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2010 KING OF ALL MONSTERS GP

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LQJT86C

Where's my money, Chad?
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RP DEADLINE: Saturday, February 6th at 4:00am EASTERN TIME.

Tournament Participants:

Magnus Destructo
Vic Gravender
Duke Mackey
Rory Henderson
Yutaka Maeda
Zesty Mordant
Dane Lauritsen
Hans Nowack

Refer to the lineup posted HERE. Hans Nowack is a character who is UP FOR GRABS. Anyone not currently signed up for the tournament can RP Hans, first one to try gets him, and they'll have as good a chance of winning as the rest of you.

Standard 48 hour stack rules apply.

Do this sh*t battle royal style...EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF! Winner will headline our first PPV in March, in the match to decide the inaugural NLW World Open Weight Champion. Good luck...
 

RStrawsma

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(FADE IN: It's another gloriously gorrifying day in the Carpathian Mountains at the KEEP OF ETERNAL DARKNESS. Upon his throne of skulls and spike-motifs, Next Level Wrestling's resident blood-thirsty black metal psychopath, MAGNUS DESTRUCTO, guffaws with horrid delight, while his oft-abused personal assistant Dulak the Defiler watches from his place at his master's side.)

(At present, the Dreaded Deveurer is watching an episode of Metalocalpse, projected onto a big-screen likely made of human skin hanging on the opposite wall of the throne room slash torture chamber. Between fits of laughter and the umpteenth phallic joke made by William Murderface, he jams a handful of strange-looking brown morsels into his voracious maw... noticing that the large, spike-studded black steel bucket holding them is running low.)

Magnus Destructo
DULAK, YOU FILTHY MISCREANT! FETCH ME ANOTHER BUCKET OF FRIED EYEBALLS!

Dulak the Defiler
Another? Great master, are you sure that's wise? You might want to take your cholesterol levels into consideration...

(Quite angrily, Destructo chucks the bucket as hard as he can, sending it clattering noisily across the floor. Dulak misses the projectile, but doesn't avoid the inevitable shower of deep fried peepers raining down on him.)

Magnus Destructo
YOU DARE QUESTION THE DESIRES OF YOUR LORD AND MASTER?! FETCH ME ANOTHER BUCKET NOW, BEFORE I DEVOUR YOU ENTIRELY HERE ON THE SPOT!!

Dulak the Defiler
One bucket of fried eyeballs, coming right up!

(Dulak darts out of the frame, but almost as soon as he's gone, Destructo is approached by the corpulent and duster-wearing freak of nature named Gollomach.)

Gollomach
Pardon the interruption, Master... but there's someone here to see you.

Magnus Destructo
SOMEBODY HAS THE GALL TO INTERRUPT MOVIE-TIME?!

(Gollomach holds up the apparent visitor by his grip around the person's ankle. Destructo has to look down around the big man's feet to see the bewildered face of the MEDIA BARON, armed with only a mic and looking back at him in fright.)

The Media Baron
Hello there, Mr. Destructo! I was, uh... wondering if I could get a few words with you!

(The Baron of Brutality looks scrupulously back to his servant.)

Magnus Destructo
HOW DID HE GET AROUND THE SPIKE-FILLED PIT OUTSIDE THE GATE?!

Gollomach
Uh... it looked like the trap door was rusted shut. Should I dispose of this pest, sire?

Magnus Destructo
...MEH. LEAVE HIM FOR ME!! IN THE MEANTIME, YOU CAN MAKE YOURSELF USEFUL BY FIXING THAT DAMN TRAP DOOR!!

Gollomach
By your command, sire.

(Dropping the Media Baron at the feet of the Dreaded Devourer, Gollomach very respectfully bows and quickly sets off to his task. The Media Baron pulls himself to his feet and his barely able to dust himself off before the shadow of Magnus Destructo falls over him. The Media Baron looks up with a whimper at the malicious face of the professional wrestling monster.)

Magnus Destructo
IS THERE ANY REASON WHY I SHOULDN'T JUST RIP YOU IN HALF RIGHT NOW, PATHETIC WORM?!

The Media Baron
Uh... well, if you killed me now, you'd be depriving yourself the opportunity to kill me later in a much more interesting manner.

Magnus Destructo
...OKAY, YOU GOT A POINT THERE. YOU'LL LIVE FOR NOW... UNTIL I CAN THINK OF A BETTER WAY TO END YOUR PATHETIC LIFE!!

NOW TELL ME, PEASANT... WHY HAVE YOU COME TO THIS PALACE OF HORRORS?!

The Media Baron
Well, Destructo... as you know, the King of All Monsters Grand Prix is scheduled to take place at the next edition of NLW's Vulgar! Of course, the winner of that tournament will go on to compete for the NLW Open Weight Championship... and given how dominant you've been, there are many out there who think that YOU will be walking into NLW's Eye for an Eye with the chance to become the federation's inaugural Open Weight Champion!

Magnus Destructo
HAHA!! OF COURSE PEOPLE THINK THAT, TWERP... AS IF THERE WAS ANY QUESTION!! MAGNUS DESTRUCTO IS THE KING OF ALL MONSTERS IN NEXT LEVEL WRESTLING, AND THERE ISN'T A MEAGER SOUL OUT THERE THAT CAN SURVIVE MY APPETITE FOR TOTAL DOMINATION AND DESTRUCTION!!!

The Media Baron
Of course, you've shown that you are more than the normal man can handle, as demonstrated in your win over "Normal" John Johnson... and by beating puro master Yutaka Maeda at the Hammerstein Ballroom last week, you've proven that size is a non-issue. But to earn that title shot and come out of this tournament the winner, you'll need to go through THREE other competitors in your weight category.

Magnus Destructo
BAH!! AS I'VE BOLDLY DECLARED BEFORE, I AM THE BIGGEST AND THE BADDEST BEHEMOTH IN ALL OF NEXT LEVEL WRESTLING!! JUST WHAT SORT OF FOOLS DARE STAND IN THE WAY OF MY CONQUEST?!

(The Media Baron pulls out a remote and points it at the fleshy big-screen. We cut from Pickles the Drummer in the midst of another booze binge to a still-frame shot of Duke Mackey.)

The Media Baron
Well... one of the men you may have to deal with in the tournament is strip club bouncer turned wrestler... "Dangerous" Duke Mackey! Mackey had an impressive win in his debut match last week...

Magnus Destructo
HA!! DOES ANYBODY REALLY EXPECT THIS SLEAZY, DOG-FACED INGRATE IS GOING TO OUTLAST ME?? MAGNUS DESTRUCTO?!

IF HE IS UNFORTUNATE TO FIND HIMSELF IN THE RING ALONE WITH THE DREADED DEVOURER, THEN I WILL SKEWER THIS UGLY PUNK ALIVE WITH A STRIPPER POLE!!

(The Media Baron swallows hard as he visualizes this horrific image, and decides to go to the next frame... showing Vic Gravender.)

The Media Baron
How about "The Watertown Wrecking Ball" Vic Gravender? You know, he's one of few men on the NLW roster that actually outweighs you...

Magnus Destructo
WELL, LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE A PROBLEM THEN!! I ALREADY SAID THAT I WAS THE BIGGEST AND BADDEST MONSTER OF THEM ALL... SO IF I GET THE CHANCE WITH THIS BLOATED SACK OF CRAP, I'LL JUST HAVE TO DISEMBOWEL HIM UNTIL HE'S LOST ENOUGH GUTS TO TIP THE SCALES BELOW TWO-HUNDRED AND EIGHTY!! HA HA HA!!

...YOU KNOW, ALL THIS TALK OF GRISLY EXECUTIONS IS MAKING ME HUNGRY!! WHERE IN THE HELL ARE MY FRIED EYEBALLS?!

DULAK!!

(On cue, the manservant returns with a fresh pail of deep-fried eyeballs.)

Dulak the Defiler
Right here, glorious master!

Magnus Destructo
HMPH... ABOUT TIME...

(Dulak hands over the bucket, which the Dreaded Devourer sets on his lap with a fairly malicious smile spreading over his painted face. He tosses in the first golden-brown morsel... chews it steadily... and suddenly, his eyes pop open in fury. Spitting out what's left in his mouth, Destructo quite ANGRILY throws the bucket of eyes back onto his meager manservant. This time, Dulak is unable to avoid both the bucket and the hail of fried eyeballs.)

Magnus Destructo
WORTHLESS MAGGOT!! THOSE EYEBALLS TASTE HORRIBLE!! SEE YOURSELF TO THE DUNGEON, AND GET ME A FRESH BATCH!!

DO IT NOW!!

Dulak the Defiler
My humblest apologies, esteemed master! My life not worth your all-encompassing wrath! I will bring fresh eyeballs at ONCE!

(Like a beaten dog, Dulak scampers off. Magnus Destructo rubs his temples in annoyance.)

Magnus Destructo
BY AZAZEL'S ASSCRACK, EVERYBODY AROUND HERE IS FREAKING WORTHLESS!!

(Clearing his throat, the Media Baron hits the button on the remote again. It skips to a still frame of Hans Nowack.)

The Media Baron
Of course, rumor has it also that Poland's Strongest Man, HANS NOWACK, will be making an appearance in the tournament as well. Hans Nowack, of course, is recognized for his work in Las Vegas Wrestling... including his feud with "The Butt Dominator" Olvir Arsvinnar.

Magnus Destructo
THAT OVERRATED NORSE APE?! HA!! ANY BUFFOON WHO GETS CAUGHT UP IN A RIVALRY WITH THAT BRAINLESS WEAKLING IS JUST AS BRAINLESS AND JUST AS WEAK!! IF THIS POLISH PROSTATE GETS IN MY WAY, THEN I'LL RIP HIS BIGS ARMS OFF AND BEAT HIM TO DEATH WITH THEM!!

WHO'S NEXT?!

(The Media Baron hits the remote again. The image of Zesty Mordant appears on the flesh screen. Destructo takes the man's image in for a moment, then bursts out into uproarious laughter.)

Magnus Destructo
BWAHAHAHAHA!! WHO IS THAT OAFISH BUM?!

The Media Baron
Uhm... Zesty "The Blue Bastard" Mordant? Not the flashiest talent on the roster, I suppose, but he had a hell of a main event with Impulse last week, and only came up short in the end. Did you see it?

Magnus Destructo
PFFT!! WHAT REASON DO I HAVE TO WATCH THE WEAKLINGS THAT FOLLOW ME?! BUT YOU SAY THIS HOBO FAILED AGAINST THAT SHRIMP CALLED IMPULSE?! HOW TRULY PATHETIC!!

(The Media Baron is about to change the screen again, but Destructo cuts him off, rising out of his throne and taking a few steps forward to stand in full view of the camera for a monologue moment.)

Magnus Destructo
I HAVE SEEN ENOUGH OF THESE WEAK POTENTIAL OPPONENTS!! IT IS QUITE OBVIOUS TO ME THAT THERE IS NOT A SINGLE MAN IN THIS TOURNAMENT CAN CONQUER MAGNUS DESTRUCTO!!

IT IS MORE THAN SIZE AND STRENGTH THAT MAKES ME THE GREATEST AND MOST FEARED FORCE IN NEXT LEVEL WRESTLING!! WHAT I HAVE THAT NO OTHER MAN HAS IS THE KILLER INSTINCT!! MY DESIRE TO HURT, MAIM, AND REAP THE LIFE FROM MY VICTIMS IS WHAT SETS ME APART FROM A SIMPLE AND WEAK MAN, AND DEFINES ME FOR WHAT I TRULY AM!!

A MONSTER!! THE KING OF ALL MONSTERS!!

The Media Baron
Well... you obviously seem very confident going into Friday Night Vulgar. I'm quite certain your opponents -- and no doubt, many of the competitors who will be competing in the Golden Child Grand Prix -- will be keeping an eye out for you and what horrors your may bring with you to the ring.

Magnus Destructo
AS WELL THEY SHOULD!! ANY MAN AUDACIOUS ENOUGH TO CALL HIMSELF THE BEST BY BECOMING THE NLW OPEN WEIGHT CHAMPION BETTER HAVE THE BRUTAL NATURE TO BACK IT UP!! AND I AM THE BARON OF BRUTALITY!!

COME FRIDAY NIGHT VULGAR... YOU WILL SEE MORE THAN JUST A KING OF MONSTERS!! YOU WILL SEE A MONSTROUS GOD... ANGRY, BLOODTHIRSTY, AND BENT ON DESTROYING ALL THOSE THAT DO NOT WORSHIP IT WITHOUT QUESTION!!

MAN AND MONSTER ALIKE... NOTHING CAN ESCAPE THE ALL-CONSUMING MAW OF THE DREADED DEVOURER!!

HA!! HA HA!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!

(Throwing his head back, Magnus Destructo lets out BOOMING evil laughter! The Media Baron, noticeably uncomfortable, inches his way out of the frame.)

The Media Baron
Well, uh... thanks for your time, Destructo. I'll just, uh... see my own way out.

(The Media Baron scampers off at a dead run... unnoticed by the continuously laughing Magnus Destructo. "Conquer All" by Behemoth cues up on the soundtrack as the scene fades to black, lingering on the dark and heartless laughing of the Baron of Brutality.)
 

TSiegel

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CUTTO: Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, Los Angeles, California.

Walking back and forth down the hallways of the Hospital are nurses, doctors, and guards. Nurses are dressed in typical uniforms, Doctors are dressed in grey suits and ties; and guards are either in grey uniforms with black ties or in white pants, white shirts and a white belt.

But let's not forget a matching night stick and handcuffs, hell, let's just put it this way:

It's just about the same look and/or feel as the hallways used for the film "Terminator 2: Judgement Day".

CUTTO: the front of an Office door that reads "Dr. Alan Sanders", as from behind the door we can hear the obvious noises of of a man getting more than his "Paperwork" done, but taking a break nonetheless.

Even saying acouple of prayers in the process.

The cameraman knocks on the door as suddenly shuffling around occurs as the man muffles words equating to a minute or two before entering. The camera guy pauses in front of the door as requested and then pushes the door open from behind the camera as the Doctor straightens his tie abit and his receptionist stands up from behind the desk, straighten down her skirt and flips her hair back as she turns to head over to a nearby desk with a clipboard and pen and sits down, taking a moment to twist her Auburn hair in a bun before taking a thumb and "wiping her mouth".

DrAS: Please come in...come in. How may I help you??

The cameraman moves forward and from behind the camera, the same hand that opened the door to the office protrudes a brown folder with the letters "NLW" in red, stamped across the front.

DrAS: What the devil is this??

The receptionist gets up and 'click-clacks' her heels back over to the Doctor as she leans over, her brown leather top right next to his ear as her cleavage shows just enough to keep things PG-13 as she whispers what the folder would read. Flipping open the folder, his eyes light up as the headline at the top reads 2010 KING OF ALL MONSTERS GP .

Dr.AS: Ah yes.....I remember now....NLW....in the Hammerstein Ballroom eh??? Who's involved???

The receptionist again steps over and flips the page and then saunters back down.

Dr.AS (in a sudden gruff voice): Yes, well that's just where I was going to look next.....let's see here....Magnus Destructo...sounds like a Swedish weightlifterl....Vic Gravender....pretty much a paranoid Mailman...Duke Mackey....anyone else think that he sounds like a cartoon??

The Receptionist starts to comply but the Doctor holds up a hand and the receptionist stops short, going back to her clipboard.

Dr.AS: I didn't hire you for your imput, Lori....stay there.....atta-girl.....Yutaka Maeda....well now that just sounds like a bad Car Model...Zesty Mordant...always wondered what that Gree Zombie-bastard from the "Thriller" video would have for a name.....Dane Lauritsen....isn't that guy supposed to be doing Stand-up instead of wrestling....Hans Nowack...now that's just another Austrian Actor isn't it??

Doctor Sanders sets the folder down and clasps his hands together and rubs them together ala Mr. Miyagi.

Dr.AS: Good thing I entered Rory Henderson into that tournament....with the amount of blind hatred combining with his strength....we....hell, who am I kidding....I I'm gonna be RIIIIIICHHHH BEEEEIIIIIIIIIITTTTCCCHHH!!!

CUTTO: A Padded room with sickening screams coming from it.

Yes....this was definitely going to be something new.

FADEOUT
 
Last edited:

Seth

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(CUT-TO: The darkened corridors of some ratty old basement. The only thing that can be heard aside from some old kicking in the aged vents of the dilapidated building was that of labored breathing. A hand can be made out among the darkness. The individual wrapping his fist with athletic tape. After he finishes tearing it off, he cuts the excess tape away and throws it over his shoulder. Looking up and almost right through the camera lens, we can see the form of “The Watertown Wrecking Ball” Vic Gravender with a steady, unnerved smile.)

VIC GRAVENDER: For Magnus Destructo, Rory Henderson, and the rest of my fellow monsters… I want all of you to take a look at me right f*cking now. I want to show all three of you just what the actual word “commitment” is. And I don’t mean the Godd*mn Webster’s Dictionary definition as committing to a particular charge or trust. No, sirs, that sh*t is for nerds.

(Vic shakes his head, using his taped hand to wipe a couple beads of sweat trickling down his face.)

VIC GRAVENDER: The commitment I speak of is one that relies on preparing the heart, the mind and the soul for the upcoming road ahead. The kind of commitment that doesn’t let you stop, no matter how much your muscles burn, no matter how much your lungs feel like you’re trying to breathe underwater, no matter how much that little annoying Jiminy Cricket f*ck in the back of your head says “for the love of God, stop!” Ol’ Vic’s got it in spades. The commitment to bust on out and move his fat ass in not one, but THREE matches in order to earn my spot at Eye for an Eye.

(Almost as if he’s expecting some kind of witty retort, he raises a finger to shush the guilty party.)

Vic GRAVENDER: Oh… you… don’t believe me, huh? That’s fine, that’s fine. A lot of people can say they’re gonna do something. That’s what our society is founded on. But, friends… I show you what commitment REALLY is!

(Staring avidly at a stopwatch in his right hand, Vic shows the camera the time… Fifty-two minutes and some change. He nods for the cameraman to move over to his right. As it heads that direction, it catches sight of a table. And on that table? What can only be described as FAT MAN HEAVEN!

McDonald’s Chicken Nuggets, Big Macs, Whoppers, Chocolate Donuts, candy, junk food… a Godd*mn smorgasbord of mouth-watering, artery-clogging greatness fit only for a king… or for the purposes of this promo… a monster, if you will. The table is covered with it. And yes, we can’t forget the booze. Sweet, sweet, grain alcohol. Back to Vic, still sweating. Even more profusely, as if a crack addict looking to get his next fix.)

VIC GRAVENDER: I have gone THIS long without touching either the food or the booze! Nope. Not. A. Crumb. I’ve decided to show the world that I’m a little more than your average big-ass motherf*cker with an appetite for food and the destruction of my enemies. You people don’t fathom exactly what the hell that it is I’m giving up here! The food! It’s amazing! A big, satisfying flavor, tickling each and every one of the senses! And the booze to accompany it! It tastes great! It makes women on the lower end of the Hot-or-Not Spectrum look great! It instills in me the courage to do things that Nora Roberts wouldn’t dare try…

(CUT-TO: Flashback of Vic Gravender caving in his couth, five sheets to the wind and a collection of empty liquor bottles and six Cheetos bags at his feet. With bloodshot eyes plastered onto a flickering idiot box, a soft, womanly voice erupts from the TV speakers.

ANNOUNCER: And now, back to “Life, Unexpected” right here on the CW!

(Vic throws an empty bottle at the television, his boisterous laughter echoing through the halls.)

VIC GRAVENDER: AHAHA! Oh, God, it’s funny because she’s snarky like Juno! Ahahaha!

(CUT-TO: Present Day with Vic Gravender, reaching out for another drop. But he stops himself just short of grabbing one of those mouth-watering delectable formerly frozen burger patties called Whoppers.)

VIC GRAVENDER: And did I mention that booze makes me virtually invulnerable to criticism… f*ck you all, we all have your guilty shows. But oh, to the pressing matter at hand… come Friday Night Vulgar, I’m going to have a great time proving to the rest of you f*cks why I am YOUR King of All Monsters!

(Vic glances at his stopwatch, now at fifty-five minutes. He smirks… shakes just a little bit... but thankfully, still with us.)

VIC GRAVENDER: Rory “Hendo” Henderson… you make your debut this week in the King of All Monsters Grand Prix, but you, sir, hardly tip the scales as a monster. Weight entry is 265 and according to some stats, you’re just a couple pounds north of that. And the best sh*t-talk anybody over there can muster is paranoid mailman?! Let me put it to you like this: you’re not going to out-monster ANYBODY and dude, you’re locked up in the right f*cking place if you think you’re actually going to pose a threat to anybody. Sorry, Hannibal, Jr., maybe you can go compete in next year’s King of All Posers GP. THEN the rest of us won’t have a chance in hell!

Yutaka Maeda made an AWESOME splash on the last Friday Night Vulgar… by losing. The f*ck happened there, Kobashi-san? I thought all of you guys had that fighting spirit sh*t that lets you get dumped on your head like, eight thousand times before you even flinched? No? Wrong? You sucky-sucky five darror? Figured as much. I straight-out F*CKED the other guy up so bad in my debut match, ain’t nobody seen him since. THAT is what a monster does, friend.

Zesty Mordant, my friend! Put up a very great and spirited fight… and crapped out worse than a Kevin Federline album. Now, granted, Impulse is like, megahot sh*t in other places, but you also need to give up your mantle as a monster. YOU LOST TO A MAN ALMOST HALF YOUR SIZE! You, sir, don’t deserve to even set foot in this tournament, but should you draw me in the first round, I’ll be more than happy to mess your homeless ass up and send you back to whatever dumpster you crawled up from.

(Looking at his stopwatch, the sweats are coming on, but we’re almost there… Fifty-seven and a half minutes, b*tches!)

VIC GRAVENDER: I’m gonna make it! Unlike that “Dangerous” Douche Mackey guy. Who’ll stop and swoon at the sight of large breasts. I’m six-foot three and four-hundred and fifty pounds. They don’t get any bigger than my e-cups, dude. It’s funny, too, that your former profession was as a bouncer because I’ll be happy to bounce your stupid-ass right on the f*ck out of the Hammerstein Ballroom with the rest of the trash… damn it, I should’ve made a Zesty Mordant joke here and not used him already. Oh, well.

(He shrugs to himself, then back to his stopwatch. Fifty-eight minutes! He reaches for a burger, then pulls the hand away. You can do it, big guy!)

VIC GRAVENDER: And names like Hans Nowack and Dane Lauritsen are gonna be two guys who hope to not be ignored through the courseF*CK YOU, TOO, MAGNUS DESTRUCTO! You may have already painted this perfect picture of you walking right into this tournament and coming out the other side as the first-ever NLW Open Weight Champion, but I don’t plan on keeling over like Johnson and Maeda did. And it’s going to be pretty f*cking hard to disembowel me when I’ve squashed your ass underneath the weight of my awesome… and fat. But mostly awesome.

Your retarded KISS Demon-looking ass will be ground up like a burger patty… oh, so sweet, delicious burger patty… just sitting there, taunting me with all of its perfect cornucopia of flavors… NO! I will hang on! I will show commitment! I will show that I have what it takes to commit to winning the King of All Monsters! I’m hungrier than you, Magnus, and I want it more than you… but seriously, I’m f*cking hungry now…

(BEEP BEEP BEEP! TIME IS UP! EXACTLY ONE HOUR WITH NO FOOD! A PROUD DAY FOR YOUR FIRST-EVER KING OF ALL MONSTERS.)

VIC GRAVENDER: That’s commitment, b*tches!

(FADE OUT to the gross sounds of snacking on quarter-pounders and washing that filth down with all kinds of Bud Light…

What? He’s gotta watch his wrestling figure. That sh*t’s empty calories, you know.)
 

PurpleBlueberry

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"I'm talking to all the other wrestler dicks"

(Corey Trevor, 6'3" 145lbs sopping wet, leans against an outdoor storage facility with a 40oz bottle of Iceman malt liquor in hand.)

CT: Yeah, you could say that, sure. He was definitely upset after losing the match, I think cos it had took so long that he lost most of his buzz too. And thats two of his birds being killed with like a stone right there so he just had to let his frustrations out.

(A pause as Corey Trevor perhaps mulls over the whirlwind that has been the last several days)

CT: Yeah, he's definitely let out a lot of frustrations. You know that movie Footloose, where Kevin Bacon just wants to dance and he like wants the town to dance and John Lithgow is all, "NO! No one will be dancing in my town because I really like God." Right? And Kevin Bacon gets upset and frustrated and he ends up dancing out all his emotions. You remember, right? That's really what Zesty has been doing, except he's focusing more on drinking and smoking than on dancing directly.

(Corey scratches an already torn and reddened mosquito bite on his arm for a good 45 seconds of silence-save-for-scratching)

CT: Or that Billy Elliot kid in that ballet movie. Footloose or Billy Elliot, that's what Zesty has been doing. Sometimes he'll masturbate out the window, too. That's when I'd take a swig of his-

Zesty (off camera): Aaaarrgh, Corey! C'mere!

(The camera whips around to find Zesty Mordant sitting up in the backseat of his Mercedes. His JOhn-Holmes-thick glasses dangle off his face and hang desperately from his left ear, 3 of the 9 buttons of his shirt have remained buttoned through the night and in his right hand is the ever present rum and coke. He's fighting off a 3 day hangover, an 11 o'clock shadow and some real sassy bedhead.)

CT: Oh, Sh*t, there he is. Ok, you can start recording now. Ready? Hi, I'm Corey Tr-

Zesty: Trevor! Gadamat, get your ass over here with some smokes! Git!

(He lets out an enormous belch and falls back over, asleep.)

CT: I'm gonna hurry up and smoke my last few smokes before he wakes up for for real.

(CUTTO: Zesty's stolen Mercedes, a few hours later.

Zesty sits on the trunk with Corey Trevor sitting in the backseat. CT has his head craned out the window, facing the camera, trying his damnedest to be part of the interview.)

Zesty: So long story short, we just knew we had to get outta there when we heard the sirens.

CT: Yeah, I woke Zesty up the first second I heard 'em.

Zesty: Shut up, Trevor. The first second? You're so stupid, I think your dad was a stupidisauraus and he raped a giant chicken and you’re the f&ckchicken result.


(He puts the finishing touches on a blunt he'd been working on)


Zesty: Living in a car is pretty awesome. It's kinda close to nearly awesome anyway, and it's definitely not awful. We're renting a storage facility in Hoboken so there's way more room for belongings and our goods and stuffings, our sides I guess. It's not all potatoes and gravy, it can get a little cramped in here especially with a roommate.

CT: Yeah, but Zesty has his room and I have mine.

(CUTTO: An hour or so earlier. Same location, but the trunk is open and Corey is crawling inside and positioning himself so that his legs hang out of the trunk and his ass is planted fimly inside. Zesty hands him a gun.)

Zesty: There you go, bud. Now shoot yourself however many breaths holes you want. Well, not however many you want, four. But put 'em wherever you want.

(A shot rings out, Corey somehow missing the trunk despite being inches away.)

Zesty: Christ in a gangbang, Trevor! Put the gadam gun right on the trunk and put some damn holes in it for your breaths!

(CUTTO: Back to real time, Zesty continues...)

Zesty: Yeah, I gave Corey the private suite. We can put a tv right up on the hood and watch the Family Feud, I do most of my cooking right on the hood or the roof for that matter, it's a nice set up going on here. The squirrels can sure be some real dicks though.

CT: The squirrels? Yeah, I hear em scratching on my roof all the time. I think one pissed on me last night.

zesty: Yeah? Haha, maybe those fat-f&ck-tailed dicks aren't all bad. Now listen up!

CT: Yeah, Zesty?

Zesty: Not you, assfarmer. I'm talking to all the other wrestler dicks. If you think sleepin in a car is gonna make me a worse wrestler, then you're wrong. I'm used to sleepin in cars. A person's back is almost 40% cartridges.

CT: Cartilage?

Zesty: thats what I said, almost 40% cartridges and those sh*ts are bendable and they adhere to how you sleep. Its like those memory foam beds. You're back is 40% memory foam, that's what those beds are, theyre made out of backs. Or antificial backs, pretty sure Nasa (pronounced nay-sah) makes them.

(He lights another smoke.)

Zesty: So that's why I'm a better wrestler when I'm sleepin in a car. I get back to my roots too. I've been sleepin in cars for ten years. First time I got laid that wasn't in the bathroom of a fast food restaurant was in a car. First deer I ever killed was with a car, hell both deers I've killed were with a car but one was an accident. Anyway, me and cars are like gin and tonic and now that I'm back to my proper living comodities all the big fat f&cks in NLW better watch their assh#les cuz I'm planning a great big bad bawdy f&ckfest this Friday.

CT: That sounds tiring, Zesty.

Zesty: Shut up, Corey, you're out of your element! Two smokes, now! For bein' stupid.

(CT jumps out of the car and hands Zesty his last two cigarettes.)

Zesty: I don't care who I get first, I just care that I get 3 suckers to pound on. I didn't much care for last week, did I Corey?

CT: I don't suppose so, Zesty. Though you did really like that pepperoni you got from that convenience store that smelled funny.

Zesty: What? I mean with the wrestling stuff...but damn, that was some good pepperoni, yeah. Camera Mook, you go forth and you tell it on the moutaintops that Zesty gadam Mordant cares not foreth whoever the f#ck I get to wrestle on Friday. I got nothin against that hairy ape thing with the big voice who always shouts, and I got nothin against that real fat one, DIck Grabbintheirs there. That Jap fella looks familiar, too, I gotta ask him if he ever did time in Moncton. See, you nasty fat monsters might be little beauties inside with your feelings and good time havin' capablities, I don't know, but I do know that I don't care. I'm coming down to the Hammerstein Ballroom and I have got frustrations still kickin aboot so I do believe that I got plenty of dancing to do and I expect to have three very unlucky partners.

(He plops down off the trunk, the camera gets a good shot of the half dozen bullet/breathing holes. One of which Zesty has been using as an ashtray throughout his speech.)

Zesty: I dunno about kinging of monsters or grand pricks or what in the hell an Obama is but I do know what I know and I did say what I said and you can make my words, I'm getting drunk as f#ck and I am gonna hurt some people this Friday. That's all there is to it, boys.

(FADE OUT)

(Black screen)

Zesty: Trevor, what’d I do with my gun?
 

TSiegel

I spoil things.
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Re: "I'm talking to all the other wrestler dicks"

CUTTO: Doctor Sanders' Office, in Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, Los Angeles, California.

It's quiet.

Very quiet as Doctor Alan Sanders' office is seen completely empty, the only sound in the room being the tick-tock of a clock on the wall in the room.

Suddenly a blood-curdling scream (much like the Kurrgan makes after a dose of the quickening takes him down through the stone stairway after killing Ramirez) comes from behind the pleather couch in the room and suddenly a very NUDE receptionist is thrust into the air, screaming as well as she hits the wall and slumps down. Coming to a stop...a smile slowly creeps across her face as the doctor reaches for his pants quickly and gets to his feet, combing his hair. Noticing the camera in the room, the Doctor straightens himself quickly and clears his throat as the receptionist runs out of view for her clothes.

Dr.AS: Ah yes....you again.

I suppose it would be decent to check the mail, no??

A cell phone rings at his desk and he quickly snatches it up as he ducks down below the desk out of view.

Dr. AS: Sanders, Go.....yes....Lori...I know they're on the tapes that I watched an hour ago.....uh-huh....uh-huh....probably because they have the NLW label on it....about two hours ago.....yes....I know because I was there....okay....don't forget your panties....

The doctors slaps shut his phone and tosses it back on the desk as he looks back up and smiles.

Dr.AS: Before I was rudely interrupted, seems that I ruffled some feathers already, hmm?? And not only that but it didn't take long either, I must say.

Vic Slackenloader was it??

"Lori" the receptionist saunters back into the room wearing a black skirt and a white tank top with a sparkling necklace that could light up a dark room. Smoking a cigarette, she saunters over to the Doctor as she bends down again, whispering something into his ear.

Dr. AS: Seriously, Lori....does it really matter?? Does it???

Lori stands up straight and stands there motionless, unsure of what to say. Finally she turns and returns to her desk, taking a drag off her cigarette in the meantime.

Dr. AS: As I was saying....Victor....allow me to first off apologize. It's not of my nature to get people's names wrong when there's a misunderstanding.

Actually, who am I kidding....yeah....yeah it is.

The fact is, Victor...I really don't care what your name is muchless what you do but the fact is that if I see a name like yours on a paper then I WILL consider you a paranoid mailman because I've seen plenty of patients like you work a route in United States Postal Service and then at some point go POSTAL...that's right I said it....and end up somewhere where they won't be able to hurt any innocent bystanders.

'Course this is with the understanding that you actually think that I am going to step into the ring with you neanderthals, then lemme tell you right now....you sir...are not only mistaken...

Quite frankly it's PATHETIC.

You see, I would never step into the ring with the likes of you nasty-and-rotten cockroaches if I was even doubled my salary here....

The Doctor smiles slyly.

Dr. As: But Mister Henderson would.

That's what you need to worry about sir, two-hundred-and-sixty-eight-pounds of PURE BLINDING VIOLENCE....otherwise if you need to see me....

Then I suggest you make yourself an appointment....

LIKE.

EVERYONE.

ELSE.


Until then, please....enjoy your time....because once that bell rings...you're going to wish you WERE a paranoid mailman because the last thing you need is a man like Mister Henderson after you.

I say that Sir, because when he's finished with you...there isn't going to be one letter anyone is going to want to send you because unless I say so....when that final bell rings you'll be lucky that I even know Doctor James Andrews let-a-lone would I be gracious enough to recommend you.

Now that might be a tad unprofessional of me to say and to an extent you may be right.....

But as I said before....wait until Mister Henderson gets ahold of you, you'll see.

Now...if you'll excuse me....I've got some paperwork to do before I travel to New York and the Hammerstein Ballroom.

I suggest you start training....because believe you me....as unstable as "Hendo" is....

He's already preparing for you.

CUTTO: The same padded room from before. Muffled thuds are heard from the other side as a single voice can be heard...

VOICE: No....no....noooowooowowoowoooooooo.....NOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Three minutes pass before the same voice is heard again.

Yes.....YEEHEHEHEEESSSSS.....YEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS.......

Two more minutes pass.

Yes.

FADEOUT
 

PaulNJ21

I shunned a voodoo witch, decapitated a black cat
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KING OF ALL MONSTERS!

::Maeda is sitting in the bar and messenger comes to hand something to Mr. Maeda, Maeda tips the man hansomely and the messenger leaves::


::Maeda sets down his beer and opens up the letter::


MAEDA: Interesting, very interesting...


BOB: If you could find a place to drink that had a wireless connection, we wouldn't have to....


MAEDA: KING OF ALL MONSTERS? This is a match made for me, wait, what do these Americans wrestlers truly know about about a KAIJU battle?


BOB: What they have seen in some cheesy dubbed videos?


MAEDA: I'm tired of these Americans who hijack our culture for their own means, I will not allow one of them to STEAL the title of “King of All Monsters” even if I have to go on a rampage against all seven men all by myself.


BOB: Most of them are just glorified freaks like Magnus Destructo.


MAEDA: I don't go out to the ring dressed like I'm going as a demon to some Japanese festival to make myself appear scarier than I am, I don't go shooting out atomic breath at my opponents, even if the vodka on my breath would burn out my opponents eyes... but I am a more of a monster than any one of those guys are. I wake up every morning, I think about fighting, I eat, I think about fighting, I even think about fighting before I got to bed every night... I don't need to put on a show because I grew up around in that world in Osaka and had to do what was necessary to survive. I'm a fighter in every sense of the word and every fight that doesn't kill me, makes me better and stronger for my next battle. Yet here I am, trying to wrestle the title of “King of All Monsters” back from all these freaks including the minion of Evil Bob Newhart....


BOB: I loved the Bob Newhart Show, it may be my favorite show from the seventies. Thank god for NICK at Night and TV Land.


MAEDA: Do you know when I'm my happiest?


BOB: When you are drinking?


MAEDA: I'm at my happiest when I'm punishing people and I'm going to beat Rory so hard, Dr. Alan Sanders is going to feel it on the other end of the phone and then I'm going to go after Gravender and Mordant and I have some special planned for them.


BOB: It sounds like the loss to Magnus Destructo didn't break your spirit.


MAEDA: Do you know why the Americans had to drop the bombs on Nippon twice? Because the cowards knew they couldn't break our fighting spirit in a man on man battle. I'm going to the King of All Monsters and taking back what is ours, then I'm going to the PPV to take the gold so I won't have to waste precious time I could use to drink and kick peoples asses flying all over the world, because in order to get the title from me, they will have to come here to the bar to fight and I can finally combine to two favorite things, drinking and fighting. .


BOB: We are going to need a bigger bar.


FTB
 

Seth

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Re: KING OF ALL MONSTERS!

The following piece covers the events of Vic Gravender’s life that occurred over the last twenty-four hours. After going on a crazy, drunken, gorging food binge, he awakes in his bed with mere days to prepare. This is not a story about guns. This is not a story about drugs, violence, crazy ****, or any of those things. No. This is the story of one man’s journey to the top of a wrestling organization where the norm is crazy debauchery, excessive violence and a starting line-up of big mofos that make Dan Ryan look like Danny Bonaduce.

…Watch Vic’s meteoric rise to superstardom, brought to you via musical montage and Vic’s brother, Scott, adding in a clever narrative chock-full of ****-talk.

Because that’s what TRULY counts.

(CUT-TO: A dirty, GAWD-AWFUL bedroom floor. It’s got all kinds of stuff a dirty, GAWD-AWFUL generic bedroom floor would have. It’s probably got a bed and ****. There’s some sheets and a window. Yeah, a window. And the floors littered with empty beer cans and ****, too! And it’s an enormously dirty one! The camera finally pans over to a fat, dangling leg hanging of bed. And to capture the mood of this award-winning piece, let's have Olivia-Newton John and John Farnham drop a beat. Cue up "Dare To Dream.')

I am my own believer
In my heart the reason…”


(Sounding, an alarm clock annoying blares its horrid electronic shrieks, sunlight shines through the open holes in the blinds, nearly blinding the wounded warrior. Hey, look, kids! It’s your future winner of the King of All Monsters GP, “The Watertown Wrecking Ball” Vic Gravender! YAY!)


I will follow the light from within
I'm not afraid of weakness…”


(The camera zooms in on Vic’s puffy, red face, looking like the "AFTER" picture in a drug advertisement for alcohol abuse. Oh, noes! Wait! He can’t be suffering from a crazy hangover, he needs to wake up and do battle with the biggest band of homosexual monsters ever! Everyone from bondage freaks to big, fat, Japanese pedophiles! He’s forgotten all about why he’s in this situation in the first place!)

Oh I will see it through
I believe this is my moment of truth…”


(But can you blame Vic? When one of your enemies’ great witty barbs is that you’re a big mailman, how could he be possibly be threatened? Seriously, it’s like getting threatened by a retarded Muppet Baby. You really feel sorry for him, but you know you’re gonna have to put them out of their misery. Not letting such things concern him, The Watertown Wrecking Ball tries to shake off the effects of the nasty hangover he’s been afflicted with.)

I'm gonna taste the sweetness
Of the power not to give in…”


(See, guys like Hans Nowack, Dane Lauritsen and Rory Henderson all debut in the tournament with dreams of their own, but Vic’s already been established as a bad-ass. Two shows in and he’s already run somebody out of NLW after kicking his ass in record time! And even now… when he’s shot to ****, Vic can still beat the f*ck out of them like they owe him cash. But that’s days away. In the meantime, our big, fat hero shows us tenacity by climbing up in a drunken haze, still managing to tighten the blinds! Assert your dominance over the Godforsaken drapery, Vic!)

Oh I will see it through
I believe this is my moment of truth…”

(Yup… Allllllll this filth and garbage he lives in and Vic Gravender can still kick ass and talk better **** than you. Say something witty to nice folks watching this video, Vic.)

VIC GRAVENDER: Magnus… Mordant… you’re a couple of f*cktards!

(See? Look at that sh*t! And that was all him! He doesn’t have sperm waste receptacles like Gollomach and Corey Trevor following him around all day to get over! Who does that? Not Vic Gravender, that’s who! But… oh, God, what’s this? Oh, no… no… NO! Last nights beer-battered chicken and hour-old hamburgers are wanting to come out in reverse! To the bathroom, post-haste!)

Dare to dream
Dare to fly…”


(Oh, snap! Vic trips and hits the floor faster than Zesty Mordant’s pants during Happy Hour! The restroom is mere feet away, but he can feel the acidic taste of vomit creeping up his gullet! Oh, the humanity!

Inch by inch…

Scraping the floor with all he’s got in him!)

Dare to be the heir the chosen one to touch the sky

(WHAT’S THIS? OH, GOD! IT’S LIKE A SICK, NASTY GOO JUST RESTING IN THE BACK OF HIS THROAT! HE CAN’T DECIDE TO JUST SWALLOW IT BACK DOWN OR JUST SPIT IT OUT! YOU KNOW, LIKE THE TYPICAL DAY IN THE LIFE OF DUKE MACKEY!)

Dare to reach
Dare to rise…”


(With eyes wide and newfound determination empowering him, Vic pushes himself up! Yes! Look at that brave soul making it to his feet! He stumbles…

Stumbles…

YES!

A VERTICAL BASE HAS BEEN FOUND!)

Find the strength to set my spirit free
Dare to dream…”


(Look at this music just motivating him! Guiding each and every step!! He’s…)

CRACK!

VIC GRAVENDER: OW, F*CKER!

(Oh, sh*t! He hit the bathroom door! His knee just collided with the bathroom door in that funny bone-ish area! That’s the worst! But what the…? What’s this? Vic grabs a dirty shirt off the floor! Yes, he’s using it as a makeshift tourniquet on his bum knee! That’s a great original idea! Unlike Yutaka Maeda, who fits every stupid Japanese wrestler stereotype in the book! The last time he had an original thought in that Saito Suplex-addled brain, it died of lonliness!)

I will go the distance
Embrace resistance…”


(He can almost feel it creeping up…)

I will lay my soul on the line
When the wait is over…”


(He’s almost there…)

And the hunger has spoken
If I give my all,I will shine…”


(Just when he think he can’t make it…)

Oh I will see it through
I believe, this is my moment of truth…”


(HE MADE IT! HE’S KNEELING AT THE FOOT OF THE PORCELAIN TEMPLE… HE’S THERE, ALL RIGHT! HE’S… oh, ****, here comes an offering…)

BWWWWWWWWWWWWAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Dare to dream
Dare to fly
Dare to be the hier the chosen one to touch the sky…”


(He made it! Through all of the struggle, the heartache, and the nasty surprise he would eventually leave for housekeeping all over their bathroom, he’s made it! And that shows HEART! SOMETHING YOU NEED TO WIN THREE MATCHES IN ONE NIGHT! Sitting against the door, he smiles.)

Why?

Because training’s for fags. Real men are just badasses!)


“Dare to reach
Dare to rise---


He’ll be walking into The Hammerstein Ballroom with a hangover…

…And coming out a winner... also with a hangover...)


“Find the strength to set my spirit free!”

(fadeout)
 

RStrawsma

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Re: KING OF ALL MONSTERS!

(CUE UP: Creepy dungeon music. As the previous promo comes to its end, the last remaining bit of film reel can be seen passing through the frame. The camera zooms out slightly, to reveal the white box being projected onto the Wallscreen of Flesh in Magnus Destructo's Keep of Eternal Darkness.)

Magnus Destructo
HAH HAH... THE PATHETIC WRETCHES!!

(The projector cuts off as the camera turns around to face the BARON OF BRUTALITY seated upon his macabre throne of horns and spikes. His concubine of screeching terror, DOMINATRA BOZOTH, sits on the arm of the elaborate seat of horrors, legs draped across the lap of her bloodthirsty master. The two of them bear the smirks you'd only see in serial murderers as their predator eyes burrow into the camera.)

Magnus Destructo
IT WAS STRANGE HOW THIS ALL BEGAN SO QUIETLY...

...UNTIL THIS MONSTER ROARED!! NOW, EVERY MAN IN THIS TOURNAMENT SEEMS INTENT ON LETTING OUT HIS LAST VAIN SIGH OF LIFE BEFORE I STRANGLE HIM TO DEATH... LIKE A PIG, SQUEALING STUPIDLY AS IT'S BEING DRAGGED OFF TO THE SLAUGHTER!! TOO BAD THEIR PLEAS FOR MERCY AND FORGIVENESS FALL UPON THE DEAF EARS OF INEVITABLE DOOM!!!

Dominatra Bozoth
I cannot WAIT to witness you rend these liars and frauds from LIMB to LIMB, my master! All of them are simply HIDEOUS to even look at! Why is it that almost EVERYBODY in Next Level Wrestling is either FAT... ALCOHOLIC... HOMELESS... or some combination of those? Must EVERYONE here rip off that putrid Joe The Plumber?!

Magnus Destructo
HAH... LET THEM!! THE GREAT THING ABOUT MURDERING THE BUMS IN THIS WORLD IS THAT NOBODY GIVES A FUCK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS TO THEM!! THEY'RE LIKE WALKING, TALKING MURDER-BAGS!!

(Destructo gently pushes the legs of his S&M queen off his lap and rises to his feet, stepping forward so the camera can get a good, complete look at professional wrestling's Dreaded Devourer.)

Magnus Destructo
IN TWO SHOWS, I HAVE GIVEN THE HAMMERSTEIN BALLROOM A NEW NAME!! THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE COME AND PRAISED MY MURDEROUS WAYS KNOW IT NOW AS THE HAMMERSTEIN ABBATOIR!!

I AM ITS BUTCHER... AND WITH THE AMOUNT OF FAT, FILTH-COVERED SWINE COMING TO FRIDAY NIGHT VULGARITY, I FEEL LIKE A KID-EATING OGRE IN A CANDY STORE... FULL OF KIDS!! THOSE IN THE FRONT ROW MIGHT EVEN HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY TO TAKE HOME A PIECE OF VIC GRAVENDER'S LARD AS I STRIP IT BIT BY BIT FROM HIS BLOATED CORPSE ON THE RINGSIDE FLOOR!!

(Destructo boldly strides over to where Random Victim #73 is currently chained to the wall. smiling with sinister delight, his eyes go back to the camera.)

Magnus Destructo
YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT "COMMITMENT", VIC GRAVENDER?! HA!! DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH!! IF YOU COULD EVEN COMMIT YOURSELF TO AN HOUR ON THE TREADMILL EVERY DAY, NOBODY WOULD HAVE TO LOOK AT YOUR DISGUSTINGLY CORPULENT ASS EVERY TIME YOU CRAWL OUT OF YOUR JANITOR'S CLOSET STINKING OF SCOTCH AND URINE!!

I COMMIT MYSELF TO ONE THING AND ONE THING ONLY... AND THAT IS COMPLETELY DESTROYING ANYTHING AND ANYONE THAT GETS IN MY WAY!! THUS FAR, I HAVE DONE JUST THAT... NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT!!

BUT YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO TELL ME TO FUCK OFF WHILE BRAGGING ABOUT HOW YOUR OPPONENT RAN OFF AFTER YOUR ONE MATCH?! PAH...

DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FIRST OPPONENT??

Random Victim #73
Uhh... if I guess right, will you let me go?

Magnus Destructo
I ATE THAT MOTHERFUCKER!!!

(With a ROAR, Magnus Destructo's battering-ram like fist shoots forward and blasts Random Victim #73's face, causing his whole head to EXPLODE!!)

Magnus Destructo
THAT'S RIGHT... AFTER VULGARITY ONE, I FOUND "NORMAL" JOHN JOHNSON IN THE BACK, AND PROCEEDED TO CANNIBALIZE HIM ON THE SPOT... FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN HE WAS WEAK, AND THOUGHT HIS PATHETIC HEART WOULD SAVE HIM FROM THE WRATH OF MAGNUS DESTRUCTO!!

HIS HEART WAS DELICIOUS... AND I'M SURE YOUR'S WILL BE AS WELL, GRAVENDER, ONCE I CLEAR ALL THE FAT OUT OF IT!!

(The Dreaded Devourer strolls down to Random Victim #76. Numbers 74 and 75 only work on the weekends.)

Magnus Destructo
YOU, WORM... WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT RORY HENDERSON?!

Random Victim #76
...um, nothing?

Magnus Destructo
HAH!! I WAS ABOUT TO SAY THE EXACT SAME THING!!

FIRST OF ALL, THAT GUY'S PARENTS MUST HAVE REALLY HATED HIM TO GIVE HIM A NAME LIKE "RORY!" ISN'T THAT THE NAME OF MACAULAY CULKIN'S BROTHER?! IT'S A NAME SO HORRIBLE, THEY CALL HIM BY A SHORTENED FORM OF HIS LAST NAME!!

Random Victim #76
Well hey, sorry if I'm crossing the line here, but... who are you criticize with a first name like "Magnus?"

(Enraged by this audacious act of speaking out of turn, the Baron of Brutality RIPS OFF Random Victim #76's legs and BLUDGEONS HIM TO DEATH with them!!)

Magnus Destructo
OBNOXIOUS FOOL!! MAGNUS IS THE NAME OF KINGS!!

AND MAGNETO, FROM THE X-MEN MOVIE!!

(When the victim chained to the wall is nothing more than a bleeding and brutalized mess, Destructo tosses his legs to the side and turns back to the camera.)

Magnus Destructo
APPARENTLY, THIS "HENDO" IS INSANE... I'M NOT SURE THOUGH, BECAUSE INSTEAD OF HAVING A CHANCE TO SEE THIS CHICKENSHIT FOOL, I'M WATCHING HIS DOCTOR BANG THE SECRETARY!! EVEN SO... I DON'T BUY IT!!

THERE IS ONLY ONE MUDEROUS MANIAC IN NEXT LEVEL WRESTLING, AND IT'S ME!! UNLIKE "HENDO"... I'M NOT BOUND TO SOME CELL IN AN ASYLUM, WITH SOME PATHETIC DOCTOR WITH A HARD ON FOR HIS RECEPTIONIST SPEAKING FOR ME!! THIS MANIAC IS RUNNING WILD AND WREAKING HAVOC ON EVERYTHING HE SEES!!

(Overcome with the bloodthirsty sensation to destroy something, Destructo CHARGES over to Random Victim #81, tears him off the wall with enough force to rip his TORSO completely clear of the arms, and sends the screaming fool to his demise by tossing him into a pit of flaming spikes!!)

Random Victim #81
GAAAAAHHHH!!! I DIDN'T EVEN GET ASKED A QUESTION!!! AAAHHH-AAAAHHHHH!!!

(With a smug sneer spread across his face, Magnus Destructo's fire-filled eyes turn from the smoldering corpse into the back and go back onto the camera.)

Magnus Destructo
I DON'T NEED ANYMORE ADVICE ON THE HOMELESS BLUE BASTARD WALKING INTO THIS BLOODBATH!! I ALREADY KNOW WHERE HE STANDS...

ZESTY MORDANT... YOU'RE A DRUNK, WORTHLESS, AND STUPID BASTARD LIVING OUT OF THE BACK OF A CAR!! WHAT MORE NEEDS TO BE SAID ABOUT YOU, REALLY?! I'M TWICE THE SIZE OF THE MAN THAT BEAT YOU LAST WEEK... AND TWICE MORE DANGEROUS!!

IF YOU MAKE IT FAR ENOUGH IN THE KING OF ALL MONSTERS GRAND PRIX THAT YOU CROSS PATHS WITH THE BARON OF BRUTALITY... THEN SO HELP ME BEELZEBUB, I WILL RIP OFF YOUR FACE, AND MAKE A HOBO SKILLET OUT OF IT!!

(Huffing and puffing, Destructo returns to his throne, where Bozoth stands in silent admiration of the screaming hulk pacing around this chamber of horrors.)

Magnus Destructo
AND AS FOR YOU, YUTAKA MAEDA... APPARENTLY, THE FIRST BRUTAL ENCOUNTER WITH THE BARON OF BRUTALITY WASN'T ENOUGH TO CONVINCE YOU OF MY DOMINANCE OVER NEXT LEVEL WRESTLING!! YOU WERE ABLE TO WALK OUT OF THAT RING WITH YOUR LIFE, BUT MENTAL SCARS THAT WOULD FOREVER HAUNT YOU!!

YOU JUST DON'T GET IT... FOR ALL YOUR TALK ABOUT BEING A "REAL MAN" THAT THINKS OF NOTHING BUT FIGHTING, YOU FAIL TO GRASP THE NOTION THAT I'M A REAL MONSTER THAT THINKS LIKE THE FIRST THREE SLAYER ALBUMS PLAYED ALL AT ONCE!!

PRAY TO YOUR WEAK GOD YOU CALL THE BOTTLE THAT SOMEBODY ELIMINATES YOU FROM THIS TOURNAMENT BEFORE YOU GET THE CHANCE TO MEET ME IN THE RING AGAIN!! THIS TIME, MAEDA... I MAY NOT BE FEELING SO MERCIFUL!! IF I SEE YOU AGAIN, I WILL RIP OFF YOUR BITCH-TITS WITH MY BARE HANDS, AND BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH THEM!!

HAH HAH HAH HAH!!!

Dominatra Bozoth
HAHAHAHA!!! Soon, my glorious master... you will MURDER these pathetic twits who think they can withstand your DESTRUCTIVE WRATH!! And then... you will be the KING of ALL MONSTERS!!

Magnus Destructo
ALL MONSTERS?! PFAH!! THERE IS ONLY ONE MONSTER IN NEXT LEVEL WRESTLING, AND IT'S NAME IS MAGNUS DESTRUCTO!! THE OTHER FOOLS IN THIS TOURNAMENT ARE ALL THE SAME... FAT AND MISERABLE WEAKLINGS WITH NO SHAME THINKING THEY'RE SPECIAL FLOWERS GROWING IN PILES OF GARBAGE!!

FRIDAY NIGHT... THE GARBAGE ENTERS THE INCINERATING MAW OF THE DREADED DEVOURER!!

HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH!!

Dominatra Bozoth
HAHAHAHAHA!!!

(With the two of them cackling on like mad scientists, the camera fades to black.)
 

PurpleBlueberry

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(Zesty, looking particularly dapper in a clean pair of black track pants, his magic-eye looking shirt and a denim Helix jacket, stands retaping his hockey stick.

With his left leg raised and bent at the knee, he resembles a Captain Morgan advertisement as he rests the stick against his chest and takes a good long pull from his partner in the crime, the rum and coke. )

Zesty: I don’t give a rat’s pickled pecker about goals or ice time, I’m telling you Semenko’s the greatest goon of all historical timelines. Anyone who says otherwise can eat it.

Corey Trevor(off camera): What about Tiger Williams, Zesty?

Zesty: What about surgical producers to remove my foot from your assh#le, Corey? You know I was talking to the camera dick, now I gotta talk to your stupid ass too? Gadamat, I got dicks and asses talkin at me all day over here.

CT: Hey, that sounds like a day in the life of Duke Mackey, right Zesty?

Zesty: Shut the f&ck up, Trevor. Here

(Zesty produces a small orange ball from his pocket. Waves it in the vague direction of Corey Trevor and throws the sh*t out of it in the opposite direction.)

Zesty (cont): Go get it!

(CT runs after the ball, full speed ahead. Zesty turns his attention back to the camera man)

Zesty: I bet you smoke hash. I got some really good hash here, fifteen bucks a gram. This sh*t’ll make you f&ck like a dragon, you’ll be ****ting fire – but it won’t hurt or anything – you’ll sh*t fire and crap lightning, kid!

(CT returns with the ball. Zesty extends his hand, palm up but Corey refuses to hand it over, instead turning away and tossing the ball up in the air a few inches.)

Zesty: Let me know about that hash, bud. (he lights up a butt) Corey, give me the f&cking ball.

(CT is repeatedly tossing and catching the ball, ignores Zesty.)

Zesty: The f&cking ball, right now, give it.

CT: What Zesty?

(Zesty whips him around and snatches the ball from CT, bounces it quickly off the poor guy’s forehead and throws it again, this time restraining him with a grab of the back of his shirt.)

Zesty: You just lost that ball forever. Forever, because you just had to act like a douche. Now get your big canvas reusable bag.

(CT lets out a howl and starts after the ball the second he’s released, however Zesty instantly hooks a leg with his hockey stick and sends Trevor flying.)

Zesty: Get the bag!


(CUTTO: A big canvas bag with a Whole Foods logo on it is in one hand and a 1.75 bottle of Canadian Club is in CT’s other as he shuffles behind Zesty, who has his hockey stick up on his shoulder and rum and coke securely in hand.

They walk along a street lined with parked cars, Zesty peering into the windows of every one of them.)

CT: If it’s black history month this month and I’m a mulatto does that mean I can celebrate until the 15th? Or maybe it’d be starting on the 15th? Wait, How many days are in February, would I celebrate for 14 days and like 30 hours or something?

Zesty: I’m gonna celebrate when I’ve killed you and you’re dead and—

(He abruptly stops, looks into the driver’s side window of a parked car. Then he looks around all sneaky-like)

Zesty: There’s like a dozen CDs in there, I think I see “Walking The Razor’s Edge”in there…and some W.A.S.P. and at least four ****s in change, that f&ckin’ does it.

(He does one more quick look up and down the street before smashing the driver’s side window. The glass shatters and he drops the stick and walks away, up the street.)

Zesty (yelling over his shoulder): Go get it, Trevor! And check the glove compartment!

(CT looks around himself, sees that the door is unlocked and proceeds to open it up, get on in and rob the car blind, filling up his reusable bag. He takes the cds, the change, the dashboard lighter and everything from the glove compartment: he took the Who-pudding, he took the roast beast!)

Zesty: Hurry the sh*t up, Trevor!

(Zesty turns away and sees a police car coming down the street. The lights go on and the sirens blare as another comes from the other way and officers pile out.)

Zesty: Hey, I’m glad you guys are here I just called a minute ago. That tall, skinny guy there has been smashing car windows and stealing from orphaned single mothers I’m really afraid for my—

(Two of the cops grab and cuff Zesty as the other two begin after CT)

Zesty: Hey! Hey! Careful, there’s a beverage here, man!

(The cop slams Zesty face first into one of the parked cars and puts the rum and coke on the hood. CT is being restrained in a similar fashion.)

Zesty: Motherf&cker, I’m a Canadian citizen. I have diplomatic annuity here! This is going to be an international f&cking incident, c*cksucker!

(Zesty is bent over the car’s hood, being cuffed and read his rights as he stretches and cranes his neck in an effort to get his lips onto the rum and coke glass.)

Cop: Do you understand these rights as I have just read them to you?

Zesty: I wasn’t listening, I need a drink. And two smokes, let’s go.

(The cop stands him up and shoves him, again face first, into the car. This time he’s standing against the driver’s side door and the Cop is recuffing his wrists, this time tighter and kicking out Zesty’s heels to spread his legs farther apart.)

Cop: You have the right to remain Silent.

(Zesty leans his forehead into the glass window and happens to look into the car: a big plastic ziplock bag with a few ounces of some mostly green herb with some orange speckles…)

Cop: Anything you say will be used against you in a court of law.

(…There’s a bank envelope, almost as thick as a package of cigarettes with a few $50s poking out of it…)

Cop: You have the right to an attorney.

(…There are at least half a dozen of the filthiest looking skinmags of all time…)

Cop: If you cannot afford an attorney one will be appointed to you. Ya got it, assh*le?

(Zesty nods and the cop begins to take him away. He takes one last look back at the car that got away and in the backseat he spies an Oilers jersey, number 27. And to this day he will swear he saw a named scrawled in red ink, off the upper left side of the logo: Dave Semenco)

Zesty: Ah, f&ck me.
 

TSiegel

I spoil things.
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CUTTO: Doctor Sanders and Lori, just outside "Hendo's Room", in Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, Los Angeles, California. Sanders is dressed in similar professional clothing, a white suit and black tie, his hair properly "coifed", likewise Lori dressed in a white skirt and black top with a white coat over it to match and her hair in a ponytail. Sanders hands Lori a binder with pen and takes a deep breath.

Dr. AS: Now Lori....though it may seem like deja vu to some, I feel like what I'm about to say to you has a familiar feel but at the same time it's quite necessary that I tell you this. In afew minutes I'm going to do something so extraordinary, that I've no idea where it could lead. I will tell you this though...

Love....is the only thing that can save this poor creature, and I am going to convince him that he is loved even at the cost of my own life. No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for. Do you understand? Do not open this door.

L: Yes, Doctor.

But before I do that....allow me to take a liberty and respond to afew of my critics.

Sanders turns and faces the camera in a sidebar view similar to those that MTV uses.

Dr. AS: You fellas will have to forgive my not being able to get back to you sooner you see, I actually have REAL work to do. After all...people using valuable time to make this out to be just like an old bad Godzilla movie like Mister Hewlitt Packered-Windows-Seven-Toyota-Honda-Mitsubishi.

The fact is, Magnus...may I call you Magnus??? Aww hell, who cares I'll be your Guardian called you "Maggie" until you were thirty-two so really...what does it matter?? I mean you make fun of my patient, I can make fun of you....you go to Mooby's for a burger and order a "liter of Cola" and forget that people still call it "Pepsi"....it's all very, very good.....but really...what difference does it make??

You can even get a regular check up in a Doctor's office, but I guarantee you...you come into mine, I'm locking you up on a Fifty-One-Fifty, even Pistol-Whip you if you're not, regardless of whether or not you call "Bull****".

The point I'm trying to make, Punky-Brewster, is that you're no different from anyone other Psychopath on a tear, much less Mister Henderson; you need nothing short of a reason to be outside of a cell when you're inside that squared circle. See me?? I'm taking more of a recreational route; you give a man a certain amount of time to let off steam....he renders himself under control and perhaps even for a moment even he might possibly tow the line.

And trust me...there's nothing better than that for an example for the other patients that take residence here, at See--Ess--Emm--See.

Now if you'll excuse me.....

The Doctor then turns back to Lori and adjusts his tie, clearing his throat.

Dr. AS: Remember what I said....

Sanders then turns and pauses as he takes hold of the door knob. Looking back over to Lori he gives the "thumbs-up" sign and steps back as he slowly opens the door, the inside of the cell HORRIBLY quiet. Then in a swift motion he steps inside, closing the door behind him and Lori locking the door.

Seconds pass.

Then, from inside the room....

Sanders' Voice: Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here......what's the matter with you people? I was joking!!! Don't you know a joke when you hear one???? HA-HA-HA-HA!!! Jesus Christ, GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!!! OPEN THIS ******* DOOR OR I'LL KICK YOUR ROTTEN HEADS IN!!!!! MOMMY!!!!!!

FADEOUT
 

Evil James

League Member
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Messages
316
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Location
San Diego, California
FADE IN

Inside of the ****ty strip club that he works at, Duke Mackey is already getting annoyed with the horny prick jock douches that are coming in. Well, he was already pissed off. First he couldn't get off to online porn because of his ****ty connection. Next he got onto the FW forums and they pissed him off so he came into work pissed off. Some douche is harassing one of the girls. Mindy is her name, comes over to tell him.

Mindy: Hey Duke.

Duke turns around and gets a hard on looking at her tits.

Duke: Yo baby. What is it?

Mindy: See those assholes over there?

She points at some dickheads who are now groping Candy the stripper. Duke tuns and sees them before turning back to Mindy.

Duke: Yeah, I'll take care of it babe.

Mindy: Oh please, would you? Thank you, Duke.

She strokes his arm while he imagines her stroking his cock.

Mindy: Now is there anything I can do for you later?

Duke gives her a look.

Duke: Anything?

Mindy smiles.

Mindy: Anything.

A big grin creeps across Duke's face.

Duke: Can you make the old FW forums design come back? The one we have now glitches everytime I get online so my promos end up being ****ty, much like this one. In other words, it's glitchier than a 8-bit NES game.

Mindy looks disappointed.

Mindy: Ummm...yeah, I'll get right to work on that.

Duke: But before that can I **** your ass?

She smiles.

Mindy: Now you're talking. I get off at five.

Duke: Then I'll get off at six.

She giggles.

Duke: But until then...

Duke cracks his knuckles.

Duke: It's time to beat up some preppy douchebags.

Duke cracks his knuckles before walking across the club to confront the ****heads. Once he reaches them, he taps on the biggest douches' shoulder allowing Candy to escape. When the man turns around, much to his surprise it's NFW's Biff Busey and some of his goons.

Biff: Well look at what we have here. Duke Mackey, some crappy wrestler from NLW.

Duke: And look who it is. Biff Busey, the biggest ass****er in NFW history.

Biff takes a swing at Duke who ducks it and punches him in the gut.

Duke: Now take your little *****es and don't ever come back.

After looking at him for a moment, Biff motions for his goons and they head for the door as Duke is mobbed by thankful strippers. It'll be a *****, titty, and ass orgy for him tonight, that's for damn sure.

FADE OUT
 

PaulNJ21

I shunned a voodoo witch, decapitated a black cat
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Every Dog Has Its Day

::Yataka Maeda, along with his assistant Bob, Agent of Hydra enters NLW Headquarters. Maeda comes in with a duffel bag over his shoulder and walks up to the male secretary::


MAEDA: Where boss?


SECRETARY: He is out of the office right now. Do you have a meeting?


MAEDA: Meeting?


SECRETARY: Sir, You can't meet with the boss without having a meeting.


::Maeda hands the duffel bag to Bob::


MAEDA: Hold this for a second Bob.


::MAEDA YAZUKA KICKS THE SECRETARY IN THE FACE KNOCING HIM OUT COLD.. Maeda then grabs a pen, takes out his reading glasses, and pencils in “NOW””. Maeda takes off his glasses and motions to Bob to hand him back the duffel bag::


:BOB: That was a little harsh. What is in the duffel bag? It was heavy as hell.


::Maeda starts laughing::


MAEDA: Surprise.


::Maeda and Bob go into the bosses office, Maeda sits in the bosses chair, reaches into the humidor and pulls out a Cuban cigar. He puts his feet up on the desk::


BOB: Why are we here again?


MAEDA: I'm a jack of many trades.


::Maeda pulls out a bloody knife out of the duffel bag and cuts off the end of the cigar, he then pulls out a lighter and lights the tip::


BOB: How did you get blood on your knife and where were you all day?


::Maeda takes a long drag on the cigar::


MAEDA: After I got in from the airport after a long flight, I was up late... working... and then I slept in most of the day to find three of my opponents had already shot off their mouth before I had breakfast. I went to the bar to clear out my throat and then another two of my opponents didn't wait for me to finish my drink. In Nippon, manners such as these are considered poor.


BOB: What can you expect?,You are dealing with Americans after all, you can't blame the boss for employing a bunch of degenerates....


MAEDA: In my country, manners are passed down from the boss, then to the workers, the wrestlers will pay when I reclaim the title “King of All Monsters for Nippon because a rude *****, is a dead *****.


BOB: That is a bit harsh isn't it?


::Maeda stares at Bob::


MAEDA: Go get me some more vodka from the store. I'm still thirsty.


::A nervous Bob leaves the office, stepping over the body of the secretary on the way out of the door::


MAEDA: F***king Gaijins..


::Maeda pulls out a leash and a dog collar, he notices for the first time the name which says “Lucky” on it, he starts laughing uncontrollably and leaves it on the boss' desk and goes back to smoking his Cuban cigar::


FTB
 
Last edited:

Evil James

League Member
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Location
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Re: Every Dog Has Its Day

FADE IN

Inside of his apartment, Duke Mackey has just ****ed four hookers and snorted 13 kilos of cocaine in half an hour. This is part of his training schedule for NLW. Next on the list is five blow jobs from Asian whores and an alcohol binge.

Duke: Ugh...that felt great.

Duke looks around and sees naked women all over the place.

Duke: I feel like Conan O'Brien sitting on his throne surrounded by *****.

One of the women wakes up and looks at him.

Woman: Who in the hell are you?

Duke: I'm Duke "Big Dick" Mackey, the ultimate **** machine.

The woman looks at him like he's nuts.

Woman: What the hell are you talking about?

Duke: Know why you can't walk?

The woman shrugs her shoulders.

Woman: I don't know...paralysis?

Duke: No, because I broke you in half....WITH MY DICK!

She looks at him with disgust.

Woman: You're sick!

Duke: But you still ****ed me, *****.

Woman: ASSHOLE!

Duke now shrugs his shoulders.

Duke: What the hell did I say?

Duke then looks around and sees all the other women surrounding him.

Duke: Forget her...I got more holes to plug....

The censors quickly fade the scene to black before any lengthy orgy scenes can be viewed by pre-pubescent ****tards that watch wrestling can see anything naughty.

FADE OUT
 

PaulNJ21

I shunned a voodoo witch, decapitated a black cat
Joined
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Website
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Raw Meat


::Maeda and Bob, Agent of DREDD are in a diner late at night waiting for their for their food::


BOB: You'll love this place, they serve steaks an inch thick and getting some food into you will balance out the alcohol..


MAEDA: If you don't have an ulcer by the time you are thirty, you aren't working hard enough.


BOB: Then I'm content to be lazy...


MAEDA: I work my whole life to get where I am today, I started in some torturous dojos in Japan where veterans with a chip on their shoulder would take great pleasure in beating the crap out of you to make sure you really wanted to be in this sport. They worked you until you dropped and if you dropped, they would be even harder on you the next day. I came home from training and my family would see the welts on my body and ask what the hell they were doing to me in there. How do you explain to people how something when the only true way to understand is going go through the hell yourself?


BOB: You have to be in the war to understand the war.


MAEDA: Damn straight you do. But all that training paid off, I got my break and made my debut for a big Japanese company. I wasn't the bosses boy though and I didn't have the movie star good looks. I could beat the crap out of people with the best of them, but they would never give me a world title shot because I wasn't their chosen one.


BOB: There is politics in everything.


MAEDA: I realized that and about that time, MMA was really taking off in Japan so I decided that the best way to get ahead in wrestling was to go into MMA and make a name for myself. If you think the training for pro wrestling was hard, you should have been in those martial art dojos. A lot of wrestlers had a chip on their shoulder shoulder that they had something else to prove, that they needed to show they were a success in both in order to be considered to be legit. You can't just go in there having only learned one style, in order to be a success, you have to know several styles and that is what I did to prepare.


BOB: How did you do when you finally made your debut?


MAEDA: I'm huge for a Japanese wrestler, but they stuck me in there with some juiced up gaijin fighters that had been training for over a decade as opposed to six months to a year like I had... and got my ass kicked at first, but with each fight, I got better and the fans started to recognize how tough I was and that despite all the punishment I took, I never gave up...then I had this out of control war with this American where were trading punches back and forth and he left my face even uglier than when I came into the bout, but a strange thing happened, during that fight, the crowd started getting more and more behind me until the crowd was white hot ...all of a sudden, that same pro wrestling company which never gave me a title shot was calling me on the phone along with several other companies in Nippon, trying to book me for dates left and fight and I became the biggest Japanese wrestling star in the country.


BOB: Why did you come to NLW then?


MAEDA: As much as I hate to say it, as big as I am in Japan, I want to show the world what I can do and the best way to make a name for yourself all over the world is to do it in America. When NLW called me up and asked me come over from Japan and show the world what I could do, I knew I had the make the most of the opportunity so I contacted Marx and he helped negotiate my deal.


BOB: The winner of the King of All Monsters gets a chance to headline the first NLW PPV in a battle for the World Title. If you win this... ..


MAEDA: You don't need to tell me that. I'm going to show the world who the King of All Monsters really is and I'm going to shut up everyone who didn't think I could become a world wide star because I don't have movie star good looks or that I'm not the prototype of what most people think a Japanese wrestler should be... I'll eliminate all these FREAKS ONE BY ONE.... AND I WILL PROVE THAT I AM THE KING OF ALL MONSTERS!




FTB
 
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