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Calamity Jon

League Member
Jan 1, 2000
(FADEIN to the opulently appointed penthouse apartment of HELLMACHINE, towards the back in the darkened, mahogany-paneled and burgundy-carpeted office of DOC MARTENA MARTENS. She looks exhausted, haggard, even in her flowing silk Chinese dress and immaculate sable-black hair. She rests her hands on the NFW World Tag Titles, which lay on her desk. In the office chairs facing the enormous desk sit team frontman CALAMITY - shirtless and his chest showing a dozen scratches and cuts, a bandage over his temple, and another over an eye which clearly is swollen beyond belief - and "BIG IN JAPAN" SEAN TOOMBS - wearing a leather jacket over his burgundy overalls, his head and face freshly shaved bald, making the fresh and still bloody scars on his forehead all the more prominent. Both men look as serious as cancer ...)

Doc: "Even though it was essential to my plans, it made me uneasy. BECOMING the champions, that is where the challenge lay, that is where opportunity lay, that was the seeding and the harvesting of the crop. BEING Champions was taking the harvest to market, it was commerce, and the sowing of our efforts, and in that sowing there was always the threat of complacence. My father told me this so often, and yet I failed to learn, but it is in ACQUISITION that we grow, in POSSESSING that we grow soft."

Calamity: "How you mean SOFT? That we're still WALKING after Impact says a lot ..."

Doc: "You KNOW this never would have happened a year ago, or in Japan, or anywhere before now. There was a time where WE decided what was brought, where we set the limits. Now we're finding it brought to us. It catches us unawares, and makes us targets when we once were the arrows in flight."

(Calamity and Toombs say nothing, but sit in rapt attention, like hounds waiting for a master's command)

Doc: (leans against the desk, practically falling against it as her arms and back go perceptibly slackened) "Oh my darling boys, it's not your fault. _I_ am the one who drives the machine. I failed you. Storm moves in a silent way, as breezy and imperceptible as Windy's name implies, their way is subtle and slips between the groans of Hellmachine's cogs and axles. The Powells are trained apes, and have the surprising and sudden wit of beasts as they monkeywrenched our gears, sputtered our engine and caught us in an idle moment. And now, dare I say that a lovely and devious, a GREATER mind than my own, for some reason turns an eye upon us? I would do you a disservice if I lied to you now, my Hellmachine, I have great reason to be deeply concerned."

Toombs: "You talk like you've forgotten who we are."

Calamity: "What are we now, Doc, strangers to you? We're HELLMACHINE, we're SEVEN YEARS of tearing the pavement under our treads, of tearing the earth under our cleats, and tearing Hell itself to floating ash with our bare feet! Do you think we're letting this go unanswered? Do you think we're walking into the next HOUR, much less the next match, with our heads covered and praying to be spared a beating?"

Doc: (breathes deeply, then sighs, her head rolling to the side and staring at the wall) "Can we beat them, my sweet ones, that is all I want to know. Are we Hellmachine, are we the RIGHTFUL Champions, in deed and name?"

Calamity: "Check my birth certificate. Under 'Father's Name' it says "Mr Alan P NF'nW TAG TEAM CHAMPION OF THE WORLD."

Doc: "Give me hope, my darling boys, tell me why we will do this thing. Will it be for revenge?"

Toombs: "I don't know from revenge. Revenge is a word to describe an autonomic reaction, and instinctive urge to strike back when struck. Revenge is how fish get caught on a hook. I got no use for it."

Doc: "For honor, then, boys? Do we do this for honor?"

Calamity: "I met Honor once, passed her by a flickering street lamp on a steamy midnight by the docks. I pulled her into a dirty alley and (BLEEP)ed her against the wall. I lied about calling her, and left her, laughing, for the dock workers to find."

Doc: (smiling now, strangely delirious, her head rolling back slightly) "For respect, of course, we do this for respect?"

Toombs: "Respect, my mom's people, the Maori, had respect for the animals they had to kill to survive. They'd hunt it, panicked into the reeds, rush it against the cliff walls by the ocean and kill it with sharpened stones and sticks, with knives and rocks, then they'd cut it open and tear it from sinew and bone. And all the respect they gave the beast never brought it back to life."

Doc: (her voice is ghostly now, and trills slightly) "Then tell me why we will do this thing, my DARLING boys ..."

Calamity: (standing, lifting himself from his chair and leaving his hands on the armrest) "Because ... we are the bastard children of Big Chaos, the screaming and shrieking offspring of a swirling vortex of steamy violence. Because when momma smiles at us, it's an atomic explosion ripping molecules to free atoms and turning sand to glass. When poppa pats our heads and tells us we been good, it's thunder rolling across an ocean as a hundred-foot high wall of water that rips a coastline to shredded paper. We're the young lords of misrule, anarchy is our candy, lawlessness our sweet draughts of syrup. WE'RE HELLMACHINE, and we'll (BLEEP) YOU UP because we THINK IT'S FUNNY! We were WEANED on BARBED WIRE, cut our TEETH on C-4, and nestled our nappy heads EVERY NIGHT in a CAGE for a CRIB! We were BORN to BRING RUIN, to bear MISHAP and TRAGEDY on our backs! Our opponents are KINGS OF WOE, and like the fine and respectful men we are, we lay at their feet the tribute they deserve - TRIAL, TRIBULATION and the VISITATION of CATASTROPHE! We are HELLMACHINE, and we were BORN to FIGHT DINOSAURS until we DIE or JESUS COMES BACK! We're! THAT! BADASS!!"

Toombs: (standing suddenly) "I am the BIG MAN of BEDLAM."

Calamity: "I'm the BOSS OF CHAOS, and against us, all you can do is TRY! TO! SURVIVE! - SOMEHOW!" (Calamity cuts a vicious Double Dukestacy, then stands, panting, smiling, staring at Doc. Toombs has his arms crossed and stares grimly at his partner)

Doc: (pauses, still leaning against the desk, then sits bolt upright like a striking cobra, her eyes gleam maliciously) "Perfect, my delicate sweets, you NEVER let your Martena down, do you?"

Calamity: "Not as long as she takes care of us. We're Hellmachine. Let's destroy lots of SH(BLEEP) just for the hell of it, then whizz on the smoldering ruins, deal?"

Toombs: "You know it's a deal, I've been whizzing on the smoldering ruins while you've been talking."

Doc: (smiling, she's shutting the door and blocking out the camera as she shakes her head appreciatively) "Ah, my boys ..."

(FTB on the office door ...)

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