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Yep, more E Midget crap ...

Calamity Jon

League Member
Jan 1, 2000
(FADEIN to a video montage on a black screen, The "Fanfare For The Common Man" by Aaron Copeland is playing as slow-motion images float across the black background in slow procession, all under the voice-over of "BEHIND THA LINES" CALVANO B RUBINO ...)

Ru (v/o) "Some have called these heah men the greatest entertainahs on Earth. F(BLEEP)ing right they are, you retahded (BLEEP)damn hunks a'vomit! Theah RU'S CREW, the finest performahs of the last twenty ... five ... twenty-five ... fifty ... HUNDRED AND FIFTY YEARS OF SPOAHTS ENTERTAINMENT! They are mastah technicians like CAPTAIN INCOMPARABLE (An image floats by of the Captain and hatchet Hernandez drunkenly beating the E Midget), they are charismatic supahstahs like HATCHET HERNANDEZ (The exact same clip, made a mirror image, as can be told by the resiewduB logo on the cooler which held the E Midget), veritable monstahs like TACO THA CHILEAN GIANT (an image floats by of Taco fighting with a wild-haired Samoan man for a raw fish) and inhumanly strong soopa-humans like POWAH MASTAH (an image floating by of Power Master spazzing on the ropes). Oh, and then THA BIG CALBOWSKI (a HUGE image of Vanni Ru occupying the entire screen, his rat-like face surrounded by Virgin of Guadalupe milagros ...), tha brains of tha operation, and the reason that Ru's Crew STILL remains undefeated, cause I checked and it turns out the matches at the TV Title Tournament don't count, it's in the rule book, trust me..."

Ru: (v/o): "And now, the Ru's Crew family introduces it's newest membah. He, like his pahtnahs, represents the pinnacle of this competition, the strength of conviction and mighty skill that separates a mere competitah from .. .a champion!

(CUTTO Ru standing in front of a paper wall, holding a microphone and talkign excitedly. This appears to have been filmed on a handheld camcorder)

Ru: "May I present to you, the next future NFW Champion ta come from the talent mill that IS Ru's Crew ... "LOLLIPOP" LILLIPUT GUILDER!"

(A dwarf in a Lollipop Guild costume - a la Wizard of Oz - bursts through the paper wall, but missteps and takes a tumble, which causes his green bowler to come flying off. He stands up and brushes off his green-checkered jodphurs, and kicks at the floor with his pointy-toed boots. Adjusting his cellophane collar, he makes as if to sing something, but stops)

Lollipop: "Seriously, this is gay. You REALLY mean to make me do this?"

Ru: "DO IT! Do the song just like I taught ya! Don't forget ta emphasize that word!"

Lollipop: (He breathes deeply, dancing along and singing the following to the tune of "Lollipop Guild") "Sometimes I drink a LITTLE beer, sometimes I make a LITTLE mess, sometimes I get a LITTLE angry, sometimes I kick a LITTLE - Oh, this is just demeaning to my people."

Ru: "What, the people of Oz?"

Lollipop: "Hey, f(BLEEP) you, you ... enormous retard (ru scrunches his brow and mouths the words, as though they seem strangely familiar)! Do you really expect us to put up with bigoted, derogatory bullsh(BLEEP)t like this? Listen, my people are doctors, lawyers, businessmen and scientists! We're not all leprechauns and ewoks and freaking evil MINI-ME's, okay? We're REAL PEOPLE with REAL LIVES, REAL HOPES, and REAL DESIRES, who just HAPPEN to suffer from a congenital birth disorder which changes the way our bodies grow! And juvenile crap like this demeaning little stunt is nothing more than the product of sick, sad little minds who have to denigrate others to feel better about themselves! You make me sick."

Ru: (smirking) "Just a LITTLE sick, though, right? HAHA!"

Lollipop: "You know what I wanted to be when I was a kid? A sports star. I LOVE playing sports, but when it comes to finding a way to prove myself in a major arena, all doors are closed to me. There's no room for little people in football, in soccer, in basketball or hockey. There's only ONE sport which opens its arms to people of short stature, and that's professional wrestling! So I came here, and I find that the only way the door is open to me is if i dress like a F(BLEEP)ING LEPRECHAUN?"

Ru: "Munchkin."

Lollipop: "F YOU! When will you bigots stop seeing us as one-dimensional toys for your amusement? I have a wife and two kids, I teach astronomy at the Parks and Rec Center, I BAKE MY OWN PIES! I have a LIFE, I'm a REAL HUMAN BEING, I have interests and hobbies, why can't you judge me on those grounds? Judge me on my knowledge of Greek Tragedies, on the work I do on our Neighborhood Watch program, by my love for sports! I play basketball, you know!"

Ru: "Really? (pause) I bet you suck."

Lollipop: "That's it, I'm out of here."

Ru: (frantically, kneeling down beside Lollipop): "No no no! You CAN'T go! See, see, I ... (he looks around) See, I figured it out. I need to create and elevate a midget superstar in the ranks of New Frontier Wrestling, to bring honor and respect to all midgets everywhere! Then and ONLY THEN will the midget ghost who was killed by two alcoholic psychopaths I employed stop haunting me in my nightmares! I DON'T SLEEP AT NIGHT ANY MORE! This is my only hope, and YOU MUST BE MY MIDGET SUPAHSTAH!!!!"

Lollipop: (pause) "First off, I'm a dwarf, not a midget. Secondly, f(bleep) you."

(Lollipop kicks Ru inna nertz, dropping Ru to his knees in tremendous pain. Lollipop walks out over Ru's back, and disappearing through the torn paper wall. Ru winces his face in terrible pain as the camera CUs on his horrible visage. With a start, he opens his eyes as he hears mocking, ghostly laughter, followed by an echoey "EEeee." His eyes dart from side to side as the laughter continues and the camera FTB ...)

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