Intro, KOTC:TTE - Erik Black/Impulse vs. Colossal Connection
[CUT TO: Ringside, where the shadow of the steel cage over the ring steel hangs over the commentary team at the table.]
DT: Welcome to Houston, TX for Aggression 56!! With me as always are Dean Matthews and Mike Neely, and tonight, we begin the King of the Cage: Tag Team Edition!!
MN: We’re going to have to look at that thing ALL NIGHT... aren’t we?
DM: You’re just going to have to get used to it, Neels...
DT: We’ve got the main event coming later... but until then, let’s get the first match of the tournament behind us. This next tag match should be interesting, in part because we’ll be seeing two former Tag Team Champions on OPPOSITE sides of the ring. On one side, the recently acquitted “Dopesmoker” Erik Black... and in other corner, his former CHRONIC COLLIZION!! partner in crime, “The Sonic Titan” Ivan Dalkichev, now of the Colossal Connection...
MN: Okay... there were just WAYY too many ridiculous words thrown into that sentence for me to possibly understand what you just said...
DT: Should be interesting to see how this friendship between the EPW Tag Team legends will hold up with both men as opponents instead of allies. Although, given his comments earlier this week, I almost wonder if Erik Black will even be willing to FIGHT his former tag partner
DT: You never really know with the wily “Dopesmoker”...
MN: Right... just like we don’t know if the DEA is about to STING US!
DM: Fingers crossed...
DT: Also of note in this match is that we’ll also be seeing the first official in-ring appearance of Empire Pro’s newest acquisition, IMPULSE!!
DM: I honestly can’t wait to see him! Impulse has gained a lot of credibility over these past few years in various federations touring across the globe, competing in some high-caliber matches and boasting an acclaimed wrestling skill. I hear he’s even got some wins over former Empire Pro World Heavyweight Champions...
DT: That is impressive! I personally haven’t had the opportunity to see him in action yet, but I’ve heard nothing but great things! I think we’re in for a real treat!
MN: Well, I never heard of this guy before, but the way you guys keep talking about him, you’d think he was some EIGHT FOOT TALL juggernaut that EATS LEAD and CRAPS STEEL CHAIRS!!
DM: Uhh... no, not quite.
DT: I guess we’ll see what he’s capable of in just a few moments... I’m being told he’s MAKING HIS WAY TO THE RING NOW!!
DM: HERE WE GO!!
[CUE UP: “Revolution Baby” by Queen V.]
[The crowd POPS LOUD as a highlight reel of “the Marathon Man” spanning several indie federations plays on the EmpireTron through the song’s intro. A few moments later, IMPULSE walks out onto the Empire Pro stage for the very first time, drawing another big reaction from the fans.]
MN: BWAHAHAHAHHA!! Oh my God, HE’S A SHRIMP!!
DT: Can it, Neely! Show some RESPECT!
TF: Ladies and gentlemen... the following match will be the next first round in contest in our King of the Cage: Tag Team Edition tournament! Introducing first, making his way to the ring... he comes to us from New York City, New York, and weighs in one-hundred and eighty-eight pounds... please give him a BIG WELCOME in his EMPIRE PRO DEBUT... here is “THE MARATHON MAN”...
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMPPUUUUUULLLLSSSSE!!!
[The crowd pops again as Impulse pumps a fist into the air and approaches the cage, eyes focused on the ring.]
DT: I’m genuinely excited to see what this young man has to offer Empire Pro Wrestling here tonight in his debut!
DM: As am I, Dave... although given the questionable nature of his tag partner in this match, you can’t help but wonder what’s going through his mind as he makes his way down the aisle to the cage! Is it going to be two on two, or one on THREE?
MN: Come on, with this guy, you’re talking POINT FIVE on three! LOOK AT HIM! HAHAHAHA!!
DT: Would you CUT THAT OUT, Mike? Size isn’t always a factor, you know!
MN: Tell that to my EX-WIFE!
DM: You’ve never been married, Neels...
[Impulse doesn’t hesitate or even pause to second guess himself as he approaches the cage door and enters, stepping through the ropes and proudly striding over the EPW logo in the center of the canvas as he pumps a fist up and turns himself in a circle to give the entire audience a good first view, knowing they could be seeing history in the making.]
[CUE UP: “Holy Mountain” by Sleep.]
[An EPIC POP rocks the arena as a wall of drone blasts through the PA and a video package of “Escape Artist” highlights fills the EmpireTron with a psychedelic color haze visual effect. As the intro riff churns out, THE COLOSSAL CONNECTION walk out onto the stage, getting a surprised reaction. From behind them appears a cloud of mist...]
DM: UH OH...
DT: Looks like you might be RIGHT, Dean!
SFX: *BOOM!!*
[Tri-colored pyrotechnics EXPLODE over the stage as the song sweeps into the first verse. The crowd again POPS HARD as “DOPESMOKER” ERIK BLACK emerges from the mist, clad in his ring gear and bearing the Star-Spangled Banner across his shoulders in an act of showy patriotism. With the giants Ivan Dalkichev and Olvir Arsvinnar flanking his sides, Black greets the cheering masses with a pose of epically awesome proportions. All together, the “CHRONIColossal COLLIZIONnection” make their way down the ring, slapping hands with the fans and making a scene of themselves.]
TF: And his partner, currently making his way to the ring... hailing from the RIFF-FILLED LAND, and weighing in at two-hundred and twenty one pounds... making his RETURN to EMPIRE PRO... “THE ESCAPE ARTIST”...
“DOPESMOKER”... EEEEERRRIIIIIIIIKKKK BBBBLLLAAAAACCCCKKKK!!!
[CUT TO: Tony Fatora looking confused in the ring as he tries to figure out where to go from here...]
TF: Uh... and accompanying him to the ring... the OPPONENTS!! Weighing in at a combined weight of SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY-FIVE POUNDS... “THE SONIC TITAN” IVAN DALKICHEV... and “THE BUTT-DOMINATOR” OLVIR ARSVINNAR...
THE COOOOLLOSSSALLL... CCOOOONNEEEEEECCTTIIOOOOONNN!!!
DT: Well gentlemen, you can see it for yourselves... “Dopesmoker” Erik Black coming to the ring with the men who are supposed to be his OPPONENTS in this match, but they certainly seem to be chumming it up!
DM: Doesn’t look like a good situation for Impulse...
[CUT TO: Impulse in the ring, who watches without a discernable expression... but is getting loose and ready for the match, regardless.]
MN: Are you kidding, Dean? What could POSSIBLY be a good situation for this toothpick? Those guys are like TWICE HIS SIZE!!
DM: Yeah, as if that wasn’t the least of his worries...
DT: The odds appear stacked against the newcomer, but he doesn’t seem worried in the slightest. If anything, he’s ready for this procession to finish so this match can START!
DM: “The Escape Artist” can’t help it, Dave... he’s breathing the SWEET AIR of AMERICAN FREEDOM! Looks like the fans are pretty happy to have him back now that his legal troubles are behind him!
DT: He turned some heads in LAST year’s King of the Cage tournament with his unusual game plan, but of course, a trip to the final round was cut short when federal drug enforcement agents got involved...
MN: They say he was framed for that stash of GANJA they found in the stoner’s locker, but I don’t believe it for a minute. Somehow, he gets off from POSSESSION CHARGES, and meanwhile, they’re threatening to lock ME up for not paying some damned ALIMONY charges to my ex-wife! That’s the liberal-American justice system for ya!
DM: Neels, what in the hell are you babbling about? I told you... YOU’VE NEVER BEEN MARRIED!
[After a lengthy procession down the ramp involving bongs, vodka, and horns of mead, the trio enter the cage one by one. Fatora quickly makes his leave after him and the cage door is shut and padded by the two officials on duty, leaving four wrestlers and one ref within the steel structure.]
DT: I certainly hope Erik Black is not intending to leave his partner high and dry in this contest just because his FRIENDS are the opponents!
DM: You never really can tell what “Dopesmoker” Erik Black has planned, but I’m sure regardless of what may go down, Impulse knows exactly what he must do.
MN: If he had any sense, he’d GET OUT OF THE CAGE as fast as he can!
[Black, Dalkichev, and Arsvinnar take a few more photo op moment boosting up onto turnbuckles and posing for the fans. Referee Andrew Gardell steps in as the music cuts out, visiting every man one at a time to explain the rules and check for foreign objects. As this is going on the Colossal Connection head to their corner... followed by Erik. They stop halfway to explain to him that his corner is on the OTHER side of the ring, much to the amusement of the crowd.]
MN: BAH!! Stupid stoner forgot where his corner is...
[Smirking as he comes to his senses, Black goes to his designated corner, meeting Impulse face to face for the first time. With a sly grin, “Dopesmoker” offers his hand to the Empire Pro newcomer.]
DM: Well look here... “Dopesmoker” Erik Black is willing to SHAKE THE HAND of Impulse as a sign of good faith!
DT: But can he fully trust him?
MN: Never put your TRUST in the hands of a STONER!
[CUT TO: The face of Impulse as he tries to read “the Escape Artist’s” face for signs of deception. Though reluctant, the favorable reaction of the fans is all Impulse needs to make a decision: He takes the hand and shakes it.]
DT: Looks like these two may work well together after all... although we won’t know until the bell rings.
DM: Black and Impulse are now well met... and “Dopesmoker” is obliging the ring to his partner, gracefully giving the newcomer the opportunity to show the Empire Pro fans his skills to start things off! Looks like Impulse agrees, and Black goes to the apron...
MN: I don’t think he was respectfully stepping aside for the rookie, Dean. He’s just knows he’s MUCH safer outside those ropes than on the INSIDE with the monsters!
DM: On that note, “The Butt-Dominator” Olvir Arsvinnar is in the ring for the Colossal Connection... and man, does he look CHARGED!
MN: Olvir can’t WAIT to rip this midget’s head off!
DT: Referee Andrew Gardell looks like he’s ready, and he gives the cue to the timekeeper!
SFX: *DING! DING!*
DT: Here we go! Impulse and Olvir out of there corners... they go right into the LOCK-UP... and Olvir just SHOVES the smaller man to the mat like he weighed NOTHING!
DM: It’s the classic situation of David versus Goliath... but Impulse, undeterred, rolls to his feet and goes right back INTO THE LOCK UP... and Olvir SHOVES HIM AWAY effortlessly once again!
MN: HAH!! What a pipsqueak...
DT: Olvir with a proud and showy FLEX as he taunts the smaller Impulse with his HUGE excess in strength and muscle mass! Impulse doesn’t look the least bit phased, however! He comes to his feet -- OH WAIT, OLVIR CHARGES WITH THE LARIAT!!
DM: And it’s DUCKED by Impulse! Impulse slips behind and goes right into a waist lock... Olvir’s trying to reach around and grab him, but he’s just a bit too big and clumsy to get a grip!
MN: I think he can’t get to him cause he’s busy LAUGHING too hard...
DT: Nevertheless, Impulse is wrapping up the leg of the Viking Violator, looking for the sweep... can he get him down? …YES!!
Crowd: *POP!!*
DM: It took about ALL his weight, but it was enough to put Olvir Arsvinnar to the mat with leg sweep! The Viking bumped his chin on that fall and gives it a rub, but the newcomer Impulse is already in action!
DT: Impulse stretches the leg back... he’s got it locked in, and... YES! HE BRIDGED BACK FOR THE STF!
MN: He could BARELY reach back far enough to lock the chin...
DM: The height differential doesn’t make it easier, but nevertheless, Impulse has Olvir Arsvinnar locked into the STF, and “The Butt-Dominator’s” eyes are open WIDE with pain and surprise! I bet he didn’t even THINK he’d be in this situation!
DT: Looks like the shock is wearing off... the Viking FURY returns to the eyes of Olvir Arsvinnar as he reaches up and effortlessly PRIES AWAY the hands clasping his head into that chin lock!
DM: Not that Impulse had much leverage to work with there! He had to use all five feet and eleven inches to pull that off!
DT: Olvir scrambles to back to his feet, but Impulse is up a second ahead of him! Here comes Olvir, charging forward, hands clasped... BIG MISS on the charging Mjolnir Blow as Impulse got around him again!
MN: Olvir needs to lay off the MEAD before matches, because even I could have smashed that twerp...
DT: Impulse trying to get him from behind... but Olvir comes back with a big BACKHAND STRIKE -- NO!! Impulse DUCKS!! Olvir SWINGS AGAIN... and MISSES!! Now Olvir is THRASHING his mighty fists through the air in every direction, but Impulse avoids him EVERY TIME! He’s just two steps ahead of “The Butt-Dominator”!
DM: The advantage in size and strength are clearly not as great as a factor as we thought they would be! Olvir Arsvinnar is a bona fide POWERHOUSE, but clearly, there’s little brains behind the brawn!
DT: Olvir is looking FRUSTRATED now! Here comes ANOTHER big lariat, but Impulse -- WAIT, Impulse CATCHES HIM around the shoulder! Looks like he’s trying to twist that python-sized arm into a classic ARMLOCK... but Olvir just TOSSES HIM ASIDE and nearly knocks him into the cage wall!
MN: AWAY, PEST!!
DM: Olvir’s slapping his chest... he’s got a little of his STEAM back, but Impulse doesn’t look phased in the SLIGHTEST! That kid’s got some serious guts...
DT: And if Olvir Arsvinnar gets his hands on him, we might SEE those guts! Here comes Olvir for another lock-up... apparently, he finally realizes that swinging his fists around like a madman isn’t going to get the job done! Impulse fearlessly meets him, and both men lock up!
DM: Olvir exerting that STRENGTH again... and now he’s working Impulse back into the CORNER! This could be a bad place for the newcomer! He’s got no room to move around in there!
MN: Time to see this bug get SQUASHED!
DT: Olvir with a HARD SHOVE, and Impulse gets thrown into the turnbuckle! He comes bouncing out, but Olvir meets him with a DEVASTATING body blow that knocks him right back into the corner! It looked like he could have punched a HOLE right through him!
DM: Impulse looks hurt after that shot, and I don’t blame him... Olvir clutching the ropes, and OH... he just crushes the smaller man caught against the turnbuckle with a HEAVY body attack! Remember, Olvir’s is more than TWICE his weight!
DT: Olvir with ANOTHER heavy body strike... and Impulse drops to the seated position! That’s an even WORSE place to be, and Olvir’s going to make him realize it right now with some MUDHOLE STOMPS with that giant size-fifteen FURRY BOOT of his!
MN: SQUISH! SQUISH! SQUISH!! I hate that smelly Viking, but damn, do I LOVE watching small things getting pulverized by ridiculously LARGER things!
DM: Olvir’s pressing that foot down into Impulse’s face, squeezing the life out of him! Impulse’s legs are thrashing... I think he may be CHOKING!!
DT: Wait a second... “DOPESMOKER” ERIK BLACK hops the ropes and enters the ring! I think he’s going to DO something about this!
MN: Does that idiot even know what TEAM he’s playing for?
DM: Good to see he’s got the sense of mind to help out his partner in a sticky situation, cause these guys DEFINITELY need to look out for each other in this match! Here comes Black... just gently tapping Olvir on the shoulder!
DT: Olvir finally lets off and turns around... Black with a SHOT -- OH, NO!! He took a shot at the IMPERVIOUS PECTORAL MUSCLES of the Viking Violator, and it was like punching a BRICK WALL!!
Crowd: “HAHAHAHAHA!!!”
[A heroic and cocky grin forms on the face of Olvir Arsvinnar as he stands with his chest puffed out, chuckling down at the sight of “Dopesmoker” Erik Black comically flailing around in the mat while clutching his fist in pain...]
MN: Well, that was completely useless...
DM: Maybe not entirely... Olvir turned his back on Impulse, but now he’s suddenly BACK UP... and NOW HE’S ON HIS BACK! He’s got the SLEEPERHOLD LOCKED IN!!
DT: Oh, WOW!! Simply amazing to see someone come back from a STOMPING like that so quickly and with such energy! Olvir staggering around the ring now as Impulse squeezes down on his head... those arms are wrapped in TIGHT!
MN: Meanwhile, the ref FINALLY remembers he has a job to do and gets the stoner back into his corner, but he does something stupid AGAIN...
DM: He may not have done much damage, but the distraction was all Impulse needed to get out of a tight spot!
DT: Olvir... STILL lumbering around the ring, trying to reach back and pry the smaller man off of him... but to NO AVAIL! Now he’s DOWN TO A KNEE!! I don’t believe it... Impulse is taking down THE GIANT!!
Crowd: *POP!*
DM: Olvir’s down to BOTH knees now! I think he’s SLIPPING!
MN: There really isn’t much blood flow going into that heathen’s head to begin with, I imagine...
DT: Impulse’s feet touch the mat... wait a second... Impulse doing some REPOSITIONING now that’s he’s got leverage!
DM: He’s switched from sleeper to inverted face lock! Olvir trying to get off his knees -- AND IMPULSE JUST DRILLS HIM WITH A REVERSE DDT!!
DT: HE GOT HIM!! Impulse with the PIN!
One!
Two!
WHOAAH!! Olvir just BENCH PRESSES HIM OFF in a SURGE of fury and strength!
DM: Still, you gotta give credit where it’s due! Olvir doesn’t know WHAT to think right now! As “puny” as Impulse may be in his eyes, this young blood is getting the better of him!
MN: Dean, can you honestly remember the last time that barbarian mongoloid WON a match?
DM: Uhh...
DT: Mike Neely has left Dean Matthews speechless... THAT is a first, ladies and gentlemen. Back to the match... Olvir rising to his feet in a RAGE, but Impulse spots the outstretched arm of his tag partner, “DOPESMOKER” ERIK BLACK!
DM: Looks like Black knows what team he’s on after all! Impulse MAKES THE TAG... and Olvir just stopped DEAD IN HIS TRACKS!
[The crowd begins to get riled up as “Dopesmoker” Erik Black hops the rope to enter the ring, a cool smirk on his face as he doesn’t quite look at the Viking Violator in the ring with him, but past him... to his former tag partner in the opposite corner. Casually leaning on the ring post across the ring, “The Sonic Titan” Ivan Dalkichev simply chuckles and shakes his head at the proposition.]
DT: “Dopesmoker’s” IN THE RING! Here we are, gentlemen... what’s going to happen now?!
MN: Let’s just hope the DEA don’t raid the arena again...
DM: You can hear the crowd and you can see the look in Black’s eye! He wants it and THEY want it to! They want to see both tag team legends in the ring TOGETHER!!
[Olvir continues egging on the crowd by cupping his ear and pumping them up, before finally giving them what they want and making the tag to the Russian giant.]
Crowd: *POP!!*
DM: Here we go... DALKICHEV and BLACK!! Once the Hammer and Sickle of the Crimson Calling...
MN: Now the Cheech and Chong of professional wrestling...
DT: Ivan Dalkichev steps over the ropes as he enters the ring, approaching the center of the ring with a domineering presence! Erik Black meets him there, and now the former tag team partners and pioneer champions stand face to face wearing sentimental smiles! What’s going to happen NEXT? Can they really FIGHT each other?!
DM: We’re about to find out!!
DT: Dalkichev looking down to Black... Black looking UP to Dalkichev... and... BLACK JUST SCRAMBLES FOR THE CAGE WALL!!
MN: Oh for crying out loud, NOT THAT AGAIN!!
DM: “The Escape Artist” yet again stubbornly sticks to his namesake, trying to scale the cage wall... but Ivan Dalkichev has him by the ANKLE before he can even reach the top!
DT: The crafty Erik Black won’t be getting away THAT easy tonight! Dalkichev calmly pulls him down off the cage wall back to the floor, as Black frantically claws away at the canvas to get away from him!
DM: Ivan getting Erik up now by the back of his back and the nape of his hair... and there goes “DOPESMOKER” INTO THE CAGE --
SFX: *SMASH!!*
Crowd: “OOOOHHH!!!”
DT: GOOD GOD, IVAN DALKICHEV LOBBED HIM LIKE A FRISBEE INTO THE CAGE WALL!!
MN: HAHAHA... that kinda reminded me of the bug that splattered on my windshield the other day...
DM: Black moving weakly in a HEAP between the ropes and the cage wall as his tag partner looks on with concern! Now a shadow falls over him as Ivan comes to pick him up off the mat!
DT: Uh oh... “Dopesmoker” back on his feet with the help of Ivan, but looks like he could fall over at the slightest gust of wind! Ivan dusts him off and checks him over to make sure he’s okay and not TOO banged up...
MN: Always good to see friends looking out for each other...
DT: ...and suddenly, THERE’S THE WHIP TO THE ROPES!! Black on the REBOUND... runs straight into a TOR-NA-DOOOOOOO SAMBO SUPLEX!!!
SFX: *SLAMM!!*
Crowd: *POP!!*
DT: MY GOD, it looked like he threw “Dopesmoker” right into the EARTH’S CORE!! I’m surprised the whole CAGE didn’t collapse!!
DM: The sheer STRENGTH of Ivan Dalkichev is on display here tonight! Look at that calm and confident smirk on his face as he brutalizes his former tag partner without mercy! I almost think he’s ENJOYING this!
MN: Forget about his face, look at ERIK’S! I think HE’S ENJOYING TOO!
DT: Ivan back to his feet... I thought he could have gone for the COVER there, but instead, it looks like he’s going for the KNEE DROP -- NO!! “Dopesmoker” ROLLED TO THE SIDE in just the nick of time!
DM: Black rolls to his feet... he’s got a chance to make a MOVE here while Ivan is stunned tending to the leg! He goes into the ropes... CHARGES IVAN STRAIGHT ON -- OOH, and HITS THE MAT HARD!!
MN: Yes, that’s right... RUN RIGHT AT the man who weighs twice more than you do! How could that POSSIBLY fail...
DT: “The Raging Russian” chuckles good-humoredly as he looks down at the failed attempts of his tag partner... but suddenly, here’s Black SPRINGING back to his feet! He goes right for the WAIST LOCK... but Ivan doesn’t budge!
MN: I don’t think Ivan even FEELS him right now!
DM: Black slips around, wrangling that huge left arm now, trying to put Dalkichev into some sort of an arm bar... and “The Sonic Titan” simply YAWNS!!
Crowd: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
MN: This is pathetic...
DT: Black trying in vain... but now Dalkichev is tired of waiting, SNAPS his arm and tosses “Dopesmoker” aside like he were NOTHING! Black just BURSTS RIGHT BACK ONTO HIS FEET!!
DM: A lot of energy in that man... Black charging FORWARD -- and gets HURLED VIOLENTLY THROUGH THE AIR AS HIS FACE COLLIDES WITH THE BACKHAND STRIKE BY IVAN DALKICHEV!! Man, that’s like STEEL GIRDER right to the KISSER!! Those are some HUGE ARMS!!
MN: Ivan Dalkichev has to go through five sticks of deodorant a day, I hear.
DT: Erik Black is LITERALLY being thrown around that cage like a human crash test dummy by his former tag team partner... and I don’t think Ivan Dalkichev’s even broken a SWEAT!
DM: He’s been dominant thus far because he knows his former tag partner better than anybody else... but you can’t give “Dopesmoker” the benefit of the doubt!
DT: Ivan reaching down... grabs Black by the GOATEE --
MN: OH, THE HUMANITY!!
DT: -- and he DRAGS HIM over to his corner to make the tag to Olvir Arsvinnar, who seems all too eager to join in on this brutality!
DM: This can only be bad news for Erik Black, as Impulse helplessly looks on from across the ring! Ivan getting his former partner up now... putting him UP HIGH with the MILITARY PRESS as Andrew Gardell tells him to get out of the ring! Olvir sure is taking his TIME getting over those ropes...
MN: He’s giving all those lucky ladies in the front row a nice view of his moneymaker, obviously...
DT: And all the while, “Dopesmoker” Erik Black hangs in limbo as the giant Ivan Dalkichev keeps him hovering several feet off the mat! Here comes Olvir into the ring... and Ivan TOSSES BLACK TO HIM --
Crowd: *POP!!*
DM: OH WOW, OLVIR CAUGHT HIM with a MILITARY PRESS OF HIS OWN!!
MN: These guys could roll him up into a ball and play CATCH with him if they wanted to!
DM: Ivan back to the apron, and Olvir’s got Erik Black right where he wants him... here comes the Viking Violator, turning to the CAGE -- !!
SFX: *CRASSHH!!*
Crowd: “OOOOOHHHHH!!”
DM: ...and Erik Black gets introduced to it the HARD WAY once again!
MN: These are strange friends... the kind that like to beat the crap out of each other.
DT: Olvir takes some time to FLAUNT HIS STUFF for the fans... and in the meantime, “Dopesmoker” Erik Black takes a second to recover from that beating! Across the ring, he can BARELY see Impulse eagerly calling to him, trying to get him to crawl over and make the tag!
MN: I’m sure he’s seeing THREE Impulses right now...
DM: Erik Black won’t be getting anywhere, because here comes Olvir Arsvinnar once again, getting “Dopesmoker” back to his feet by a handful of his HAIR... there’s the IRISH WHIP... and Black CONNECTS HARD WITH THE TURNBUCKLE!!
DT: I think he more of FELL INTO the corner than connected with it! Black trying to right himself now... but here comes OLVIR -- WITH A BIG STINGER SPLASH!! “Dopesmoker” just got SMASHED under those rock-hard pectorals of Olvir Arsvinnar!!
DM: The Colossal Connection are seriously beginning to dominate this match now! “Dopesmoker” Erik Black hasn’t stopped grinning since he stepped into the ring, but he hardly looks CONSCIOUS by this point! Why hasn’t he been able to mount any offense yet?
MN: All that time in jail must have really taken its toll on the stoner. Then again, it’s him and the shrimp against two giant freaks of nature, so I can’t be terribly surprised by his failure to get anything happening by this point...
DT: I almost wonder if he’s even trying to put up a fight! Black looks in bad shape, but Olvir’s not through yet... he’s boosting him up to the TOP ROPE!! Things could get UGLY now!
DM: The Viking Violator is going to some SERIOUS lengths here, now climbing up himself... but wait, “DOPESMOKER” IS FIGHTING BACK!
MN: Oh no... he knows somebody’s getting into his STASH somewhere!
DT: Black’s got a grip on the cage, desperately trying to kick Olvir away... the leverage MIGHT HELP! Black pants both legs into Olvir’s chest... AND HE DOES IT!!
DM: The big man drops HARD to the mat, and now Black’s got a chance to move here! He’s setting his feet back onto the turnbuckle... AND FLYING OFF WITH A SOMERSAULT!!
Crowd: *POP!!*
DT: OH WOW, A FRONT-FLIP MISSILE DROPKICK from the TOP ROPE, and Olvir Arsvinnar is left STAGGERING after that high-risk maneuver!
DM: Staggering, but not quite DOWN!
MN: Flashy, yet so ineffective...
DT: Black pops to his feet... there he goes INTO THE ROPES... NAILS OLVIR with the RUNNING DROPKICK... but he STILL can’t knocked him to the mat!
DM: Not by HIMSELF! Black spots Impulse... HE MAKES THE TAG!! Impulse in the ring now, and he knows just what to do! “Dopesmoker” and Impulse bounce off the ropes... STEREO DROPKICKS!! And Olvir FINALLY HITS THE MAT!!
Crowd: *POP!!*
DT: Now THERE’S some teamwork! Black goes to the outside, as Impulse makes the COVER!
ONE!
TWO!
And Olvir YET AGAIN powers out!
MN: Took all that work just to knock him to the mat, and that mongoloid is STILL fighting strong!
DM: Olvir raging to his feet... but Impulse TRIPS HIM UP with a DROP TOE HOLD!! He definitely knows where to strike the towering Norseman, and Olvir’s fallen for it EVERY time!
MN: Not too bright, obviously. His only brain functions are “eat,” “drink,” “thrust,” and “destroy.”
DT: Olvir Arsvinnar getting to his feet, but the Impulse is already in motion, rebounding off the ropes... YES!! HE CATCHES THE VIKING AROUND THE HEAD AND PUTS HIM TO THE MAT WITH THE RUNNING BULLDOG!!
DM: And Impulse MAKES THE TAG back to “Dopesmoker” Erik Black! These guys know if they can keep the momentum going, they can overcome these giants! They’re doing a GREAT job of doing it right now!
DT: Olvir Arsvinnar looks STUPIFIED as he comes back to his feet... but here comes Erik Black, SPRINGBOARDING OFF THE TOP ROPE -- AND HE DROPS RIGHT ONTO OLVIR’S SHOULDERS!!
DM: “DOPESMOKER” WITH A DRAGONRANA --
Crowd: *POP!!*
SFX: *CRASH!!*
DM: -- AND “THE BUTT-DOMINATOR” OLVIR ARSVINNAR’S FACE RUNS RIGHT INTO THE CAGE!!
DT: What an AMAZING TURNAROUND for the team of “Dopesmoker” and Impulse! They’re REALLY taking the beating to Olvir Arsvinnar now!
DM: Black making the tag to Impulse, and a wounded Olvir desperately tags in Ivan Dalkichev... and after seeing the beating his partner’s taken, he’s ALL business now!
DT: Impulse is back in the ring, and he looks ready for the challenge! But wait a second... Black isn’t going back to the apron! Instead, it looks like he’s going for the CAGE DOOR! What’s he doing?
MN: He’s getting the HELL OUT OF DODGE! Do you see how PISSED OFF Ivan Dalkichev looks right now?!
DM: Black is through the door... and he’s OUT! But Impulse is still IN, wondering where in the hell he’s GOING!
DT: One of the conditions of victory for this match is if both members of a team can escape the cage... but while “Dopesmoker” Erik Black has managed to step through the cage door, Impulse has remained in the ring, intent on finishing this match the PROPER way!
MN: Is he CRAZY?! Ivan is standing there like a volcano waiting to BLOW HIS TOP... and now the Viking’s getting back to his senses!
DT: Why on earth would Erik Black forsake his partner like that?
DM: I’m pretty sure we all know... but maybe you’ll get a chance to ask him anyway, Dave, cause HERE HE COMES to the table!
DT: OH BOY...
MN: Oh geez...
[CUT TO: The commentary table as “Dopesmoker” Erik Black, in the process of toweling himself off, picks up and headset and takes a seat, breathing heavy and looking rather happy with his work.]
EB: Oh man, that was a trip... what’s up, guys?
DM: Hey Erik, uh... thanks for joining us?
DT: I guess since you’re here, do you care to explain what THAT was all about?
EB: WHAT? Did you guys forget that I’m the ESCAPE ARTIST?!
MN: How could we FORGET when you keep REMINDING us every hour?
DT: But what about your partner IMPULSE, who now alone in the cage, staring down an angry giant?
EB: Oh yeah, uh...
DM: Oh man... here they go into the LOCK UP... and no surprise here, Ivan QUICKLY overpowers the smaller Impulse and wrangles him into a tight waist lock!
EB: He should probably get out of the cage as soon as possible.
MN: Gee, you think?
DT: Impulse trying to break free... but the larger Dalkichev SLAMS HIM HARD into the mat! That look like it HURT!
DM: And Dalkichev brings him right back OFF the mat, squeezing him in TIGHTER with the bear hug! Impulse is SCREAMING in pain now!
EB: ‘Van’s like a big Siberian bear... and you know how you deal with bears, guys? You just play dead...
DT: Dalkichev CLINCHES the hold, causing Impulse to scream again! You guys were doing so WELL working together! Why did you just suddenly BAIL on your partner and leave him in this situation, Erik? I don’t think playing dead is going to help him win the match...
EB: Hey, man... who said anything about WINNING? Only reason I came out here tonight was to BRING BACK the “Dopesmoker” to the fans that missed him over the past months of sobriety and boredom...
DM: Hate to tell you this, Erik, but you only did about a handful of moves the entire time you were in that ring...
EB: Well that may be, but the fact is, they were AWESOME moves!
DT: Impulse still being CRUSHED in the huge arms of Ivan Dalkichev... now he’s trying to POUND AWAY at Ivan’s face, doing anything he can to pry himself free! “The Sonic Titan” TOSSES HIM ASIDE --
SFX: *CRASH!!*
Crowd: “OOOOOOHHHH...”
DT: -- and RIGHT INTO THE CAGE!! That was just PAINFUL to watch!
MN: Well, he got out of the bear hug, at least...
EB: You see, I’m like a POET. It’s not about the amount of words I use to write my poetry, but the MEANING of those words...
MN: Wish the same could be said about your HOUR-LONG promos...
DM: Well, Erik, far be it from me to question your rather questionable approach to this sport, but perhaps you could have made those points a bit more CLEAR to your partner before you guys tagged up. I don’t think turning tail and running away was part of Impulse’s plan going into this match...
EB: Ah, plans are overrated anyway...
DT: Impulse trying to get up... but Dalkichev already has him around the waist! Dalkichev bringing OFF THE MAT with the DALKICHEV LIFT... and he just CRUSHES HIM RIGHT INTO THE MAT!!
DM: That was just SICKENING to look at...
EB: I know, right?
DT: Don’t you feel the SLIGHTEST bit of guilt for leaving him alone in there against two men who are both TWICE his weight?
EB: Look... the kid’s alright... but if he wants to take the high road and do it HIS way, then he needs to learn that there are some SERIOUS hurdles he has to overcome to get to where he wants to be.
DM: Ivan and Olvir are serious hurdles, alright!
MN: Hate to admit, but the stoner’s got a point. If this kid with the chip on his shoulder wants to walk tall in Empire Pro, then he better show he can hold his own... no matter WHO the opponent is!
DT: I guess we’ll just have to see how Impulse holds HIS own against the twin towers of Olvir Arsvinnar and Ivan Dalkichev! Olvir back in the ring... now he’s got Impulse right where he wants him!
DM: Olvir brings Impulse back off the mat... there’s the WHIP to the ropes... Impulse rebounds, and runs straight into a BIG BOOT TO THE FACE!!!
EB: Nothing but raw power, dude...
DT: Olvir with the COVER!
ONE!
TWO!!
THR -- NO!! Impulse KICKED OUT!!
DM: Impulse is still hanging in there, despite this beating... but how can he mount a comeback now? Especially now that he’s ALONE in the cage?
EB: Beats me, man... why don’t we just see what this kid is capable of taking?
DT: Impulse weakly trying to get off the mat... he’s hurt, but folks, he’s still TRYING! Olvir makes the tag back to Ivan... but he doesn’t leave right away!
DM: Oh man... both men take Impulse by the NECK... AND THEY DRIVE HIM STRAIGHT INTO THE MAT WITH THE DOUBLE CHOKESLAM!!
MN: Man, it’s just TOO EASY for these guys at this point! Somebody go in there and put the shrimp out of his misery already!
DM: There’s no telling how much more punishment Impulse can withstand before he doesn’t come back, but the giants look eager to finish this up!
EB: They’re ready to head back and hit that VICTORY BONG I got waiting for them!
DT: Dalkichev measuring up Impulse on the mat... he bounces off the ropes... INTO THE AIR WITH A BODY PRESS SLAM -- OH, IMPULSE JUST ROLLED OUT OF THE WAY AT THE LAST MOMENT!!
Crowd: *POP!!*
DM: He dodged a SERIOUS bullet there! Otherwise he would have been wearing the Raging Russian as a big FOUR-HUNDRED PLUS POUND BLANKET!!
EB: Yeah, being UNDER ‘Van cannot possibly be a good thing...
DT: Impulse a little slow to get up, but he knows he has a chance to move! Here he goes into the ropes for some momentum... Dalkichev BACK UP... dips his HEAD -- OH JESUS, HE JUST BARRELS OVER IMPULSE WITH A CHARGING BATTERING RAM!!
Crowd: “OOOOOOoohhh...”
DM: That was a violent collision of skulls, and Ivan had about twice more weight backing him up!
EB: If you ask me it was a rather CHRONIC collision... heh...
MN: For crying out loud...
DT: Impulse looks DEAD... I don’t know HOW anybody could come back from that! Here’s Ivan with the COVER!!
ONE!!
TWO!!
THR -- NO!! IMPULSE KICKS OUT!! How is he still DOING THAT?!
EB: I dunno, but this is starting to drag on, if you ask me!
DM: Maybe if you were still in the MATCH, you could do something about that?
EB: Nah... Olvir and Ivan are pretty close to wrapping this up, I think.
MN: I would certainly hope so! How hard it be to pin a SHRIMP like that? All either of these guys have to do is LAY on him!
DT: Many call Randall Knox “The Marathon Man”... and Impulse is certainly going the distance tonight, holding his own against the Colossal Connection! Ivan Dalkichev is visibly flustered now... but now he sees Olvir back in his corner, making the motion to finish him off!
DM: Impulse has GOT to do something now, or these guys are going to DESTROY him!
DT: What do the Colossal Connection have planned NOW? Olvir enters the ring and gets behind Ivan as the Raging Russian peels Impulse off the mat... but wait, IMPULSE CONTINUES TO FIGHT BACK!! There’s a lot of HEART in that young man, I tell you!
EB: Sure, sure... and if there was just a bit more MUSCLE, he might have a prayer.
Crowd: “IM-PULSE!! IM-PULSE!! IM-PULSE!! IM-PULSE!!”
DM: Impulse with some CHOPS into the large chest of “The Sonic Titan” to leave the behemoth stunned... but Ivan ROCKS HIM with a big left-handed chop of his own! Just like that, all chances of Impulse making a comeback are cut off... and now here’s Dalkichev scooping him up! Olvir is standing behind him, ready to go... what is about to HAPPEN HERE?!
DT: Ivan with a FALLAWAY SLAM -- OH WOW, OLVIR SNATCHES HIM OUT OF THE AIR, AND PULVERIZES HIM RIGHT INTO THE MAT WITH A POWERSLAM!!
Crowd: “OOOOOoooohhh....”
MN: Good night, and good luck in all your future endeavors, kid!
EB: Impulse just got a taste of NORTHERN EXPOSURE! It ain’t pretty, but it gets the job done...
DT: This is just OVERKILL at this point! Impulse is unmoving on the mat, and Olvir Arsvinnar SMUGLY pins him with a BOOT pressed down over the chest!
ONE!
TWO!!
NO!! IMPULSE KICKS OUT YET AGAIN!!
MN: What is this kid’s DEAL?!
DM: Impulse simply REFUSES to give up! I honestly can’t believe he KICKED OUT of that devastating tandem move, although Olvir Arsvinnar should have properly PINNED him!
EB: Believe me, he’s just making it worse for himself...
[Olvir and Ivan look in stunned silence as Impulse weakly struggles on the mat at their feet. Olvir gestures to Ivan to hit him again, but the Raging Russian simply shakes his head and points to the door...]
DT: The Colossal Connection look to be headed for the cage door! It’s good to know they’re at least MERCIFUL enough to end this match without having to punish Impulse any further!
EB: Hey, they may be brutes, but they’re not BARBARIANS. It’s pretty clear at this point Impulse ain’t coming back, so --
DM: Don’t speak so SOON, Erik! Impulse sees them leaving, and now he’s FORCING HIMSELF back up! He’s NOT OUT OF IT YET!!
MN: He’s just BEGGING to get killed in there...
DT: Ivan stepping through the door now, and Olvir waits for his turn... but Impulse CATCHES HIM BY THE LEG FROM BEHIND!!
DM: Olvir is TOO SURPRISED TO REACT... and Impulse SWEEPS HIM DOWN TO THE MAT!! Impulse wrapping the leg around... HE’S GOING FOR THE FIGURE-FOUR LEGLOCK!!
EB: Kid’s got MOXY!
DT: Olvir is HOWLING in pain as Impulse clinches the hold! I honestly thought there was NO coming back from that last move, but somehow, he’s suddenly turned things around back in his favor!
DM: But it won’t last long, Dave... Ivan saw what happened before he cleared through the cage door, and now he comes back to break things up! Dalkichev dropping some HUGE boots into the chest of Impulse, but “The Marathon Man” REFUSES to break the hold!
DT: And now Ivan is reaching down and PRYING HIM OFF his tag partner! Finally, Impulse is pulled free... but I think without a couple hundred pounds of difference in weight, he could have held on for ALL NIGHT if he wanted to!
MN: What a nagging LEECH of a wrestler! When he’s clearly outmatched, he just resorts to clinging to your LEG...
DM: Olvir trying to get to his feet now as Ivan struggles with Impulse, who is FIERCLY fighting back with everything he’s got! But now the Viking Violator is up and ANGRY!
EB: Olvir’s in KILL MODE now!
DT: Olvir locks his arms and CHARGES FORWARD WITH THE MJOLNIR BLOW --
SFX: *CLONK!!*
Crowd: *POP!!!*
DT: IMPULSE DUCKED!! IMPULSE DUCKED AND OLVIR CAUGHT IVAN RIGHT IN THE FACE!!
EB: OH MAN... that wasn’t supposed to happen!
DM: Ivan Dalkichev is OUT!! Olvir TURNS AROUND --
SFX: *SMACK!!*
Crowd: *POP!!!*
DM: -- HOLY SUPERKICK, BATMAN!! Impulse NAILS HIM WITH THE SUDDEN IMPACT!!
EB: Holy CRAP, dude!
MN: YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!!
DT: Olvir DROPS TO THE MAT, and Impulse COLLAPSES over his chest for the COVER!!
ONE!!
TWO!!
THREEEE!!!
Crowd: *POP!!!*
SFX: *DING! DING! DING!*
[CUE UP: “Revolution Baby” by Queen V. Andrew Gardell assists Impulse in rising off the mat as he pumps a fist and smiles to the cheering Empire Pro fans surrounding him. On the mat, a stunned and bloody-nosed Ivan Dalkichev wears an expression of absolute SHOCK.]
TF: Ladies and gentlemen, here are your winners... “DOPESMOKER” ERIK BLACK... and IIIIMMPPUUUULLLLSSSSEEEE!!!
DT: I can HARDLY BELIEVE IT!! We knew we’d be seeing David take on Goliath tonight, but I doubt ANYBODY expected David to overcome TWO Goliaths in the CAGE! And yet it has happened! Randall Knox -- the man known as IMPULSE -- has overcome the odds and defeated the Colossal Connection!
DM: What do you think of THAT, Erik?
[CUT TO: The stunned expression on “Dopesmoker” Erik Black’s face, sitting at the commentary table.]
EB: Wow, dude... totally didn’t expect that to happen. Like so many times I have experimented with certain substances, my overall perspective has been changed here tonight...
MN: Must really change your perspective on your buddies, huh? As big and bad as they are, they couldn’t even beat a SHRIMP like that when he was on his OWN!
EB: I dunno, Neels... if what we just saw here proved anything, it’s that there’s more to this Impulse guy than meets the eye. But hey, I can dig it. It’s good to know there’s something new to learn every day.
DT: So you’re not disappointed?
EB: Don’t really think I have a choice in the matter anymore. I guess I’m just along for the ride...
[Rising from his seat at commentary, Black drops the headset and goes back to the cage door to reenter the ring. Inside, a beaten Olvir and Ivan discuss what went wrong as Impulse continues to celebrate. Suddenly, the victors come face to face. After a tense moment, Black offers his hand once again to offer congratulations and Impulse willingly takes it, also shaking hands with his humbled and deeply apologetic opponents.]
DT: Good to see that “Dopesmoker” Erik Black and the Colossal Connection were willing to swallow their pride and admit a humbling defeat here tonight at the hands of this young and exciting newcomer!
DM: Impulse was all business tonight, and he made it clear from the beginning that he would send a MESSAGE in this match! I don’t know about you gentlemen, but I could hear it clearly!
MN: Well I couldn’t. All I could hear were these idiot fans screaming over everything. And really, Dean, if you’re hearing things, you need to get help, or something.
DT: We just witnessed a huge upset... not to mention, an incredible turn of events. Impulse has made his first statement here tonight on Aggression, and more first round matches of the King of the Cage tournament are still to come! We need to take a commercial break right now, ladies and gentlemen, but stay tuned for more action!
[The camera fades out as Impulse continues celebrating in the cage, while Black, Dalkichev, and Arsvinnar head back to the locker room.]
