[CUE UP: "Imperial March" - Rage Against the Machine. A video montage plays, featuring smoke-wreathed images of various wrestlers, some of them leaving blurred trails as they move. 

CUT TO: Christian Sands hitting the Sand Blaster on an unknown opponent. 

CUT TO: Karl Brown nailing someone with the Dragon's Bite. 

CUT TO: Jonathan Marx slapping an intense STF on an unknown individual. 

CUT TO: Adam Benjamin knocking the absolute bejesus out of an opponent with a shining wizard. 

CUT TO: The Crimson Calling destroying their opponent with a Crimson Crasher. 

CUT TO: Beast delivering a high impact Tiger Driver '91 to an unnamed man. 

CUT TO: Dan Ryan, an evil grin on his face, stomping his massive frame towards the camera. 

CUTTO: With a clash of metal, a logo slams across the screen, its edges flickering.]

[Cut to the ramp, where a wreath of pyro explodes around the EmpireTron and several bomblike, smoky explosions ripple about the entry way. The camera zooms in on the screen as the pyro finally peters out, then blurs to roving shots of the roaring crowd as a small banner in the corner briefly appears to proclaim that EPW is broadcast en Espanol. Various signs are visible in the crowd: "BEAST, BE MY ALPHA MALE!", "Cruisin' For A Bruisin'", "Sexual Harassment Sands", "Adam Benjamin Is The Coolest", "TYRONE WALKER NEEDS TO GO UNION", "How Do You Pronounce Aodhan, Anyway?", "HEY, JOHN DOE, REMEMBER ME?", and finally, "DOWN WITH EPW! DOWN WITH POOR TREATMENT OF WOMEN!" The last message is actually on several picket signs being held by a bunch of women's rights activists in the lower bowl.] 

[Cut to ringside, where Dave Thomas and Mike Neely sit at the broadcast booth. Neely is leafing through the latest edition of Playboy, a lecherous grin on his face. The crowd is still roaring.] 

DT: This may be the Ice Palace, but it's red-hot here in Tampa tonight! Welcome, everybody, to Empire Pro Wrestling's Aggression! I'm Dave Thomas, and with me as always is the incorrigible Mike Neely! 

MN: Ohhhhh mama. Nine pictorials and I still don't get tired of Pam. 

DT: Er, Mike, this is a family show. 

MN: Oh, come on. I'm not showing the camera the pictures. THEY'RE ALL MINE!!! 

DT: You're a pervert, do you know that? 

MN: I know. Our World Champion has taught me well. Mweeheehee. 

DT: I suppose that's true. Folks, if you weren't with us last week, we were all horrified to see Christian Sands lay out Beast and sexually harass Beast's companion Lindsay Troy. I have a strong feeling that there'll be hell to pay tonight. 

MN: If Beast knows what's good for him he'll go hide in his cave and let Troy run to Sands. You know she wants to. 

DT: That's horrible, Mike. 

MN: Is not. She SO wants him. She's just playing hard-to-get. 

DT: What?! 

MN: It's true! 

DT: No it's not! She hates him! 

MN: Suuuuuuuuuure she does. 

DT: *sigh* Let's go down to the ring for our first match before certain color commentators rage out of control. Take it away, Tony Fatora!

TONY FATORA: Th' following contest is scheduled for one fall! 

[The arena is bathed in darkness seconds before "Rainmaker" blares out, causing a cascade of green and white lights to flicker across the arena in time to the music and pyro to explode from the side of the stage. With the first words, Karl steps through the curtains, looking around at the crowd. He high-fives fans either side of the aisle, stopping for autographs along the way, as he walks to the ring. Circles the ring once, then vaults over the top rope, standing on the second rope, arms aloft, saluting the fans on each side of the ring, before waiting in the centre of the ring for his opponent.] 

TONY FATORA: Introducing first... He hails from Nottingham, England... He weighs in at two hundred and eleven pounds... KARRRRRRRRRRRRL... BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN!!! 

[Cue up: "One Armed Man (Play On)" - Project 86. The crowd offers a few halfhearted cheers as Stephen Waltz strolls to the ring. A moment later, the fans begin singing: "NA NA NA NA, HEY-EYYY, GOOD-BYE, NA NA NA... NA NA NA NA, HEY-EYYY, GOOD-BYE, NA NA NA". Frickin' smarks.] 

TONY FATORA: And his opponent... He hails from Kokomo, Indiana... He weighs in at two hundred and forty-four pounds... STEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPHENNNNNNNNNNN... WAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLTZ!!! 

DT: This crowd is all over Waltz for some reason. 

MN: (snarky) I bet they read something on the Internet about him. 

DT: Well, you can't believe everything you read on the Internet. 

[SFX: *DINGDINGDING* - Bell rings.] 

[Waltz and Brown circle for a moment. However, Waltz stops and glares out at the crowd, who are still singing at him. Finally, he locks up with Brown, who surprises the Kokomo native with a go-behind and a double-leg takedown. Brown jimmies into position for a headlock, but Waltz fights to the ropes and rolls out of the ring, staring at the young Englishman.] 

DT: Looks like Brown caught Waltz off-guard there! 

MN: Come on, how can Waltz stay focused with these idiots singing at him? 

DT: Good point. I think these fans are getting to Waltz, who's used to strong fan support. 

[Slowly, Waltz slides back into the ring. He and Brown tie-up again. Waltz takes Brown over with a fireman's carry, but Brown comes out on his feet in a matrix position, kipping back up and taking Waltz down with a flipping armbar. The sequence draws applause from the crowd. Waltz fights to the ropes, and Brown breaks the hold. Frustration touches Waltz's face as he comes to his feet.] 

DT: Waltz is definitely off his game right now, Mike. These fans are definitely getting under his skin. 

MN: He's PISSED! I've never seen him mad before! 

[Again Brown and Waltz move to lock up, but Waltz has other plans: He drills Brown in the gut with a knee and slugs him down to the canvas. Scowling, Waltz pushes Brown into a corner and hammers away. The crowd boos him. After a few punches, Waltz glares out at the crowd in disbelief and anger, then stomps a mudhole in Brown. The referee tries to break it up, but Waltz yells at him and begins choking Brown with his boot.] 

DT: Stephen Waltz is in a rage! He's so frustrated that he's going to take it all out on Karl Brown in a manner more aggressive than anything I've seen from him- 

[Without warning, the lights fall and strobelights kick in. Cue up: "X Gonna Give It To Ya" - DMX. A slim black man in cargo pants and a skullcap appears at the head of the ramp, a chair wrapped in barbed wire gripped in his hand. Quickly, the stranger stalks down the ramp and rolls into the ring.] 

DT: Wait a minute, that's Empire Pro's newest talent, the man known as X! 

MN: Bro... that chair's crazy, man. Barbed wire AND a chair. Ouch. 

[Waltz breaks away from Brown and steps out of the corner, staring at X. X stares back, smiling faintly. He lifts the chair... then whirls and DECKS the now-recovered Karl Brown with a shot to the face! The official immediately signals to the timekeeper.] 

[SFX: *DINGDINGDING* - Bell rings!] 

DT: NO! X JUST LEVELED KARL BROWN WITH THAT BARBED WIRE CHAIR!!! BROWN'S BEEN CUT OPEN!!! 

MN: WHAT THE HELL?! 

DT: The referee's thrown out the match! 

TONY FATORA: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the match by disqualification... KAAAAARLLLLLLL... BROOOOOOOOOOWN!!!