DT: I don't understand what Tyrone Walker's problem is. Why exactly is he so disgruntled?
MN: Who cares? He's cool. He's got Jedi powers. Don't mess with him, or he'll blaster-whip you faster than you can say Darth Vader!
DT: More like Han Solo.
MN: Huh?
DT: Darth Vader doesn't carry a blaster. Han Solo does.
MN: I wouldn't know, Burgerman. I'm not a DORK like you. I bet you like Mr. Spock, too.
DT: Shut up! The original Star Trek is a great show.
MN: If you like William Shatner. But... Dave you must... use... the Force. The Prime Di... rective is... that... Mike Neely is cooler than... Dave... Thomas.
DT: There are days when I hate you.
MN: Why how... could you say... such a thing to... me?
DT: Easily. In any case, folks, this next match features two of the hottest teams in Empire Pro Wrestling in a qualifying match, as the Black Thunder-
MN: BOO! HISS!
DT: - battle the tandem of Golem and X-Ecutioner.
MN: Gyeeeeh!
DT: What?
MN: Those guys are weirdos, and I have to actually root for them, because they're facing John Doe!
DT: Well, I suppose it's the lesser of two evils. Take it away, Fat Tony!
TONY FATORA: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is set for one fall, and is a qualifying match for the tag team title three-way at UNLEASHED!!!
[The fans cheer at the mention of the PPV, as “In The Wake of Poseidon” blares through the speakers. Aodhan Lorigan steps through the curtain, standing at the top of the ramp, as pyrotechnics fire all around him. The fans cheer, as “(SiC)” by Slipknot fades up to replace “In The Wake of Poseidon”, and John Doe steps out as blue pyro fires from the side of the stage. Both men walk to the ring calmly, playing to the fans]
TONY FATORA: Introducing first, at a combined weight of four hundred and sixty two pounds, the team of Aodhan “Fist of Poseidon” Lorigan and John Doe, THE BLAAAAAAAACCCCKKKKK.......THUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNDD EEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!! !
DT: Rather an odd pairing, these two having fought last week in an impressive outing which Lorigan won with some unwanted help from Storms of the Second Coming.
[The arena darkens slightly as the hunched creature known as Golem scrambles to the top of the ramp. He holds his claw close to his chest and looks warily at the crowd. At his entrance, they begin to hail him with garbage. Suddenly, "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails blares, and X-Ecutioner strides from the back room. He and Golem move toward the ring collectively. Golem crawls onto the mat as X-Ecutioner makes his way up the steps, one by one. He hops over the top rope effortlessly, and his huge frame shudders the ring's foundation. Both men stand eyeing the Black Thunder, all four men coming together in a stare down in the middle of the ring]
TONY FATORA: And their opponents, weighing in at a total combined weight of five hundred and twenty-three pounds, the team of GOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLEEEEMMMMMMM and the X-EEEEEEEECCCCCCCCCCCUUUUUTTTTTTTIIIIIOOOOOOOOONNNNN NNNERRRRR!!!!!!!!
MN: They picked up a win last week thanks to Doe, but will they be so lucky this time?
[The referee steps between the two teams, forcing them back to their corners. Golem and Lorigan step to the outside, as Doe and X-Ecutioner circle each other whilst the ref calls for the bell to start the match]
DT: And the match is underway, as Doe and X-Ecutioner lock up... and they break again, neither man able to force the other back.
MN: There’s a lot at stake in this match; none of these four men have held gold here in Empire Pro, so not one of them will want to make a mistake.
[They lock up again, this time Doe stepping through, tripping X-Ecutioner and dropping an elbow on the larger man. X-Ecutioner gets up quickly, but Doe catches him square with a dropkick, before running the ropes and taking the big man down again, this time with a flying forearm. Doe grabs the head of X-Ecutioner, trying to twist his neck, but the larger man makes it to his feet, freeing himself with some hard shots to the gut. He whips Doe into the ropes, catching him with a clothesline on the rebound, before picking him up and slamming him down. Doe manages to use his legs to push X-Ecutioner back, and both men rise, coming together in the centre of the ring, standing nose to nose]
DT: Nice offence here from both these two, as their partners look on. Doe now with a knee to the gut, doubling X-Ecutioner over, as he clubs him on the back. Tag is made to Lorigan, who just HAMMERS the big man with a kick to the head.
MN: Wow!! That kick sent him all the way to his own corner. He makes the tag, and it’s Lorigan and Golem now in the ring.
DT: Lorigan’s got to be careful of that claw on Golem.
[Golem comes charging at Lorigan, who connects with a drop toe hold, and a standing arm drag, before ducking a running clothesline attempt from Golem. Incensed, Golem rolls to the outside, where he and X-Ecutioner exchange a few words as he regains his focus. The ref starts the ten count, but only makes it to three, as Golem slides back under the bottom rope. The two men now come together, about to lock up... until Golem hits a swift knee to the gut, followed by a clothesline. As Lorigan gets to his feet, Golem takes him down hard with a snap mare, and then runs the ropes, coming past Lorigan on the rebound, only to perform a small somersault neckbreaker on the return. He floats over for the cover]
DT: One... quick kick out there by Lorigan, as Golem places a knee in the back and starts wrenching back on the arms, as Golem now looks to have regained his composure and is taking it to Lorigan.
MN: So long as Lorigan can avoid that claw, he should be OK. Reminds me of that Jarod Poe guy; you know, the one with the steel talons?
DT: Nasty piece of work, but Golem looks far nastier. Aodhan looks in trouble... nice agility to break the hold there, as he gets to his feet and charges in, but gets taken down hard with that shoulder tackle. Golem off the ropes, over Lorigan... X-Ecutioner with a thunderous blow from behind to Lorigan.
MN: Isn’t that illegal?
DT: The ref’s saying there was a blind tag made. Golem goes to the outside, as X-Ecutioner takes over.
[X-Ecutioner picks the smaller man up, lifting him high into a vertical suplex, and, as if in slow motion, falls back, driving Lorigan down to the mat. Methodically, he lifts Lorigan into a seated position, delivering a swift stomp to the base of his neck. He picks the man from Turkey up onto his shoulder, charging into the corner, driving Lorigan’s spine into the padding as Aodhan screams in pain. X-Ecutioner positions him into a tree of woe, then takes a step back, kicking him in the face. He tags in Golem, before kicking Lorigan once more in the gut]
DT: Nice continuity here from these two, as Golem runs in... NO!! Golem missed the baseball slide and slid right into the ring post as Lorigan somehow finds the strength in his abs to do a vertical sit up out of the way. Golem slowly to his feet...
MN: And Lorigan flies, taking the weird one down with a missile drop kick.
[Aodhan drags Golem over to his corner, stomping away in the corner as he tags in Doe. Doe whips Golem to the ropes, lifting him into the air as Aodhan comes off the opposite ropes with a forearm to Golems face. The ref forces Lorigan to the outside, as Doe waits for Golem to get to his feet. He plants the clawed man with a crisp DDT, and grabbing hold of both of Golems arms. He then places his feet on the felled mans shoulders, sitting back, pulling on his opponents arms as he straightens his legs for added pressure]
DT: Interesting move here from Doe, locking in a submission move I haven’t seen in a while, the double arm stretch.
MN: Doesn’t look all that effective if you ask me.
DT: I take it you never watched wrestling in the seventies?
MN: I was too busy for that, Wendy’s man
DT: Either way, Golem is struggling to find a way out of this....and X-Ecutioner breaks the hold up with a kick to the head of Doe. The refs admonishing him, as Doe goes over and tags in Lorigan.
[Off the tag, Lorigan twists Golem’s arm, driving the elbow into his shoulder. Golem, showing the pain in his expression, backs Lorigan into a neutral corner, forcing the break. As he looks to be backing away, he drives a back elbow into Lorigan, who cringes away, before retaliating with a chop out of the corner. Lorigan and Golem trade lefts and rights, Lorigan finally overcoming his adversary with a discus punch, before tagging Doe back in. Doe moves in, but is met with a single leg take down from Golem. Both men quickly get to their feet, but Golem manages to spear Doe, dragging him over to the X-Ecutioner in the corner. He lays in a couple of hard shoulders in the corner, as the ref orders him to let Doe out of the corner. Golem steps back, arguing with the ref, as X-Ecutioner applies a sleeper from behind the ropes, pulling Doe back. Lorigan, not wanting the other team to get the upper hand, tries to get into the ring, but the ref stops him, as Golem delivers some right hands to the gut of Doe. As the ref turns, X-Ecutioner releases the hold, before tagging himself into the match]
DT: Nice, if illegal, teamwork there from Golem and X-Ecutioner, as they used the ref to their advantage to double team Doe.
MN: X-Ecutioner sends Doe off the ropes now... HUUUUGE powerslam from the biggest man in the match. Man, both teams are pretty even here, it’s gonna be a miracle for one to pick up the W.
[X-Ecutioner, looking to press the advantage, whips Doe into the corner, following him in with a hard clothesline. He lifts the smallest man in the match onto his shoulder, dropping him down with a snake eyes, before whipping him in hard to the opposite corner. Doe bounces sternum first out of the corner, landing almost in the centre of the ring, as X-Ecutioner tags Golem back in, holding Doe up by the hair as Golem slaps him right across the face]
DT: Doe’s in trouble here, as Golem and X-Ecutioner look to move into the three-way at Unleashed with their quick tags. Golem with a jawbreaker, following up now with a clothesline...NO!! Doe ducks underneath it, launching into a flurry of lefts and rights...
MN: And Golem shuts down his flurry just as quick with that knee. See?
DT: See what?
MN: Doe won’t stand a chance at Unleashed the way he’s getting pummelled. My man Storms’ll eat him alive.
DT: I didn’t know you owned Storms.
MN: ... You know what I mean.
DT: With you sometimes it’s hard to tell.
[Golem connects with three hard head butts, before turning Doe around, locking both his arms and DRILLING him with a tiger suplex. Doe drops almost lifelessly to the mat, as Golem makes another tag, sliding to the outside and standing on the apron as X-Ecutioner moves to the top rope. He waits for Doe to stand, launching himself from the top strand]
DT: Looks like a missi-NO!! Doe manages to sidestep the missile drop kick. Doe measuring X-Ecutioner here, charging in with the clothesline. Doe can feel it, as he charges in again, a high knee to the face taking down X-Ecutioner as Golem comes into the ring, and Doe meets him with a dropkick. The ref’s forcing some order here, pushing Golem back to his corner, as Doe now turns around... BIIIIG boot there from X-Ecutioner.
[X-Ecutioner drops onto Doe, but can only get a two count. Annoyed, he picks Doe up, slamming him hard and following down for the cover, and another two count. He goes for another slam, but Doe slips out, finally making the tag to Lorigan, who comes in over the top rope with a vicious flying clothesline. He backs X-Ecutioner into the ropes, whipping him off and catching him on the rebound with a flying clothesline take down]
DT: And Black Thunder are right back in this thing, with Lorigan, fresh from being on the outside so long, really taking it to X-Ecutioner. Right hands here from Lorigan, and a firemans lift... AIRPLANE SPIN!!!!
MN: Golem’s coming in... Nice throw there by Lorigan to club Golem with his own partner!!
[Doe comes back into the ring, attacking Golem with hard punches, backing him into a corner as Lorigan whips X-Ecutioner into the opposing corner. Both Lorigan and Doe look to each other, whipping their respective opponents into the centre of the ring, where they collide at pace. Doe then vaults onto the top rope, flying into Golem with a moonsault, as the ref quickly tries to restore order. Lorigan throws the larger X-Ecutioner into the ropes with a belly to belly suplex, before making the tag to Doe, who returns legally with a somersault knee drop onto the back of X-Ecutioner’s left knee]
DT: Doe now working on the knee, driving his own knee in. He locks in a leg lock, but the ref’s already calling for the break as X-Ecutioner’s already in the ropes. Doe backs off, tagging in Lorigan... Golem comes in and takes down BOTH men with stereo clotheslines!!!
MN: Man, sweet. What tunes you think he’s got on that baby?
DT: Shut up, shut up, shut up!!!
[The ref yells at Golem, who runs back to his corner, dragging his partner part of the way. X-Ecutioner makes the tag, , holding his knee, as Golem charges Lorigan, only to be taken down with a drop toe hold, as Lorigan applies an ankle lock. Golem yells out in pain, struggling to keep from tapping out as Lorigan twists and turns his ankle]
DT: Golem looks in pain from that trip to the ring post earlier, and that mistake could cost his team a shot at the tag team gold at Unleashed... he’s fighting it...
MN: Well, if Doe’s team wins, he’ll have two matches in one night, so it’s not all doom and gloom; Storms can crush him twice the same night!!
DT: Regardless, this match isn’t over... Golem clawing his way to the ropes...HE MAKES IT!!
MN: I hope that was pun unintended. You know only I may make puns on this show.
DT: I’m not going to respond, as the ref gets to four before Lorigan releases the hold. Lorigan tagging in Doe, as they look for a double team here, whipping Golem off the ropes... he ducks the clotheslines, turns Doe... THE CLAW!! That dreaded submission hold in the centre of the ring... No, Aodhan Lorigan breaks the hold before it can be locked in fully. Doe and Lorigan are stomping away on Golem, as X-Ecutioner comes in now, attacking Lorigan from behind. He whips Lorigan to the ropes as Doe stomps away on Golem.
[As Lorigan rebounds, X-Ecutioner manages to knock him back into the ropes with a shoulder block, crumbling a little from the damage done minutes ago to his knee. He charges in, taking both himself and Lorigan to the outside with a clothesline, as Doe drags Golem to his feet. He whips him off to the ropes, running to the opposite ropes]
DT: Doe looking for the Amnesia Attack... NO!!! GOLEM DUCKED IT!! Doe turns round... THE CLAW!!! CLAW!! CLAW!!!! That overgrown fingernail tearing at the inside of Does mouth, as Lorigan and X-Ecutioner fight on the outside.
MN: Lorigan whipping into the barricade, as the ref checks on Doe...can you see the blood trickling from the side of his mouth?!?!
DT: Doe’s trying to fight it.... HE TAPS OUT!!! John Doe taps out to The Claw, and Golem and X-Ecutioner qualify for the tag title match at Unleashed!!!!
[SFX: *ding ding ding ding*]
TONY FAROTA: Ladies and gentlemen, the winners of the match by submission, GOOOOOOOLLLLLEEEMMMMMMM and X-ECCCCCCCCCCUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTIIIIIIIOOOOOOONNNNNNN NEEEEEEERRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!
[The bell rings again, as the ref tries to pull Golem off of Doe. X-Ecutioner comes in, shouting something at Golem, who finally releases the hold, leaving Doe bleeding in the centre of the ring, as Aodhan Lorigan slides in, holding his back, to check on his partner]
DT: Well, folks, that was one helluva close match, but just like that, Golem manages to pull out the victory with that Claw finisher of his.
MN: Aww, and I wanted to see Doe pummelled twice by Storms in one night.
DT: Regardless of what you wanted to see, Mike, Golem and X-Ecutioner move on to Unleashed to challenge for the tag team titles, and on tonight’s evidence, I’d say they had a good chance of it.
MN: They're freaks, but man - I would NOT want that Claw in MY face. How does he even get away with having that thing?
DT: It's supposedly part of his body.
MN: Yeegh! That's freaky.
DT: We've got to take a quick break, but when we come back, the final tag-team qualifier! Don't touch that dial!
MN: Or I'll get ya!
[Cut to a commercial for L33t-Aid fruit drinks.]
DT: Welcome back to the show, everyone - hold on, what's happening over there?
[Cut to ringside. The women's rights activists have pushed their way into the front few rows and are waving their signs in the air, chanting loudly.]
WOMEN: What do we want! No more degradation of women! When do we want it! Now! What do we want! No more degradation of women! When do we want it! Now!
DT: It seems there's a disturbance in the front row!
MN: That's those women's rights activists, isn't it? They keep showing up here to protest what Sands did to Lindsay Troy a couple shows ago, don't they?
DT: I think so. Folks, if you haven't heard, the Washington Housewives' Organization for Rights and Equality has been protesting outside EPW's head office in Pittsburgh and at many of our events, apparently very upset over the actions of Christian Sands towards Lindsay Troy!
MN: Aw, they all want him too.
DT: Quiet, you. We were all upset over what happened. Lindsay Troy deserves to be treated better than that - but she paid him back for it! I don't understand why they continue to protest!
MN: Because they're desperate to get laid?
DT: (laughing) I thought they were married.
MN: That's pretty scary that anyone would want those old hags-
[Cue up: "Sharp Dressed Man" - ZZ Top. The crowd's attention is drawn towards the ramp. After a moment, a figure in a white silk suit and top hat prances out from behind the curtain. It's "The Show Stealer" Dean Matthews. He poses with his cane held in the air, cuing a thunderous explosion of gold pyro, then makes his way to the ring.]
DT: Wait a minute! That's Dean Matthews! We haven't seen him on EPW television since Tyrone Walker superkicked him several Aggressions ago!
MN: Strong Dean repreSENT, yo!
[As Matthews rolls into the ring, the women's rights activists continue to chant their slogan. Matthews smirks, then grabs a mic from Tony Fatora.]
MATTHEWS: Cut the music.
[The music cuts. The women's chanting continues.]
MATTHEWS: Ladies, ladies, ladies. Listen, ladies. I know you're upset. I know you've got your panties in a bunch over the Lindsay Troy thing. But you know what? Protest outside, would ya please? So we don't have to look at your beehive haircuts, and your mumus, and your grotesque lipstick, and your fat asses.
[The crowd cheers at that. The women's rights activists look outraged.]
MATTHEWS: Seriously! How ignorant can you be?! Are you not even aware that the acronym for your organization spells WHORE?
[One of the women shouts something at Matthews.]
MATTHEWS: Don't flap your mouth at me, missy, or I'll come over there and fill it with a little somethin' hot. Get my drift?
[The crowd laughs raucously at that. The woman blushes, outraged, but can't seem to work up a retort.]
MATTHEWS: Seriously, people. Are you gonna sit here and let these BIG FAT SOCCER MOMS try to run down this fed? We don't even hate women! We love women! We love 'em a lot! That's why I'm out here, actually. I'm here to introduce all of you to the newest members of the Empire Pro family.
[He gestures with his cane to the four blanket-covered columns mounted next to the stage, two on either side.]
MATTHEWS: Alright, Huntsville! Get on your feet... GIVE IT UP FOR... THE SEXY EMPIRE GIIIIIRLS!!!
[Cue up: "Milkshake" - Kelis. The blankets fall away from the columns, revealing four round "cages" made of glowing neon light tubes, shining pink and blue and green. Each cage is mounted on top of a metal pedestal. Inside each cage is a suggestively-clad, ridiculously hot young woman, dancing away. Cut to the WHORE activists, all of whom look furious. Cut back to Matthews, who is strolling up the ramp towards the cages.]
MATTHEWS: Sure, Empire Pro Wrestling is awesome, but our shows have been missing something - T n' A. No, not Total Nonstop Action, 'cause we've got plenty of that. I'M TALKIN' T(bomb)S!!! AND!!! ASS!!!
[HUGE pop from the men in the audience. Matthews grabs onto one of the cages on the left side, hanging from it with one hand on the neon bars and another on the base. Inside the cage is a curvaceous, long-legged, curly-haired blonde woman wearing thigh-high black boots, a pink bikini top, and cutoff jean shorts. She's sucking a lollipop as she dances, blue eyes twinkling mischievously.]
MATTHEWS: Here's the first of our lovely Empire Girls! I KNOW for a fact that every man in this audience wishes they were that lollipop, because right now I'm wishing it too! Whoo mama! Give it up for the lovely Candy!
[The men all pop as Candy licks the lollipop slowly, running the tip of her tongue across it suggestively. Matthews hops down from Candy's cage and jumps onto the base of the second cage, seating himself on it. Inside is a dark-haired vixen, busty, leggy, and with an angelic face. She wears soft white lingerie and stockings, leaving most of her legs completely visible.]
MATTHEWS: Some of you who remember MCW remember this little charmer. Back then she was doing interviews, but to hell with that - we all tuned in to look at her, not to listen! Let's hear it for the beautiful Tiffany!
[Another big pop from the dudes as Tiffany offers a charming little smile, almost blushing. Matthews leans into the cage and pecks her on the cheek before hopping off the cell, strolling across the ramp to climb onto the base of the first cage on the right. Inside is a curvy Japanese girl in a schoolgirl's outfit.]
MATTHEWS: Now I just a-DORE this little girl! She didn't have to kill Bill - he died of a heart attack the minute he saw her dancing! Trust me, guys - she'll slay ya! Gimme a round of applause for the ever-so-cute Miyoko!
[Yet another pop from Huntsville's contigent of horny males. With a big leap, Matthews springs to the last cage, clinging to the glowing bars like a monkey. The girl inside the cage is slim and tan, sporting a mane of wild fire-red hair that falls across her face. She wears a red bikini top and matching booty shorts as well as stiff red boots.]
MATTHEWS: And last but certainly not least is my personal favorite! Trust me, guys, that hair color is all-natural - and believe me, I've checked where it counts! Make some noise for my baby Ruby!
[The men in the audience pop for the gratuitous T&A like Pavlov's dog responding to a ringing bell. Matthews hops down from the cage and moves to the top of the ramp, pointing out at the women's rights activists.]
MATTHEWS: Now how 'bout that, ladies? I told ya! We don't hate women! We love 'em! And if you don't like it, you know where you can stick it! If you really hate EPW that much, change the channel and watch the Home Shopping Network, you dumb broads! Take your kids to a soccer game! But be sure to have 'em home by nine, 'cause they don't wanna miss Aggression. Know why? 'Cause WE BRING THE ENTERTAINMENT!!! We've got something for everyone! Great wrestling! Cool characters! Blood rivalries! And now hot women! Now sit back, relax, loosen your extra-tight WHORE activist sphincters, and ENJOY THE SHOW!
[Cue up: "Sharp Dressed Man" - ZZ Top as Matthews heads to the back, leaving the Empire Girls to dance away.]