TONY FATORA: Th' following contest is scheduled for one fall!
["Dark Machine" by Paul Oakenfold cues up, and the lights in the arena go out; the GlobalTron lights up with an image of Christian Sands gazing down from a distance, his face illuminated as if by car headlights through a window. After the first fourteen seconds of the song, a red strobelight kicks in. Smoke machines begin blowing a drifting mist horizontally across the ramp as Christian Sands emerges, striding down the ramp with the mist curling about his feet. He vaults into the ring over the top rope and stretches his arms briefly before boosting himself up to a turnbuckle, seating himself there facing inward to await his opponent.]
TF: Introducing first, from Barrie, Ontario... He weighs in at two hundred and seventy pounds... He isss CHRRRRRRRRISTIAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN... SAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNDSSSSSSS!!!
[Lights dim out as Sic by Slipknot blares on the PA system. Fans rise out of their seats, cheering as John Doe walks out on the ramp no pyrotechnics. He walks down the ramp a serious look on his face, carrying something in his right hand.]
TF: And the opponent! He weighs in at two hundred and ten pounds... He hails from parts unknown... He issss JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHN... DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOE!!!
[Doe quickly grabs Fatora's mic.]
DOE: Hey, Sandass. Look, buddy. I couldn't help but think about some things. I know you must feel bad, since you lost your title and all. I know you must feel like a total loser. It probably sucks being the ***** that you are. But hey. You're special. So here's a very special title for you.
[Smirking, Doe hands the object to Sands. The object is a paper plate with "VERY SPECIAL CHAMPIONSHIP" scrawled on it. Sands looks at it for a moment... then promptly slugs Doe in the teeth!]
[SFX: *DING* - Bell rings.]
DT: OH! Sands did NOT like that!
[His eyes burning, Doe pushes to his feet and circles Sands quickly. The big Canadian doesn't circle, however. He stands there, smirking like a cat spying a mouse. After a moment, Doe lunges in and hammerlocks Sands from behind. Sands promptly reverses him into an arm wringer, then into a headlock, then into a keylock, finally pushing Doe forward and ruffling his hair. Doe turns to glare at Sands, who points and laughs at him.]
MN: I told you.
DT: Oh dear! Sands with an impressive display of wrestling - and now he's MOCKING John Doe!
MN: Doe's getting what he wished for in a bad way, man!
[Slowly, Doe advances again, trying for a collar-and-elbow tie-up. Sands takes the raised hand... then uses his OTHER hand to slug Doe down to his hands and knees. Doe hits the mat, and Sands kicks him in the face, sending him sprawling. Again Christian points and laughs at Doe, who comes to his feet snarling.]
DT: What a kick by Sands there, nearly taking Doe's head off!
MN: And the I-Told-You-So's make it SO worthwhile.
[Doe charges at Sands aggressively and attempts to tackle him, but Sands calmly sidesteps, pushing Doe into the ropes. Rebounding, Doe leaps and attempts to score with a flying forearm, but Sands grabs him and slams him down with a hard belly-to-belly suplex!]
DT: OH! Belly-to-belly by the former World's Champion, as he's just MASSACRING John Doe!
MN: Were you expecting anything else?
[Pressing a hand to his back, Doe totters to his feet. Sands coolly moves in and kicks him in the gut, trying for a suplex. However, Doe floats through, landing behind Sands and clubbing him in the back a few times.]
DT: Wait! Doe floats through on the suplex - clubbing blows -
[The offense is short-lived. Sands reaches back and snapmares Doe over his shoulder, then grabs him by the jaw with one hand, using the other one to grind his knuckle into the top of Doe's scalp.]
MN: NOOGIES NOOGIES NOOGIES!!!
DT: Oh dear! Sands is giving John Doe a noogie! How humiliating!
MN: *laughing*
[Smirking, Sands takes a step back. Doe immediately shoots to his feet and tackles Sands, backing him into the ropes and driving a few shoulders into his gut. However, Sands slugs him in the back and reverses him into the corner, letting loose with a blistering chop that causes Doe to clutch at his chest in pain.]
DT: What a CHOP from Christian Sands!
MN: It's true! NOBODY chops like the Sandman! Those things are like bullets!
[Sands delivers a few more hard chops to Doe, then wheels him out of the corner with a powerful release Northern Lights suplex. Holding on, Sands maintains a bridge for the pin.]
DT: Northern lights with a bridge by Sands! There's the count! One-
TWO -
Kickout by Doe!
MN: Close call, though.
[Both men come to their feet. Doe steels himself and charges Sands, throwing a few punches. He whips the big man into the ropes and comes back with a flying clothesline... but Sands jumps, spins Doe in midair, and comes down with the smaller man firmly locked in the Sandman's Clutch submission!]
DT: WHAT THE - SANDMAN'S CLUTCH OUT OF NOWHERE!!!
MN: THAT WAS RIDICULOUS!!! HOW THE HELL DID HE DO THAT?!?
DT: I have NO clue, but Doe's SCREAMING IN AGONY here!
MN: This hold's put away so many people in EPW! No WAY Doe can survive!
DT: Doe trying to fight - NO!!! DOE'S TAPPING!!! DOE TAPS OUT!!!
[SFX: *DING* Bell rings.]
TONY FATORA: Here is your winnerrr... CHRRRRRRRISTIAAAAAANNNNNNNN... SAAAAAAAANNNNNNNDSSSSSSSSS!!!
DT: I don't even know what to say, Mike. Doe had a shot at becoming a huge star, but like so many others he wound up crushed by Christian Sands.
MN: Well, Doe asked for it. He specifically asked for this.
DT: Hold on a minute, who's coming through the crowd?
[As Sands heads backstage, another figure emerges over the barricade. It's Troy Douglas. Rolling into the ring, Douglas grabs Fatora's mic, then approaches Doe.]
DOUGLAS: John, John, John. What happened? You were talking such a big game. But you got licked. Come on, John. We both know you're better than this. I can see it in your eyes. You have the potential to be a big star. So I'll tell you what. You and me, kid. I'm gonna take you under my wing and make sure that the star in you comes out. Hell... if we're lucky we'll even get your memory back. So whaddaya say, John?
[Douglas holds the mic out to Doe. Doe comes to his feet and stares at him for a moment.]
DOE: ...Yes.
[CROWD: *HUUUUUUUGE POP!!!*]
[As "Kashmir" cues up, Doe and Douglas shake hands, walking to the back.]
DT: And there you have it, folks. John Doe may have lost the match, but he's gained the guidance of the veteran Troy Douglas.
MN: Argh, it's all a plot by that Megatron! He's gonna turn Doe into a Deceptacon!
DT ...I do NOT. Want. To know.
MN: Mwaha!
DT: In any case, this could spell a new beginning for Doe, as Douglas' advice can only help him in the long run. This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
MN: Oh, is THAT what you call it.
DT: We've got to take a quick break, but when we come back, it's Troy Douglas and Boogie Smallz! Don't go away!
[Cut to a commercial for EPW action figures by Wakks Atlantic.]