Empire Pro Aggression

[CUT TO: Backstage @ the gorilla position. 'THE STALKER' JASON REEVES stepped through the curtain breathing heavily in an attempt to catch his breath after all of the energy he expanded a mere seconds earlier, at the expense of EPW superstar, Ice Tre. His adrenaline was pumping, sweat trickled down his face, and there was blood on his shirt- Ice Tre's blood on his shirt.]

STEVENS: Job well done, my friend.

[SFX: An overwhelming chorus of boos.

EPW World Champion, SEAN 'TRIPLE X' STEVENS stood in front of his "partner" amused at the sight of his anger. The reigning King of the Cage was dressed in a black 100% cotton, "Caitlyn Daymon - Camel Toe" t-shirt, and faded army fatigue shorts, with his EPW Championship wrapped snug around his waist. With his bad hand, he patted Reeves on the back, gently ... while handing him the now infamous briefcase filled with money with his good hand.]

STEVENS: When I made my 'State of the Union' I had no idea you'd get the job done so fast. Maybe I was wrong about you.

[Reeves opened the briefcase.]

Stalker: What's this about?

[Looking over the briefcase, and all of the neatly pessed one hundred dollar bills, he closes it then looks at Stevens.]

Stalker: I didn't take his crown, I left it on his stupid ass chest as a reminder of things to come at Black Dawn. Fact is man I can't even believe that ****ing kid challenged me like he did.

[The champion paused, looking on in disbelief.]

STEVENS: What do you mean you left it as a reminder? Are you f__king kidding me?! Let me see if I've got this straight ... you beat that punk's ass, you lay him out, you have MY crown in your possesion ... and, you LEAVE it!?! ...and, for all reasons as a REMINDER?!

[Triple X was pissed.]

STEVENS: Let's get one thing perfectly clear, Reeves. I don't trust YOU or this alliance, and I sure as hell don't appreciate you sticking your nose in my match last week against Adam Benjamin, like I needed the help, but I'm willing to be a team player. But, there has to be a compromise. F__K THE MIND GAMES! I am one of the baddest sons of *****es the wrestling industry has ever seen ... and, you? You're not so bad yourself. People like us shouldn't leave silly reminders ... we should be out there DESTROYING the competition and WINNING CHAMPIONSHIPS!

[He patted the EPW World Championship proudly.]

STEVENS: .... if we're going to be a team, all of that other sh_t has to go on the back burner, because you had better believe decisions like the one you made out there tonight is going to cost us when your boy Rocko decides to counter attack.

[Jason grins at Sean, looking down at the EPW World title.]

Stalker: Fact is, all you need to worry about my man is the three men that will be fighting tonight for a chance at your belt come Black Dawn. All that matters honestly is you got your **** you need to take care of and Ice Tre made it my business to take care of him AND that crown. I honestly don't care if you trust me or not because in the end you'll see that it's the best option. We have the same enemies, desire the same aspects of this business and go about it our own way. That is why I approached you to begin with. If you remember correctly I was a Hall of Famer when you were beginning your career. My mind games are the stuff of legends. I know what i'm doing.

[Jason then leans in to Sean Stevens.]

Stalker: And if you ever come at me like that again, and question me. WHEN YOU HAVE NO REASON TO... then our fresh alliance that we have will come to an end before it begins.

[Triple X took a step forward, these two "allies" were now toe-to-toe.]

STEVENS: ... F__K you, and this bullsh_t alliance.

Stalker: If that's the way you feel then so be it. But honestly, we both know we are stronger together then apart.

STEVENS: You're wrong. Do I need to remind you that before you decided to ride my coattails, I was the champion around here? You know what'll happen after you hop off of MY bandwagon? I'll still be the champion. I don't get anything out of being friends with the weirdo. I don't benefit from this alliance, YOU DO! Here you are, in the twilight of your career, riding the wave of a bullsh_t grudge that Rocko didn't even know you two had from seven years back. You wrestle ONE good match with Kin Hiroshi and LOSE, and all of a sudden you act like you call the shots around here. Like YOU'RE the world champion. Like YOU are the King of the Cage. This time last year you were in a homeless shelter, eating dog food! Last week *I* gave you an opportunity to hang with the champ, to rub elbows with the main eventers, to be associated with the best that this industry has to offer - injured wrist and all - and this week you want to act all Hollywood and ungrateful?! Like I said, f__k this alliance....

.... Let's see how far you get without me.

[Trip backpedaled.]

STEVENS: Good luck in your match against Caitlyn tonight. You're going to NEED it.

[Jason looks at Stevens and shakes his head. Surprised by his response he drops the breifcase on the ground, still shaking his head at the champ and walks away.]

Stalker: Good luck to you too, because if I'm going to need it, you're DEFINITELY going to need it.

[Fade....]

"The Viking Pornstar" Olvir Arsvinnar vs. Ice Tre

Yep, this was exactly what you’d think it would be. Olvir made a spectacular scene stealing entrance, still borrowing from Cloverfield as Empire Pro crew were forced to set up a series of small plastic renditions of buildings up and down the aisle. “Olvirfield” then proceeded to stomp his way through the model structures, pausing at the end to bellow into his horn. He scared the living daylights out of a five year old kid in the front row, by the way. Tre came down with his usual fanfare but had trouble affecting the big Viking with his ‘offense’. Olvir dominated the match physically, tossing the smaller Tre around the ring – although Tre managed to get Olvir into a tough spot when he leapt onto the big man’s back Princess Bride style and tried choking the Viking out. Unfortunately for Tre….Stalker, who wasn’t through with him yet, slid into the ring and waffled him with a chair before dropping the chair and hitting yet another Evenflow DDT. The referee began to disqualify Olvir(field), but Stalker threatened him, yelling at him to make the count. Olvir(field) stood with a single foot triumphantly on Ice Tre’s chest and posed as the referee did as he was told and counted the one, two, three. No one quite knows how Olvir managed to create a golden aura around himself – but there it was. Weird.

Winner: Olvir Arsvinnar

Generic Babyfaces vs. August De La Rossi & ???

DT: Folks, I’m told up next we’re gonna have a double tag team debut as two sets of newcomers face off here tonight. We’ve got one team already in the ring…

[Cut to a shot of the team in the ring, generic babyface types with plain trunks.]

MN: Well those guys certainly are flashy.

[CUE UP: “Murder Me Rachel” by THE NATIONAL. CUT TO: August De La Rossi slowly walking out of the EPW Titantron, wearing a Tour De France hat, red bandanaa around his neck, a T-Shirt reading “My economy went global and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt,” really skinny jeans, New Balance sneakers. August walks out, a smirk on his face, his hands over his head triumphantly as he walks the aisle.]

DT: Oh you’ve got to be kidding me….

MN: YES!!!

[De La Rossi raises a microphone to his mouth.]

AUGUST: “You know --” [The crowd starts booing as he whines into the microphone. The crowd then starts chanting “AUGUST SUCKS DICK! AUGUST SUCKS DICK!” August is flabbergasted and stops right outside the ring.] “That’s okay… I CAN WAIT!” [The crowd continues to boo and chant.] “Well, you’ve had your turn. You’ve all EXPOSED yourself yet again. You EPW fans have exposed yourselves once again to be nothing more than a bunch of slope-headed, uneducated HOMOPHOBIC Neanderthals! And while you boo me, while you yell out euphemisms about my sexual proclivities… ALLEGATIONS WHICH REMAIN UNFOUNDED, BY THE WAY… I am still here. Do you know why? Because YOU PEOPLE NEED ME! You people need someone to LEAD YOU. You people need someone to tell you how to live your lives. You people need someone like me… intelligent, artistic, always walking the cutting edge… to tell you what music to listen to, what magazines to read, what opinions to hold. Because you people… YOU PEOPLE ARE WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD TODAY…

“People like you are why no-talent hacks like JOSH GROBIN and KELLY CLARKSON reign over the top of the charts while real artists of talent and acclaim like TED LEO AND THE PHARMACISTS remain unknown, except to the ears of discerning listeners and readers of PITCHFORK such as myself. People like you are why OUR CURRENT PRESIDENT GEORGE BUSH has not yet been impeached from office! Why our troops, why our military… why they remain the oppressors of innocent foreign peoples….

“You people are why people around the world hate our country. You people are nothing more than a bunch of slaves, slaves to the capitalist system, slaves to the warped nightmare known as the AMERIKKKAN DREAM. Property is theft, and I am here to serve as your LIBERATOR! For I have brought with me my BROTHER in the fight for international socialism! A true partner who was CREATED to destroy the oppression in which we live under! He has been sent to the EPW by my PERSONAL GOOD FRIEND AND HERO KIM JONG IL TO FIGHT FOR THE LIBERATION OF YOUR MINDS…

“From the glorious republic of the true Korea nation NORTH KOREA… I bring you Socialism’s Iron Warrior… IIII BRRRINNNGGG YOUUU… CHULLLLLL SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.”

[CUE UP: Military marching music. The video screen shows pictures of NORTH KOREA -- people in soccer stadiums making synchronized movements, tanks, military figures, followed by a freeze-frame shot of KIM JONG IL. The crowd is booing these images. Then they are SILENCED as walking out from the back SNARLING is Chul Soo. He is 7’6”, 375-pounds, with a shaved head with long, unruly sideburns. He is wearing a military shirt adorned with red starts and medals. He looks around the crowd and growls like an animal, his giant hand extended outwards like an Iron Claw. August is hopping up and down, celebrating and applauding. Chul Soo finally walks to the ring apron. The nameless duo in the ring are freaking out at the size of this monster. He steps up to the ring apron and then steps over the ropes with ease.]

AUGUST: Ring the bell!

DT: Dear God, look at the size of that guy.

DM: That’s one very large Asian right there.

MN: I’m scurred!! Hold me, Dean-o!!

DM: Get off me!!

[The duo panic and stare at each other and attack Chul Soo to no effect. He effortlessly shoves them to the mat as De La Rossi simply leans against the turnbuckle and smiles. The two men once again charge the huge Korean and are met with two of the biggest hands in the world around their throats and a huge double chokeslam. Chul Soo calmly walks backward toward August De La Rossi, who climbs up onto Chul Soo’s shoulders with help from the turnbuckles and leaps off with a high flying Shooting Star Press onto both men…]

DT: My God!

Quick cover!!! On both men!!

ONE!!

TWO!!

THREE!!

DM: Well I guess that was pretty much academic..

TF: Here are your winners….AUGUST DE LA ROSSI ….and CHUL….SOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!