BEING the Monster
(CUE UP: “All Shall Fall” by Immortal.)
(From the void emerges the terrifying sound of pain human screams, coupled with the sound of very inhuman laughter.)
(FADE IN: On the Baron of Brutality, MAGNUS DESTRUCTO, in all of his para-demonic grandeur, cackling before the camera, a blazing fire-light glowing up from below. His red eyes seem fixated in sadistic appeal of whatever he sees down below in that fire. Not surprisingly, that seems to be where the screaming is coming from.)
BURN!! BURN, YOU WORTHLESS WRETCH!!
(More screams, hinting at even deeper agony and a forlorn conclusion of death. He motions to somebody off camera.)
OKAY, GOLLOMACH... THE ROAST IS READY!! PULL HIM UP!!
(The camera pans over for a moment to reveal an obese servant in a long black rubber suit and a murder mask, pulling down on a chain leading somewhere into the ceiling. He looks like a fat Bane.)
By your will, Sire...
(The shot drifts back over to the Dreaded Devourer, grinning with predatory delight as a flaming skeleton wearing the crisped remains of a striped referee’s uniform is chain-lifted out of a pit of fire at the Baron’s feet. Or, you know... a flaming prop skeleton, for you people who need that real-world continuity, or whatever. Magnus gives the charred human remains a solid kick with his monster-sized boot.)
SUFFER, YOU VILE SWINE!! SUFFER... FOR THE ATROCITIES YOU HAVE COMMITTED AGAINST THE BARON OF BRUTALITY!! WERE IT NOT FOR YOU, I WOULD BE CHAMPION OF THE ENTIRE INTER-GALAXY!!
Actually, Sire... we couldn’t find that exact ring official.
(His head zips back and forth between his corpulent servant and the flaming sack of bones and zebra stripes hanging off of a metal hook.)
...THEN WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?!
If I recall... one of the replacement officials from the National Football League.
(Destructo ponders for a beat... and KICKS the charred corpse a second time.)
ASSHOLE!! YOU COST ME A FORTUNE IN WEEK THREE!!
(At this point, Destructo’s other, smaller servant, DULAK THE DEFILED, creeps into the shot, cringing in the shadow of the raging monstrosity that is the lord of the barony.)
Dulak the Defiled
Pardon my interruption, your inglorious excellency...
WHAT IS IT, YOU SCRAWNY CRACK-STAIN?! CAN’T YOU SEE I’M IN THE MIDDLE OF IMPORTANT BARONY-RULING BUSINESS!!
Dulak the Defiled
My humblest of apologies, your lordship... but you had previously tasked me to promptly inform you upon word received from your next doomed foe.
OH, JESUS CHRIST CRUCIFIED UPSIDE DOWN... THIS OUGHTA BE FUCKING RICH!!
(Destructo and his entourage exit the scene and we fade to black.)
(FADE IN: Within the throne room of the Keep of Eternal Darkness. The lights are dimmed, and over the sound of a running projector, we can hear the confident voice of the juggernaut out of jOlt known as Sylo. The shot opens on Dulak and Gollomach standing off to the side of the throne, the two exchanging a worried glance at one point, as if they were expecting something bad to happen. The camera pans over to the throne itself, where sits the Baron, head resting against a set of knuckles while the other hand impatiently taps the arm of his macabre seat.)
“...but at the end, as you look up at the hot lights burning your eyes, the blood cascading from various wounds inflicted on your body, that’s the moment you’ll realize that I haven’t threatened you, that I haven’t tried to incite fear nor have I tried to intimidate you.
“I’ve simply educated you. Until next time, class is dismissed.”
(As the footage ends, Magnus Destructo snorts in a way that makes you think of Jim Hellwig with an eight ball, but even then, you can hear a derisive tone in it. Standing up off the throne, he centers himself in front of the camera and begins shouting at the top of his lungs.)
SYLO... BARN... WHATEVER THE FUCK YOUR NAME IS... LET’S GET SOMETHING PERFECTLY STRAIGHT RIGHT HERE AND NOW... WE AREN’T WALKING INTO SOME GODDAMN CLASSROOM, YOU FUCKING NERD... WE’RE STEPPING INTO THE RING OF DEATH!!
I’M NOT HERE TO ARGUE SEMANTICS WITH YOU... I’M JUST COMING TO KICK YOUR HEAD IN SO HARD THAT YOU SHIT OUT YOUR OWN FACE, AND MOVE ON TO CLAIM THE INTERGALACTIC CHAMPIONSHIP THAT SHOULD ALREADY BE MINE BY RIGHT OF CONQUEST!!
I MEAN, ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?! AFTER ALL THIS TIME WE’VE HAD TO SUFFER WATCHING YOU BE A PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BITCH TRYING TO FISH FOR MY ATTENTION RATHER THAN JUST CHALLENGING ME LIKE A FUCKING MAN, YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT WHO BETTER DEFINES YOUR IDEA OF A “MONSTER”!?!
DOES BEING AN ORPHAN MAKES YOU A MONSTER?! MY MOTHER WAS NEARLY RIPPED IN HALF AT CHILDBIRTH, AND MY FATHER CHOKED TO DEATH ON A BABY BACK RIB BONE, THAT WAS MADE FROM AN ACTUAL BABY’S BACK!! SOUNDS TO ME LIKE A FIT YOUR DEFINITION, YOU DUMB, FAT FUCK!!
AND IF I’M NOT A MONSTER, THEN TELL ME... WHAT WORD DO YOU APPLY TO A MAN WHO JUST BURSTS INTO INTERGALACTIC CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING LIKE A SEVEN-FOOT TALL HURRICANE OF DEATH AND DESTRUCTION AND UTTERLY DOMINATES THREE OTHER TOP WARRIORS OVER THE COURSE OF TWO MATCHES?!
DO YOU REALLY THINK ANYTHING WAS FAKE OR PHONY ABOUT THAT!? MAYBE YOU CAN ASK JACK-OFF HARMEN OR MISTER REDONKULOUS, WHEN EITHER ONE OF THEM GETS FINISHED PUTTING HIS JAW BACK INTO PLACE!!
TO EDUCATE YOU
ON WHY THEY CALL ME THE KING OF ALL MONSTERS...
(He glances over to Dulak, who is handling the controls to the DestructoTron. Magnus gestures to the screen as a slideshow recapping his stint a couple years back in Next Level Wrestling’s 2010 King of All Monsters Grand Prix. In the first shot, he has “the Polish War Machine” Hans Nowak wrangled into a complex submission hold, and the barrel-chested European powerhouse is in the midst of tapping. The agony on his face is juxtaposed with the sadistic glee that can be seen on the Baron’s painted face.)
SOME YEARS AGO, AS I WAS JUST IN THE BEGINNING STAGES OF CONQUERING THIS INFERNAL PLANET, I DID SOME WORK FOR A PROMOTION UP IN NEW YORK CITY... BECAUSE LET’S FACE IT, BUILDING AN INCINERATING DEATH RAY ISN’T GOING TO JUST FINANCE ITSELF!!
(The next frame shows Magnus lifting Zesty Mordant up onto his shoulders in preparation for the Destructo-Bomb. The feat seems rather remarkable, given the two-hundred and eight plus size of the wrestling hobo in the midst of having his head drilled into the canvas. Destructo seems to lift the man with ease.)
ONE OF THIS PROMOTION’S EARLIEST EVENTS WAS DUBBED “KING OF ALL MONSTERS GRAND PRIX
”... A BIG CLUSTERFUCK TOURNAMENT COMPOSED OF MOSTLY OF FAT-ASSES, MONGOLOIDS, OTHER BIG MAN CLONES LIKE YOU, AND ONE GIANT NIGHTMARE OF A MAN WHO WAS KICKING THE SHIT OUT OF EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE THEY PUT WITH HIM IN THE RING!!
(The next slide shows him pinning the Japanese brutalizer Yutaka Maeda to the mat in the tournament’s final round. After three matches, Destructo appears to be bleeding and blind... but the look of hungering rage is still there in his expression as he scores the win.)
NATURALLY, I DOMINATED ONE FAT SACK OF SHIT AFTER THE NEXT... LIKE A FUCKING BLACK METAL GODZILLA, STEPPING UP AND SHOWING ALL THE OTHER GIANTS ON THE PLANET THAT THE DREADED DEVOURER
WAS THE BIGGEST AND BADDEST OF THEM ALL!!
(The last shot shows Magnus Destructo on the second turnbuckle, hoisting up the NLW Openweight Championship of the World.)
NOT JUST A MONSTER, TRUE, FAKE OR OTHERWISE... BUT A MOTHERFUCKING KING
OF MONSTERS!! THE UNDISPUTED TOP OF THE PILE!!
(He glances off camera and draws a thumb across his neck. A moment later, the lights come up, and the DestructoTron slides into the ceiling. The Baron of Brutality now occupies every last square inch of our undivided attention, and so much more.)
YOU LIKE TO ACT LIKE YOU’RE SMARTER, BUT DON’T ASSUME I DON’T KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT ALL THIS SHIT IS ABOUT!! YOU SEE A MAN LIKE ME, WHO IS JUST AS PHYSICALLY BIG AND DOMINANT AS YOU ARE... AND YET, I’M THE ONE WHO GOES INTO THE RING AND MAKES THE IMPACT A FUCKING SEVEN FOOT MONSTER SHOULD MAKE!! MEANWHILE, YOU’RE GETTING YOUR ASS HANDED TO YOU BY MASKED MIDGETS IN MATCHES THAT CLEARLY FAVOR LANKY-ASS PUNKS LIKE YOU!!
AND IT PISSES YOU OFF, BECAUSE YOU HEAR THE SHOUTING, AND THE BLACK METAL, AND OVER-THE-TOP BRUTALITY, AND YOU THINK YOU’RE SOMEHOW ABOVE ALL THAT... LIKE PEOPLE SHOULD BE APPRECIATING YOU INSTEAD, BECAUSE YOU LIKE TO PRETEND TO BE INTELLECTUALLY SUPERIOR TO EVERYBODY!! YOU JUST AS SIMPLY ASSUME THAT ALL THE HYPE MAGNUS DESTRUCTO GETS IS FOCUSED ON THE STYLE, RATHER THAN THE SUBSTANCE!!
WHICH IS WHY ALL YOU CAN DO IS KNOCK THE NICKNAME, AND KNOCK THE STYLE... SINCE THERE’S OBVIOUSLY NOTHING YOU CAN POSSIBLY KNOCK WHEN IT COMES TO MY MONSTROUS PRESENCE IN THE RING!!
BUT BEHIND ALL THE BULLSHIT, THE SIMPLE TRUTH IS THAT THE TITLE OF “KING OF ALL MONSTERS” IS JUST
A NICKNAME!! JUST SOMETHING FOR THE MEDIA TO THROW OUT THERE TO GET MORE IDIOT FANS IN THE SEATS!! IT DOESN’T DEFINE ME... BECAUSE, QUITE FRANKLY, THERE ARE NO WORDS
TO DEFINE THE MASSACRE I’M GOING TO BRING TO YOU IN BETWEEN THOSE ROPES!!
AM I “TRUE” MONSTER OR A “FAKE” ONE!? WOULD IT MAKE ME MORE OF A MONSTER IF I WAS ACTING LIKE YOU, AND MOPING AROUND THE TOMBS OF MY PARENTS IN THE DESTRUCTO ROYAL CRYPTS LIKE SOME WIMPY, POETIC PUSSY?!
FRANKLY, CHICKEN COOP, I DON’T GIVE A FUCK... ALL I KNOW IS THAT MY MONSTER-SIZED BOOT IS COMING FOR YOUR FUCKING FACE!! WILL IT MATTER THEN WHICH OF THE FIVE DEFINITIONS OF MONSTER I FIT INTO?!
SPEAKING OF WHICH, NOT TO SHINE LIGHT ON THE FACT THAT YOU ARE A FUCKING MORON WHOSE PARENTS WERE PROBABLY BROTHER AND SISTER... BUT I THINK THE TERM “MONSTER” CAN BE APPLIED TO A LOT MORE THAN FIVE THINGS!!
LIKE, AN ENERGY DRINK...
OR A JOB SEARCH ENGINE...
OR A TYPE OF TRUCK...
OR A VARIETY OF INDOOR MINIATURE GOLF...
OR A CARTOON BASKETBALL PLAYER SLAMMING DUNKS FOR THE SOULS OF MICHAEL JORDAN AND THE CAST FROM LOONEY TUNES!!
(Dulak the Defiled timidly enters the shot at this point.)
Dualk the Defiled
Actually, master... I believe in the motion picture Space Jam, they are more specifically referred to as Mon-STARS...
(BAM!! Magnus decks his servant with an angry, punishing right hand.)
SEE WHAT HAPPENED THERE, PIG TROUGH?! HE TRIED TO EDUCATE ME... AND I EDUCATED HIM BACK, MY WAY!! NOW HE KNOWS NOT TO DO IT AGAIN, AS YOU WILL KNOW YOURSELF WHEN I AM THROUGH EDUCATING YOU AT “V FOR VICTORALICIOUS”!!
IF YOU WANT TO EDUCATE ME ON SOMETHING, PERHAPS YOU CAN EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT THE FUCK THIS “MONSTER’S BALL” THING IS SUPPOSED TO BE!! AM I EXPECTED TO BE A BILLY BOB TO YOUR HALLE BERRY, OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT?! DON’T GET ME WRONG, I FULLY INTEND TO DESTROY YOUR ASS, JUST NOT IN THAT
AND LET’S BE CLEAR HERE... I’M ONLY REACHING THIS CONCLUSION BECAUSE YOU YOURSELF SEEM TO BE EDUCATED ON THE SOUNDS A MAN MAKES WHILE HE’S CHOKING DOWN A LOAD!! IF THAT’S YOUR SHIT, THEN I COULD HONESTLY GIVE A FUCK... THE BARONY OF DESTRUCTO RESPECTS ALL FAGGOTS, AND IF THERE’S ONE THING I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT TOLERATE, IT’S INTOLERANCE... BUT KEEP YOUR DICK THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME, MAN!! I’M NOT HERE TO MAKE YOU FEEEHLL GUUUUDD
(Chiming in from behind him, and very much outside of the Baron’s destructive reach, Gollomach chirps in.)
If I may suggest my humble council, sire... I believe in a Monster’s Ball match, the use of weapons and foreign objects is allowed, and even encouraged.
(Magnus looks back over his shoulder, looking absolutely stunned.)
...ARE YOU FOR FUCKING REAL?!
(Gollomach only nods as confirmation. Destructo’s eyes light up as his mind suddenly runs a million potential visions of apocalypse in a matter of seconds. He abruptly snaps his finger... and a moment later, Dulak comes back into the frame, still rubbing the painful welt on his face as he hands the Baron his massive and malicious looking morning star. He seizes it with evil to delight... and BAM!!, knocks Dulak out of the frame once again, seemingly for the hell of it. A bestial grin overtakes the Dreaded Devourer’s face as he brandishes the spiked club before the camera.)
WELL, THAT JUST MADE THINGS A WHOLE HELL OF A LOT MORE INTERESTING!! AS IF YOU WEREN’T ALREADY FUCKED BY INVOKING YOUR WRATH... NOW YOU’RE PUTTING THE MIGHT OF THE DESTRUCTO RIGHT INTO MY HANDS!!
BUT THIS ISN’T A PISSING MATCH FOR ME, COMPOST HEAP... I’M NOT TRYING TO PROVE THAT I’M THE BIGGER, BETTER MONSTER... BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW THAT I AM!!
ALL I’M GOING TO PROVE WHEN I GET INTO THAT RING AND BLUDGEON YOU TO A PULP IS THAT I AM THE UNDISPUTED AND UNSTOPPABLE ONE, TRUE CHAMPIONSHIP
OF THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE!!
ALL YOU CAN POSSIBLY DO IS KNEEL
BEFORE THE BARON AND BEG FOR A QUICK DEATH, OR SUFFER A SLOW AND AGONIZING OBLIVION AS I DEVOUR YOU ALIVE!!!
(Winding up like a baseball player, the Baron of Brutality swings his great spike club into the camera. A second of static upon impact immediately gives way to black.)