CUE UP: "Imperial March" - Rage Against the Machine. A video montage plays, featuring smoke-wreathed images of various wrestlers, some of them leaving blurred trails as they move.
CUT TO: Beast nailing the Absolution on Christian Sands.
CUT TO: Karl Brown coming off the ropes with a Quebrada.
CUT TO: Christian Sands taking Beast down into the Sandman's Clutch.
CUT TO: Troy Douglas standing victorious on a turnbuckle.
CUT TO: Adam Benjamin delivering a Shining Wizard to Karl Brown.
CUT TO: John Doe and Aodhan Lorigan striding down the ramp.
CUT TO: Jonathan Marx throwing Karl Brown over the ropes.
CUT TO: Lindsay Troy dropkicking Christian Sands.
CUT TO: Tyrone Walker locking up with Karl Brown.
CUT TO: Dan Ryan sitting sedately in a chair, staring into the camera.
CUTTO: With a clash of metal, a logo slams across the screen, its edges flickering.]
[Cut to the ramp, where a wreath of pyro explodes around the EmpireTron and several bomblike, smoky explosions ripple about the entry way. The camera zooms in on the screen as the pyro finally peters out, then blurs to roving shots of the roaring crowd as a small banner in the corner briefly appears to proclaim that EPW is broadcast en Espanol. Various signs are visible in the crowd: "I'M ON STRIKE", "Bolich Fears Posting The Card On Time", "BOOGEEZEE FO' SHEEZEE", "BIG DADDY ENGLISH", "We Are Beastialites", "Lindsay Troy Is The Queen... In Bed!", "The Cameron Cruise Project", "DOWNTOWN KARL BROWN", "Where's Kin?", "RRR ATE MY BAGEL", and finally, "DEAN MATTHEWS = MONEY".]
DT: Welcome, everybody, to Anaheim California! This is Aggression, live from the Arrowhead Pond in Anaheim! I'm Dave Thomas, and with me as always is Mike Neely!
MN: Why do they call this place a pond, Dave? I don't see water. I don't see ducks. Though I AM seeing some sweet chickies in the audience. Check out that redhead over there. Look at those ti-
DT: MIKE!!!
MN: ...Tinkertoys! She brought Tinkertoys with her!
DT: I would make a joke about my intense hatred for you, but the producers have informed us that it's getting a bit trite to open the show like that every time.
MN: Good for them. Besides, you can't hate me. Look at this face.
DT: I'm looking. I'd like to rearrange it.
MN: Now that is corn, sir. I've got half a mind to slap your mouth.
DT: Can we just get the show started, Mike?
MN: Fine. But I'll be waiting for YOU in the parking lot, Burgerman.
DT: *sigh*
TONY FATORA: Th' following contest is scheduled for one fall!
[Cue up: “Stupid Kid” by Alkaline Trio as C-4 strides down the ramp. C-4 slides in the ring as the crowd offers a round of polite boos, unfamiliar with the newcomer.]
TONY FATORA: Hailing from Chicago, Illinois... Weighing in at 242 pounds... SEEEEEEEEE... FOURRRRRRRRR!!!!
DT: And folks, what a way to open the show, with the debut of this man, the man known as C-4.
MN: OH SNAP, HE'S GONNA EXPLODE!!!
DT: Cut it out, Mike. I've seen C-4's early tryouts with EPW recruiters, and he shows a great deal of promise, but he's going to have his hands full with the ever-intense X.
MN: He's gonna blow up Wilbur! Duck, Wilbur! Duck into the bomb shelter!
[Cue up: “X Gonna Give It To You” By DMX. X steps out behind the curtain. CUT TO: a Fan in the stands holding a sign that says “Consider X Xterminated!”. CUT TO: X walking down the ramp way.]
TONY FATORA: And his opponent... He hails from the Bronx... Weighing in at 210 pounds... ECKSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!
[X slides in the ring and taunts then looks over at C-4, X gives a smirk]
[SFX: *DING* - Bell rings.]
DT: C-4 and X staring down, they go for the tie up. C-4 with the duck under. X giving C-4 elbow shots to the face. C-4 with a German suplex. C-4 rolling to his feet and hits another German suplex, this time with a bridge....1....kick out by X.
MN: Nice move by C-4. X is to his feet C-4 going for a clothes line X ducks, rebound off the ropes from X, C-4 also rebounding, Spinning Wheel Kick by C-4. X hitting the canvass. Cover by C-4 1... Rope break. Smart move, you don’t want to waste your energy kicking out. X now getting to his feet....
DT: And a sharp clothesline from X to C-4. X picking up C-4 and Irish whips him, C-4 on the rebound, X lifting C-4 up, SIT OUT POWER BOMB! NO C-4 REVERSING TO A DDT! C-4 to his feet, X is up, clothesline from C-4, X up again, and another clothesline, X up yet again, missile drop kick from C-4.
MN: X stumbling back as he ties up with C-4. X lifting C-4 up...X dropping C-4 back first onto his shoulder. X executing a back breaker.
DT: Nice move by X but C-4 is grabbing the head of X....C-4 spins....BULLDOG FROM C-4. C-4 looking for a sharp shooter but X kicks him off, C-4 hit’s the ropes. X hops up, C-4 with the rebound....C-4 leaps in the air....cross body from C-4...
MN: X CATCHES HIM AND NAILS A BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX. C-4 up and rushes at X, X hits another Belly to Belly. X lifting C-4 up and forcing him into the turnbuckle. X hitting those shoulder thrusts into the ribcage of C-4.
DT: Irish whip by X, C-4 going towards the other turnbuckle, X on the chase. C-4 using each turnbuckle pad to climb up the turn buckle, C-4 Leaps off!
MN: WHISPER IN THE WIND BY C-4! With the cover...I...2...kick out by X.
DT: C-4 lifting X to his feet. But X hits him in the gut, and another punch, X to his feet and suplexing C-4. X gets up taunting C-4.
MN: I think that suplex put C-4 in a daze. C-4 to his feet. X punching C-4 in the face. C-4 returns the shots, but X kicks C-4 in the ribs.
DT: Russian Leg sweep by X as he rolls C-4 to his stomach and locks in a Camel Clutch.
MN: C-4 needs to work towards that bottom rope, X is just pulling that neck. C-4 looks like he is going to tap....C-4 lifting his hand in the air and hits it against the mat twice, one more time that is a tap out..
DT: C-4 grabs the bottom rope before he taps out. X getting mad and stomps the back of C-4.
MN: Less stomping more pinning.
DT: X grabs C-4 and Irish whips him, C-4 with the re reverse. X rebounding FLYING CLOTHESLINE BY C-4.
MN: Nice move! X is to his feet again, C-4 rushes at X. X lifts C-4 up again looking for a power bomb, C04 reverses into a hurricarana takedown. C-4 taunting as the crowd boos at him, X is on his feet and grabs C-4 from behind, backdrop by X.
DT: These two don’t give up do they?
MN: Nope.
DT: C-4 to his feet as they stare off, C-4 slaps X. and X is laughing in his face! X with a knife edge chop. C-4 holding his chest. X with another knife chop knocking C-4 to the canvass. C-4 gets to his feet and ties up with X. C-4 hooks the leg and executes a perfect fisherman’s suplex
MN: C-4 looking good in his movement, this is his debut match up. X to his feet, they tie up. X with the fore arm smash to the neck of C-4, and another. C-4 laying on the canvass X climbing the top rope, C-4 is on his feet...
DT: C-4 on the top rope also, C-4 hooking the pants of X! SUPERPLEX OFF THE TOP ROPE BY C-4!
MN: C-4 with the cover....1....2...faint kick out. C-4 forcing X to his feet.
DT: X kicking C-4 in the stomach, C-4 is bent over. X bounces off the rope and hits C-4 in the chin with a knee lift.
MN: X bouncing off the ropes again and hitting C-4 with a diving clothesline. C-4 bounces up as X whips him to the ropes!
DT: X leaping off the second rope X-ECUTION!.....NO!!!! C-4 GRABS X’S ARM AND SLIPS DOWN FOR X LEAPS OVER HIM. X HIT’S THE CANVASS HIS ARM CAUGHT BETWEEN HIS LEGS!!!
MN: COUNTDOWN BY C-4! C-4 IS PULLING THE HEAD OF X! X IS TAPPING OUT LIKE A MAD MAN!!
[SFX: *DING* - Bell rings.]
FATORA: Here is your winnerrrrr... SEEEEEEEEEEEE... FOOOOOOOOOOOURRRRRRRR!!
[Cue Up: “Stupid Kid” by Alkaline Trio as C-4 celebrates his win.]
DT: A convincing debut here for C-4, as he pulls off the upset win over X and opens quite a few eyes in doing so.
MN: So does that mean his debut was... EXPLOSIVE? HAH!
DT: Very funny.
MN: I know. It is, after all, a Mike Neely joke.
DT: *sigh* Folks, we're going to take a short break, but when we come back we've got more hot and steamy EPW action for you!
MN: Hot and ste-
[Cut to a commercial for Chef Jamboree's Xtreme Ravioli Explosion.]