What a drag... Apparently Karl wouldn't be there after all. Foxx sat cross-legged on the ground, taking occasional glances at video of what was going on in the ring and fumbling with a tiny piece of Hell some people considered calling a cell phone. She'd tried using the autocall feature or whatever it's called and wound up everywhere but where she wanted to be... several times.
With an irritated huff, she finally gave up, taking a second to recall the number from memory and dialing it in. She held for the ringing a minute before perking slightly at the answer. Her expression shifted to slight annoyance.
FOXX: "Hey, where are you? I could swear you said you'd be here... Mhm... Yup... I figured as much. Ah well, it can't be helped."
She rolls her eyes. Right...
FOXX: "I was gonna bring the subject up in person, but since you aren't showing up I guess I'll just ask now. I feel like somethin new; wondered if you wanted ta take a crack at a tag team. You're the only one I know all that well and the only one I'd trust to watch my back for sure. Heh, that and you're a damn good competitor. If you're not up to it I'll understand... Uh huh... Awesome!"
The excited smile and reaction kind of give away the answer.
FOXX: "I'll bring up the subject then! ...Or rather... I uh... already have... What? I could have taken it back if you didn't like the idea!"
She shoos the camera away quickly and continues the conversation alone.
[CUEUP: ‘Satisfaction' by Benny Benassi and the Biz. The lights go down and strobe lights hit … ‘Extremely BiSexual' Beau Michaels walks out wearing tight short shorts, and no shirt. He has Cyndi Lauper circa 1984 eye makeup on. Michaels stops and points to the back. A giant chicken comes down leading five young men by chains .. the young men are wearing chains around their waist. They’re not wearing much else. On their backside is a little circle sign saying ‘Entry Here’ and on the front, their penises are covered by crew socks, which are held in place by the chains. Michaels waits for the Chicken to walk them down the rampway and doesn't move until they circle him, pick him up, and carry him to the ring.]
TF: Ladies and gentlemen… the following contest is a semi-final round match-up of the Empire Pro KING OF THE CAGE TOURNAMENT!! Introducing first… hailing from West Hollywood, California, and weighing in at 230 pounds… HERE IS… “EXTREMELY BISEXUAL”…… BEAU…. MIIIICHAAAAEEELLLLSSS!!!
MN: You know, it’s bad enough that anybody has to WRESTLE this guy… but to be locked in a cage with him? That’s just cruel…
DT: Beau Michaels has earned his place in the semi-finals of the King of the Cage Tournament, even if his past two victories are all something we’d rather forget…
[Cue up "Eat the Rich" and JA stands behind a silhouetting curtain so that you can only see a shadowed outline of him, back facing the door and wingspan outstretched. Then, as soon as the lyrics kick in, a giant bang of pyro blows up and JA hops around through the curtain with Lollipop following behind him.]
TF: And his opponent… hailing from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and weighing in at 219 pounds… “THE ANGLO LUCHADOR”….. JAAAAAAAAYYY-AAAAAYYYYY!!!
DT: JA is perhaps one of Empire Pro’s most prolific stars, and I’m sure everybody knows he’s determined like hell to be the next World Champion…
DM: Tonight, he’s got the opportunity to enter the finals… although I’m sure right now, he wants to be ANYWHERE but where he’s going.
[JA enters through the cage door, which is shut behind him. He keeps a safe distance from his opponent. Michaels watches him ecstatically, rubbing his loin region and puckering his lips.]
MN: Good God…
DT: There’s the bell, and this match is underway! Beau Michaels advances, and JA… quickly circles around him, keeping his distance.
MN: Yeah, he’ll want to keep his distance as much as possible.
DT: Both men circling each other… and there’s the lock-up! JA steps forward and hits Michaels with a knee to the mid-section! He quickly follows up with an Arm Wrench! TWISTS it hard to send Michaels flipping onto his back, and drops an ELBOW into the inner-bicep!
MN: That’s the arm Beau Michaels uses to, you know… “touch” his opponents. JA don’t want none of that.
DT: JA brings Michaels back to his feet, still holding onto the arm… and quickly whips him into the ropes! Michaels returns… and JA leaps over him! Michaels hits the other set of ropes, and JA catches him with a HURRICANRANA!
DM: Beau Michaels got sent for the loop!
MN: Though I’m sure he didn’t mind having his face in between JA’s legs…
DT: JA is quick to bring Michaels back on his feet… and DROPS HIM AGAIN with a Snap Suplex! JA back to his feet, and follows up with a knee drop to keep Beau Michaels grounded!
DM: JA’s off to a quick start. And it’s not a bad idea to keep his opponent on his back.
MN: Although knowing Beau Michaels, he probably PREFERS to be on his back.
DT: JA gets Michaels back onto his feet… takes him by the head, and brings him to the cage wall—but MICHAELS GETS HIS FOOT UP and prevents having his face smashed into it! Michaels rams JA FACE FIRST into the cage wall, and follows up with a RUSSIAN LEGSWEEP!
DM: Here’s Michaels’ chance to turn things around… both men back on their feet, and MICHAELS DIVES FORWARD WITH A FLYING KNEE that puts JA to the mat, clutching his face in pain!
DT: Michaels is in full control now…
MN: God help us all.
DT: …he brings JA back to his feet… takes him by the arm, and there’s the Irish Whip to the corner! Beau Michaels runs in for a CLOTHESLINE, and connects! Follows up with a BULLDOG OUT OF THE CORNER!!
DM: Beau Michaels is dominating this leg of the match… and now it looks like he’s going to dominate it another way!
DT: Michaels stands over JA and TRIES TO GRAB HIS ASS—BUT JA QUICKLY CRAWLS CLEAR and rolls to the distant corner!
MN: Was he trying to MOUNT him?
DM: I’ve never seen JA move that fast—and he’s a FAST guy!
MN: Probably because his integrity as a HEREOSEXUAL was at stake!
DT: JA snaps to his feet and Beau Michaels comes running after him… and JA puts him into the AIR with a Monkey Flip!
DM: JA sees an opportunity to go for the door… but he’s stopped up halfway as Beau Michaels dives at him from behind and grabs him by the WAIST OF HIS PANTS!!
DT: JA now trying to get away from Beau Michaels, who is threatening to yank his tights down!
MN: RUN, JA! RUN FOR THE OF EVERYTHING STRAIGHT IN THIS WORLD!!
DT: JA finally runs into the nearest corner and hops to the second rope, and—OH MY GOD, WHAT a Moonsault, landing on his feet behind Michaels! JA locks both of Michaels’ arms behind his head… NAILS HIM WITH A SNAP DRAGON SUPLEX!!
DM: It’s a good thing he’s turned this match around in his favor… because Beau Michaels likes to jump on EVERY opportunity he can find to, uh… you know what.
MN: I’m sure he jumps on a lot of things, I just hope we don’t see THAT KIND of jumping any time soon. Nor do I want to see anything that RHYMES with “jumping”.
DT: And now JA brings Michaels to his feet… gets behind him and reaches back, and DROPS HIM TO THE MAT with a Reverse Neckbreaker! JA’s in full control now! He quickly goes to the turnbuckle and climbs to the top rope…
DM: High-risk move!
DT: JA LEAPS OFF WITH THE FROG SPLASH—AND HE NAILS IT!! My God, WHAT a devastating move!
DM: Looks like JA took a little out of himself with that move… but it was well worth it, as Beau Michaels is momentarily incapacitated.
MN: Now he can get his ass out of there…
DT: Looks like he’s thinking the same thing, Mike, cause now he’s scaling the cage wall! Michaels is stirring on the mat, but JA’s making distance!
DM: His light body mass allows him to carry himself much quicker… but it looks like the after effects from that Frog Splash are having a negative effect on him.
DT: You appear to be right, Dean. JA’s face looks like he’s fighting back a lot of pain…
MN: Oh no! Captain Codpiece is finding his second wind!
DT: Beau Michaels now on his knees and comes to his feet with the help of the ropes! JA is nearing the top, and now Michaels begins the chase after him!
DM: He’s got a lot of ground to cover… and he can’t be feeling too well himself, being on the RECEIVING end of that splash! Yet as JA comes to the top, Michaels is already at the halfway point!
MN: JA’s got cross-dressing-hairs on his ass!
DT: JA gets one leg over… but MICHAELS LATCHES ONTO HIS OTHER LEG before he can follow through!
DT: JA trying in vain to shake off Beau Michaels, but Michaels has his grip in tight!
MN: A little TOO tight if you ask me!
DT: Michaels pulls himself up and RAKES JA across the face to stun him! And now Michaels lifts himself to the top of the cage and gets a leg over the wall!
DM: Could this be the climactic finish??
DT: Michaels slides up behind JA… slides a little closer… and, OH MY GOD, that’s a little TOO close for comfort!! Michaels locks JA into a full-nelson hold and HUMPS AWAY AT HIS BACKSIDE!!
MN: EEEEWWWW!! MY GOD, THAT WAS THE LAST THING I WANTED TO SEE!!
DT: BUT JA SHIFTS HIS WEIGHT TO THE SIDE, AND COMES HURTLING DOWN INTO THE RING, AND BEAU MICHAELS GOES DOWN WITH HIM!!
DM: Suicide dive to save his ass virginity! Both JA and Beau Michaels are laid out in the ring… a truly devastating scene, but DAMN, anything looks good compared to what I just witnessed…
DT: Neither man is moving yet… I think this match might be called a Double DQ if there isn’t any activity after a certain amount of time, but—OH WAIT, Michaels rolls onto his side! He’s still got some fight left within him!
MN: It’s all that raging testosterone…
DT: But now JA is moving too… and he’s on his hands and knees and slowly crawling to the ropes! Michaels, still trying to find the strength to stand…
DM: Both of these men have just exhausted each other… but it’s at this point in the match where we see who has enough left in him to get to the finals!
DT: JA brings himself to his feet with the help of the ropes… and Michaels is back up to one knee! Now Michaels is STANDING, and making his way over to JA—BUT JA FIRES BACK WITH THE BALLTRAP!!
…AND MICHAELS IS UNPHASED!! He seemed to LIKE it!
MN: My God… balls of steel.
DT: Michaels delivers a KNEE to the face to send JA back to the mat! Now Michaels grabs him from behind AGAIN and positions himself behind JA’s backside! He lifts up JA’S LEGS—BUT JA ROLLS FORWARD AND ROLLS MICHAELS UP INTO A VICTORY ROLL!!
DM: Smart thinking. Michaels was going for the Wheelbarrow Suplex!
DT: Both men scramble to their feet… and JA goes for a kick to the gut… FOLLOWS UP WITH THE KARELIN DRIVER!! BEAU MICHAELS HAS BEEN LAID OUT!!
DM: JA HAMMERED him with that Russian Neck Drop! But does he have the strength to capitalize on it?
DT: Both men are collapsed on the mat… but it’s JA who is slowly moving in the direction of the cage door! He’s got about half the distance of the ring to cover, but he’s got quite a lead on Beau Michaels!
DM: This has been one VERY peculiar match… but all that aside, it’s also been very costing on both competitors. JA’s getting close to the cage door now, and… and now I see Michaels is recovering from that Karelin Driver!
MN: Damn! I was hoping JA would’ve at least paralyzed him from the waist down!
DT: Beau Michaels is in the corner, trying to get to his feet… but JA is only a FEW FEET AWAY from exiting the cage! Now he’s pushing himself to his knees and starting to hurry himself! But Michaels is ON HIS FEET, but holding his head in pain!
MN: His booty’s getting’ away!
DT: The referee opens the cage door, and now JA is trying to slide beneath the ropes and slip out of the cage… but MICHAELS DIVES ACROSS THE RING—AND GRABS BOTH OF JA’S ASS-CHEEKS!! MICHAELS IS HANGING ON FOR DEAR LIFE WITH A STEEL GRIP ON JA’S GLUTS!!
DM: ASS ASSAULT!! Michaels trying to drag JA back into the ring by his ass… but JA manages to grab onto the bottom rope and keep himself from going back! And now Michaels is LIFTING him off the mat…
…by his ASS!!
MN: Gonna be a while before he can sit on the toilet again after this one…
DT: JA, HANGING ONTO THAT BOTTOM ROPE FOR DEAR LIFE!! And Beau Michaels is LICKING HIS CHOPS!! But JA FIRES BACK WITH A DONKEY KICK TO THE MID-SECTION, and Michaels drops him!
DM: JA back on his feet in the ring… quickly hits the ropes for momentum… goes AIRBORN JUST AS MICHAELS TURNS AROUND, AND—
DT: OH MY GOD!! JA FIGHTS FIRE WITH FIRE AND CONNECTS ASS-FIRST WITH MICHAELS FACE!! Michaels is SLAMMED into the ground with JA’S ASS ON TOP OF HIM!!
MN: TOSS THE ANGLO LUCHADOR’S SALAD!!
DT: JA LEAPS off of Beau Michaels and LUNGES for the cage door—AND HE ESCAPES THE CAGE!! JA WINS!! JA MAKES IT TO THE FINALS!!
[JA can be seen on the floor outside the ring fervently wiping himself off as though covered in invisible dirt. He seems to be resisting the urge to vomit.]
TF: Ladies and gentlemen… here is your winner… “THE ANGLO LUCHADOR”…. JAAAAYYYYY-AAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!
MN: And Heterosexuality wins again! Although I wonder if Beau Michaels is happy with what he got…
DM: Thank God that match is over. Now I feel like I need to take a cold shower…
DT: In any case, both men put up a very spiriting effort. But in the end, it was JA who persevered and moved on to the finals!