KOTC Round 1: Boogie Smallz & Alceo Dentari v. Rezin & Anarky
DT: Well gentlemen, it’s been a long road thus far, but we’ve almost reached the end of the first leg of this year’s King of the Cage tournament! The final match of the first round is just minutes away, and it will mark tonight’s main event!
DM: I’ll admit, I’m pretty excited to see this match-up, Dave. Just looking at it on paper, you know you’ll be in for an interesting fight!
MN: Paper, huh? You taking notes for your fantasy wrestling league?
DT: …”fantasy wrestling”? What the hell are you talking about, Neely?
MN: It’s like fantasy football, or fantasy baseball, but with wrestlers. Obviously, I’ve got the big players like Stevens and Cruise on my team. Stevens totally got me twenty points in that last match of his...
DM: Who else is in this “league” of yours?
MN: There’s me, that Lombardo kid, and a bunch of teenagers. It’s cool though, because I’m tracking to lay some smack down on one of their moms!
DM: There you have it, everyone... that’s what Neels does on his off time. Fantasy wrestling and MILF hunting...
MN: Breakfast of champions, Dean-O!
DT: Let’s just go to Tony Fatora in the encaged ring...
[CUE UP: “Black Superman” by Above the Law. Sans any special effects outside of a highlight reel reliving years upon years of people getting their asses beat, BOOGIE SMALLZ strides out onto the stage. The fans greet the former GXW superstar with nothing but hate. He sneers at the response as he pumps two MASSIVE arms into the air, showing that the years out of the ring have done nothing to tarnish the size and physique of the reformed ganja goliath. On his way down the ramp, he takes a moment to rip a “HUMILITY BOMB!!” sign out of a poor ringside fan’s hands, and rips it in half before the camera, defiant gaze looking right into the eyes of the owner watching in the back.]
TF: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is the final first round elimination match of the King of the Cage tournament, and it will be our main event for the evening! Introducing first, making his way to the ring... he hails to us from Brooklyn, New York, and weighs in at a three-hundred pounds... HERE IS... BOOOOOGGGIIIIEEEEE SSSSMMMMAAAALLLZZZZZZ!!!!
DT: Boogie Smallz comes into the King of the Cage tournament after a dominant victory over his old foe from Global Xtreme Wrestling, “The Apocalypse” Gabriel Poe, who was also recently out of retirement when the two met at the recent monumental Black Dawn Pay Per View extravaganza! Even though he’s been gone for eight years, ring rust has clearly not hampered the in-ring presence of the wrestling powerhouse, Boogie Smallz!
MN: YO, BOOGIE, WHAT UP, DAWG?! Pass the blunt this way!
DM: He doesn’t do that any more, Neels... and I thought you hated stoners anyway.
MN: I hate hippies, mostly. And clowns. And midgets. And The First, who is pretty much a hippie clown midget. But hey, if you say Boogie doesn’t smoke any more? That’s cool... it just keeps his focus on breaking backs, and you can BELIEVE ‘DAT!
DM: Better sign Boogie to your fantasy wrestling team, Neels...
MN: ...OH CRAP, why didn’t I think of that before?!
DT: Since his return to professional wrestling, Boogie made an impact in the Ultratitle Tournament, and he’s been quite outspoken since his return to Empire Pro. Clearly, he’s still on outs with the EPW owner, “The Ego Buster” Dan Ryan. What’s strange to me, however, is why he continues doing work for that man by going into the ring?
MN: What better way to stick it to somebody you hate than to go in there and prove you can withstand anything the boss throws at you? Mr. Ryan failed in throwing him Gabriel Poe at Black Dawn, and he will undoubtedly fail again as Boogie conquers this tournament and proclaims himself KING of the Cage!
[CUE UP: “Ain’t That a Kick in the Head” by Dean Martin. With the screen showing highlights from outside wrestling promotions, newcomer Alceo Dentari steps out onto the stage dressed in a sharp black suit and fedora combo. The fans greet him with a rather lukewarm reaction, although a pocket of fans in “Defiance” shirts who came out to support their fed’s representatives in the tournament give a big shout out. Dentari marches down the ramp as some snarky people at ringside mock him for his short stature and stereotypical appearance. He threatens to smack a few of them, giving people an ugly impression right off the bat.]
TF: And his partner... hailing from Brooklyn, New York, by way of Naples Italy, and weighing in at one hundred and fifty five pounds... HERE IS...
[There’s a slight pause as Tony Fatora squints at the name on his announcement card, and takes a moment to figure out how to pronounce it correctly.]
TF: Uh, HERE IS... AAAALLLCCEEEEOOOOO DDDDEEEEENNNNTTTAAARRRRIIIII!!!
MN: Was that Klingon Tony was talkin’?
DM: No, Neels... that’s the name of one more athlete coming to the Empire from Defiance Wrestling, Alceo Dentari!
MN: ...what? Say that again?
DM: Al-Cee-Oh... Den-Tah-Ri.
MN: “Nintendo Atari?” What kind of name is that?! Did his parents even speak ENGLISH? No, I bet they just looked at the game systems they had in the house and said, “SCREW IT, that works!”
DT: Well it says here on Mr. Dentari’s note sheet that he’s Sicilian-born, so I guess the answer is no, Mike, they would not have spoken English. His current place of residence is Boogie Smallz’s own neighborhood of Brooklyn, although I would assume by his appearance and mannerisms, Alceo Dentari is a man of much different “connections”.
DM: In other words, he’s a gangster. I’ve known a few guys like in my years in this sport... and while I never understood what motivates guys in the criminal underworld to keep getting involved in a business we are so painstakingly trying to keep legitimate, I can’t deny their brutality and relentlessness as fighters.
MN: Com on, from THIS guy? He’s like THREE FEET tall! How is that supposed to be brutal?
DT: Well, did you ever see Joe Pesci in Goodfellas or Casino?
MN: No, but I saw him in Home Alone, and he got his ass-kicked by a third-grader and a bunch of paint cans!
DT: You’re saying you’re not impressed?
MN: I’m saying he’s a MIDGET... and like I said, I HATE midgets! Can’t trust the little bastards... though I am diggin’ on the Dean Martin.
DM: Don’t be deceived by his appearance, Neels. I took some time in the past week to watch over a lot of video from Defiance, and despite his height, Alceo Dentari showed some impressive speed and ruthlessness against many of his opponents! It will be interesting to see how those skills translate in the EPW ring.
DT: Alceo Dentari had little to say in the weeks leading up to this match, and did not seem impressed with the crop of Empire Pro talent involved in this match. Some of the guys from Defiance who were drawn to this tournament have so far shown some promise. Others, however, turned out to be great disappointments. We’ll see how Dentari fares in this battle with Boogie Smallz as his partner... but as we know, they’ve got some stiff competition in this first round.
[CUE UP: “More Human Than Human” by White Zombie. The audience boos loudly as a mash-up of Anarky and Rezin’s respective video packages hits the EmpireTron. Stepping out first is ANARKY, the self-proclaimed Anti-Champion of Empire Pro, holding to his side the EPW Television “Anti” Title defaced in black tape. He spends only a second to stand at the top of the ramp glance over the hate-filled fans and smirks slightly at the reaction. As he starts down to the ring, the Escape Artist REZIN slinks out behind him, new fuzz growing in across his recently shaved pate. A devilish smirk is scrawled across his face and the words “CHAOS REIGNS” are scrawled across his bare chest in black tar, and as he staggers down the rampway after his partner, he takes delight in toying with the jeering fans lining the barricade.]
TF: And their opponents... weighing in at a combined weight of four-hundred and fifty nine pounds... the team of the Escape Artist, REZIN... and the EPW Television “Anti” Champion, ANARKY!!
DT: There couldn’t possibly be a more dangerous combination of men than the dastardly duo making their way to the ring right now! The unstoppable rage and brutality of Anarky paired with the trickery and cunning of the Rezin is nothing short of a cocktail made in hell!
DM: Since these two formed their alliance back in Cleveland at Aggression 64, they’ve walked a path of single-minded destruction! A campaign of CHAOS, if you will! For Anarky, it culminated into a big win at Black Dawn as he defended his Television “Anti” Title against six other competitors!
MN: Of course, you can’t say the same about that dirtbag Rezin, who got what was coming to him when he walked into the King’s courtroom, got his ugly face kicked in, and had that mangy mane of hair thankfully shaved off! I bet he still has nightmares about being in a cage, which makes me wonder how he’s going to handle walking right back into one!
DT: He doesn’t look worried as he ascends the steps now and walks through the door after Anarky. Remember, living up to his “Escape Artist” name, Rezin has proven himself quite capable of achieving victory in cage matches such as these by means of escape. This is to say nothing of Anarky, who as we all know is a former triumphant of the King of the Cage tournament from two years past!
DM: These guys have the credentials, and they’re clearly on the same page... but Smallz and Dentari clearly aren’t seeing the threat right now!
DT: Hold on a second... Rezin just stopped Tony Fatora before he could leave the encaged ring! He’s taking the mic out of his hand now!
MN: Oh jeez, here we go...
[The fans boo with outright hate as Rezin holds up the microphone and walks to the center of the ring. Meanwhile, as soon as Fatora exits the cage, an outside official closes the door after him and locks it.]
Rezin: Okay, butt-brains... SHUT the HELL UP and listen for a second!
Crowd: “BOOOOOO!!!”
DT: Yeah, that’ll win ‘em over...
Rezin: You’ve all sat in your seats here tonight, stuffing your fat faces with beer and popcorn, cheering on the pretty ones and turning your nose up to the misunderstood and misrepresented... but don’t forget for a single second exactly what’s a stake here in this tournament! You think it’s about royalty? You think ‘Nark and I want to be KINGS??
[He grimaces and shakes his head.]
Rezin: Oh no... if anything, we’re here to ensure that Empire Pro HAS no King! Tonight, in this royal court you call a CAGE... the meager FOOL is the one who holds all the cards! Forget the feudal system! Forget the prestigious elite! As long as we’re here to spread a poisonous cloud of dread, doom, and destruction through the locker room, CHAOS will always reign supreme in EPW!
Crowd: “BOOOO-RING!! BOOOOO-RING!! BOOOO-RING!!”
[The fans begin to get anxious and heckle Rezin and he continues to rant. Meanwhile, Alceo Dentari has begun to talk trash to Anarky, while the TV Anti-Champion cracks his knuckles and gets ready to bash his head in. Boogie Smallz stands in the corner, rolling his eyes, and losing more of his patience with every passing moment.]
DT: Well, folks, hopefully we’ll get the match started soon, but it looks like he’ll need another second or two up on his soapbox...
Rezin: The Maestro of Malice ANARKY has already redefined all previous notions of what professional wrestling greatness TRULY is with his reign as your ANTI-Champion... and soon, that work will spread to your EPW Tag Team Titles...
[He rips his sunglasses off and stares directly into the camera, eyes red and full of madness.]
Rezin: MY Tag Team Titles... the very ones I MADE eight years ago... and once they’re back in the hands of their original owner, they’ll be the Tag Team ANTI-Titles!
DM: Oh great... MORE of these “Anti” Titles...
Rezin: This tournament won’t stop us! Dan Ryan won’t stop us! NOBODY will stop us! We’ll hunt every last PIG down in this cage until the canvas turns red and these steel walls keep crashing down! Knock us down, and we’ll keep coming back, until --
[Rezin’s words are cut off as one of Boogie Smalls massive hands takes the mic in his mighty grasp and tosses it aside. He turns just in time as Smallz other fist, balled up into a boulder, bludgeons him right in the face.]
DT: OH!! Looks like Boogie Smallz is tired of listening to this!
MN: Thank you, Boogie! I thought that idiot would NEVER shut up!
[Pat Jones quickly gives the cue to the timekeeper.]
SFX: *DING-DING!!*
DM: There’s the bell! Smallz keeps pressing on Rezin as he stumbles backwards in a surprised mess, and now he’s got him trapped in the corner! Meanwhile, right at the bell, Anarky and Alceo Dentari get into it on the other side of the encaged ring!
DT: Boogie Smallz is practically MAULING Rezin like a grizzly bear in the corner! Rezin is getting knocked between the corner and the wrecking ball-sized fists of Smallz like a crash test dummy! Boogie takes him by the throat now... Rezin gets HAULED RIGHT INTO THE AIR!!
DM: Look at sheer DREAD on the face of Rezin, as the power of Boogie Smallz leaves him hanging nearly a FOOT over the canvas! Smallz turning him to the CAGE WALL --
SFX: *CRASH!!*
DT: MY GOD, what a tremendous chokeslam into that solid steel CAGE!! Rezin got TATTOOED into that wall like cartoon coyote!
MN: That’s what that loudmouthed dirty hobo gets for flapping his gums without knowing what’s what! Boogie’s here to give this match some much-deserved BADASS representation!
DM: Rezin is out, and Smallz turns his attention to his partner, battling away with Anarky in a vicious fist fight! These two have done more bareknuckle scrapping than actual wrestling since the bell rang! The “Anti” Champion appears to be gaining the edge... but Boogie breaks it up with a HARD clothesline from behind!
DT: Anarky hits the mat, and looks stunned by that powerful blow! When a man the size of Boogie Smallz hits you, you FEEL it! Hang on a sec... Dentari looks angry with Boogie, and he’s giving his partner some attitude!
MN: What the hell for? Boogie did a GOOD thing helping him out there!
DM: It seems Dentari is annoyed to have his fight interrupted like that! Smallz glowers with rage, looking down at his partner who is almost an entire foot and a half shorter! He clearly doesn’t appreciate being spoken to in that manner!
DT: There seems to be a lapse in communication between these two, who were only strangers before tonight! Dentari looks like he’s moving on as he eyes the wounded Rezin and sees an opportunity to literally kick a man while he’s down!
DM: With a roll of his eyes, Boogie sets his sights on Anarky as he’s trying to get back to his feet... Smallz gets him up the rest of the way, hooks him through the legs... there’s the LIFT -- and Smallz GRINDS HIM into the canvas with a powerslam!
MN: Boogie is just a RAGING MAMMOTH in that ring! With as worthless a partner as Rezin, who’s spending this time getting his face kicked in by the wiseguy from Defiance, Anarky’s just going to get crushed!
DT: The power of Boogie Smallz is on display here tonight! Back to his feet now, he takes a bounce off the ropes... coming down with the KNEE DROP over the HEAD -- NO!! Anarky rolled clear in the nick of time, and Smallz crushed his own knee cap on the mat!
DM: The “Anti” TV Champion with an open window as he scrambles to his feet... and he puts a HEAVY FOREARM right into the side of the head as Boogie was still on one knee! ‘Nark with ANOTHER heavy forearm shot, and Smallz is looking stunned!
DT: Anarky can see that his partner in Rezin is now being CHOKED over the bottom rope by the diminutive Alceo Dentaro, standing on the Escape Artist’s back and pressing his weight down as he talks trash to the Empire Pro fans!
MN: Ol’ Ee-Pee-Dub ain’t left much of an impression on him, it seems...
DM: Anarky’s got Smallz by the head now, and he uses all of his strength to wrangle the big man up to his feet... he gets him RUNNING -- and OH WOW, Anarky just throws the charging Boogie Smallz right into his own partner!!
DT: The three-hundred pound Smallz just plowed into Alceo Dentari like a MACK TRUCK crashing into a GO-KART! Both men fall into the space between the ropes and the steel cage in a tangled mess! How’s THAT for an impression, Dentari!
DM: The TV “Anti” Champion grabs Rezin by the collar of his coat and insincerely gets his partner back onto his feet! No doubt, he’s expecting a bit more of an effort out of him! They’re not going to get the win if he just takes a beating through the entire match, after all!
MN: But that’s all he’s good for!
DT: Unlike Dentari before, Rezin looks a bit more appreciative of the help! Meanwhile, on the other side of the ropes, Smallz and Dentari are struggling to get out of their mess! Boogie’s trying to get back to his feet, but his lethal lottery partner is on top of him, offering more insulting language than assistance at this point!
DM: These two are like oil and water! Rezin, meanwhile, has something on his mind as he goes into motion off the ropes on the other side of the cage... Boogie, having enough, just brushes Dentari aside and erupts to his feet -- !
SFX: *CRASH!!*
DT: OOF!! Rezin with a RUNNING DROPKICK right to the MID-SECTION just simultaneously knocks Smallz back-first into the cage wall and blows all the air out of him!
DM: Smallz is doubled over the ropes, and here comes Anarky! The TV “Anti” Champion runs by and takes him by the head -- FACECRUSHER to the mat, whipping the big man over the ropes and back into the ring!
MN: Okay, I was wrong... Nintendo Atari is clearly the weak partner in this match!
DT: Anarky making the first cover in this match!
One!
Two!
And Smallz POWERS out!
DM: That only made the hulk of the Hip-Hop Express even angrier! Boogie back to his feet and standing up to his full height! Anarky not even backing down, and both of these men -- no wait, ALCEO DENTARI just wedged his way between them!
DT: He just shoved his own tag partner aside to get back into a fight with Anarky! Dentari with a wild hook -- and Anarky blocks it, and counters with a shot right into Dentari’s face!
DM: Alceo recoils and bumps right into the chest of his partner in this match! The same partner he just rudely brushed aside only a second ago! Dentari berating him now for not giving him some back up while the TV “Anti” Champion waits for more!
MN: Look at Boogie! He ain’t havin’ one bit of that ish, and you can BELIEVE ‘DAT!
DT: Smallz with a single hand just SHOVES Dentari back into Anarky! Anarky catches him from behind -- REVERSE DDT!! Boogie Smallz just allowed that to happen to his own partner!
DM: Hold on, Boogie’s had his back to Rezin this whole time! Smallz turning around -- and here’s REZIN OFF THE TOP WITH A FLYING CROSS-BODY!! Boogie trying to catch him, but now he’s backpedaling wildly to keep his balance!
DT: Anarky sees the opportunity! SHOULDER BLOCK to the back of the knee, and DOWN GOES BOOGIE with Rezin on TOP!! There’s the COVER!
One!
Two!
And Smallz kicks out! Boogie’s still fighting, but the exhaustion is beginning to show! The big man has hit the mat several times so far, and he’s gotta turn things around on these two if he wants to stay in this!
DM: Neither Smallz nor Dentari have gone for a pin attempt yet! If either of these two hope to advance to face Aaron Jones and Malcolm Joseph-Jones in the second round of the tournament, they’ll have to get on the same page soon, because the treacherous twosome of Anarky and Rezin are really starting to click together now!
MN: There’s only so much Boogie can do with the Joe Pesci knock-off in there getting in his way!
DT: Speaking of whom, Dentari has found himself on a bad position on his back, as the “Anti” Champion Anarky straddles his chest and relentlessly pounds away into his face! Alceo may have a broken nose... but to that man’s credit, he’s still spouting obscenities into the face of his assailant!
DM: He’s short in stature and in temperament, but the man representing Defiance wrestling in this match is showing himself to be one tough cookie! He’ll have to hold his own though as Boogie is preoccupied with Rezin!
DT: Rezin is too smart to try and wrestle a man so superior his size from this point out... he circles Boogie Smallz like a vulture as the GXW giant slowly rises up to a knee -- and Rezin TAGS HIM IN THE HEAD with a BUZZSAW KICK!!
DM: That was a VICIOUS blow, and it dropped Boogie back to the mat! If there’s any kind of equalizer Rezin has in his arsenal to combat a man who can overpower him up close, he’s undoubtedly one of the deadliest strikers in the game!
MN: Get off the man’s nuts, Dean-O! If it had been Boogie kicking him in HIS head, that stupid sludge-sucker’s head would have come right off!
DT: Rezin has smalls under wraps, while Anarky continues to punish Dentari, wrangling the Long Island native off the mat and sending him into the ropes! Anarky telegraphs the back body drop -- and Dentari makes the “Anti” Champion PAY for his mistake with a rolling DDT!
DM: Dentari could be turning things around here! He’s quickly back up and off the ropes... ELBOW DROP right into Anarky’s sternum! And Alceo follows it up by wiping the blood from under his nose and wiping it across the TV “Anti” Champion’s face paint in an insulting manner!
DT: Rezin senses his partner is in trouble! Looks like he’s still channeling his inner David Carradine off of that Buzzsaw Kick, dancing around behind the unsuspecting Dentari in a bizarrely exaggerated martial arts stance!
MN: What do you call that? DUNG Fu? Tae Kwan BLOW? NO WAIT, I got it! CRAPoeira...
DM: Dentari coming around... and Rezin comes right at him with THE DAMASCUS HEEL -- NO, WAIT!! The Spinning Heel Kick hit NOTHING! Did Dentari DUCK?!
DT: He’s so short, he barely had to! Rezin spinning out of control, and Dentari jumps right onto his back and puts him into a SLEEPERHOLD! Alceo Dentari has it locked in and is squeezing down hard, choking the life out of the Goat Bastard!
DM: A good choice of hold for Dentari... he realized that Rezin had him matched in speed and striking ability, and to counter that, he’s trying to slow the Escape Artist down with this submission attempt! Rezin can’t break this with the help of the ropes! Either he has to get out of it himself, or hope Anarky comes to his aid...
MN: And I doubt that’s gonna happen, with Boogie finally showing some recovery, and ‘Nark is still on the mat, rubbing the spot on his chest where Tony Soprano buried an elbow into his ribs!
DT: Smallz is sitting up now, shaking the cobwebs out of his head... he looks over and sees some justice in the man that kicked him earlier is getting choked out! Rezin drops to his knees now, as Smallz gets to his feet and goes over to the “Anti” Champion!
DM: Smallz is getting Anarky back to his feet... the undying ferocity of the “Anti” Champion shining through as he tries to put some shots into Boogie’s mid-section, but the big man cuts him off with a HARD and HEAVY blow right to the head to keep the Skull-Faced Sadist stunned on his knees!
DT: Boogie Smallz has the TV “Anti” Champion where he wants him now... but perhaps the situation has changed for Alceo Dentari, currently struggling to keep Rezin in the sleeper!
DM: He managed to get the Goat Bastard down to his knees, but Rezin, showing all the fight and desperation of a rodent gnawing off its own limb to get out of a trap, rolled to his side as Dentari attempted to roll over onto his back and put him into an inescapable situation! But let’s not forget, this is the ESCAPE artist we’re talking about!
MN: Come on, Atari! Squeeze that pimple until it pops! Boogie can’t do this by himself!
DT: Boogie is bringing Anarky back to his feet... and there’s a HEART PUNCH right to that sore spot in the “Anti” Champion’s chest! I almost wonder if Anarky’s broken a rib! He looks to be in absolute pain right now as he stumbles into the ropes, barely able to keep on his feet at this point!
DM: Back across the ring, Rezin’s managed to slip a hand through Dentari’s arms! He’s starting to power himself up, and Alceo doesn’t have the leverage to keep him in place! He’s going to lose him!
DT: Pat Jones is watching the submission battle intently, but meanwhile, Boogie Smallz continues to pulverize the former World Champion and former King of the Cage winner! Smallz drawing Anarky close now... he lifts him up onto his SHOULDER -- OH WOW, WHAT A SHOULDER BREAKER!!
DM: That just DESTROYED Anarky! I think Boogie might have finished him off with that, and he’s looking for a cover -- but wait, Rezin just BROKE OUT Alceo Dentari’s sleeperhold! The Escape Artist gets out YET AGAIN!
DT: He’s still got Dentari by the arm! Rezin slipping behind -- he reverses into a chickenwing on Dentari! Reaching over the head now -- MY GOD, HE GOES FOR THE COTTONMOUTH!! Rezin with the COTTONMOUTH on Alceo Dentari, and Dentari had no time to stop those wretched, filthy fingers from going into his mouth!
MN: Oh CRAP!! Come on, Nintendo! All those years of chewing down crappy pasta rigatoni should have prepared you for situations like this one right now!
DM: Smallz, meanwhile, has Anarky PINNED, and he’s wondering where the count is! But the official Pat Jones is suddenly caught up on watching for a tap this submission attempt! Alceo Dentari is in agonizing pain now as Rezin pulls back on the hold and buries a knee into the small of his back! Dentari’s got nowhere to go!
DT: Dentari’s got one free arm held out, and I think he’s on the verge of tapping! But Boogie sees what’s happening and suddenly knows he has to act! Smallz on his feet, running to the scene -- and just LAYS REZIN OUT with a running BIG BOOT to the face to knock Alceo Dentari out of that Cottonmouth submission hold and save him from tapping out!
MN: That gangster good-for-nothing nearly LOST them the match right there! If Boogie were a second slower, that would have been it!
DM: Smallz doesn’t look happy to have come to the aid of Dentari when he was potentially moments away from getting a victory by pinfall over the TV “Anti” Champion! Smallz getting the attention of the ref now, telling Pat Jones to do his job in a rather rude manner!
MN: Relax, Boogie! You can get back at him when you rip his son’s head off in the next round!
DT: Here comes Smallz with the cover on Anarky again! But is he too late?
One!
Two!
Anarky kicks out, and I can’t say I’m surprised!
DM: Boogie Smallz slaps the mat in frustration... he’s only gotten angrier and angrier since this match has begun! I’d hate to see what will happen if he reaches his limit inside that cage! Nevertheless, he’s back up to his feet!
DT: Here comes Rezin, trying to rally back but still looking a little dazed after that big boot nearly crushed his face in! Rezin with a left-handed chop -- but Boogie STOPS HIM as he hand lights out and grabs the goat bastard by his BEARD!
MN: Rip that ratty thing right off, Boogie!
DT: Boogie, with Rezin by the facial hair, just powerfully TOSSES him aside --
SFX: *CRASH!!*
DT: -- and Rezin CONNECTS with the cage! Smallz is almost single-handedly dominating this match now!
DM: Anarky is just reeling on his feet at this point... and Boogie meets him with a boot to the gut! He’s setting him up into a standing head scissor and making a motion to the fans! Old-schoolers are cheering on the coming of the POWERBONG!!
MN: I think this could be IT!
DT: Boogie lifting Anarky up -- and Anarky COMES ALIVE up on his shoulders! Anarky thrashing away with rights and lefts at the exposed head of Boogie Smallz! Smallz is paralyzed in surprise -- and DROPS BACK to the mat with Anarky coming down on his chest!
DM: Anarky trying to mount the big man and continue pummeling away, and Boogie has to power him off of his chest! What a way to fight back from the brink of death by the “Anti” Champion! Both men up to their feet now... and Smallz goes for the LARIAT --
DT: DUCKED by Anarky! Anarky turns around and gets him by the head -- and now he’s trying to pull the big man around into the CHAOS BREAKER!!
DM: Anarky ALMOST HAS HIM TURNED AROUND, but can he get him into position to drop him into that DEVASTATING neckbreaker that has claimed so many victims?! Smallz fighting with every last bit of his strength... you can see he’s digging deep by the look on his face! He’s looking across the ring for help from his partner! Where is Alceo Dentari when Boogie Smallz needs him the most?!
DT: Dentari doesn’t even notice what’s going on right now! He’s too busy mouthing off and taunting the EPW crowd to see that his partner in this match is on the verge of being finished off!
MN: Forget that worthless punk, you moron! HELP BOOGIE!!
DM: Smallz, straining against the power of the TV “Anti” Champion, looks absolutely FURIOUS!! Anarky almost has him over... NO!! Boogie with a HARD ELBOW right into those wounded ribs breaks Anarky’s hold on his head! Boogie Smallz quickly grabs him by the shoulders -- MY GOD, WHAT A HEADBUTT!!
DT: It’s LIGHTS OUT for Anarky as he drops to the mat light a ton of bricks! Boogie going for the cover! Could this be IT?!
ONE!
TWO!
NO! It’s BROKEN UP by REZIN! Where was Alceo Dentari to keep him at bay?!
DM: Dentari’s only mildly interested in Boogie’s plight at this point... he’s clearly preoccupied with giving the Empire Pro universe a piece of his mind, and he clearly doesn’t approve!
MN: That’s fine, because I don’t approve of a loser like HIM!
DT: Rezin with a couple more stomps to Boogie’s broad upper back, but the big man just shrugs them off as he rises up to his full height and LOOMS over the Goat Bastard! If there was a word to describe Rezin’s face right now, it would undoubtedly be “MEEP!”
DM: Rezin turning tail and running away! He’s going back up the turnbuckle... no, climbing up the corner of the cage walls now! The Escape Artist is trying to ESCAPE this cage... or more specifically, escape the wrath of Boogie Smallz! He’s almost halfway up, but Smallz, with his height, reaches up and snags him by the cuff of his pants!
MN: Don’t pull down any more, Boogie! I’ve seen more that bum’s plumber’s crack than I’d care to remember!
DT: Rezin trying to kick him free, but Boogie has him by the ankle! Smallz climbing up the turnbuckle now, trying to pull the Escape Artist back down to terra firma... but Rezin counters with a KICK from his free leg, and Smallz DROPS HARD to the canvas! Good thing he was only up on the second rope, because if he’d fallen any higher, and the big man could have done some serious harm to his body!
DM: Rezin’s rethinking escape now as he sees Boogie on the mat, trying to get back up! Rezin dropping back down to the top turnbuckle, and setting himself up! He sees the opportunity to go for something big! Here’s Boogie back onto his feet...
DT: Rezin off the top with the REZINRANA -- AND BOOGIE CATCHES HIM ON HIS SHOULDERS!! Rezin realizes he just made a MISTAKE -- and Boogie BRINGS HIM DOWN AND OBLITERATES HIM WITH THE POWERBONG!!
DM: That had TREMENDOUS impact! Rezin nearly bounced his full height off of the mat and landed in a heap at the feet of the giant Boogie Smallz! What a MAGNIFICIENT counter move, and now Boogie has a chance to win this!
MN: Oh crap... here comes that Dentari idiot again!
DT: Dentari approaching Boogie, clapping his hands mockingly as if he’s congratulating Smallz for doing something useful for once! Smallz is RED with anger as he sees him! And look at the defiance of Dentari, trying to claim Boogie’s spoils by going for the pin attempt on the destroyed Rezin!
ONE!
TWO!
And BOOGIE just pulled Dentari right off of Rezin!
DM: WHAT?! Dentari was about to WIN!
MN: Correction... Dentari was about to STEAL the win... right out from the man who truly EARNED it!
DT: Boogie has Dentari up, and he takes him by the neck... MY GOD, look at him power the smaller man off the mat! Alceo Dentari’s legs are kicking HELPLESSLY out from under him! It’s like watching a man strangle a CHILD!
DM: I have no idea how he thinks he can win taking the fight to his partner, but this lethal lottery team has completely broken down by now!
DT: And Dentari just got DROPPED right onto Boogie’s knee! Boogie setting up the doubled-over Alceo Dentari... hooks him around the waist... OH MY GOD, WHAT A SUNSET FLIP POWERBOMB!!
DM: THAT’S A THREE HUNDRED POUND MAN WITH A THREE-HUNDRED PLUS DEGREE POWERBOMB!! I DON’T BELIEVE IT!!
MN: BELIEVE ‘DAT, Dean-O!! Boogie Smallz has Ninety-Nine Problems, but winning this match with a chain and ball like Alceo Dentari weighing him down AIN’T one!
DT: Smallz has just completely destroyed his own partner... and now he stands in the ring, looking over the scene of devastation! The other three men are down, and this match is in the palm of his hand! What’s his next move?
DM: He... wait a sec, it sounded like he just said “uff it”, and now he’s going to the cage wall! Smallz climbing up, going for an escape! He probably realized that there are too many distractions to win by pinfall by this point!
DT: I don’t know about that, Dean! If anything, I think Boogie Smallz is GIVING UP on this match!
MN: As well he should! He no doubt feels absolutely disgusted having to waste his time with such untalented trash in the ring right now, and he’s had enough!
DT: Smallz halfway up the cage wall, nearing the top... Rezin, meanwhile, shaking off the effects of that Powerbong, sees somebody about to escape the cage, and quickly pulls himself together to chase him down!
DM: I guess Rezin feels nobody should escape the cage except for the self-styled “Escape Artist” himself! Boogie near the top, but at three-hundred pounds, he can only move so fast! Rezin, coming up the cage wall behind him, and moving at almost twice the speed! He can really move up those cage walls like a spider!
MN: More like a cockroach, but I guess we can agree on the bug thing at least.
DT: Boogie’s at the top of the cage wall now, and he’s in the process of getting leg over... but now there’s Rezin tugging at his other leg, keeping him from going the rest of the way! Rezin climbing up to his level now, and Boogie’s trying to brush him off! But Rezin STUNS HIM with a rake to the eyes!
DM: Things can get pretty dangerous when two men get at the top of a cage! Rezin pulling himself up to Boogie’s level now, and both men are straddling the cage wall! Rezin’s got Smallz by the head and lays in one heavy left hand after the other! He’s going to try and send him back down into the cage, but -- BUT BOOGIE JUST GRABBED HIM BY THE THROAT!!
DT: Oh man, this is where things could get UGLY!! Rezin gasping for air as Boogie lifts him up! He’s going to CHOKESLAM HIM from the TOP OF THE CAGE!!
MN: This stoner idiot likes falling from high places anyway!
DT: Rezin struggling to get free, but Boogie tightens grasp and -- REZIN BLASTS HIM IN THE FACE WITH RESINOUS MIST!! RESINOUS MIST to Boogie’s face! MY GOD, that is revolting!!
MN: That sick goat bastard!
DM: Boogie turned his head aside to keep it from getting into his eyes, but he still can’t help but succumb to the revulsion of having that black sludge spat into his own face, and he tosses Rezin aside like a broken toy!
DT: Rezin FALLING FROM THE TOP -- OH NO, he just BARELY grabbed the top of the cage at the last minute! A half a second later, he would have tumbled back into the ring! Boogie Smallz, meanwhile, curses the goat bastard as he wipes his face and gets his other leg over the cage wall! He’s OUTSIDE at last!
DM: Boogie climbing down... no stopping him at this point! And he drops to the ringside floor! Smallz is out of the cage, but it won’t be considered and official victory unless Dentari escapes the cage himself! And considering he just left him to the wolves, I don’t think that’s likely at this point!
DT: Smallz walking away from the ring and back up the ramp! He’s shaking his head in disgust, not even caring how this one turns out!
Crowd: “BOOOO!!!”
DM: The fans are letting Smallz hear it for walking away, but he clearly isn’t concerned with their feelings...
MN: Nor should he be! These people have done nothing for him! They should be thankful they even got to see Boogie Smallz back in the ring, and they should be PISSED to see he talents wasted fighting disgusting losers like Rezin!
DT: Perhaps he realizes his chances of winning the tournament a severely unlikely with a partner as unreliable and disloyal as Alceo Dentari... but still, I think any man who walks into the ring should see every match through to the bitter end, even when he knows the hope for victory is virtually impossible. He owes these paying fans that much!
MN: That’s nothing but hogwash, burger boy! Boogie Smallz deserves better than this, and Dan Ryan should have given him a better partner!
DM: But his partner in this match, Alceo Dentari, gets back to his feet, looking woozy and seeing Boogie Smallz exit through the entry-way! He’s been totally left to fend for himself now!
DT: And he doesn’t see the TV “Anti” Champion ANARKY stalking him from behind now! Anarky recovered right around the same time, and found Alceo Dentari fed to him on a plate! Dentari slowly turning around... and Anarky CATCHES HIM WITH THE CHAOS BREAKER!!!
DM: Alceo Dentari is SLEEPING WITH THE FISHES after that one! Anarky going for a cover... but wait, he stops himself? He’s looking up to the top of the cage wall now, where Rezin is just now pulling himself back up, trying to catch his breath! Anarky wants his partner to put the nail in the coffin by doing the one thing he does best!
DT: Rezin sees Alceo Dentari laid out and unmoving, and quickly gets perched onto the cage wall! Rezin with SURPRISING balance as he stands up his full height, towering over this capacity crowd from the pinnacle of the cage... and he COMES OFF WITH A BEAUTIFUL MOONSAULT -- !!
SFX: *KER-SLAMMB!!*
DT: HE NAILED IT!! Rezin with the DARK SIDE OF THE MOONSAULT from the very top of the CAGE WALL has just left Alceo Dentari as a stain on the mat!
DM: The Goat Bastard rolls around the ring in agony now, clutching his hurt ribs in the wake of that devastating high-flying feat! And yet, despite the pain, the crazy bastard is LAUGHING like a madman!
MN: What a freak...
DT: There’s no coming back for Alceo Dentari after that one! Anarky goes ahead and makes the cover this time!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!! This one is OVER!!
SFX: *DING! DING! DING!*
[CUE UP: “More Human Than Human” by White Zombie as Anarky rises to his feet in triumph, pulling his arm away as Pat Jones tries to raise it in victory. Rezin cackles with all the feeling of a mad scientist beholding the beauty of his latest creation, slapping hands against the cage wall as he taunts the jeering fans in the audience. After a moment, the two look to each other. Anarky holds up a finger and nods, mouthing the words “That’s one...”]
DT: A big win for the TV “Anti” Champion, Anarky, and his Number One Fan, Rezin, as they move on to the next round in this King of the Cage tournament! It wasn’t pretty, but with the element of chaos running rampant within the cage enclosure around the ring, they managed to get it done!
MN: Only because Boogie bailed once he realized how pointless this whole tournament really is! Alceo Dentari couldn’t do anything for him as a partner in this match! In fact, he did exactly what Boogie warned him NOT to do, which was get in his way!
DM: Regardless, while Boogie Smallz showed he is still just as much the dominant powerhouse he always was in the wrestling ring, no man can win a team-based tournament on his own. Smallz and Dentari couldn’t coexist on the same side. The same can’t be said about their opponents, however.
DT: You’re right on that, Dean. Rezin and Anarky benefited greatly in this match simply by watching out for each other. In this case, you can’t really determine who was the best wrestler in this battle, but you can definitely say the better team came away with the victory!
[After the cage door is unlocked, officials enter the ring to tend to Alceo Dentari, and the victors exit, with Anarky retrieving his EPW Television Anti-Championship. As he passes by, Rezin grabs the camera and points to his partner as he gets his face in close to give us all a look at the black slime still trickling out of the corner of his mouth and into his beard.]
Rezin: There he goes! The ANTI-Champion! The ANTI-Hero! The ANTI-Christ of professional wrestling! All of you pampered, self-righteous tools left in the King of the Cage tournament are officially on notice! The Herald of Hatred ANARKY is coming with all the wrath of CHAOS to shake the pillars of this Empire, and with ME watching his back, NOTHING will stop us from destroying your pointless game of power and pride! We are the FUTURE Tag Team ANTI-Champions of EPW, and anybody who tries to get in the way of that will be SMOKED into ash!
[The goat bastard cackles again and turns his attention to taunting the ringside fans as Anarky leads the way up the ramp to the back.]
DM: Pat Jones and Malcolm Joseph-Jones have to be somewhat concerned knowing they’ll be pitted against these two hardcore hellions in the next round of the King of the Cage tournament!
MN: MJ2 showed some promise earlier tonight! I have no doubt that he’ll whip that loser Aaron Jones into something not quite so worthless, and the two of them will end this little crusade of destruction for once and for all!
DT: That marks the end of the first round of the King of the Cage tournaments... and there have been a number of surprises thus far, such as the pairing of Teddy Alexander and Sam Turner, and Dirk Dickwood Presents being given a second chance after a narrow defeat. For now, however, this marks the end of tonight’s show... join us again, ladies and gentlemen, when we bring you the next round of cage matches at Aggression 70, where more surprises await us! For Mike Neely and “The Showstealer” Dean Matthews, I’m Dave Thomas, and --
[Dave is cut off when the music and lights both suddenly cut out.]
DT: Hang on a second... what’s happening here?
DM: I’m not sure, Dave... we’re only moments away from our broadcast being cut.
MN: So somebody hit the lights! That’s our cue to go home!
[CUE UP: “The Ecstasy of Gold” by Ennio Morricone.]
[Light fills the arena as projected footage fades in over the EmpireTron. A sweeping flyby shot passes over a range of snow-capped mountains. The music follows the montage of scenery sweeping by, escalating as a lone figure appears standing tall on one of the craggy peaks.]
MN: What the hell?! Are we watching the work-out scene Rocky IV!?
[The shot cuts down to the level of the man on the mountain, dressed in a thick parka and jeans and standing with his back to the camera. We zoom in, and the music reaches its first major crescendo as the figure turns around and shows his face to the camera.]
Crowd: *MEGA-POP!!!*
MN: WHAAAAT?!
DM: I DON’T BELIEVE IT!! HE’S BACK!!
DT: INDEED HE’S BACK, DEAN!! IT’S HIM!! IT’S ROCKO DAYMON!!!
[The capacity crowd is livid at the sight of the former World Heavyweight Champion as the song reaches its epic azimuth. A moment later, the shot goes to black, and bold words soon appear on the screen:]
UNLEASHED
“THE UNDYING” ROCKO DAYMON
RETURNS TO EMPIRE PRO
DT: ROCKO DAYMON is COMING BACK to EPW!! UNLEASHED!!
DM: A dynamic return for one of the federation’s most dynamic stars! What’s going to happen when the Paragon of Professional Wrestling Excellence returns to the EPW ring?
MN: Damnit, how many more people are coming out of RETIREMENT!? Is... SHE going to be next?
DT: Folks, we are completely out of time! More news on this announcement, the expected Intercontinental Title announcement, and more wrestling action when we see you again at Aggression 70! Good night!
[Fade out to the EPW logo.]
