NEWMAN: “That’s the signal .. the guys are all here and are making their way into the tree lot … we are just seconds away from this Christmas Tree Lot Brawl to determine who will face Cameron Cruise at Destrucity II for the WFW:NE Television championship!”
JULIUS: “Look at this! I think they’ve all had a hit of Dopesmoker… because they’re in their wrestling gear.. it’s what, fourteen degrees out, and now it looks like it could start to snow any second!”
NEWMAN: “The referee is wrapped up at least!”
JULIUS: “Ohhh good .. the one person who doesn’t matter at all.”
NEWMAN: “The referee explaining the rules to the five men; Mr. Entertainment, Jeff Jorgenson, Jin Gang Xiao, Erik Black, and John Doe …. And finally he turns to the man who owns this Christmas tree lot …”
(SFX: BZZZZZZZZZZZT!)
NEWMAN: “And there’s the bullhorn signaling the beginning of this bout!”
JULIUS: “Is he going to do that every time someone gets eliminated? Because I’m going to need ear plugs to go underneath these ear muffs!”
NEWMAN: “The five men are looking around the tree lot and now at each other..”
JULIUS: “This is going to be such a joke. JGX is 6’7, 462 pounds! He weighs almost three times as much as Jorgenson!”
NEWMAN: “The size difference between the two men can be easily overcome by the objects available in the lot … and I think things are about to begin because John Doe is walking right up to JGX!”
JULIUS: “Not only is Doe stupid, but apparently he’s suicidal, too!”
NEWMAN: “John Doe with a reverse knife edge chop … and JGX laughs at him!”
JULIUS: “As is everyone in the nice warm, toasty arena right now most likely, too.”
NEWMAN: “Doe, undeterred, takes another shot at JGX …. But this time the big man grabs onto Doe’s head and slams a closed fist right into his face! Doe goes down like a ton of bricks.”
JULIUS: “No need to insult bricks, Natalie..”
NEWMAN: “And now Jeff Jorgenson from behind! He hops onto the back of JGX and wraps his arms around him locking on a sleeper!”
JULIUS: “Trying to get your arms around the neck of this Japanese behemoth is like hugging a tree trunk…”
NEWMAN: “Jorgenson is struggling, that’s for sure … and here comes Mr. Entertainment! Mr. Entertainment grabbing onto one of the legs of JGX … and he’s trying to take him down!”
JULIUS: “JGX looking down at Entertainment, watching as he nearly gives himself a hernia.”
NEWMAN: “Jorgenson finally giving up and slides off the back of JGX … he turns … RIGHT INTO A CLOTHESLINE BY ERIK BLACK!”
JULIUS: “Black looked like he was going to into enter into the JGX sweepstakes … but Jorgenson being wide open was just too good to pass up!”
NEWMAN: “Black now … using Jorgenson to catapult himself on JGX’s back to apply a sleeper…. But JGX reaches up and pulls him over the shoulder… AND SLAMS BLACK DOWN ONTO MR. ENTERTAINMENT!”
JULIUS: “Is there any doubt, Natalie? JGX owns these guys!”
NEWMAN: “John Doe getting back to his feet … he looks at JGX … and now he’s reaching down into the snow!”
JULIUS: “What the hell is he reaching for? I don’t see shit down there.”
NEWMAN: “Uh-oh.”
JULIUS: “And apparently I spoke too soon.”
NEWMAN: “Doe picks up ….. what looks like dog feces!”
JULIUS: “It’s so cold out here that the shit is literally rock hard!”
NEWMAN: “That’s disgusting, Dean.”
JULIUS: “Not as disgusting as what’s heading JGX’s way!”
NEWMAN: “Doe heading towards JGX … BUT JGX GRABS HIM BY THE THROAT!!! Jin Gang Xiao lifting John Doe off his feet ….. OH MY!”
JULIUS: “I’m going to throw up.”
NEWMAN: “DOE JUST SHOVED THE DOG FECES IN THE EYES OF JGX!”
JULIUS: “At least it wasn’t his mouth!”
NEWMAN: “JGX drops Doe to his feet …. And now John Doe with a swift kick to the groin of Xiao!”
JULIUS: “By God, why don’t you just chop his nuts off while you’re at it, Doe?”
NEWMAN: “Doe reaching back …. BUT ERIK BLACK CATCHES HIS ARM… BLACK WITH AN ARM DRAG TAKES DOE CRASHING TO THE SNOW!”
JULIUS: “I think Erik Black is going for the elimination! He’s dragging Doe across the lot to the barrier!”
NEWMAN: “Erik Black picks Doe up … and now he’s trying to toss him over the concrete barrier! But Doe is fighting!”
JULIUS: “Wait a minute! Here comes Mr. Entertainment! Entertainment’s measuring them both up! That sly dog!”
NEWMAN: “Mr. Entertainment measuring …. Measuring ….”
JULIUS: “GONE.”
NEWMAN: “OH MY!! JEFF JORGENSON CAME UP FROM BEHIND MR. ENTERTAINMENT, GRABBED HIM BY THE TIGHTS AND SENT HIM FLYING OVER BOTH BLACK AND DOE!”
(SFX: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT! Mr. Entertainment has been eliminated!)
JULIUS: “Entertainment landed face first into the snow outside of the barrier!”
(Mr. Entertainment stands up, his face covered in snow.)
JULIUS: “He goes for the double elimination and ends up with a snow-face and a blown chance at regaining his championship. Sayonara.”
NEWMAN: “Mr. Entertainment NOT a happy camper right now.”
JULIUS: “Talk about ungrateful! At least he gets to go inside the trailer and have a warm cup of cocoa!”
NEWMAN: “Jeff Jorgenson salutes Entertainment… and now goes over to Erik Black to help him eliminate John Doe!”
JULIUS: “If I were them, I’d be less focused on Doe and more focused on Xiao.. I mean, hell, all you have to do is tell Doe that Santa is giving out train sets down the road and he’ll eliminate himself.”
NEWMAN: “Jorgenson lifting one leg and Black the other … BUT JIN GANG XIAO JUST RAN INTO THEM BOTH!! All three men squashed into the concrete barrier by JGX!”
JULIUS: “That’s what happens when you take your attention away from the most dangerous man in the … well, not the ring …. But the Christmas tree lot…”
NEWMAN: “John Doe drops safely inside the lot …”
JULIUS: “I wouldn’t exactly feel safe inside the lot with JGX the only man on his feet right now.. especially not after I shoved dog shit in his eyes earlier.”
NEWMAN: “True .. true.. Xiao grabs Erik Black off the snow … and he picks him up …. He has him … AND SENDS BLACK FLYING FACE FIRST INTO THAT CHAIN LINK FENCE! Black crashes down to the ground! JGX reaching down to grab Doe … but Doe crawls through his legs! JGX turns around .. and he watches as John Doe slips into the trees!”
JULIUS: “Doe is running! He just went into the rows of trees….. AND JGX IS COMING AFTER HIM!”
NEWMAN: “Xiao walking towards the entrance … AND HE IS PUSHING THE TREES OUT OF HIS WAY!”
JULIUS: “JGX plowing right through, pun intended.”
NEWMAN: “I can’t see where John Doe is .. but that’s not stopping JGX from trying to get to him.. and Jeff Jorgenson gets up … and he sees JGX heading away from him.. he caught a lucky break there.”
JULIUS: “You’re telling me! Jorgenson was about to become an ice pancake.”
NEWMAN: “Jorgenson gets to his feet and he grabs Erik Black … Black goes for a right hand, but Jorgenson ducks! Jeff Jorgenson slips behind Black… AND HE GERMAN SUPLEXES HIM RIGHT INTO THE CHAIN LINK FENCE!”
JULIUS: “Poor Black .. he’s hitting the fence almost as much as he hits his bong.”
NEWMAN: “Well the Greenhorn wasn’t too thrilled about being placed in “brawling” match, per se … he wanted to put on a wrestling match for the fans!”
JULIUS: “Boo hoo. The only man that was in that lot that could wrestle his way out of a paper bag was Mr. Entertainment…. And right now he’s inside the trailer over there .. probably soaking in a nice … warm … bath… GOD I HATE THIS.”
NEWMAN: “Calm down, Dean…”
JULIUS: “What did I do to deserve this?”
NEWMAN: “Jeff Jorgenson leaning down to pick up Erik Black …. He drags him to his feet … he hooks the tights …. And brings him up and over with a snap suplex!”
JULIUS: “There may be snow on the ground … but that’s still cement under the snow!”
NEWMAN: “Jorgenson grabbing the legs of Black … and he’s trying to get him over into a Boston Crab!”
JULIUS: “There’s no submissions in this match, idiot! You have to pin him or toss him out!”
NEWMAN: “WAIT A MINUTE!! JGX IS COMING BACK OUT!”
JULIUS: “I guess he didn’t find Doe… because he’s coming out empty handed.”
NEWMAN: “Either that or John Doe is now a Christmas Angel sitting on top of a tree somewhere over there..”
JULIUS: “Don’t get my hopes up.”
NEWMAN: “I take that back .. Xiao isn’t coming back empty handed! He has … is that …”
JULIUS: “HE HAS ONE OF THOSE LIT UP SNOWMEN!”
NEWMAN: “Oh my Lord…. He’s heading straight for Jeff Jorgenson! Jorgenson doesn’t even know what’s coming… his back is to JGX!”
JULIUS: “But Black sees Xiao! Black is trying to cover his head as he’s locked in the Boston Crab …”
NEWMAN: “Jorgenson has the hold locked on .. JGX now right up behin……. OH JESUS!”
JULIUS: “IT’S JACK FROST!”
NEWMAN: “The family movie? Oh Dean, how sweet that you’ve seen it.”
JULIUS: “I was thinking more the cheesy horror movie Jack Frost … you know .. the world’s most pissed-off snowcone..”
NEWMAN: “JGX slammed the lawn snowman right onto Jeff Jorgenson! Jorgensen’s whole upperbody …. Is now a snowman!”
JULIUS: “Jorgenson just tumbled forward into the chain fence… and now he’s getting up! This is CLASSIC …. The snowman is on tight … and Jorgenson can’t even use his arms to get it off!”
NEWMAN: “Jorgenson running around trying to shake the snowman off his body… BUT JGX WITH A THRUST STRIKE TAKES JORGENSON DOWN! Xiao grabs Greenhorn off the snow … AND HE JUST TOSSED HIM OVER THE BARRIER!!”
(SFX: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT! Jeff Jorgenson has been eliminated!)
JULIUS: “Aw.. it looks like Frosty has left the building.”
NEWMAN: “The referee now helping Jorgenson get that snowman lawn furniture off him … Jorgenson slams it into the barrier and now will be free to warm himself up a bit …”
JULIUS: “Without the fear of melting, too…”
NEWMAN: “WAIT A MINUTE!”
(The camera catches Jorgenson quickly drop out of sight!)
NEWMAN: “THAT’s MR. ENTERTAINMENT!! ENTERTAINMENT IS BACK OUT HERE AND HE’s WAILING AWAY ON JORGENSON!”
JULIUS: “This was Mr. Entertainment’s big chance at getting back the WFW:NE Television championship..”
NEWMAN: “Entertainment pounding away on Jorgenson … AND NOW JORGENSON RUBBING THE SNOW IN THE EYES OF THE FORMER TELEVISION CHAMPION!”
JULIUS: “Don’t they know that they’re already out of this? Nothing they do now will get them a shot at Destrucity II … give it up …. Go get warm before you end up like John Doe .. permanent blue balls.”
NEWMAN: “Speaking of John Doe … where the hell has he been? We haven’t seen him since he ran into the trees..”
JULIUS: “I wouldn’t be surprised if he high-tailed it out of here …”
NEWMAN: “Some crewmen here have finally broken up Jorgenson and Mr. Entertainment …. And Entertainment still pissed off at Greenhorn for eliminating him from the match so early.”
JULIUS: “Ms. Sharp, looking extremely chic in her winter coat, is looking on from inside a stretch limo … and she nods at JGX before rolling up the window… and now Xiao looks down at Black!”
NEWMAN: “Erik Black has been on the ground for a while now .. He needs to start working up some body heat to combat the frostbite.”
JULIUS: “JGX is about three seconds from sending him to the trailer for good…”
NEWMAN: “JGX grabbing Erik Black by the hair .. and he brings him to his feet… XIAO LIFTING BLACK OVER HIS HEAD …. AND HE’s HEADING TO THE BARRIER!”
JULIUS: “Considering John Doe stuck his tail between his legs and disappeared… JGX is going to go to the pay per view as the #1 contender!”
NEWMAN: “Erik Black trying to squirm out of it …”
(VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRM!)
JULIUS: “What.. the fuck?”
NEWMAN: “I have no…”
(VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRM!!!)
JULIUS: “HOLY SHIT!”
NEWMAN: “JOHN DOE IS ON AN ATV SNOW PLOW!!!”
JULIUS: “He’s heading straight for JGX and Black!!!”
NEWMAN: “The limo housing Ms. Sharp is now honking its horn… JGX turns around ……. OH GOD … OH GOD..”
JULIUS: “FOR FUCK’s SAKE!”
NEWMAN: “JOHN DOE JUST RAMMED JGX WITH THE ATV RIGHT INTO THE BARRIER!!”
JULIUS: “Erik Black was dropped right on top of Doe …. And they both fall off!”
NEWMAN: “The ATV now driving itself … and it is scraping its way down the barrier … finally someone hops on to turn it off! But Jin Gang Xiao is slumped on the ground …. And I think he may be seriously injured!”
JULIUS: “He just got rammed into concrete by a god-damned ATV ….. of course he’s injured you dumb bitch.”
NEWMAN: “Here’s an idea, Dean … maybe when tonight’s over with .. and your scrotum isn’t so far inside your body, you can then try to find your balls..”
JULIUS: “John Doe and Erik Black are getting up…”
NEWMAN: “That’s what I thought. Black and Doe now looking over at JGX… and … I think .. are they agreeing to get JGX out?!”
JULIUS: “It looked like a subtle nod by each man … but there’s no way in Hell they can get JGX over the barrier!”
NEWMAN: “Both men now are trying to get this 467 pound giant onto his feet!”
JULIUS: “No chance, Natalie .. not going to happen.”
NEWMAN: “They count … AND LIFT JGX TO HIS FEET!”
(All of a sudden in the background, the door to the trailer flies open ..)
JULIUS: “What the hell?”
NEWMAN: “WAIT A MINUTE!! MR. ENTERTAINMENT JUST CAME FLYING OUT THE DOOR OF THE TRAILER AND FALLS INTO THE SNOW…. AND HERE COMES JEFF JORGENSON!”
JULIUS: “Jesus Christ.. are they still at it?!”
NEWMAN: “Doe and Black look over as Jorgenson flies off the steps … AND SPLASHES ENTERTAINMENT!”
JULIUS: “And that’s all she wrote!!! The giant has been awoken!”
NEWMAN: “And JGX just nailed John Doe with a right hand! Doe goes stumbling backwards and lands on his ass… and now JGX drives a stiff shot into the throat of Erik Black!”
JULIUS: “Jorgenson and Entertainment are fighting in the snowbank!”
NEWMAN: “JGX stands up … but he’s limping as he turns Black towards the barrier!”
JULIUS: “Entertainment and Jorgenson…. OH JEEZ!! JEFF JORGENSON JUST WHIPPED MR. ENTERTAINMENT RIGHT INTO THE GRILL OF ABIGAIL SHARP’s LIMO!”
NEWMAN: “And Xiao hollering at Greenhorn…”
(SFX: CRASH~!)
JULIUS: “HOT DAMN!! JORGENSON JUST SPEARED MR. ENTERTAINMENT THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD OF THE LIMO!!!”
NEWMAN: “And Sharp just flung her door open and is getting out of the limo!”
JULIUS: “WAIT A MINUTE… DOE!!”
NEWMAN: “JOHN DOE COMING UP FROM BEHIND JGX…. AND HE’s CARRYING A SIX FOOT CHRISTMAS TREE!”
JULIUS: “Turn around, JGX!! Turn around!”
NEWMAN: “Xiao too focused on the carnage on top of the limo … AND JOHN DOE WITH A RUNNING START RAMS THE TRUNK OF THE TREE RIGHT INTO THE BACK OF JGX……”
(BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT! Jin Gang Xiao has been eliminated!)
JULIUS: “NO DAMMIT NO!”
NEWMAN: “John Doe rammed JGX so hard with that Christmas tree that he went over the barrier! We are down to two men!!”
JULIUS: “Either Dumb or Dumber will be going to the pay per view to face Dumberer for the Television championship …. This just isn’t right! JGX was supposed to cream them!”
NEWMAN: “The crewmen are over at the limousine trying to keep JGX from Jorgenson and Mr. Entertainment… by god … this is a mess…. We need to get these guys out of here before the entire Christmas tree lot burns down!”
JULIUS: “Not like there’s much use for it anymore anyways!”
NEWMAN: “Abigail Sharp now over to JGX … and she is taking him away…. Finally things look to be getting sorted out on the outside of the Christmas tree lot!”
JULIUS: “But the damage is done, Natalie … and I just lost $500!”
NEWMAN: “Aw, I feel for you, Dean …. I really do….”
JULIUS: “Don’t mock me …”
NEWMAN: “John Doe dropped the tree … and his focus is solely on Erik Black right now… Doe and Black exchanging blows right near that barrier … and it looks like Black is getting the upperhand! Erik Black …. Quick scoop slam! AND HE DROPS THE ELBOW!”
JULIUS: “I doubt either of these guys can feel their extremities… I know I can’t!”
NEWMAN: “Black dropping to the ground .. and he is now rubbing Doe’s face into the ground!”
JULIUS: “I can only hope that Black found a nice yellow patch before he did that.”
NEWMAN: “the Druid getting to his feet … and the tree catches his eye… Erik Black grabbing John Doe off the ground … and he sets him up… TORNADO DDT RIGHT INTO THE NEEDLES!”
JULIUS: “John Doe’s not going to need cologne for weeks..”
NEWMAN: “Black with the first cover of the match… ONE ………….. TWO …………….. KICKOUT!”
JULIUS: “Wouldn’t it have been ironic if Black won the championship shot on the first cover?”
NEWMAN: “No, actually, I don’t think that fits within the definition of irony.”
JULIUS: “Shut it.”
NEWMAN: “Black now gets to his feet.. and he brings the tree up and over his head … AND SLAMS IT ONTO DOE! …. AND NOW BLACK IS HEADING TO THE BARRIER!”
JULIUS: “Is he so high that he’s imagining he has Doe with him? You can’t toss the illusion over the barrier and win!”
NEWMAN: “NO! ERIK BLACK JUST HOPPED ON TOP OF THE CONCRETE BARRIER!”
JULIUS: “He better be careful! He doesn’t want to slip off the barrier and eliminate himself.”
NEWMAN: “Erik Black …… BLACK FLIES OFF AND JUST HIT THE FROG SPLASH ONTO THE TREE!”
JULIUS: “He’s using Doe as fertilizer!”
NEWMAN: “Erik Black rolls off the tree holding his ribs … that move may have hurt … but it may just be enough to get him the shot!”
JULIUS: “We’re about to find out…”
NEWMAN: “Black pushing the tree off the carcass of John Doe …. He hooks the leg…. ONE ……………….. TWO …………………… THREE!! HE GOT HIM!!”
JULIUS: “The referee says he didn’t!”
NEWMAN: “WOW! John Doe got the shoulder up!”
JULIUS: “That might have been the rigor mortis!”
NEWMAN: “Erik Black rolls off Doe … and he sits up… he’s still holding those ribs, Dean.”
JULIUS: “If he thinks it hurts now … just wait until he’s not in below-zero weather!”
NEWMAN: “The referee checking on both men … but “the Druid” is getting to his feet… albeit slowly … very slowly!”
JULIUS: “Cameron Cruise is probably sitting at his computer reading Jason Tripp mark out on the official WFW:NE twitter with the WFW:NE Television championship and smiling…”
NEWMAN: “Cruise will be defending the championship at Destrucity II … but who will it be against?”
JULIUS: “Who SHOULD it have been against.. JGX. Who WILL it be… who CARES now.”
NEWMAN: “Black now planting some boots into the side of John Doe for good measure …. And reaching down, he grabs Doe and now they’re heading over to a row of Christmas trees!”
JULIUS: “Oh boy.. we know what happened the last time Doe was near here… he came driving out on an ATV and practically mowed JGX out of this match!”
NEWMAN: “Well Black is in con….. strike that. Doe with a shot to the gut stops Black in his tracks! Erik Black with a rake of the eyes….. AND JOHN DOE RETURNS THE FAVOR! Both men now holding their faces near the row of Christmas trees!”
JULIUS: “With all the dirt and wetness from the snow … they may have just blinded each other!”
NEWMAN: “John Doe swinging wildly while trying to clear his eyes… and Erik Black is using one hand to prop himself against a tree while he rubs his eyes w/ his other…”
JULIUS: “John Doe is the epitome of those advertisements for donations to the special needs wings of hospitals…”
NEWMAN: “Doe peering through the tears in his eyes…. He catches a glimpse of Black! Doe charging …….. AND HE JUST NAILED A DROPKICK!! BLACK GOES TUMBLING INTO THE TREES!”
JULIUS: “Timmmmmmmber!”
NEWMAN: “And that row of trees just domino’ed! They’re all down … and Black is sprawled out!”
JULIUS: “Doe still having trouble with the dirt in his eyes … he’s having difficulty looking down at the ground!”
NEWMAN: “Doe … Doe grabs a handful of snow …. And he’s squishing it and rubbing his hands together…. And he’s using the snow to clear out the dirt!
JULIUS: “He sees Black lying on the trees… and … you’ve got to be kidding me…. John Doe is heading for the ATV again!”
NEWMAN: “Doe turned and now walking back to the corner where the ATV is … he hops on … but he can’t turn it on! I think one of the crew members took the key with him!”
JULIUS: “Aw.. poor Doe.”
NEWMAN: “John Doe looking at the ground around the vehicle…. AND ERIK BLACK IS GETTING UP!”
JULIUS: “Doe hoping that the key just fell into the snow … but “the Druid” is now making his way over there!”
NEWMAN: “AND BLACK PICKS UP A STEP LADDER EN ROUTE!”
JULIUS: “Doe’s about to get plastered… and not in the “I drank Uncle Joe’s eggnog” kinda way…”
NEWMAN: “DOE SEES THE KEY! BLACK IS BEHIND HIM THOUGH!! ERIK BLACK SLAMS THE STEP LADDER DOWN …. BUT DOE BENT DOWN TO GRAB THE KEY AND THE STEP LADDER SLAMS INTO THE HANDLES OF THE ATV!”
JULIUS: “Doe was just scared shitless! Either that or he was putting on his best New Years Eve fireworks impression..”
NEWMAN: “Black holding his hands as Doe quickly scrambles off the ATV… and now he grabs “the Druid” ….. SWINGING NECKBREAKER! Doe .. Doe now …. HE’s SETTING UP THE STEP LADDER!! JOHN DOE IS CLIMBING ONTO THE TOP OF THE HUT THAT WAS SET UP TO SELL THE TREES!”
JULIUS: “That thing looks like it was put together by … well… John Doe! He better hope that it doesn’t collapse…. Or else Erik Black will surely walk into Destrucity II to face Cameron Cruise!”
NEWMAN: “Doe … steadying himself on the wobbly roof of the hut ….”
JULIUS: “HOLY SHIT!!! DOE WITH THE FIVE STAR FROG SPLASH!”
NEWMAN: “BUT BLACK PUT UP THE KNEES!!!!”
JULIUS: “John Doe flew off the top of the hut .. that thing has to be about 10 feet high… and ended up crushing his brittle ribs onto the knees of “The Druid!” If Black can make the cover then we’ve got ourselves a victor!”
NEWMAN: “Both men are down … Doe rolling back and forth … and Erik Black … he’s lying there motionless.”
JULIUS: “BLACK! BLACK COVERS!”
NEWMAN: “ONE …………… TWO …………………. THREE!!! BLACK DID IT!! HE WON!!”
JULIUS: “GOD DAMN!”
NEWMAN: “NOOOOOO!!! DOE KICKED OUT!! How in the world did he do it!”
JULIUS: “Drugs!”
NEWMAN: “No … I mean how did John Doe do it..”
JULIUS: “Oh … I don’t know.”
NEWMAN: “Erik Black lying on the snow covered ground …. John Doe lying next to him… both men are breathing heavy!”
JULIUS: “It looks like there’s a fire blazing their breath coming out so fast.”
NEWMAN: “You said this before, Dean… but I’m starting to agree with you .. Cruise is probably reading the tweets and smiling … if these two continue at it … who knows what condition they’ll be in for Destrucity II!”
JULIUS: “Finally.. you come around!”
NEWMAN: “The referee checking on both men to see if they’re even able to continue … what would happen if neither man can, Dean?”
JULIUS: “JGX would get the shot!”
NEWMAN: “What?! That makes no sense!”
JULIUS: “I can dream, can’t I?”
NEWMAN: “WAIT! Erik Black!! The DRUID IS PULLING HIMSELF OVER TO THE ATV!”
JULIUS: “If he can get to his feet … all he has to do is dump Doe over the barrier and he will wrap this up!”
NEWMAN: “Black grabs onto the seat…… AND HE … HE IS UP!! ERIK BLACK IS ON HIS FEET!”
JULIUS: “Doe is DONE!”
NEWMAN: “Erik Black shaking out the cobwebs …. And he looks over at Doe …. WAIT … BLACK’s HEAD JUST SHOT TO THE FENCE!”
JULIUS: “God dammit! Just dump Doe and get on with it already!”
NEWMAN: “Erik Black walking over to that far fence …. He reaches down….”
JULIUS: “Oh snap….”
NEWMAN: “AND BLACK HAS A SHOVEL!! Erik Black grabbing a shovel…. And John Doe’s night is about to get a hell of a lot worse!”
JULIUS: “Is that even possible?!”
NEWMAN: “Black lifting the shovel over his head …. AND HE SLAMS IT DOWN ………….. BUT HITS NOTHING BUT THE GROUND!!! JOHN DOE ROLLED OUT OF THE WAY!”
JULIUS: “Black having no luck it seems whenever he tries to hit Doe with an inanimate object!”
NEWMAN: “Erik Black drops the shovel and grabs onto his hands ……… AND JOHN DOE! DOE REACHES ACROSS THE SNOW AND GRABS THE SHOVEL!! AND HE’s GETTING TO HIS FEET!”
JULIUS: “Right when you thought it was over John Doe comes back … he’s like a bad case of genital warts! ……….. Not that I’d know …”
NEWMAN: “Doe brings the shovel up!!! BUT ERIK BLACK!! BLACK REACHES UP AND GRABS IT!! THEY’RE FIGHTING FOR CONTROL OF THE SHOVEL!”
JULIUS: “The referee taking a few steps back .. he doesn’t want to be on the wrong end of someone yanking it away!”
NEWMAN: “Both men struggling for the shovel… they’re fighting back and forth …..”
JULIUS: “If Black gets the shovel all he has to do is jam it into Doe’s face and Doe will go flying over the barrier! Black’s pushing him closer and closer to it!”
NEWMAN: “Neither man giving an inch….. JOHN DOE JUST SPAT IN THE FACE OF ERIK BLACK!!! AND HE GAINS CONTROL OF THE SHOVEL!!!!”
JULIUS: “For fuck’s sake … can’t he just go quietly into the night already?!”
NEWMAN: “BUT ERIK BLACK CHARGES DOE BEFORE HE CAN USE IT……………………………………………….. OH MY GOD!”
JULIUS: “You’ve got to be shitting me!!!”
NEWMAN: “BLACK CHARGED INTO DOE AND BOTH MEN JUST WENT UP AND OVER THE BARRIER!”
(BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT! John Doe and Erik Black …. Have been eliminated!)
NEWMAN: “I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!”
JULIUS: “JGX *does* get the title shot!”
NEWMAN: “You idiot! Of course he doesn’t! But WHO does?!”
JULIUS: “Black ran right into Doe and grabbed him … but the momentum sent both men over the barrier… the referee just stood there and watched… and I don’t even think he knows what to do!”
NEWMAN: “This match can’t end like this!! Get them back inside the Christmas Tree Lot … and start it back up!”
JULIUS: “FUCK THAT!! I’m so god damned cold right now I could audition for the part of Mr. Freeze in the next Batman movie!’
NEWMAN: “DOE AND BLACK ARE STILL FIGHTING FOR CONTROL OF THE SHOVEL ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE BARRIER! I don’t even think they realize what happened!”
JULIUS: “They need to get their shit together… because as of right now … NEITHER man has won the shot!”
NEWMAN: “The referee trying to break them up ….”
