MAIN EVENT: KOTC Tag Edition - 2nd Rd.: Stalker/Shane vs. Impulse/Black vs. Heirs (c)
DT: Well, here we are, EPW fans – tonight’s main event!
DM: Before we get to that, what do you think of the Masked Violators?
MN: Brilliant, pretty much.
DM: I say anyone who answers a challenge from those two should be careful. Men in masks cannot be trusted.
MN: Snazzy dressers, though.
DM: Well, up next the EPW Tag Team Titles are on the line in a unique triple threat steel cage match, the semifinals of the King of the Cage tournament! And this looks to be the greatest challenge the Heirs of Wrestling have faced since capturing the EPW Tag Team Titles from Anthology in May of last year!
MN: Ordinarily, I’d say the Heirs have this one in the bag, but with the likes of Stalker to contend with in this one, not to mention the anything-goes nature of the steel cage match, who knows?
DT: Let’s get to the ring!
SFX: Ding! Ding!
TF: Ladies and gentlemen, the following matchup is tonight’s maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain event! And it is for the EPW Tag Team Titles!
Crowd: [Pop]
TF: The matchup is a tag team contest that will take place under triple threat rules. The winning team will be the team that scores the first pinfall or submission, or whose members both escape the cage. However, the titles may only change hands in the event of a pinfall or submission!
[CUE UP: “Revolution Baby” by Queen V]
Crowd: [Pop]
Queen V: Left! Left! Left right left! Left! Left! Left right left! Oww!
[Impulse and Calico Rose step through the curtains as the song’s main lyrics kick in. Impulse gives the crowd a nod as he limbers up, then heads down to the ring, slapping the outstretched hands of the fans lining the entranceway]
TF: Introducing first, one of the challengers! Accompanied to the ring by Calico Rose, from New York City! Weighing in at 188 pounds, the Marathon Man, Iiiiiiiiiimpulllllllllse!
DM: Impulse is a decidedly scientific wrestler, but this is not going to be a scientific match! We’ll see how he is able to adapt his style for it!
MN: Are you kidding? He won’t have a clue what to do in there!
[Impulse hops up the steps, the cage once again lowered following the triple threat match just finished, and steps through the cage door and into the ring. He raises a fist in the air for the crowd, drawing another pop]
[CUE UP: “Holy Mountain” by Sleep. Fog billows out from the entryway. As the drums, bass and vocals kick in, Erik Black steps through the curtains, breathing out a plume of smoke and smiling goofily. Black, with “Geezer” in tow, begins his strut to the ring to the boos of the fans]
TF: And his tag team partner! From Indianapolis, Indiana! Weighing in at 221 pounds, Erik Black, the Dooooooooopesmokerrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
DM: You want to talk about not having a clue in there, I have to think Erik Black is going to be even more confused than Impulse in this kind of match!
MN: No way! The Dopesmoker thrives on chaos! Uh, among other things.
[Black heads up the steps and into the ring. He ascends one of the turnbuckles and poses with “Geezer” as the cameras catch Impulse casting a skeptical glance in his tag team partner’s direction]
[CUE UP: “Did My Time” by Korn. The video monitor goes black as the music starts, but the entrance ramp remains empty, the boos of the crowd quickly giving way to murmuring]
DT: It looks like we may be short one competitor in this one! Where is Stalker?
[After a few more seconds of ambiguity, Stalker brusquely pushes his way through the curtains, bandaged up and visibly hurting from his encounter with Anarky earlier. Stalker stumbles down to the ring, trying to shake out the cobwebs]
TF: And from the other challenger team! Weighing 224 pounds, Staaaaaaaalkerrrrrrrrrr!
MN: I know Stalker can take more punishment than just about anybody out there, but this hardly seems fair! He can’t be expected to compete at 100 percent after the beating he took from Anarky earlier!
DM: Nobody forced him to provoke Anarky! If you ask me, he got exactly what he deserved!
[Stalker hops up the steps and staggers into the ring, then leans against one of the turnbuckles opposite Black and Impulse]
[CUE UP: “Power” by Kanye West. After 15 seconds of chanting, the lights go down and fountain pyro starts at the right side of the stage, moving to the left and back to the right. As the lyrics start, Steven Shane rises up out of the stage. With the lift finished, Shane heads down to the ring, acknowledging the cheers of the crowd]
TF: And his tag team partner! From Hollywood, California! Weighing 253 pounds, Sensationalllllllll Stevennnnnnnn Shaaaaaaaaaaane!
DM: Steven Shane showing determination, but with his tag team partner impaired, who knows what strategy he might have going into this one?
MN: Ordinarily, I would say his strategy is to stand back and let Stalker take care of these fools, but unfortunately for me, I may have to actually see him participate!
[Shane heads into the ring and poses for the crowd on one of the turnbuckles. Stalker doesn’t even really acknowledge him, instead keeping his eyes trained on Impulse and Black]
Voice/Over: I’M RICH, BIATCH!
[CUE UP: “The Sh*t” by Danger Mouse and Jemini. Red, blue and gold lights flash through the arena in tune with the music. Alexandria Malone steps through the curtains, heralding the entrance of the Heirs of Wrestling, who step into the entranceway with a spotlight on them. Ryan Gallway, Frank Pierce and Mack Brody head down the entrance ramp to the ring – Gallway trash-talking the fans, Pierce blowing off the boos of the crowd and Brody checking himself out in a compact mirror]
TF: And making their way to the ring now, accompanied by Alexandria Malone! From a quiet spring residence in Seattle, Washington! They are the EPW Tag Team Champions! At a total combined weight of 445 pounds, the Heeeiiiiiiiiirs of Wresssssssssstlinnnnnnng!
DT: I’ve been told it will be Frank Pierce and Ryan Gallway wrestling this one.
DM: But I’m sure they’ll have plenty of support outside the ring in the form of the 320-pounder, Mack Brody!
[Gallway and Pierce both hop into the cage at roughly the same time, prepared for any concerted attack on them, but they go untouched as referee Pat Jones keeps the competitors separated so he can explain the rules]
SFX: Ding! Ding!
DT: And here we go! Things are devolving into chaos already!
DM: I wouldn’t be so sure about that! There’s some order to this chaos – all four challengers have zeroed in on the Heirs of Wrestling! The champions are the immediate targets in this one!
MN: No surprises there! This kind of matchup stacks the odds against the champions! It’s hardly fair!
DM: Mike, just seconds ago you were complaining that this match wasn’t fair to Stalker.
MN: It’s not fair to any of the people who don’t disgust me!
DT: Gallway and Pierce are down on the mat, and Stalker, Dopesmoker and Shane are stomping away at them! Impulse participated in the initial attack, but he’s backing off now – instinct told him to target the champions, but I don’t think he likes the idea of a gang beating!
DM: And now Impulse grabs Stalker and spins him around! A hard chop, and Stalker goes down! Impulse dragging Stalker away from the fray, and slams him headfirst into the turnbuckle! Impulse now laying into Stalker with chops!
DT: Meanwhile, Black has decided to let Steven Shane continue the attack on the Heirs! He’s going after … he’s not going after anyone! The Dopesmoker is just walking away from the action!
MN: Now there’s a smart man! And you said he’d be confused in this one.
DM: But Steven Shane isn’t going to have any of that! Shane walks away from the Heirs – and levels Dopesmoker with a clothesline as he turns around! Shane now whips Black to the buckle, charges in and nails him with another clothesline! Shane sends Black to the ropes, and a biiiiiiig back body drop!
DT: Meanwhile, Impulse pulls Stalker out of the corner, hooks him up and there’s a snap suplex! Impulse floats over into a cover!
One!
Two!
And Steven Shane pulls Impulse off the cover!
DM: Impulse turning his attention to Shane – but there’s Erik Black from behind, and he nails Shane with a knee to the back! Black with shots to the face of Shane, and now with kicks to the midsection! Shane catches a kick – and an enzuigiri by Black!
DT: Impulse, meanwhile, goes back to work on Stalker! Impulse wrenches the arm around, and again! But Stalker with a rake of the eyes!
MN: About time one of these guys remembered there are no DQs in a cage match!
DT: Stalker off the ropes, but he runs into an armdrag from Impulse! Stalker back up, and another armdrag! Stalker up again, misses with a clothesline, Impulse grabs him from behind and a neckbreaker! Impulse with a cover!
One!
Two!
And Stalker is up!
DM: Over on the other side of things, Black is kicking and stomping away at Shane in the corner! Black pulls Shane up to his feet, off the ropes – and runs right into a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker from Shane! Shane covers!
One!
Two!
And Impulse drags Shane off of his tag partner!
DT: Shane up to his feet now – and he’s staring down Impulse! Everyone else in the ring is down! And listen to this crowd! They want to see these two mix it up!
MN: Of course, they would want to see the two most boring fight!
DM: “Most boring?” You would have a tough time finding two more technically sound wrestlers on the EPW roster!
MN: Exactly! Boring!
DT: Impulse and Shane are circling each other, and this crowd definitely approves! Collar-and-elbow tie-up right in the center of the ring!
MN: And Stalker breaks it up with a clubbing forearm right to the back of Impulse! Ha! So much for that!
Crowd: [Boo!]
DM: And before Shane can react, there’s Black with a chopblock! Black now with stomps to Shane as Stalker chokes Impulse against the ropes! Pat Jones is trying to get Stalker to break the chokehold, but there are no disqualifications!
DT: Black off the ropes as Shane regains his footing, and there’s a spinning heel kick! Stalker, over on the other side, pulls Impulse away from the ropes, and there’s a fisherman buster!
DM: And now Stalker and the Dopesmoker are locking eyes!
MN: Now this should at least be interesting! The Fallen explodes!
DM: And Black just gives a “screw this” wave! He’s going to try to climb out of the cage!
Crowd: [Boo!]
DT: But Stalker’s having none of that! Black hasn’t even got a foot on the bars of the cage, and Stalker pulls him back into a Russian legsweep! Stalker floats over and lays a chokehold on Black! Pat Jones again admonishing Stalker, but he knows full well he can’t be disqualified!
MN: Doesn’t Pat Jones have anything better to do with his time than try to enforce rules that don’t apply to the match? Like, I don’t know, spend some quality time with his son? <i>Oh wait.</i>
DM: That’s low, Mike.
DT: Stalker hauls the Dopesmoker up to his feet, and there’s a knee to the gut! And another! Stalker with a standing headscissors on Black, and … big powerbomb by Stalker! Stalker holds it for a pin attempt!
One!
Two!
No! Black able to kick out!
DM: But Stalker still has hold of the legs, and he could be going for a sharpshooter here! No, Black with a rake of the eyes! Stalker staggers away, Black off the ropes and there’s a bulldog! And Black, wasting no time, is back up to his feet, trying to get out of the cage! He’s climbing up!
DT: But Stalker stops him again! Stalker grabs Black – and slams him back into the center of the ring!
DM: Stalker with a kick to the midsection, and he hooks up Black for the Evenflow DDT! This could be it!
DT: No! Impulse pulls Stalker off from behind, and there’s a reverse DDT!
MN: Leave it to Impulse to ruin a perfectly good Evenflow!
DM: Black shaking the cobwebs out, but he backs up right into Shane – and there’s a reverse DDT from Shane! Reverse DDTs in stereo, and the Dopesmoker and Stalker are both down!
DT: And it looks like the fans might get their wish from earlier, as it’s just Steven Shane and Impulse standing now!
Crowd: [Pop]
DM: Shane and Impulse circling, and another collar-and-elbow tie-up! Shane with a standing headlock on Impulse, backed to the ropes, pushed off and a shoulderblock by Shane on the rebound! Shane off the ropes, Impulse drops to the mat, off the ropes again, leapfrog by Impulse, Shane on the rebound and there’s a hiptoss by Impulse!
DT: This is not the sort of action I would have expected in a steel cage match, but left to their own devices, this is exactly the kind of match Steven Shane and Impulse would want to have!
MN: Well, at least I can take comfort in the fact that this action has a time limit!
DT: Shane is up, off the ropes again and another hiptoss by Impulse! Impulse keeps hold of the arm, and a standing arm grapevine! Shane back up to his feet, reverses into a crowbar! Impulse trying to break the hold – into the corner, and Impulse climbs up the turnbuckle and backflips over Shane! What a counter!
DM: And Impulse with a German suplex!
One!
Two!
Shoulder up by Shane!
DT: Shane up to his feet, and there’s an inverted atomic drop by Impulse! Impulse off the ropes, and a high cross-body!
One!
Two!
Kickout by Shane!
DM: Listen to this crowd! They’re going nuts!
MN: I’m with them – this is driving me nuts too!
DT: Impulse with Shane backed to the ropes, Irish whip reversed by Shane, Shane with a clothesline and Impulse counters into a crucifix!
One!
Two!
No! Shane breaks free!
DM: Both men to their feet, and Impulse with a huracanrana to Shane! Impulse hauls Shane back to his feet, kick to the midsection, hooks the arms and there’s a double underhook suplex! Impulse into a cover, hooks the leg!
One!
Two!
No! Shane gets the shoulder up!
DT: Shane getting back to his feet, and there’s Impulse off the ropes – right into a huge spinebuster by Shane! Shane shakes out the cobwebs, and there’s the cover!
One!
Two!
No! Impulse with the kickout!
DM: Shane now pulls Stalker up to his feet, sidewalk slam – connects! Another cover by Shane!
One!
Two!
And Impulse kicks out again!
DT: Shane getting back to his feet, but there’s Erik Black! Black nailing Shane with right hands!
MN: For a minute there, I was afraid everyone was afraid to throw a punch!
DT: Black off the ropes with a cross-body – but Shane catches him! Shane drops Black feet-first to the mat, and there’s the Westside Connection!
DM: Shane not going for a cover, though! He’s turning his attention back to Impulse! Shane hooks up Impulse, looking for the California Dream, but Impulse counters with a jawbreaker!
MN: Great. This again.
DT: Impulse turning his attention back to Shane, but there’s Stalker! Stalker with a shot to the throat of Impulse, and now a kick to the midsection! Stalker looking for the Evenflow DDT again!
DM: But Impulse twists the arm, counters out, and there’s a knee to the midsection of Stalker! Impulse hooks the head of Stalker and plants him into the mat with a kickswing DDT!
MN: And look at this! He’s not going for the cover either! He’s going right back to Shane! What is with these guys?
DM: Impulse grabs Shane in a cobra clutch – no! A cobra clutch suplex! What a move by Impulse! A cover!
One!
Two!
Kickout by Shane!
DT: Shane back to his feet, and a standing dropkick by Impulse – caught! Shane looking for the California Clutch! But Impulse kicks him off! Both men to their feet, and Impulse with the Sudden Impact!
DM: No! Shane catches the foot, spins Impulse around, hooks him up – California Dream to Impulse! Shane now back to his feet and awaiting Impulse – he’s looking for the Sweet Chin Music! If he hits it, this one could be—
DT: And Shane is blindsided by Frank Pierce with a huge lariat!
DM: Ryan Gallway is up as well, and both Heirs of Wrestling are taking turns kicking at Shane! Have they been playing possum this whole time?
MN: Isn’t it obvious, Matthews? Their opponents took an unfair advantage of them, and now they have the unfair advantage with everyone else in the ring wiped out! I told you these guys were smart!
DT: Gallway with a standing side headlock on Shane, gets a running start and a bulldog onto the knee of Pierce!
DM: The Dopesmoker up to his feet now, and he walks right into a bearhug from Pierce! Gallway to the second rope, and he nails Black with a clothesline!
DT: Impulse up to his feet now, and he lays into Pierce with a chop! And another! But Gallway nails Impulse with a stiff kick to the back, and Pierce puts him down with a clubbing blow! Pierce over into a camel clutch, Gallway off the ropes and a dropkick right to the face of Impulse!
MN: I love it! They’re picking them off one by one!
DM: Stalker now up, and Pierce hooks him up for a Flatliner! Gallway with the standing enzuigiri, and – Coronation! Coronation by the Heirs of Wrestling! And the Tag Team Champions have just laid waste to all their opponents!
Crowd: [Boo!]
DT: Pierce and Gallway in the center of the ring, it looks like they’re setting up for something, and – oh, that’s just great, four middle fingers for all four of their opponents!
MN: They’re showing all of them just how effective their strategy was!
DM: What they’re doing is wasting time, Mike, that they could spend going for a pinfall or escaping the cage!
MN: Well, you’re about to eat your words, Matthews, because they’re climbing out of the cage now!
DT: Gallway and Pierce both ascending the cage, looking to get out of there before the challengers know what hit them! They’re already halfway up!
DM: They could be about to steal this one! And look at Alexandria and Brody cheering them on from outside!
MN: “Steal?” If this is how they win the match, they’ll be winning it fair and square! No DQs in a cage match, remember?
DT: But wait! Impulse is up, and he’s following the Heirs to the top! He’s not about to give up without a fight!
DM: Impulse has grabbed the legs of both Heirs, and they’re trying to kick him away, but they’ve only got so much leverage! And now Erik Black is climbing up after them as well!
DT: Black is up alongside Pierce, firing hard shots to the side, and Impulse is between the two Heirs, trying to pull both of them off the cage!
MN: The Dopesmoker is climbing even faster than the Heirs! Where is he getting his strength—oh wait, right.
DT: Black is almost on top of the cage, and he’s kicking at the face of Pierce! Impulse has turned his attention to Gallway, and Gallway is trying to hang on, but Impulse – Impulse pulls him off! And Gallway just landed groin-first on the top rope!
MN: Ohhhh, you hate to see that!
DM: For once, Mike, I actually agree with you!
DT: Black slams Pierce’s head into the cage! And again! And a third time! And the big man … tumbles back into the ring! A hard landing for Frank Pierce!
DM: And now Impulse and the Dopesmoker are in prime position to win this one! All they have to do is climb out of the cage!
DT: But what’s this? Black looking to go over, but Impulse is telling him not to! He knows that if they win by escaping, they won’t win the titles! Impulse climbing down the cage back into the ring!
MN: What is he thinking? He’s got as easy a path to victory as he’ll ever get!
DM: And what’s Black doing? Black is perched atop the cage! Black pointing to the ring – as Steven Shane is getting back to his feet! The Dopesmoker may have something suicidal in mind!
Crowd: [Pop]
DT: Black steadies himself on top of the cage wall and … climbs down the other side?
Crowd: [Boo!]
DM: That coward! I can’t believe it! Black is climbing down to the floor, and there’s no one to stop him! He’s out!
MN: Hey, he had to make an executive decision!
DM: But both members of the team have to escape in order to be declared the winners! Black just abandoned his tag team partner!
DT: Black is shouting at Impulse to follow him out, but to no avail! Impulse is back in the ring, and he’s refusing to win by escape!
MN: Does he realize he’s at a four-to-one disadvantage? He’s going to get killed in there!
DM: And Black just shrugs his shoulders! He’s walking out! What is he thinking?
DT: Impulse turns back to the ring, and Steven Shane is right there waiting for him!
MN: This again? Really?
DT: Impulse and Shane prepare to lock up, but no! Stalker out of nowhere drops Impulse with a big clothesline! And Stalker now stomps away at the downed Impulse!
DM: I’m not sure Shane knows what to do here! He doesn’t want to double-team Impulse, but he’s not about to turn on his own tag team partner, even if that partner is Stalker!
MN: <i>Especially</i> if that partner is Stalker!
DT: Shane now turns his attention to Pierce as Stalker hooks up Impulse – and there’s a reverse suplex! Cover by Stalker!
One!
Two!
No! Impulse with the kickout!
DM: And over on the other side, Shane has locked in a figure-four on Pierce! If Pierce gives up, this one is over!
DT: Stalker pulls Impulse up and nails him with a front Russian legsweep! Another cover by Stalker! The leg is hooked!
One!
Two!
Again, Impulse kicks out!
DM: Meanwhile, Pierce is trying to make it to the ropes – though I don’t know how much good that’s going to do, as it’s not like Steven Shane can be disqualified for not releasing the hold!
MN: Maybe not, but you can’t win by submission if your opponent is in the ropes! If he doesn’t release the hold, he can punish Pierce, but he can’t beat him!
DT: Over on the other side, Stalker with a bodyslam to Impulse, and he’s climbing to the top rope! Stalker off the top … moonsault! Stalker hooks the leg!
One!
Two!
Th-no! No! Impulse hangs on! Stalker can’t believe it!
DM: He may not need to score the pinfall if Shane can get Pierce to tap out! Pierce is fading fast – and Gallway soars off the top rope with a flying legdrop right to the head of Shane! Where did he come from?
DT: Gallway covers!
One!
Two!
No! Stalker breaks the pin!
DM: Stalker drags Gallway to his feet, but there’s a rake of the eyes by Gallway! Gallway off the ropes and drills Stalker with a flying double knee!
MN: It’s called the Tea Bag, Matthews. You can say it!
DM: I like my version better.
DT: Gallway now spots Impulse down over in the corner, and now he’s up to the top rope! Gallway off the top – Gates of Europa! Gallway with the cover!
One!
Two!
No! Shane pulls Gallway off of Impulse!
DM: Shane hauls Gallway to his feet and nails him with a belly-to-belly suplex! Shane looking for a cover, but Gallway rolled over and got tangled in the ropes! Shane … Shane now heading for Impulse! Shane looking for the California Clutch – and he’s got it!
MN: This is the second time Shane has tried to win this one by submission! His only hope is that Impulse gives up quickly, and even I doubt that’s going to happen!
DT: But Shane was smart, and he’s positioned Impulse away from the ropes! I don’t know how Impulse is going to get out of this one! And Stalker is still down after that attack from Gallway! Impulse has nowhere to go!
DM: Wait! Pierce is up! Pierce off the ropes, and he nails Shane with the Sliding P to break the hold! What a shot by Pierce! Pierce grabs Shane and chucks him through the ropes into the cage!
DT: Pierce now turning his attention to Impulse, who hasn’t been able to garner any offense against this onslaught! Pierce with a half nelson – and there’s the Break-Your-Damn-Backbreaker! Pierce covers!
One!
Two!
And Stalker breaks a pin with a kick to the head of Pierce! Stalker now off the ropes with a dropkick to the face of Pierce!
MN: Stalker’s dragging Impulse to his feet! Could we finally see it?
DT: <i>Evenflow!</i>
DM: Stalker with the Evenflow DDT to Impulse! Stalker covers!
One!
Two!
Thr-no! No! Gallway dives in at the last second to break the pin!
DT: Gallway hammering away at Stalker with right hands! Gallway now off the ropes with a flying clothesline! Stalker up to his feet, Gallway with a kick to the midsection, but it’s caught by Stalker! Enzuigiri!
DM: No! Stalker ducked the enzuigiri and Gallway landed flat on his face! Gallway back to his feet – a kick to the midsection by Stalker and <i>Evenflow!</i>
MN: Number two!
DM: Stalker into a cover on Gallway!
One!
No! Pierce pulls Stalker off Gallway into a gutwrench position! Pivots around and … <i>F-Bomb</i> to Stalker!
DT: Pierce covers Stalker! Hooks the leg!
One!
Two!
Thr-no! Shane makes the save!
DM: Shane with shots to the back of Pierce, but Pierce knocks him away with a back elbow! Pierce off the ropes, Shane off the ropes from the other side, and a double clothesline puts both men down!
DT: Look at the mass of humanity in the ring! All five men are down!
MN: This is exactly the kind of beating Erik Black was wise to avoid!
DM: What are you talking about, Mike? If Erik Black were still in this match, he could cover any one of these men right now for the win!
DT: Wait a minute! Look at that! Look who’s stirring!
Crowd: [Pop]
DM: I can’t believe it! Impulse is up! Impulse is back to his feet! He took a hell of a beating, but Impulse held on, and now he’s the only man standing!
MN: If he had a brain in his head, he’d say “to hell with this” and climb out of that cage right now!
DM: Impulse is in this one to win it, Mike, and he’s only willing to win by pinfall or submission! Gallway slowly regaining his own footing – <i>Sudden Impact!</i> Gallway is down!
DT: Stalker up to his feet, and a Sudden Impact for Stalker as well! Impulse is cleaning house! Impulse now spots Pierce getting up to his feet! Sudden Impact – no, Pierce ducks under it! Pierce with a kick to the midsection! Looking for the F-Bomb – but Impulse counters with a huracanrana!
DM: Impulse off the ropes! Pierce catches him, looking for a spinebuster, but Impulse spikes him right on his head with a hell of a DDT! And this crowd is loving it!
MN: Ugh, where were they when the Heirs of Wrestling were in control? Now that, I was enjoying!
DT: Impulse back to his feet – but Steven Shane’s got him from behind! Shane with a German suplex! He holds the bridge!
One!
Two!
No! Impulse breaks free!
DM: Shane scoops up Impulse, but Impulse slides down the back! Impulse hooks the arms – dragon suplex!
One!
Two!
Th-no! Shane kicks out!
DT: Impulse off the ropes and drops Shane with a swinging neckbreaker! Impulse with a running start, springboards off the second rope and an Asai moonsault! Impulse hooks the leg!
One!
Two!
Thr-no! And again Shane is barely able to hang on!
DM: Don’t tell me you’re not enjoying this, Mike.
MN: You can’t be sure!
DT: Impulse waiting for Shane to regain his footing – looking for the Sudden Impact! But Shane catches the foot, spins Impulse around! Impulse misses with a clothesline, and now Shane with the Sweet Chin Music!
DM: No, wait! Impulse ducks under it! Impulse kicks out the leg, and Shane drops to his knees! Impulse drops down with him – and locks in the Message!
DT: And that is not a good place to be! It can be a tough hold to apply, but once it’s locked in, it is very difficult to break! Steven Shane has nowhere to go!
DM: But I have to imagine he won’t tap out easily!
MN: Look at this, though! While those two are waging honorable combat or whatever, the Heirs of Wrestling are about to pull a fast one! Pierce has dragged Gallway over to the opposite side of the cage, and they’re both trying to climb out!
DT: Impulse is facing the opposite way – he can’t see them trying to escape the cage!
MN: Oh, wouldn’t it be glorious if they got out and won the match while those other two were busy worrying about submission holds?
DM: They could pull a fast one, Mike, but it’s a calculated risk – if Shane submits before they both hit the ground, this match is over and they’re no longer the Tag Team Champions!
DT: The Heirs of Wrestling are clearly willing to take that risk, as they’re both looking to climb out! Impulse and Shane can’t see it, and they have other things on their minds besides!
DM: Gallway is dragging after that Sudden Impact, but Pierce is almost at the top!
DT: Shane is hanging on in the Message, but he can’t have much left! Pierce is at the top, he’s got one leg over! Who will win this race?
MN: No one! Stalker is up!
DM: Stalker, with a stiff kick to the face of Impulse, breaks the Message! Stalker now over to the Heirs, and he yanks Gallway’s legs out from under him, guillotining him on the top rope! And now Stalker is climbing up after Pierce!
DT: Pierce is halfway out of the cage, and it looks like he doesn’t want to go back in! But I don’t think he’s willing to abandon Gallway like Erik Black abandoned Impulse!
DM: Stalker is now up to Pierce! Pierce kicking away at Stalker, but Stalker catches his leg and rams it into the side of the cage! Stalker climbing, and now he’s at the top as well! Stalker and Pierce are both trading blows, straddling the cage!
DT: Stalker is trying to push Pierce off the cage and back into the ring, but Pierce nails him with a headbutt! Pierce with an elbow to the side of the head, and it looks like he’s trying to knock Stalker to the floor! Another elbow, and Stalker slips to the outside of the cage, though he’s hanging on!
DM: Pierce now slams Stalker’s head into the cage! And again! A third time!
MN: Just let go, Stalker, and save yourself the beating! Let Shane fend for himself!
DM: Pierce rams the head into the cage wall once again, and Stalker loses his grip! Stalker falls – no, wait! Stalker caught himself on the side of the cage! And it looks like he’s trying to climb back in!
MN: I don’t think he’s trying to save Steven Shane, I think he just wants to beat on Impulse and the Heirs of Wrestling some more!
DT: Oh! Gallway with a running start just kicked Stalker’s legs out from under him through the bars of the cage! Stalker drops to the floor! Stalker’s out!
DM: Stalker’s not happy about it, but out is out! He’s got to rely on Steven Shane for the rest of this one!
DT: Pierce is climbing back into the cage! The Heirs of Wrestling have the advantage!
DM: Pierce drags Shane to his feet while Gallway picks up Impulse! Both Heirs are laying into challengers in the corners with kicks! Now a double Irish whip—
DT: But Impulse leapfrogs Shane! Impulse nails Pierce with a spinning heel kick, and Shane drops Gallway with a clothesline!
DM: Shane and Impulse just locked eyes – and I think they just got the same idea!
Crowd: [Pop]
MN: Oh, come on, Heirs! Don’t subject me to this! Do something!
DT: Impulse and Shane with stereo kicks to the midsection of Pierce – and a double vertical suplex! With Gallway to his feet now, off the ropes and a double back body drop sends Gallway crashing to the canvas!
MN: And there’s a hard right by Shane right to the face of Impulse! I love it!
DM: Impulse fires back with a chop! Another right by Shane, another chop by Impulse! These two fan favorites are trading blows in the middle of the ring!
DT: Shane with a European uppercut! Shane off the ropes – right into a dropkick from Impulse! Impulse with the cover!
One!
Two!
Kickout by Shane!
DM: Impulse off the ropes without a second to lose! Sunset flip on Shane!
One!
Two!
Shane kicks out again!
DT: Shane up to his feet, and nails Impulse with a kick to the midsection! DDT by Shane! Shane covers, hooks the leg!
One!
Two!
No! Impulse gets the shoulder up!
DM: Shane scoops up Impulse! He’s looking for the Westside Connection! But Impulse slides down! Back suplex by Impulse! He’s got a bridge!
One!
Two!
Shane rolls the shoulder out!
DT: Impulse is waiting for Shane to get up! I think he’s about to deliver that Sudden Impact he didn’t get to deliver earlier! Shane dragging himself up to his feet—
MN: <i>Ascension!</i>
DT: The Heirs of Wrestling out of nowhere with the Ascension to Impulse! Impulse was so focused on Shane that he didn’t see the Heirs sneaking up behind him!
DM: Shane is up to his feet, and the Heirs grab him and chuck him face-first into the cage! Shane is down! Impulse is down! And the Heirs of Wrestling are looking to make another “ascension” – out of the cage!
MN: Even your terrible pun can’t ruin my mood, Matthews!
DM: Pierce and Gallway on their way up the cage! Shane and Impulse aren’t moving, and this time, Stalker can’t factor in! But he’s certainly outside the cage, screaming at Shane to get up!
DT: The Heirs are at the top! Alexandria and Brody are cheering them on! All the Tag Team Champions have to do is make it over to the other side!
DM: But Shane is stirring in the ring! Shane is crawling – away from the Heirs? What’s he doing?
MN: He’s taken so many blows to the head tonight, he probably doesn’t even know!
DM: Wait, look! He’s crawling toward Impulse! If Shane pins Impulse before the Heirs reach the floor, the Heirs lose the titles!
DT: The Heirs are almost over the top! But Alexandria is screaming at them that Shane is about to win the match! Pierce and Gallway are now talking furiously!
DM: What’s their plan here? Pierce is still climbing down, but Gallway is … Gallway is steadying himself on the top of the cage! Don’t tell me!
DT: Shane throws an arm over Impulse! Impulse’s shoulders are down!
One!
Gallway off the top of the cage with a Superfly Splash!
Crowd: [Pop]
DM: <i>And Shane moved!</i>
MN: No! I mean, at least he got Impulse, but no!
DM: Shane rolled out of the way at the last second, and the cage-top splash meant for both Shane and Impulse just flattened Impulse! Pierce is almost to the floor, and he’s climbing back up!
DT: No he’s not! Stalker just pulled him off the cage to the floor! Pierce is out!
DM: And inside the ring, Shane is looking for Sweet Chin Music! Gallway slow to get to his feet!
MN: And now Stalker and Mack Brody are having words on the floor! Brody’s not happy about Stalker pulling Pierce off the cage – and Stalker blindsides Brody with a kick to the gut! Stalker rams Brody’s head into the cage!
DT: Gallway to his feet inside the ring! Sweet Chin Music—
MN: No! Gallway with a low blow instead! That’s how you do it, Gallway! That’s how you win!
DM: Brody is down, but Pierce and Stalker are brawling on the floor! Gallway heads over to Impulse, who hasn’t moved since the splash! Gallway … applies the Precision Lock! This could be the end!
DT: Impulse is stirring, but barely! How much can he have left?
MN: Wrench that hold in, Gallway! Make him tap!
DM: I don’t think Impulse is going to tap, but he’s fading! And if he loses consciousness, this one is over all the same!
DT: Impulse isn’t moving! Pat Jones checks the hand! Once…
It drops! Twice…
It drops! Three times…
DM: <i>Shining Wizard by Shane!</i> Shane broke the Precision Lock at the last second with a Shining Wizard that took Gallway’s head off!
DT: Pierce and Brody have fended off Stalker for the time being, but they just saw what happened! They’re helpless to do anything!
DM: Shane with a cover on Impulse! Impulse is out!
One!
Two!
THREE!
SFX: Ding! Ding!
DM: New champions! Shane did it!
MN: And Stalker, too! Don’t forget Stalker!
TF: Ladies and gentlemen, here are your winners – aaaaaand neeeeeewwwwwww EPW Tag Team Champions – Stalkerrrrrrrrrr and Sensational Stevennnnnnnnn Shaaaaaaaaaaaaane!
DM: The Heirs of Wrestling can’t believe what happened! They thought they had this one wrapped up!
DT: Stalker and Steven Shane are the new Tag Team Champions, but you have to give credit to Impulse, who did an amazing job of surviving after his partner ditched him early on!
MN: Impulse only deserves credit for one thing: costing the Heirs of Wrestling the Tag Team Titles by getting pinned!
DM: Stalker and Shane are being handed the belts, and the Heirs are too shocked to even react!
DT: I can tell you this: The EPW tag team division is sure to get a lot more interesting with this combination holding the titles!
DM: Maybe so, but it’s possible they won’t be holding them for long – remember, they still have to defend them against Donovan Astros and Cameron Cruise in the finals at Aggression 58! Not to mention, whoever comes out of that match with the belts will have to defend them against the former champs, The Heirs of Wrestling... at Wrestleverse IV!
DT: We’ll have to wait until then to see who comes out the Tag Team Champions and who is crowned King of the Cage! Folks, this is Dave Thomas, for Dean Matthews and Mike Neely – we’ll see you next time! Good night!
