JACOBS: “The following tag team match is scheduled for one fall…”
JULIUS: “Looks like Jacobs is going to be announcing Jack n’ Hoff first.. he’s already preparing himself..”
GHEORGHE: “Dean!”
(CUEUP: “What’s My Age Again?” by Blink 182. Jack comes running through the curtains, hyper as always, while Hoff lumbers slowly behind him.)
JULIUS: “And I’m right again.”
JACOBS: “Introducing first… at a combined weight of 456 pounds…. Jack … Hoff…. JACK n’ HOFF!”
(SFX: Crowd laughter. Jack rolls into the ring and starts doing jumping jacks. Hoff walks up the stairs, steps into the ring and grabs Jack before pointing at him and telling him to focus.)
JACOBS: “And their opponents… making their New ERA debut….”
(CUEUP: “Aye Foo” by Whole Grain. Cool Whip comes bounding up the stairs and slaps the fans hands. Lucky Charmz follows behind him nodding his head to the beat. They make their way to the ring.)
JACOBS: “Weighing in at a combined weight of 473 pounds … Cool Whip …. Lucky Charmz … they are WHOLE GRAIN!”
(SFX: Bell rings.)
GHEORGHE: “Carl Jacobs exits the ring as the two teams talk amongst themselves to determine who will start things off..”
JIVE: “Looks like Jack really wants to start for Jack n’ Hoff, but Hoff shoves him through the ropes…”
GHEORGHE: “And it looks like we’ll have Hoff and Cool Whip starting things off … they meet up in the middle of the ring … and immediately lock up!”
JIVE: “Jack and Hoff seem to be two totally different types of wrestlers, mentally… sometimes that works out for the better, but I don’t think that has helped these two in the past, as we’ve seen.”
GHEORGHE: “Hoff and Cool Whip fighting for the upperhand … and Cool Whip seems to get it as he takes the arm of Hoff and goes up and over… slamming Hoff back to the mat!”
JULIUS: “This is our first look at Kelloggs..”
GHEORGHE: “Whole Grain.”
JULIUS: “Whatever.”
GHEORGHE: “Cool Whip reaches down and grabs Hoff as he gets to his feet… Cool Whip with the arm and brings it back behind him with the hammerlock… and Hoff now trying to reach back and grab the head .. but he can’t quite grasp it… and so he reaches now and grabs the leg of Cool Whip! Hoff trips Cool Whip… but Cool Whip doesn’t release the hold and Hoff gets taken back as well!”
JIVE: “Hoff might have just dislocated his own shoulder there!”
JULIUS: “Yea, smooth move there, Casanova.”
GHEORGHE: “Hoff now rolls off and is free. Looks like he’s trying to shake off whatever effects that hammerlock had… but doesn’t get much of a chance as Cool Whip is back up .. and re-applies the hold!”
JIVE: “I really hate these teams who wrestle. They should just be pounding the hell out of each other..”
GHEORGHE: “New ERA has some great tag teams .. so I doubt you’ll find any of these teams in the division who won’t rely on their talent to win matches..”
JIVE: “And that’s why we need to change that.”
GHEORGHE: “Cool Whip releases the hammerlock, and grabs the head of Hoff before heading over to the corner … and he makes the tag to Lucky Charmz.”
JULIUS: “I’m getting nauseous just from the choice of names… Jesus.”
GHEORGHE: “Lucky Charmz steps through the ropes … AND POPS HOFF IN THE JAW WITH A RIGHT HOOK!”
JIVE: “Now THAT’s what I’m talking about!”
GHEORGHE: “Lucky Charmz has Hoff in the corner and starts drilling the knee into the gut… one after another …. Hoff already looks like he’s been in the ring for hours … and the match has just begun!”
JULIUS: “That was the perfect setup to make a joke about Jive, but for once I’m going to just shut my mouth and finish off the rest of this liq… soda..”
GHEORGHE: “Lucky Charmz grabs Hoff … and whips him into the ropes… Charmz puts his head down.. AND HOFF MAKES HIM PAY FOR IT! Hoff, on the receiving end of early punishment, drops down before reaching Lucky Charmz and drills the fist right under the chin of his opponent! Lucky Charmz knocked over and now lying on his back as Hoff gets to his feet.”
JIVE: “Jack looks like a rabid dog over in the corner as he wants to get in the ring.. and Hoff tags him in!”
GHEORGHE: “Jack LEAPS OVER THE TOP ROPE …. Lucky Charmz gets to his feet …. AND JACK WITH A FLYING CROSSBODY BLOCK … ONE …. TW—NOOO. Lucky Charmz quickly back up .. but Jack’s already three steps ahead of him as he comes off the ropes … FLYING FOREARM TO THE FACE! Jack is all ramped up!”
JULIUS: “I have a feeling that kid ate a little too much aderol when he was growing up..”
GHEORGHE: “Jack just tagged in Hoff ….. but he’s staying in the ring and grabbing a hold of Charmz’ legs…”
JIVE: “Hoff’s going up top…”
GHEORGHE: “What do they have planned………… OH MY!”
(SFX: Crowd pops!)
GHEORGHE: “JACK WITH THE SLINGSHOT ….. AND HOFF CAUGHT CHARMZ IN MID AIR WITH THE CLOTHESLINE FROM THE TOP ROPE! Hoff with the cover … ONE …… TWO ….. KICKOUT!”
JULIUS: “And Gheorghe’s pants just got a little bit tighter…”
JIVE: “Key words being ‘little bit.’”
JULIUS: “You’d know, too.”
GHEORGHE: “Hoff now with Lucky Charmz … grabs him by the waist … TILT-a-WHIRL BACKBREAKER! With the cover… one …. Two ….kickout!”
JIVE: “Half-assed covers never get the win…”
GHEORGHE: “Jack yelling at Hoff to tag him in … Hoff looks at Jack with skepticism, but does… and here comes Jack! Hoff hands over Lucky Charmz and Jack goes to town with closed fists.. Jack backing Charmz up into the corner… and now he climbs to the second rope to gain some leverage as he continues to pound away!”
CROWD: “… THREE! FOUR! FIVE! SI…”
JULIUS: “TIMBER.”
GHEORGHE: “AND LUCKY CHARMZ JUST PUSHED JACK OFF HIM … and Jack goes crashing to the mat!”
JIVE: “Haha…”
GHEORGHE: “What?”
JIVE: “Nothing…”
GHEORGHE: “No, really?”
JIVE: “You just said ‘Jack off him..’”
GHEORGHE: “I’m surrounded by idiots….”
JULIUS: “You are the company you keep, Gheorghe.”
GHEORGHE: “Lucky Charmz in the corner adjacent to his corner .. and he’s starting to make his way across using the ropes to keep him on his feet!”
JIVE: “INCOMING.”
GHEORGHE: “Jack charges in at him! Jack with a full head of steam ….”
(SFX: Crowd pops!)
GHEORGHE: “MY GOD! Lucky Charmz ducked under the clothesline attempt and sent Jack SAILING over the top rope and into the bleachers near the ring!”
JIVE: “Luckily for New ERA he didn’t land on any fans!”
GHEORGHE: “Jack went over the top rope … AND OVER the guardrail into the bleachers… granted the distance between the ring and the guardrail isn’t terribly humongous… but still!”
JIVE: “Hoff looks like he just shit a brick.”
GHEORGHE: “Here comes Lucky Charmz now sliding to the outside!”
JULIUS: “Looks like the action is going to take place outside the ring … let’s hope they both get back into the ring in time.. don’t want this to turn into a double count out.”
GHEORGHE: “Lucky Charmz reaches over the guardrail .. and he grabs Jack.. and hoists him over back into the ring area. Charmz now … SLAMS the head of Jack into the ring apron!”
JIVE: “Poor Jack doesn’t know where the hell he is.”
GHEORGHE: “Charmz now grabs Jack by the waist … AND DRIVES HIM BACK FIRST INTO THE SIDE OF THE RING!”
REF: “FIVE…. …. SIX …. ….”
GHEORGHE: “Lucky Charmz finally catches on to the ring count and rolls Jack into the ring before sliding in himself.. and this match won’t end in a count out after all, Dean.”
JULIUS: “Not yet, at least.”
GHEORGHE: “Lucky Charmz now tagging in Cool Whip … and Cool Whip is going to the top rope!”
JIVE: “Charmz goes behind Jack .. and he’s hooking the waist.. this doesn’t look like it’s going to be pretty.”
GHEORGHE: “Lucky Charmz nails the German Suplex … AND COOL WHIP FLIES OFF THE TOP ROPE AND NAILS THE ELBOW DROP!! Here’s the cover …. ONE ……. TWO …… THREE!!! NOOOOO!! Hoff charged into the ring and broke up the pinfall!”
JIVE: “Cool Whip took offense to that and now he’s pounding away on Hoff!”
GHEORGHE: “Cool Whip trading blows with Hoff in the middle of the ring as the referee tries to break them up… AND HOFF WITH AN ELBOW RIGHT TO THE FACE DROPS COOL WHIP TO THE MAT!”
JULIUS: “But here comes Lucky Charmz!”
GHEORGHE: “AND LUCKY CHARMZ TAKES OUT HOFF WITH A SPINNING SAVATE KICK!”
JIVE: “Hoff probably wishes he just let Jack take the fall.”
GHEORGHE: “Charmz grabs Hoff and hoists him up … Cool Whip back up .. he goes against the ropes …. AND … NO! Jack trips Cool Whip up and Cool Whip stumbles to the mat….. AND HOFF WITH A HURRICANRANA ON LUCKY CHARMZ!”
JIVE: “The referee needs to get some control over this match before these two teams both get disqualified.”
GHEORGHE: “The referee now escorting Hoff back to his corner … and now he turns and heads to Lucky Charmz … Charmz still on the mat holding his head .. and now Jack is trying to crawl over to his partner!”
JULIUS: “He’s almost there… but almost isn’t good enough.”
GHEORGHE: “Jack reaching up to make the tag to Hoff … but he still isn’t in range … and Cool Whip grabs onto the foot of Jack! Cool Whip drags Jack back into the middle of the ring .. and now Lucky Charmz is back up! Charmz goes to the outside … and Cool Whip tags him in …. AND LUCKY CHARMZ IS CLIMBING THE TURNBUCKLE! Lucky Charmz is perched atop the corner … and Cool Whip holding Ja… NO! JACK USES HIS FREE FOOT TO BOOT COOL WHIP IN THE FACE! Jack is free!”
JIVE: “Incoming!”
GHEORGHE: “CHARMZ DIVES OFF THE TOP ROPE FOR THE FROG SPLASH!”
(SFX: Crowd pops!)
GHEORGHE: “AND HE MISSES! Jack rolled out of the way! All three men are on the mat .. and Hoff now screaming at his partner to make the tag!”
JIVE: “Charmz saw Cool Whip go down like a sack of potatoes… and tried to stop Jack before he could make any move … but it was too little, too late.”
GHEORGHE: “Jack now … crawling again for the tag … AND HE MAKES IT! Hoff hops over the top rope .. and catches Cool Whip as he gets to his feet! Hoff with the irish whip into the corner … AND FOLLOWS HIM IN NAILING THE HUGE CLOTHESLINE….”
JULIUS: “And Cool Whip goes over the turnbuckle and crashes to the arena floor… this can’t be good for Whole Grain!”
GHEORGHE: “Hoff turns …. And drops the leg across the throat of Lucky Charmz… quick cover… but he only gets a one count!”
JIVE: “Smart move attempting the pinfall… but Charmz was aware enough, I think at least, to get out.”
GHEORGHE: “Hoff grabs Charmz off the mat and tosses him into the corner … Jack’s up … and Jack n’ Hoff now taking turns with the knees to the gut! And what is Hoff doing … Hoff telling Jack to stay in this corner …”
JULIUS: “They’re planning something for sure…”
GHEORGHE: “Hoff grabs the arm of Lucky Charmz… and whips him into the opposite corner… Hoff follows him in… HUGE CLOTHESLINE …. “
JIVE: “He’s not done with him yet!”
GHEORGHE: “Hoff now stepping on the….. AND HE MONKEY FLIPS Lucky Charmz out of the corn…”
(SFX: HUGE POP.)
GHEORGHE: “BY GOD!! Hoff with the monkey flip out of the corner … and the momentum of the move bounced Charmz back up … JUST TO BE CAUGHT IN A JUMPING DDT BY JACK!”
JULIUS: “And now the referee, realizing that Jack isn’t the legal man is finally getting him out of the ring…”
GHEORGHE: “Hoff’s making the cover as the referee sends Jack to the corner… finally the ref sees it … ONE ……… TWO ………. THREE!! HE… NO! Lucky Charmz kicked out!”
JIVE: “He may have gotten him if the referee was doing his job!”
GHEORGHE: “He WAS doing his job, Nick… he was making sure that the legal men were in the ring.”
JIVE: “Because he’s done that so well tonight as is..”
GHEORGHE: “Hoff now grabs the head of Lucky Charmz and makes the tag to Jack… both men now grab Charmz and send him into the ropes… Charmz comes back … and gets SENT INTO THE A… NO! LUCKY CHARMZ WITH A DOUBLE DDT!”
JULIUS: “Rookie mistake made by Jack n’ Hoff and Lucky Charmz nailed them on it.”
GHEORGHE: “Jack n’… Hoff went for the double back body drop…. But Lucky Charmz… I don’t know whether it was pure instinct or what … but he saved himself a whole lotta trouble with that counter.”
JIVE: “And now they’re all down on the mat, again…. This is a wrestling match not a contest to see who can make love to the wrestling ring the longest.”
JULIUS: “Plus, from what I hear, Lindsay Troy is still out in the water humping the floating ring … she’s got like a 50 minute lead on them.”
GHEORGHE: “Dean!”
(Gheorghe shakes his head in disbelief.)
GHEORGHE: “Hoff rolls to the outside … and Jack and Lucky Charmz are now left lying on the mat …. Jack rolls over onto his stomach and pushes himself to his feet! Jack reaches down to gra… SMALL PACKAGE BY CHARMZ!!! ONE ………. TWO ………….. THREE!!!”
JIVE: “Not this time!”
GHEORGHE: “Jack kicked out! Both men now sitting up. Jack reaches out to make the tag… but he’s going to the wrong corner!”
JULIUS: “Hoff looking up… and he’s yelling over to Jack that he’s going to the wrong corner… why does this guy continue to team with such an imbecile?”
GHEORGHE: “Lucky Charmz getting to his feet … and he’s following Jack into the Whole Grain corner! Jack … I don’t think he even realizes it.”
JIVE: “And Cool Whip is putting out his hand for Jack! This is great!”
GHEORGHE: “Jack makes the tag to Cool Whip ….. and now Lucky Charmz makes the tag to Cool Whip … Cool Whip enters the ring .. and Jack finally sees Hoff yelling at him! Jack slowly turns around ….. AND COOL WHIP WITH THE REVERSE KNIFE EDGE CHOP …. Jack gets knocked right back into Lucky Charmz … BUT JACK WITH A HEADBUTT! Jack with another headbutt!”
JIVE: “He’s trying to fight his way out of this mess!”
GHEORGHE: “Jack turns … AND HEADBUTTS COOL WHIP! Jack back to Lucky Charmz… BUT CHARMS PUTS HIS ELBOW RIGHT INTO THE HEAD OF JACK! Jack stumbles forward…. Cool Whip grabs him … AND HITS THE INVERSE ATOMIC DROP…”
COOL WHIP / LUCKY CHARMZ: “OH HELLLL NAW!”
(SFX: CROWD POPS.)
GHEORGHE: “THERE IT IS!! WHOLE GRAIN WITH THE DOUBLE SUPERKICK TO THE HEAD OF JACK … OH HELL NAW!”
JULIUS: “Don’t ever say that again!”
GHEORGHE: “COOL WHIP WITH THE COVER ….. ONE ……… TWO ……”
JIVE: “JACK JUST GOT PUNKED BY CHARMZ….”
GHEORGHE: “THREE!! Whole Grain has done it!! They’ve defeated Jack n’ Hoff here at BANNED in the US!”
(SFX: Bell rings.)
JACOBS: “The winners of the match …. COOL WHIP …. LUCKY CHARMZ ...... WHOLE GRAIN!”
GHEORGHE: “What a hard fought victory for those two men in their New ERA debut …. and on the big stage, the pay per view to boot!”
JULIUS: “Tell me this .. why didn’t the referee try to get Lucky Charmz out of the ring as soon as he tagged in Cool Whip? Sounds like favoritism right there. This type of shit makes me sick to my stomach.”
GHEORGHE: “Oh there was no favoritism there, Dean! The tensions were high … the referee did a great job all night keeping things in order…”
JULIUS: “Yea, ok. Next thing you’re going to tell me is that …. Nevermind, I’m not even going to set myself up for that one.”
GHEORGHE: “Congrats again to Whole Grain …”
(CUTTO: The higher ring, with sand, cacti amongst other things.)
GHEORGHE: “And that’s what awaits us next, ladies and gentlemen… the Desert Death match between ‘Total Carnage’ Trevor Cane and Jared Wells…”
