[FADE IN to Otaku playing the new Elder Scrolls game. He’s got his cell phone resting on his shoulder and he’s carrying on a conversation as he plays]
Otaku: Yeah, that was a cool show, but come on! Setsuna is a poor Heero Yuy! Oh how can you even say that, Heero’s the best lead in all of the Gundam series! Serious… hold on, I’ve got another call.
Otaku here! Konnichi… HEY! Dragon-domo! How’re you doing? I’m just kickin’ back, playing some video… wait… waitwaitwaithwhat?! It’s Sunday!!?! It can’t be, I’ve only been playing for…
[checks the date on his cell]
Otaku: HOLY CRAP!! Sorry, Dragon-domo, I’ll be there ASAP!!
[He pauses the game, pretty much throwing his cell phone into a nearby bag, grabbing the bag one-handed and dashing through the door. The camera PANS to the TV as a message fades into screen]
Elder Scrolls V – Skyrim. In Stores Now. This placement paid for by Bethesda Softworks and granted by Dan Ryan and Empire Pro Wrestling.
[CUTTO: A gym, with Brown working out on an elliptical edge. He’s dressed as you’d expect from someone working out, while Otaku, a little dishevelled, has gone for a Heero Yuy costume. Which in itself is dishevelled. He’s looking at the booking sheet for the upcoming Aggression]
Otaku: OK, so, erm… First-san, Burns-san, and Team V.I.A.G.R.A… who did we annoy, Dragon-domo? I can’t see us anywhere.
Karl: We’re facing First, Burns and Team V.I.A.G.R.A.
Otaku: You mean they still think the team name’s a plural?
Karl: Yup.
Otaku: Maaan. After I went to all the trouble of thinking up such animezing name. Note to self. Target OZ headquarters and get Trowa to launch a missile barrage.
Karl: [with a shake of the head] How will targeting something in a cartoon show fix what you perceive to be a problem with the fact that the people who printed that sheet added an S to the end of the team name you came up with?
Otaku: [shrugging] Because.
Karl: OK. Anyway, have you got any thoughts on the title defence?
Otaku: Err… nope. Not really.
Karl: You’ve not been paying attention, have you?
Otaku: It’s just so booooring! I mean, sure, winning the titles was a huge kick, but Team V/I/A.G.R.A again?! And why did First-san and Burns-san get a title match in only their second match? We had to wait til our third!
Karl: We waited that long because we had to win a tournament first, and the front office books who it wants in title matches. Why do you think I kept having to beat Steven Shane all those years ago?
Otaku: Oh yeah… well I still think it’s not fair!
Karl: That’s professional wrestling. You take what’s put in front of you, wrestle one match at a time, and come back the next night and do it all again.
Otaku: Well, do you have any thoughts on them?
Karl: No, but then again I don’t mind who’s put up against us. I’d be more worried if we were given the night off.
Otaku: Why?
Karl: Because Dan only gives people the night off for one of two reasons. Either they’re hurt, which neither of us are, or he’s pissed off with you and doesn’t even want to try and humiliate you that night, like he’s done with Stalker.
Otaku: So that’s what that’s about? I was beginning to wonder.
Karl: And let’s be honest. It’s not as if there’s much we can do that’s going to sway the end result before the bell. I’m not judged on having an opinion on who I’m facing, I’m judged on results at the end of the night.
Otaku: Yeah but they’ve been less than great! We lost last time!
Karl: Losses happen.
Otaku: You know, Dragon-domo, you can be a real downer sometimes. I mean, you’re meant ta be all “I’m gonna win, get back on that horse!” But you just take it in stride and keep going.
Karl: Maybe that’s why I’m still around after an awful come back? [he laughs] No, it’s that I’m realistic.
Otaku: I just don’t want us ta be losing and losing… you know.
Karl: I know. But if we lose the titles, it gives us an incentive to keep going so we win them back.
Otaku: [shocked] Who wouldn’t want to win back the title?!
Karl: For some people a loss is a hard thing to take. Look back a few years – Eric Davies threw a temper tantrum after a loss, and I’ve known people get despondent after a hard-fought loss. It can take them a while to get their heads on straight. I’m convinced that’s what’s happened to quite a few former champions around here.
Otaku: Like?
Karl: I’m not naming names. I do bits in radio still, remember?
Otaku: And?
Karl: Britain has tighter defamation laws than the US.
Otaku: Ah.
[The cosplay fanatic walks past the elliptical edge, looking out of the window]
Otaku: So, uh, Dragon-domo… aren’t you even a little worried about Aggression? About what Burns-san’s willing to do?
Karl: If I’m honest [he says, getting off the elliptical edge and moving straight onto a bench press machine, doing 2 sets of 12 with long, slow, deliberate movements] I haven’t even taken the time out to watch him yet. Maybe that’s where I’ve been going wrong. What’s he been saying?
Otaku: That he’ll do whatever it takes to win.
Karl: If I had tupence for every time I’ve heard that, I’d be totally poor because tupenny bits haven’t been legal tender in years.
Otaku: Wait, wha’?
Karl: British humour.
Otaku: I’m never gonna get that.
Karl: Probably not. But don’t pay attention to him. Some people are so starved for attention or they’re so wrapped up in their little rose-coloured veneers that they have to do whatever it takes to win. In the rules or not. The problem they have is when the come against someone who’s better than them without breaking the rules, beats them cleanly time after time after time, they start to break down and get more desperate, making more mistakes. In the end for them they chase the butterfly so far they run off the edge of the cliff into the Straits of Dover.
Otaku: … you sure you’ve not been smoking with Black-san?
Karl: Trust me. Nice enough guy, not someone I mix with when I don’t have to. [Brown moves on to a leg weight exercise] You going to train or not?
Otaku: I dunno. I should. But Burns-san’s kinda… I dunno. Angry.
Karl: So was Stalker. So was Shane. So were the Colossal Connection. Listen, you need to get remember something, because it’s frustrating telling you the same thing time after time. Whoever you’re up against is out to beat you. Aggression is part of the business, not just the name of the show. Thankfully most of the people with that kind of aggression are about as ferocious as a playful kitten compared to how they portray themselves. If you want to believe their hype, go ahead, but until one of them actually puts me out of action for a while, I’ll ignore their words and trust what they show me.
Otaku: OK. I guess First-san’s different at least.
[“The Dragon” just shakes his head, finishing his set and moving onto a lateral pull-down machine. Otaku slinks over to a treadmill, starting it up. The two train in silence for a few seconds before Otaku speaks again]
Otaku: You know something? I couldn’t’ve asked for a better partner. You honestly don’t care about what others think, you accept people for who they are, and I know you’re gonna help get the titles back if we ever lose them.
Karl: Naturally. What, you think I’m going to run away and chase something else?
Otaku: That’s not what I mean. I mean you’ll be there to beat the crap out of Burns-san and First-san and Team V.I.A.G.R.A and whoever else is there and you won’t make a fuss about it! And you’re moral without ramming it down people’s throats. You’re like… Milliardo Peacecraft, only real and cooler.
Karl: Thanks. I think. Anyway, I just don’t think you can change people who don’t want to be changed. You can only point them in a direction. Try to force someone and you’ll meet resistance. The stubborn oak breaks in the gale, but the flexible willow bends, and all that pseudo-philosophical nonsense.
Otaku: Hey! It was a wise man who said that!
Karl: Thanks.
Otaku: Huh?! [as he turns his head, he forgets he’s on the treadmill and slips off the back, landing in a heap]
Karl: A wise man also said watch where you’re going, and what time’re you going for lunch?
Otaku: Fibber [Getting to his feet]
Karl: Not everything a wise man says has to be profound.
Otaku: They do! Just ask First-san! Wise men are always wise, that’s why they’re wise. Or something.
Karl: Whatever you say. [he says, moving onto the rowing machine. Otaku dusts himself off, getting back on the treadmill. FADE]
Voice: Next time, on Animezing Dragon… that’s Dragon, singular. Not plural. Have a cookie.
The cookie is now diamonds.
Otaku: Hey Dragonites and Cosplay Fans! Otaku here! Next time on Animezing Dragon it’s another toughie, as Dragon-domo and I find ourselves trapped in the clutches of the evil Fire Atronach! And even if we escape, we’ve still got to defeat his Master! Will we survive and bring back the treasure in time to save the kingdom? Only one way to find out!
Next time, on Animezing Dragon – Out of the Frying Pan… and into the Saucer?
Karl: You’re nuts.
[FADE OUT]