DM: Well fellas – I can’t say enough about that last match. All these cage matches are wearing me out.

DT: Folks, there is nothing in the world of professional wrestling more explosive than a steel cage match, and EPW is capturing that dream and running with it here in this “King of the Cage” tournament.

DM: Absolutely right, Dave. EPW has already showcased the great drawing power of this stipulation with the first few matches we have seen here tonight.

DT: And things are definitely about to pick up as we get set to see the former EPW World Heavyweight Champion, Beast take on EPW newcomer, Beau Michaels!

MN: Something is definitely about to pick up here, but I’m not too sure it’s the wrestling action with Beau Michaels involved.

DT: He is certainly some type of character, and it will be interesting to see just how Beast approaches this match.

[CUE UP: Monks chanting fading into Nickelback's "Figure You Out"]

[Beast makes his way out from behind the curtain with Jessica on his arm. The crowd goes absolutely nuts, but probably not in favor of the big guy, if you know what I mean. Jessica’s electric red tube top ties in perfectly with her short black mini-skirt. The whistles in the arena are quite ridiculous, actually.]

DT: Well fans, prior to Wrestleverse, we did not see Beast anywhere to be found after he failed in his attempt at a rematch with the EPW World Heavyweight Champion, Lindsay Troy.

DM: That six-man free-for-all was by far one of the most entertaining matches we have ever seen here in EPW and Beast really did his part in that match, only to fall well short of the finish line.

MN: And now, Big Loafy thinks that he actually has a chance at defeating the Queen of the Ring still, or he wouldn’t have entered this match.

DT: Well, you can’t rest on just one try. You’ve got to reinvent yourself and come back better than before, Neels.

MN: This guy still looks like a giant loaf of bread to me. I think the only thing that he reinvented was his diet, which was apparently shovel, chomp, repeat.

DT: Well, you may not be excited to see Beast back in EPW, but I know that myself and these fans certainly are.

[Beast climbs into the ring with Jessica as they make their way to their corner and await the arrival of the opponent.]

[CUE UP: "Satisfaction" by Benny Benassi and the Biz.]

[To everyone’s surprise, The Chicken, rather than Beau Michaels makes his way out from behind the curtain.]

DT: Well, there’s The Chicken… Where the hell is Beau?

[As if on cue, Beau Michaels steps out from behind the curtain.]

DT: What the hell is that entourage that Michaels has with him?

[The camera pans back to show Beau surrounded by several males, all wearing wigs along with red tube tops and black mini-skirts!]

MN: It’s single white female, but with men! Irishred needs to get his damn promotion under control!

DM: And the groping that they are doing to Michaels’s midsection as he walks to the ring is quite…

DT: Repulsive? Disgusting?

MN: Gay?

DT: It is certainly something and I’m not very comfortable with it.

[The entourage finally make their way down to the ring and wait in their corner outside the cage. Beau enters and the ref instructs Jessica that she must leave the cage.]

DM: And Jessica doesn’t want to leave the cage!

MN: Of course not! That puts her that much closer to those freaks! Come sit with me, Jessica! I’ll protect you!

DT: Well, the referee really doesn’t seem to care what Jessica wants because he is still ordering her to leave the cage!

[Beast gives Jessica some reassurance and she reluctantly nods her head before finally making her way to the cage door. She exits the ring as the “Jessicas” eye her from the opposite corner. The ref finally looks to both Beast and Beau Michaels before signaling to the time keeper.]

[DING DING DING]

DT: Well, Jessica has safely made it to the outside of the ring and now we’re ready to get this match underway. The two men step to the middle of the ring and quickly lock up in a collar and elbow. Michaels quickly slips out of the hold. He’s now behind Beast…

DM: And Beau Michaels just pinched Beast on the rear end!

MN: This might be too much for me. Folks, if you have small children, you may want to send them to bed.

DT: Well, Beast is none too pleased about that action. He stares down Michaels, who is just smiling back at Beast!

DM: And there’s a hard clothesline by Beast! He damn near took Beau’s head off with that blow!

MN: Can we cool it with the heads and the blows?

DM: Oh wow. As you wish, Neels…

DT: Beast reaches down now and pulls Beau back up to his feet. Beast reaches back…

DM: Big knife-edge chop!

Crowd: WHOO!!!

DM: And another!

Crowd: WHOO!!!

DM: And another!

Crowd: WHOOOOOOO!!!!

DT: Beast now has Michaels backed into the ropes. He grabs him by the arm and now gives him an Irish whip across the ring. Michaels rebounds…

DM: And a big sidewalk slam as Beast damn near breaks Michaels in half! He goes for the cover…

DT: But that’s not how these cage matches work, Dean! He must make an escape to win!

DM: Definitely a slip up there by Beast, but I don’t think it will slow him that much.

DT: Certainly not as he pulls himself to his feet and now makes his way towards the cage door. The referee on the outside opens it…

DM: But Beast stops in his tracks!

MN: It’s those damn Jessicas!

DT: Indeed it is! Those… guys are standing right by the door and they are licking their lips as they wait on Beast to exit the ring!

MN: Literally! They’re licking their lips!

DT: And now, Beast turns back to the ring and faces the slowly rising Beau Michaels. Beast grabs him by the head to pull him up…

DM: But there’s a right to the midsection by Michaels! And now another! Michaels makes his way up to his feet.

DT: And now Michaels goes for a boot to the midsection… But Beast blocks it! Michaels is stuck here!

DM: Oh my! Enziguri by Michaels! Beast just slumped right to the mat there after that SHOT to the back of the head!

DT: And Michaels doesn’t waste anytime as he pulls Beast back up to his feet again. Beast swings a right hand…

DM: But Michaels ducks the blow! And now he quickly locks Beast in a full nelson!

DT: Oh my! Don’t look now, but that’s no longer a full nelson!

DM: Beau Michaels has just slid himself right down Beast’s body with his hands!

MN: I’m going to be nauseous.

DT: And Beast quickly pulls himself away from Michaels again!

DM: And look at the state of confusion on Beast’s face!

MN: Are you not confused, Matthews?

DM: Well, yes…

MN: Then leave Big Loafy alone! I’m actually feeling sorry for the guy here!

DT: Well, it doesn’t look like Beast is going to feel sorry for himself! He nails Michaels with a right hand! And another! Beast whips Michaels into the ropes…

DM: And a big spinebuster!

DT: And Beast is tired of this! He’s signaling to finish the match right here! Michaels is slowly pulling himself to his feet and Beast is just sitting back waiting on him here…

DM: Michaels is up. Beast steps toward him…

MN: WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!

DT: The lights have just dimmed here in the arena! Beast is lost!

DM: What the- Is that a disco ball dropping down through the cage?

DT: It is! And what is that god awful music that’s playing over the PA?

MN: Is that Moby?

DT: Don’t they realize that nobody listens to techno?

DM: Apparently the Jessicas do! They’re going nuts on the outside!

MN: Did you say going FOR the nuts? Cause they’re getting way too close for me.

DT: Look out! Beau Michaels just caught the confused Beast with a Tornado DDT out of nowhere!

DM: Oh sure. Now they cut out the music. Was that a set-up by Beau?

DT: I’m not sure. But whatever it was, I hope that it doesn’t happen again.

MN: That makes two of us.

DT: And now Michaels is making his way to the corner. He’s going to scale the cage here.

DM: This is a good move by Michaels. He really nailed Beast with that Tornado DDT when Beast was still out of it.

DT: Michaels is to the top rope now. Wait! He’s not scaling the cage! He turns around to face the ring…

DM: Guillotine leg drop to Beast!

DT: And now Michaels is pulling himself to his feet. He looks to be heading for the door of the cage!

DM: And Beau might have taken something out of himself with that leg drop. He’s moving pretty slowly as he heads for that door.

DT: No! Michaels stops again! What the hell is he doing?

DM: He’s heading back to the fallen Beast!

DT: Michaels kneels beside of Beast and now pulls him to a sitting position. What the hell is he doing?

MN: Oh my God! Did he just stroke Beast’s cheek?

DT: I think he did! He now lowers his head toward Beast’s face…

DM: Oh my! What a right hand to the face by Beast! Beast must have felt Michaels’s soft, hot breath on his-

MN: MATTHEWS!!!

DM: Wow. I think I’ve read too many romance novels.

MN: Jesus! Take it easy, Mrs. Garrison!

DT: Guys, soft, hot breaths aside, Beast is now absolutely ripping into Beau Michaels here! Right hands are flying!

DM: But look on the outside! Those Jessicas have congregated right to where Beast and Beau are! And they are really exploring each other there on the outside!

MN: I don’t think exploring is the proper word. Maybe more like spelunking!

DT: And Beast slows down as he looks at them!

DM: But he’s not going to let it affect him! He shakes his head and continues to throw those right hands into Beau’s head!

DT: And now Beast whips Michaels across the ring to the corner. That door is still open over there.

DM: Beast charges in…

DT: Wait! The Jessicas aren’t done! They’re encircling the real Jessica here! Jessica looks absolutely terrified here!

MN: I would too! At least it’s her and not me out there!

DT: Neels!

MN: Hey, tell me that you’d take her place.

DT: …

MN: That’s what I thought!

DT: Those Jessicas are almost completely surrounding Jessica here…

DM: And now Jessica gives out a shriek like I’ve never heard before!

DT: Beast turns his head and makes his way to the other side of the ring. He yells a few choice words down at the Jessicas!

DM: And they obviously don’t want any trouble! They backed off almost immediately!

DT: Beast turns back to the middle of the ring now…

DM: OH MY! Beau Michaels just caught Beast with a foreign object! He damn near shoved it down Beast’s throat! What the hell was that?

[The camera zooms in on the foreign object that still sets in Beast’s mouth.]

DT: What the- Is that a Nintendo Wii controller?

DM: It is! How the hell did he manage to get that to the ring and keep it hidden all this time?

[The camera splits to show the replay while they continue to show the action. We see Beast leave the screen as Beau slowly stands upright. He then reaches behind him and into his tights.]

DT: Oh my God! Look at the look on Beau’s face as he’s reaching down into those tights!

DM: It looks like pure ecstasy on his face!

MN: That’s it Matthews. I’m cutting your mic.

DM: Wait! Do you mean to tell me he pulled that controller out of his…

MN: [violent vomiting sounds]

DM: Ugh! Come on Neely! These shoes are brand new!!

DT: Michaels is slowly pulling himself toward Beast’s fallen body. He pulls the Wii controller out of Beast’s mouth and lifts him to his feet. Beast is wobbly here as Michaels takes a step back…

DM: And he completely smashes the Wii controller over Beast’s head! It’s in a million pieces all over the ring!

DT: Michaels turns to the door. He walks over and the referee opens the door…

[DING DING DING]

TB: Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner… BEAU MICHAELS!

MN: Oh God! This must be the celebration dance!

DT: Those Jessicas are closing in on Beau and pulling him to his feet. And now they’re dancing all around him!

MN: That’s too much gyration and hand sliding for me to stomach. I’m running to the restroom for this commercial break.

DT: Folks, we’ve still got more action to come! Don’t go anywhere!