Cue up: "Sharp Dressed Man" - ZZ Top. The crowd begins to cheer, knowing full well that they're probably in for something funny. After a moment, Dean Matthews pads out onto the ramp and strikes a bodybuilder's pose, looking ludicrous doing so in his white suit and top hat. Gold and white pyro explodes around him. As the pyro goes down, Matthews pulls a mic out of his pocket.]

MATTHEWS: Off with the music! 

[The music cuts out.] 

MATTHEWS: So me and Mr. Freeman were sitting in the back a couple days ago, and we got to thinking. He said to me, "Dean, EPW's great. Everything's running smoothly. There've been a few delays, but we've pretty much smoothed them over now. But there's one thing that irks me." Now what could that one thing be? I thought, could it be our roster? But no, I like our roster. What do you guys think? 

CROWD: *POP!* 

MATTHEWS: So I says to myself, "Maybe it's the production values. Maybe they're not slick enough." But nah, EPW shows are slick and cool! What do you guys think, huh? 

CROWD: *POP* 

MATTHEWS: So I says to myself, "Maybe it's our champion! We all know that the champ's got to carry the company!" But nah, I kinda like Beast. What do you guys think? 

CROWD: BEAST! BEAST! BEAST! BEAST! BEAST! BEAST! 

MATTHEWS: Yeah, I thought so too. So what could it be? What is it, what's eating away at the show? I'll tell you what's eating away at us. Rather, I'll show you. 

[Smirking, Matthews turns on a heel... and pads down the ramp to sit down between Dave Thomas and Mike Neely at the announce table.] 

DT: Wha- 

MATTHEWS: Sorry, boys. You've gotten a little repetitive back here. But don't worry, your jobs aren't at stake. You're just getting a new partner. Now throw me that headset. 

[Tossing the mic to Tony Fatora, Matthews takes the headset offered by Mike Neely and crams it on under his hat.] 

DM: Yeah, good stuff. Howdy, boys. This here be a three-man booth now, yo. 

DT: Well, um, I daresay it's good to have you at the table with us, Dean. 

MN: I'll say! Reinforcements! No more having to mock Burgerman solo! 

DM: I get the idea that this is going to become rather stressful for you, Biggie Size. Between me and Mikeman here... Heh heh heh. 

DT: God help me. 

DM: There is no help for you, little one. Now get your ass in gear introducing the next match. 

DT: Alright. This next match promises to be an interesting contrast of styles, as the mat technician Karl Brown battles the lightning-quick Kin Hiroshi one-on-one. I can't help but wonder, though, what Karl Brown must be thinking going into this match. 

MN: Downtown's gone nuts, man. He eliminated himself from a match on the last show! 

DM: I was the third commentator in MCW when Karl Brown made his pro debut, so I can tell you firsthand just how much the kid's changed. If you ask me, it's stress. He's risen so fast in the wrestling world that it's probably weighing down on him pretty hard. 

DT: That's a very good point, Dean. Let's head down to the ring and see how things turn out. 

Karl "the Dragon" Brown vs. Kin Hiroshi


TONY FATORA: Th' following contest is scheduled for one fall! 

[CUE UP: "Crashing Around You" - Machinehead. The crowd jeers as Kin Hiroshi stalks down the ramp, jumping unceremoniously into the ring.] 

TONY FATORA: Introducing first... He hails from Tokyo, Japan... He weighs in at two hundred and thirty pounds... He isssss KIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNN... HIIIIIROOOOOOOOSHIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!! 

MN: You've got to love Hiroshi, man. This guy once slipped our boss a poison muffin! 

DM: Yeah, he did poison Dan. But I would shut up about it. Knowing the big man, he'll come out here and teach you some Humility. 

MN: ...I hate Kin Hiroshi! Grr! 

DM: Much better. 

[No music at all plays as Karl Brown strides down the ramp, just walking to the ring, the crowd's reaction a mixture of cheers and boos.] 

TONY FATORA: And his opponent... From Nottingh- 

[Before Fatora can even finish, Brown slides into the ring and levels Hiroshi with a running lariat!] 

[SFX: *DING* - Bell rings.] 

DT: What a lariat right off the get-go by Karl Brown, not even waiting for the bell! He's all fired up! 

DM: I told you. He's cracked. 

DT: Hiroshi coming to his feet in surprise, but Brown is ON him! Hard chops by the Dragon blistering across Hiroshi's chest! Now the Irish whip by Brown, and he takes Hiroshi DOWN with a tackle! 

MN: Football-worthy! 

DM: This is totally unlike Karl Brown. He's abandoning all subtlety. The kid's turned into a damn machine. 

DT: I'll say! Brown now straddling Hiroshi, and he's just POUNDING on Japanese Thunder with massive fists to the face! Dear lord, can you HEAR that! Those sickening thuds of fist against forehead! 

MN: It's just BRUTAL, the way Brown's laying into Hiroshi! The ref's trying to stop him, but Brown's LOST it! 

DT: Brown shooing the ref away and pounding on Hiroshi's face even harder - and he's busted Hiroshi open over the left eye! 

DM: That's just sick. Brown's NEVER punched someone that hard. 

MN: I guess he IS the Hardcore Dragon. 

DT: Now Brown pulling Hiroshi off the canvas... PULLS HIROSHI'S FACE DOWN AND SLAMS IT OFF HIS KNEE! Kin Hiroshi is reeling and bleeding even harder - and Brown DRILLS him to the mat with a DDT! 

MN: Ouch! Dropped him right on the gash! 

DM: I think I like this new Karl Brown. He's got an edge to him that the old one desperately needed. Old Karl was passive. New Karl's got killer instincts, and you need killer instincts to get by in the wrestling world. 

DT: Hiroshi on his hands and knees... Brown runs to a corner, then CHARGES OUT AND KNEES HIROSHI RIGHT IN THE FACE! Hiroshi goes FLYING into a corner, and Brown just starts KICKING HIM IN THE HEAD REPEATEDLY! 

DM: Not even stomps! These are outright soccer kicks! 

DT: This is like an outright slaughter! Kin Hiroshi got ambushed hard, and he hasn't been able to get so much as a breather! Now Brown pulling Hiroshi to his feet... wait, Hiroshi with the headbutt! Fighting back with big rights and lefts! 

MN: About time he started fighting! 

DM: You can see Hiroshi's desperate. Those punches are pretty wild. He got caught off balance and still doesn't quite have his wits about him. 

DT: Hiroshi off the ropes... BIG running dropkick brings down the Dragon! Now Hiroshi looking for the elbow drop, and lands it right to the sternum of Karl Brown! The cover - one - two - Kickout by Brown! Another cover - one - Kickout by Brown! 

DM: Smart move by Hiroshi there. He's not going to put away Brown this early, but by forcing him to kick out a couple times he's trying to pull some of the energy out of him. 

MN: And Brown's got a LOT of energy! He's gone freakin' berserk lately! 

DT: Now Hiroshi bringing Brown to his feet... hooks him up for a suplex... but Brown with a GO-BEHIND! Elbow to the kidneys! Hooks him up - AND SCORES WITH THE DRAGON'S BITE!!! 

MN: He's not even covering! 

DM: Hiroshi's in deep trouble. That is NOT a healthy look in Karl Brown's eyes. 

DT: Dear lord... Brown pulls Hiroshi up again... ANOTHER DRAGON'S BITE!!! And... oh no... NO... NO!!! DAMMIT, A THIRD DRAGON'S BITE!!! AND THE REFEREE IS SIGNALLING FOR THE MATCH TO BE STOPPED!!! 

[SFX: *DING*] 

TONY FATORA: Here is your winner, by virtue of match stoppage... KARRRRRRRLLLLLLLLL... BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWNNNNNNNN!!! 

DT: What the hell has gotten into Karl Brown?! He could've just pinned Hiroshi after the first Dragon's Bite, but he just went ahead and drilled him with two more and knocked him out! 

DM: I don't even know right now. That must be a LOT of stress weighing down on him. 

DT: Folks, EMTs are helping Hiroshi to the back to get some medical attention... This... Just sickening. We'll be right back. 

[Cut to a commercial for Empire Pro-O's sugar cereal.]

NEXT