[CUT TO: Dan Ryan’s office, as he sits and goes through some paperwork prior to Aggression 24. A knock on the door is heard, and without raising his head Ryan calls out to come in. Seconds later The Sergeant walks in. Ryan continues to look at his desk.]
Ryan: What can I do for you?
Sarge: Here’s the thing. I’m new and all, but I just don’t get this. Frankie Scott hits me with a pair of knucks, takes a cheap win and you reward him with a NO DQ match. Am I missing something here? How is that fair?
Ryan: Who said I was rewarding Frankie Scott?
Sarge: Well, that’s how it looks to me.
Ryan: Maybe I’m just leveling the playing field a little bit. [Ryan looks up from his desk at Sergeant for the first time.] You know, I’m aware that you’re all into glory and honor and good boy scout deeds and all that. I know you’re not a guy who breaks the rules. So, what if you were in a match where there WERE no rules? Did you ever think of it that way?
Sarge: It’s a good point you make.
Ryan: [Nodding] Glad you like it. Now then, is there anything else?
Sarge: [Shaking his head] Nah, boss. Thanks for your time.
[The Sergeant turns and walks out, leaving Ryan looking behind him, muttering as he returns to his paperwork.]
Ryan: [Under his breath] Rookies…
[CUE UP: "Imperial March" - Rage Against the Machine. A video montage plays, featuring smoke-wreathed images of various wrestlers, some of them leaving blurred trails as they move.
CUT TO: Beast nailing the Absolution on Adam Benjamin.
CUT TO: Karl Brown coming off the ropes with a Quebrada.
CUT TO: Christian Sands standing victorious in the ring.
CUT TO: JA delivering the Karelin Driver to Ron Artest
CUT TO: Adam Benjamin delivering a Shining Wizard to Karl Brown.
CUT TO: Joey Melton, mugging for the crowd.
CUT TO: Boogie Smallz lighting up a blunt.
CUT TO: Lindsay Troy dropkicking Beast.
CUT TO: JA and Sebastian Dodd locking up in the middle of the ring.
CUT TO: Dan Ryan sitting sedately in a chair, staring into the camera.
CUTTO: With a clash of metal, a logo slams across the screen, its edges flickering.]
[Cut to the ramp, where a wreath of pyro explodes around the EmpireTron and several bomblike, smoky explosions ripple about the entry way. The camera zooms in on the screen as the pyro finally peters out, then blurs to roving shots of the roaring crowd as a small banner in the corner briefly appears to proclaim that EPW is broadcast en Espanol.]
[We cut to the broadcast booth where Dave Thomas, Mike Neely and Dean Matthews sit.]
DT: Live from the Delta Center in Salt Lake City, Utah!!! It’s Empire Pro Wrestling’s Aggression!!! I’m your party host, Dave Thomas and alongside me as always are Dean Matthews and the ineffable Mike Neely.
MN: Your mom’s ineffable.
DT: Do you even know what ineffable means, Neely?
MN: It doesn’t sound good.
DT: Tonight’s a big show as we head into Unleashed. Later on tonight our esteemed owner Mr. Dan Ryan will have an announcement regarding the main event of that show, in addition to a huge battle royal for a spot in said main event. That and much much more, but first up tonight folks, we've got a great debut match, where we'll be seeing Lane Stone, formerly of Shoot Fighting fame, taking on Priest!
DM: Priest, of course, being booked in this match against the veteran technician after his loss with bodyguard Eizenkreuz to the Highland Park Social Club, who we'll be seeing in single's competition later tonight.
MN: This is ridiculous, you know. Priest and Eisenkreuz were cheated out of their win last week.
DT: How on Earth do you figure, Mike?
MN: C'mon, Wendy's Man! I wasn't the only one who saw the run in by Sensationally Perfect.
DT: But that happened after Priest tapped to the Smiley Face!
MN: Oh, who the hell pays attention to such technicalities, anyway...?
DM: [Clears his throat in response].
MN: Shut up, you.
"Walk" by Pantera cues up as the lights dim in the arena.]
TF: Making his Empire Pro Wrestling debut, weighing in at two-hundred and forty-five pounds, from San Diego, California... Please welcome... LANE... STOOOOOONE!
[Stone makes his way down to the ring, slapping the hands of fans along the way amidst a generous face pop for the newcomer, one most likely given in opposition to his opponent. He slides into the ring, testing the ropes a bit as he awaits Priest's arrival.]
DT: Stone, looking in prime shape for this match as he makes his way down here to show the EPW what he's made of.
MN: More like why they're wasting money on him.
DM: You know, Neely, I caught Lane's UFC try-out match a little while back, and judging by the hurting he put on his opponent, I don't think he'd take kindly to your comments.
MN: Well, that's why I'm right here, behind this fine EPW Announcing table, and not in the ring telling him to break my arm.
DT: Not a bad point, Mike. Dan Ryan certainly doesn't pay you to job out.
DM: Now THAT I'd like to see.
[Cue-up "I Am The Bullgod" by Kid Rock over the PA system as the crowd transcends from restless cheers into a heavy swarm of boo's.]
TF: And now, making his way to the ring... Weighing in at two-hundred forty-eight pounds, and accompanied by his bodyguard, Eizenkreuz... From DETROIT ROCK Ci..city..
[Tony Fatora's voice trails off in mid-sentence as he realizes, to his surprise, that though the music blares over the loudspeakers, the ebon curtain has not so much as shuffled, and Priest is nowhere to be seen. Slowly, the music dies down into silence, allowing the microphones to pick up the crowd's surprise as well. Eventually, a chant begins across the arena of "WHAT THE F**K" as the absence of Stone's opponent proves to be more than a simple delay. As the camera cuts back to the ring, the fans at home catch a glimpse of Lane Stone leaning against a turnbuckle impatiently, and we can tell that he is not impressed at all.]
DT: Priest and Eizenkreuz have missed their cue, and are no where to be seen! Maybe Priest does intend to walk out on this match, after all!
MN: And rightfully so. How dare Ryan shove a veteran of the ring like Priest into a match with this nobody!
DT: Have you ever even read the EPW worker's contract, Mike?
MN: AGAIN with the technicalities. I'm always a supporter of "sticking it to the man". WHITE P--!
DT: STOP, Mike. Just... stop.
[Very abruptly, amidst all the confusion, "I Am The Bullgod" hits the PA once again as the lights begin to dim, and Eizenkreuz is seen parting the curtain so as Priest can make his way onto the stage. Somewhat delayed by the strange happenings of the introductions, Tony once again begins the announcing.]
TF: Weighing in at two-hundred forty-eight pounds, accompanied by Eizenkreuz... from DETROIT ROCK CITY... PRRRRRRRRRRRIEST!
[Priest finally wades through the curtains and onto the stage, a microphone in hand. However, he is not even remotely prepared for the match. He wears his usual expensive blue nylon pants, and a black t-shirt with the "Priest" logo on it, an "EPW" logo on the back, and is wearing lounge slippers on his feet. The crowd roars in disapproval as the music cuts out, with Priest having barely made it to the end of the entrance ramp, Eizenkreuz in tow.]
DT: What the heck is going on with Priest tonight?
Lane Stone: [Having retrieved a microphone from a stagehand] What the hell is this?!
Priest: Well, Mr. Stone, despite my "running around like a chicken with its head cut off", I'm holding true to my statements. This "rookie" is not going to face you. As I stated before to that inconsiderate worm, Libido...[Eizenkreuz leans in for a moment, whispering into Priest's ear. Priest turns to him momentarily before continuing his rant.] Oh, who cares what the twit's name is? That isn't the point, Deutchbag! [He takes a breath before turning back to Lane, in the ring.] As I was saying... Like I told the pest who interrupted my massage, I have absolutely no intention of stepping into the ring against some cheap Ken Shamrock rub-off who decides he wants to have his first loss to an amazingly talented worker like myself.
MN [V/O]: Well said!
DT [V/O]: Oh, please.
LS: [Leaning over the top rope angrily, pointing his finger down towards the cocky Priest.] Listen here, you egomaniacal tit, I did not come all this way for some two-bit punk in Fifth Avenue work-out clothes to tell me that he's too much of a pansy to step in the ring against a real man! Now cut the pre-maddona act, you get your fancy ass in here so I can tap you out, and let's get on with the match!
P: Please, spare me. Tap to some petty grappler who thinks because he can put his little brother in a headlock he's ready to try his luck against an icon? Feh! [Priest begins laughing, and the massive Eisenkreuz follows in suit. The crowd begins to get restless, their taunting screams against Priest getting louder by the moment.] I never tap, it's just not my style. Certainly not to the likes of some pesky fly who wants to prove himself. But don't worry, my angry friend, you'll have your match. I've taken care of your opponent, because I'm a considerate man, and we can both be happy; You can prove your worth to the higher up's, and I don't risk ruining the effects of my deep tissue massage from last weekend.
DT: Priest did say that he'd have a replacement. I wonder who he has in mind, since he's made it clear that Eisenkreuz is not to step into the ring, either!
MN: He did say he had the Denver Broncos in his pocket. I bet its Middle Linebacker and former Pro-Bowl nominee Al Wilson!
DT: Have you been accepting off-the-books promotional deals again, Mike?
MN: Have you seen the recent pay cuts, Dave? You're just lucky you've got that fast food business. Some of us aren't so fortunate.
[The crowd's attention is diverted to the entrance ramp where the curtains part in a barely noticeable way as the midget wrestler Beastlet makes his way down to the ring. He dances down to the ring happily, but the crowd goes into an uproar of disapproval, and chants of "BULLSH*T" are heard throughout the arena. He enters ringside, and Eizenkreuz lifts the small man onto the ring apron, where he proceeds to climb into the ring.]
DM: What the hell is HE doing here?!
MN: Well, he's no Pro-Bowl'er, but Beastlet is certainly a worthy opponent for an opening bout.
DM: WHAT?
DT: This is a double insult! Priest has nominated a midget to face Stone, who is a highly skilled submissionist! This is going to be murder!
DM: There's no way this can be a legal match.
DT: I think it is, Dean, because there's the bell, and although Stone is in no mood to fight him, Beastlet is ready to go!
[As the bell rings, Stone is disgusted at the sheer idea of this mockery, and begins to walk to the other end of the ring to exit, throwing his hands in the air in frustration. Beastlet, however, begins to provoke him. Hopping around the ring, the tiny man begins hollering at Stone, insulting him with catcalls and egging him on to fight him. Stone momentarily turns back to Beastlet, pointing at the midget and explaining in shouts how he won't fight him, to which Beastlet replies by kicking Stone in the shin.]
DT: Beastlet is not joking around, he really wants to try his luck against Lane Stone!
MN: This is a disgusting display of sportsmanship for a guy who's trying to impress the company, Dave.
DT: What are you talking about?
MN: Refusing to fight Beastlet because of his size? This is discrimination!
DT: It's an act of mercy, Mike. Stone would kill him!
[Beastlet continues with his taunts, kicking Lane in the shins as he dances around him in circles. Though Stone persists that he refuses to fight the midget, it is clear that he's getting tired of being made a fool in his debut match. Finally, though the microphones do not pick it up, Stone reaches the final limits of his patience when Beastlet says something that clearly upsets him. Stone throws his arms wide, advancing on the small, furry man, asking if he's sure he wants to fight. Beastlet, though now backing on the defense, keeps nodding and shouting at Lane. Lane then delivers a swift kick to the head of Beastlet out of nowhere, knocking him sideways and immediately to the ground. As the crowd exclaims both surprise and joy at the attack, the camera pans to show Beastlet pick himself off the canvas, blood pouring from his forehead.]
DT: Stone has had enough, and he let Beastlet feel it!
MN: This is ridiculous! Somebody stop the match!
DM: I thought you wanted Stone to fight him, McNelly.
MN: What? He'll kill him!
DT: But you just said--
MN: He'll KILL HIM, Dave! He's a National Champion, and expert in submission! Beastlet is four feet tall!
DT: But... You know what? I'm not even going to argue this one.
[Stone is immediately on the attack, kicking the downed Beastlet as he scrambles across the ring to try and regain his composure. Stone, obviously venting his anger of the joke that his first match has become, lifts Beastlet off the ground by his singlet and performs an odd looking German suplex that promptly launches Beastlet from one end of the ring to the other, resulting in the small man recovering to his feet, and falling backwards in a daze.]
DT: Vertical Suplex by Stone, and Beastlet almost got thrown out the other side of the ring!
DM: I may be totally against this match, Dave, but Beastlet had it coming. We've seen now that Lane Stone is not a man who you want to push too far.
DT: If this is any indication on how he plans to handle matches in the future, then the rest of the EPW roster had best be cautious about stepping into the ring with him. Stone, lifting Beastlet off the mat again.. Super DDT by Stone! My God, he's going to kill him if he keeps up the power moves!
[Stone lifts the near motionless Beastlet off of the canvas yet again, following up with yet another DDT in which he wraps Beastlet's head in one arm, while keeping him suspended in the air by holding him between the legs with his other hand. Assured that he's knocked all the fight out of the midget, Stone drops to the ground beside Beastlet, wrapping an massive arm around his neck and pulling back in a grounded neck lock that threatens to tear his head off.]
DT: Stone with a vicious sleeper on Beastlet, and I'd say he finished the job with that first kick!
MN: This is murder! Someone call the ACLU!
DM: What the Hell are you--
DT: The ref has seen enough, and he's calling for the bell! This one is over, folks, and I think I speak for all of us when I say that it's about time!
[The bell rings, and Stone quickly releases the hold, standing as Tony Fatora re-enters the ring to make the announcement of the apparent winner. The camera pans and we can see a delighted Priest at ringside, laughing and clapping at the mockery that this match has become. Lane Stone, however, is obviously not amused, and has a look of murder burning in his eyes as he points to Priest, beginning to advance slowly towards the opposite side of the ring.]
DT: This one might not be over yet, folks!
MN: Oh, this is unbelievable! First he nearly decapitates a vertically challenged man, and now he's going to pick on a guy who's just trying to stay in shape? Who does this guy think he is?
DT: Priest may wish he had gone back to the dressing room early, because Stone looks like he wants the match he came out here for! Priest and Eizenkreuz, retreating hastily down the entrance ramp.. UNBELIEVABLE! Stone launches himself from the third turnbuckle into a HUGE diving spear, plowing into the backside of Priest! What a stunt!
MN: Priest is helpless under this maniac! Stone, locking in a Camel Clutch, and even Eizenkreuz can't get him off! WHERE'S THE JUSTICE?!
DT: What staying power in Lane Stone! Eisenkreuz is trying to rip Stone off of Priest, but not even the massive powerhouse can manage! The ringside bell is ringing non-stop, and Stone is trying to rip the head of Priest right off his shoulders!
DM: Here comes security, I think Freeman feels this circus act is about over.
[Ringside becomes flooded with EPW officials as Eizenkreuz and numerous backstage personnel finally rip Stone off of the downed Priest, escorting the new superstar up the ramp amidst the cheers of the crowd as two referees and Eizenkreuz tend to Priest.]
DT: What a debut from Lane Stone!
MN: I hope Ryan sends him back to the steroid farm he came out of. What a disgrace to the good name of our sport!
DM: You'd know a lot about that, wouldn't you, Mike?
MN: Oh, be quiet you--
DT: Folks, we'll be right back after this, don't you DARE touch that dial!
[Cue up a commercial for Colon Blow, now with 285% more fiber than before!]