DT: Alright, folks, up next, we’ve got championship action on Aggression here in Charlotte. Fusenshoff has made a tremendous impact in a very short time here in EPW, culminating with his TV championship win at Black Dawn. Tonight, the big man from British Columbia is thrown immediately back into the fire as he defends against a man who was the face of this company for years, but has, in recent months, become estranged with our fanbase.
MN: If by that you mean they hate his weasly Canadian, A1E-loving guts, you’re dead on.
DM: Biased much, Mikey?
MN: I spent WAY too much time around those people, Deano. Wanna know why we’ve taken this break?
DM: Pray tell.
MN: I’ve had to spend the last three weeks inside a completely sterile environment to get Sal Scantlin’s stench off of me.
DT: Too much information, Michael. Let’s go to the ring.
[CUTTO: Tony Fatora in the middle of the ring, microphone in hand.]
TF: The following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL, and is for the EPW World Television Championship! Introducing first, the challenger…
[CUEUP: “Ladies and Gentlemen” by Saliva as MASSIVE crowd heat accompanies the former EPW World Champion. There are some cheers mixed in, but Beast doesn’t give a damn either way, walking to the ring with a confident, defiant smirk on his face.]
TF: … from Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. Weighing in at 285 pounds … THIS. IS. BEEEEAAAAASSSSSTTT!!!!
His opponent…
[CUEUP: “A Little Less Conversation” by Elvis Presley as the new TV champion steps out onto the entranceway to a mixed reaction from the Carolina crowd. Many are still unsure about the relative newcomer, but others are ready to embrace anyone on the other side of the ring from the leader of the anti-EPW movement.]
TF: … from Kamloops, British Columbia, Canada. Weighing in at 263 pounds, he is the REIGNING and DEFENDING EPW World Television Champion … FUUUUUUSSEEEENSSSSHOOOFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!
[Fatora steps out of the ring, and Fusenshoff hands the TV Title belt to referee Bryan Weatherby, who holds it high above his head. Weatherby walks over to the timekeeper and hands him the belt, then signals for the opening bell to sound.]
DT: Here we go Television title on the line!
MN: It’s not even funny anymore how much of a giant dork you are.
DT: Fusenshoff goes to lock up – but Beast says NO WAY! He clubbed him right across the side of the head with a vicious forearm! And another! Now Beast grabs the arm, hammerlock … OHHHHHH! Beast just threw Fusenshoff’s right shoulder directly into the ringpost!
DM: That’s not something we normally see from Beast, but you can see that he’s in the mood to take care of business tonight.
DT: Beast pulls Fuse out of the corner, grabs a front facelock, and he DRIVES a knee straight into that right shoulder! And another! One more, and the TV champion’s arm is going to be hanging by a thread in VERY short order.
MN: That would be so gross and SO awesome.
DT: Beast still controlling Fusenshoff’s head, brings him up … and sends him crashing to the mat with a snap suplex! The big man measures the TV champ up, and he drops the knee right across his chest, then rolls over for the pin…
ONE…
Not quite two!
DM: Beast is targeting that shoulder early, but it’ll take a lot more than that to put down a new champion in his first defense.
MN: Yeah. It’ll take a lot of RAAAHHR~!
DM: Cram it, dingus.
DT: Beast pulls Fusenshoff off the mat, but the champ fires a forearm right to the challenger’s midsection! Beast issues right back with a HUGE chop to the chest, but eats one from Fusenshoff! Beast! Fusenshoff! Beast! Fuse! A battle of wills right in the center of the right, and now both men are simultaneously drilling each other with NASTY forearms to the side of the head!
MN: Stereo whoopin. My kind of thing, babe.
DM: Who’re you calling “babe”?
DT: Fusenshoff gaining the advantage, raining down forearms onto Beast – but the former world champ shoves him into the ropes … off comes Fusenshoff, and he charges into Beast! Beast ricochets … another big shoulder tackle! Fuse off the ropes, and he rams into Beast! Now Beast with another charge!
MN: Anybody else feel like they’re watching at game of Human Pong?
DM: Only you would bring up Pong, Neels.
DT: Fusenshoff rocks Beast with another tackle, Beast goes stumbling back … no tackle this time! The TV champ reared back and caught Beast with a GIGANTIC boot right to the face! He picks Beast up, but not for long, as the challenger is right back down courtesy of a hard powerslam!
DM: For a guy who’s shoulder has to be bothering him in the early portion of this match, to slam a 285 pound guy with that much ease is impressive.
MN: Yeah, almost like there’s something strangely fake and pre-planned about this whole industry. Anyone else ever think of stuff like that?
DT/DM: Nope.
MN: Yeah, you’re right. It’s WAAAY too crazy.
DT: Fuse rolls Beast up to his feet, and whips him right into the corner! Fusenshoff sets on the opposite side of the ring, here he comes … WHAT AN AVALANCHE! The champion just threw all 263 of his pounds into the challenger at incredible speed! Beast wobbles out … into a monster backdrop! Fusenshoff spins around for the pin…
ONE…
TWO…
Not enough this time!
DM: Beast may not have the most affection for EPW right now, but it’s been a long time since he’s held gold in this company and you know he’d LOVE to shove that in Dan Ryan’s face.
MN: That’s not the ONLY thing he’d love to shove in Danny’s face.
DM: Ummm … EWWWW?
DT: Beast tries to take the champion to the mat with the double-leg … but Fusenshoff stops him with a knee right to the face! Now an irish whip by the champ … boot to the gut … swinging neckbreaker! The champion is on a roll!
MN: With mayo and pickles?
DM: No.
MN: Good, I HATE PICKLES!
DT: Fusenshoff holds onto the head, rolls right through … into a spike DDT! Tremendous impact from the champion, and he might’ve retained the title right there!
ONE…
TWO…
Aaaand a kickout by Beast! The champ is giving the challenger all he can handle, but Beast won’t give in.
MN [singing]: No he won’t back down, gonna stand his ground.
DM: First, I’m pretty sure those aren’t the right lyrics. Second, NO SINGING!
MN: Dang.
DT: Fusenshoff brings Beast back to his feet, scoops him up … into an inverted atomic drop! Fuse hits the ropes, going for a big lariat … BUT FANS!
DM: A swing and a miss that even Ryan Howard can be proud of.
DT: Fuse on the rebound, but Beast spins to his feet and kicks him directly in the stomach! Now Beast rams a shoulder into Fuse’s gut … and rams him into the corner! Beast has him backed into a tight spot … and chops him RIGHT across the chest.
CROWD: BOOOO!
MN: RAAAAHR!
THWACK!
CROWD: BOOOO!
MN: RAAAAHR
THWACK!
CROWD: BOOOO!
MN: RAAAAHR!
THWACK!
CROWD: BOOOO!
MN: RAAAAHR!
THWACK!
CROWD: BOOOO!
MN: RAAAAHR!
DM: NO MORE RAAAHR!
MN: Damn.
DT: Beast going for another chop – but Fusenshoff finally recovers and gives him a stiff left jab right to the jaw! Now a big right from the big brawler, and Beast has just been knocked a little loopy!
MN: Heh. Loafy’s loopy.
DM: Not with the Loafy thing again. I thought you were over that like three years ago.
MN: Nope.
DT: Beast wobbles around, straight into a HARD kick to the body! Now Fuse doubles him over, locks in the pumphandle … OH! The shoulder gave out as he had Beast in midair, and the challenger slipped free! Into a small package!
MN: UNBREAKABLE SMALL PACKAGE~!
DT: ONE...
TWO…
AND THREE-QUARTERS! Fusenshoff managed to slip out at the last moment, but … what a show of technical ability from Beast!
DM: I don’t believe it, but Beast just rolled through Fusenshoff’s escape and clamped on a kimura! Jiu-jitsu style keylock applied on the mat, putting TONS of pressure on the champion’s already damaged shoulder!
MN: SOMEBODY’s been watching his MMA and trying to steal stuff.
DM: C’mon, Mikey! Beast’s got a longstanding reputation as a submission wizard, but with his incredible power arsenal, it often goes ignored.
DT: Beast is wrenching on that hold with as much torque as he can muster, and I don’t know how much longer Fusenshoff is going to be able to hold on with this!
MN: If he doesn’t want to have an overcooked piece of linguini for an arm for the next few months, he’s got about 17.32 seconds.
DT: Beast is trying to pull the TV champion’s shoulder right out of it’s socket, and Fusenshoff is doing everything he can to sit up and relieve some of the pressure!
CROWD: BEAST YOU SUCK! BEAST YOU SUCK!
DM: Apparently there aren’t a whole bunch of Beast fans in Charlotte tonight.
DT: Fusenshoff’s doing absolutely everything in his power to try and escape, and he’s reached his knees … and he sweeps Beast! He spun through and put the challenger on his back! Bryan Weatherby drops for the count…
ONE…
TWO…
THRRRNOOO! Beast broke the hold in JUST enough time to avoid being pinned, but that was an absoutely amazing counter by the Television champion!
MN: Ya THINK? For him to do what he just done did … well I don’t even know how he done did it!
DM: Don’t sprain anything there, Mikey.
DT: Beast trying to stay on the advantage, but Fusenshoff just jammed his good shoulder right into his gut! And another! One more, and Beast is in the corner! Fusenshoff rears back, ROARING ELBOW! He hit Beast with that wicked elbow while he was trapped in the corner! And now, he’s setting Beast up top!
DM: Kids, get the damn Richter Scale ready.
DT: Fuse is up there to join him, both men are standing up on the top rope! These two giants’ heads are 10 feet above the canvas! Beast trying to provide some dead weight, but Fusenshoff’s got the head hooked…
…
…
SUPERPLEX!!! Both men CRASHING to the mat! Wait a minute, Fusenshoff rolls straight through … has Beast on his shoulders … TEE-KAY-OHHH!!!! Swinging cutter from the fireman’s carry, and the challenger is OUT!
MN: Hence the name, but still, holy sh—
DT: FAMILY SHOW!
MN: Sh-sh-sh-SHEBOYGAN, WISCONSIN! Ha!
DT: Fusenshoff might have this match won, but he put so much pressure on that shoulder with that incredible power combination that he’s barely able to crawl for the pin!
DM: He put a big hurt on Beast with that move, Dave, but with reward so too comes risk, and he may have just fired his last bullet and might not even have enough for the three count.
DT: Fusenshoff crawling … crawling … and … he … DRAPES THE ARM ACROSS THE CHEST!!!
ONE…
TWO…
THRRRREEEEE!!!! Wait! Wait! Beast got his foot on the ropes, and neither Fusenshoff nor the crowd here in Charlotte can believe it!
CROWD: THAT WAS THREE! THAT WAS THREE! THAT WAS THREE!
BEAST FANS: YOU CAN’T COUNT! YOU CAN’T COUNT!
DT: The champion was so, SO close to retaining right there, and he can not BELIEVE that the former World Champion managed to get a rope break!
DM: Neither can I, Thomas.
DT: Fusenshoff’s pulling Beast to his feet, double underhook … he’s going for the Tiger Driver! He’s got the arms hooked … but Beast won’t let him go! He’s fighting it … and backdrops the champ! And he bridges for the pin!
ONE…
TWO…
THRRRRRNOOO!! And now it’s Fusenshoff that has to break a hold or lose the match! What an exchange between these two warriors!
MN: Do you have like a Mad Libs Book of Crappy Announcer Cliches that you just pull out from time to time.
DM: I swear I saw it once, but he said it was a Sudoku collection.
DT: I hate my life.
MN: Then my job is done, folks. I have fulfilled my life’s work.
DT: Fusenshoff rolls away, but Beast hops right up, too! The champ turns around … GORE!!! GORE!!! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRREEE!!!
DM: Umm, did the Brazilian National Soccer Team just score a goal?
MN: OLE, OLE OLE OLE!!!!
[Right behind Neely, a group of EXTREMELY drunk guys in UNC-Charlotte t-shirts pick up on the chant, and soon enough, the soccer chant’s spread throughout the entire arena. Like The Wave, it gets annoying very, very fast. Fusenshoff, on the other hand, was hit so hard by the gore that he rolled underneath the bottom rope, forcing Beast to pull him back in and set up for another.]
DT: Beast is waiting, waiting, if he can hit one more than he’s going to be the first man in EPW history to hold the World and TV titles!
DM: And then he’ll use it as a spittoon or a bookend or something.
MN: A spittoon? Gross!
DT: Fusenshoff’s finally up … HERE COMES BEAST … GORE – NOBODY HOME!!! Fusenshoff bailed at the last second and the challenger went through the ropes and CRASHING to the mat!
MN: Time for me to say it…
DM: No. Don’t say it. You say it, I kill you.
MN: I’m gonna say it…
DM: I KEEL YOU~!
MN: BIG OUCHIE FOR LOAFY!
DM: I’m going to murder you horribly in your sleep, you know.
MN: Just try, Deano. I sleep like a ninja, ready to spring into attack at a moment’s notice.
DT: Guys? Match?
DM/MN: Sor-ree, Dave.
DT: Fusenshoff’s got Beast flattened out on the concrete floor, and he might just have to wait for a count of 10 to retain his title!
DM: Yeah, I’m thinking he won’t do that, Dave.
DT: Fusenshoff measuring up Beast as he pulls himself to his feet. The champ hits a dead sprint … takes flight … SOMERSAULT PLANCHAAAAANOOO!!!! Beast caught him on his shoulders in mid-flight! What a display of instinct and strength from the former World Champion!
MN: Uhhh … holy flurking snit?
DM: Holy flurking snit indeed, Michael.
DT: Beast has Fuse on his shoulders, what the hell is he going to do now?
DM: Nothing light and happy, I’d guess.
DT: Beast presses Fusenshoff UP … OH MY LORD! He just powerbombed the TV champ shoulder-first into the damn ring post, and Fusenshoff COLLAPSED in a heap to the floor!
DM: That shoulder’s completely separated. Beast just has to roll him in the ring and it’s elementary and … what the hell is Beast doing?
DT: Beast just had a half-empty beer tossed on him by one of our fans, and he’s going over there to give him the business! We need to get some security out here, or else Beast might try and hurt some of our paying fans!
MN: Front-row fans, too, so they either have the most money or are the biggest nerds in the universe. Either way, Loafy’ll probably put ‘em in traction for a month.
CROWD: F*** YOU BEAST! F*** YOU BEAST!
DT: Meanwhile, as security is trying to keep our wrestlers and our crowd separated, Bryan Weatherby is counting BOTH men out!
BW: THREE!
…
FOUR!
…
FIVE!
…
SIX!
…
SEVEN!
DT: Security’s finally pulled Beast away … but Fusenshoff is up! Somehow, the TV champ is up! Beast turns around … RIGHT INTO A YAKUZA KICK FROM FUSENSHOFF!!! Beast just had his jaw knocked OFF with that kick, and he’s sprawled out on the floor! Fusenshoff’s limping to get back in the ring!
BW: EIGHT!
…
NINE!
DT: Fusenshoff dives! HE’S IN!
…
BW: TEN!
[SFX: Bell rings, crowd POPS!]
DT: Beast just let his animosity with this company cost him a shot at championship gold, and while he’s going to win by countout, this was a absolutely HEROIC performance from Fusenshoff.
DM: That’s right, Dave. The new TV champion had his shoulder damaged almost at the bell, and he fought off worsening conditions for the entire match to somehow eek out a win. This was no cheap win, he EARNED this.
TF: Ladies and gentlemen, as a result of not being able to answer the count of 10, referee Bryan Weatherby has ruled that Beast has been COUNTED OUT! Therefore, the winner of the match and STILL EPW World Television Champion … FUSENSHOOOOOOOFFFFFFF!!!
[CUEUP: “A Little Less Conversation”. Much of the crowd cheers, but there are still a great many occupying their time by taunting Beast, who is just now recovering.]
DT: We’ve got a lot more for you on Aggression, folks. STAY TUNED!
[Suddenly, a voice breaks in over the arena speakers.]
VOICE: Well well well……guess who got invited invited back to the party?
DT: Is that who I think it is?
MN: Maybe, but what would Fred Savage be doing at a wrestling show?
[At that moment, the lights in the arena go completely black. Then, the sounds of a motorcycle revving pump over the loudspeakers, followed by a steady, familiar guitar riff. A moment later, block text begins appearing on the EmpireTron.
"YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE"
"YOU THOUGHT IT WAS OVER"
"BUT YOU FORGOT ABOUT..."
"THE SECOND COMING"
All of a sudden, the guitars come to a crescendo in a well-known chord repetition.
DUUUUN! DUN! DUN!
Tomoyasu Hotei. “Battle Without Honor or Humanity”.
The lights come up, revealing Bryan Storms and Matt Johansson – the duo collectively known as Second Coming – standing on the stage atop the entrance man. The crowd is unsure how to react to the duo, but the Charlotte audience gives them a surprisingly loud pop.]
DT: Second Coming is BACK? We haven’t seen Bryan Storms and Matt Johansson in EPW for almost FOUR YEARS!
DM: And they left under some very well publicized and auspicious circumstances, Dave, but they’ve been making a name for themselves elsewhere and now, I guess, they’ve decided to throw their hats back in the ring in EPW.
DT: Well, Bryan Storms has a microphone, so let’s hear what he’s got to say.
[CUT-TO: Storms standing atop the ramp in his now-famous ensemble of khaki slacks, a pale blue button-down shirt and blue tined sunglasses. He soaks in the reaction for a moment, then brings the microphone to his face.]
Bryan Storms: Hey, remember us?
[The crowd, now fully realizing what has happened, ROARS in approval.]
Bryan Storms: Guess so.
For those of you who haven’t been paying attention, I’m Bryan Storms, this man next to me is Matt Johansson, and together we comprise Second Coming, the single most staggering combination of tag team talent that the universe has ever witnessed. We are Your New Favorite Wrestlers, and as of this moment, we are BACK in Empire Pro Wrestling to finally come right out and TAKE what we never got a chance at four years ago.
And, lucky for us, this time we don’t have to go through Christian Sands and Lindsay Troy, we don’t have to go through Blitz or the Cameron Cruise Project or the dude with The Claw and his equally freaky freakazoid of a partner.
We just have to go through the two Goth kids from high school who never quite grew up.
Fee-Red, Firsticle, you two might’ve waltzed through the collection of stoners, Commies and other various and sundry Looney Tunes that have populated the tag team scene around this place since we left, but we guarantee you – we guarantee you ONE HUNDRED PERCENT – that you have never in your life come across the kind of otherworldly wrestling ability that Matty and I have an annoying tendency of showcasing.
Four years ago, I screwed up, and I screwed up badly. For that, I lost my job, and I lost my partner’s job. But, if the long and storied history of professional wrestling has taught us anything at all, it’s that everyone gets a second chance.
It took four years, but guess what? Our number just turned up. Our second chance? It’s just been cashed in, and this time, no manner of freak, weirdo or comic book character is going to stop us from FINALLY staking our claim atop the wrestling world.
[The crowd cheers, as Bryan begins pacing back and forth across the stage, never taking his eyes across the ramp.]
Bryan Storms: I’ve atoned for my mistakes, folks, and now it’s time that Matt and I get down to what we do best; outclassing each and every duo that EPW management wants to throw at us until they don’t have a CHOICE but to put us in the ring with these two Sad Clowns for the Tag Team Titles.
Our champs talk a big game about being Forsaken, about being an ultimate, dominant force, and frankly it all sounds about as sincere and convincing as Nakita Dahakaboomshakalaka talking about how she’s got UNNATURAL EVIL POWERZ~!
Seriously, boys, the two of you have bought into your own shtick so damn much right now that Cameron Cruise can’t even bring himself to tell you how much of a reality check you need. It’s gotten to the point where it’s not even funny anymore, kiddies!
…
Okay, it’s still pretty damn funny, but I’d stop anyway, because pretty soon, the two of you ARE going to get your asses kicked, and that won’t be a laughing matter.
Rest on your laurels for now, Forsaken. You’ve still got a little bit of time. But, please realize that the clock is ticking. Every moment that goes by is another moment that those tag team championships are coming closer to our waists. Every moment that goes by is one more moment until you two get in the ring with us and you get …
[Johansson, who previously had been playing to the crowd, sprints over and rips the microphone from Storms’ hand, all the while sporting a gigantic smile.]
Matt Johansson: PWNED~!~!!!~!!!!!~~~!!!~!!!~!!!!~!
[CUEUP: “Battle Without Honor or Humanity” as Bryan and Matt walk back through the curtain, leaving the Forsaken still confused in the ring as we fade to commercial.]