DT: What a night of first-round contests we’ve had tonight as we open up the King of the Cage here in Yankton, and the match we’ve got for you now has been as hotly contested a war of words we’ve seen in quite some time.

DM: JA and Kin Hiroshi have gone back and forth all week, and it’s a shame these two drew each other in the first round, because I’m sure there are a lot of people who expected one, if not both of these men to contend for the King of the Cage title and the number one contendership.

MN: Not me.

DM: Why?

MN: No reason. Just felt like it.

DM: Alllllll-riiiiiiiiiigggghhhhht. Dave?

DT: Oy vey. Let’s just go to Tony for the introductions

[CUT TO: Tony Fatora, mid-ring with microphone in hand.]

TF: Ladies and gentlemen, the following is a first round KING OF THE CAGE contest, where the winner will be the first man to escape the cage either over the top of the cage or through the cage door. Introducing first…

[CUE UP: “Sigillum Diaboli” H.I.M. as Kin Hiroshi emerges from backstage an jogs straight towards the cage, a confident expression on his face.]

TF: Hailing from Seattle, Washington, he stands 6’1” and weighs in tonight at 240 pounds. He is THE MUFFIN MAN….KIIIIIIIIIIIN HIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOSSSSHIIIIII!

[Hiroshi enters the cage through the door and warms up, bouncing off the ropes a few times.]

TF: His opponent…

[CUE UP: “Eat the Rich” Fozzy. JA stands behind a silhouetting curtain so that you can only see a shadowed outline of him, back facing the door and wingspan outstretched. Then, as soon as the lyrics kick in, a giant bang of pyro blows up and JA hops around through the curtain with Lollipop following behind him. After that, it's the usual face fare; slapping hands, answering cat calls and generally hamming it up for the crowd. He runs towards the cage and, instead of entering through the door, he scales the cage, pausing at the top to play to the crowd.]

TF: Hailing from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, he stands 6 feet tall and weighs in tonight at 219 pounds…JAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY AAAAAAAYYYYYYEEEEE!!!!!

[SFX: Bell rings. JA jumps down the last few feet to the ring and is stung immediately with a right hand from Hiroshi.]

DT: Kin’s not waiting one second! He’s just firing away at JA, not giving him a chance to gain his bearings.

MN: Does that mean I can take his bearings?

DM: Sure, why the hell not?

MN: Sweet!

DT: Hiroshi’s laying into JA with those forearm shots, JA tries a clothesline…misses! Hiroshi pulls through…irish whip…he holds on and drives his knee straight into the sternum of the Anglo Luchador! Hiroshi flows through with an arm ringer, and he elbows JA in the stomach and flips him over with a hip toss.

DM: Even in the cage, Hiroshi is still as technically sound as anyone in EPW.

MN: Boo hoo, Deano. It’s a cage match. BRING ON THE CRAZY STUFF!

DM: Later, Neely, later. For now, lay off the coffee.

MN: No coffee for me. White Hot Chocolate. Welcome to Cozytown, *****es!

DT: Actually, that stuff is pretty good, Dean.

DM: Your on HIS side now? Dear sweet lord, they knoweth not what they are doing.

DT: Back to the action, and Hiroshi’s got a standing surfboard applied, with his knee planted right into the middle of JA’s spine. You can’t see his face under that mask, but you’ve gotta think that underneath he’s showing a fair bit of pain right now.

MN: Maybe, maybe not. We’ve never seen under the mask. Maybe that mask really IS his face.

DM: Or…no.

MN: Yeah, you’re probably right. But, what if you’re not? What if it’s all a giant conspiracy? What if…

DM: Cram it, Mikey.

DT: JA’s trying to leverage himself up, he’s almost to his feet…he makes it! Hiroshi can’t keep the surfboard locked on and we’re back to square one. Collar and elbow lockup, and JA shoves Hiroshi off the ropes. The Muffin Man leapfrogs JA on the rebound…back he comes…BIG dropkick by JA and both men go flipping over!

DM: Perfect form on that dropkick, and it’s the first sign of life we’ve seen from JA tonight.

DT: Hiroshi up, and JA goes straight at his knees with round kicks! Hiroshi buckles over…JA nails him across the sternum with an absolutely BLISTERING knife-edged chop!

MN: Everybody chops…WOOHOOOOOOOO!!!!

DM: That’s not how it goes!

MN: I know, just trying something different.

DM: Moron.

DT: Hiroshi up again…JA cuts him off with another vicious chop, and another…ONE MORE!!! He’s chopping the Muffin Man’s chest completely raw!

MN: As opposed to Hiroshi, who likes to bake things.

DT: Whip off the ropes by JA…and a big elbow knocks Kin right back down! Up he comes…arm wringer…and an elbow smash right to Kin Hiroshi’s lower arm…one to the side of his head…and a side Russian Legsweep! The Anglo Luchador takes measure of his fallen opponent…LEAPS and spikes his knee straight into Kin Hiroshi’s abdomen!

DM: JA is being absolutely methodical right now, trying to knock the energy out of Hiroshi so he won’t have the ability to get over the top of the cage.

MN: Yeah, and if he’d kneed him a few inches lower, Kin wouldn’t be able to bake any more Mini-Muffins, if you know what I mean.

DM: You’re an idiot, Neely. We all know what you mean. Always.

DT: JA pulls Hiroshi to his feet…whips him into the corner…Hiroshi staggers out…JA telegraphs the back body drop and Kin grabbed on the JA’s neck and dropped his face right across the Japanese veteran’s knee! Off the ropes comes Hiroshi, and he takes JA down with a dropkick that connects just below the knees!

DM: Hiroshi’s smart, he saw that advantage in the hole JA gave him and went right to work.

MN: That’s what she said.

DM: Don’t do that.

MN: That’s what she said.

DM: What does that mean?

MN: That’s what she said.

DM: …

DT: Hiroshi drops the elbow on JA…pops back up…running start…OOOOOHHH!!!

MN: OUCH!

DT: Kin Hiroshi hit that baseball slide kick right to JA’s jaw, and JA’s neck just moved in a way I don’t think we’ve seen since The Exorcist!

DM: Is that one of JA’s teeth that flew all the way across the ring?

MN: No.

DM: Well then, what is it?

MN: It’s…it’s…it’s a…DAMN!!! I can’t think of a snappy one-liner!

DM: Awesome.

DT: Hiroshi pulls JA up by the back of the neck…turns around…and just FIRES JA headfirst into the unforgiving steel mesh of that cage wall…AND HE DOES IT AGAIN!!!! JA staggers back…BIG RELEASE GERMAN SUPLEX!! JA’s down all the way across the ring, and Hiroshi wants to get out right now!

DM: He’s gonna have to move quick here, but if he can he’ll walk out of here with a big, big win.

DT: He’s beginning to scale that far wall, and JA is beginning to stir! Hiroshi’s halfway up the inside of the cage…JA grabs on to his left ankle! Hiroshi kicks it away and keeps climbing! Getting closer…JA dives for him, grabs both ankles and just YANKS Kin off the cage and back first onto the mat! JA hits the ropes…springboard…LIONSAULT!!!! Picture-perfect springboard moonsault by JA!!

MN: That was picture-perfect? Aw, man!

DM: What?
MN: My camera phone’s out of batteries! Do it again! PLEASE!

DT: Sorry, Mike. Maybe later, because JA’s calling for the cage door to be opened!

MN: Darn.

DT: JA going to step through those ropes, but Hiroshi’s up and there to pull him back! Hiroshi fires a big haymaker…rocks JA, but he fires right back! JA gets Hiroshi in close…and he UNLEASHES on Kin with those open-handed strikes!

MN: He’s SLAPPING him? Really?

DM: No, Mike. It’s…screw it, you wouldn’t understand.

MN: Damn right.

DT: JA shoves Hiroshi into the corner…whips him across the ring back-first into the turnbuckles! Here comes JA…FLYING KNEE STRAIGHT TO THE FACE OF KIN HIROSHI!!! Hiroshi wobbles out of the corner…straight into a snap suplex from JA…rolls through…and hits another vicious snap suplex…rolls through again…changes his grip and NAILS the fisherman’s buster!!!!!!

DM: Fantastic sequence right there for JA, and he’s really beginning to assert his control in this matchup.

DT: JA’s going towards the near cage wall and he’s going to try and get out by going over the top. Hiroshi’s slow to get up, and JA is making his way up that steel mesh! He’s to the top!

MN: When I was a kid, I was totally able to jump a fence that tall.

DM: Sure you were. I really, really believe you, Mike.

MN: HA! You’re so gullible, Deano! By the way, I can get you a great deal on the Brooklyn Bridge.

DM: Dumbass.

DT: Hiroshi is partly up that wall too! He’s got a hold of JA’s waist with his right arm…OH DEAR LORD!!!! Kin Hiroshi pried JA from the top of that wall and just suplexed him 15 feet to the ring from the top of the cage! Both men are down and quite possibly out!

DM: That was absolutely insane, Mike. Just goes to show how badly both of these men want to be the King of the Cage.

[CUT TO: Split-screen replay. Hiroshi manages to hook JA from behind as both men fall off the cage, making a tremendous impact.]

DT: Referee Bryan Weatherby is starting the ten count, if neither man can answer, someone’s getting a bye into the quarterfinals of this tournament!

DM: I don’t think either man can get up. That much height, that much impact, I just don’t see it happening.

BW: TWO…

THREE…

FOUR…

FIVE…

SIX…

DT: Hiroshi is starting to stir!

MN: So is JA!

CROWD: SEVEN…

EIGHT…

NINE…

DT: JA pulls himself to his feet with the help of the ropes! Hiroshi staggers up as well!

DM: That’s amazing, Dave. Absolutely amazing.

MN: Not really. It was a really slow ten count. We’ve been waiting—what—hour and a half?

DT: Hiroshi and JA lockup, go behind by JA who shoves Hiroshi off the ropes…DROP TOE HOLD INTO THE CAGE DOOR!!!! And I think Kin Hiroshi’s forehead has been split open, Dean.

DM: Yep.

MN: Ewwwwww. It’s all red and bubbly. Gross.

DT: Wait a minute, the impact knocked Kin Hiroshi into the door, which opened by force! Hiroshi is dangling out of the cage! If he can pull himself through the door he’ll…wait just a minute on that one! JA yanks Kin Hiroshi back into the ring and he’s got an ankle lock clamped on!

MN: That’s one way to stop him from getting out of the cage. He also could have metaphysically projected a forcefield, but his way was easier.

DT: JA’s cranking back…HIROSHI ROLLS THROUGH AND SENDS JA INTO THE CAGE DOOR!!!! But, JA’s impact opened the door, and he’s trying to untangle himself from the ropes and crawl through—no! Hiroshi grabbed both of JA’s legs…wheelbarrow into the suplex…COUNTERED!!!! JA shifted his weight in midair and countered Hiroshi’s suplex into a cutter!

DM: That’s freaky athleticism in a desperate situation. Hiroshi might’ve won this match right there if he hit that wheelbarrow suplex.

DT: JA’s going up top…he flies…FROGSPLASH!!!! Hit him after getting absolutely tremendous height on that one!!!!

DM: He just took off on that one!

MN: Uh-oh, Deano’s starting to get emotionally involved.

DM: Am not!

DT: JA is up, and he’s signaling to this capacity crowd in Yankton that he’s going for…YES!!!! WALLS OF JERICOHOLIC LOCKED IN!!!!! He’s putting unbelievable pressure on the lower back of Kin Hiroshi!

MN: Why’s he doing this? He’s gotta escape to win!

DM: If he makes Kin Hiroshi pass out from the pain, then he can’t stop him from leaving the cage, Mike.

MN: Oh yeah. Why didn’t I think of that?

DM: Because you’re a stupid douchebag.

MN: Exactly.

…

…

…

HEY!!!!!!!

DT: By the way, children, JA still has the Walls locked in, and Kin Hiroshi’s face is completely screwed up in pain! He’s trying to get to the ropes to break this one up!

DM: He can’t stay in this much longer, Dave. There’s no way.

DT: Hiroshi is making slow, slow progress towards the ropes.

Inching closer…

Closer still…

Almost there…

JA yanks him back! Hiroshi is SCREAMING in pain, and JA is doing everything he can to wrench back as far as he can on this modified Boston Crab! He’s still pulling, and Hiroshi is still getting closer and closer to the ropes….

AND…

HE…

PULLS ON THE ROPE AND SENDS JA TUMBLING INTO THE SIDE OF THE CAGE!!!! He managed to shift his weight just enough to make JA lose his balance!

MN: That had to be difficult to pull off!

DT: Hiroshi pulls himself to his feet…whips JA off the ropes…BIG LEG LARIAT!!! Hiroshi hit that square on JA’s face! Hiroshi scoops JA up…REVERSE DDT!!!! Kin Hiroshi is back and he is on fire!

MN: Um, did he just take some speed when I wasn’t looking?

DM: No.

MN: Then how the hell is he this alert again?

DM: Pure adrenaline, Mikey. As an athlete, it’s something I understand. As a puffy man-child, you don’t.

DT: Hiroshi waits for JA to get up…standing headscissors…could this be…YES! NAGASAKI FAT MAN!!!!! That devastating front flip piledriver has laid JA out in the center of this cage-enclosed ring! Kin Hiroshi is just moments away from moving on to round number two!

MN: Heheh. Flipping is cool.

DT: Hiroshi is climbing that cage very, very slowly. It’s obvious the back pain is impeding his motion. He’s struggling, but he is at the top!

DM: And JA is almost to his feet!

DT: Hiroshi looks back, and he sees JA get up! Oh, no! What is Hiroshi thinking?

MN: Get out, moron! You’ve got the match won!

DT: Hiroshi’s on top of the cage…TAKES FLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGHHTTTTTT…

DM: CRASH AND BURN!!!!

DT: JA rolled out of the way and Kin Hiroshi landed awkwardly on the mat after that cross-body attempt from the top of the cage, but JA’s not in position to get out of the cage either! He’s slumped over in the far corner!

MN: Somebody move! I gotta go to the bathroom!

DT: JA pulls himself up, and he lays a heavy boot into the back of Kin Hiroshi’s neck! JA struggles to pull Hiroshi into the corner, and he’s…scooping him up and putting him in the Tree of Woe!

DM: Best…Name…EVER!

DT: JA pumping up the crowd…charges from the corner…HESITATION DROPKICK!!!! What unbelievable height he got on that dropkick straight to the face, and it looked almost like he froze in midair.

MN: That. Was. Freaking. Sick.

DT: JA pulls Hiroshi off the corner, hooks him from behind…THERE’S THE LUCKY SEVEN SUPLEX!!! That devastating trademark suplex from the Anglo Luchador, and he’s going to try and head out of the cage! Here goes JA starting that slow climb up!

DM: He’s got to have this one. Hiroshi’s starting to get up, but he doesn’t even know where he is right now!

DT: JA pulls himself up the cage…HIROSHI STUMBLES INTO THE WALL!!! JA is dangling on the cage wall…

MN: Not for long, Burger Buddy.

DT: POWERBOMB!!!! Kin Hiroshi powerbombed JA off the cage and back to the mat!!! What a turn of events here in South Dakota, and now it’s Kin’s turn to scale the cage…NO!!!! JA, out of sheer desperation, grabbed on to Hiroshi, and is pulling himself up! They’re fighting all the way up the cage!

MN: SPIDERMAN FIGHT!!!! Can I be Doc Ock?

DM: No.

MN: But I want evil extra arms!

DT: Hiroshi and JA are trading punches as they scale the cage! They’re both up to the top…

They’re on the top and over the other side! This is unbelievable!!! Mike, Dean, these two men are DANGLING 15 feet in the air on the outside of this steel cage!

DM: One of them just has to drop down and they’ll move on, but they’re too busy beating the hell out of each other to get it done!

DT: Hiroshi…ROCKS JA WITH A LEFT HAND!!! JA is hanging by one hand off the cage and Kin Hiroshi is trying to get to the floor and have his feet touch the ground first! Kin Hiroshi is going to make it, he’s going to advance…WAIT JUST A MINUTE!!!!! LEONARD NIMOY SPECIAL FROM JA!!! He reached down and used that nerve hold on Hiroshi, who has been FROZEN in his tracks.

MN: ALL HAIL THE VULCAN NECK PINCH!!!!

DT: Hiroshi is damn near paralyzed while gripping the cage…

JA JUMPS…

DM: HIROSHI LET GO!!!

DT: WHO TOUCHES FIRST…

[SFX: Bell Rings]

DT: IT’S JA!!!!! JA’s feet hit the ground an instant before Kin Hiroshi crumpled to the protective mats, and JA is moving on after an absolutely spectacular, close-as-can-be encounter here at Aggression in Yankton.

[CUT TO: Split-screen replay in super-slo-mo. JA’s feet clearly hit the mat just moments before Hiroshi falls to the floor. JA, favoring his right side, has his left arm raised by Bryan Weatherby.]

DT: JA is one step closer to Russian Roulette. He is one step closer to being King of the Cage!

TF: The winner of the match…JAAAAAAAAAYYYYY AYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEE!!!!