(CUE UP: Droney music by the band Sunn O))) -- yess, that is the band name. Don't forget the parentheses. We fade in within one of the many rooms of torture at the Keep of Eternal Darkness... which consequentially looks like a medieval racquetball court. In the Carpathian Mountains, apparently, it is customary to play on a steel surface using a net made of barbed wire.)
(SFX: *THWOCK!! THWOCK!! THWOCK!!* And instead of using tennis rackets and little rubber balls, you apparently use axes and severed human heads.)
(SFX: *THWOCK!!* The Dreaded Devourer known as MAGNUS DESTRUCTO takes a hefty swing with his butterfly-bladed hatchet, sending the disembodied head floating over the mesh net of wire and dried entrails. Waiting on the other side is his concubine, Dominatra Bozoth, who SHRIEKS with bloodthirsty excitement as the head takes a sickening, wet bounce off the steel and meets her hatchet dead on, sending it careening back over the net of nightmares.)
(The shot is quite accurate, and Destructo isn't quick enough to receive the volley. Point, Bozoth.)
Dominatra Bozoth
HAHAHAHA!!!
Magnus Destructo
OH SATAN-DAMNIT!! IT'S THIS STUPID SHORT HATCHET!!
(In a fit of rage, he TWIRLS AROUND and THROWS the hatchet, lumberjack style, as hard as he can at the near wall. In a brief flash of sparks, it EMBEDS itself into the black stone walls, mere inches from the head of Dulak the Defiler, who meekly stares back at his own frightened reflection in the blade that could have split his head twain if he were standing just a bit more to his right.)
Magnus Destructo
DULAK, YOU VILE WORM!! YOUR MASTER DEMANDS YOU FIND HIM A BETTER AXE!!
Dulak the Defiler
Y-your desire is my will, Lord Magnus!
(The whipping boy scampers off -- running straight into the girth of the blob named Gollomach as he enters the room. Knowing full well of the consequences of being even half a second later than what the master desires, Dulak quick cuts around the moving man-mountain and disappears further into the keep.)
Magnus Destructo
GOLLOMACH!! FETCH ME A NEW HEAD!! ONE THAT IS A LITTLE FATTER THAN THE REST!!
(At his word, the goon reaches over and pulls the discarded hatchet from the wall.)
Gollomach
By your command, sire...
(He waddles further down the wall to the row of random victims currently chained there. Fortunately, one is left with its head in tact. He appears to be a mail carrier, based on the blue uniform and the bag hanging around his shoulder. He looks absolutely petrified as the massive Gollomach comes looming over him with a hatchet in hand.)
Mail Carrier
Oh, Christ in heaven, PLEASE don't kill me! I just came to deliver this LETTER to you guys! I won't tell anybody what I saw... HONEST!!
(Piquing his interest, Gollomach reaches into the mail man's bag and finds the one with the NLW seal in the corner. He brings it to the impatiently pacing Magnus Destructo, brow furrowing beneath his studded leather sweat band.)
Gollomach
This missive came for you, sire.
Magnus Destructo
I DEMAND YOU BRING ME A HEAD, AND INSTEAD YOU GIVE ME A LETTER?!
Gollomach
My humble apologies sire. The letter bore the Mark of the Next Level... and therefore, I misjudged your great and all-encompassing priorities.
Magnus Destructo
DID YOU SAY THE MARK OF THE NEXT LEVEL?!
(Magnus rips the letter out of his servants hand and proceeds to rip it open. As he reads it, Gollomach attempts to peer in and catch a glimpse... but Destructo nods him off, and he immediately turns and goes back to his originally intended order. Joining the Baron of Brutality is Bozoth, eager to know what's up.)
Dominatra Bozoth
What news does it bring, Glorious One?!
Magnus Destructo
IT IS NEWS OF MY NEXT VICTIM, MY DARK SIREN!! HE COMES FROM THE SAME LAND WHERE WE GET OUR GUINEA PIG FILM COLLECTION!!
Dominatra Bozoth
Ha! At least we can expect him to be SICK and SADISTIC... unlike that twerp, John Johnson!
(SFX: *CHOP!!* We can hear somebody scream off screen.)
Magnus Destructo
AH, BUT THIS IS NO TWERP!! THIS MAN -- THIS YUTAKA MAEDA... HE IS A MAMMOTH LIKE MYSELF!! I FEEL THAT JOHN JOHNSON WAS MERELY A SMALL FISH IN AN OCEAN OF SHARKS AND WHALES!!
BUT THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE LEVIATHAN THAT REIGNS SUPREME OVER THE BLACK OCEAN OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING!!
SOON, HE WILL COME TO REALIZE THAT MAGNUS DESTRUCTO IS THE BIGGEST AND THE BEST IN NEXT LEVEL WRESTLING!!
(Gollomach returns with the severed head of the mail carrier.)
Gollomach
Your fresh head, sire.
Magnus Destructo
HA HA, PERFECT!! NOW WHERE IS THAT FILTHY WORM AND MY AXE?!
(As if on cue, Dulak comes hurrying back into the frame with a huge war-axe with fan blades on the end. It's heavy enough that he has to carry it with both hands with the heavy end dragging on the groun.)
Dulak the Defiler
Right here, Dark Lord!
(Destructo's malicious hands strike out like pythons grasping rodents, one seizing the head and casting it aloft while the other grabs the long axe by the hilt and swings away, throwing Dulak off into the corner and forcing both Gollomach and Dominatra to duck in order to prevent immediate and painful decapitation. Instead, the baseball swing hits the head with the sickening THWOCK, sending it splattering through the cathedral glass windows of devil worshipping.)
Magnus Destructo
GGRRAAAARGGGHH!!!!
(Laughing maniacally as an evil dominant overlord would, Magnus Destructo and his leather-bound cohorts cackle in their pompous and malicious intents as the camera goes to black.)