Ask not what CSWA can do for you...

[EastPrez]

(FADEIN: To 'Hot Property' EDDIE MAYFIELD standing in a hallway, dressed in his wrestling gear: 'Wet Look' PVC pants with orange and white flames licking up the sides, HHH-wrapped hands and forearms, and wearing another gaming T-shirt, black, with 6 GTA wanted level stars on the front*. MAYFIELD is nursing a big bandage with spotty blood stains on his head. On one shoulder he has the CSWA PRESIDENTIAL Championship belt, and a chip on the other. He looks a little older, but has a cleanly shaven face, looking more like current day '24' Kiefer than Young-Guns Kiefer. You DID know that Mayfields' not black, right?)

MAYFIELD: (Producing a Camel magically from behind his ear and just as quickly, appears in his lips - one swift motion. He produces a flame-covered zippo and sparks it, taking a few test charges before he begins.) "Well, what a difference a few months make, huh? (Snickers, then goes back to frowning) I was enjoying my summer vacation, catching up on some video games I missed out on, working on some secret diabolical schemes, and I even got a tattoo! Look! (MAYFIELD rolls up his right sleeve to reveal a glowing red 'Hot Stuff the little Devil' tattoo, covering his upper arm**) and I even filmed a couple of episodes of JOEY, as Tom 'Rapid-Fire' Ramone, the wacky porn-star-alias-waiter neighbor, who gets kicked out of the complex for trying to film porns in the clubhouse. Good Summer. (Smiles)

So it's time to come back to work and LOOKIT THIS S[BLEEEEEP!] My rubbing, picking and squeezing and hitting it up with clearisil finally removed that blemish on the face of wrestling. This pimple had a first name, it's C-H-A-D. And now, WOW, I'm sitting here looking at this memo, and Stephen Thomas is back from hell, the guy who has more mysterious deaths than a Marvel Comicbook villain. Well, congratulations, Stevie - The Fantastic Four saw you fall off the edge of the Hoover dam, and watched you plummet to your death - but NO! GASP! YOUR'E ALIVE, AND ON MY MONITOR! (Golf claps) That's great drama, man - congratulations. So thinking that we can be friends since my enemy's enemy is my friend, you go hauling off and strip Dan Ryan, the man I was raking over the coals in the makings of bringing that big gold hubcap of a championship belt home to Jacksonville, Florida....

And what did you do, Stevie? WHAT THE F[BLEEEEEEEEP!] DID YOU DO?! (Takes a long ash on the cigarette and smacks it off of the wall behind him) COME ON, MAN! JESUS! It's like I gotta MURDER someone around here to get what I want! (Breathes) but ... no... no, it's cool. I'll work around this. (Smiles) But... I mean, JOEY MELTON? You wanna give someone a hand-out? Give it to Henderson Bramble, Shamon, or the guy who hosts Blind Date on the TV. He'd make a good paper champion, almost a eerie shadow of the Arquette/WCW fiasco. Why doncha do that, man? It's just about as hot. (rolls eyes)

Hey, nothing against you, Melton, but F[BLEEEEEP!] you and your paper belt. If YOU can be the paper champ, then I guess I can be the champ too... (Reaches down off camera, and pulls up an childish, cardboard and aluminum foil 'belt' with velcro on the straps that says 'jWo Paper Champion' on the face, crossed out with two white paintstrokes, replaced with 'CSWA World Champion' scrawled on it with a wedged marker! MAYFIELD slaps it on his other shoulder, and shrugs his shoulders.)

I mean, Steve, I remember when GUNS ran around this place with a bottle of piss on a rope, but that's a little too gross for Ol' Eddie to get down with, so I'll try this. (Slaps the 'belt) This place has a history of making poor title choices, and this one is the new, improved Pimp My Belt 2004 Edition. So what do you say Thomas? Why doncha go get your boy and let's have a little unification match, since this belt and that ass[BLEEEEEP!] you strapped at a press conference have the same amount of cred in my eyes right now? Come on, man. You know you wanna. You know that Eddie Mayfield, no matter what piece of sh[BLEEEP!] you decide to put a bow around is still just a piece of sh[BLEEEEP!] can't deal with Hot Property, so I'll make it easy on you. Just make the call, and I'll put Melton on my back and carry his ass to a respectable championship match... because you know... heh - EYE CAN DO THAT. I hope you didn't expect me to be all happy about this Management change, Thomas, so don't think otherwise unless I TELL you it's ok to think otherwise. I'm nice like that.

So, yeah what else? Oh... right. You see, Your President. lord and ruler had a little quickie match a few moments ago against Shane 'OOOOOOH, I'm Dark now! Buy my new shirt DUHHH-HYUK!' Southern, and Shane got me pretty good on the nugget with a steel chair. (Rubs his head absent-mindedly) yeah, man, you must've been watching tapes of Cojones Mercado - you bopped me good. And what did that prove? It proves a few things to me - it proves that Shane Southern still ain't proving jack to me, but now... HE'S NEW AND IMPROVED AND ON HIS WAY TO TURNING HEEL! (Jumps up and down, clapping, faking excitement) and it proves that the CSWA is STILL worried that I've got it's number, if thats' all you gotta do around here to get some heat ... Stevie, me and you need to talk. Shane, frankly, you're not even in my mind right now, but trust me, I'll get you back for the chair. But don't sweat it - I've been bashed over the head a million times, and I still know my multiplication tables (Smiles) - still sharp as a tack, bro.

So let's recap: Merrit out. Good. Thomas in, Bad. Ryan stripped. Bad. Melton strapped. WORSE. Southern still insignificant. Par the course. Eddie Mayfield better than the rest of these chumps. ALWAYS. Summers over, Main Eventers - I've been to Staples and got my supplies, so it's time to take CSWA back to school, Mayfield-style. OVER."

(FADEOUT as MAYFIELD spits on the ground)

* http://www.gameskins.com/item--Wanted-Tee--gssh027
** http://facs-newmedia.finearts.yorku.ca/nadine/comics/hotstuff/hotst68.jpg

 

[GreggG]

...But Ask if Eddie Mayfield matters

(CUT TO: "THE NEW ORIGINAL" JJ DEVILLE, sitting down in a barca lounger chair, PS2 controller in his hand, wearing a new Green Day "American Idiot" tour t-shirt, hair pulled back in a ponytail, Buddy Holly glasses and a smirk.)

JJ: Well, just when you thought it was safe to get back in the water, the CSWA has to get the band back together. But this ain't that new Partridge Family casting call show. This ain't the debut of CIS: New York. What we're doing here is starting right where we left off. And that was with me, Jay Jay DeVille, THE NEW ORIGINAL, breaking out from where I was and becoming this promotion's NEWEST PHENOM!

But one man, one man already KNOWS that while I might not have always had my head screwed on right, I always brought game. That man is our so-called Paper Champion, our so-called President, Eddie Mayfield. He just also happens to be a man who, any time he has stepped foot in the ring with me, has woken up staring at ring lights hanging 35-feet over his head, wondering where he was and how he got there. Eddie Mayfield, the scheming, cheating evil bully of this promotion, the writer of the book "How to be a Heel," also has fame and acclaim for another thing... AND THAT'S NEVER HAVING BEATEN ME~!

Now, I hear Mayfield out here, runnin' his mouth like he's a 5th grader reading his "What I Did On My Summer Vacation" to the class. But what Mayfield neglects to tell you... he's strictly short-bus, Special Ed. You taped some bits for Joey, Special? The only thing YOU did for Matthew LeBlanc, Mayfield, is his LAUNDRY. From what I hear, you spent all summer bragging to Hollywood's B-List that you "knew Troy Windham personally" and spent the summer interning for former Saved By The Bell cast members, getting them whores while you lurked like a Level 5 Megan's Law violator in the closet beating off, whimpering, saying you wish you could be just a little bit more like Screech. Or what about the select few indie dates you chose, where you tried to stick it in some 15-year-old rat cokehead valet but instead left her dissapointed 'cause, once again, just like you do in matches against me.... you came up a little bit short. (JJ holds up the "one inch" with his thumb and index finger.)

But Eddie, now that the Best Summer Ever is over, let me be the first to welcome you back and tell you what I did over the summer. I put on another 20-pounds of solid muscle, spent a LOT of time on the mat and, most importantly, I rocked the summer's hottest new game, CSWA Anniversary. And guess what, chump? I just beat this game and, unlike you and heels everywhere... I didn't need a cheat code to do it.

(The camera pans to the screen. On it, a digitized JJ DeVille, in slo-mo, hooks the digitized Eddie Mayfield in the "Coup DeVille" spinning pedigree into the pin. The next shot is JJ DeVille holding the gold while standing on the middle rope. In words, on the bottom of the screen, it reads THE CHAMP IS YOU!)

JJ: The crowd ain't chanting Four More Years, Mr. President. What they're saying is Say It Ain't So... and you're going to hear that when I take your title. (FTB)