Pokey for Loki
(We open up on black, heralded by the sound of thunder and heavy-falling rain.)
VALHALLA PRODUCTION COMPANY
Presents
(The shot opens up outside the heavy wooden doors to Arsvinnar’s Nordic longshouse of debauchery in Las Vegas. Does it rain this much out in the desert? Oh well, nevermind, it does today.)
OLVIR ARSVINNAR
In
(Your friend and mine -- KENNY LOMBARDO -- hurries into the shot, drenched by the weather. Desperate to get out of the rain, he knocks on the door. A moment later, they slowly swing open and permit the reporter entrance. Kenny enters the silent longhouse, and as the sound of the literal storm is left behind him, the sounds of a brewing verbal storm are coming from just ahead.)
POKEY FOR LOKI
(Kenny flashes the camera a confused look as he gingerly makes his way to the back of the longhouse, part mead hall and part studio. Near the back of the room, it appears a shoot featuring the notorious Viking Violator is underway, but based on the way the crew is standing around, it could be assumed that it’s being delayed.)
(A trio of ladies await some good ol’ fashioned butt-pounding on the Norseman’s bearskin, but OLVIR ARSVINNAR is currently pacing impatiently back and forth as his famed director, TOMMY SALAMI, is raving about his integrity and time spent in the business. A throng of onlookers are on hand to witness the verbal spat, and among them, the EPW reporter finds Olvir’s favored Viking dwarf, Stumpy.)
Kenny Lombardo
Hey, Stumpy... what did I just walk into?
Stumpy
Oh, hey... not much. An “artistic disagreement”, I guess you could say. Mr. Salami came in today to let Olvir know he’s a film or two behind on his contract requirements... but the Boss says he’s not in the mood.
Kenny Lombardo
Not in the MOOD?
(Kenny double-takes the chicks on the bearskin. Are they hot? Oh yeah, he’d run a train on that.)
Kenny Lombardo
Wow...
Stumpy
I know, right?
Kenny Lombardo
I better get to the bottom of this...
Stumpy
Good luck, bro.
(Kenny passes by the cameras and joins Olvir on the set while Salami is in the middle of blubbering about his acclaimed and honored past in the prestigious industry that is pornography. Arsvinnar, who may have been ignoring the director the entire time, lightens up as he sees the reporter draw near.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
HAIL, Kenny of the Lumber-Dough!
Kenny Lombardo
Hi, Olvir. Everything groovy here?
Olvir Arsvinnar
BAH... this foolish and fat SAUSAGE-BEATER believes he can barge into the home of the GREAT OLVIR and start making demands!
(Realizing he’s being snubbed, Salami barges in on the conversation.)
Tommy Salami
“SAUSAGE-BEATER?!” Hey, man, my sausage took a HELL of beating for your sake! Did you suddenly forget just WHO made you famous?
Olvir Arsvinnar
The memory of the Great Olvir is INFALLIBLE, greasy swine, and take heed that you not FORGET IT again! But while I would most ENJOY the act of sharing my GREATNESS with these three fine wenches, I cannot undergo any domination of the SUPPLE ARSE without my BROTHER IN ARMS!!
Tommy Salami
What, you mean the Ruskie? Come on, the tag team thing was just a fad... and wheelchairs never went over well in smut. Let’s just get back to formula and start making some money again.
Olvir Arsvinnar
IMPOSSIBLE!! I REFUSE to take solace until I find VENGEANCE upon the damned knave who calls himself REZIN!!
(The rotuned porn director shakes his head in frustration, causing part of his sleazy comb-over to lift off his dome-like head and hover in the air like a cowlick.)
Tommy Salami
Damnit, I KNEW this wrestling nonsense was just going end up being a waste of our time...
Olvir Arsvinnar
“NONSENSE”?! Fallacious flabby FOOL!! The Great Olvir will ALWAYS be a warrior before he is a LOVER!!
(Salami turns red in the face, and for a moment, he looks like a zit about to pop. The argument is suddenly interrupted by a raspy voice calling out from off-camera.)
“A black wind howls across the fields... and the storm of death brews over the horizon.”
(The people in the room collectively look over to the corner and the camera follows them. Standing there is a withered old woman dressed in rags. Her eyes are wide and filled with visions of damned prophecies.)
Crazy Old Lady
The time draws NEAR, Olvir the Damned... and when the black clouds of doom surround you, not even the Gods themselves will be able to save your fate! The gloomy land of Hel awaits you, forsaken Viking! Make peace while you STILL CAN!
(Before she can say more, she’s taken off her feet as one of Olvir’s dwarf drones is launched like a discus into her mid-section. The camera sweeps back to the Viking as he nabs another midget and throws a second volley.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
UNCOUTH DOOMSAYER!! Take the POISON that seeps from your sagged, wrinkly TEATS from this place at once!
Kenny Lombardo
Uhh... who was that?
Olvir Arsvinnar
BAH... some foolish wench! All week, she’s been spouting such nonsense, much to my great annoyance!
(Tommy Salami draws close to the Viking and puts a consoling hand on his mighty shoulder, trying a different approach.)
Tommy Salami
Look, big guy... we know you’re all stressed because of what happened to your friend... but you can’t let it get to your head! Just take your mind off things by having a little fun with these smokin’ babes I paid for!
Olvir Arsvinnar
NAY!!
(Arsvinnar shakes his hand off and waves a massive arm toward the door, nearly taking Lombardo’s head off.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
In fact, YOU may take your leave as well!
Tommy Salami
Olvir, baby, CALM DOWN and listen to me...
Olvir Arsvinnar
GET OUT!! ALL OF YOU!! OUT!! LEAVE THE HOUSE OF ARSVINNAR!!
(Everybody lingers for a moment in shock, until Olvir starts punting midgets and knocking cameras over left and right, showing he really means business. The girls on the bearskin shriek and flee. The midget Vikings scatter. The members of the film crew hastily grab their equipment and make for the door. Tommy Salami and Kenny Lombardo take refuge behind Olvir’s mighty throne... until it as well is lifted up and thrown across the room.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
OUT!! OUT!! OUT!! There will be NO MORE righteous domination of the ARSES until the Great Olvir slakes his thirst for VICTORY once more!
(The whole tirade lasts only a few moments, but finally, the chamber is empty of everyone except for a meek Kenny Lombardo and a fuming Tommy Salami.)
Tommy Salami
I’m telling you, Olvir... if you follow through on this, then you’re FINISHED in the porn game!
Olvir Arsvinnar
The Great Olvir cares NOT for these silly games, Salami-Smacker! Now LEAVE THIS PLACE lest I BEHEAD YOU!!
Tommy Salami
Fine... but mark my words, Olvir, you’re going to regret this!
(Huffing and puffing, the porn director takes his leave of the longhouse and from Olvir’s life altogether. Arsvinnar stands tall in the place where his throne once sat, gazing over the emptiness of his mead hall. Then he hears the feint footsteps of Kenny Lombardo, trying to sneak out the back.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
NOT YOU, Lumber-Dough! You will stay a moment longer... because the Great Olvir must let the WORLD hear his might words!
(Lombardo gingerly returns to the Viking to continue the interview, afraid of the possibility of his head being ripped off if he so much as asks the wrong question.)
Kenny Lombardo
Wow, Olvir... this is all rather surprising. Are you saying you’re done with the pornstar life for good?
Olvir Arsvinnar
INDEED, Kenny! Though it pains my great heart to deny so many fine maidens the GLORY of my endowed loins, it has nevertheless proven to be a DISTRACTION in my conquest of professional wrestling!
Kenny Lombardo
What caused you to suddenly realize this?
(Olvir audibly growls.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
So that KNAVE Rezin finds me predictable? He has the AUDACITY to call me -- THE GREAT OLVIR -- a mere JOKE?!
(Olvir rips off his purple pornstar robe with gold trim and rips it in half before tossing the shredded remains aside. Underneath, he’s in the classic Viking get-up that he wears to the ring.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
Well how is THIS for predictable, Kenny? Do you see the Great Olvir wasting his time and glory “f*cking about” and beating these imaginary horses?!
Kenny Lombardo
Well, no... not quite. In fact, I’d say you look more focused than you have in YEARS. You always seemed so content with where you were in the professional wrestling industry, as long as you had a full horn of mead and a hot piece of ass on your lap at the end of every night. But the recent actions and comments made by the newly revealed Rezin have apparently set something off.
Olvir Arsvinnar
He is a COWARD and HEATHEN... but nevertheless, there is a BLACK and VILE TRUTH to his blasphemies! It is INEXCUSABLE that my GREATNESS as a grappler has gone unrewarded for so long!
At one time, “the Butt-Dominator” was once the GREATEST and MOST RENOWN warriors to grace the arena! But where has that time gone, Kenny of the Lumber-Dough? Wasted in the FOUL TAINTS of mere whores... LOST in pointless festivities and celebrations of debauchery... all the while ignoring my own failures!
I will stand for it NO LONGER, Kenny! It is time I REMIND this world of the DOMINANCE of the Viking Way!
Kenny Lombardo
That’s great to hear, Olvir! A man of your size and strength could really go far if properly motivated! But tell me... you just said there was some truth to Rezin’s comments made earlier in the week. Do you think, then, there is any truth to his threats? Do you think, maybe, he’s letting your rage lead you right into his trap?
(Olvir grumbles aside to himself. Perhaps he’s been listening to the doomsayer more than he’s proud to admit.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
It matters NOT what becomes of the Great Olvir! Should I fall in battle, then all that WILL matter is that I fall AS A VIKING, so that I may join my ancient comrades in the halls of Valhalla to prepare for the glorious battle of Ragnarok!
Kenny Lombardo
So when Rezin advises you to not fight, you say bollocks to that?
Olvir Arsvinnar
INDEED!! Even in the FACE OF DEATH, a Viking FIGHTS to the bitter end! Valhalla does not accept submissive cowards who live to fight another day... they seek COURAGEOUS WARRIORS who are willing to give their lives for the cause of RIGHTEOUSNESS and NOBILITY!
The horrid Rezin does not realize this, because he knows NOTHING of these virtues! He would indeed rather see me step to the side and allow him to continue his foolish path of destruction, because it makes his cause EASIER to pursue! But I will not allow him to enjoy such comfort! If he intends to DESTROY this Empire, then he must DESTROY the savage and unstoppable FURY of the GREAT OLVIR first!
And should the knave FAIL, then I will SPLIT his puny brainpan in TWAIN, therefore releasing the DEMONS that plague his poor mind! Vengeance will be HAD for my brother Ivan, and my friend Erik the Black will be FREE of his nightmarish posessor!
Kenny Lombardo
He’d probably be free of some of the more advancing functions of his brain, too, if what you’re saying is serious. Still, I’m sure many would like to see Rezin’s mission of destruction and doom fail before it finds any form of success. No doubt, you’ll have many people in the EPW locker room supporting you in your cause... and I guess you have my support as well, Olvir.
Olvir Arsvinnar
This is good to hear, Kenny... but nevertheless, token support will not help the Great Olvir as the time comes for battle! Only my FURY and DOMINANCE can stop the vile Goat Bastard at this point!
Kenny Lombardo
In that case, good luck to you at Aggression 62... and whatever the outcome, I do hope we’ll be seeing more of the freshly motivated “Viking Violator” in the weeks that follow.
Olvir Arsvinnar
As do I, Kenny of the Lumber-Dough... but I must now ask you to take your leave as well! A great period of meditation must follow in the coming days as I prepare my mind and body for battle!
Kenny Lombardo
Understood. See you later, Olvir.
(The reporter turns and leaves the scene. Olvir Arsvinnar is left alone in his dormant mead hall, gazing silently upon his home and his prized possessions. Soon after, we fade to black... then to three old guys rocking out in a bar.)
(CUE UP: “RangaRock” by the Hedons.)