CUE UP: "Imperial March" - Rage Against the Machine. A video montage plays, featuring smoke-wreathed images of various wrestlers, some of them leaving blurred trails as they move.
CUT TO: Beast nailing the Absolution on Christian Sands.
CUT TO: Karl Brown coming off the ropes with a Quebrada.
CUT TO: Christian Sands taking Beast down into the Sandman's Clutch.
CUT TO: Troy Douglas standing victorious on a turnbuckle.
CUT TO: Adam Benjamin delivering a Shining Wizard to Karl Brown.
CUT TO: John Doe and Aodhan Lorigan striding down the ramp.
CUT TO: Jonathan Marx throwing Karl Brown over the ropes.
CUT TO: Lindsay Troy dropkicking Christian Sands.
CUT TO: Tyrone Walker locking up with Karl Brown.
CUT TO: Dan Ryan sitting sedately in a chair, staring into the camera.
CUTTO: With a clash of metal, a logo slams across the screen, its edges flickering.]
[Cut to the ramp, where a wreath of pyro explodes around the EmpireTron and several bomblike, smoky explosions ripple about the entry way. The camera zooms in on the screen as the pyro finally peters out and moves across the four sexy Empire Girls, then blurs to roving shots of the roaring crowd as a small banner in the corner briefly appears to proclaim that EPW is broadcast en Espanol. Various signs are visible in the crowd: "BEAST IS MY ALPHA MALE!", "Evil Troy Is Hot!", "THE WAR TO SETTLE THE SCORE", "GOLEM FEARS SAURON", "I'm Pregnant With Joey Melton's Baby", "It Is Inevitable, Mr. Sands", "I CAME TO SEE ADAM BENJAMIN", "The Rise Of Marxism", and finally, "THERE IS NO SPOON".]
[Cut to ringside, where we find the usual gang.]
DT: Welcome, everybody, to Empire Pro Wrestling's AGGRESSION! I'm Dave Thomas, and with me as always is Mike Neely! Mike, what a night we've got in store for the viewers, as every title changed hands at Unleashed!
MN: Phooey.
DT: We have new tag team champions in Cameron Cruise and Joey Melton, a new Intercontinental Champion in Jonathan Marx, and most significantly a new world heavyweight champion in Beast! Tonight, all of our champions will be together in one ring with three other men and one woman! Two rings! One all-spanning steel cell! It's a historic night as Empire Pro Wrestling brings you its first-ever WAR GAMES match - LIVE on FREE CABLE TELEVISION!
[Cut to a shot of the ring. The floor is wider than usual tonight, with plenty of space set aside for a second ring. Said ring is suspended from the rafters, held inside one half of a two-ring-wide steel cell.]
DT: And there you see it, the ominous steel cell and the second ring that will descend when it's time for War Games to begin.
MN: I don't even know who to cheer for, other than not cheering for Beast.
DT: You really don't like Beast, do you?
MN: He's Big Loafy. Who does he think he is?
DT: ...The Heavyweight Champion of the World, for one thing.
MN: Pff.
DT: Anyway-
[Cue up: "Sharp Dressed Man" - ZZ Top.]
DT: - Hold on a minute, it looks like we're about to be visited by Paul Freeman's assistant, Dean Matthews!
MN: Now THAT'S more like it!
[As the crowd cheers, Dean Matthews strolls out onto the rampway, flashing the crowd a Fonzie double-thumbs up as his pyro goes off. He then lifts the mic.]
MATTHEWS: Maestro, cuttez-vous le musique.
[The music cuts out.]
MATTHEWS: Before we get too far tonight, Mr. Freeman's sent me out here to make a special announcement. Tonight is the first-ever Empire War Games. That in itself makes this a very special night. But I've got something to make it even more special. You see, I'm adding a special stipulation to this match... and adding a SPECIAL REFEREE!!!
[CROWD POP!]
MATTHEWS: And the name of this special referee is...
[The crowd waits in anticipation...]
MATTHEWS: ...
...
... ... ...
PSYCH!!! Y'all got PUNK'D!
[CROWD: BOOOOOO!]
MATTHEWS: Aw, shaddap. You think I'm gonna spoil the surprise this early in the show? Hell naw! You're all gonna have to watch and see. Who knows when we'll say who it is? But I ain't tellin' yet, monkeys. Just watch. Now let's get this damn show moving, aight>
[Cue up: "Sharp Dressed Man" as Matthews walks to the back.]
DT: As if War Games wasn't big enough - now we've got a SPECIAL REFEREE added to the match!
MN: Who is it, Burgerman? C'mon, you gotta tell me!
DT: I honestly don't know, Mike! I guess we'll all have to wait and find out.
MN: Watch it be John Doe or something. Bah.
DT: In any case, it's time for our first match of the evening, as X battles Ray Rock - who, incidentally, is subbing for John Doe tonight!
MN: Ray who?
DT: Rock. He wrestled for Major Championship Wrestling.
MN: Wonderful.
DT: Let's head to the ring!
[Fade in with Ray Rock in the EPW ring as we await X’s entrance. Camera’s cut to the crow’s nest with DT and MN.]
DT: Hardcore match up here on EPW!
MN: BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD!
DT; You’re a sick man!
MN: Yeah well you know.
DT: No, I don’t
MN: Ah shut up...
DT: But..
MN: I said shut up....
[Cue Up:"X Gonna Give It To You" by DMX as the lights go down. Time passes, strobe lights light up the entranceway. X appears in the crowd carrying his patented black steel chair marked with a white X and wrapped in barbed wire. X sides in the ring and as he crosses his arms to make an X. Before Fatora can announce X’s entrance Ray Rock nails a clothesline to the back of X]
DT: And Ray Rock hitting that clothesline on X wasting no time in this match up!
MN: Good! Get to the red stuff!
DT: X up to his feet, as they stare each other down.
[X ties up and gets a go behind. He drops getting a low single leg takedown. X then moves to the head getting a headlock. Rock gets to his feet and grabs X performing a backdrop.]
DT: Ray with the reversal X to his feet as he puts Ray down with a Dropkick. Ray up again as X is to his feet.
MN: Yawn...
[X comes back with a Irish whip to Ray. Rock comes back but X catches him in a Side Effect. X taunts as he goes to ring side looking under the ring for a weapon.]
DT: Ray Rock is up and is running to the ropes. Ray leaping off the top rope towards X!
[Ray goes over the top rope looking for a crossbody]
MN: RAY WITH THE OVER THE TOP CROSSBODY!! NOOOO X CATCHES HIM HITTING A SCOOP SLAM!
[X lifts Ray by his hair and goes for to Irish Whip towards a ring post]
DT; X with the Irish Whip Ray with the re-whip sending X into the ring post!
MN: YES! Ray looking under the ring. X has a chair!
[X rushes towards Ray with the chair just as he is approaching Ray grabs a fire extinguisher from under the ring just as X is about to swing the chair. Ray blast the white foam in X’s eyes]
MN: WHOA! That was cool!
DT: Ray using that fire extinguisher and shooting it into X’s eyes! X on the floor screaming trying to wipe his eyes.
[Ray picks up X and rolls him in the ring dropping the fire extinguisher and grabbing the chair. X holds the ropes trying to see. Ray bounces off the opposite ropes looking for more speed as he heads full force towards X]
DT: Ray coming towards X with that chair, Ray swinging it! X MOVING OUT OF THE WAY BEFORE RAY CAN HIT HIM WITH THAT CHAIR!
[Ray swings the chair at X. The chair bounces off the ropes and flies into the face of Ray Rock]
MN: NICE MOVE BY X!
[X grabs the chair as Ray gets up staggering. X tosses the chair at Ray. Ray catches the chair looking confused. X Dropkicks the chair back into the face of Ray Rock sending Rock to the ropes and rebounding back towards X.]
DT: X catching Ray and hitting a Flapjack!
MN: X is going back out to ring side and looking under that apron.
[X gets hold of a 2X4 plywood as he slides back in the ring. Ray turns around...CRACK!!!! X breaks the 2X4 over the head of Ray Rock]
DT: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! This is getting out of control
[Ray starts bleeding from the head as X goes for the cover.]
MN: Finally some blood!
DT: 1....2...3!!!!
FATORA: Here is your winner X!
[Cue up: X is gonna give it to you” By DMX as X crosses his arms making and X. Ray Rock lies in the ring not moving.]
DT: I think X killed Ray Rock.
MN: Oh well that’s why we have waivers!
DT: Ladies and gentlemen we will be right back with more EPW Aggression after this commercial break!
[Cut to a commercial for EPW action figures by Wakks Atlantic.]