[MUSIC CUEUP: “Love Is A Battlefield” – Pat Benatar]

[CUTTO: The fans standing in unison as a dozen women dressed as hookers dance out onto the stage platform and form a double line of six.]

We are young, heartache to heartache we stand 

No promises, no demands 

Love Is A Battlefield 

We are strong, no one can tell us we're wrong 

Searchin' our hearts for so long, both of us knowing 

Love Is A Battlefield

[CUTTO: Joey Melton in a new get up! Black ankle-length tights with “Project Failed” written in white lettering with red trim. Joey’s rocking a white dress shirt, the sleeves cut out, and a black tie.]

DT: [V/O] You have to be kidding me.

MN: [V/O] I love the eighties!

[Melton puts his hands on his knees, hunches a bit and sidesteps to and fro to the music. As cartwheels are performed behind him, Joey breaks out a house mic and sings.]

MELTON: You're beggin' me to go, you're makin' me stay 

Why do you hurt me so bad? 

It would help me to know 

Do I stand in your way, or am I the best thing you've had? 

Believe me, believe me, I can't tell you why 

But I'm trapped by your love, and I'm chained to your side 


[Joey and his hookers dance single file down the aisle, Melton slapping hands with fans as he goes.]

MELTON: We are young, heartache to heartache we stand 

No promises, no demands 

Love Is A Battlefield..

DT: Tell me one of you smoked something and my life is a dream right now?

MN: No. This is more fun. WHAT A SHOWMAN!

DM: Dave, I ate some bad cheese about an hour ago. My bad.

DT: Thank you. Honesty. That’s all I’m looking for.

[Melton struts about in the ring, his precious hookers behind him, still jiving for the fans and camera. Joey slides to a stop in the center of the ring, main camera on him as it should always be.]

MELTON: [to a chorus of stunned laughter] Love is a battlefield indeed. Ladies? Beat it. Papa has work to do.

[The crowd BOOS as the hookers, I mean paid actresses leave the ring, the last handing Melton a clipboard with paper on it.]

MELTON: They said, to lose to Cameron Cruise on PAY-PER-VIEW would be death. They said, Joey Melton was nothing more than a sideshow, a freak who can’t even left Cameron’s dick anymore. To the man’s credit, it takes a truck to accomplish the latter, but let’s be real. Cameron Cruise with one dance down the aisle I’ve erased all memory of you. You’re a noted racist and liberal extremist! Cameron Cruise, ladies and gentlemen voted for the war on Iraq. [BOO] Yes, my sweets, it’s true.

DT: [V/O] I’d like to see some record of that.

MN: [V/O] FAIR IS FAIR!

MELTON: Our messy divorce regrettably was made public, and yes Cruise you won the first round. You shamed and degraded me at BLACK DAWN. [MARK!] But, really, that’s nothing more than I do on a nightly basis, in or out of the ring. See, humiliation, well, it’s like a second skin to me. It means nothing.

DM: [V/O] What do you think the hookers got for this Dave?

DT: [V/O] Don’t.

MN: [V/O] Dean, you don’t make enough.

MELTON: To advance in this business you have to put yourself out there Cruise. You have to take chances, and sometimes, we embarrass ourselves and take a step back, At BLACK DAWN Joey Melton’s sky cracked and rained little tiny Cameron Cruises. But, you haven’t beaten me. I made that match, I made that show…if you think differently I’ve taken a little survey. Before the show Cruise, I asked a one hundred people what year you died.

DT: [V/O] He’s lost his mind.

MN: [V/O] I know! Cruise is probably rolling over in his grave as we speak!

DT: [V/O] The man’s not dead!

MELTON: The answers all varied, really, it’s unimportant, but what counts is, 95% of the people asked BELIEVED YOU WERE DEAD! After the biggest win of your life Cruise, you still matter about as much as a **** before it’s flushed down my toilet. It stinks, and on good days it draws a mild reaction, maybe you talk about it one day to friends, but in the end, when you lay yourself down to go to sleep, it’s forgotten. Cameron, I crapped the night of your life in New York. Savor it. But know, by now you’re dead to these people [BOO]. And you’re dead to me.

DT: [V/O] Amazing his microphone works now.

DM: [V/O] Seriously, how much you think they’re pulling down tonight?

MELTON: Hiroshi come to daddy.

[Joey tosses the mic aside and starts loosening himself up, pulling on the ring ropes, squatting, etc, etc.]

[MUSIC CUEUP: 'Sigillum Diaboli" - H.I.M]

[CUTTO: Kin Hiroshi in jeans and a t-shirt distractedly walking down the aisle. The fans reach over the aisle for him, desperately wanting to perform a cavity search for muffins but Hiroshi is in another world.]

DT: Hiroshi already sweating bullets. Did somebody tell this fool he didn’t have to spend three hours in a Sauna to make weight?

DM: I think he had what I had.

MN: Oh, wonderful. Two of you.

[Hiroshi paces around the ring, nervously looking into the crowd, leering back at any overzealous fan jumping at him. Finally, at Melton and the ref’s insistence Kin jets into the ring.]

[SFX: DING! DING!]

DT: Hiroshi, nice of him to be bothered to dress up…

MN: You know how quickly fabric goes out of fashion let’s credit Muffins for trying to stay ahead of the pack. Tomorrow, this is what ring attire in our profession will look like.

DM: OK.

DT: Kin nods he’s ready and he and Melton lock up! Joey with a side-headlock,back-bent, squeezing Hiroshi’s grill, Kin like Heinz ketchup pack ready to blow, Hiroshi counters, Melton’s left leg bent back, Hiroshi knee drop! Melton holds to the headlock, Kin, KNEE DROP! Melton unsure, Kin BACK BODY DROP! The cover, ONE….NO!

MN: Hiroshi going for the under twenty second pin and million dollar bonus courtesy of our sponsors, Playtex and Big John’s Refrigeration.

DT: Hiroshi slaps the mat, giving the ref a look Mike might pass off to a student driver on Main Street, the world around him moving too slow. Kin meets Joey up, hard right hand by the Hiroshi! Melton’s taken by surprise, Kin with another heavy right.

MN: Check his fist for a roll of quarters!

DM: Or, bone structure for bioengineering enhancement.

DT: Kin with a standing DROPICK square in Joey’s chest! Melton up over the ropes, no! Teetering in perfect balance on the top rope, you could stack plates of Matthews’ best china on Melton’s stomach and it’d be safer than if in a lock box!

DM: Who puts china in a lock box, honestly Dave.

DT: Gravity starts to lower Melton inside the ring, but Hiroshi catches both legs! [MARK!] Kin plays to the fans, a showman turning up the volume!

MN: Or an idiot who doesn’t understand this isn’t AGGRESSION for the Playstation 2. It’s not the showcase showdown Hiroshi, make your own decisions.

DT: And he does! Kin takes takes a step back JERKING Melton’s legs! Joey airborne, a skywalker! DOWN ON THE MAT! His head kicked back like a BCS official. Hiroshi leg drop [OHH!] to the loins!

MN: The loins, kings of the jungle!

DT: Hiroshi with another cover, ONE….TWO….MELTON HAND ON THE BOTTOM ROPE! Kin again looks befuddled. Guys he’s pinning like he was in the 29th minute of an Ironman match. Desperation early from Hiroshi. Joey rolls under the ring to regroup, the fans in Houston getting on him! Hiroshi quickly under the ropes himself and after Melton!

MN: Finally Kin showing urgency in this profession, going after someone with the intensity he chases tail with. Just be ready to cutto commercial if Melton’s cornered and nobody’s within earshot.

DM: Kin likes it when they scream, huh?

DT: Enough you two! Hiroshi hand on the back of Melton’s famously insured hair. Joey spun around like a top, eye-gouge by Hiroshi! Kin biting Melton’s forehead like a depraved animal!

MN: Well, he once lived in his car for six weeks! Essentially he is! You don’t shake those emotional scars. Showering in the bathroom of a Big and Tall store somewhere in Washington.

DT: I would imagine not. Melton pushes Kin away as the fans here in the Toyota Center roar with approval. They’d watch anything in Texas, huh? Joey hands over his bleeding forehead, speed walking from the Muffin Man.

DM: Well, Dave, 9 months out of the year this building hosts weekly rodeos. Little battered calves being shot out of a bunker and lassoed for sport. Sounds horrible but it draws in Houston like the Golden Girls on lifetime. All ages unite.

[CUTTO: As Melton turns to fight Hiroshi he sees Kin stopped cold by a man in the front row. Enormous black man in a 3-piece suit. The suit has a death grip on Hiroshi’s right arm. Kin looks queasy. Pleading his case, he is, but to no avail.]

DT: Melton with a running forearm and Kin’s dropped to the floor. [CUTTO: Melton staring at the guy, who nods and smiles. Joey’s unsure, but carries on with the show.] Joey Irish whips Kin into the ring apron and Hiroshi’s back broke into three pieces, I swear it did, I heard it! Melton now, COME ON, stepping over Kin’s back and down his neck.

MN: That’s a legal move Dave quit your *****ing. Depending on location that’s a hundred dollars and more for an hour.

DT: The ref pouring instructions into Joey’s ear, letting him know it’s time to move the business back in the ring, and the Unifier nods! Joey picks up Kin, and bends his back against the ring apron, KNIFE EDGE CHOPS! [MARK!] Hiroshi clutches his chest! That’ll rip the oxygen right out of those lungs and weaken a man’s legs! KNIFE EDGE CHOP! [MARK!]

DM: Hiroshi running out of steam after starting so quickly, Dave. It looked good for a New York minute, but you have to expect Melton to take control of this match and finish Hiroshi.

DT: VERTICAL SUPLEX by Joey…holding Kin up, letting the blood drain from his entire body to his head, SUPLEX ON THE EDGE OF THE APRON! GEEZ! Hiroshi’s neck cracked against the mat!

MN: Oh he’s a Masochistic little bugger isn’t he…

DT: Joey rolls Kin into the ring, dead weight now. This entire affair turned on a dime seconds ago. Hiroshi looking out of it, possibly for good. ONE….TWO…..FOOT ON THE ROPES! Kin flat lining but finds a pulse!

MN: This is why you need a manager…to keep wandering feet where they shouldn’t be. If Lindsay Troy would stop parading around as a World Champion, championing woman’s rights, and get back where she belongs…Melton’s side…Hiroshi would’ve already been denied his 10th career win.

DT: Now it’s Melton’s turn to look annoyed at the pace of the count. By the back of the collar he’s got Kin up, IRISH WHIP, hip toss! Old-school, but more effectively ripping at Kin’s wound…the lower neck! Hiroshi sits up in immeasurable pain, screaming at the heavens above. Melton with a running start, SNAP MARE!

DM: The former tag champion knows he has Hiroshi hurt. Look at him posing Dave…

[CUTTO: Melton on one knee, acting as if he’s checking a palm pilot for a to-do list.]

DT: Melton shrugging off Houston’s disapproval. He measures Kin like a yardstick, KNEE DROP! If Joey didn’t split Kin’s own forehead, I don’t know what will. Melton casually dragging Kin to the corner by one foot, fans rising to their feet…they know what’s coming.

MN: Christmas come early?

DT: Hard stomp to the groin by Melton, and Kin tucks and grabs. Joey drops out of the ring but not before talking smack to Kin, calling them even I’m sure. Melton reaches under the ring, grabs both legs…FIGURE FOUR AROUND THE IRON POST!

MN: This is the price Kin pays for breaking up the Cameron Cruise Project. All those action figures, autographed posters, and lunchboxes PERSONALLY signed by Melton…bought for Christmas now useless.

DM: Though, on the bright side they’re selling on EBAY like hot cakes from what I understand.

DT: Kin yelling in agonizing pain. He may already have a broken neck, Hiroshi has to give it up here. Joey, leaning back further, pulling on those legs…nobody does it better.

[CUTTO: Joey’s POV, hanging upside down. He eyes the suit again, this time flanked by two other imposing figures, all three ringing their hands, smirking at Kin’s disposition. ]

DT: Hiroshi white as a ghost…Melton being told to break the hold and he does. A beat early as well. Will wonders never cease? Joey back in the ring as Hiroshi limps around, damage done. Melton folds Kin’s left arm over the top rope, KNIFE EDGE CHOP!

[CUTTO: Joey’s POV, absent-mindedly staring into the seats, and the three suits.]

MN: Great lesson for the kids at home to mind your own business, and speak when spoken to. Hiroshi paying the price for playing Dr. Phil.

DT: Joey leads Kin to the center of the ring, folds Kin’s left leg behind him….knee drop, looking to square this as well, Joey bends and lifts Kin up, NO! Hiroshi thrown out…great reversal! Melton charges, KICK TO THE GUT! Joey doubled over like he ate a bad breakfast.

DM: It’s going around, apparently.

DT: Kin…GEEZ! CANADIAN DESTROYER1 Sunset flip into a piledriver! FROM OUT OF NOWHERE! [Huge pop] Hiroshi might do it, the cover…

MN: NO! Lessons have to be learned!

DT: One….two……[the crowd builds like a wave with anticipation] THREE!!!! THREE! Kin Hiroshi’s done it! [Massive pop in the Toyota Center] He’s beaten Joey Melton!

MN: No! Foot on the rope! Shoulder up!

DT: You shut up, it was clean! Canadian Destroyer for a big win!

[CUTTO: Hiroshi rolling out of the ring, still limping but on his legs, overjoyed with the victory as the crowd shows love. Doubled over, he gets a look at the suits, pauses, then smiles and mouths, “Dinner on me.”]

DT: Melton livid in the ring, shoving the ref around. I don’t know what legal claim he has here…

MN: It’s a class claim. People like Kin Hiroshi don’t deserve a win over Joey Melton!

DM: Tis the season Mike, Tis the season.

[CUTTO: Kin walking up the aisle on his balky knee, clapping hands with the fans. He stops as a camera pans in and holds out a $100 bill.]

DT: Fans we gotta take a break, but we’ll come back with more, oh! Melton just tossed the ref over the ropes. Come on!