THE CHAMPION OF THE GREAT NORSE GODS. AND AN INSPIRATION TO THE THOUSANDS OF THOSE WHO ADORE YOU.
(With a wave of his hand, the spectral lights part and open a window in time. We see the crowd still gathered in a vigil outside the longboat in the parking lot. The fans stay in wait, chanting his name…)
“OLVIR! OLVIR! OLVIR! OLVIR!”
Odin
YOU WILL INFLUENCE AN ENTIRE GENERATION WITH OUR VIKING WAYS. MANY WARRIORS WILL BE BRED THROUGH YOUR GREAT INSPIRATION, GIVING US MANY WARRIORS TO FIGHT ALONGSIDE US IN GREAT VALHALLA DURING THE WAR OF RAGNAROK.
(Olvir stares long into the faces of his fans. He had always seen them as commonplace… the occassional fine-arsed maiden to be plucked out here and there. But now, for the first time, he understood and cherished their support. They were the warriors that would follow him during his ascent to the title of Champion of Champions! And he would not fail them!)
(With newfound confidence, Arsvinnar turned to the Gods in his presence.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
In the Name of Odin, I will not fail you!
Odin
THEN TAKE WITH YOU THESE GIFTS TO HELP YOUR ASS-BLASTING DOMINANCE.
(Tyr, the God of War, comes before him.)
Tyr
WRATHFUL OLVIR, TAKE WITH YOU THIS GIFT OF BLOODLUST. MAY YOUR RAGE NEVER CEASE AS ENEMIES STAND BEFORE YOU.
(The Great Olvir's eyes turn to red hot FIRE as the rage of Tyr enters him!)
(Thor, the God of Thunder, comes before him.)
Thor
POWERFUL OLVIR, TAKE WITH YOU THIS GIFT OF MIGHT. MAY YOUR STRENGTH NEVER FALTER AS FOES COME TO STRIKE YOU DOWN.
(The Great Olvir's muscles BULGE with fierce intensity as the strength of Thor enters him!)
(Freya, the Goddess of Love, comes before him.)
Freya
ENDOWED OLVIR, TAKE WITH YOU THIS GIFT OF POTENCY. MAY YOUR LOINS NEVER DESIST AS BOUNTIFUL ARSE PRESENTS ITSELF.
(The Great Olvir's loins SWELL with unmatched girth as the lust of Freya enters him!)
(Finally, Odin, the Father God of All, comes before him.)
Odin
GREAT OLVIR, TAKE WITH YOU THIS GIFT OF WISDOM. MAY YOUR ALL-SEEING EYE UNDERSTAND ALL THE CHALLENGES PUT BEFORE YOU.
WITH THESE GIFTS, NONE SHALL STOP YOU.
(The Great Olvir's eyes feel with EVERLASTING TRUTH as the wisdom of Odin enters him!)
Odin
GO, OLVIR!
IN THE NAME OF THE GODS, FIND VICTORY.
AND BRING US BACK A HAM SANDWICH.
Thor
AND AN IPOD, IF YOU CAN. THE RADIO SUCKS HERE IN VALHALLA.
Olvir Arsvinnar
DO NOT FEAR, MIGHTY NORSE GODS!! I WILL NOT FAIL YOU!! THE VIKINGS WILL PREVAIL!! THE VIKINGS WILL—
=================================
Blonde Nurse
Go ahead, look at it!
(A blonde nurse and brunette nurse—both incredibly attractive—are bent over the prone body of Olvir as it lays motionless in a hospital bed. They seem to be focused on the place in his hospital gown where his crotch would be.)
Blonde Nurse
Come on… you’re not
afraid are you.
Brunette Nurse
Afraid? Of course not!
Blonde Nurse
Then go ahead!
(Egged on by her cohort, the brunette lifts up the end of the gown to take a peek at what’s beneath. Her eyes nearly pop out of her head.)
Brunette Nurse
Oh man, it’s HUGE!! They really WEREN’T lying!
Blonde Nurse
Not at all. You think you could take that entire thing where he usually sticks it?
Brunette Nurse
Oh, I couldn’t imagine! Still… I hear he has a way of making it work.
Blonde Nurse
I don’t even think I can hold that entire thing in my mouth!
Brunette Nurse
Well why don’t you try it out?
(She looks flabberghasted.)
Blonde Nurse
What, here? Now?
Brunette Nurse
What better opportunity is there?
(She looks uncertain…)
Brunette Nurse
Come on… are you afraid?
Blonde Nurse
Oh, I’ll show YOU who’s afraid!
(Hesitating with every second, she slowly pulls up Olvir’s hospital gown, and he doesn’t react, his meter beeping quietly at a steady rhythm. With a deep breath, she sticks her head in…)
Blonde Nurse
…mmph…
Brunette Nurse
Well? Is it in?
Blonde Nurse
Mm-hm.
Brunette Nurse
Can you get it in any deeper?
Blonde Nurse
Mmm…
Brunette Nurse
Well, hurry up! I want a chance to—
Olvir Arsvinnar
—PREVAIL!!
Blonde Nurse
G’RK!!
(Without warning, Olvir BREAKS out of sleep, barking his final words to the Norse Gods into the silence and startling the brunette nurse onto her feet! Olvir’s mighty arms reach out for anything—and his massive hands only find the front of the nurse’s white gown, which is quickly torn away revealing her undergarments and figure beneath. Benny Hill would be loving this now.)
(In surprise, she screams and covers herself. The blonde nurse, meanwhile, is having a hard time of her own. In more ways than one, if you catch my drift.)
Blonde Nurse
MMMNNN-GGGDDDDD!!!
(Olvir suddenly realizes where he is and looks at first confused… then impatient.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
OH!! Fair Valkyries!! Please forgiven my intrusion on your duty, but it is not time for me to enter the Valhalla!
(He takes the blonde nurse’s hair by the ponytail and pops him off his “greatness” with a SFX “pop” noise to go with it. She reels back, revealing her mouth, now stretched open as though she has lockjaw.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
It appears you’ve come to DISCOVER my GREATNESS! HA!! Seek me later tonight, woman, and I will introduce it in OTHER places!!
(He quickly brushes her aside and comes to his feet, tearing his flimsy hospital gown off in a single stroke just as the camera zooms in above waist height. He stands NUDE in the center of the hospital run as the stunned nurses quickly flee, the monitor now beeping LOUD and INTENSELY.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
But for now… the Great Olvir must find VENGEANCE!!
(Cut out into the waiting room, where Terry “The Idol” Anderson, still in the suit he was wearing last night, is midway through conversation on the phone. Sitting patiently nearby is Stumpy, silently guarding his master’s battle axe and a bag of his things.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
…well, I don’t think he’ll like hearing
that at all, Boss! He’s going to want to strike back!
…
Oh, so this guy gets away scot-free, and meanwhile Olvir lies paralyzed in a hospital bed, missing out on the Tournament?
…
Fine, whatever…
(Frustrated, he hangs up. As he does, the door opens and a middle-aged doctor enters, coming to him. Terry is eager to hear the news.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
So… how is he, Doc?
(The physician is about to answer, when…)
*BAM!!*
(…the door comes FLYING OFF ITS HINGES behind him, and the Great Olvir, fire-eyed and glistening in sweat, not to mention completely naked, barges into the room. Anderson looks completely STUNNED!)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
OLVIR, you’re… you’re FINE!! And BARE-ASSED NAKED!! Where did your clothes go?!
(On cue, Stumpy pops into the frame and hands Olvir the bag.)
Stumpy
Here ya go, Master!
Olvir Arsvinnar
Thank you, Stumpy the Humble!
(Olvir tears the bag open, and quickly attires himself in his furry boots and britches and brazen bracers and helmet. As he does this, Anderson, looking for answers, turns to the doctor.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
I don’t get it, doctor! Last night, you told me that the levels of that paralysis toxin in his blood would keep him in a coma for at least a week!
Doctor
Yes, well… I’m
equally baffled by this recovery! I’ve never seen anything like this in all my years! It’s as though this guy was
more than human.
Olvir Arsvinnar
Puny poisons are not enough to stop the GREAT OLVIR!! I am the
CHAMPION of the realm of Asgard, and that will NOT be forgotten!!
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Phew! Well Olvir, it looks like you’re back to 100%... and maybe even
200%, by the way you look. Good thing you woke up the very next day, because the Tournament of Champions is tonight!
Olvir Arsvinnar
Indeed it is, Son of Ander!
But something more important is at hand! STUMPY THE MINISCULE!!
Stumpy
What ho, Master?!
Olvir Arsvinnar
Hand the Great Olvir his MIGHTY BATTLE AXE!! There is a BEARDLESS FOOL I must cleave for this treachery!
Stumpy
You got it!
(On command, Stumpy hands the Viking his weapon of choice.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
THANK YOU, Stumpy the Lesser-Endowed! When you return to the longboat, you are welcome to use the Great Olvir’s hot tub, and are welcome to all the women who join you!
Stumpy
Thanks a BUNCH, Master! I’ll see you later tonight!
(Delighted, Stumpy runs off to his reward. Olvir, meanwhile, throws the axe over his shoulder and, with his gaze confidently set out before him, walks straight for the exit.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Whoa, Olvir! Where you goin’?!
(Anderson hurries after him, leaving the doctor shaking his head in disbelief. In the now open doorway behind him, we see the two nurses who encounters Olvir’s “greatness” moments ago scamper by like mice.)
(Cut to out front of the hospital. The sliding doors part aside as Olvir steps into the morning sun, battle axe drawn and ready for battle.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
A blood-filled sun rises on the morrow!
VENGEANCE WILL BE HAD!!
(Anderson suddenly runs out after him, and before Olvir can bound down the street swinging wildly at everything in his path, as he’s known to do, Terry stands in his path, causing him to stop.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Olvir, wait up!
Olvir Arsvinnar
Step aside, Son of Ander! I will have the HEAD of Ravager on a pike!
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
You can’t do that!
Olvir Arsvinnar
His offense must not go unpunished!
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Look, I know you want to rip his head off, but listen to me for a sec! I just got off the phone with Jess Chapel. News has spread about the attack on you last night, and it’s got everybody on edge! Chapel heard it through the grapevine too, naturally… and he’s come out and said that the next entrant in this tournament that attacks another will be immediately
DISQUALIFIED from competition!
If you go after Ravager now, then you won’t get your shot at him in the Tournament of Champions, Olvir! If you get yourself thrown out, then who will stop him from winning?
Olvir Arsvinnar
We’ll see if he can win after I rip his ARMS AND LEGS OFF, and SHOVE THEM UP HIS WEAKLING, BEARDLESS ARSE!!
(Enraged, Olvir is continuing to charge forward, but Terry keeps him restrained by pushing both of his arms against the Viking’s impenetrable pectorals and bracing himself.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Olvir, don’t you get it?! He’s just making you walk into another trap!
(Olvir suddenly stops. Anderson sees he’s reaching through to him.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
It’s psychological warfare, Olvir! He’s trying to get under your skin, because he knows you’re his greatest threat! He’s hurting you where it hurts the worst—down to your very Viking Way! He’s tempting you to fight on his level, but Olvir, you’re above that!
THE VIKINGS are above that!
(The Great Olvir thinks this over quietly to himself, stroking his beard.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
Yes… my All-Seeing Eye sees that you are RIGHT, Son of Ander! If I will attain vengeance, I will not do so out of rash anger! My rage must be focused in the ring!
…except that for right NOW, I am BRIMMING ALL OVER with pent up ENERGY!! My Viking anger cannot be CONTAINED, and until it is RELEASED, I cannot think straight!! Either I must immediately DECAPITATE some fool, or FORNICATE some hind!
(Anderson slaps the Viking on the shoulder.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Olvir… we’re at a hospital. And you know what hospitals have?
NURSES!!
(Olvir’s eyes BULGE WILDLY!)
Olvir Arsvinnar
Then COME, Son of Ander! We shall tell these fair maidens to OPEN WIDE and say AAHH!!
(Spinning around, Olvir CHARGES back into the hospital… and Terry Anderson, looking proud to see the spirit of Olvir renewed and back to his animalistic ways, creeps out of the scene with a smile spread over his face.)
(Back in the hospital, a now red-haired nurse pushes a patient down a hallway. The guy looks like he’s been through hell and back, literally covered head to toe in casts and bandages. They suddenly stop when a towering figure appears before them.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
EXCUSE ME, Puny Mummy Man! The Great Olvir’s mouth HUNGERS for this fine lady’s ripe bosoms!
(In an instant, Olvir BOOTS the heavily injured man in the chest, causing the wheelchair to drive WILDLY in reverse!! The patient moans in fright until he finally goes tumbling down an empty elevator shaft. Meanwhile, Olvir quickly plucks the nurse over his shoulder and hurries off with her…)
(…taking her into a supply closet! We briefly cut inside as the Viking sets down his trophy… right in between the blonde and brunette nurses. The nefarious Norseman stands above them, beaming brilliantly as he holds out his loin-area.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
So then, buxom maidens! Is this where I turn my head and COUGH??
=================================
(Back at the parking lot area outside the Cow Palace, where the tailgating fanfest is still happening. A mass autograph session is taking place, and people are lining up down the block to earn an opportunity to briefly meet with their favorite superstar. Everybody looks excited, as the event is only a few hours away…)
(…but the excitement seems apparently dead off in one corner of the parking lot. The mass of fans gathered around the longboat belonging to Olvir Arsvinnar are disheartened to have heard that their hero was attacked and incapacitated in a motel parking lot the night before. Now they stand a silent vigil, waiting for their hero to return.)
(The camera comes upon our favorite silicone-endowed ladies, Tiffany and Britney.)
Tiffany
Like, this SUCKS! What happened to that old guy who was getting us the passes?
Britney
Ohmigawd, Tiffany, I SO have a hangover right now…
(A random fan runs up, pointing down the road. Wait, that’s not just ANY random fan… that’s HAROLD RAMIS, making his bi-annual Olvir cameo!! Hi, Egon!!)
Harold Ramis
LOOK!! IT’S HIM!!
*BONNNGGG!!!*
(The face-melting guitar shredding of Yngwie Malmsteen kicks in over the soundtrack as “I Am A Viking” boldly plays. The gallant-faced Olvir appears triumphantly marching back into the parking lot to his own tune, battle-axe held over his shoulder and gaze fixated on a single destination.)
Britney
OH-EM-GEE, IT’S HIM!!
Tiffany
IT’S OLVIR!!
(The fans unanimously CHEER in awe as their hero return! Olvir stops in place and turns to them, waving them to follow.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
Loyal Olvirnauts!! ASSEMBLE!! March behind your CHAMPION as he goes to deliver a message to the face of the FIEND that tried to stop him!!
(Without delay, Arsvinnar continues on his trek, and the fans, a bit perplexed with his words, tepidly follow after him. In time, he comes upon the line of fans leading up to the autograph tables set up in front of the studio. His bulging pectorals bump the guy standing last in line, who turns around. He looks like you’re typical internet smark.)
Wrestling Snob
Hey, you’re that “Rocky Daymon” guy, aren’t you? Why don’t you actually learn to
SELL A MOVE, and maybe you’d—
*BAM!!*
(In the blink of an eye, the mighty melon-sized FIST of the Butt-Dominator SLAMS into the poor fool’s face, sending him SOARING through the air and landing in a bleeding broken heap not far away! The other fans in line look stunned, but stand like sitting ducks as Olvir EFFORTLESSLY swipes them aside with his trunk-like arms!)
Olvir Arsvinnar
MAKE WAY, Puny Fools!! The Great Olvir has WORDS for your “HERO!”
(The camera looks up the line… and wouldn’t you know? Seated there signing an NAPW-press poster of himself is none other than TEAM’s own Challenge Champion, RAVAGER, still in his suit. He looks up, hearing the commotion coming to him. He glances briefly back at the security guards stationed behind him, knowing he’s under the watchful eye of TEAM officials. But will they be enough to save him?)
(Someone’s grandmother goes FLYING through the air as the Great Olvir continues barging through fan after fan, either steamrolling right over them, brutishly shoving them aside, or scaring them off with a gruff snort. Eventually, he tosses the 15-year-old kid at the front of the line aside, and now standing across the table from the Challenge Champion is OLVIR ARSVINNAR himself!)
Olvir Arsvinnar
RAVAGER!!
The Great Olvir STILL STANDS!!
(Ravager is noticeably troubled at this turn of events.)
Ravager
The… paralysis serum! Nobody could have recovered from that so quickly!
Olvir Arsvinnar
HA!! You are a FOOL to doubt the SUPERIOR IMMUNE SYSTEM of the Great Olvir! How do you think I FORNICATE SO MANY HINDS and not contract a SINGLE DISEASE!?
HAW!!
(With a MIGHTY CHOP of his battle-axe, Olvir EFFORTLESSLY cleaves the fold-up table in two! Ravager hops to his feet, and quickly, the security guards are flanking him!)
Ravager
Lay a single hand on me, Arsvinnar, and these security guards will throw you out before you can even strike a pose!
Olvir Arsvinnar
HMPH!! You think a few WEAKLING GUARDS can save you from my UNSTOPPABLE MIGHT?! You are a FOOL, Ravager… and a COWARD to think you could hide from me behind others!
Just like you were a COWARD last night, when you thought you could incapacitate me!
Know this, beardless Ravager… I could CRUSH YOU where you stand now! But I will OVERCOME your thieving and treacherous ways! I will preserve the sanctity of the VIKING WAY by SMITING you into the arena floor, where our war will be fought!
(A strong cluster of fans are now gathering around this extremely tense confrontation. Everybody’s trying to get a look on what’s going down. Of course, nobody could prove that Ravager was behind last night’s attack… but rumors have a way of getting around. Ravager looks caught off guard, but nevertheless, a smile spreads across his face.)
Ravager
Oh well… I suppose it doesn’t matter. I may have underestimated your strength, but that just leaves me the opportunity to beat you
again in that ring. Just like I did in the
Invitational Tournament, in case you haven’t forgotten.
(A ripple of approving comments come from the fans who do remember this. Ravager seems to have sold the point very well. Nevertheless, Olvir SNEERS and clenches his might fists! Truly, the snarling animal looks as though he could rend the smaller man where he stands!)
Olvir Arsvinnar
You succeeded only because I was unaware of the KNAVE that you truly are! Now I know, Ravager, that you will do
anything to succeed in your own self-serving plans… even if it means trampling the virtues of honor and bravery!
(Ravager shrugs.)
Ravager
Honor? Bravery? They’re overrated, Olvir. I’m in it to win, and I do it my way. You can talk all you want about your “Viking Way”… it doesn’t change the fact that I beat you once before, and it won’t help you this time around when I find away to overcome you again.
(The smile widens on his face.)
Ravager
You want to stop me, Olvir… but all your anger and “rage” just makes me laugh. It shows how predictable you are. You’re the wailing barbarian running full-steam ahead out into the open, charging blindly forward with tunnel-vision.
And me?
I’m the archer lying it wait, taking precise aim. It only takes once shot to take you down, Olvir. So by all means… keep coming.
(Smugly, he lets out a dry chuckle. A lot of his loyal fans nearby chuckle with him. The snob from earlier, now with a face half broken and bruises, pops in once again.)
Wrestling Snob
Heh heh… Ravager just “PWNED” you, dude!
*BAM!!*
(The dirt-sheet junkie FLAILS out of the frame like a rag doll as Olvir’s massive arm pops into his face with crushing force. The Viking’s gaze, however, never leaves the eyes of Ravager. Boldly, he looms over Ravager, showing his excess height. Ravager now gazes back up to him beneath his shadow.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
Then PRAY, puny one, that you don’t MISS your one shot! Because against a target as QUICK and FIERCE as myself, a single mistake will send you straight to the LAND OF THE GLOOMY courtesy of my RAGING STEEL!!
One thousand years ago, the people who followed the Viking Way went on to conquer all of the known lands, and very soon, I will carry on their honor as I conquer the WORLD with my GREATNESS!! You think you get far in life with your foolish knavery… but when you time comes to its end, Ravager, and you stand before the Gods in Valhalla, they will THROW YOU OUT in utter disgrace! It is because you fight for yourself and your own gain, refusing you accept that you are
WEAK and
UNWORTHY of victory!
The Great Olvir’s will to VANQUISH your wretched hide is more than for his own personal vengeance!! I stand for the principles of MIGHT, GLORY, and HONOR!! Your defeat will not only reinstate my stolen PRIDE, but also RID THE EARTH of your villainous ways!
(He leans in close, his mighty beard literally TICKLING Ravager’s chin.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
And KNOW, Puny Ravager, that with your infidelities put to rest at my SAVAGE HAND and you are nothing but a forgotten memory,
I will stand at the helm of this world as it’s
CHAMPION OF CHAMPIONS![/i]
(He reacquires his battle-axe and stands upright, preparing to depart.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
My vengeance will be fulfilled in this arena TONIGHT! Make your peace with the Gods, Ravager, because you won’t have the opportunity to later with my HANDS strangling the life from your broken form!
As for right now… I must deal with some unfinished business with your partner in crime!
(Olvir turns and departs, leaving the stunned Ravager standing amid his band of silenced fans with a smashed table at his feet. He shakes his head in disbelief.)
Ravager
That guy is freaking loopy…
“EL CAJONES ES MALO!!”
*THWOKK!!*
Ravager
OOOFF!!
(Without warning, Ravager DOUBLES OVER and COLLAPSES as a flashy leg of blue, red, and yellow fabric swings in from out frame and CLOCKS him in the nuts! Darting in front of the camera is a MASKED LUCHADORE, identified by the very prominent BEARD that hangs out in the opened lower portion of the mask over his face.)
Bearded Luchadore
EL BEARDO has found justice this day! HOO-HAH!!
(Flamenco guitars strum as the mysterious “El Beardo” runs away, as quick as he came. The identity of this mysterious figure is completely questionable… and sadly, something to think about for another time…)
=================================
(…as we cut to the interior of a motel room. The door comes CRASHING off its hinges, and standing there in the doorway is none other that OLVIR, who storms into the room!)
(It is vacant, looking like the last occupant had left in a hurry. But though they left behind no trace of belongings, the Great Olvir’s all-seeing eye quickly spots a few shreds of paper left in the waste basket. He picks it up in an instant, literally sniffing for clues… and finally finds one, in the form of a train ticket stub!)
(The Great Olvir reads…)
(…and DEPARTS, the information he sought now firmly instilled in his memory.)
=================================
(Later on, at the train station. The 3:15 from San Francisco to Salt Lake City departed just five minutes ago, and is about to leave city proper. We’re on one of the cars, where the train conductor makes his rounds, checking for tickets.)
Train Conductor
Tickets, please…
(He checks on a couple, who show theirs… and finally comes up to the woman sitting at the end of the row.)
Train Conductor
Tickets, please…
(Peeking up from under a wide-brimmed straw hat is none other than ELANTRA.)
Elantra
Oh… I’m afraid I’ve misplaced mine! But is there anything I can do to help you forget about that…?
(The conductor briefly brushes… and then a shrill moment of static crackles in over his walkie-talkie. It’s one of the engineers, and he sounds alarmed. Somebody exclaims something about someone on the tracks. The Train Conductor suddenly forgets about Elantra, heading for the engine…)
(We cut to the engine room, where the two engineers on duty look through the front window, completely SHOCKED by what they see! The door behind them slides open, and the conductor steps in.)
Train Conductor
What’s going on?
Engineer
There’s… somebody on the tracks!
Train Conductor
WHAT?!
Engineer
It looks like a VIKING!!
(Perplexed, the conductor looks out… and his eyes nearly POP OUT of his head!)
(Standing TRIUMPHANTLY there on the tracks is the GREAT OLVIR, chest puffed out and bracing for impact!)
Train Conductor
Oh buddy, HANG ON TIGHT!!
Olvir Arsvinnar
FOOLISH CHOO-CHOO CHOAD-LICKERS!! NOTHING can stand up to the GREAT OLVIR’S IMPENETRABLE PECTORALS!!
*BAMM!!!*
(The sound of metal SCREECHING LOUDLY fills the air, and the passengers are suddenly SCREAMING in alarm as the entire train SHAKES VIOLENTLY!! Elantra, in her seat, has no idea what’s going on!)
(We cut back outside, where Olvir stands BOLDLY with his chest pressed forward and his heels digging into the dirt, the powerful train slowing to a STANDSTILL against his irresistible chest muscles!! When the entire locomotive has come to a stop, the Viking steps back and merely wipes the grease from his chest, as though this nearly superhuman act were commonplace.)
(Meanwhile, several confused passengers are disembarking, all questioning what caused the train to suddenly stop. Elantra is among them, tentatively approaching the front of the train… when she suddenly sees the tell-tale horns above the throng of other passengers, making bee-line right toward her.)
Elantra
Oh NO…! Not HIM!!!
Olvir Arsvinnar
COME, Odiferous Wench!! I have yet to fulfill my PROMISE to you!!
(Before she can turn to get away, the Great Olvir SEIZES her in his might arms and quickly sets her upon his shoulder!! Try as she might to squirm free, he keeps her held tight, a proud SMILE spread across his bearded face!)
Elantra
Wait a second, you can’t do this!
Olvir Arsvinnar
Come now, Lusty WHORE!! You DID doubt the POTENCY of the Great Olvir’s much exalted LOINS!! And I cannot have you going around spreading an unfavorable and UNTRUE reputation!!
Elantra
Wait, no!! Let’s make a deal here!!
(Olvir comes to the end of the train, and suddenly gets an idea.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
I believe I shall fornicate you in the caboose… IN THE CABOOSE!!
Elantra
In there?! But—HEY!!
(Before she can resist further, Olvir TEARS THE DOOR OFF the back of the last train car and hops inside, taking his bounty with him…)
(We hear the tell-tale sign of his furry britches being slide down his might legs, and then…)
*KABAMM~~!!!!*
(Like a ROCKET, Elantra comes SUPERMANNING out of the caboose—)
(—sailing gracefully by the window of a hospital room, where we see three nurses excitedly talking about the SIZE of it—)
(—flying with ease across the motel parking lot, where Terry “The Idol” Anderson gazes on in amazement, exiting a phone booth with a strange briefcase in his hand—)
(—soaring with avian splendor across the tailgating fanfest, over the heads of Ravager and his fans, and the security guards who hand him an ice-pack for his wounded groin region—)
(—through the mistral void leading to Valhalla, where Odin, Thor, Tyr, and Freya are currently caught up in a game of strip poker, that the Goddess of Love is noticeably losing—)
(—and finally RIGHT ON TOP OF the proud longboat of the Butt-Dominator, landing with a SPLASH into the hot tub currently occupied by two dwarves, one of whom happens to be Stumpy. The midget looks happily at the stunned woman with smoke rising out of her ass that just happened to drop in his lap.)
Stumpy
Hey man… you know what I love about this job?
(Go to black. THE END!)
