Crimson Calling v. Team VIAGRA
DT: Well ladies and gentlemen, with our seventy-fifth installment of EPW Aggression, we’re sure to expect a lot of appearances from Empire Pro stars of the present AND the past! Right now, we’re about to give you a bit of the latter
MN: Please don’t let it be Ice Tre… PLEASE don’t let it be Ice Tre!
DT: Real quick, let’s go backstage with our man Kenny Lombardo, standing by with one of the federation’s first tag teams… the CRIMSON CALLING!
[The shot fade cuts backstage, where KENNY LOMBARDO is standing with a mic, flanked by two men not seen on EPW television by at least a couple years. To his left, dressed in a well-tailored black suit with a complimentary scarlet dress shirt, stands MR. NATHAN FEAR, looking a bit more gray in his age, but ever so much smug and arrogant as remembered. At the reporter’s right shoulder towers “THE RUSSIAN HAMMER” IVAN DALKICHEV, who still casts a long shadow, even as he appears to have trimmed a few pounds in the two years he’s been out of the ring.]
LOMBARDO: Here you have it, fans...Empire Pro’s first honorary tag team champions! Well, the bulk of the team, in any case. Ivan, Nathan… it’s great to see you guys back in the Empire Pro locker room! Completely overwhelmed with nostalgia right now!
FEAR: Mr. Fear.
LOMBARDO: ...uh, I’m sorry?
FEAR: Let’s not get all chummy, shall we, Kenny? Cut the informalities and address me from here on out as only “Mister Fear”, if you’d be so kind.
LOMBARDO: Uh, right, sorry… but anyway, Mister Fear, tonight for Aggression 75, we’re all expecting to see the original Hammer and Sickle reunite for some old-school EPW tag team action. However, I can’t help but notice that one half of your team isn’t here right now.
FEAR: You’re referring Erik?
LOMBARDO: Well, yes… known back in the early days to everyone as “The Sickle” Erik Black, but more popularly known today as the nefarious REZIN.
FEAR: Is that what he calls himself these days? I swear, that blithering idiot has gone through more names than I can count. Anyways, yes, for whatever reason, Mr. Black has decided to make himself scarce for the time being.
LOMBARDO: Can’t say I blame him, given the way he parted ways with the both of you on two separate occasions. Many remember two years ago at Aggression 60, when Erik Black first revealed the dark side of Rezin by taking a steel chair to the knee of “The Raging Russian” standing right here next to me. As for you, Mister Fear, I’m sure you haven’t forgotten the unfortunate circumstances that resulted in your ejection from this company back at Wrestleverse III.
FEAR: You’re damn right I haven’t forgotten that embarrassing incident. As for Ivan… as you can see, two years later, he’s recovered and back on his feet, and thanks to my guidance, he’s put himself into the best shape of his life. All the same, he still remembers the night Erik betrayed him in that ring and tried to ruin his career… rage like that never goes away.
LOMBARDO: It’s a wonder then that the two of you even agreed to this reunion.
FEAR: Pride is a hard pill to swallow, Kenny. But at the end of the day, Ivan and I will always maintain professionalism. Tonight is about giving the Empire Pro faithful something they’ve longed to see for years… the return of the Crimson Calling. I can’t speak for Erik, but honestly, he isn’t any concern for the two of us. With or without him, we intend to go out there tonight and represent the very best of how the fans remember the good old Hammer and Sickle of professional wrestling.
LOMBARDO: Well, that’s reassuring to hear. Still, given the former Sickle’s unpredictable nature as of late, don’t you think there’s a cause of concern? I mean, what’s to stop him from just taking another chair and hitting Ivan in the back of the head again, just for the hell of it?
[Mr. Fear opens his mouth to respond, but stops himself following a low growl rumbling off of the mountain of a man standing on the other side of the reporter. Knowingly, he nods to Kenny, and reporter holds the mic up a ways to the level of the Russian-born powerhouse. His cold blue eyes appear to be filled with vengeful rage, staring off into his space as his thick words come out slow and deliberately.]
DALKICHEV: If he tries anything tonight… I will break him.
[He lets the weight of the words sink in before brushing past the reporter. Mr. Fear proudly strides after him, leaving Kenny alone before the camera.]
LOMBARDO: Well, there you have it! Looks like Mr. Fear and Ivan Dalkichev may have forgiven Rezin for his actions, but they haven’t soon forgotten! Let’s go back to you guys as they make their way to the ring!
[Cut back to the ring area.]
[CUE UP: “Mir budet takim” by Bad Balance.]
[The shot swings back to the stage as the curtain drifts open and the towering IVAN DALKICHEV steps out, closely followed by his longtime manager NATHAN FEAR. Making his first appearance in EPW in a couple years, Ivan pauses briefly at the top of the ramp to pump both fists into the air, getting a decent pop from old-school fans who still remember his work in the company. His fierce blue eyes, however, remain fixated on the ring. He starts his descent down the ramp at a slow pace, with Fear close behind, primping his talent to the fans teeming over the barricade.]
TF: Making his way to the ring, and accompanied by his manager Nathan Fear… please welcome back to Empire Pro, “the Raging Russian”... IVAN DALKICHEV!!
DT: Two years ago in Baltimore, Erik Black took a chair to the knee of his longtime friend and partner, Ivan Dalkichev. A few weeks later I personally confronted him about that incident in the ring, and the world was introduced to REZIN for the very first time. But at last, Ivan Dalkichev has fully recovered from that attack… and I have to say, he looks to be in REMARKABLE shape!
MN: No question about that, Burger Man! Mister Fear must have him on a REALLY grueling training program, or something! It looks like during that whole time he wore a cast on his leg, he just shed off all the excess fat and left nothing but murderous muscle behind!
DM: Never underestimate the thirst for vengeance, Neels!
DT: Ivan Dalkichev has been counting the days until his comeback… and while he and Mister Fear have said they intend to be professionals tonight as they reunite with the black sheep of the Crimson Calling for the first time in years, I don’t know how long this man would be able to hold himself back. Erik Black tried to END his CAREER that night two years ago. Now he has to trust that fiend once again as a tag partner. Something about that just doesn’t roll off your back.
MN: I don’t know… he’s got a REALLY big back!
[Mr. Fear ascends the corner steps as Dalkichev reaches ringside, pulling himself up to the apron by the top rope and stepping over the whole set as he enters the ring. He double pumps his fists again, circling around the ring, and a moment later both men set their sights on the entrance…]
[CUE UP: “Legalise Drugs and Murder” by Electric Wizard.]
[The house lights come down as torrential rivers of black, noxious SLUDGE flow across the EmpireTron. A booming negative reaction from the capacity crowd heralds the entrance of REZIN, striding out onto the stage with a new black duster modified with a grim reaper hood pulled over his head, customized shades resembling a “melt” look, and his trademark bastard’s grin etched on his face. After taking a moment to bask in the sea of negativity surrounding him, he hoists the EPW Television Title into the air, intentionally positioned upside-down in an inverted mockery of the belt’s storied legacy. The fans pelt him with jeers, but the rampant anger and misery among the fans only feeds his pride, as told by the sick smile on his face. He dangles the belt in front of every ringside fans he passes by on his trip down to the ring, ignoring their insults and kindling the fires with his showboating.]
TF: Introducing next, the partner… formerly of the Crimson Calling [formerly the CHRONIC COLLIZION!!], he is your NEW Empire Pro Television Champion! Ladies and gentlemen, hold your BREATH and avert your EYES to the toxic presence of the ESCAPE ARTIST… REZIN!!
DT: I never thought we’d see the day… but the day has arrived, and now I’m seeing it with my own eyes! Empire Pro’s dastardly Escape Artist REZIN now represents the federation’s broadcasting outreach as the EPW Television Champion!
MN: And it’s about time, if I say so myself! After years of scraping away at the bottom, Erik Black has finally risen to a place of prominence among the Empire Pro elite! Any arguments as to whether or not this man is anything less of a professional wrestling LEGEND are right now completely moot!
DT: Not sure I completely agree with that statement… although credit has to be given to Rezin for his hard-fought victory back in his hometown of Indianapolis at Aggression 74. Even though it ended in the cheapest manner possible...
DM: It wasn’t pretty, but through dirty wrestling and sheer desperation, he managed to steal it away from the impressive reigning champ, Malcolm Joseph-Jones, who in turn took that belt from his friend and mentor, Anarky.
DT: Something tells me MJ2 isn’t going to forget about that match anytime soon… but for now, the self-styled “goat bastard” Rezin is enjoying these fifteen minutes of fame by strutting his stuff down the rampway, clearly beyond thinking about any repercussions at this point. But what he SHOULD be worrying about are the two men standing in the ring, who still have some unresolved beef with the former Sickle of the Crimson Calling!
MN: Formerly the CHRONIC COLLIZION!!
DM: Please, God, don’t start that up again…
DT: Well, in any case, it looks like he’s left his sludge bucket backstage for tonight’s match, but now I see he’s going for the mic, so it seems the new TV champ has some words for the masses. Bear with us, ladies and gentlemen, as we try to get through this together...
[As he hits the ring, the champ immediately takes the mic from Fatora and clears him from the ring following a quick threatening gesture. As the music cuts, he turns to Dalkichev and Fear, standing by themselves in the corner. He holds out his arms in a welcoming gesture and wears a big smile on his face, but they remain defensive and cautious.]
REZIN: Ah, Big ‘Van… Mister Fear… it’s great to see you guys again!
[He turns his attention to the crowd, taking a moment to bask in a few reps of “RE-ZIN-SUCKS!!” from the fans while the besmudged belt rests on his shoulder.]
REZIN: Bet you poor ignorant fools NEVER thought you’d see the three of us standing in the ring together again! But hey, stranger things have happened. Just look at this!
[He pats the belt a couple times, leaving a few black finger smudges on the face as he does so.]
REZIN: To the fans watching at home, PLEASE… do not get up and readjust your television sets! What you are seeing is not a trick!
[He pulls the belt off, holding it close to his face. We’d probably be seeing the gilded reflection of his hair-matted face if the face of the belt didn’t have a layer of grime across it.]
REZIN: This is your prestigious Empire Pro Television Title, resting on the labored and grudging shoulders of this federation’s one true pariah and scapegoat! This is your LEGACY of ten years and seventy-five Aggressions, around the waist of the man you said was too WEAK and LAZY to ever attain greatness!
[The fans jeer, and Rezin chuckles, pacing back and forth while Ivan and Mr. Fear patiently wait in the corner.]
REZIN: But you know, it’s funny… because for the past couple years, I’ve been pretty clear on my views on championships in Empire Pro. For the most part, I’ve said that they’re WORTHLESS… nothing but tokens of proof that you beat a guy who beat a guy. Material objects, for wrestlers who are too STUPID to see where true talent lies. Just like this Empire… material… fake… WORTHLESS!
Crowd: “BOOOOO!!”
REZIN: Two years ago, I stood in this ring and openly declared that I would DESTROY Empire Pro, one belt at a time. Two years later, I finally have my first belt… and don’t get me wrong, I would love nothing more than to just walk out the back door of this shithole and toss this thing into the dumpster on my way out!
Crowd: “BOOOOOOOOO!!!”
REZIN: But to be completely honest, there’s been a bit of a change in my cold, black heart in recent weeks. Maybe it was holding onto championship gold for the first time in years… or maybe it was a case of learning from the mistakes made by my man ‘Nark. Whatever the case, what I know to be true now is that this belt, this Television Title...
[He springs up onto the second turnbuckle on one of the ring posts, holding the belt up to his face and looking over it with crazed euphoria.]
REZIN: THIS is not worthless! THIS... MEANS... SOMETHING!!
[His gaze goes into the crowd for a moment as the “RE-ZIN-SUCKS!!” chants pick up again.]
REZIN: Understand me, my little lambs... I’m not here to represent “greatness”. I’m here to END IT!
Crowd: “BOOOOO!!!”
REZIN: I am the one who snuffs out the light of hope! I putrefy the air of ambition and pride with the bitter stench of the ugly truth! I am eternal… beyond the weak and the strong… beyond the old and the young. I am DEATH FUCKING INCARNATE!
Crowd: “BOOOOOOO!!”
[Grimy gums line a twisted smile spread across his face. He holds the belt up once again for all to see]
REZIN: And every time you ignorant whelps out there see this title from now on, YOU WILL KNOW that it means the END of “greatness”! Just like I ended the rise of that MALCOLM JOSEPH-JONES…
[The crowd pops loud at the mention of the former champ, and Rezin sneers.]
REZIN: That googly-eyed nobody… all that talk and all that hype, but I was the ONLY ONE who saw through it! That’s what makes me a BETTER Television Champion! I mean, even the definition of the word “Television” basically translates to “distant sight”... and I’ve got that in abundance.
[He pops a couple fingers up against his temple and seems to pop into a trance-like state as he suddenly stands still and focuses his gaze.]
REZIN: And like a true far seer from ancient times, who could look MILLENIA into the future, into the very end of times, all the way the fall of mankind… I gazed into the distance, and saw everything that lied ahead. I looked beyond all the fake hype, and all the grandeur, and all the so-called “grape-ness”. In the end, none of that phony, idealistic nonsense could hold its own weight in water. You want true substance? Well…
[He takes a moment to twists a finger up his nose, takes a moment to admire the unspeakable thing mined out, and flicks it into some front-row kid’s face.]
REZIN: True substance… is something you have to DIG for. And through years of being BURIED beneath the filth and the lies of your upper crust celebrity superstar wrestlers, it was substance that won out in the end. An ugly substance, to be sure… but the truth isn’t a pretty picture, you imbeciles. Just like the truth you’re facing now, staring at me with this belt. Some of you probably think this is the end of times… and hey, I’d like to think some of you are right. Heheheheh…
[Dry chuckling gives in to a dry fit of hacking and coughing. He spits something into his jacket before continuing.]
REZIN: But armageddon isn’t going to be swift and boring, oh no… this cancer has only begun to take root. Aggression 75 may not be the absolute end for this wretched Empire… but if you don’t see the pillars of this flimsy foundation beginning to quake, then you have nobody to blame but yourself when it all comes toppling down upon you!
[Rezin takes a moment to taunt the crowd by holding his arms out to the sides. They fight back by picking up a spirited “EE-PEE-DUBBYA!” chant.]
DM: Is this match going to happen or WHAT?!
MN: Let the man speak, Dean-O!
[The “E-P-W” chants give way to “M-J-2”... and the TV Champ quickly waves off the crowd’s upstart.]
REZIN: You know what? I’m sick of you mindless livestock bleating for your stupid heroes. Don’t you get it?! Malcolm Joseph-Jones was an over-bloated and underwhelming sack of CRAP, and you all drank his Kool-Aid! I BROKE that poor brainless bastard… and still you cheer for him?!
[He shakes his head with the kind of disgust any rational minded person would give him back.]
REZIN: You idiots really just don’t get it, do you? Well fine… why don’t I just rip your simple little minds apart once again! Why don’t I call that bum on out here and SHOW YOU just how broken, harmless, and insubstantial he really is!
Crowd: *POP!!*
REZIN: FINE THEN!!
[Ivan and Fear exchange a confused glance. Meanwhile, a snarling Rezin spins around and points toward the stage.]
REZIN: MALCOLM JOSEPH-JONES… HEY, KOOL-AID… as your new Television Champion, I up and DEMAND that you get your busted ass out here right now!
[The crowd begins to get ancy as Rezin daringly paces up and down the ropes, eyeing the entry-way.]
DT: Is he being serious right now?
MN: DEADLY serious! He knows MJ2 poses zero threat to him! Besides, he’s got a mastodon like Ivan Dalkichev in his corner!
DT: How does Dalkichev factor into this? He looks like he just wants to get this match started!
[CUE UP: “Best of the Best” by KU.]
[The crowd POPS HARD as MALCOLM JOSEPH-JONES, in full ring gear and looking ready to rip somebody in half, boldly storms through the entry-way and doesn’t break pace on his way down the ramp. Coming up behind him at his own pace is his as of yet unnamed MYSTERIOUS ADVISOR. Rezin’s sneering grin melts only slightly, as though a bit surprised to see MJ2 appear as quick as he did.]
DT: The former Television Champion wastes no time coming out as soon as he’s summoned! I’d almost wonder if he was already on his way to the ring before Rezin even called him out!
MN: This guy’s just DESPERATE for attention now that the Escape Artist knocked him out of the spotlight!
DM: I don’t know if THAT’S the reason he’s here right now, Neels. Rezin had to smear his filth into MJ2’s face back in Indianapolis to win that Television Title… and if you think Malcolm Joseph-Jones feels legitimately BEATEN after that, then I think you’re just as delusional as the goat bastard!
[Rezin gives a few obvious winks and reassuring nods to his partner Ivan, but Dalkichev looks completely confused as to what he could be inferring. Meanwhile, MJ2 stops as he reaches the ring and waits for the reassuring nod from his advisor before he slides into the ring. Rezin quickly makes a few neck-cutting motions to kill the music and starts talking before Malcolm can make his move.]
REZIN: Nice entrance, bro… but you forgot to come bursting through a brick wall!
[Rezin chuckles to himself while MJ2 FUMES in anger. The fans are still strong in chanting his name… “EM-JAY-TOO! EM-JAY-TOO!”]
REZIN: Ya know, Malc, ever since you walked through the door here at Empire Pro, you’ve been talking your talk, thinking you could back it all up by walking your walk… and that whole time, I kept on telling you that you were filling your head with idealistic nonsense. “Greatness” doesn’t lie at the end of the road… only DESPAIR and DEFEAT, which is all you have left!
[Rezin steps in closer, within a foot of Malcolm’s snarling face, daringly holding the belt up once again.]
REZIN: You thought after you won this belt, you’d finally arrived? Well, you were WRONG… and I TOLD YOU SO! Just like I predicted with my “DISTANT SIGHT”, you ended up being yet another lost soul trapped in the revolving door of EPW championships… another up-and-comer turned never-was… and it’s all because of ME!
Crowd: “BOOOOOO!!”
REZIN: I didn’t WANT to fuck things up for you, Malc, but you kinda went and forced my hand, because you refused to RESPECT ME! You took one look at me back at the King of the Cage when we first crossed paths, and wrote me off like I was nothing but a stepping stone to your thrice-dambed “grape-ness”... but surprise, surprise, Kool-Aid! You SLIPPED on that stone, and broke your dumbass!
[The crowd jeers loudly again. Rezin daringly takes another step forward, standing chest to chest to MJ2 and looking up into his face, completely fearless.]
REZIN: Now… I’m going to give you a pass, on account of every wrestler having to be young and stupid at some point in their careers. But now that I’m the champ and you ain’t, it’s time for you to man up and recognize the situation…
[Brazenly, he pokes MJ2 in the chest. The former champ doesn’t budge… doesn’t even flinch. In his eyes, a thousand suns are exploding into a nuclear firestorm of white hot rage.]
REZIN: Now I WANT YOU… to tell these fans not what the want to hear, but what the NEED to hear. I want you to tell them that you were WRONG… about ME, about YOU, and about everything. I want you to give me the RESPECT that EYE… FUCKING… DESERVE… for kicking your ass, after getting shit slung in MY face for ten years of constant struggle!
[He drops the shades, giving MJ2 his own murderous game face.]
REZIN: And you WILL do it… or I will kick your bitch ass out of this ring once again.
[Seconds pass as the two stare each other down in a moment of thick tension. Finally, Rezin draws up the shades again backs off, dropping the mic at the feet of Malcolm Joseph-Jones.]
DT: This guy has to have a death wish or something!
MN: It’s all about mental superiority, Dave! Rezin got the upper hand of MJ2, and he knows he could do it again! He’s already in his HEAD, breaking his confidence down bit by bit!
[MJ2 looks down at the mic for a moment before stoically picking it up. He raises it to his face and breaths heavily into it for a few seconds, carefully deciding how to respond…]
MJ2: ......Big words, little man. You sure this is what you want?
[Malcolm continues to breathe menacingly and heavily as the crowd continues chanting "M-J-2! M-J-2!". Rezin sneers with all the bike in the world before hawking and spitting something unnaturally foul-colored straight into MJ2's chest. Malcolm doesn't flinch. At this moment, Ivan and Fear look at each other, the scene before them, and each other once again before stepping through the ropes and away from the ring. MJ2's eyes glance over at Rezin's now-empty corner before a glimmer flicks in his eye.]
DT: Look at that - the cavalry is leaving Rezin high and dry!
DM: I don't know if they ever WERE the cavalry - and it looks like that last act of disrespect may have sealed the deal.
MN: Cowards! Don't they know who Rezin is? Don't they know that MJ2 is powerless?
[MJ2 raises the microphone slowly...]
MJ2: ...
DT: The crowd's EATING THIS UP! What's Malcolm going to say??
[...and blasts Rezin in the head with the mic, to thunderous cheers.]
DT: DOWN GOES REZIN! Malcolm Joseph-Jones is all over him, hammering blows right and left to Rezin's face! Rezin's doing all he can to cover up, but how much can he really block here?
MN: He can't do this! This isn't even his match! Get out of there, Rezin!
DT: Malcolm's got Rezin up on his feet now. Rezin, with a groggy right hand - blocked! He's got him hooked - GREATNESS BUSTER! Greatness Buster on Rezin, and the
Television Champion is down!
[The crowd resumes its "M-J-2! M-J-2!" chant as Malcolm lets out a guttural roar. He looks over to the mysterious advisor who is standing at the top of the ramp, and the advisor gives a short cross-armed nod. MJ2 forces Rezin up off the ground, peeling the barely-on-his-face sunglasses off his face, and throws him into the ropes. Rezin can barely keep his balance as he bounces off, right into a spear from MJ2.]
MN: We need security out here now! This isn't right!
DM: It looks like we were right - Malcolm is sending a message loud and clear tonight that he won't take losing the TV Title lightly, especially considering the circumstances of that loss!
DT: Rezin's taken a mauling out there, there's no question about it. Wait, what's this - Malcolm has him hooked, he has Rezin over his shoulder!
MJ2: REZIIIIIIN!
DT: GREATNESS BUSTER NUMBER TWO!!
[The crowd loves everything about the last 3 minutes of their lives. The mysterious advisor walks down to the ring with no reaction on his face. He picks up the smeared Television Championship and hands it to his man, along with the microphone. Malcolm plants a boot onto Rezin's chest and lifts the title high in the air and the mic to his face.]
MJ2: Rezin's right. This MEANS something.
[Breathing heavily and hyped up on about a gallon of adrenaline, he looks over to his advisor, who cracks a grin for the first time all night.]
MJ2: This. Means. WAR!
[Malcolm drops the mic as "Best of the Best" blasts through the speakers. He gives one last look at the championship belt before dropping it roughly 6 feet down onto Rezin's stomach. Rezin clutches his body rolls slightly to his side as Malcolm and his advisor make their way out, not responding to the ovation of the crowd.]
DM: Guys, Malcolm Joseph-Jones looks stronger than ever, and he's ALWAYS been a strong one.
DT: Strong words from the former champion, but I guaranTEE Rezin won't take this lying down for long. However, it's pretty clear he's got a six-foot-six mountain to hurdle over!
MN: He's the Escape Artist for a reason. He's not done. Malcolm Joseph-Jones has just made the biggest mistake of his EPW CAREER tonight.
DT: I don't know, Neels - he's been following the lead of that advisor of his lately, and it's hard to argue with the results so far!
MN: That's a good point - who IS that guy?! He's not on EPW payroll! He should be kicked out of the building for cheating along with Grape Drink over there!
[CUE UP: “I Hope You Die” by the Bloodhound Gang.]
[A solid face pop welcomes back TEAM VIAGRA as they step out onto the stage, which almost immediately cuts itself off at the sight of the formerly high-flying JACK HARMEN and his stockier tag partner TONY DAVIS already in the midst of an argument. Their shapely third member MARY-LYNN MAYWEATHER does what she can to keep the guys focused and get them down to the ring.]
TF: Introducing the opponents… accompanied to the ring by MARY-LYNN MAYWEATHER, and fighting at a combined weight of four-hundred and eight pounds… please welcome JACK HARMEN and TONY DAVIS… TEAM VIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAGGRRAAAAAA!!!
DT: Well I suppose it’s fortunate for the Crimson Calling, given the circumstances, that they’re going head to head against another team on the outs! JACK HARMEN and TONY DAVIS, together known as Team VIAGRA, are also scheduled later tonight in the battle royal main event! That conflict of interest seems have put them at odds with each other!
MN: Well yeah, I’d say it has… considering one of these guys tried to bust the other’s SKULL open back at Aggression 74!
DT: It will be every man for himself once that battle royale commences, as these two enter the ring again later to compete against each other and several others from the Empire Pro locker room for a spot in the main event at Wrestleverse V. For the time being, however, these two are finding it difficult to coexist…
DM: Tony Davis has been growing a bit of an ego as of late, and as for Harmen… well, his motivations are about as random as a Magic Eightball! I’d be surprised if Team VIAGRA could coexist WITHOUT a shot at the EPW World Heavyweight Title coming between them!
[In the ring, Ivan Dalkichev scoops the motionless Rezin off the mat by the neck and the waistband, and not-quite-so-gently drops him through the ropes and onto the apron to recover. As Team VIAGRA reaches the ring, Tony Davis quickly slides in and pumps his arms to the crowd, getting a rather lukewarm reaction and only further annoying his partner. Jark Harmen scales to the apron and hops the ropes, but is quickly halted by Davis.]
DT: Looks like Davis is insisting that HE be the one to start this off!
DM: Well, looks like this is already getting off to a rocky start…
SFX: *DING! DING!*
DT: The official cues the bell to begin the match, and now Tony Davis turns around, only to find the massive Ivan Dalkichev coming out of the opposite corner! Quickly, he turns back to Harmen and makes the tag!
MN: I mean, he’s gotta keep himself in reasonable shape for the battle royal! Let’s keep that in mind here!
DT: Sure, but where’s that put Harmen? Jack rolls his eyes, but nevertheless hops back into the ring as Davis goes to the apron! Ivan Dalkichev is EASILY twice his size and bearing down on him like a freight train! Harmen with the go-around, and he has Dalkichev in a waist-lock!
MN: Seriously… where’s he think he’s going with this!
DT: Harmen trying wiggle to the side, but Ivan doesn’t budge an inch! The Russian takes the lunatic by the wrist now… ARM DRAG quickly drops Jack Harmen onto his back, and Dalkichev practically SMOTHERS him into a headlock!
DM: This is exactly where Jack Harmen does NOT want to be against an opponent of this size!
Crowd: “HAR-MEN!! HAR-MEN!! HAR-MEN!!”
DT: The fans are rallying behind the former High Flyer, as Harmen struggles to free himself from under the mass of muscle and flesh that is Ivan Dalkichev! He isn’t having much success! Dalkichev rolling over now, and puts the shoulders down!
There’s one… and Harmen rolls the shoulder back up before two!
MN: Man, is this really going to be THAT easy for him?!
DM: It’s been less than a minute since the bell, Neels… don’t you think it’s a little too hasty to be passing judgments? Let’s not forget what an athlete like Jack Harmen is capable of!
DT: No doubt about that, Dean-O… Jack Harmen is one of the most gifted and accomplished athletes of this generation! But right now, he hardly seems the part trapped between the canvas and what I would assume is a rather uncouth Russian armpit!
MN: All that borscht really ferments the sweat glands in those areas! In some circuits, they consider this a legitimate sleeperhold, as long as a giant Russian guy is the one doing it!
DT: Harmen gritting his teeth, trying to get an arm in there and pry his way loose! He turns inward toward Dalkichev… now back OUT! Does he have it…?
DM: HE DOES!! Jack Harmen, wriggles free and slips away before Dalkichev can catch him! The Escape Artist could takes notes from that move by the master himself!
MN: If he were paying attention at this point… but he hasn’t moved from that apron in his corner since the bell rang!
DT: Jack Harmen has a chance now, springing up to his feet and taking a bounce off the ropes… SLIPS right through the slow and clumsy grasp of “the Russian Hammer” as he runs by… there’s the rebound -- but he gets CUT DOWN by a TITANIC back chop from Dalkichev, who was right there waiting for him! Harmen’s head ROCKED off of the canvas after that one!
DM: He’s still feeling the sting as he gets to his feet, and see Dalkichev waiting for him to come and try again! This is definitely proving to be more of a challenge than was originally anticipated!
DT: Harmen makes the tag to Davis, and here comes Tony into the ring, ready to give his team a showing of muscle! Davis wastes no time, going right after Dalkichev and the two lock up! Dalkichev, with the POWER of three regular-sized men, tosses Davis back to the canvas with EASE! Undaunted, Tony’s right back up… and goes into another lock up!
MN: Do these gas-huffers EVER learn?!
DT: Ivan Dalkichev isn’t playing around this time, as he overpowers Davis on this one, and manhandles him into a clinch hold! Davis struggling to get out, but Dalkichev draws him back in with double-underhooks… and UP and OVER goes Davis with the suplex!
DM: The tag team legend’s famed power is on full display here tonight, as Team VIAGRA continues to struggle finding a solution!
DT: Here’s Ivan, back on his feet… gets a bounce off the ropes, and COMES DOWN WITH THE ELBOW -- NO!! Tony Davis NARROWLY avoids getting his head crushed like a melon by rolling to the side! Dalkichev feeling the first sting in this match, albeit self-inflicted, but Davis has a shot on him as he tries to get back to his feet… running forearm strike stuns the big man! And there’s the DDT to follow through!
DM: Tony Davis, finding a way to get the job done! High Flyer sees an opportunity, and he’s asking for the tag!
DT: But Davis shakes his head, looking to make the cover here!
Lateral press… One… Two… and Davis gets THROWN off of Dalkichev, raging back to his feet!
MN: Uh oh… I think they just woke up the GIANT!
DT: Dalkichev is snarling like a rabid kodiak, but Davis is quickly back up and right in his face, peppering the jaw of the Russian-born suplex master with as many stiff forearm shots as he can get in! Ivan, soaking it up… STOPS DAVIS IN HIS TRACKS by seizing him by the NECK… and Davis gets PASTED into the mat with a two-handed CHOKESLAM!!
DM: OUCH! Harmen and Mayweather have to look away after watching the impact on that!
DT: Ivan Dalkichev, still feeling some of that DDT that put him on the mat, looks like he could use a tag… but the Television Champion on the apron in his corner is only JUST now trying to pull himself to his feet! He’s definitely in no condition to get in there just yet!
DM: Not that he really needs the help at this point!
DT: Perhaps… Dalkichev going back for Davis as he sits up and shakes the effects of that chokeslam out of his head! Ivan with the scoop… no, Tony fights back with FOREARMS to the mid-section! The big man is stunned… and Davis ROLLS all three-hundred plus pounds of mass to the mat with a quick Fireman’s Carry to put him down!
DM: That’s what they needed… and Davis wastes no time making the tag!
MN: Yeah, another minute in the ring with that grizzly bear, and he’ll be missing out on tonight’s main event! Maybe missing out on a couple arms too, if he ain’t lucky…
DT: Dalkichev rolling over, getting back up surprisingly quick… but Jack Harmen is FASTER, springing to the top rope -- MISSILE DROPKICK as he enters the ring, and Dalkichev staggers back into the ropes! Harmen back up and off the other side to get a full head of steam --
DM: Davis makes the BLIND TAG!
DT: It’s legal, but Harmen already bursting forward as Dalkichev staggers forward… CLIPS THE LEG with the low dropkick, and Ivan’s face BOUNCES off the canvas! He might have him stunned there, and Jack wastes no time going for the pin… but there IS no pin, because he’s not the legal man! Tony Davis, the legal man, quickly pulls him off and goes for the pin himself! Harmen looks INCREDULOUS!
One!
Two!
KICKOUT!
DM: Davis clearly doesn’t want to let his brother-in-law Harmen steal the show tonight!
MN: Well hey, every now and then, one member of a tag team just needs to shine brighter! Who knows? Aggression 75 could be his big night!
DT: Or it could be his greatest blunder if he bites off more than he can chew, but for the time being, Team VIAGRA have finally chipped away at Dalkichev and worn down a significant amount of the big man’s stamina! Harmen back to the outside, and Davis isn’t even going to risk getting the giant back up, instead rolling him over and hooking him into a stiff armbar!
DM: There’s no telling how much punishment a mastodon like Ivan Dalkichev can withstand before he goes down for good… but in the meantime, it doesn’t hurt to negate that overwhelming power game in the Russian’s arsenal!
DT: Davis beaming with pride as he wrenches the arm, trying to get something out of the fans… but Dalkichev hasn’t lost ALL of his strength, gritting his teeth and getting ANGRY as he powers his way back to his feet! Tony Davis is smiling no longer… and he goes to the MAT as Dalkichev reverses the armbar with a hiptoss! Davis back up -- and back DOWN as Dalkichev buries a size-seventeen boot into his face!
DM: It was good strategy by Davis, but he got a little cocky…
DT: Ivan Dalkichev, breathing heavy, really needs a moment of rest… but as he goes to his corner, Rezin, still looking wounded, holds up a hand and shakes his head! Come on, how much longer does he need here?!
MN: Give the guy a break, Burger Boy! Let’s not forget that he was assaulted only moments before the bell, and given practically no time to recorporate!
DT: You mean “recuperate”... and what happened before this match took place, the Television Champion had coming to him! For the time being, however, Dalkichev must still single-handedly fight on the behalf of the Crimson Calling, with his manager Mister Nathan Fear giving him his full confidence from the outside! Davis, meanwhile, recovers back to his feet, and finds Ivan Dalkichev bearing down on him once again! He gets ready for the grapple… no, he turns to his corner and tags in HARMEN!
DM: I don’t think Jack expected that!
DT: Davis quickly clears out of the Raging Russian’s path as Harmen again goes upstairs to make his entrance… NOT THIS TIME!! Dalkichev PLUCKS the former High Flyer out of the arm and hoists him right up into the GORILLA POSITION!
MN: Not quite the High Flyer he used to be…
DT: Davis back up on the apron, and -- HE BLIND TAGS AGAIN, connecting with Harmen’s ankle as Dalkichev spins him around to the center of the ring! Ivan has him right where he wants him now… OH MAN!! Harmen’s middle comes down over the KNEE with the drop, and Ivan Dalkichev nearly broke him in half!
DM: Ivan Dalkichev is putting up a great show tonight! It’s too bad he has to worry about TWO opponents instead of one!
DT: The other opponent rushes into the ring now while the Russian’s back is turn… Davis, the legal man, jumps up and BLASTS HIM over the head with a double axe-handle! Dalkichev reels… Tony Davis pulls him in… SIDE RUSSIAN LEGSWEEP! He only pulled that off because the big man still had his attention of Harmen!
MN: Using your opponent as a distraction is a great ploy! Cameron Cruise spent years as the PERFECT decoy for Joey Melton to work his own magic!
DT: Nice callback to another legendary team, the Cameron Cruise Project, but we’ve got two great teams in the ring right now… well, three-quarters of two great teams anyway! Rezin picks up his head off the ropes, just in time to see Tony Davis coming right at him with a RUNNING ELBOW -- and Rezin GOES TO THE FLOOR! He hasn’t been ANY HELP for the Crimson Calling tonight!
DM: Davis taking out Rezin is his way of finding an opportunity!
DT: Harmen in the corner, out of the way while he recovers, but Davis is looking for the finish here, scooping the stunned Ivan Dalkichev back to his feet! Draws him and hooks the arms… going for the EQUALIZER, but I don’t think he has enough!
MN: Too much BORSCHT in those buns!
DT: Davis looking to win in a big way… but can he get it done? Trying again… Dalkichev just won’t BUDGE! Now he digs deep… GRITS HIS TEETH… VEINS POPPING OUT OF HIS NECK as he PULLS UP with every last bit of strength!!
DM: He’s expending TOO MUCH before the main event!
DT: Dalkichev’s FEET leave the mat…
...and the big man TOUCHES DOWN and STANDS RIGHT UP, bringing the surprised Tony Davis up with him! Davis looking up and seeing only CANVAS… and Dalkichev hooks the arms before DRIVING HIM DOWN HEAD FIRST!! What an amazing counter by the Russian!
DM: He could certainly use a tag now, but Rezin is nowhere to be found on the apron, thanks to Davis!
DT: Come to think of it, Rezin’s not even on the ringside floor right now! Where the hell did he GO?! Did I not notice him leaving the ring?! Did he go through the audience?
DM: I’m not sure, Dave… and neither is Ivan Dalkichev nor Nathan Fear, looking to each other in confusion!
DT: Dalkichev starting to look worried now, as he’s fought alone since the bell… but it could be over now with a pinfall! Ivan drags Davis from the ropes… hooks the leg for the pin!
One!
Two!
Thre -- NO!! BROKEN UP by Jack Harmen! Harmen getting in some free kicks while he can before the official moves him back to the outside!
DM: There’s no way Dalkichev can finish this without somebody watching his back, but Rezin has disappeared! Under the ring, maybe?
DT: It’s possible… Davis has the opportunity to recover now, Dalkichev using the ropes to get up, and Harmen there in the corner, ready for a tag and reaching out! But Davis looks at him and says NO! He’s putting it on himself to FINISH THIS for Team VIAGRA!
DM: This is no time to be getting an ego!
MN: This is the PERFECT time! Can’t you imagine what they’ll say after tonight? Tony Davis… the GIANTKILLER!
DT: How’s that for irony? One competitor can’t tag out, and the other can’t tag in! Davis making it to his feet… Dalkichev up as well… Ivan with a BIG left haymaker, but Davis sidesteps! Tony still has the advantage in speed, going low around the waist of Dalkichev! Davis, swinging HARD to the right, trying to roll the big man down -- no wait, Dalkichev with a waistlock of his own… Davis off the mat -- AND IVAN DRILLS HIM WITH THE DALKICHEV LIFT!!
DM: EPIC IMPACT! He adopted that from Alexander Karelin, and made a massive improvement in devastation to suit his size!
DT: I think it may be over for Team VIAGRA! Did Ivan Dalkichev really just do this by himself?! Going for the cover…
ONE!
TWO!
THREE -- NO!! Davis gets the shoulder up!
MN: Couldn’t help but notice that Jack Harmen wasn’t in there to break that one up!
DT: Harmen remained on the apron, as he’s no longer interested in bailing Tony Davis out of his own mess, but he looks nevertheless relieved that his brother in law is hanging in there for Team VIAGRA! Davis is trying to hang in there, but Dalkichev is dominating the ring right now, bringing Tony up… and locks him right into a TIGHT bearhug! Davis is reaching over the shoulders of the giant, trying to make the tag… but Ivan is having NONE OF THAT, as he charges forward and sandwiches him against the turnbuckle!
MN: Oh right… NOW he wants to tag out!
DT: Davis looking hurt in the corner as Dalkichev backs out and beckons him back up! Here comes Ivan -- NO!! Davis lands a low shoulder block to the middle, and Dalkichev stumbles backwards! Davis to his feet… DAVIS WITH THE SCOOP -- HE GETS HIM OFF THE MAT!!
SFX: *SLAAMMB!!*
Crowd: *POP!!*
DT: THREE-HUNDRED PLUS POUNDS, slammed straight onto the canvas! UNBELIEVABLE feat by Tony Davis!
DM: It took a lot of his strength to pull that off! Does he have enough to make the tag?!
DT: The crowd, once put off by the ego of Tony Davis, are solidly in his corner now after that body slam on the big man! Davis is getting reenergized, being cheered on by Mary-Lynn Mayweather from the outside and his own brother-in-law, the former High Flyer, JACK HARMEN, reaching over the ropes for the tag!
DM: Hang on a sec… movement on the other side of the ring! Is that who I think it is!
DT: It’s REZIN! You were right, Dean! He WAS under the ring!
MN: No doubt, he felt that slam and realized it was time to come back into this thing!
DT: Meanwhile, Davis on his hands and knees, crawling to his corner… Dalkichev beginning to stir, trying to get up as well! Davis sees Harmen… he pushes himself up… DIVES… TAG MADE! The crowd goes WILD as Jack Harmen flips the ropes and takes to the ring!
MN: RISE, Fatass, RISE!!
DT: Dalkichev struggling to get up as Jack Harmen has him right where he wants him… DIVING CROSS CHOP across the chest drops Dalkichev back to the mat! Ivan sits up… HARMEN WITH THE SNAPMARE to follow up! Ivan’s head just BOUNCED off the mat! Harmen back up in an instant… STANDING MOONSAULT!! Lateral press for the PIN!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE -- NO!! Dalkichev got the shoulder up, but the momentum has completely shifted in this match!
DM: The legendary Harmen is letting all LOOSE in there right now! Dalkichev is completely gassed, no thanks to Rezin, and Jack has him right where he wants him!
DT: Ivan slowly trying to rise up again as Harmen claps his hands and gets the fans rallied together! Here he goes, off the ropes, and -- NO!! REZIN PULLS HIM TO THE OUTSIDE!!
DM: UNBELIEVABLE!! NOW he gets involved!
DT: Rezin with Harmen back up… MY GOD, NEARLY DECAPITATES HIM WITH THE DAMASCUS HEEL on the outside! Jack Harmen has been TAKEN OUT! This is blatant interference!
MN: No, Burger Boy, this is a well timed COMEBACK! He waited in the shadows until the right moment to strike, and Jack Harmen’s moment of glory has been RUINED!
DM: Funny how he all of a sudden doesn’t look too HURT anymore… but Ivan Dalkichev, coming back to his feet and seeing his partner out there, doesn’t find it quite so amusing! No doubt he wonders where Rezin was when he needed the tag!
DT: Dalkichev is yelling at Rezin to get back to the apron so he can tag out! The big man looks completely EXHAUSTED right now! But now Rezin holds his ribs and his neck, hobbling away from the scene as if the mere act of WALKING were too painful!
Crowd: “BOOOOOOO!!!”
DM: These fans know a con job when they see one, and Dalkichev ain’t biting on it!
DT: TOO LATE!! TONY DAVIS Pearl Harbors him from being! Dalkichev reeling forward… AND DAVIS FOLLOWS UP with the bulldog! Now the official turns his attention from Rezin to Davis! Rezin now... it looks like he’s pulling out something with him from under the ring! What is that…?
DM: You know EXACTLY what it is!
MN: IT’S THE SLUDGE BUCKET!! OH YES, somebody’s gettin’ TAINTED tonight!
DT: He must have had that thing hidden down there the whole time!
MN: I thought that smell was just YOU, Dean!
DM: Funny, Neels… although Rezin won’t be laughing if the referee spots that disgusting vessel anywhere near the ring!
DT: Well now that the referee is trying to stop Tony Davis from railing away on Ivan Dalkichev, Rezin is free to make his move! He gets Harmen to his feet, rocks him with a forearm shot to the face, and rolls him back in under the ropes… now he’s got the bucket and trying to follow, but Mary-Lynn Mayweather is trying to stop him! Rezin rudely brushes her off with a KICK!
Crowd: “BOOOOOOO!!”
MN: Hey, she was interfering! She had it coming! Girls like that are just supposed to stand there and look good!
DT: Rezin unhindered now, entering the ring and pulling that bucket in with him! Now he stalks up behind Tony Davis, who hasn’t noticed! Rezin with a tap on the shoulder… Davis glances back, double-takes, and WHIRLS AROUND with the clothesline -- DUCKED by Rezin! Now he gets in front… UP and BACK DOWN WITH THE REZ HIT!!
MN: Well, he certainly didn’t see that coming! But hey, the ref DID tell him to get his ass out of the ring!
DT: Amazingly enough, REZIN is now the lone man standing in the ring, after spending most of it on the outside, pretending he was too hurt to compete! He still hasn’t got anything in outside of cheap shots though… and now he looks into the crowd with that sick grin on his face, pointing to the bucket!
Crowd: “BOOOOOO!!”
DT: Now he points at HARMEN and HOLDS UP HIS NOSE!!
DM: That can’t be a good sign!
DT: Rezin going for the bucket! The referee sees what’s happening and tries to stop him, but Rezin ignores it and brushes by! He’s got ahold of that bucket now, and Harmen is slowly getting back up! Rezin is right in his blindspot!
MN: Right where he WANTS to be!
DT: The official, desperately trying to prevent something bad from happening, grabs the bucket by the handle and tries to wrangle it free! Rezin struggling… and he SHOVES the referee stiffly to the side!
DM: That should be the BELL right there! He’s completely out of line if he thinks he can get away with covering the legendary JACK HARMEN in that filth!
MN: He can do whatever the hell he damb well PLEASES! He’s the TELEVISION Champ!
DT: Hold up… Dalkichev coming to behind Rezin, seeing this! Now he’s on his feet! Harmen almost up, and Rezin’s just waiting for him to turn around… Dalkichev grabbing Rezin by the arm -- and REZIN TARS DALKICHEV!!
Crowd: “OOOOOOOHHH!!!”
DM: Oh man, he done MESSED UP NOW!!
DT: Dalkichev is now a standing sticky obelisk of boiling black RAGE, looming over Rezin, who stands completely dumbfounded beneath him! No doubt, he must have thought it was the referee trying to take the bucket away again, but instead he made a fatal error!
MN: Time to RUN!
DT: Dalkichev GRASPING -- but Rezin SLIPS around! Rezin SCREAMING IN TERROR as he flails across the ring in a panic, the Russian chasing him down like a rabid swamp monster! Rezin through the ropes -- but NATHAN FEAR stops him from leaving the apron!
DM: His former manager has had enough of this! The Escape Artist is NOT getting away!
DT: BAM! Ivan Dalkichev clubs his partner on the apron, and the referee calls that a TAG! Dalkichev, with a snap of the ropes, ROLLS Rezin into the ring, and finally he’s in this match on an official level! Rezin back up, screaming angrily at his partner!
MN: No, no, TURN AROUND!
DT: Rezin suddenly remembering who he’s in the ring with! He turns around…
LO-CO-MOTION!! JACK HARMEN came driving the CRAZY TRAIN OUT OF NOWHERE, sending Rezin CORKSCREWING into the canvas!
DM: Fear and Dalkichev are letting Team VIAGRA HAVE this one!
DT: Harmen with the cover for the win!
ONE!!
TWO!!
DAVIS TAGS HIMSELF IN!!
Crowd: “WH-HUH?!”
DM: You gotta be KIDDING me!
DT: Harmen DRAGGED out of the ring, and Davis through the ropes! After all that, he’s going for all the glory!
ONE!
TWO!!
THREE!! IT’S OVER!!
[CUE UP: “I Hope You Die” by the Bloodhound Gang.]
[Davis pops to his feet, whooping victoriously, but getting a very mixed reaction. Harmen is tangled in the ropes on the apron, looking completely confused and betrayed.]
TF: Ladies and gentlemen, announcing the winners of the match…
TONY DAVIS… and JACK HARMEN…
TEEEAAAMMMM… VIIIIIIAAAAAAAGGRRRRAAAAAA!!!!
DT: Well, Team VIAGRA come away with the win here tonight, although in a rather anti-climactic fashion, with Tony Davis stealing the show from his brother-in-law, Harmen!
DM: It almost seemed at one point through this match that Tony Davis was putting his ego aside and using the solidarity of the team as his strength… but that all went out the window in the final moments, and now Team VIAGRA finds itself right back where it began walking into the ring!
MN: Alas, that’s just the sign of a lousy team!
DT: A lousy team that managed to score a win over a team some would call legendary, and over a Television Champion at that!
MN: Bah… they clearly took advantage of MJ2’s attack before the match! If Rezin had been 100% at the bell, this would have been a different story!
DT: Harmen and Davis have taken back to arguing, and Mary-Lynn Mayweather jumps in as well, trying to get these two to a peaceful resolution! Meanwhile, Mr. Nathan Fear hands Ivan Dalkichev a towel, as the two surviving members of the Crimson Calling take to the ring and loom over the slightly stirring Rezin!
DM: Looks like Dalkichev could easily take his revenge on Rezin now!
DT: Strangely, though, he doesn’t look at all interested! Even as he wipes the bastard’s disgusting muck from his face and out of his hair, it almost looks like he can only feel PITY for his former friend and partner at this point!
DM: Team VIAGRA could take a lesson from these guys on what goes wrong when egos run rampant, if you ask me.
DT: Main event is still to come, where Davis and Harmen will be opponents, along with a slew of other challengers! We need to take a break, fans, but don’t go away!
