(FADEIN: Marcus LaRoque sitting at his desk just hanging up his phone. He is fiddling through some papers as there is a knock on his door.)
LaROQUE: “Come in.”
(The door swings open and in comes Chaos. He steps into the room and shuts the door forcefully.)
LaROQUE: “Yesss…”
CHAOS: “Listen. I don’t want any interference tonight. I’m sick and tired of having Jean Rabesque laid out on his back … ready to pin his ass, or even better, make him squeal like a pig for mercy, just to have some asshole like ANTAEUS run down and ruin my glory. I don’t care what happens tonight. I don’t care if I lose in the ring tonight. BUT … I will NOT stand for outside interference. I don’t want people like ANTAEUS, DREDD or whoever the hell else is after Rabesque coming down and ruining MY shot for the World Heavyweight Championship.”
(LaRoque looks at Chaos for a few moments. After sighing he looks down and continues to shuffle through his papers. Annoyed, Chaos walks up to the desk and slams his hand down, pinning the papers to the desk. LaRoque, equally annoyed at this point, stands up and looks up at Chaos.)
LaROQUE: “Just who in God’s name do you think you are? Walking in here and slamming doors, papers, acting like a child?”
CHAOS: “I want Rabesque one on one. This is MY title shot.”
LaROQUE: “You go out there and you wrestle the match. Leave the rest to me.”
(Chaos slowly takes his hands off the desk as LaRoque rips the papers back. LaRoque sits down as Chaos leans over him.)
CHAOS: “You better pray that nothing happens tonight…”
(Chaos starts to walk to the door.)
LaROQUE: “You better pray that you still have a match tonight if you’re going to try to bust my balls.”
(Chaos shoots his head around and snorts.)
CHAOS: “Try me.”
(Chaos walks out and slams the door behind him. LaRoque stares at the door as we CUTTO: ringside.)
GHEORGHE: “ Chaos is demanding that President LaRoque keep everyone out of his World Title match here tonight, Nick … and he seemed VERY serious.”
JIVE: “ Chaos needs to calm his anger, Tom, because LaRoque didn’t seem much happier that Chaos was trying to pull some weight.”
GHEORGHE: “ Chaos won this World title shot when ANTAEUS pulled Jean Rabesque under the ring in their non-title bout …. And as it stands now, Chaos is two and zero against Rabesque … Rabesque’s other loss came right before Destrucity when Chaos defeated him for the Television title…”
(CUEUP: ‘One Vision’ by Queen. The crowd gets on their feet and pops loudly when Alister Hayze walks through the curtain and stops at the top. Juliet Marceau glares daggers into him as he just winks at her. Hayze begins his descent to the ring as Marceau walks over to the referee and says something.)
JIVE: “What the hell is he doing out here??!”
GHEORGHE: “ Alister Hayze is walking down to ringside ….. and by God, after what Marceau caused last week … Hayze’s loss to MWG for the #1 Contendership to the Television title, who knows what he’s going to do!”
(Hayze rolls into the ring and requests the microphone from Marceau, who hesitantly agrees.)
HAYZE: “Lord Almighty, Ms. Marceau, you are looking fine tonight! I mean – that skirt, totally sets off your – eh, eyes, and this color, on this blouse here …”
(He gestures as if is about to feel the fabric, but she backs off, annoyed)
HAYZE: “Well, if really draws attention to your, well…hair. (He pauses, grinning wide at her, seemingly oblivious to the look of hatred that she is shooting him) But, to be honest, I didn’t come out here to appraise your fashion sense. Oh no. You see, I was just hanging back in the locker room when I heard you say something about Dylan McCormick not coming back for awhile. And I just had to come out here and talk to you, because – (pauses, looking as if this is really hard for him to say) Well, there’s something that I’ve wanted to say to you for a long time now, and I know, I know, you’ve had a bit of a thing for that young stud…but now that he’s not here in the picture, I thought I’d just screw up my courage, come out here, and let you know just what’s on my mind.”
JIVE: “Even after all of this Alister Hayze is STILL a puppy-dog in love … how pathetic!”
(Hayze moves closer now, and she’s looking a little frightened, actually.)
HAYZE: “You see, Ms. Marceau, I’ve been thinking long and hard about something that happened last RAUCOUS… I keep replaying the moment in my head, over and over… I just can’t stop thinking about… that kiss...”
(The crowd pops huge at the mention … Hayze is grinning at her again, and Marceau, though still suspicious-looking, has stopped backing away.)
GHEORGHE: “Can Juliet Marceau really have this much of a hold on Alister Hayze? I mean, she cost him the Television title shot!”
HAYZE: “I mean… no matter how I look at it, it keeps coming back… the passion, the longing… the tongue (He laughs knowingly here, getting some hoots from the crowd as well). And yes, I know what you’re thinking… you’re thinking, ‘Oh my, another one has fallen to my kiss”… but no, that’s not what I’m thinking. Because as nice as that passionate smooch you planted on me was… the kiss that I keep thinking of came from the man known as Madonna Wayne Grossard.”
(The crowd explodes as Marceau’s interest is getting replaced by fear, as Hayze drops the grin.)
HAYZE: “Because it was with that kiss that everything became completely clear to me. With that kiss, the events of the past months came into crystal clarity. The fact of the matter is, you’ve been playing me, Ms. Marceau… playing me for a fool. And while women have always been known to make us Hayze men act a little crazy, no one… NO ONE… makes me into a fool.”
GHEORGHE: “It looks like Hayze has finally seen the light!”
(Hayze suddenly lunges forward, grabs Marceau, sweeps her off her feet as they do in the movies, and plants a long, wet kiss on her. She struggles at first, then slowly calms and embraces the moment.)
JIVE: “OR HAS HE?! HE’S KISSING HER RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING AGAIN!”
(When Hayze tips her back onto her feet, she is breathing heavy, trying to catch her breath and wiping her mouth. Hayze wipes his forehead with the back of his hand, then turns and shoves Marceau to the mat. She sits there, staring up in shock.)
JIVE: “WAIT A MINUTE! You can’t treat the Vice President like that!!!”
HAYZE: “Let’s get one thing straight, sister. It might be love, but I’m not interested in being a toy, or a puppet, or your damned amusement. While I may have wanted you, I’ve never needed you, and, uh – (He stops, grinning again, and dabs at his lips with his thumb.) I think I’ve gotten all that I really wanted out of you. So let’s say it this way – it’s not you, it’s me. I’ve moved on, and I’d really appreciate it if you’d move on – out of my ring. Go on! Get!"
GHEORGHE: “By God, Alister Hayze has set Juliet Marceau in her place! It seems that everything has backfired on her!”
JIVE: “That’s yet to be seen, Tom … Juliet’s a bitch when scorned.”
(Marceau stumbles to her feet and beats a hasty exit. She looks pretty humiliated, as the crowd gives her massive jeers as she stumbles away. Hayze just stands in the ring, laughing, until she leaves. The crowd pops.)
HAYZE: “Well… (He climbs up and sits on a turnbuckle.) That felt pretty damn good. So what’s say we just keep the hits coming and bring my favorite Republican down so he can get his ass-whippin’?”
JIVE: “ Alister Hayze has got a pretty big set of balls on him!”
GHEORGHE: “I’d say!”
JACOBS: “Ladies and gentlemen the following match is scheduled for ONE FALL and has a thirty minute time limit …. Already in the ring …. Standing five foot ten and weighing in at 220 pounds …. He hails from Memphis, Tennessee…… ALISTER HAYZE!"
(The crowd pops as Hayze hops off the turnbuckle.)
JACOBS: “And his opponent…”
JIVE: “Now this is who the fans SHOULD be cheering for!”
(CUEUP: ‘Imperial March’ by John Williams as various soundbytes of Dick Cheney, Colin Powell and others are superimposed.)
JACOBS: “He hails from Conservative Middle America ….. standing six foot five and weighing 267 pounds ……….. THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN!”
(SFX: Bell rings.)
GHEORGHE: “ Phantom Republican finally rolls into the ring and he is immediately getting into the face of Alister Hayze … and I think he’s shouting something about French Kissing!”
JIVE: “Yea! You tell him … its FREEDOM KISSING!”
GHEORGHE: “I think .. he meant that Hayze shouldn’t have kissed Marceau with so many youngsters around and watching at home…”
JIVE: “In all honesty, Tom … after having Em Dubbya Gee on our program … I think our 15 and below demographic has gone through the floor ……. No parent in their right mind would let their children watch our shows…”
GHEORGHE: “That…. Is true.”
JIVE: “Well .. maybe dirty Democrats would…”
GHEORGHE: “Oh stop it! Both men circling each other in the ring .. and Hayze still has a smile on his face from earlier on …”
JIVE: “Hopefully the Phantom Republican will wipe that smug look right off courtesy of the apron.”
GHEORGHE: “They lock up … Alister Hayze goes behind with an arm bar … and the Phantom Republican quickly reverses it and has Hayze in an arm bar now … AND HAYZE RUNS AND SLIDES SENDING THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN STUMBLING INTO THE ROPES! Hayze back to his feet … catches the Phantom Republican …. AND A BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX sends Republican all the way to the other side of the ring!”
JIVE: “I hope you don’t expect this to last …”
GHEORGHE: “Hayze now walks over to the Phantom Republican as he gets up … and Republican with a quick shot to the midsection …. Phantom Republican hooks the arm of Hayze …. And he hits a suplex. The Phantom Republican quickly to the legs of Hayze …. And he drives the knee into the mat!”
JIVE: “The Phantom Republican showing Hayze that no matter how hot you may start, you just can’t overcome the Grand Old Party!”
GHEORGHE: “ Phantom Republican with the leg of Hayze again … and he drives the knee into the mat a second time and Hayze tries to roll into the ropes …”
JIVE: “What a cheater.. trying to run … as our great President would say, you can run but you can’t hide!”
GHEORGHE: “The referee now getting in the middle and this allows Hayze to get back to his feet …. The Phantom Republican comes in … and Hayze with a quick jab sends him reeling back! Hayze with another shot to the face …. But the Republican with a pair of fingers to the eyes and that stops him in his tracks! The Phantom Republican with an irish whip …. Hayze off the ropes …. Republican ducks his head ….. AND HAYZE WITH A SUNSET FLIP!!! ONE ….. TWO ….. KICKOUT! Hayze almost pulled out one early!”
JIVE: “He caught the Phantom Republican off guard … but he can’t keep him down for the three count … it’s going to take a lot more than surprises to defeat the Phantom Republican. He’s got millions of Americans on his side!”
GHEORGHE: “Hayze up to his feet before the Phantom Republican and he catches Republican before he can make a move … Hayze locks the arms … AND TAKES REPUBLICAN OVER WITH A BUTTERFLY SUPLEX! Alister Hayze with the cover …. ONE ….. TW—NO! Phantom Republican kicks out before two.”
JIVE: “Each time Hayze tries to get this early victory he’s just enraging the Phantom Republican more and more. This is going to come back and bite him in the ass.”
GHEORGHE: “Hayze up quickly and he drops the elbow on the sternum of the Phantom Republican .. and the Republican rolls over to the ropes to try to catch his breath.”
JIVE: “Smart move by the Phantom Republican … he knows he’s in trouble so he’s trying to throw off Hayze’s momentum.”
GHEORGHE: “But just a few minutes ago you were lambasting Hayze for taking a breather.”
JIVE: “But that was two seconds into the match … he had no reason to take a breather.”
GHEORGHE: “The Phantom Republican getting back to his feet now … and Alister Hayze with a knee lift … AND HE SENDS THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN THROUGH THE ROPES TO THE ARENA FLOOR!”
JIVE: “Hayze just made his cause more difficult to complete … he’s giving the Phantom Republican even more resting time .. and he has to go through more to get to him.”
GHEORGHE: “ Alister Hayze against the far ropes …. AND HE IS CHARGING FULL SPEED …”
JIVE: “What the hell…”
GHEORGHE: “ALISTER HAYZE SENDS HIMSELF AIRBORNE OVER THE TOP ROPE …………… AND HITS NOTHING BUT THE ARENA FLOOR!!! The Phantom Republican rolled out of the way as Hayze was in the air!”
JIVE: “Dumbass.”
GHEORGHE: “The Phantom Republican back to his feet now … and he picks Alister Hayze up from the arena floor …. AND SENDS HIM CRASHING RIBS FIRST INTO THE GUARDRAIL! The Phantom Republican hooking the back ….. AND GERMAN SUPLEXES HIM RIGHT ONTO THE PADDING!”
JIVE: “Hayze’s head was dangerously close to hitting the exposed concrete, Tom … that would not have been a pretty sight.”
GHEORGHE: “The Phantom Republican now rolls Alister Hayze back into the ring …. And the Phantom Republican with the cover …… ONE ………. TWO ………. THR-NOOOOO! Alister Hayze somehow kicked out!”
JIVE: “The ref’s count was awfully slow if you ask me! Hell … Mo Vaughn could run to first base with his legs tied together faster than the referee counted!”
GHEORGHE: “Mo Vaughn? Are you living in the mid 90s?”
JIVE: “It’s a metaphor!”
GHEORGHE: “The Phantom Republican picks up Alister Hayze …. AND HE HITS HIM WITH A HUUUUUUUUGE SHOULDERBREAKER! Phantom Republican with another pin attempt … AND HE PUTS HIS FEET ON THE ROPES!”
JIVE: “By any means necessary…”
GHEORGHE: “ONE …….. TWO ………….. THREE!!! NO! THE REF SAW HIS FEET ON THE ROPES AT THE LAST MOMENT!”
JIVE: “God damn these referees with their last minute glimpses!”
GHEORGHE: “The referee really laying into the Phantom Republican for trying to cheat his way to victory… and the Phantom Republican is … apologizing?!”
JIVE: “What a gentleman!”
GHEORGHE: “The Phantom Republican over to Alister Hayze … picks him up … BUT HAYZE WITH A SMALL PACKAGE!!!!!! ONE ………. TWO ………. THREE!!! NO!!!!!!!! The Phantom Republican manages to kickout at the last second … AND HE IS PISSED!”
JIVE: “I told you … Hayze is just pissing him off more and more!”
GHEORGHE: “Republican back to his feet and he is now stomping away at Hayze, who is still laid out on the mat. The Phantom Republican now glares at the referee as he warns him …. And the Phantom Republican goes to the mat…”
JIVE: “TERROR ALERT YELLOW!”
GHEORGHE: “The Phantom Republican locks in this sleeper hold / camel clutch combo … and he is trying to knock Alister Hayze out …. Hayze not doing very much to fight it … and this match may be over in just a few seconds!”
JIVE: “ MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!”
GHEORGHE: “Have you not learned anything from President Bush the 2 nd?”
JIVE: “I … guess I haven’t.”
GHEORGHE: “The referee down to see if Hayze wants to give in … but he’s shaking his head no!”
JIVE: “NO! He’s screaming I QUIT! HAYZE IS QUITTING!”
GHEORGHE: “No he is not! Hayze is not submitting! Hayze is fading fast though …. And the referee grabs his arm …….. and it drops!”
JIVE: “This match is in the books! A landslide victory for the Phantom Republican!”
GHEORGHE: “The referee lifts Alister Hayze’s arm a second time …… AND HAYZE KEEPS IT UP! The fans here in the San Diego Sports Arena are clamoring for Hayze to fight back …. And ALISTER HAYZE IS TRYING TO GET OUT OF THE TERROR ALERT YELLOW!! Hayze slowly getting to his knees …… BUT THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN RELEASES THE HOLD AND CRASHES DOWN ON HAYZE’s BACK!”
JIVE: “And the fans just had all the air sucked right out of them!”
GHEORGHE: “The Phantom Republican standing over Hayze … and Hayze again trying to get to his feet …. And the Phantom Republican once more crashes down on the bac…”
JIVE: “Hayze just flipped on his back!!! OH NO!”
GHEORGHE: “HAYZE PUTS HIS KNEE IN THE WAY!!! But The Phantom Republican lands on his feet … and he just avoided a very unpleasant meeting between his groin and the knee of Alister Hayze…”
(SFX: Crowd pops huge.)
GHEORGHE: “BUT HE COULDN’T AVOID THE FOOT OF HAYZE TO THE GROIN!!!”
JIVE: “Hayze should be disqualified for that low blow!!!”
GHEORGHE: “Hayze with a shot to the lower region ….. AND NOW WITH ANOTHER SMALL PACKAGE!!!! ONE …….. TWO ……….. KICKOUT BY THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN!”
JIVE: “Look at that! Even while in excruciating pain the Phantom Republican manages to kick out! Now THAT’s a competitor!”
GHEORGHE: “The Phantom Republican lying on the mat holding his groin as Alister Hayze uses the ropes to get to his feet …. Hayze now over …. And he is stomping on the knee of the Phantom Republican ….. AND HAYZE IS TRYING TO LOCK ON A FIGURE FOUR! Hayze has the leg of the Phantom Republican ….. AND HE HAS IT LOCKED ON!! Alister Hayze has the figure four locked on and the Phantom Republican is in pain … and his arms are flailing like nothing else!”
JIVE: “HE HAS THE ROPES!”
GHEORGHE: “Great ring presence by the Phantom Republican as he grabs onto the ropes and escapes from what could have been great damage to the knee! Alister Hayze releases the figure four … AND NOW HE’s DRAGGING THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN INTO THE CENTER OF THE RING!! HAYZE IS TRYING TO PUT THE FIGURE FOUR ON AGAIN!!!! Hayze wraps the leg ……. SMALL PACKAGE BY THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN!! ONE ………. TWO …………”
JIVE: “THREE DAMMIT! THREE!!”
GHEORGHE: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Alister Hayze kicks out RIGHT at three and the referee is signaling so!”
JIVE: “GOD DAMMIT!”
GHEORGHE: “Both men lying on the mat now … and both of them are slowly starting to move …”
JIVE: “They’re going in opposite directions though …”
GHEORGHE: “ Alister Hayze heading to one corner while the Phantom Republican heads to the other … and now they’re BOTH resting in corners directly opposite one another!”
JIVE: “This makes you wonder which is going to make the first move!”
GHEORGHE: “The Phantom Republican slouched in the left corner ….. AND HERE COMES ALISTER HAYZE!”
JIVE: “Like a bat out of hell!”
GHEORGHE: “Hayze charges in …. GOES FOR A BIG SPLASH …….. BUT THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN MOVES!!!!!! HAYZE PUTS ON THE BRAKES!”
JIVE: “Turn around Republican!”
GHEORGHE: “ Alister Hayze hops to the top rope … AND THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN IS POINTING TO HIS HEAD!! THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN TURNS AROUND ………. AND ALISTER HAYZE COMES OFF WITH A MONSTEROUS FLYING FOREARM!!!!!!!!”
JIVE: “GET UP!”
GHEORGHE: “ Alister Hayze picks the Phantom Republican off the mat …… AND HE QUICKLY DUCKS BEHIND HIM AND CATCHES HIM IN A SCHOOL BOY!”
JIVE: “GRAB THE ROPES! GRAB THE ROPES!”
GHEORGHE: “THE PIN! ONE …………… TWO …………………. THREEEEEE!”
JIVE: “HE GOT THE ROPES!”
GHEORGHE: “The referee ……. THE REFEREE IS SIGNALLING THAT THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN TOUCHED THE ROPES TOO LATE!!!! ALISTER HAYZE WINS A CLOSE ONE HERE IN SAN DIEGO AND THE FANS ARE ON THEIR FEET!”
(SFX: Bell rings as “One Vision” by Queen cues … Alister Hayze stands in the middle of the ring with the referee who raises his hand.)
JIVE: “This is utter bullshit! Hayze merely LOOKS at the ropes and the referee calls for the rope break … the Phantom Republican HAD the ropes … and Hayze gets the win!”
GHEORGHE: “He got them too late, Nick.. and I am absolutely POSITIVE these two will meet again down the road … and who knows … it just might be for a title next time!”
JIVE: “Bah!”
GHEORGHE: “Ladies and gentlemen … we gotta take a commercial break … but when we come back …. Caitlyn Daymon will face off against newcomer KRIST BLUE!”
JIVE: “I like this Krist Blue … she seems freaky deeky if you ask me!”
GHEORGHE: “We’ll be back!”
