[Cut to the backstage area, where reporter extraordinaire MOJO MASSEY suddenly bounds into the scene with a mic in hand. Standing next to him before an EPW backdrop is ROCKO DAYMON, tightening the straps on his gloves before his match in a few moments.]

Mojo!: What’s up, guys? It’s MOJO MASSEY on the scene, here to get a word from one of the eight remaining competitors in the King of the Cage tournament, Rocko Daymon.

Daymon: Sup, Mojo. Haven’t seen you in a while. Did you lose weight?

Mojo!: Rocko, in just a few moments, you’ll be entering the cage once again, against an opponent who is, by physical standards, larger and stronger than yourself. What are your thoughts going into this kind of match up?

Daymon: What, you mean my thoughts on a couple punks with a gimmick that’s been done before who name themselves after Roman emperors? Well, my first thought is Communism, Roman Empire…. what the **** is the connection, Mojo?

Mojo!: Couldn’t tell you there.

Daymon: All I know is that C.E. Augustus’ SINGLE CLAIM TO FAME is barely squeaking by the T.V. champ, Shawn Hart.

[Daymon rolls his eyes and visibly shrugs.]

Daymon: Been there, done that. Did it twice in a single night, to be frank. But that’s neither here nor there. So Augustus Gloop might’ve proven himself to be a contender for one of the other titles! but I’ve got bigger things in mind. I’m looking toward the MAIN EVENT! I’m gunning for the EPW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE!!

[He makes the ‘belt’ motion across his abdomen.]

Daymon: I have a goal to put that strap around a REAL man’s waist!

Mojo!: Well good luck to you on that, but in regards to Proletariat, do you worry about C.P. Nero possibly getting involved in this match, which helped C.E. Augustus in his win over Shawn Hart last week?

Daymon: If Nero had any brain, which I honestly doubt, then he’d know to keep his nose out of this match. You see, that’s what separates me from Augustus… and what separates a TRUE professional wrestler from some phony in tights who spends more time flexing muscles and talking trash than getting the job done.

Mojo!: How do you mean?

Daymon: A TRUE professional wrestler doesn’t need anybody to help him win matches! I made it this far on my own effort, and I’ll make it to the WORLD TITLE on my own! Augustus has to fall back on his butt-buddy, who finds a way to get involved even with the CAGE in place. But I’ve been in this industry too long to be fooled by that!

Mojo!: Well, Rocko, what about that masked man that helped YOU win your match last week? Were you somehow involved in that?

Daymon: What?! What masked man?! Damnit, Mojo, I’ve already TOLD everybody: THERE’S NO MASKED MAN!! It’s just some rumor that haters are spreading around in order to make ME look bad! You know why, Mojo? Because people are JEALOUS!!

Mojo!: Jealous?

Daymon: They envy the fact that I can go in there and win like a professional, on my own. So they drag MY name through the dirt because they can only DREAM of being someone like me!

Mojo!: But, nearly EVERYONE saw last week when that masked figure—

Daymon: Ah, to hell with this ‘masked man’ crap, Mojo! If you’re gonna waste my time boring me to death with these irrelevant questions, then this interview is finished!

[Angrily, Rocko Daymon storms off toward the ring entrance area, leaving Mojo to shake his head in confusion.]

Mojo!: Back to you, guys.

[Cut to the ring]

[“Break The Silence” by Killswitch Engage invades the PA. The team of Proletariat: C.E. Augustus and C.P. Nero appear at the top of the stage to a chorus of boos.]

TF: Ladies and gentlemen… the following contest is a second round match-up of the Empire Pro KING OF THE CAGE TOURNAMENT!! Introducing first… hailing from Dallas, Texas… weighing in at 311 pounds… HE IS THE MARXIST ENFORCER…… SEE—EE—AAAAUUUGUUUUUSSSTUUUUUSSS!!!!

DT: What do you think of C.E. Augustus, guys?

DM: Dunno if I buy the whole “Communist” thing… but Augustus has proven he can play with the big boys. He had an impressive win over Shawn Hart last week, of course, he had a little help from his partner, C.P. Nero…

MN: Hart was CHEATED, damn it!!

DT: You really have to wonder if C.E. Augustus is keeping C.P. Nero in mind during this match… but can he compete to his full potential when his attention is divided?

[“Stones From The Sky” by Neurosis kicks in over the PA. With only a career highlight reel marking his entrance, Daymon appears at the top of the stage and holds both of his fists into the air.]

TF: And introducing next… hailing from Tacoma, Washington… weighing in at 243 pounds…. HERE IS……….. ROOOOOCKOOOOOOO DAAAAAAYYYYMOOOOOOOONNNN!!!!

[The fan response is a wave of LOUD BOOS from the audience! Daymon sneers at this greeting and verbally berates them as he makes his way to the ring.]

DM: These fans are really letting him have it tonight…

MN: That’s because Iowans wouldn’t know true talent if it smacked the livid crap out of them personally.

DT: Rocko Daymon, of course, has come under MUCH scrutiny after his controversial win over Arson Zanders last week, thanks in part to a masked assailant’s interference near the end of the match. Daymon has denied involvement—and even gone as far as to deny the incident entirely—but these won’t easily forgive a man who cheats to progress in this King of the Cage tournament.

DM: That wasn’t just an isolated incident, either—I heard a masked person wearing similar clothes got involved in his match at the TEAM Invitational Tournament. So whoever it is… somehow, they have a connection to the man who is just now entering the steel cage.

MN: You guys are crazy.

DT: Both competitors are in the ring. The cage door has been closed… the bell has been rung… and this match is underway! Daymon and Augustus start things off by circling each other… and there’s the lock-up! WHOA!! Augustus puts his strength to work, throwing Daymon down to the mat!

DM: C.E. Augustus definitely has the size advantage in this match… which would put Rocko in a dangerous situation while confined to a cage. But fortunately for him, he’s got nearly a decade of experience to his credit.

DT: Rocko’s back on his feet and both men cautiously begin circling each other again… Augustus lunges forward—but Daymon quickly slips behind him and grabs him around the waist! Ooh, elbow to the face from C.E. Augustus sends him reeling back!

DM: Daymon’s going to have to rethink his strategy. There’s more than one way to out-wrestle a larger opponent, but trying to overpower him is like breaking down a brick wall with your head.

MN: Eh, I’ve seen stranger things happen. Rocko practically makes a living banging his head into things…

DT: Both men circling each other for a third time… this time Rocko shoots forward, going for the legs! But C.E. Augustus counters with a HAMMERBLOW across the back! He quickly hooks him by both arms… lifts him up, and DRIVES HIM ONTO HIS KNEE with a Double-Underhook Backbreaker!

DM: Augustus is sticking to that fine working-class strength of his… back on his feet, hits the ropes, NAILS Daymon with the elbow drop!

DT: Augustus gets Daymon back to his feet… whips him into the ropes… goes for the clothesline, but Rocko DUCKS! Daymon hits the other set of ropes… CRASHES into Augustus with a hard-hitting Shoulder Block! But Augustus is still standing!

DM: Gonna need more than that to topple the giant.

DT: Rocko runs into the ropes again… CONNECTS with a Dropkick! And Augustus STILL won’t go down!

MN: Big boy’s been eating his spinach!

DT: Daymon runs into the ropes again… but C.E. Augustus meets him with a BIG BOOT—DUCKED BY ROCKO DAYMON, who quickly reaches back and DRILLS Augustus with a falling neckbreaker!

MN: “Neckbreaker”… puh. Come on, Dave, big guys don’t have necks!

DT: Rocko has control for the first time in this match, and let’s see where he’ll go with it. He brings C.E. August back to his feet and holds him around the head… QUICKLY puts him back down with a Jawbreaker! Daymon quickly takes him by the leg… and delivers a HARD boot to the knee!

DM: The best way to cripple a larger opponent is to go for the legs. The extra weight puts a tremendous strain on the lower supports.

MN: Yeah, you take out the support, and watch him collapse faster than Russia’s economy after the arms race.

DT: Augustus rolls over, grabbing his leg in pain… but Daymon just takes him the leg again and DRIVES IT DOWN into the mat, putting more pressure on that knee! Now Rocko’s getting him back to his feet… takes him by the head… and drives him FACE FIRST into that steel chain-link wall of the cage!

MN: “The Iron Curtain” meets the Iron Curtain!

DT: Daymon gets C.E. Augustus back up… looking to throw him into the cage again—NO!! Augustus gets the boot up in time, and drives DAYMON into the steel cage wall! Daymon BOUNCES back to the mat clutching his face in agony!

DM: I was never a fan of cage matches. As easy as it is to use them to your benefit, they can just as easily be used against you. A clean, technical fight, now… THAT’S what determines a good wrestler.

MN: That, or having the last name “Windham”.

DT: Daymon’s back on his feet, but C.E. Augustus is right there to meet him! Augustus grabs him by the head and rams him HEAD-FIRST into the turnbuckle! Now he leans him up against the ropes… BIG CHOP ACROSS THE CHEST!! FOLLOWS UP WITH A SECOND!!

MN: Making Rocko’s chest a delightful shade of commie red…

DT: Now Augustus grabs him by the head, and YANKS him out of the corner! Rocko makes it to his feet, but a CLOTHESLINE puts him down on the mat once again!

MN: Come on, Rocko, you’re getting your ass handed to you by a dead political regime!

DM: Augustus has been looking sharp in there… but Daymon’s the kind of guy who can withstand a lot of punishment.

DT: C.E. Augustus takes a moment to catch his breath… and now he’s heading for the door! OH WAIT!! Rocko’s got him by the leg!

MN: It’s like Reagan’s ghost coming back from the grave to put the fear of Capitalism into his heart!

DT: Augustus tries to shake him loose… but Daymon trips him up and locks on a SINGLE CRAB!! Augustus has nowhere to go!!

MN: What’s the point? Can’t they only win by escaping the cage?

DM: That’s the same leg Rocko was working on earlier. The more strain he puts on it, the slower C.E. Augustus will be.

DT: Augustus can’t tap out in this situation, but Rocko Daymon has the hold locked in tight, and his opponent is in AGONY!

MN: That’s for taking Cuba away from us, *****! I miss those cigars…

DT: FINALLY, Rocko breaks the hold… and now he’s getting Augustus up to his feet… there’s the whip to the ropes!

DM: Augustus seems to be limping a bit…

DT: Augustus returns… and Daymon meets him with a big right hand! Follows up with a second! Follows that with a BIG DISCUS PUNCH that knocks C.E. Augustus into the steel cage!

MN: This is great! It’s like watching Patrick Swayze kicking ass in Red Dawn! GO WILDCATS!!

DM: I think they were called the “Wolverines”, Mike.

MN: Eh, whatever…

DT: Augustus is reeling on his feet… and Daymon goes for a BIG RIGHT HOOK—DUCKED by Augustus!! Augustus looking for an atomic drop—but OH MY!! Rocko Daymon runs STRAIGHT UP THE CAGE WALL, OVER Augustus, and BLASTS him with a REVERSE DDT!!

DM: Can’t say I’ve seen THAT pulled off in every cage match I’ve ever seen…

DT: What a remarkable feat… but Rocko Daymon’s climbing up the wall of the cage now! C.E. Augustus is still dazed on the mat, and Daymon’s nearly at the halfway point!

MN: U-S-A!! U-S-A!!

DM: The guys in Proletariat are American, Mike…

DT: WAIT A MINUTE!! C.P. Nero on the outside has slipped his hands into the cage, and is now holding onto Rocko’s leg! Daymon’s trying to shake him off, but he’s a sitting duck!

DM: C.E. Augustus, meanwhile, is back on his feet… sees Daymon on the cage… and RIPS HIM DOWN to the mat! Augustus drops a FIST into his face to keep him down!

DT: It was C.P. Nero’s involvement at the last Aggression that cost Shawn Hart the opportunity to move into this second round match…

MN: Yeah, don’t remind me.

DT: …now it looks like Rocko is falling victim to the same tactics.

DM: Eh, it’s not like Daymon didn’t benefit on interference last week…

MN: Come on, Dean… didn’t you hear the man earlier? There’s NO masked man!

DT: Mike, you were sitting right here in between us during that match, and you saw with your OWN TWO EYES what happened at the end of that match.

MN: How do you know what I saw? I was drinking that day…

DM: I saw it.

MN: You’re just part of the conspiracy to hold him down!

DT: Whatever, let’s just get back to the action… C.E. Augustus brings Daymon back to his feet… and locks him into a BEARHUG!! Daymon is squirming to break free, but Augustus is squeezing the life out of him!

DM: Augustus has really been putting his strength to work here… and it’s given him quite an advantage in this match.

DT: Daymon CLAPS the ears of C.E. Augustus to force him to break the hold… but Augustus CHARGES HIM INTO THE TURNBUCKLE!! Still has Daymon held in place… turns around… BIG SPINEBUSTER IN THE CENTER OF THE MAT!!

MN: Ah, come on! Rocko, you’re letting your COUNTRY down!

DM: When did you become such a Daymon fan, Neely? I thought you hated him.

MN: That was before he grew a pair. And I hate Russians… unless they’re making fun of janitors. THEN they’re my heroes!

DT: Augustus has a wearied Rocko Daymon back on his feet again… hooks his arms from behind, and NAILS HIM with a Full-Nelson Slam!!

DM: Daymon isn’t moving after that last move… this is a good opportunity for C.E. Augustus to put this one away.

DT: Looks like you’re right, Dean, as C.E. Augustus is now scaling the cage wall!

MN: Come on, Rocko! On your feet! You can’t let the commies win! Kennedy would be rolling in his GRAVE if you let that happen! You don’t hate Kennedy, do you? Cause if you do, then you’re RACIST!!

DM: Mike, you’re a TREMENDOUS racist.

MN: At least I don’t deny it like the JFK-haters…

DM: Did you remember to take your Zoloft this morning?

DT: Daymon finally gets back to his feet with the help of the ropes… and now he notices C.E. Augustus nearing the top!! Rocko quickly scales up behind him… WOW, look at him move!!

DM: That’s the advantage of weighing less.

DT: Augustus nearly has his leg over the top—NO!! Rocko grabs it in the nick of time and tries to pull him down! Augustus KICKS HIM OFF THE CAGE—BUT DAYMON TAKES HIM DOWN WITH HIM!! OH MY GOD, BOTH MEN COME CRASHING DOWN INTO THE RING!!

DM: Daymon didn’t seem to fare too well from that fall… but can you blame him? C.E. Augustus was moments away from escaping the cage.

DT: And yet… yes, I think Daymon is beginning to move! The referee is already begun the ten count…

One…

Two…

Three…

Four…

And Daymon’s finally pushed himself onto his hands and knees! C.E. Augustus, meanwhile, is on his side!

MN: We need some viewer participation!

[Neely sits up in his seat and turns to the fans behind him.]

MN: Come on, you slack-jawed yokels! Stand up for your RIGHTS!! U-S-A!! U-S-A!!

DT: Sit down, Mike.

[The fans begin chanting in response, only instead saying, “YOU-ARE-GAY!! YOU-ARE-GAY!!”]

MN: What?! Is Beau Michaels around?

DM: Shut up and call the match, Mike.

DT: The referee’s at seven… EIGHT… and ROCKO DAYMON is the first man up!! C.E. Augustus is on a knee, but Rocko catches him with a knee lift to the face sending him back in the corner!! Daymon unleashes with a barrage of boots to the face while Augustus is trapped in the corner!

MN: He’s like a man possessed!! That Capitalist spirit has really got him going now!

DT: Daymon gets Augustus back to his feet… takes him by the arm, and whips him into the ropes! Rocko bounces off the other side, they meet in the middle, and Daymon connects with a SPEAR that sends Augustus to the mat!! Rocko Daymon, WAILING AWAY with a flurry of right hands!!

DM: Looks like Rocko’s found his second wind! Let’s see if he can keep the momentum going…

DT: Daymon is bringing Augustus back up… NO!! C.E. Augustus fights back with a rake to the eyes! Augustus hooks him—lifts him up with a GORILLA PRESS—BUT DAYMON ESCAPES and lands on his feet behind him! Augustus is spun around… there’s a boot to the gut… and Rocko Daymon follows through with a DOUBLE-ARM DDT!!

MN: Lenin’s probably rolling in his grave right now… and I’m sure the tourists are enjoying it!

DT: Daymon looks strong as he’s getting up… and brings Augustus up with him. There’s the whip to the corner, and Daymon goes to the opposite turnbuckle!

DM: Looks like he’s setting up for the Phantom Train! He looks ready to put this one away!

MN: You know, that was my favorite boss battle in that Final Fagasy game…

DT: Augustus is a sitting duck, and Daymon is ready to charge—BUT FALLS FLAT ON HIS FACE!!

MN: What the hell?

DM: C.P. Nero got his HANDS in there again and tripped up Rocko while he wasn’t looking!

DT: Daymon back on his feet and angrily looks down at C.P. Nero from within the cage… and Nero just taunts away!

DM: That distraction is giving Augustus all the time he needs to recuperate… and now he’s coming out of the corner!

DT: Daymon turns around—AND IS MET WITH A BIG SPLASH INTO THE CORNER!! Rocko was just PANCAKED!! C.E. Augustus took advantage of his partner’s involvement, and now he’s in control of the match again!

DM: I guess Rocko now knows how it feels.

MN: Bull****! Somebody go beat the holy hell out of that shrimp Nero!

DT: Augustus has Daymon in his grasp… and sets him up on his shoulder! We could be seeing the Great Leap Forward!

DM: If C.E. Augustus can nail it, he’ll have all the time he needs to escape the cage!

DT: WAIT A MINUTE!! A fan just hopped the guardrail and BLINDSIDED C.P. Nero outside the ring!

MN: You see? These people listen…

DM: IT’S THE MASKED MAN!!

MN: What? Where? I don’t see anything!

DM: Damnit, Neely, open your eyes!

DT: The masked assailant is kicking Nero on the head while he’s lying helpless on the ground! Now he gets him to his feet… OH MY GOD, HUGE WHIP RIGHT INTO THE STEEL STEPS!!

DM: C.E. Augustus finally sees what’s happening from inside the ring… and he just drops Rocko aside! Now he’s going to the door to assist his partner!

DT: NOT SO FAST!! Daymon, with a quick recovery, sees him about to escape, and jumps on him from behind with a BIG hammerblow across the head!! Rocko spins him around…

BRAIN ROCKER!! BRAIN ROCKER IN THE CENTER OF THE RING!!

MN: WOO-HOO!! CAPITALISM PREVAILS!! U-S-A!! U-S-A!!

[The fans near the commentary table again begin to chant “You Are Gay! You Are Gay!” The masked assailant, leaving a beaten C.P. Nero behind, retreats up the rampway and watches from the entry-way.]

DT: Daymon… still looking winded… begins the slow crawl to the cage door! C.E. Augustus is OUT OF IT!!

DM: Daymon has all the time he needs! And with C.P. Nero incapacitated, there’s no stopping him!

DT: The referee has the door open… and Rocko crawls beneath the ropes, and OUT OF THE CAGE!! IT’S OVER!!

TF: The winner of this match… ROOOOOCKOOOOOO DAAAAAYYYYMMOOOOOONNN!!!!

[The crowd begins to boo and throw trash toward the ringside area as “Stones From The Sky” begins to play. The referee holds up Rocko’s arm in victory. Daymon immediately turns his attention to the fans and begins insulting them.]

DM: I don’t even think Rocko was aware of the extra help he got from his mystery buddy.

DT: Wait a minute, that masked person is still at the top of the ramp!

[The camera zooms in on the figure in black, who pulls down the scarf covering the bottom half of the face. For a moment, viewers at home catch a glimpse of…]

DT: ………CAITLYN DAYMON?!

DM: Is that her?

[Just as soon as they say it, the masked figure disappears through the entry way. Daymon, using his time to point out fans and verbally abuse them from the barricade, is none the wiser.]

DT: So Rocko Daymon’s WIFE is behind these anonymous interferences!

MN: I KNEW I remembered that ass from somewhere!

DM: Rocko’s wife Caitlyn was his manager up until a few years ago… is this all some sort of plot the two are working together on, or are her actions of her own free will?

DT: I guess Rocko’s in for a surprise when he finds out who that masked person really is…

MN: What masked person? Damnit, Dave, we’ve been over this… it’s all just a conspiracy!

DT: Mike, are you blind? Did you not JUST SEE the attack here at ringside?

MN: Yeah, that was Rocko’s wife! That ain’t no masked man.

DT: ………………………

DM: …………………………

MN: ………………………what?

DM: Are you THAT ****ing stupid?

DT: We’ll see how these events unfold as Rocko Daymon moves on in the King of the Cage tournament. More action to come after this commercial break.