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Who will be chopped


League Member
Feb 21, 2015
“Al, wake up,” Austen stands over the sleeping Al Envy who is mumbling in his sleep, “WAKE UP!” Austen smacks Al in the head twice, and Al starts to move a little, “GET YOUR ASS UP!”

Al finally opens his eyes, seeing Austen stand over him with a confused look on his face. Al instantly rubs his chest, and then grabs his crotch.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Austen finally asks, arms crossed, and eyebrows furrowed.

“What do you mean?” Al asks, knowing full well that Austen had heard a bit of his dream.

“You said I love you Austen, that’s fucking weird.” Austen replied, backing away.

“It’s the pills, I’ve got to stop taking them. They are fucking with my head. Memories get fuzzy, I have these weird ass dreams. I need to stop them altogether.” Al replies, wiping the sweat off his face.

“Maybe you should lay off then. That’s like your 20th today.”

“I know man, I know I should.” Al shrugs Austen off, and sits up in bed. Austen had been watching the food network.

“What the hell is this shit.” Al asks, looking at the TV annoyed, “There has got to be some spring training game on or something?”

“This is CHOPPED. My wife and I watch it all the time, it’s great. It’s a competition to make the best food based on ingredients you are unaware of until the timer starts.” Austen replies, settling back into the couch, putting on his reading glasses, and reading up on his opponents on his laptop.

“So it’s like...a competition?” Al asks.

“That’s exactly what it is.” Austen replies without looking up.

“Well damn, this might be intriguing, who are we cheering for?” Al asks, settling into the bed, relaxing.

“Well, Chef Salazar on the left made a bad ass dish out of Licorice rope, baking cocoa, bullhead fillets, and Coconut milk.”

“WHAT? How in the fuck is that even possible.” Al looks at Austen, hands on his head in astonishment.

“I’m telling you, this is an amazing show man.” Austen looks up to watch the action.

Al and Austen sit in silence for a minute, watching the drama unfold on the TV. The TV flashes to the countdown clock, which shows two minutes left.

“What the hell is Salazar doing. He doesn’t have his Pig Brain fully cooked yet. WHAT THE HELL SALAZAR? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?”

“I KNOW? SALAZAR, COOK YOU FAT HAIRY BASTARD!” Austen yells, flailing his arms at the TV.

The TV shows chef Salazar pull his Pig Brain off the burner as the clock hits 45 seconds.


Salazar slices and begins plating his culinary explosion.

Al and Austen both count down in unison “10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2…”

The TV cuts to commercial.

“OH WHAT THE HELL!” Al yells, flinging the remote at the tv, shattering the screen.


“FUCK,” Al pulls out his pills and pops a handful.

“I thought you were laying off those.” Austen nods towards the pill bottle in Al’s hands.

“Lay off bitch, I’m starving.” Al growls back, downing the pills with no water.

“Damn, no lube, I...uh...nevermind,” Austen quickly recalls the happenings earlier, and silences.

“What?” Al asks, looking at Austen confused.

“Nothing, don’t worry about it.” Austen replies, trying to reassure Al.

“No what were you going to say?” Al asks.

“Don’t worry about it, I support you, no matter your lifestyle.” Austen replies.

“Huh...oh...OH...NO...NO NO NO NO NO...I...I AM NOT...AT ALL...GAY.” Al replies, standing up adamantly, waiving his arms.

“Well what was that...earlier?” Austen asks, not buying Al’s response.

“It was a fucked up pill dream man. I swear to you. It fucked me up bad.”

“Well why were you saying my name?” Austen asked, still not certain.

“Because I’m in a fucking room with you. So for some reason I thought about you, and my brain did the rest.”

“Oh, well your brain is fucked the fuck up.” Austen replies.

“Oh, trust me, if you only knew.” Al replies, tapping his temple.

Austen goes back to his research on his computer, reading about his competitors, and watching video. None of that really prepares too much for a match as cluttered as Battlemania, but you need to know weaknesses and strengths.

“You know, I’ve now been in two gimicky, clusterfuck matches since my return Al,” Austen says, looking over at Envy, who is passed out on the bed.

“Al?” Austen says, looking over, noticing his eyes closed.

“Nevermind.” Austen goes back to his studying.

A short time later, Al sits up.

“You alright Al?” Austen asks.

“Yup, just gotta cook.” Al says, walking to the bathroom, and running the bath water.

“Cook?” Austen asks, look of confusion flowing over his face.

“Yeah, don’t want to lose chopped.” Al hollers from the bathroom.

Austen purses his lips, contemplating his next action, but decides to let Al have his fun.

Al fills the bathtub with hot water, goes over to the bathroom counter, and grabs the bag of coffee stir sticks, and drops them into the bathtub, and starts swirling the water with his hand.

“What ya makin?” Austen Hollers.

“Well, Ted, I’m making a butter noodle, with red wine reduction, and a side of squash.”

“Well good luck to you chef.” Austen hollers, chuckling at Al’s stupor.

Austen continues studying, and hears a splash.

“GOD DAMMIT” Al yells, “What the fuck was I doing filling the god damn bath tub?” Al hollers.

“You were making butter noodles with red wine reduction with a side of squash.”

“What the fuck?” Al says, drying off and walking back towards the room.

“You thought you were on chopped.”

“Jesus Christ.” Al shakes his head sitting down, “I must just get retarded on these pills.” Al says, completely confused.

“What is your strategy for Battlemania?” Austen asks, trying to take Al’s mind away from his recent stupidity.

“I was thinking I may go out there and win.” Al responds cockily.

“Hey, we should align ourselves together until it’s just us, then we can fight it out like two men in the middle of the ring.” Austen replies.

“That could work, we gotta make sure not to let each other get split off by someone else. Keep focused on the same guy, someone cuts in, the other breaks away and helps out. We just have to be smart.”

“Alright man, we got this, let’s get some shut eye, we can work out tomorrow.”

Austen reaches over and turns out the light, as both men head to bed.

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