[Pyro erupts around the stage and the ring itself as a wide angle shot of the crowd pans around the arena before finally resting on the broadcast team.]
DT: Good evening everyone and welcome to Empire Pro Wrestling’s Aggression 37!! I’m Dave Thomas, with me as always is Dean Matthews and….well, Mike Neely.
[We see a shot of Neely, stuffing his face.]
DM: [Looking over] That’s professionalism right there.
DT: Tonight the recently announced Kings of the Cage tournament gets underway with a shot at the World Tag Team Champions on the line. Also, we hope to have an update on the condition of the World Heavyweight Champion, Rocko Daymon! As everybody knows, the champion had an ATROCIOUS fall at the last Aggression that left his foe Stalker in bad shape!
DM: It’s an update most people are eagerly waiting to hear, Dave. Strange as it may seem, NOBODY knows the condition of Rocko Daymon after that fall! The Daymons have been out of the public eye for the past few weeks, and Lindsay Troy has done everything in her power to prevent any news from leaking out.
DT: Well, I suppose if there’s no news, there’s nothing to be worried about, right?
DM: I don’t know, Dave… Daymon’s suffered some fierce drops through his career and managed to come out unhurt… but NOBODY falls through a window and three stories into the top of car and just walks away without a scratch!
MN: Maybe he’s dead! OH MAN, wouldn’t that be wonderful!
DT: That’s a HORRIBLE thing to suggest, Mike!
MN: Well hey, I meant the GOOD kind of dead, you know? Like, uh… BRAIN dead, perhaps?
DM: Sitting in a wheelchair, eating through a tube, and pissing in a bag for the rest of his life?
MN: HAHAHAHA!! Yeah, that’d be great…
DM: …you’re a sick man, Mike.
[The lights dim and the cage -- which is roofed and encapsulates the ringside area "Cell-style" -- descends to the floor to the ROAR of the crowd. Once it finally lowers, several ring crew members check the links and open the door so that Tony Fatora and senior referee Pat Jones can step inside.]
DT: Okay, folks, it's time to get the 2008 Kings of the Cage tournament underway, but before we do, let's get a quick refresher on the rules!
MN: Oh, I wait with baited breath.
[A graphic takes over the full screen, revealing the rules to the tournament as Dave Thomas says them.]
DT: As you've seen, we're not using the "traditional" steel cage for this tournament, but rather a 20-foot high steel cell that surrounds our entire ringside area. That means escape doesn't mean a thing, folks, once that door locks, it's pinfall or submission only and one team walks out with the victory. And finally, although there won't be countouts or disqualifications, the fall must take place within the ring AND standard tag team rules apply. One man in the ring, one man on the apron, that's the way it goes.
DM: Until the large men in the cage decide to take matters into their own hands, of course.
DT: That's your refresher course, folks, so let's not waste any time and get this tourney started!
[The graphic flies away, and the shot switches to Tony Fatora in the middle of the ring.]
TF: The following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL, and is a first-round matchup in the Kings of the Cage Tournament!
[Crowd POPS!]
TF: Introducing first...
[CUE-UP: "All These Things I Hate [Revolve Around Me]" by Bullet for My Valentine, as Simply Beautiful and Cameron Cruise step out onto the entrance ramp to the cheers of the crowd. The duo look at each other, nod, and stride down to the ring with a purpose before stepping through the cage door and sliding into the squared circle.]
TF: At a total combined weight of 498 pounds, the team of SIMPLY BEEEEEAAAUUUTIFUUUUULL AAAND CAMEROOOOON CRUUUUUUISSSSEEEEEEEE!!! Their opponents...
["All These Things I Hate" fades away, and is quickly replaced by the opening strains of Saliva's "Ladies and Gentlemen", along with the requisite boos that have become a part of this man's life in Empire Pro Wrestling. Beast steps out on the ramp, looking extremely angry and focused. He looks to the back, motioning for his tag team partner to come out, but nobody appears.]
TF: First, he hails from Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada and weighs in at 285 pounds. He is a former EPW World Heavyweight Champion ... THIS. IS. BEEEEEAAAASSSSSSSTTTT!!!!!
[Beast pauses on the ramp as his music plays, waiting for his partner to make his entrance. Finally, after "Ladies and Gentlemen" fades into silence, we get the first indication that the Dean of Thermodynamics at the Professional Heel Academy is on his way. It comes in the form of fire. A LOT of fire, pouring from every conceivable orifice on the entrance ramp and heating the arena like a custom-made rotisserie oven. "Sleep Now With the Fire" by Rage Against the Machine pumps over the loudspeakers, and Craig Miles, flicking the ashes from his cigarette onto the metal grates of the ramp, struts out to the entranceway to join his exasperated tag team partner.]
TF: His tag team partner hails from Seattle,Washington and weighs in at 237 pounds. He is the Dean of Thermodynamics, he is one of wrestling's most legendary figures, he is "COCKY" CRAAAAAAAAIIIIIGGGG MIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLEEEEEEESSSSS!!!!
[At long last, Beast and Miles step into the ring, passing Tony on his way out. As soon as the ring crew locks the doors, Simply Beautiful pounces!]
DT: Here comes ESS BEE ... SOMERSAULT PLANCHA ONTO BEAST!!! Andrew Rossi isn't wasting a moment in getting this one started!
DM: Neither is his partner!
DT: Cruise at a full sprint ... TOPEEEEEEE--NO! Cameron Cruise shot through the ropes like a Heat Seeking Missile, but the Cocky One moved and Cruise smashed face-first into the side of the cell!
MN: Miles moves, Loafy doesn't. Really took us long to determine who the brains of this pairing is, huh?
DT: Now the two combatants still standing are making a beeline right for each other! Craig Miles and SB trading lefts and rights, but Miles cuts him off with a knee to the gut, rolls him into the ring and Pat Jones FINALLY calls for the bell!
[SFX: DINGDINGDING!!!!]
DM: Good, now we've got order and democracy restored in this here ANYTHING GOES CAGE MATCH.
MN: God, I hate order. Not so much democracy.
DT: I hate to ask, but why is that?
MN: Because we've got too many damn Communists around here already.
DM: He's got a point, Dave.
DT: Miles and SB are finally in the ring, and it looks like their respective partners have recovered enough to reach their corners. Collar-and-elbow lockup in the middle of the ring, and SB powers Miles back into the corner! Pat Jones calls for a break, SB complies -- but unleashes a WICKED chop as soon as he lets go! And another! And another! Miles tries to bull his way out of the corner, but Rossi sends him right to the mat with an armdrag! Miles pops up ... right into a hiptoss from Simply Beautiful! Miles up again ... but SB drops him with another armdrag, this time of Japanese origin!
MN: Straight outta Osaka, yo!
DM: Quiet, you.
DT: SB hooks the leg ... but a quick kickout from the Dean of Thermodynamics, who slips out of the ring.
DM: Craig Miles has been around the track plenty of times, folks, but this is his first time ever inside an EPW ring, and he's going to need to get used to our unique brand of competition.
DT: SB doesn't want to give him a chance to recover ... baseball slide - NO! Miles grabbed Rossi's legs and pulled him straight to the mats outside! He grabs SB, and he throws him head first into the wall of the cage!
MN: I think he's already used to the whole "competition" thingy, Deano.
DM: Evidently.
DT: Miles scoops Simply Beautiful off the mat and tosses him back in the ring. He lays in a couple of those patented stomps, and now it's time to let the former World Champion have a crack.
MN: Maaaaybe. Maaaaaybe not.
DT: Miles pulls his arm away at the last minute, and he goes right back to laying the boots into Andrew Rossi! What the hell is going on?
DM: He's making life as hard as possible for Beast, Dave. The big man badly wants in the ring, so I think Miles is going to make him earn it.
MN: Further evidence that Craig Miles is the greatest man to ever live.
DT: Miles pulls SB up, but drops him right back down with a sharp elbow strike to the top of the head! He drops down for a cover...
ONE
And a half! SB was knocked a little silly for a moment, but he recovered and SPRINTED to his corner to tag in Cameron Cruise.
MN: HIDE THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN!
DM: Dude, it's Cameron Cruise, and he's in a cage.
MN: No, I just had a bean burrito, and ... welll ...
DM: You're spending the next show in a plastic bubble, Mikey.
DT: Cruise in, but Miles stings him with an elbow to the gut ... and a chop! And another! And another! One more! He's chopping Cameron Cruise all the way around the ring! Miles whips Cruise into the corner ... takes charge ... COCKYline in against the turnbuckles! Severe whiplash for Cameron Cruise right there! Out of the corner ... BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX! Miles planted Cruise flat-back on the mat, and now he breaks into that patented strut!
DM: That's some fine struttin' there, boys.
DT: Miles strutting around the ring ... and Beast reaches out for the blind tag! The former world champ is in, and he pounces straight on Cruise! Rights and lefts ... and Miles pulls him off?
MN: Hmm. This is a strange dynamic.
DM: YA THINK?
DT: Miles pulled Beast off, and he's admonishing him right in the middle of the ring, but Beast just shoves him away! He spins around ... into a small package from Cruise!
ONE...
TWO...
Miles steps in to break it up! SB charges in after Miles ... NOBODY HOME!!!! Rossi charged at Miles, missed and went straight through the ropes to the floor! Cruise rolls up ... clothesline on Miles - he ducks, and Beast GORED CAMERON CRUISE RIGHT OUT OF HIS BOOTS!!!
MN: Dude. I think I just saw his spleen pop out.
DM: Too much information, man.
DT: Beast with the cover...
ONE...
TWO...
Cruise shoots the shoulder up just in the nick of time!
DM: If nothing else, Cam Cruise is one tough man. That gore has put many men down in Beast's time, and Cruise was gutsy enough to pull a shoulder off the mat.
MN: Wow, you’re the world’s most generic man.
DT: Beast scrapes Cruise off the canvas … irish whip … HYOOGE SPINEBUSTER! Pulls him right back up … into a backbreaker! He reaches over to tag in Miles … the Cocky One up top, and he DROPS THE KNEE right across Cruise’s chest while he’s draped across Beast’s knee!
MN: See, teamwork always prevails. Even when Big Loafy’s involved.
DM: It’s been four years, Neely. Can you finally stop with the “Loafy” thing?
MN: NEVERRRRRRRR!!!!
DM: Crap.
DT: Miles lays down for the pin…
ONE…
TWO…
POINT FIVE!! Cruise showing tremendous heart, especially considering that his partner is completely laid out on the mats outside.
MN: Yeah, but he’s gonna get squished in like four seconds, so all this heart and guts crap kinda doesn’t mean anything.
DT: Miles tags Beast back in, and he catches cruise with a that trademarked clothesline as soon as he steps through the ropes! Cruise back up … another vicious lariat from Beast! Now he pulls Cruise up … TEST OF FAITH!!! Back up again … hooks in the pumphandle …
DM: Miles just tagged himself in!
DT: Beast has Cruise up … ABSOLUTION TWO KAY FOUR!!!! That vicious pumphandle piledriver! Beast drops for the cover, but Miles shoves him aside! Miles picks up Cruise … MILEStone!!!! Spinning tombstone piledriver, and Cameron Cruise might have a serious neck injury! Miles covers…
DM: Here comes SB!
DT: Beast sees him coming … OH WHAT A GORE!!!! Beast saw SB coming and charged straight at him with the Gore, sending both men into the cage! Pat Jones drops for the count…
ONE…
TWO…
THREEEE!!!!
[CUE-UP: “Sleep Now with the Fire” as Miles reaches into the corner, grabs a pack of cigarettes and lights one up, smirking as his partner looks at him from the floor.]
MN: Hmm. That was easy.
DT: Beast and Craig Miles move on to the semifinals, but after tonight, I’m not sure of two things. Can anybody beat these two, and can these two co-exist long enough to get to next week at Aggression?
[Cruise slowly gets to his feet clutching at his neck as Beast leaves the ring, with Miles a few steps behind him. As they reach the curtain we see Cruise slapping a turnbuckle while kicking the bottom rope in frustration. SB finally stirs and starts to shake the cobwebs as Cruise gives him the bad news. Cruise shrugs his shoulders and turns to exit the ring as SB's eyes widen in disbelief. SB shoots to his feet, grabbing Cruise by the shoulder and asks for a better explanation. Waving it off, Cruise turns to leave again before being stopped a second time. Cruise physically removes SB's hand and shoots him back a warning before turning to exit the ring to the back. Unrelenting, SB grabs Cruise by the shoulder and physically turns him around, causing Cruise to fire a right hand at SB, sending SB to the mat. Cruise exits and hops off the apron, slapping the mat in disgust as all of a sudden the fans produce a HUUUUUUUUGE Heel pop, tossing garbage and other trash at Cruise as he guards himself while heading over to the back.]
DT: What the hell has happened to Cameron Cruise?? He wasn’t exactly tearing it up out there, ya know. Surely he’s not gonna pin this one on SB?!
MN: He is, and don’t call me…
DM: AHEM….Good one, Neely. That joke was really funny when the wise men told it to Jesus.