You know, there are times in my life where I just wish I had the heart to tell someone the truth and move on as if nothing were wrong. Times where I didn't just have to smile and nod in fear that if I were to utter a single word, I would crush everything they themselves believe in.
Times where I wish I could speak out and tell them the truth, that I... am not a hero.
I wish I was even just half the man a hero is, that I had that divine spark that brought people to look up to me and know, know I was a hero. Know that I was the stuff that dreams were made out of. But sadly, I never could prove that to the one person it mattered to... myself.
I could never be a hero in my own eyes, and I know that in the end, though many may believe I am... I'm not a hero. I haven't saved lives nor have I changed them. I haven't made anyone see the light... fuck, I've never even helped an old lady across the god damned street.
I'm just... me. And that... that just doesn't feel sufficient any longer.
But there's the thing: no matter how hard the road is I'm never going to change who I am, and apart of me seems to believe that in the end it will lead to my downfall. I mean, hell... it already did once in the HWF, didn't it? It nearly did it here again... God, I'm such a fool.
Guys like Alex Jay never truly had a downfall. He's had his own roadblocks and his own speed bumps along the way to the top of the mountain, but never has he fallen into the darkness and never been able to claw himself out, right? At least... never that I saw.
Meh, maybe I'm just talking out of my ass; maybe I don't even know what a hero really is, but I do know it's not me.
A hero is Chris Champion. The man who can turn his head and send thousands in a frenzy... the NLCW's golden boy. How many people has he helped, despite his own personal pride and arrogance? Here's a man who believes he's on top of the world, a man who does what he can for the people he cares for... he's one of the most loyal people I've ever had the pleasure of calling my friend. I mean hell... he's going to be my best man for a reason, isn't he? But even outside of myself, Chris Champion is looked up to and respected by many-- if not all-- who watch the NLCW. He... really is a hero, and he does everything he can to play the entertainer role as well.
Ask him to jump and he'll take off to fly... while I'm stuck here with my proverbial tail tucked between my legs. Long ago he was considered as being in my shadow... then one day, he just disappeared from my sight. Not because he left... but because he moved on, because he excelled.
He learned what it took to be a hero, and he accepted that challenge with open arms.
With every hero however, you also have your anti-heroes... guys like Ethan Andrews.
The face of the NLCW; the man who, no matter what he does, will maintain the respect of the fans until the day he dies. He doesn't necessarily have to be the bad guy around here... he just does as he pleases wherever he goes, because he knows these people will cheer no matter what. Take a chair to my head and they go nuts, punt a man in the nuts and they'll call for another. Ethan Andrews... the anti-hero who has the world in the palm of his hand. He's manipulated so many who've stood before him... but he'll always have their cheers to fuel his own flame.
Chris Champion is the man that makes you believe. Ethan Andrews is the man who keeps you guessing about his motives.
Dominic Pericolo is just... Dominic Pericolo.
I'm not some over-the-top gimmick who appeals to certain demographics amongst our fans. I don't go out there night after night and act like I've given fellatio to the devil for his services just to garner the occasional "ooos" and "ahhhs" whenever I do something incredible. I don't try to sell the size of my muscles as the only thing worth-while about who I am in the ring... I simply present them with what I have. i go out there and I give the best show I can for those fans, but never have I stepped outside of my own boundaries to please them, because to do so would only be selling out the whole point of why I do what I do.
You know, maybe that's what's so appealing to these fans-- to my fans-- I'm just like them in the end. I have my working hours and I do my fair share... I work my occasional overtime and generally just go out here trying to make a living. I suppose the major difference between myself and a regular person is that, well... my life is my job.
They have a home to come back to, I don't. My home is assorted hotels and apartments all throughout the world, where Suki and I sleep on a different bed every week. We don't have anything to call our own... she's given up that to stay with me through all of this, rather then be left alone at home watching me on television. The NLCW has graciously accepted her as a part of the family so that she can ride the flights with me and go on things like these world tours without an extra charge... but she'll not know what it's like to go back to a home of her own until this ride of mine has finally ended.
Sometimes I just feel so guilty... I wish I could give her that life, that family... but God, these dreams of mine. I'm 30 years old, and I still haven't accomplished them! I just... damn it all, I'm torn over what to do. Remember what I told you, Kindred? I told you I've lost that hero's touch... I really can't decide what's right and wrong for me to do any longer.
And that's the first step to losing sight of who you are.
I digress, and I do hate to do that, so let me get back on topic. Where was I again? Ah yes... the differences between myself and a regular person are quite slim indeed. At times it's rather dissapointing to me... I've always wanted to be the big hero that everyone looks up to in admiration. I always wanted to be somebody important in this world, be somebody important to the people... but I'm just myself in the long run. I'm just the weekly entertainer of a business that's all about the entertainment and, at the end of the day... I'm still just as expendable as any other star they have on roster today. If I were to leave tomorrow... the NLCW would not crumble. Sure, I bring in some of the profits... but I'm not that shining icon of the corporation I wish I could be.
It's like I've always said, right? I'm simply Dominic Pericolo.
But damn it, that's not enough!!
Why?! Why can't I become what the child inside of me always dreamed of? Why can't I just be the hero... just once? What's holding me back? Am I just misunderstanding that which makes a hero?
What's holding me back from becoming Chris Champion? Ethan Andrews? Rick Majors? Even Bucky-Fucking-Skyler?!
Maybe I'm just trying too hard; they always tell you that "Ya' know what they say; too much stress'll kill ya'!"
I mean, I suppose I could go a bit easier on myself... it's just that never before have I came so close to the high-point of my dreams, you know? I've won the world title... I'm reaching so damn far for just one more chance at it... and to fall short now just because I'm second-guessing myself, that could be one of the biggest failures I'd ever make. To come so close to my dreams, to finally know that they're just within a fingertip's length... and then to slip and fall right back to the ground I started from?
It's like a sledgehammer to the heart, like a cannonball to the stomach. It would suck the very will right out of me, that fighting spirit I've always held slowly diminishing right before my eyes. I just... damn it all, I've failed so many times, WHY CAN'T I BE WHO I'VE ALWAYS DREAMT OF BEING?!
You tell me that now! For God's sake, I've prayed and I've trained... I've done everything I can! I've never given up, always kept up my hope, my faith... WHY?! Why am I always subjugated to failure?! Why is it, that when I'm proclaimed the hero, I'm always the underdog? The one who has to have the odds stacked against him?! Why can't the hero rise again and stand above the opposition, so that that opposition may benefit by growing to take him on once more?
I'm lagging behind in this race, the light's still dim as ever...
... and I don't want to look back at all that lies behind me.
I don't want to go back to the HWF, fighting Jimmy Jett for the North American title. I don't want my first match to be ruined because my opponent got injured, to have to face some no-name jobber in a complete joke of a match...
I don't want to return to the days where I was lost within my own mind, feeling alone and betrayed by everyone I held dear-- both fan and friend alike.
I don't want to go back to how I was... I just want to move on.
I'm afraid of going back to my nightmares, of never being able to have a "good night's sleep". I'm afraid of losing Suki, afraid of losing the friends I've had the blessings to make in this business.