[Aggression returns from commercial as Felix Red and The First are walking towards the ring. They slide into the ring as their music fades out, and Dave Thomas takes it from there.]
DT: Ladies and gentlemen, up next on Aggression the tag team titles are on the line as the duo known as the Forskaken – Felix Red and The First – takes on the World Tag Team champs, C.P. Nero and C.E. Augustus, collectively known as the Proletariat.
MN: Freaks against Commies. Can’t we get a nice, normal tag team around here one of these days?
DM: We had those before, Mikey. They were really, really boring.
MN: When did we have normal tag teams? I don’t remember this.
DM: That’s because you sleep through the shows, Neels.
DT: One of these teams will face the Chronic Collizion…
MN: FORMERLY CRIMSON CALLING~!
DT: … for the straps at Black Dawn, so let’s get the champs down here and get this one going.
[CUE UP: “Break the Silence” Killswitch Engage as C.P. Nero and the massive C.E. Augustus come down the aisle to LOUD boos from the Oklahoma City crowd. They slide under the ropes and hand the belts to referee Bryan Weatherby, who shows them to the Forsaken and then to the crowd before ceding the center of the ring to Tony Fatora.]
TF: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is schedule for ONE FALL, and is for the EPW Tag Team Championships of the World!!!!
[Loud cheers from the crowd.]
TF: Introducing first the challengers, standing to my left. At a combined weight of 435 pounds … THE FIRST … FELIX RED … they are THE FORSAKEN!!!!
And their opponents, standing in the corner to my right…
They weigh in at a combined 554 pounds, and enter tonight as the REIGNING and DEFENDING EPW Tag Team Champions of the World … C.P. NERO … C.E. AUGUSTUS … THE PROLEATARIAT!!!!
[SFX: Bell rings as Tony steps out of the ring. Each team conferences in their corner, and the First and Nero step out to start the match.]
DT: Tag titles are on the line, and here we go!
MN: You are such a giant nerd.
DT: And the First just bumrushed C.P. Nero! He’s absolutely BLASTING one-half of the tag champs with punches, knees, elbows, kicks, any body part he can use to do damage!
DM: Well, not any body part. Thankfully, he’s decided not to use some of them. This is basic cable, of course.
MN: Dude. You clearly haven’t watched basic cable in, like, ever.
DT: The First is just continuing this all-out blitzkrieg of strikes, he’s got Nero in a perfect Muay Thai clinch … and OH MY LORD!!! He just blasted Nero with a knee to the skull that sent him staggering into the ropes! He wobbles into the middle of the ring … SPINNING BACKFIST!!! A bare-handed spinning backfist right to the temple, and that might’ve knocked C.P. loopy!
DM: Loopy enough that he waddled over to his corner and his partner tagged himself in before Nero flopped to the mat.
MN: I think he’s lucky he drunkenly stumbled in the right direction.
DT: In comes the big man, C.E. Augustus … but The First meets him with a dropkick right to the knee that doubles the massive Augustus over! First hits the ropes … big knee right to the face! And now The First slips over to his corner and tags in Felix, and Red wants some of the action himself!
MN: I want some action, too.
DM: I always knew you had a thing for 330 pound male Communist, Neels.
DT: Felix stalking in, but the big man had enough time to recover and shove him into the corner! Augustus takes charge … and eats Felix Red’s elbow!
MN: Ummm … eww?
DT: Felix hops to the second rope … Augustus turns around … DIVING CLOTHESLINE!! He covers…
ONE…
AND A HALF! Not enough to put the big man down!
MN: Wonder why?
DM: Probably because he’s, y’know, frikkin HUMONGOUS?
MN: Oh. Riiiiight.
DT: Felix continuese to stay in control, and he lays in some quick forearms to the back of Augustus. He pulls him over to his corner, and now in comes the First for a little double team action.
MN: You are the gayest man in the history of the universe.
DM: That’s what she said.
DT: Felix holding Augustus still … and the First drives a brutal crescent kick right to the side of C.E. Augustus’ ribs! And another! Now an irish whip by Felix … The First catches Augustus with a gorgeous jumping calf kick that drops the Proletariat’s muscle! Off the ropes comes the First … and he drops a knee directly into C.E.’s sternum, and you can hear the big man struggling to catch his breath after that one!
DM: I think I just saw his lung pop out.
MN: Where? Where? I missed it! Damn, can we get a replay! I WANNA SEE THE GROSS STUFF!!!
DM: It was a figure of speech, Neely.
MN: Oh. Wuzzat?
DT: Augustus pulls himself to his feet, but the First tags him with another dropkick that sends him stumbling into the corner! Here comes the First on the charge … and he gets caught with a MASSIVE boot from C.E. Augustus! The big man out of the corner … with a clothesline that turns the First damn near inside-out!
MN: WOOHOO, MORE GROSS STUFF!
DT: The cover…
ONE…
TWO…
Kickout by the First, but C.E. Augustus finally showed some life, and now here comes his tag team partner! The First pops up … but Nero nails him with a flying forearm! Up comes the First again … boot to the gut by Nero, and a snap suplex! In comes Felix, but Nero meets him with a blistering chop! Irish whip … swinging neckbreaker! The champs have finally started to roll, and C.P. Nero is a house afire!
DM: Maybe he just needed to get whacked in the head a couple times to wake him up.
DT: Nero snaps to his feet … but he’s cut off with a HYOOOGE flying knee from The First! That’s a momentum killer if I’ve ever seen one!
DM: You know what, I think I was wrong five seconds ago.
MN: Dude. I’ve been saying that for, like, three freaking years.
DT: The First grabs the staggering Nero … whips him off the ropes … TILT-A-WHIRL POWERBOMB!!! He just absolutely FLATTENED C.P. NERO! Now the First headed to the top…
MN: Yay! Carnage time!
DT: He takes flight … SOMERSAULT LEGDROP!!! This one might be over! The cover…
ONE…
TWO…
THRRRNOOO!!!! Augustus slid in at the last moment to break it up, but Felix is in and taking care of the big man! Irish whip … and a FRANKENSTEINER!!! He pulled the big man all the way over with that one! Augustus rising to his feet … DOUBLE ENZIGUIRI! Both members of the Forsaken nailed him right in the head with kicks and the big man crumples to the outside!
DM: I hate to say it, Dave, but this is what happens when two main-event caliber wrestlers decide to team up. These two are one frightening combination, and right now it doesn’t matter how good a team the Proletariat is.
DT: Nero finally gets to his feet … The First meets him with an inverted atomic drop! Now First and Felix hit the ropes on opposite sides … ART OF DESPAIR!!! That brutal legsweep and spin kick combo might’ve just snapped C.P. Nero in two! Cover by the first…
ONE…
TWO…
THREE!!! We’ve got new tag team champions, and in incredibly impressive fashion.
MN: Damn. Commies folded faster than Gorbachev.
DM: You don’t even know who Gorbachev is!
TF: Ladies and gentlemen, the winners of the match and NEEEEEEW Empire Pro Tag Team Champions of the World … THEEEEEEEEEEEEEE FOOOOOOORSSSSAAAAAAAAAAAAAKEEEEEEENNNNN!!!!!!
[Felix and the First hold the belts high above their heads, as the crowd is not quite sure what to make of what they’ve just seen.]
DT: Folks, the Proletariat have been one of the finest tag team units to come around these parts in years, and the Forsaken just ripped through them like wax paper? Can anybody, and I mean ANYBODY, stop Felix Red and the First?