Wrestlestock 2: TV TITLE ROYALE!

jediPREZ · Apr 19, 2008

RP LIMITS: None.

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STIPULATION: RANDOM RUMBLE RULES *MIDGET ENTRY AMENDED*

The Random Rumble was first conceived by the UWA back in the early 90's and naturally carried over through the traditions of time into NFW due to the managerial crossover. There are three ways to be eliminated.

Pinfall
Submission
Thrown over the top rope and to the floor
SPECIAL MIDGET RULE: Midgets can be eliminated via pinfall or submission, but top rope eliminations don't apply to them, but BOTTOM rope eliminations do. Therefore, Dirk Dickwood can eliminate a fellow wrestler by rolling him under the bottom of the rope to the floor and vice-versa.

There will be 25 participants in this Random Rumble starting off with two competitors. Every two minutes a bell will ring, bringing a new competitor to the ring. The MAXIMUM amount of wrestlers in the ring at ONE time is EIGHT MEN.

The LAST REMAINING WRESTLER will become the NEW TELEVISION CHAMPION, unless Joe the Plumber is that man...therefore RETAINING his title.

ORDER OF PARTICIPANTS:

The British Bomber
Cousin Vinny
Impulse
Matt Johannson
Evil James
Torch
IROC
Brian Duncan
I Eat Plumbers
Lord Coyner Pollard
Andy Murray
Cameron Cruise
Hunchblack
Steve Knox
Phil Atken
Joe the Plumber (TELEVISION CHAMPION)
Mary-Lynn Mayweather
Eric Thompson
Dirk Dickwood
Sars the Clown II
The Unknown Soldier
A.D.D.
Uganda
almasyDEATH
?????

RP GUIDELINES/WESTPREZ 'TIPS':

Alot of people are going to always tell you its about QUALITY over QUANTITY, but I don't believe in that anymore. Everything is subjective when it comes to the different styles of writing in this hobby. One person is going to think Angelo Deville is more amazing than Eddie Mayfield, while someone else is going to think that Troy Windham should crush Jason Snow.

Therefore, I'm going to cut out all the BS and tell you what I inherently like to see when reading a roleplay (in no order):

ENTERTAINMENT VALUE: Originality, storyline intrigue, trash-talk skills -- to me this is all wrapped up into how much entertainment I get out of reading anyone's piece of writing. If someone's storyline piece is better than someone else's trash-talk, that's all that matters in the end...and vice-versa. Too many RPs also cheapen someone's value.

LEAGUE PROMOTION: This is NFW. If your wrestler doesn't understand what it means to step into our ring, they will not do well.

FORMAT/GRAMMAR: Narrative, Script -- this is not as important to me as how clean you've presented your product. Examples of this would be: I can't visually get into your writing because I'm confused by how your opening a scene or feel a sentence is flat due to an obvious spelling error. I also hate EXTRA LONG RPs. Please break them up into 2-3 different ones spread out.

I think this is a good basis for how I look at everything. Its not 100% my bible on anything, but I hope it does shed light on what I'm looking for when I read roleplays.

CuseTroy · Apr 19, 2008

Go West! Like, the Whole Length of the Country

FADE IN...

The cameras pick up the scene as a black SUV pulls in to the parking lot of the Tsongas Arena in Lowell, MA. Out of the parked car comes the 6'4" frame of the man who called NFW headquarters and requested the camera crew, Matt Johansson. Matt points the cameraman and producer to the door, and the shot follows him there. The producer hands Matt a microphone, and the former amateur hockey standout stands in front of the building's cement facade.

Oh, and by the way, the camera shakes violently from time to time as the cameraman tries to contain jags of laughter. Thought you might want to know that.

MJ: Ladies and gentlemen, be loud, be proud, because the time has finally arrived!

Matt Johansson has -- at long, long last -- made his way back to the New Frontier, and I will, without a doubt, do what I promised to do three years ago and take the NFW North by storm on my way to the Ultratitle!

Because folks, quite simply, there's not a man, woman, or genetically enhanced cyborg that can--

...

...

What the hell are you laughing at?

PRODUCER: Umm, Matt?

MJ: Yeah?

P: The NFW North? It kinda doesn't exist anymore.

MJ: You're joking.

P: Nope. And the Ultratitle? They're done with that, too. They actually sorta did it twice, and you still didn't show up.

MJ: They gave out the Ultratitle without me?!?!?!

P: Pretty much, yeah.

Matt buries his head in his hands, mumbles for a moment, and looks to the sky as somehow, we get an overhead camera shot that's eerily familiar.

MJ: KHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!

CAMERAMAN: Dude. What the hell was that?

MJ: Nothing! I didn't hear anything! Did you hear anything?

C: Yeah.

MJ: Quiet you! So, the Ultratitle's out of the question, and so is the NFW North. What can I win, then?

P: Well. your agent called us to enter you in the TV Title Royale for Wrestlestock 2, so I'm guessing you can win that from the champion, Joe the Plumber.

MJ: My plumber Joe is the NFW Television Champion?

P: Well, probably not, no. You see -- screw it, it's kind of a long story. But, nobody's been able to beat him for a whole year. so they put out an open call.

MJ: Okay then. Starting from scratch...

...

Ladies and gentleman, be loud, be proud, because at Wrestlestock 2, you will bear witness to the crowning of a brand new NFW TV champion!

I don't exactly now how Joe DiFilippo, my plumber from Long Island, became a wrestling champion, but I've seen the guy and he's like 47 years old, 5'9" and 275 pounds of greasy blubber, so this probably won't be a problem.

Joe, and whatever other weirdos have been assembled for this little BATTEL ROYALE~!, I guarantee that when Wrestlestock 2 comes around, I will walk out of the Tsongas Arena here in Lowell, Massachusetts as the brand spanking new Undisputed --

...

...

What's with all the f**king laughing?

C: Dude, Wrestlestock? It's not here.

MJ: NOT HERE~!!??~?~??!???!!!????!!!!

P: Ummm ... it's kinda in Indio, California. It's this whole big music and wrestling festival dealie.

MJ: CALIFORNIA?

P: Yep.

Matt shakes his head and gestures wildly with his hands, but barely restrains himself from headbutting the outer walls of the Tsongas Arena.

MJ: Alrighty then. Will you guys hold on a second? I need to make a phone call.

Matt pulls out his cell phone and finds a number. He waits as it connects, and apparently gets through to someone on the other end.

MJ: Phil? It's Matt. Why didn't you tell me that the NFW deal was in California?

...

What do you mean you already told me? Oh. Right. The beer.

...

So how the hell do you expect me to get out there?

...

Fine! Send the plane.

...

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DON'T HAVE A PLANE?

...

Oh, yeah. I don't have a plane. Helicopter?

Jet pack?

Private train?

Transporter?

Well, what exactly do we have?

...

No. No way. I am not taking John Madden's decomissioned bus.

Why? It's smells like Tinactin and Stumpy Pete scares me.

...

FINE. Can you get it here soon?

SIX HOURS, THIRTY MINUTES LATER...

A bus with fading "Outback Madden Cruiser" logos emblazoned on the outside finally pulls up outside the Tsongas Arena in the late hours of the night. From the door emerges the ironically nicknamed "Stumpy" Pete Williamson. All 6'8" off him. Matt, who by this point is nearly in a boredom-induced coma, is roused by the frightening brightness of the headlights.

MJ: Oh. Goodie.

SP: Get in the damn bus, pokey.

MJ: Please don't call me pokey. And you two, you're coming with me.

P/C: CRAP.

MJ: Folks, be prepared to witness the crowning of a new champion in the New Frontier. Plumbing Joe, other random geeks, the Johansson Express is rolling to Wrestlestock, and when we get there, not one of you is going to be able to stop me for PWNING each and every one of you.

That is, if we can actually find the damn place.

PEACE OUT~!

So, that's it. Matt, the producer, the cameraman and Stumpy Pete all walk into the bus. Our players are on the stage, and as the bus peels away into the distance, what better to do than...

...FADE OUT

suddenimpact · Apr 20, 2008

Purpose

(FADEIN: A kitchen table, with wallpaper behind it that screams 'middle American nuclear family' complete with a napkin holder and a stack of unopened mail. In the middle of the table, rising like a monolith, is a crimson mask with the faint discoloration of a bloodstain off to the side that didn't quite wash out. Standard Impulse Rules apply.)

This is my avatar: my face in New Frontier Wrestling. Those who care may wonder why this kid is still fighting as hard as he can when he clearly lacks the chops to win one.

Not the big one - that would label me a choke artist.

Not the exciting one - that would label me a prima donna.

One. Single. Match.

Those who care have seen me out there, wowing the fans with what I can do in the ring, but hearing the disappointment at dropping yet another one. Those who care shake their head good naturedly and say - quietly - though vocally enough to hear - that this kid doesn't have the killer instinct needed to survive in this business, to say nothing of survival in New Frontier Wrestling.

Those who care.

Those who don't see me as a skinny meat shield who can add to their body count. My opponents to date, Brock Alyas, Professor Tremendous, Rook Black, and Teresa Q, would certainly cover all aspects of both.

So why am I here?

Craig Miles and I talked about taking a hit in Las Vegas. I think Teresa proved I can take hits with the best of 'em. Jury's still out over how well I can dish 'em out, too.

So why am I here?

Of all the places to find myself at Wrestlestock II, why am I in a match with twenty four opponents who have all, essentially, performed modern miracles of the mat at least once before? Why haven't I taken the safe path and found myself a greener opponent than even I am, where I can open up in relative obscurity and safety and get that first 'W' under my belt before trying to play with the big dogs?

Because the only way to exist in this existence is to be bigger, faster, and louder than everyone else. My path in this sport was never going to be easy. I'm smaller and quieter than everyone else I've come across, though faster than most.

Even against a large number of newcomers and returning wrestlers, the odds in this NFW Television Championship match are against me. The path I walk has been predetermined by my record to day. Where I've been has been tied down to where I'm headed. The career of an overmatched punching bag can only sustain that of an overmatched punching bag, so they say.

So why am I here?

Because there's no guarantees in the sport of professional wrestling, less so in New Frontier Wrestling, less so in the Wrestling Revolucion, less so in the Joe - The - Plumber TV Title Invitational. Because the Revolucion is about wrestling as hard as you can, as often as you can, which means Nova's Counter - Revolucion goes against everything I believe in.

Because there's twenty four other men and women in this match who honestly believe I'll be a non - factor in the outcome.

Because this is where the path has led me.

So why am I here?

Because I'm haunted by the hallways in this tiny room. POEtic, sure, but try to see past metaphor.

It's easy if you know where to begin. And I know where to begin. The path that I've been on has predetermined the path that I'm to walk.

Fly from the path.

FADE

Evil James · Apr 20, 2008

Evil James - Alone

Rome, Italy
Tonight

The Church of the Unholy has been quiet for days now since the arrests of almost all of their membership a few days back. The halls and corridors of the building have been empty with the exception of one member who's shown up, me, Evil James Varga. I've been alone here for days just sitting around waiting for someone else to show up but no one has shown up.

I lay around the darkened room on a church bench thinking about my dark and tortured past, alone only wiht my thoughts. I have no idea how long I've been here but it's been a long time. The music I started playing on the stereo has been playing for at least forty minutes. I've even forgot what CD I put in the player.

It doesn't matter, anyway. Everything has been a blur over the past few weeks. Days upon days seem to just be the same day all blurred together. Ever since I joined the Church of the Unholy, I've fallen deeper in the darkness and the light just seems further and further away.

In the past few weeks, my career has been in jeopardy after several Church members were caught and detained in China over trying to break into a military base and steal weapons. Almost the entire Church was nabbed in the raid and now there are very few members left. Only four, as a matter of fact. But no one has showed up here since I arrived.

The loneliness of the whole situation has really started to get to me. The depression as well as the feelings of guilt, loneliness, and sadness have taken over me now. I don't know how to solve this conundrum. I just feel so alone.

Just then the Church doors creak open. I hear footsteps as someone closes the door behind them. I sit up from the pew where I've been laying this whole time
to see exactly who it is.

"Hello," I mumble out as the shadowy figure walks across the room. I rub my eyes to get a better look at the person.

They casually stroll across the room and go over to the small table where the CD player is. The person reaches down and shuts off the music.

The person stands back up but still hasn't said a work. It kind of looks like AXEL Action my best friend but the person has short hair and a hat on. Speaking of AXEL, I haven't seen him in weeks and that isn't helping my situation at all. AXEL's probably been arrested too along with almost everybody else.

But that still doesn't explain who this man is so I decide to ask the person one more time to try and get a name.

"Hello!" I exclaim as I get back on my feet and brush the dust off of myself. "What is your name? Who are you?"

I grab the lantern I sat down earlier off the floor and turn it back on. After doing so I point it at the person to see exactly who it is.

Once I see the person, I then realize that I don't reckognize this man but he seems to recognize me. I watch as he looks me over before pulling a piece of gum out of his pocket. He opens up the wrapper and puts the stick of gum in his mouth. The man then starts to talk to me.

"Mr. Varga," he says in a stern voice. "I work with the FBI. We have your comrades detained in a facility in an unknown location at this very time. Some of them have talked, some haven't."

I gulp and wipe some sweat from my forehead. This is not how I imagined my wrestling career ending but this is it. All because of some stool pigeon idiot that I know.

"That's interesting," I say coyly trying to hide how paranoid I am about being arrested right now on the spot. "So what sort of information have you discovered about the Church, kind sir?"

The big words I just used still can't help me get my mind off going to jail and being stuck there instead of being out and having freedom. Being locked up is not what a free spirit like myself needs. I would die of insanity after a few months and that's the truth.

"We discovered numerous illegal activities being performed by members of this Church," he replies in a sullen tone. "This includes fraud, racketeering, murder, attempted murder, assault, vandalism, theft, rape, and grand theft auto, among other things. That is what we know up until this point."

I'm getting a little bit intrigued at the moment by what this man has to say. I'm either safe or it's going to be my ass joining my buddies in jail. It won't take too long to find out.

"However two Church member names are absent from all of the offences comitted," he says with a little smirk. "And those two members are yourself and your
buddy AXEL Action."

Deep down I breath a big sigh of relief but am all business on the exterior not to give this guy any sign of weakness. I want him to think he's still in control and yet continue to probe for information.

"That's good to know," I reply slyly. "Didn't know we were part of a den of thieves and criminals. I had no clue."

The man reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a card. He walks over and hands it to me.

"If you hear any information, give me a call," he says with a smile as he turns around and heads out the door. "And good luck in that NFW thing."

I look down at the card and read the name 'Howard Smith, Federal Bureau of Investigation.' I then think I hear him say something and turn around to see him
heading out the door.

"What?" I ask loudly as he leaves.

"Good luck in the match," he says as he leaves. "The FBI will be watching."

And then just as suddenly as he came in, he is gone. And once again I am alone by myself with my thoughts. Now that I know everyone else is arrested and I am in the clear, I can now stop worrying about that and focus on the TV Title Royale which is what I need to focus on anyway. That belt will be mine. It MUST be mine. I cannot be denied my destiny. Not by the FBI, not by anybody...

Cut.

Unknown Soldier · Apr 20, 2008

0400 GST: Confidential Briefing

::FADE IN on a plain wooden podium, bereft of seal or symbol. The podium rests in the center of a small stage. Location: undisclosed. A screen dominates the back of the stage, fed glittering electronic images via a laptop and projector just to the right of the podium. Emblazoned ten feet high across the screen is a majestically rippling American flag. This powerful icon of national self-love headlocks your eyeballs and squeezes until you feel the majesty all the way down in your nihilistic little hearts. You have no choice. You will feel patriotic fervor …. riiiight … now.

The flag is pleased. The flag waits patiently. So do you.

Once the flag is through having its way with you, a MYSTERIOUS MASKED MYSTERY MAN IN A MASK ascends the stage’s three steps. He’s adorned in a Marine officer’s dress uniform, though it has the shoddy look of a rental. His military bearing is not lessened in the slightest by the woodland camo lucha mask that clings tenaciously to his face. Perched tenaciously atop the mask is a black beret, which is cocked at a totally awesome angle. This is kickass. This …. is THE UNKNOWN SOLDIER. He stops smartly at the podium and grips the sides of it, staring grimly ahead at the camera.::

THE UNKNOWN SOLDIER: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, and thank you for coming. I’d like to remind you all that this briefing is classified NOFORN and standard non-disclosure applies.

::His voice is gravelly and low, metered in the clipped tones of someone who saw a movie about the Army and thought the General sounded cool when he was talking up the president about bombing some invading aliens or something. But who was he addressing, and how could any of this be classified when there was clearly a TV camera right there?::

THE U.S.: I’ll keep this simple, people. New Frontier Wrestling, a revolutionary professional wrestling organization.

::The masked man presses a key on the laptop, and the glory of Old Glory is replaced by the NFW logo::

THE U.S.: A wrestling federation that may be currently in the midst of a revolution. So far all the intel we have is based on speculation, but it has always been the policy of the U.S. Government to shoot first and make up whatever we have to later to keep ourselves out of trouble. This situation is no different, ladies and gentlemen. I’ve spoken to the president …

::What?!? Riiiiiiight … and just who exactly is he speaking to? Is anyone else even there? You’re beginning to doubt that this man is even affiliated with the government.::

THE U.S.: … and he’s given the go-ahead to launch a Peacekeeping effort in New Frontier.

::He stares grimly at the camera, his face almost certainly hard and stoic behind the MASK THAT KEEPS HIS IDENTITY TOTALLY SECRET. The Unknown Soldier presses another key on the laptop, and the NFW logo onscreen is replaced by a series of maps and graphs and stuff::

THE U.S.: As you may know, the NFW experienced a civil war a few years ago, splitting into several factions. North, South, East, Upper Midwest, and Lower South Compton were engaged in a massive struggle for the ULTRATITLE, which we believe to be either a weapon of mass destruction, or a giant golden dildo. Intel has yet to confirm the true nature of the ULTRATITLE and its current location.

THE U.S.: But we do know this. Once the ULTRATITLE was finally captured, the warring factions ceased hostilities under the threat of being wiped out by the might of that awesome weapon and/or marital aid. The old government was more-or-less reinstated, and it looked like a time of peace and prosperity.

THE U.S.:Lately, though, rumor has begun to spread throughout the world of wrestling. Of factions once again building power in NFW. Rumors of Revolution and Counter-Revolution. As we all know, rumors quickly spread to FULL-OUT NUCLEAR WAR AND MASS HOLOCAUST. Ladies and gentlemen, this must be stopped. The fate of the world dependsss on it.

::He presses yet more keys on the laptop, and an overhead of Indio, CA pops up with the location of the Empire Polo Fields clearly marked in yellow.::

THE U.S.: We believe that the majority of the Insurgent fighting will take place in this location … over here. In a few day’s time, the locals will hold Wrestlestock 2, their annual wrestling event, exotic cheese festival, and coming of age ritual. We believe that there will be an attack during the festival. A twenty-three person strike force will descend upon Wrestlestock and wage war against those great Bastions of Democracy that we hold so dear. They will attack the common values that we as wrestling fans, human beings, and Americans have fought and bled for over the last seven hundred years … good wrestling and quality entertainment.

THE U.S.: I have been given the authority to enter this hostile zone and neutralize any threat that presents itself. This is a dangerous assignment, people. I knowingly go into battle alone and outnumbered, but I am not afraid. I am not afraid because I know that the might of GOD and the UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT go with me. I will call on the LORD to be my suplex, and the MIGHT of our GREAT NATION to be my Atomic Drop. With those things on my side, I WILL TAKE BACK NEW FRONTIER!

::FADE TO BLACK::

Hunchblack · Apr 20, 2008

To whom it may concern,

Questions, riddles and ‘what-ifs’ flood my brain day and night. I am a poet, a scholar, a philosopher; trapped inside the body of a black kyphotic wrestler. I wonder what I would be like if I was to appear ‘normal’. Would I be happier? Would I be a better person? Would my name still be Hunchblack? These are the questions that I have blocked myself from answering for as long as my hump has been pulsating*. Because the truth is... I have become content. I have things people less fortunate would dream of; a single working eye and mobile shelter on my back. Call me naive if you must, but it doesn’t get an awful lot better than that.

It’s been a humpingly* long time since I’ve even given a thought about stepping into a wrestling ring. Now I’ve finally been given a good enough reason to compete. There are many strange, complicated people competing with me, but all can claim to be normals. That I am positive they do. I have it on good authority that they have framed certifications validating their status as a 'normal', just to rub it in poor Hunchblack's deformed* face. They rub it in my deformed* face, laughing at me. My career hit the rocks because of it, there was nothing I could do, except be crucified and resurrected; dismembered totally, and then reborn. A naturally engineered freak; driven by the desire to be seen into fairly by the piercing, judgemental eyes of the so-called 'normals'. Who here is really the three hundred pound hunchbacked nigga? Not I.

For ten years I have waited for the opportunity to pursue my vendetta against my most loathed of all tradesmen; the plumber! And now, that opening has finally presented itself. It was a gentleman of this very profession who has helped mould the Hunchblack you see (or read about) before you. But that story, my friends, is for another day (possibly tomorrow).

Regards,

Hunchblack

PAID FOR BY HUNCHBLACK’S CHARITY:
THE UNITED HUNCHBACKED NEGRO FUND TM.
PLEASE CONTINUE TO DONATE GENEROUSLY!

*Edited in by Hunchblack’s lawyer after he ignored a contractual clause (section C, paragraph 4) requiring him to refer to his kyphosis in a derogatory light-hearted manner in all public appearances/promos.

ADD Flash · Apr 21, 2008

(FADEIN in to ARCHIE DANGER DOYLE, aka ADD, standing before the camera wearing his Aviator shades and a classic old-school Coca-Cola t-shirt. He runs his hands through his styled mullet before flashing the camera his killer grin. The monstrous mass of lummox's grin turned from killer to goofy as he cleared his throat to speak.)

ADD: "New Frontier Wrestling has a battle royale to top them all where 25 men do battle to become a plumber. To become Joe the Plumber. Chea! Distrubingly enough I'm unsure as to whether or not I'll enjoy digitating dookie encrusted pipin' but if the powers that be say let it be and throw 25 men into the ring for a surprising career change than so be it.

"I'll head on over to Caly-four-nye-yay and take part in career royale of the new millenium to be a poo peddler if that's what they want. I'll tear all 24 a new defication device. Consider me the reverse virgin, no need to be gentle with me coz I won't be gentle with you.

"I'm like a sand-paper condom on an inside out d(FCC)k. Chea! Full of blood and misery but at least at the end one of us will enjoy it. Me. I'll enjoy it. I was makin' the innuendo that I will be the winner and the other 24 people will be the losers. Makin' sexual innuendo. Trying to give you the imagery that this match would be like a strategised consenual sexual assault. More like a mass orgy of an extreme proportion. With very homo-erotic overtones.

"I will become Joe the Plumber and they won't. Get it?"

(The cameraman can barely audibly heard responding with simply "Yeah, I get it". ADD gives a nod of recognition as he tries to muster where his train of thought went. He continues to speak again, luckily he found it.)

ADD: "At Wrestlestock I'll be the Jimi Hedrix. I'll be a guitar with teeth and unleash the chicks that like to sit on shoulders and bare the boobies to the world. You will all bare you boobies when the guitars get plugged in and I can plug in guitars. Chea, brah. I can.

"I've seen a guy down the street playing guitar. He has a little hat with shiny nickels in it. He got mildly offended when I put in five bucks and took out three bucks change. We got into an argument, right. And I'm all you were okay. Not worth five bucks but definitely two. Two a nickel max! The guy's all beware the ides of March and I'm all et tu Brutus? Then this guy loses his s(FCC)t and swings his guitar at me shouting I'm the crazy one, I'm the crazy one! You're stealin' my bit and I'm all I'm not stealin' your bit. I'm gettin' change, brah. Then he sits down and aplogises for the confusion and dedicates his next song to me. It's about kittens dying when you masturbate. He says it's to the tune of 'Higher' by Creed but it sounds more like Dido."

(Just barely you can hear the cameraman mutter the unabbreviated version of WTF whilst ADD removes his shades and gives them a clean on his vintage t-shirt before putting them back in place.)

ADD: "Rumours have that when you become a plumber you get a shiny belt made out of televisions. I like televisions. I had sex on TV once, but I fell off and hit my head on the coffee table. Mum told me I should have waited for a commercial break and its not sex when you're on your own. And I'm all let me feed the chickens mum! Won't somebody let me feed the chickens? That was an awkward Christmas and my nieces aren't allowed at our house anymore.

"But Wrestlestock will be exactly like Christmas when I turn into the plumber with the belt made of TVs. I've got a decent sized antenna so hopefully I can get some good reception. 24 channels of bustin' your lip open oughta make for a potentially entertaining evening for the fans and fanesses. More innuendo. Less home-eroticism.

"You see me debut? See what you're up against? Pretend you're on the job on Oprah and bring two sherpas, a blood hound and a two-way radio, come climb the mountain. Goats and all.

"Bring your ropes. Bring your pick-axe. Bring your climbing boots. Bring a harness... just for your own safety. When you come to summit the sun rises above and you're looking at the sun.

"I am the sun.

"I will be the plumber... with the TV encrusted belt which you all desire.

"I'm ready for a career change."

(ADD snatched his shades off of his face and leered down the camera lens in a fashion commited to the meaning within his own words.)

ADD: "I'm ready for a career change."

(FADE TO BLACK!)

faded.

blacked.

Evil James · Apr 22, 2008

Evil James - Opponents

04/21/08
Late afternoon...

After my travels to Rome, Italy, I came back to Las Vegas after talking with the FBI agent. In fact, after he talked to me, the first thing I did was head to the airport and get a plane ticket on the first flight out of town. Now, I'm in Vegas and just finished training at the gym. After cleaning up and taking a shower, I put my clothes on and head outside which is where I'm at now. I'm walking out of the gym as one of my buddies comes walking over. I turn around and see my buddy Art coming over. I called him earlier so I'm honestly amazed that he showed up on time for once. However, I'm still a little paranoid about the FBI possibly following me around as we start talking but try not to show it.

"Hey man," he says with a grin. "What's up?"

"Hey yo," I reply as we high five. "What's happening?"

"Nothing man," he says in a sullen tone. "Been trying to get another job again."

"But that's like, what, your third job in six months?" I ask with a devious grin.

Art looks like he wants to kick my ass at this point. The fact that he's wearing a Cannibal Corpse T-shirt and has an Alfalfa from The Little Rascals haircut doesn't help deter that fact.

"Shut up, James," he replies in his typical whiny voice after I make a smart ass comment.
"So, you're in some sort of battle royal or something, right? I saw it on the television."

I raise my eyebrow and give him a look.

"You mean the crappy local news?" I ask with a grin.

"Yeah," he replies. "They had a whole story on it on the station with the ugly ass news anchor that hosts it."

"I know that station," I reply. "I hate that station."

"Yeah," Art replies with a mutter under his breath. "So who are you facing in it?"
This brings a big smile to my face because I get to talk **** about people at this point and have some fun.

"Well, there's an interesting assortment of scum, villainy, and stupidity," I reply back to him with a devious grin on my face. "There's everything from Hunchblacks, wanna-be rappers, retards, miscreants, masturbating soldiers, homosexual cannibal rapists, and plumbers. It's basically a who's who of who cares in the wrestling business."

Art starts laughing at this point.

"Dude, you're ****ing bad," he says with a chuckle.

I shake my head no.

"I'm not just bad, I'm EVIL," I quickly shoot back with an evil grin.

"That's true," he says back. "So what kinds of things are they about? I mean what are
they saying and what are they doing?"

I can only laugh at this.

"Well there's some patriot soldier guy talking about God and country and all that bull****," I say with a laugh. "I mean seriously, this guy probably masturbates to pictures of former presidents in his spare time. He also wants to actually stop nuclear war. He's probably a member of Green Peace and Hump the Whales...I mean Save the Whiles. This guy is such a retard that he actually wants to bring peace to New Frontier. Well he'd better get it through his head that this is going to be a war and a war that I plan on winning by any means necessary. And then there's the Hunchblack."

"What the hell is a Hunchblack?" he asks, giving me a weird look as he does so.

"That's the same thing I said," I quickly reply back with a smirk on my face. "Apparently he's some sort of deformed humanoid subcreature."

"Thought so," Art says with a laugh.

"So yeah," I continue. "Then there's the idiot named Impulse or whatever his name is that is off in another dimension like some sort of Rod Serling story reject or something. He might also be a villain from the Mega Man series of video games, however I am not certain of this and will look it up on Wikipedia when I get home."

"I think he might've been in Mega Man three," Art says as he ponders what Mega Man game that Impulse might've been in."

"Matt Johansson seems like a bad ass but I think he's too preoccupied singing showtunes for gay sex to even care about winning this," I say with a grin as Art starts laughing his ass off. "However, he does seem to think that he will be anointed the new NFW TV Champion. I think not. The only thing he's going to get from this match is some crabs from one of our other opponents. He won't win it. I won't let him. This guy is going to lose just for tilde infractions alone. He's also got a bus to bring him to California."

"A bus?" Art asks, blinking his eyes like he's in a state of disbelief.

I nod my head in acknowledgement.

"Yeah, a bus," I reply trying to keep from laughing. "I mean, what does his think this is? Nineteen ninety three with the Lex Express? COME ON! That dude needs a reality check just like the Unknown Soldier does. However, he is in a different reality. A reality of lameness. A reality of stupidity. A reality of unrealistic expectations. A reality that will be shattered when he adn everybody else in this match is humiliated by losing to the greatest underdog of all time, the most underappreciated talent in this sport. He and everyone else will lose to me, Evil James."

"But I thought your name was James varga," Art asks, scratching his head.

"Shhhhh!!!!" I say as I shush him. "Don't break kayfabe, Art. You want me to get fired?"

Art shakes his head.

"No," he replies.

"Good," I say calmly, trying to keep my cool and not go off on him for being a jackass.

"So who else is in the match?" he asks with a sense of intrigue.

"Well the only other guy who's said anything so far is this guy named ADD," I say while shaking my head. "Honestly, I have no clue what the **** this guy was talking about. He sounded like that crackhead that used to ask for money at the gas station over by my house."

"HEY! I remember that guy," Art says with a laugh.

"But yeah, he's exactly like that guy," I reply while trying to keep from laughing.

"So who else is in the match or is that it?" he asks.

"Well there's about nineteen other people in it," I reply while trying to remember everyone whose in the match. "Andy Murray from GCW is in there. He'll be tough to beat as is another GCW guy named Phil Atken. There's some Doink wanna-be named Sars the Clown. He's Sweet Tooth's boyfriend from the instution. Or so I was told. There's some weird savage beast creature named Uganda. I think he's related to the Fiji Mermaid from X-Files. You know, that fish creature that lived in that guy's stomach...oh, nevermind. Forget him. Almasy is in there and he'll most likely kick my ass but that's only in his dreams. But the main guy is Joe the Plumber, the champion. Yeah, I heard that he shows crack to get pipe."

Art starts laughing hysterically over this.

"You're going to Hell," he replies with a laugh.

"I know," I quickly reply back before looking over and seeing a guy in a trenchcoat looking in my direction. Art turns and looks in the direction of the man.

"Let's get out of here," I say calmly. "Too many unsavory FBI types around here for my liking."

We head toward our cars in the parking lot as the man continues to watch me as the scene fades out.

Cut.

Hunchblack · Apr 22, 2008

renner · Apr 22, 2008

Telethon.

This will be my only roleplay. I'm too lazy to bother writing another one. =P

Somewhere, in a city that maybe in fact exist somewhere on the outer reaches of your mind, there existed a studio.

It was less of a studio and more of a warehouse that had been abandoned by a company many years ago and had since been occupied by some of the local rabble who dressed alternatively as either superheroes or film makers. Ever since the occupants chose the latter profession, the building became known only as "the Job Studio", and served as the nesting ground for ultra low budget films.

Today, however, was a day in which an ultra low budget film would not be made. Instead, the Job Studio was seemingly alive with more people in its confines than had ever existed before. Even the residents of the Studio were surprised as the turnout. In fact, one of them, who looked strangely Mexican, looked all bug-eyed at the crowd sitting in the bleachers. Another one, a white guy who looked like he was going to be a virgin forever, was charging five bucks a seat and an outrageous sum more for refreshments.

In front of the makeshift bleachers installed in the studio for that day lied a set that was very much akin to a telethon set. There was a booth on the left side where a bunch of bored-looking people were "busilly" answering phone calls. In the middle was what appeared to be a large "wheel", which was to say that it was the type of wheel seen on the Price Is Right. Only, rather than prices and numbers being listed on the wheel, it instead had names of the many competitors involved in the TV title battle royale at NFW's Wrestlestock 2 pay-per-view.

On the right side of the studio was a large, flat-panelled monitor. It displayed... well, actually, it was displaying the exact same picture we have now, ad infinitum.

Standing right in the center of the studio, with what had to have been the fakest smile in the world, was a tall, well-built man. His once blonde hair had long since been dyed brown. He wore what could only be described as "business casual" wear, a collared blue shirt and a pair of khaki slacks. He looked very suburban despite his size. Standing next to him with an even faker smile was a small, black-haired girl wearing a lone-sleeved white shirt underneath a short-sleeved "NFW" T-shirt, and a short pink skirt. She seemed uncomfortable partially because of her skirt and the high heels she was wearing with them. In fact, she turned to the man in front of him, and without removing her smile on her face, whispered to him.

GIRL: (whispering) Steve, which one of you decided that I had to wear girly clothes?

The man, Steve Knox, did not even turn to look at her. Instead, he also spoke through his smile without removing it from his face.

STEVE KNOX: (whispering) It was Beef. Beat him up *after* we get through this, alright, Alexandria?

Alexandria Malone, the girl who was perpetually stuck with either Mega Job or the Codemaster, fought through her urge to tear off her shoes and stab the director of this debacle in the eyeballs with the heels. Instead, she addressed the camera.

ALEXANDRIA MALONE: And, we're back!

STEVE FOX: That's right! Welcome back to the Steve Knox For Television Champion Telethon!

A sign just above Steve Knox and Alexandria Malone lit up. It read "Applause". Below that, another sign lit up, which read as if it was continuing the above statement, and thus, it read, "Applause, Damn You!".

The crowd applaused, as if compelled by some strange force. Or they just followed what the sign said.

ALEXANDRIA MALONE: We've had quite a day so far, haven't we Steve?

STEVE KNOX: That's right, Alexandria! Thus far, we've had many calls from New Frontier Wrestling fans, almost begging that a new Television Champion be crowned at the upcoming Wrestlestock pay-per-view. Let's listen to one such call!

On television, a graphic was displayed below Steve and Alexandria. It read "On The Line: Lady Beeferina".

VOICE: Oh, hello.

The voice sounded suspiciously like Beef the Slightly Annoyed would if he suddenly developed a faux British accent and sounded like a woman. In fact, the voice didn't even bother trying to hide that idiotic gravelly sound in their voice.

VOICE: I do say, I find that Joe the Plumber guy to be simply dreadful. It would appease me greatly to see Mr. Knox win the Television Championship. Only a man like him can possibly satisfy my... womanly... urges. Oh, yesssss. I dare say, were I not a married woman of twenty-six years with seventeen children, I would jump all over that gorgeous hunk of a man in a second.

The color on Steve Knox's face slowly faded over the course of the voice's talk. He quickly turned his head off-camera and gave a motion to cut the audio feed, almost exasperatedly. The audio was cut, and Steve turned his head back to the camera. Still with his fake smile on his face, but clearly annoyed, Steve whispered to Alexandria.

STEVE KNOX: (whispering) Leave enough of him alive so I can strangle him to death.

ALEXANDRIA MALONE: (whispering) Nooooo promises.

STEVE KNOX: (speaking clearly) One thing is true, loyal NFW fans. The voices of the people are clear, and they are loud. They want to see me, Steve Knox, go into Wrestlestock and come out as the Television Champion. And sure, maybe you think I'm a relative unknown, that I'm a nobody. But as a second generation wrestler, the son of the legendary wrestler and actor Earl Knox... I assure you that I am no nobody. With that in mind, let's talk to some of the people taking calls, to gauge the reactions of the NFW loyal!

Steve and Alexandria walked over to the area where people were taking phone calls. He walked up to one man taking phone calls, who looked suspiciously like someone possibly familiar to some people. Even if he should've died off permanently four years ago.

STEVE KNOX: Hey, Kenny... how goes the calls!

The man looked less like a human and more like one of those zombies you see in movies. He has open wounds all over the place, and looked like he'd survived quite a few fatal wounds. Including dismemberment. He was somebody who defied several laws of biology and in some cases, physics.

His name... was Ken War.

KEN WAR: i am hardkorr!!!111

And Ken War was "hardkorr".

Steve unconsciously took a step back, blinked, turned to an equally stunned Alexandria, and then turned back to Ken War.

STEVE KNOX: Ex... excuse me?

KEN WAR: u hoo r teh knocks... i am teh hardkorr!!11 i shuld b teh chumpeion!!!11 cos i am kne wer an i am hardkorr!!111

Steve blinked, and now, with no logical reason as to why he should even maintain character, drops his smile and turns to Alexandria with an almost frantic and incredulous look on his face.

STEVE KNOX: Who made this guy a telephone answerer?!

Off to the side of the camera, a man raised his hand.

MAN: I did!

Steve and Alexandria shot a cold glare at the man, who sulked and dropped back out of sight of the camera. Steve then turned to Alexandria.

STEVE KNOX: (muttering) We are definitely going to kill him.

ALEXANDRIA MALONE: (also muttering) Hopefully slowly and painfully.

They resumed their smiles, but Steve was quick to signal for someone to go and take Ken War away. A couple of orderlies came and captured Ken War in a great white net, and haul him off. Off-camera, there's many sounds of Ken War dying. Painfully. But nobody cared. Shrugging, Steve moved on to the next person in the booth, a young, disinterested, blonde valley girl who was more interested in her fingernails than in whoever it was she was talking to.

STEVE KNOX: Hello, how goes the response from the NFW faithful?

VALLEY GIRL: Um, like... what's a Eneffdub? Is it, like, totally a new style of shoe? `Cause, my friends, we were like, soooooo into these cute little pink shoes that we, like, saw in the mall. And I have this outfit that, like, totally matches.

Steve Knox said nothing in response. Instead, he simply signaled to some people off screen. The orderlies came and took away the valley girl, too, despite her loud complaints that she might break a nail. Steve decided that perhaps that should be the end of talking to the people answering the phones, and turned his attention to the wheel.

STEVE KNOX: Well, folks, I guess now is the time to spin the wheel.

Alexandria perked up, because she thought the wheel was very, very nifty. In fact, she was jumping up and down, all excited.

ALEXANDRIA MALONE: Ooh! Ooh!

STEVE KNOX: (raising an eyebrow) Yes, Alex?

ALEXANDRIA MALONE: Can I spin the wheel? Can I? Can I? Pleaaaaase?

STEVE KNOX: (shrugging) I don't see why not...

ALEXANDRIA MALONE: Yay!

Steve walked over to the wheel, while Alexandria, very excitedly, skipped over to the wheel and stood by, waiting for the word to spin it.

STEVE KNOX: Now, for those of you who are new to the Steve Knox For Television Champion Telethon, when we spin this wheel, we will talk very briefly about the wrestler or wrestlers listed. Alexandria, if you would b--

The moment she heard her name, Alexandria gave the big wheel a monster push, interrupting Steve. The wheel began to spin rapidly, almost as if it would come off of its hinges and come barrelling towards the people in the crowd, killing hundreds. However, finally, the beast of a wheel slowed down and eventually stopped... on "Joe The Plumber".

STEVE KNOX: My my. Joe the Plumber, eh? Okay.

Steve looked down, and held his microphone to his face.

STEVE KNOX: Joe. I'll be honest. You need a little work to pull through. If I may be so bold to say, your in-ring work is a mess of lucky breaks and violence with little actual substance. Now, I can give you some advice on how you can perhaps retain your championship for longer than even the year you've held it for. My best advice is... lose the gut. I mean that in the "getting in shape" sort of way. You're slower than mud in the ring and you wheeze so much that the first five rows of every building you wrestle in are deprived of oxygen. If you can fix that one problem, Joe, you'll simply be made for better things.

Yes, Steve was giving his opposition some constructive criticism. Hey, some people tell their opponents to **** off and die, some people try to offend the masses, and then some people offer constructive critcism. Steve looked up at the camera, a (fakey) smile on his face.

STEVE KNOX: That's all I have to say. Next?

Alexandria spun the wheel. Idly, Steve wondered if the residents of the "Job Studio" had properly bolted in that wheel when they installed it earlier in the day. The wheel finally stopped, and it landed on the name "Uganda".

STEVE KNOX: ...Uganda?

ALEXANDRIA MALONE: That's what it says.

STEVE KNOX: Huh.

ALEXANDRIA MALONE: I don't get how we can have an entire country wrestling in this match, myself.

STEVE KNOX: (to Alexandria) I don't think that's quite accurate, Alex. (turns to the camera) Uganda, I commend you for being able to retain your movement despite being grossly overweight for your height. Much like Joe, though, I believe you might be better if you can... lose some of your excess baggage so that you may have more mobility. I'm just helping out here.

Steve turned to Alexandria, who spun the wheel again. After a while, it landed on one name.

Dirk Dickwood.

Steve, with a serious look on his face, offered his advice on Dirk.

STEVE KNOX: Drink milk. Lots of it.

It spun. It landed.

Sars the Clown II.

STEVE KNOX: ...

ALEXANDRIA MALONE: ...

STEVE KNOX: Spin it again.

ALEXANDRIA MALONE: But you didn't say anythin--

STEVE KNOX: Not worth talking about. Spin it.

Alexandria shrugged, but was all too happy to make the spin. After a while of spinning, it came up with one last name.

James Varga.

STEVE KNOX: Ah, yes. "Evil" James Varga. If I may be so bold to say, the only thing evil about you is your ignorance. When you talk, you just decide to turn off the brain-mouth filter and assume that everything you say will be sunshine and lolipops. You fail to grasp the basic properties of your opponents and just assume that because you've got talent, you can make it. It's not that simple, winning around here takes knowledge and strategy, not just talent and... ahem. Evil.

Steve pauseed to reflect, before he offered up a smile, something quite self-confident rather than the fakey one he'd been flashing earlier.

STEVE KNOX: I'm not selling you short. You've got skill. I'll admit that. I have something of a bit of skill, too. However, I'm willing to wager that the quality of what I can do will far exceed what you can do. You get in the ring with me, and I'll straighten out the definition of "evil" for you.

Steve then brought up his fakey smile again.

STEVE KNOX: Alright, let's go to the phone people to see how much support we've garnered towards this campaign!

Quick cut to El Janito, who had somehow become a member of the phone crew. He smiled a big, El Janito-like smile.

EL JANITO: We just got five bucks!

STEVE KNOX: (sarcastically) That's great.

EL JANITO: But then I spent it on some chips. I was hungry.

Steve Knox groaned.

STEVE KNOX: So, how much have I earned for this thing?

EL JANITO: Hmmm... (thinks about it) I'd say you actually owe about fifty bucks, now.

STEVE KNOX: ... (glare)

EL JANITO: ... (whimper)

STEVE KNOX: (turns to Alexandria) Alex.

ALEXANDRIA MALONE: Yes?

STEVE KNOX: You can have the director. I'll beat up the Mexican.

ALEXANDRIA MALONE: Okie-day.

BEEF: (off-camera) Steve, turn the camera off. Now!

STEVE: HIM?

Alexandria began marching towards the camera was, after having taken her shoes off. She now wielded them as if they were for killing people. Steve Knox, in the background, began to march towards El Janito.

BEEF: No! You! The Steve we all know!

Alexandria reached the camera.

Static.

???? · Apr 22, 2008

The scene opens with a flyover of a prairie somewhere in the middle of America. In the background, a stirring musical score that was obviously scored by the maestro himself, John Williams. As the scene switches between various scenes of American heartland, the score swells into a forte of brass instruments and pounding drums that captures the drama of the scenes depicted, pulling at your heartstrings and compelling you to be interested in what's happening. A farm in Iowa is shown with a red tractor pulling a combine through a field. Of course, the buildings look freshly painted and the scene is just perfect. A shot of Mount Rushmore is shown panning slowly from left to right. A shot of some children are shown running through a playground, the joy and innocence so very evident on their faces. As these scenes play out in front of you, the voice of the dramatic movie preview guy booms from your speakers, speaking in a low, dramatic, and compelling timbre.

Preview Guy - "How do you prepare for that which you don't know is coming? They say the future is not set, and that even a lowly butterfly could have a drastic effect on the events of the future."

Naturally enough, a field full of flowers is shown and as the camera slowly runs through the field in slow motion, several butterflies are shown fluttering about as the musical score flows sweetly as flutes trill and low woodwinds backup the score in a very light and tumbling musical bridge.

Preview Guy - "For twenty-four other would-be gladiators, the doubts, the fears, the wonder is beginning to set in. The order is set, but not all is set. There is one gladiator who remains a mysterious enigma."

As the other participants in this match are quickly shown in dramatic poses, the scene fades to a shot of the Statue of Liberty taken from Liberty Island. The sky is clear. The shot is perfect. As the camera pulls back, the New York skyline can be seen in the background. The wind is swaying the trees gently and as the camera stops pulling back, a part of someone’s leg is shown. Whoever this leg belongs to is facing the Statue of Liberty. The leg is clad in black jeans, and an old dusty boot dons the foot.

Preview Guy - "Where does he come from? What does he want? What will he do?"

The sky behind Lady Liberty begins turning black, and the low rumble of thunder is heard in Digital Dolby THX Certified 9.2 surround sound. The wind picks up and with a lightning flash, we shift from a scene of patriotic pride, to one of utter and complete horror. The music stops with the lightning strike and all that's heard is the whistle of a lonesome wind as the scene fades in to a black and white war torn landscape. As the camera slowly passes past the hollowed out buildings, it is evident that whatever caused the destruction was a force of nature the likes of which has never been seen by human eyes. The deep resonating voice of the move preview guy is replaced by the guttural growl, and snarl of a new voice. One of anger, hate, and pure evil. One of someone who has obviously led a life of destruction, pain, and suffering.

Voice - "I am the wanton destruction of everything that stands before me. Stand in my path, and find yourself broken, busted, bleeding, and defeated at my feet."

The scene fades to more black and white destruction. This time, it is the playground in which we saw the children earlier. However the equipment has been twisted, wrecked, and mangled by forces unseen. Strewn about the playground are the bodies of dead children from all ages. Blood covered cadavers with lifeless eyes staring ahead into all of eternity are seen as the camera pans around the scene. The bodies of these young and innocent beings are mangled almost beyond description. Limbs are strewn about. Eyes are gouged out. Deep gouging cuts along the throats and even disembodied little heads are seen. It is a disgusting sight.

Voice - "I do not discriminate in those who would dare oppose me. I will stop at nothing to achieve whatever it is I set out to do. I am the guilt of every man who has ever taken the law into his own hands."

The scene fades and transitions again, this time showing the Statue of Liberty in ruins. In the background, the skyline of New York is torn asunder. Flames can be seen in several locations where once monstrous buildings stood. Lady Liberty is a pile of rubble. The only noticeable indication that this was the statue of liberty is a small portion of the torch rests atop the pile of twisted green copper at what was the base. The camera pulls back and we see the same black jean clad leg that was seen previously.

Voice - "The sins of man that have been committed in the name of religion, greed, and blood all pale in comparison to what awaits. Your minds are not prepared. Your bodies even less prepared. Know unto thee, that the seeds you sow indeed grow, even if they are not tended to. And what sprouts forth from them is not always what you expect."

There is a blinding flash of lightning, and as the rumble of the thunder subsides, the screen fades from white to black. There is no music, and the whistling wind has ceased. There is only a black screen with no sound. No sound except for a voice.

Voice - "I...am karma."

The scene then fades to black.

Seymour Almasy · Apr 22, 2008

To: New Frontier Wrestling
From: Los Angeles Public Hospital, ICU.
Re: almasyDEATH
Date: April 22, 2008

To Whom It May Concern,

We are writing this letter to you to relate concerns in regards to one of the athletes set to compete at your upcoming event.

The patient was admitted to our facility a little over a year and a half ago. He suffered second degree burns from what we were told was a hand-grenade over about thirty percent of his body, including his face. He was treated and bandaged, though our attempts at a skin graft were ultimately unsuccessful. Once he woke up, he was able to explain to us his injuries came during what he termed a “cluster****”, or a giant battle of wrestlers.

He was calm at first, though he grew increasingly angry during his tenure in our hospital. Nurses caught him cursing under his breath incessantly, and speaking in a strange language that we were unable to identify.

Patient refused all efforts to adminster psychological care, though my amateur diagnosis is that he has suffered mentally and emotionally as well as physically from his scarring. Pictures of the individual before his injury show him to be a good looking young man, who has been deprived of his looks and livelihood as a professional wrestler.

We attempted to hold him longer than the two weeks recommended for his recovery, but he refused to stay and insisted on leaving the first day possible. We acquiesced, and gave him instructions for how to properly care for his wounds.

He checked out the next day, signing his name on our checkout clipboard as “almasyDEATH.” Among the personal effects that he left behind at the hospital was a flyer for New Frontier Wrestling, which is why this letter has been written to you.

We find it highly likely that he blames his injury and subsequent disfiguring on your company and its employees. One of our interns reported seeing the name almasyDEATH on an advertisement for your upcoming WrestleStock II event, and brought this fact to our attention.

It is our recommendation that you do not allow almasyDEATH, aka Seymour Almasy, to compete. We believe that he was not in his right mind when he was admitted to our hospital over a year ago, and that the period of time between now and then has only caused his mental illness to fester.

Should he compete, we do not believe that his goal is to become Television Champion, as is the point of your Rumble match. Rather, we believe that he will be out to maim people, and cause as much injury as possible.

We have given you all of the information that we have. Accordingly, our conscience is clear should you choose not to heed our warnings.

Thank you,
William H. Matthews, PhD
Intensive Care Unit
Los Angeles Public Hospital

Seymour Almasy · Apr 23, 2008

It’s amazing how bandages change your perspective forever.

I changed them every two days for six months, looking in horror at the blood and pus that would cling to them, blood and pus caused by a face so hideous I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror.

Even when it healed as best it could, the only time I went with my face uncovered was in the shower. It is still that way today. Though I wash the scars with soap and water, they will never go away.

I came to grips with most of it very quickly. No more ring rats, no more groupies. No more wrestling, at least for a while. I understood that it was my reality. Understood what had been stolen from me, and I wasn’t even really angry then.

I only became truly angry when I realized that I was PERMANENTLY marked.

New Frontier Wrestling is a lawless asylum of crazies. People are scarred every day…and yet they always manage to come back. What Craig Miles did to me transcended wrestling…and truly made me realize the man’s innate lack of morality if he would permanently scar a man he did not even truly hate.

And so I lay at home seething, before I realized a simple fact: my legs still worked.

As did my arms. As did my hands. As did my will.

All that had been taken from me was my face. My good looks.

And once I realized that, I knew what I had to do.

I crafted a mask out of hard, smooth plastic, a mask that attaches to my face with a strap around the back of my head. It’s not fancy, nor do I want it to be. It is a visage of sorrow, a blank slate of anger and despair.

And with that mask on, I began to train once again.

The body does not forget what it was born to do, even after great trauma.

So I am here to compete once again at Wrestlestock II. To everyone else in my way, I say merely this: do not worry. My main goal is not your precious Television Championship. Should I be able to attain it, I will certainly not refuse a glorious prize
such as that.

No, my goal is far simpler, and far far easier to attain.

…all I want is to make everyone look like me. Is that really so much to ask?

Craig Miles may have scarred my face, but New Frontier Wrestling and its vampiric, disgusting fans scarred my soul. I will leave an unmistakable mark on NFW at the moment of its greatest glory.

Do you really think I’m afraid of a plumber and a ****ty plunger after what I’ve been through? No, there will not be a bath of excrement at Wrestlestock II, in spite of Joe’s best efforts.

What there will be is blood. Lots of it, and this time, dear friends, it will not be my own.

I was born. I lived. I died at the hands of NFW.

And it is my dead shell that comes back for revenge, the Masque of Death which comes to make NFW repent.

Pray. It will not help, but pray nonetheless.

Evil James · Apr 23, 2008

Evil James - Fun with Youtube

04/22/08
Tonight...

[The training methods of wrestling never change. But yet Evil James has decided to screw around on his laptop while taking a break from training at his house. His best friend Art is over and is bored as usual so he's decide to look up some videos on his opponents with some interesting results.]

Evil James: Well Art, let me tell you something. I've been looking up Youtube videos on all of my opponents and I should have no trouble winning this thing.

Art: Are you serious?

Evil James: Yeah. Like that this for instance. I looked up almasyDEATH.

Art: AlmasyDEATH? Who the hell is that?

Evil James: Seymour Almasy.

Art: Oh, ok. Heard of him. I saw him on the TV a few times.

Evil James: He looks like a chick.

[Art starts cackling with laughter.]

Art: That's ****ing awesome, dude.

Evil James: I know. I mean seriouslt,

[Evil James motions Art over to the laptop to watch the video.]

Evil James: Check this out.

[Art looks at the laptop as James clicks on the Youtube video link and it starts up.]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mkm7tp44PRo

[After the video finishes up, Art starts laughing hysterically.]

Art: We're going to hell!

Evil James: Derrr! Of course we are. I am for sure. You...maybe. But me for sure.

Art: Shut up, James. I'm worse than you are.

Evil James: Not really.

[Evil James types in the word 'Hunchblack' and clicks enter. He then comes onto a screen full of videos and scrolls down until he finds the one he wants.]

Evil James: Ok, now the next guy I'm looking up is Hunchblack.

Art: You mean that humanoid subcreature?

Evil James: Yeah, that creature with the hump on his back.

Art: Is he like the Hunchback of Notre Dame?

Evil James: Yeah, but uglier. He looks like the bastard son of Jabba the Hutt and Norbit.

Art: OH MY GOD! I so have to see it!

Evil James: Ok, then watch this. I found a video of it.

[Art looks at the laptop as James clicks on the Youtube video link and it starts up.]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TkCeMz4q7rg

[After the video finishes, Art looks amazed.]

Art: Wow...that freaked me out.

Evil James: That was by far the coolest thing I've ever seen in my young life.

Art: I agree. That was a humanoid subcreature.

Evil James: Of course it was. It was the Hunchblack.

[Evil James starts looking up some more videos on an opponent. This time it's Uganda.]

Evil James: Now the next idiot I'm going to show you is Uganda.

Art: Uganda? The whole nation is in the match?

[Evil James stops clicking on the computer screen and turns to give Art a 'what the ****' look as he has no clue why he's doing it.]

Art: What?

[Evil James shakes his head and turns back to the computer screen to look up videos on
Youtube.]

Evil James: Dude, it's only one guy.

Art: Oh, okay.

Evil James: Here. Take a look at this idiot.

[Art looks at the laptop as James clicks on the Youtube video link and it starts up.]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I2pPe4Ejzs4

[Art just stands there and blinks as the video finishes up.]

Art: What the hell was that?

Evil James: That was Uganda.

Art: That was disturbing.

Evil James: I know. He has manboobs.

Art: Manboobs are Satanic.

Evil James: Of course.

[Evil James starts looking up videos on another one of his opponents. This time his victim is the Unknown Soldier.]

Evil James: This next dumbass is the Unknown Soldier. He is a masked idiot who thinks that this is some sort of UN Peacekeeping mission or something.

Art: What? Are you serious?

Evil James: Yeah, I am.

Art: So basically this match is you against a bunch of retards or something?

Evil James: Yeah, something like that. Check this video out of the Soldier.

[Art looks at the laptop as James clicks on the Youtube video link and it starts up.]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tho8jHoL7c0

[Art has a look of disbelief on his face as the video cuts off.]

Art: Are you serious? That guy is an actual wrestler?

Evil James: I know. I can't believe it either.

Art: Anyone else you're going to show me?

Evil James: Yeah, the champion Joe the Plumber.

Art: The champion is a guy called Joe the Plumber?

Evil James: Yeah, he is. And the mystery wrestler appears to be the Cloverfield monster.

Art: This match rules all.

Evil James: Of course it does because I'm in it.

[Evil James finds the video he is looking for.]

Evil James: Ok Art. Check out the champion.

Art: The plumber?

Evil James: Yeah, the plumber guy.

[Art looks at the laptop as James clicks on the Youtube video link and it starts up.]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4-UT8NCWek&feature=related

[Art starts laughing.]

Art: Those were great, dude. Find any more?

[Just then Evil James' comp freezes up.]

Evil James: GOD DAMMIT!

Art: What?

Evil James: ****ing FBI again.

Art: FBI's onto you or something?

Evil James: Yeah, they have been because of the Church.

Art: So now what?

Evil James: I'm going to their office tomorrow here in town to give them a piece of my mind.

[Evil James slams his laptop to a close and starts staring angrily at it as the scene fades out.]

Cut.

Evil James · Apr 23, 2008

Evil James - Going to FBI Headquarters in Vegas

04/23/08
Morning...

Ever since last night I've been a bit perturbed by the FBI's insistance of constantly following me, watching me, and harassing me so I've had it. They don't know who they're messing with. And they'll soon find out that my name isn't Evil James Varga for nothing.
So I drive over there to their offices with my buddy Art riding shotgun since he doesn't want to miss this. So I park the car once we get there and angrily go inside. We walk through the lobby and get to the front desk. The secretary is waring this ugly orange blouse that makes me want to vomit. Art is trying to keep from laughing.

"Where is Agent Howard Smith?" I snarl out with a scowl on my face.

"Why sir?" she asks with a smile.

"Because I would like to speak with him," I reply with a growl.

She then reaches over and grabs a book off her desk. She opens it up and starts scanning over time sheets or something. I can't tell from my vantage point.

"Well sir he's out of town on a big case," she replies with a smile.

I roll my eyes at this.

"Oh great." I reply in an exasperated tone. "Why would I expect anything else but this from the FBI? On a big case out of town. How wonderful. I bet it has something to do with the Church of the Unholy, does it not?"

She looks up and raises an eyebrow.

"Possibly," she replies in a hesistant tone.

I throw my arms up in disgust.

"GREAT!" I holler out. "I'm telling you lady, this is a complete conspiracy! The FBI is out to get me because my friends are complete idiots who are too dumb to cover their tracks."

"Well..." she stammers out.

I raise my eyebrow just like she did moments earlier just to be a smart ass.

"Did you just interrupt the Franchise of GCW, Evil James Varga?" I ask as she gets a bit apprehensive.

Art is clearly amused next to me. He's been trying to keep a straight face ever since we got in here.

"Well, I, umm..." she mumbles incoherently.

"This isn't rocket science, lady," I continue in a harsh tone. "I know what this is all about. They don't want me to win the NFW Television Championship Royale. I'm not dumb. I'm not stupid. I know one of my competitors is behind this because it's such a conspiracy.
They want me to job via no show because they all know that if I show up, I'll be throwing out people left and right. They'll all be sitting in the back cowering with fear. So, when that happens, I'll have to go in the back and DRAG them to the ring to eliminate them one by one. That is, of course, if they don't surrender on the way to the ring first."

"Sir, I have no idea what you are talking about," she says with a gulp.

"Do I frighten you, ma'm?" I ask with a devious grin.

She nods her head.

"Yes," she replies quietly.

"Well your outfit scares small children," I reply back as Art starts laughing next to me.

"Good one, dude," he says with a chuckle.

"Thanks," I reply back before turning my attention back to the secretary. "Well the NFW and the United States government had better get it through their heads. I will not be denied. I am Evil James and I will not be kept from my destiny by them or anybody else. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go back home and do some research on my opponents. Thank you for your time. And get some new clothes. You look like an extra from a MC Hammer music video."

I turn and head out the door with Art right behind me. He can't stop laughing once we reach outside.

"Awesomeness," he says with a laugh. "That was worth coming to see."
I smile deviously.

"You ain't seen nothing yet," I reply with a smirk. "These NFW people are gonna love me pretty soon. And you'll see why...if my net doesn't cut out again because of the FBI watching my net activities, that is."

We head for the car and get inside before driving back to my place to create more online chaos.

Cut.

renner · Apr 23, 2008

Telethon, Part II

Remember when I said that "Telethon" would be my only RP for this madness? I lied.

The city of Beefville: City of the Annoyed was mysterious in much the same way as it was a mystery whether or not Uwe Boll sucked at movies.

Truth be told, it was a city that either didn't exist, or maybe existed in the imagination of a bored computer programmer. Either way, even Steve Knox really didn't know how he got into the city, how he ended up in the Job Studio, or how he ended up hosting a telethon with the pretty, teenaged little sister of a bonafide wrestling legend. All he knew was that the cameras were on and he was flashing his fakey smile towards it again, much like Alexandria was. Steve and Alexandria were wearing the same clothes they were the last time they did this, as if this was filmed later in that same day, the only main difference was that Alexandria was now wearing a pair of flat-heeled shoes that didn't murder her feet.

STEVE KNOX: Welcome back to the Steve Knox For Television Champion Telethon!

ALEXANDRIA MALONE: We've had a remarkable turnaround since the last time, thanks in no small part due to the removal of the corruption within our ranks.

Cut to a hospital bed, with El Janito lying down in a full body cast.

EL JANITO: I can't feel my pancreas.

Cut back to fakey-smiling Steve Knox and Alexandria.

STEVE KNOX: Here at the Steve Knox For Television Champion Telethon, we encourage fair play and strength and honor and all of that good stuff. The problem is that... well, if I may be bold to say... I'm a lot more talented than probably everyone else in the match. Put together. With duct tape.

ALEXANDRIA MALONE: (amazed) Even duct tape?!

STEVE KNOX: Even duct tape.

Alexandria Malone was seemingly in awe.

STEVE KNOX: Now, let's face it, not everyone can be a three-time World champion like myself. Oh, and a three-time tag champion. And a two-time Evolutionary champion. And a soon-to-be NFW Television Champion. There are some people who don't even get half as far as myself. There are even some people who just don't go anywhere at all.

Beef raised his hand from the side of the camera.

BEEF: Yo!

Steve Knox blinked in Beef's direction, and then without looking at her, addressed Alexandria.

STEVE KNOX: (whispering) I thought you beat him into a coma.

ALEXANDRIA MALONE: (whispering) I thought I did, too.

STEVE KNOX: (talking normally) Anyway, the point is... I'm quite the talent. I'm significantly more than the average guy can handle, and even more than a match for the extraordinary. When I enter the battle royale at Wrestlestock, it'll be like if a category 5 hurricane just hit the wrestling ring. People will go flying out of the ring like a tornado just touched down. In the end, only I would be left standing, without even having broken a sweat.

Steve frowned at this point, as if this wasn't good enough for him.

STEVE KNOX: And let's face it, that's bad for business. People don't like to see a guy dominating the hell out of a match. They want to see competition. They want to see competitiveness. And they certainly want me to put 100% effort into this match, so I can't exactly hold back.

ALEXANDRIA MALONE: Umm... so what do you do?

STEVE KNOX: It's simple! I just need to divulge my weaknesses.

ALEXANDRIA MALONE: (incredulous) You what?

STEVE KNOX: If everyone knows, going in, what my weaknesses are, then the playing field would be slightly evened.

ALEXANDRIA MALONE: But isn't that, uh... isn't that counterproductive to your quest to become the TV champion, Steve?

STEVE KNOX: Oh, it would be, kitten. It would be. Buuuuuut... I dunno. I just feel like I need to be more... you know. Challenged, here. I mean, if I ran a marathon and all of my opponents were in crutches, then clearly, the best way to even the playing field would be if I were also in crutches. If I played basketball against kindergartners, I'd play by walking on my knees. And if I were trying to speak to James Varga, I'd have to remember to insert "durrrr" in the middle of half of the things I say, so that he can comprehend the words "I'm better than you". It's that simple!

ALEXANDRIA MALONE: ...Confident, aren't you?

Steve Knox only smiled at Alexandria, only this was a smile of confidence, rather than the fakey one he'd be flashing before.

STEVE KNOX: How can you win in matches like this and without being confident in yourself?

ALEXANDRIA MALONE: Ahhh, good point.

Steve turned to walk away from Alexandria for a bit, and signalled to whoever was working the lights to turn down all of the lights in the Job Studio except for a single spotlight that shone only on himself. He smiled his confident smile again as he faced the camera.

STEVE KNOX: Now, obviously, I've spoken a lot on how awesome I am, so now I'll turn it around. I'll speak a bit about my weak points. Granted, someone like me can't possibly have too many weak points, so let's start with what I know off the top of my head.

Steve crossed his arms and then looked up for a second, as if he were really thinking.

STEVE KNOX: In this business, (Steve looks straight at the camera) injuries are a thing you accept as part of your life. For example, I had a barbed wire match with Steven Silver about two years ago that gave me this scar...

Steve gestured at a small scarred line across his left forearm.

STEVE KNOX: ...these two scars here...

Steve gestured at two dots on the left side of his ribcage.

STEVE KNOX: ...and this guy here.

Steve pointed at the left side of his forehead, which has a somewhat noticable mark on it.

STEVE KNOX: A lot of stitches were needed that night. In my nine year career... (Steve starts counting on his hands) I've broken my left arm, broken my right leg, I've cracked a couple of ribs, had a concussion or two, (takes a breath) I've had my nose broken twice, I've had enough stitches over the course of my career to reach the hundreds, and I had a pinched nerve once. Wasn't very fun, I gotta say. Basically, I have quite a few points on my body that you can try to target. Good luck with that, by the way.

Steve Knox stared at the camera, as if someone was watching him that he didn't like too much.

STEVE KNOX: Another weakness I'm going to divulge is that I like the fans. I know, it's stupid to consider that as a weakness, but considering that a natural thing about people who claim to be "evil" is that they "don't give a crap about the fans", they'll see this as a sign of weakness. These are the same people who think cursing a lot will make them more like bad guys, but statements such as "you're a ****ing ****ty fairy faggot from ****ingfaggotland in the God Damn People's Republic of ****ing Faggots" just makes me look like I've got Tourette's. What these people don't realize is that without the fans, there'd be no wrestling. There'd be no people paying for your ridiculous fur coats or your jet planes. There'd be no way to settle your matters without running afoul of the law. There'd be no NFW. There'd be no TV title. There'd not even be a reason for me to host this telethon.

Steve frowned. The crowd at the telethon, which may or may not have actually existed, even booed this idea.

STEVE KNOX: Sorry, went off on a tangent there. My point is, I like to play to the crowd sometimes. I'm here for them. Some people see it as an unnecessary distraction. But I'm just too... dare I say, skilled... to find myself so distracted that I can't focus on a match.

Steve pressed on.

STEVE KNOX: One more weakness I have? I'm no mat wrestler. I'm not the guy who'll exchange holds with you. I'm not gonna go for a double leg takedown into a spinning toe hold. I'm not gonna creatively counter your armbar with twenty-three flips and a half-gainer. I'm gonna go in and suplex you out of your boots, and you're going to like it. ...Besides, I'm a guy in tights wrestling what will likely be a bunch of guys in tights. In ANY other profession, this might be considered illegal.

Steve thought about it for a minute, shuddered, and then completed his statement.

STEVE KNOX: Point is, I'm sure you can try to attack me on the ground. Just be sure you try that before I start kicking your ass, because I'm like Pringles. Once I pop a suplex, I can't stop.

The lights came back on, and Steve walked over to Alexandria with a smile on his face. He looked at the camera.

STEVE KNOX: I'll be greatly interested to see what you guys do with the information, but I tell you now... it won't do you much good.

ALEXANDRIA MALONE: For now, let's go to see how much we've made so far in our Telethon!

They walk to the left side of the studio, where a bunch of people sit by with telephones in hand.

One of the operators looked like he was wearing a pair of pants on his head, and he wore a shirt that said "MWF 4 EVER".

Steve Knox knew right off the bat not to talk to *that* guy.

Instead, he decided to talked to a relatively normal-looking guy.

STEVE KNOX: What's the word?

GUY: I've got good news and I've got bad news.

Steve Knox groaned. He hated it whenever someone made that statement.

STEVE KNOX: What's the good news?

GUY: You no longer owe fifty bucks.

STEVE KNOX: ...And the bad?

GUY: You're now broke.

Steve Knox turned to Alexandria, somewhat disappointed, who shrugged in turn.

ALEXANDRIA MALONE: At least you won't owe money?

STEVE KNOX: I wish NFW TV was available to more than just the state of Wisconsin...

Static.

Evil James · Apr 24, 2008

Evil James - Public Service Announcement

As a public service to the fans, I have looked up the pictures of ALL of the participants of this match to help you, the people, know who is who in this match. Just doing my part to help out the little people. Enjoy.
-Evil James

ORDER OF PARTICIPANTS:

1. The British Bomber
http://www.theimagefile.com/pub/1756/1892/756892.jpg

2.Cousin Vinny
http://www.fayez.com/movies/vinny2.jpg

3.Impulse
http://www.hillcity-comics.com/graphic_novels/dc/impulse_reckless_youth.jpg

4.Matt Johannson
http://www.petekoch.com/images/home/index_31.jpg

5. Evil James
http://www.aciprensa.com/Banco/images/jesus.jpg

6. Torch
http://www.jerryodom.com/images/human-torch.jpg

7. IROC
http://www.thirdgen.org/tech/images/gallery/1989ChevyCamaroIROC996chevy_sm.jpg

8. Brian Duncan
http://www.bsww.de/wrestler/bios/bobby-duncam.jpg

9. I Eat Plumbers
http://www.antarius.com/img/grimace.jpg

10. Lord Coyner Pollard
http://zakath-nath.joueb.com/images/beckett3.JPG

11. Andy Murray
http://www.tvstuffandmore.com/fiction/Full/Braveheart_MelGibson_brown_autographs.JPG

12.Cameron Cruise
http://www.fiftiesweb.com/tv/miami-vice-art-a.jpg

13. Hunchblack
http://www.starnet.aforo.com/sw/img/jabba1.jpg

14. Steve Knox
http://maniacjoe.com/products/1159_th.jpg

15. Phil Atken
http://www.gearlog.com/images/Cartman.jpg

16. Joe the Plumber (TELEVISION CHAMPION)
http://www.northernlightsembroidery.com/images/designs/Occupations/plumber.jpg

17. Mary-Lynn Mayweather
http://images.supersport.co.za/MayweatherFloyd051119InActionGbg.jpg

18. Eric Thompson
http://cache.wonkette.com/images/fred_thompson is a hottie.jpg

19. Dirk Dickwood
http://www.horrordvds.com/reviews/a-m/ghoulies12/ghoulies12_shot3l.jpg

20. Sars the Clown II
http://www.dvdtimes.co.uk/images/KevinGilvear/ILC6.jpg

21. The Unknown Soldier
http://www.wrestlingzone.ru/s/s_patriot.jpg

22. A.D.D.
http://msnbcmedia4.msn.com/j/msnbc/...70130/070127_VanillaIce91_hsmall.standard.jpg

23. Uganda
http://www.wrestlingzone.ru/s/s_kamala.jpg

24. almasyDEATH
http://www.mandyscosplay.com/seymour/seymour01.jpg

25. ?????
http://www.gearcritech.com/images2/2007.07/update26_cloverfield.jpg

Evil James · Apr 24, 2008

Evil James - AIM Interview Session #1

A special AIM Interview Session with Evil James Varga

Interviewer: Chuck Norris

FatSunny86 (6:42:13 PM): Chuck Norris
TionebCOTU (6:42:17 PM): lol
FatSunny86 (6:42:19 PM): no relation
TionebCOTU (6:42:28 PM): Ok, Chuck Norris. What questions do you have for Evil James today?
TionebCOTU (6:42:54 PM): What do you have to ask about the NFW TV Title Royale and my feeble minded opponents in it?
FatSunny86 (6:43:16 PM): Hey now, I'm the one doing the question around here, don't make me get physical!
TionebCOTU (6:43:35 PM): Don't make me get physical with your *****, buddy.
FatSunny86 (6:43:49 PM): You don't know anything about my dog!
TionebCOTU (6:43:50 PM): I'll give her a compound fracture of the vagina.
TionebCOTU (6:44:05 PM): Dog? Your girlfriend's a dog?
FatSunny86 (6:44:22 PM): That's right, I like the K-9 breed
TionebCOTU (6:44:48 PM): Ok, cool. Now to the actual interview where I talk **** about people who are going to lose to me in the Royale.
FatSunny86 (6:45:25 PM): What do you plan to do with Eirc Johnson? After all, he's known to be quite the *****.
TionebCOTU (6:46:03 PM): Eric Thompson? What a whore. I hear he ran for president and lost
TionebCOTU (6:46:16 PM): And his wife is like 30 years younger than him and has fake tits
FatSunny86 (6:46:41 PM): The thing is Evil James, he himself is 30, does that mean he ****s baby's?
TionebCOTU (6:47:20 PM): Of course. He's a member of the FLDS compund in Texas. They like to marry them when they are fetuses.
FatSunny86 (6:47:50 PM): Those are some harsh accusations Evil James... Anything to say to the champ that will be in the match?
TionebCOTU (6:48:33 PM): Joe the Plumber? Yeah. He likes to show crack to get pipe just like I said earlier. I think the only thing he likes to plunge is cocks out of guy's pants.
TionebCOTU (6:48:40 PM): Or so I've heard.
TionebCOTU (6:49:03 PM): My stooges...I mean, associates found that out from some Gay Pride marchers last month.
FatSunny86 (6:49:51 PM): What were they doing in Gay Pride Parade?
TionebCOTU (6:50:02 PM): Going under cover.
TionebCOTU (6:50:22 PM): However, I went undercover with their girlfriends while they were gone. Threesomes rule.
TionebCOTU (6:50:33 PM): Two females at once is any guy's dream.
FatSunny86 (6:51:04 PM): Is there anybody in the match that you believe that would not be their fantasy dream?
TionebCOTU (6:51:54 PM): Honestly, I think they all are living in a fantasy world. See, they think they can win against me. However, they do not realize that I'm in a different plane of existence then they all are.
TionebCOTU (6:52:04 PM): I am a higher order being than them.
TionebCOTU (6:52:55 PM): Besides, I'm the only one in the match with an IQ over 80 so that is why I am on another plane. Or, in this class, I'm in Honors classes while everyone else is in Special Ed classes. There's a difference.
TionebCOTU (6:53:04 PM): And that difference will help me dominate this match.
FatSunny86 (6:53:40 PM): Oh, I have another question for you, what's your favorite color?
TionebCOTU (6:54:21 PM): Crimson. Crimson as in the blood that I will spill in this match. I will enjoy seeing my favorite color splattered all over the mat like some horror movie.
FatSunny86 (6:54:38 PM): Mine is blue
TionebCOTU (6:55:28 PM): What the **** does this have to do anything? What next? Are you going to ask me what my favorite food is or something? Oy vay.
FatSunny86 (6:56:04 PM): I heard some lady was texting you some pretty odd questions, will that effect you in your next match?
TionebCOTU (6:56:50 PM): It will effect me in no way whatsoever. She has not contacted me in six days so I am forever rid of that psycho hosebeast.
FatSunny86 (6:57:15 PM): (I have an idea)
FatSunny86 (6:58:13 PM): (Can I suddenly rip off my face, to reveal I am the crazy texting girl?)
TionebCOTU (6:58:34 PM): lmfao
TionebCOTU (6:58:43 PM): This is the best interview ever, Chuck.
FatSunny86 (6:59:35 PM): The name is not Chuck, it is Crazy Texting Girl *He reaches under his chin, and rips off a mask, to reveal a buck tooth girl with no oustanding features at all*
TionebCOTU (6:59:51 PM): *kills you*
FatSunny86 (7:00:07 PM): What is your favorite way to have sex with murdered bodies?
TionebCOTU (7:00:31 PM): I don't do that. However, I can give you AXEL Action's number. He loves tha necrophelia ****.
FatSunny86 (7:01:01 PM): I don't like AXEL, he doesn't like apple juice.
TionebCOTU (7:01:15 PM): That's because he's a dumbass.
FatSunny86 (7:01:34 PM): Oh, that's cool... What is your favorite microwave food?
TionebCOTU (7:01:52 PM): Dear lord. Uh, food.
FatSunny86 (7:02:27 PM): Oh, hold on "The un-attractive lady gets on her cell phone and begins to text somebody*
TionebCOTU (7:03:01 PM): *looks around for a shotgun*
FatSunny86 (7:03:20 PM): *suddenly Evil Jame's cell phone begins to make a noise*
TionebCOTU (7:03:29 PM): Ignore.
FatSunny86 (7:03:46 PM): *She shouts at James* Answer your phone!
TionebCOTU (7:04:24 PM): *Psycho movie theme playing from his cell phone*
TionebCOTU (7:04:45 PM): *continues to ignore phone*
FatSunny86 (7:05:03 PM): Answer it! I want to know what holiday you like the most!
TionebCOTU (7:05:24 PM): It's just music to me, lady. Any other questions regarding the match?
FatSunny86 (7:05:46 PM): Yeah, do you plan on winning?
TionebCOTU (7:06:28 PM): Of course I do. I have to. I have to prove a point. And that point is that the Year of Varga has begun and everyone will feel my wrath.
FatSunny86 (7:06:52 PM): What is your favorite wrestling move?
TionebCOTU (7:07:21 PM): My finisher
FatSunny86 (7:07:39 PM): But you only use it once in every match, how can that be your favorite?
TionebCOTU (7:08:30 PM): Because it causes the most damage. I like to hurt people.
FatSunny86 (7:08:54 PM): Isn't that mean?
TionebCOTU (7:08:59 PM): Yes it is.
TionebCOTU (7:09:05 PM): I'm one mean mother ****er.
FatSunny86 (7:09:36 PM): Does your mother apperciate that?
TionebCOTU (7:10:01 PM): No
TionebCOTU (7:10:12 PM): Let me rephrase that. Hell ****ing no.
FatSunny86 (7:10:34 PM): What grades did you get in school?
TionebCOTU (7:11:02 PM): Nobody gives a **** about that. What they care about is me kicking people's asses.
TionebCOTU (7:11:15 PM): That's why they pay the money to see me wrestle.
FatSunny86 (7:11:46 PM): We already talked about the match though... You don't think people care about your grades?
TionebCOTU (7:12:00 PM): Are you insane?
TionebCOTU (7:12:09 PM): Hell ****ing no they don't. They could care ****ing less.
FatSunny86 (7:12:51 PM): But I care, do you think others may care, after all, some teachers may be in the crowd
TionebCOTU (7:14:09 PM): They dont care. All they want is blood and guts. So do you have any more questions about the match or what?
FatSunny86 (7:14:59 PM): Do you think the wrestlers will curly hair have an advantage over straight haired wrestlers?
TionebCOTU (7:15:13 PM): I think they all suck equally.
FatSunny86 (7:15:26 PM): Will your hair be straight or curly in the match?
TionebCOTU (7:15:58 PM): Are you insane?
TionebCOTU (7:16:10 PM): Did you escape like the Chief in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest?
FatSunny86 (7:16:55 PM): No, I only watch romantic comedies.
FatSunny86 (7:17:22 PM): Do you think your opponents enjoy romantic comedies?
TionebCOTU (7:17:55 PM): Yes because they are all closet homosexuals except for Mary-Lynn who is, in fact, a closet lesbian.
FatSunny86 (7:18:40 PM): Oh, that's cool. What else do you think of Mary-Lynn?
TionebCOTU (7:19:08 PM): I think she sucks more than Paris Hilton with a camera on.
FatSunny86 (7:19:20 PM): Will the event be taped?
TionebCOTU (7:19:38 PM): Yes, of course it will. It's a big event. Wrestlestock, one of the biggest events anywhere.
TionebCOTU (7:19:44 PM): And I'm proud to be a part of it.
FatSunny86 (7:19:54 PM): Will I be in the event?
TionebCOTU (7:20:07 PM): No
TionebCOTU (7:20:14 PM): I have a restraining order, remember?
TionebCOTU (7:20:24 PM): You can't be within 100 miles of me.
FatSunny86 (7:20:41 PM): Am I going to be arrested?
TionebCOTU (7:20:52 PM): Probably.
TionebCOTU (7:20:58 PM): If you keep being a ****tard, yes.
FatSunny86 (7:21:21 PM): In that case, I do not have anymore questions
TionebCOTU (7:21:50 PM): Ok, cool. Thank you for the interview "Chuck." I'm sure the fans of NFW will enjoy it.
TionebCOTU (7:21:56 PM): Plus I'm in it too, so that helps.
FatSunny86 (7:22:06 PM): Good luck at Starrcade.
TionebCOTU (7:22:14 PM): Wrestlestock
FatSunny86 (7:22:32 PM): Super Brawl Sunday?
TionebCOTU (7:22:44 PM): Laters Chuckie Cheese.

Evil James · Apr 24, 2008

Evil James - Local News Station Interview

Live at KLAS Studios on Las Vegas, Nevada
Interviewer: Rick Parker

Parker: Tonight we have a special guest. Thank you Mr. Varga for sitting down with us tonight.

Evil James: Thank you for having me.

Parker: First Question. Recently politicians have made statements to wriestling fans on television. Did you see or hear about this?

Evil James: **** politicians. All they do is lie and get bribed by special interests. Hell, I've bribed many female politicians using only my cock.

Parker: Wow. Okay. So if You was elected to run the country what would be your first action?

Evil James: First thing I would do is pull the troops out of Iraq. That is money not being well spent. We're in a recession. Why the hell are we wasting money on a war when we need the money here? **** that. So thats what I would do. Troop pull out. Then economic and illegal immigration reforms would be soon to follow.

Parker: ... You are the real james Varga right?

Evil James: Of course I am. What other James Varga is there?

Parker: No other one, I was just, expecting a diffrent answer, like turn the country into a dictatorship or somthing.

Evil James: It already is under a dictatorship. Caesar Bush is already pulling that off quite well.

Parker: Okay moveing along. Recently you and your partner have been having issues in GCW. Mainly lashing out against the GCW champions. Why?

Evil James: Why? Because they are inferior to our greatness. Why haven't we had a title match? It's a complete conspiracy! It's all against us! We are so scary that no one wants to face us. Instead, they all cower in fear in the back just like the champs do.

Parker: Well what about the Rebel Express.

Evil James: What about'em? They are cousins. They married their sisters. I bet they have
sex with animals too. They are sick. I'm telling you, they are freaky Southern bastards.

Parker: BUt there is a rumor on the internet that Axel likes the animals too.

Evil James: Of course he does. He's a freaky bastard. He has sex with anything that has more than one leg.

Parker: Okay.... umm moveing on. There has been a gaining of respect for You and Axels in ring ablities. What are your thoughts on that?

Evil James: Well, to be honest, I think it's just a fad. We're like the New Kids on the Block to these people. They don't respect us. They fear us, as well they should. I would fear us too if I was them.

Parker: Okay so as a team you and Axel gel well together and look to take the GCW tag divison by a iron grip. So why branch out in single's competition?

Evil James: Because I can do it all. See, that's what sets me apart from a lot of people. I can do both. That's why I am the best there is. Put me in any situation and I can succeed.

Parker: You indeed do have alot of experience. Recently we have seen you go from Darth Varga to Evil James Varga why the change?

Evil James: Because I am no longer a robot. On the outside that is. Under this skin it's just circuitry and wires.

Parker: Ha funny one. Well now for the fun Word association. Caldera?

Evil James: Slave master.

Parker: GCW?

Evil James: Chaos.

Parker: TEAM?

Evil James: Invitational Tournament.

Parker: Almasy?

Evil James: Midgar.

Parker: Tessa?

Evil James: Boobies.

Parker: Vivica?

Evil James: Vagina.

Parker: Jay Terror?

Evil James: Sell out.

Parker: Axel Action?

Evil James: Insane.

Parker: Banned And Exiled~!?

Evil James: Sitting ducks.

Parker: Okay. So now, We move on to a few other questions. Rumor is you have a stalker. Is this true?

Evil James: Not anymore. I ignored her until she got it through her head that she ain't getting none of this so she went back to the cave where she came from and left me alone. Until she came back earlier today, that is, and tried to interview. Psycho *****. *shakes head*

Parker: okay... I umm have no more questions, and it is umm time for me to go to bed. Thanks Varga. Ohh yeah. How come you never signed my Circus of Doom shirt!

Evil James: Because I'm a lazy ****. Thanks for the interview Parker.

Cut.

Evil James · Apr 24, 2008

Evil James - AIM Interview Session #2

A second Special AIM Interview Session with Evil James Varga

Interviewer: Marck Summerall

xXxjuggalo316xXx (11:12:37 PM): Marck Summerall.
TionebCOTU (11:13:41 PM): Cool Marck
TionebCOTU (11:14:04 PM): So what questions do you and the rest of the infantile internet community have for Evil James today?
xXxjuggalo316xXx (11:14:50 PM): Well, James, for starters, could you explain exactly where the Church of the Unholy came from?
TionebCOTU (11:15:27 PM): It came from the underside of my balls. Seriously, it was an ancient Church created over a thousand years ago. It's been alive ever since.
xXxjuggalo316xXx (11:20:42 PM): Ah, there's that sarcastic with that we've come to know and love. Tell me, what is the relationship between yourself and AXEL Action? How'd you two come to know each other?
TionebCOTU (11:21:55 PM): Well AXEL was a guy I used to hate. Me and him tried to kill each other about ten times in the past. He almost got me with a pitchfork the other night. That was back in the UWF. Or as I call it, the Before Time, in the Long, Long Ago.
xXxjuggalo316xXx (11:26:53 PM): Ah, I see. The fans would like to know, what is your beef with Banned and Exiled?
TionebCOTU (11:27:56 PM): My beef is simple. They suck. We rule. Thay have the gold that we desire. So therefore they are holding what rightfully belongs to us. So, this is what we're going to do. We're going to kick their teeth down their throats until we have our gold. That is what we will do.
xXxjuggalo316xXx (11:37:10 PM): Some people seem to think you're an Evel Dick copycat. Is there any truth to this rumor?
TionebCOTU (11:38:07 PM): There is no truth to it. He is just the coolest mother ****er on the planet. I cannot compare to his awesomeness.
xXxjuggalo316xXx (11:38:31 PM): With that being said, I have one final question. What does the future hold for the Church of the Unholy?
TionebCOTU (11:40:15 PM): I have no idea but I honestly think my partner is the Psycho Vigilante Killer from Predator 2. Seriously, we are the future of GCW. So everybody had best get ready for the Age of the UNHOLY to be unleashed. And also the NFW as well when I win the TV Championship there in the 25-wrestler Battle Royale.
xXxjuggalo316xXx (11:46:50 PM): Thank you for your time, and may luck be on your side.
TionebCOTU (11:47:07 PM): Thank you. The pleasure was all yours.

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