MN: I didn’t know Frankie Scott had it in him!
DM: You mean cheating?
MN: I mean doing what it takes to win.
DT: Well guys, we’ve got the tag team match for the number one contenders’ spot up next and you have to admit, the tag team ranks have certainly been building quite a head of steam as of late. We’re going to see two of our premier tag teams going at it right here tonight to determine who will get the next shot at the current tag team champions, Blitz!
MN: I’m telling you, as much of a fan of the Highland Park Social Club as I am, I can’t help but think that they’re at a huge disadvantage going up against a monster like Eisenkreuz.
[CUE UP: “I Am the Bullgod” by Kid Rock. Priest and Eisenkreuz enter to MASSIVE heel heat.]
MN: Do you see what I mean? This guy is a freakin’ beast! I’m nowhere near him and I’m scared. I can’t believe what’s going through the Club’s mind right now.
DM: That is very true, Neels. But Chip and Richard have both seen some big guys in their career.
MN: But have they ever faced the World’s Strongest Man?
DM: You mean Mark Henry?
MN: No. Not the world’s sixteenth strongest man. The World’s STRONGEST man.
DM: I’m going to say no.
MN: That’s what I thought.
[CUE UP: “Ride of the Valkyries” by Richard Wagner. Chip Friendly and Richard Farnswirth then enter to even MORE heel heat.]
DT: You know, I never thought I’d hear Priest and Eisenkreuz’s opponents actually get more boos than them, but I’d venture to guess that I’m hearing that right now.
DM: Well, the Highland Park Social Club has certainly not made any friends in their brief stay here in EPW. But man, have they made an impact already or what?
DT: Well, Chip Friendly and Richard Farnswirth are no strangers to the ring, and these fans know it.
MN: And they are about to show you just that right here, Thomas! The Highland Park Social Club is going to be my pick to win this match!
DT: Didn’t you just say that if you were them, you’d be afraid of Eisenkreuz?
MN: Yes.
DT: But they’re still going to win?
MN: Look, Chip will just have to take one for the team with Eisenkreuz while Farnswirth manhandles Priest. You’d really be amazed at the Club’s in-ring intelligence.
DM: Well, I doubt that will be their exact philosophy in the ring, but I wouldn’t be surprised if keeping Eisenkreuz out of the ring was part of their plan.
DT: Well, they’re all set in the ring. Tony Fatora is out and ready to ring the bell, so here we go!
[DING DING DING]
DT: Here we go. Looks like Chip Friendly and Priest are going to start this one out. They step to the middle of the ring where they tie up in a collar and elbow. Priest quickly gets on the offense with a side headlock.
DM: But Chip’s not going to stay in that for long as he backs Priest into the ropes and presses him off to the opposite ropes!
DT: Big back elbow there by Chip! Priest went down quickly, and now Chip is going on the offense.
DM: There’s a stomp to the midsection, followed by another as Chip pulls Priest up and to his feet. Scoop slam there by Chip!
DT: He pulls Priest up again as he backs him into the Highland Park Social Club corner. Hard knife-edge chop from Chip and there’s a tag to Farnswirth. Farnswirth enters and quickly gives Priest another back elbow as he keeps him trapped in the corner.
DM: Farnswirth pulls Priest to the middle of the ropes as Chip Friendly exits the ring. There’s an Irish whip by Farnswirth.
DT: Quick arm drag takedown by Farnswirth! He now locks Priest in an armbar as he reaches out to tag Chip back in.
DM: Chip enters and quickly gives a kick to Priest’s shoulder as Farnswirth relinquishes the hold and exits the ring. Great tag team wrestling by the HPSC to get things started here on Aggression.
DT: Chip pulls Priest up to his feet one more time here. There’s a wristlock. And now Chip rotates himself under Priest’s arm to put a little more torque on that shoulder and wrist. Priest screams out in pain as he looks for the tag to Eisenkreuz, but he is very well isolated in the wrong corner here.
DM: Chip is going to rotate under him again here. And he adds a little force there and flips Priest over and to the mat! Priest is on his behind here as Chip bounces off the adjacent ropes…
DT: Big kick right to that shoulder that has already been worked over so well here in the early going of this match! Chip reaches over and tags Farnswirth back in before pulling Priest up and locking him in another wristlock.
DM: Looks like Farnswirth is going to go to the second rope here. And there’s a big double axe handle crashing down on Priest’s shoulder as the ref escorts Chip out of the ring.
DT: Farnswirth goes for that wristlock one more time. No. He quickly turns it into a hammerlock. He reaches down. And there’s a big scoop slam onto Priest’s arm that was already in that hammerlock!
DM: Farnswirth quickly bounces off the near ropes. And now drives a knee right into that shoulder of Priest!
MN: Kids, this is what tag team wrestling is all about! If you want to see some good tag team wrestling, simply watch the masters of the ring here, Richard Farnswirth and Chip Friendly!
DM: Absolutely excellent point Neels. The HPSC have effectively taken the monster Eisenkreuz out of this matchup!
DT: And now Farnswirth nails Eisenkreuz right on the apron!
MN: Kids, this is what dumb wrestling is all about. Why would you go and anger the big man into making his way into the ring?
DT: I’m not sure, but Eisenkreuz has made his way into the ring here!
DM: But the ref is holding him back and now Chip and Farnswirth are double teaming Priest!
MN: Brilliant!
DT: Wait! There’s a thumb to the eye on Farnswirth!
DM: And a low blow to Chip! Priest just evened the odds like that, and the ref didn’t see it because he was busy holding Eisenkreuz back!
DT: Now that’s a backfire if I’ve ever seen one. Eisenkreuz is back to the outside and ready for that tag as Priest is slowly trying to make his way to the corner. He reaches out…
DM: But Chip’s got him by the foot! There’s a kick to the face by Priest!
DT: And there’s the tag! Eisenkreuz is in! Chip makes his way over…
DM: Inverted atomic drop! Farnswirth comes charging…
DT: Powerslam! Eisenkreuz bounces up! Chip’s staggering…
DM: Short arm clothesline! He turns to look for Farnswirth…
DT: Look out! Eisenkreuz has that hand wrapped around Farnswirth’s throat…
DM: No! Farnswirth just caught Eisenkreuz with a low blow before he could lift him up for that Deutscheslammen!
DT: But here comes Priest back into the fray! He grabs Farnswirth from behind…
DM: Release German suplex! Farnswirth folded up like an accordion! Priest turns around for Chip…
DT: Oh my! Chip Friendly surprised Priest and caught him with a facebuster!
DM: Wait a second! Chip Friendly is heading to the top rope! This is not something we’re used to seeing from Everybody’s Best Friend!
MN: Never underestimate Chipperooni! Not only is he an innovator of friendship, but he’s been known to innovate offense as well!
DT: Well, he’s up. He leaps…
DM: Eisenkreuz just caught him out of midair! He quickly slings him to his side…
DT: Giant side slam by Eisenkreuz!
DM: But here comes Farnswirth from out of nowhere and locks Eisenkreuz in that Million Dollar Dream!
MN: But he doesn’t have it locked in well. He had to jump to get on Eisenkreuz’s back!
DT: Eisenkreuz is fighting, but he’s slowly wearing down! It looks like he’s going to try and back him into the corner here to try and break the hold…
DM: Oh my! Eisenkreuz shifted back recklessly and missed the corner! He and Farnswirth both just went tumbling over the top rope and to the floor!
DT: On the inside, Chip has backed Priest into the ropes with several knife-edge chops. There’s a whip across the ring…
DM: Frown Buster! Chip just nailed Priest with that Frown Buster! And now, he’s straddling Priest…
DT: The Smiley Face! Chip has Priest locked in that mandible claw-like submission hold, and I’m not sure if he’s going to be able to get away from this one…
DM: There’s the tap! This one is over! The Highland Park Social Club have earned the right to fight Blitz for the tag team titles!
TF: Ladies and gentlemen, here are your winners… The Highland Park So-
DT: What’s this? That’s Steven Shane!
MN: What the hell is that moron doing coming down here?
DT: I’m not sure, but he’s beating the hell out of Chip Friendly! Rights and more rights by Shane! There’s a clothesline into the corner!
DM: But here comes Farnswirth!
DT: Big spinebuster by Shane! He bounces back up and looks towards Chip! Chip stumbles out of the corner…
DM: DDT to Chip!
MN: How can he do that to Everybody’s Best Friend?
DT: Farnswirth charges at him again…
DM: Tilt-O-Whirl backbreaker by Shane!
DT: Oh my! Slambo the Clown just came out of nowhere and blindsided Steven Shane! Shane is down and now, the numbers may have become too much.
DM: Slambo and Chip are stomping away at Shane as he is unable to go much of anywhere here!
DT: And now, here comes Farnswirth back into things! He instructs them to lift the lifeless Steven Shane!
DM: There’s the Market Crash by Farnswirth! Shane is down and we need some help out here!
DT: Now look at Chip! He’s straddling Shane!
DM: Smiley Face! Shane is screaming for help here!
MN: He shouldn’t have started a fight he couldn’t finish!
[HUGE pop.]
DT: Wait a second! It’s Ken Cloverleaf! Is he coming to aide his tag team partner?
MN: No. He’s making the right decision, and he’s coming down here to lock Steven Shane in the Texas Cloverleaf and remind him why he shouldn’t mess with the Highland Park Social Club!
DT: Cloverleaf slides into the ring! The Club quickly scatters! Cloverleaf has his arm cocked. Come on Ken!
DM: Wait! He’s not doing anything! He’s just standing there, staring right at the HPSC! Why is he not beating the hell out of them to help Steven Shane here?
MN: Because he knows what a mistake that would be! We’re talking about the most dominant faction in the wrestling world here!
DT: Look at Farnswirth! He’s flashing a smile at Cloverleaf!
DM: What is that all about?
DT: I’m not sure, but Farnswirth is instructing the Club to leave the ring!
DM: Cloverleaf didn’t even fight back to help Shane!
DT: What the hell is going on here? The Social Club are all three backing up the ramp with HUGE smiles on their faces as Ken Cloverleaf stands in the center of the ring almost confused out of his mind!
DM: Does Cloverleaf really know what he’s doing or is the Club just going to continue to play head games with him? Whose side is he on?
DT: I’m not sure, but Steven Shane is having to pick himself up in the corner here! Cloverleaf is still doing nothing but focusing on the Club! Folks, we’re going to try and sort this out, but we’ll be right back!
[CUT-TO: Backstage, more specifically Troy Windham's dressing room. There's a gaggle of barely-legal, if that, girls filling the dressing room. Some are fawning over Z!'s calf muscles, which he flexes to swoons, a couple are seated, bare-backs to the camera while August paints their still forms on a canvas. But most of the girls are crowded around a seated Troy Windham. A cigar-smoking, bare-chested Troy Windham.
Windham reaches over and pulls a well-endowed redhead into his lap and whispers something into her ear. The girl giggles and runs over to a table and begins to rummage through a gym bag that's resting on top of it. While the girl continues her search, three more girls find themselves in Troy's lap, while two more stand behind him, rubbing his shoulders.]
REDHEAD: Hey T-Diddy [giggles], I don't think I see the Trojans in here.
WINDHAM: Keep looking, baby, they may be stuffed in a pants pocket.
[The lap girls giggle at "stuffed," while Windham smirks. The redhead keeps looking and eventually pulls something out of the bag.]
REDHEAD: Could this [giggle] be it?
[Windham looks over the girls' heads and his eyes go wide. The girls on his lap begin to laugh out loud, causing the rest of the room to divert their attention. Pretty soon, all the girls are laughing and the ones on Windham's lap find themselves pushed off and onto the floor.
Troy storms over to the redhead and snatches the box out of her hand. It's not a box of condoms.
It's a box of Viagra.]
WINDHAM: WHAT THE F[BLEEEP!] HOW THE F[BLEEEP!] DID THIS GET IN HERE?
REDHEAD: I don't know. Maybe you should ask your doctor?
[Laughter fills the room again as the girls, one by one, leave Windham and the Entourage alone in the dressing room. Windham flips the box around to discover a note taped to the back.]
WINDHAM [reading]: "We've Only Just Begun..."
[Troy's face turns red as he throws the box against the now-closed door, and the camera cuts elsewhere.]
MN: Lindsay Troy should be hunted down like a dog for embarrassing the Epitome like that!
DM: Serves him right!
DT: What a night it’s been so far leading into this match. Kin Hiroshi will be facing Adam Benjamin for the EPW Television Title. Both men have been on a roll lately, but will Mike Evers be a factor in this match like he was in Benjamin’s last match against Karla Starr?
Mike Neely: You mean when he showed Starr what a man can do to a woman when squaring off in the middle of the ring?
DT: Which is why we have a female world champion, right?
MN: It’s only a matter of time before Troy Windham takes care of that problem and the EPW can be the premiere wrestling organization in the world.
DT: It already is. I don’t know what you’re talking about. Your thoughts, Dean?
Dean Matthews: Well, it’s going to be one hell of a match. Benjamin has developed an edge to him in recent weeks, making him much more dominate. At the same time, it could hurt him in the long run. This is Kin Hiroshi, a man who has proven time and time again he is high caliber.
DT: On that note we take it down to the ring.
[Screen cuts to ringside…]
Tony Fatora: The next match is scheduled for one fall and is for the EPW Television Title.
['Sigillum Diaboli" by H.I.M plays over the EPW sound system as Kin Hiroshi breaks through the curtains and makes his way down to the ring…]
TF: The challenger, from Tokyo, Japan and weighing in at 235 pounds: Kin Hiroshi!
[The crowd pops as Hiroshi enters the ring and warms up…]
TF: And now, making his way to the ring...
[“Loose Yourself” by Emiem begins to blast as "Yours Truly" Adam Benjamin makes his way slowly to the ring.
TF: The champion. Weighing in at 245 pounds. He’s from the United Kingdom. “Yours Truly” Adam Benjamin!
[Adam makes his way into the ring and stands firm in his corner waiting for the bell to ring…]
DT: Both men are staring each other down, as this match is now under way. Neither man has made a move yet. They’re circling each other. A tie up and a nice trip by Benjamin as he follows Hiroshi onto the mat. He’s got Kin in an arm bar.
DM: He’s keeping it simple for now. We’ll see if Hiroshi can retaliate.
MN: Doubtful.
DM: And we’ve managed to get one multiple syllable word out of Neely in this match. We’ll try to make it two.
DT: Hiroshi now, rolling out of the arm bar but Benjamin catches him in a head scissors. Hiroshi struggling as Benjamin looks to be having fun.
DM: I wonder what’s going through Benjamin’s head right now.
[Crowd starts getting louder…]
DT: As if on cue, the fans are letting you know what’s going through the television champ’s mind.
[Chants of “Mike Evers” are increasingly louder… Adam Benjamin getting just as increasingly frustrated…]
DT: Kin Hiroshi working his way out of the head scissors but Benjamin gauges his eyes!
MN: Wonderful.
DM: We’ve got two out of him! Simply amazing commentary.
DT: The action continues as Benjamin maneuvers around Kin and slaps on a chin lock. Kin yelling in pain and the ref asks him if he’s finished.
DM: It won’t end like that. I’ll tell you that much.
MN: Adam Benjamin could have this match finished with whatever hold he chooses. Chin lock included.
DM: Amazing! He’s back with us.
DT: The chants continue as Benjamin once again gets away from his game plan. He’s hitting Kin Hiroshi squarely in the face with those closed fists.
DM: I’m surprised there hasn’t been any offense from Hiroshi so far in the match.
MN: Why is that surprising? That’s a typical Adam Benjamin match.
DT: Hiroshi rolling away and Benjamin close on his tail. Kin up to his feet and Benjamin reaches him… big rights and lefts by Hiroshi! Spinning kick and Benjamin goes down!
DM: How’s that for offense?
MN: Adam’s just playing with him. If all of his matches lasted 2 minutes or less then the fans would consider him boring. Instead, he keeps them clamoring for more.
DM: More Mike Evers from the sound of the crowd.
DT: Benjamin slowly getting to his feet as Hiroshi goes to the top rope. He sees Kin up there and runs over to him… Kin’s feet are out from under him and he just got railed.
MN: I’m lovin’ it!
DT: Benjamin drags him off of the turnbuckle. Front face lock applied and it’s looking like Adam Benjamin is bringing this back to the mat.
DM: It’s where he’s the most comfortable, Dave. Adam Benjamin has definitely set the pace for this match. Great attempt by Kin to pick up the tempo, but he’s been slowed down once again.
DT: Hiroshi struggling… Benjamin from a front face lock into a DDT! Hiroshi is laid out flat.
[Crowd once again with the chant of “Mike Evers”…]
MN: Can somebody get these fans to shut up for a few minutes while Adam finishes off Hiroshi. They can chant whatever they want to after that.
DT: Benjamin with the slow methodical break down of Hiroshi’s defenses here tonight. He helps Kin up and Kin with a surge of energy… he pushes Benjamin back.
DM: I don’t know where he’s getting this energy from.
DT: Benjamin goes back a few steps before surging back at Hiroshi. Hiroshi with a stiff clothesline! Benjamin back up… he’s whipped into the ropes. Hiroshi with a big back body drop! Benjamin up again with a boot to the stomach and yet another DDT on Kin Hiroshi. He’s standing Hiroshi back up and slaps him into the abdominal stretch…
DM: Now that’s something I don’t see too often!
MN: Adam Benjamin is putting on a clinic and I’m loving every minute of it!
DT: The crowd is clearly under Benjamin’s skin tonight as he drops Hiroshi and yells out at the fans. This is very untypical of him, but we’ve seen this side of him before.
DM: The fans are the least of his concerns. That guy really needs to concern himself with the guy he’s been giving a lot of opportunities to in this match.
DT: Hiroshi is standing up right now. It’s obvious to see he’s in a lot of pain.
MN: What’s this fool trying to do?
DT: He’s going to the top again. Benjamin has his back turned and can’t see Hiroshi.
DM: He’s too busy jaw-jacking with the fans from inside the ring.
DT: He turns around just in time and MISSILE DROPKICK from Hiroshi! Oh my… that sent Benjamin out of the ring and Hiroshi is on the mat rolling in pain.
DM: You can tell that Benjamin is stunned on the outside, but he’s on all fours out there so he’s okay.
[Crowd starts chanting once again…]
DT: There’s once fan in particular that is giving Adam Benjamin an earful at ringside from behind the rail. Benjamin getting to his feet and turning to the fan. The fan just said something about Mike Evers to him… he just slapped that fan! Oh my God! That’s probably going to have some repercussions when the night is over.
MN: Not from Kin Hiroshi though. He’s been using the ropes to try and pull himself up but he’s not doing a very good job of it.
DM: Has anyone else noticed that Benjamin hasn’t been paying attention to the ref’s count?
DT: He’s busy with the fans, as a few of the buddies of the man he just slapped have come to his rescue. Security is settling the issues as we speak.
[This whole time the ref has been counting…]
8…
9…
10!!!!!!!!!!
DT: The ref has called for the bell on this one. Hiroshi is up on his feet now in the ring.
[The ring announcer speaks over the EPW sound system…]
Ring Announcer: The winner of this match as a result of a count out… Kin Hiroshi!
[The crowd cheers as once again a chant starts breaking out among the crowd…The referee holds Kin Hiroshi’s hand high…Hiroshi heads up the ramp to the back and Benjamin slaps the apron in frustration. Benjamin stalks over to the crewman near the time keeper and demands a microphone.]
A-Ben: I’ve had it with all of this Mike Evers crap. You people want Mike Evers??
[loud cheers]
A-Ben: Shut up!!! Mike Evers doesn’t deserve a shot at this title!! Evers!! You want a piece of me….I’ll tell you what!! You can have a shot at me…but only if that stupid hick of a manager of yours can pin me first!! That’s right, Evers!! Tell Wisconsin Bill…hyuk hyuk…that if he wants his new protégé to get a TV Title shot on pay per view…he has to pin my shoulders to the mat. You have until the end of the night to answer…then I’m comin’ back there to find you and beat an answer out of you.
[Benjamin slams the mic down and walks angrily up the ramp and through the curtain.]
DT: This isn’t how Hiroshi wanted to win tonight. Adam Benjamin keeps the title and seems to be entirely too interested in what the fans think, now even challenging Wisconsin Bill to a match for the right to have Mike Evers get a TV Title shot at Unleashed! Well wrestling fans, we’re sorry but we have to cut to a commercial break. Don’t change that dial! EPW Aggression 23 will be back after these messages!
[Scene fades to your local monster truck rally advertisement… “Sunday, Sunday, SUNDAY!”…]