SigilOfLeviBF
Terrance's #2 Fan
- Joined
- Jan 1, 2000
- Messages
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[updated:LAST EDITED ON Sep-01-03 AT 00:15 AM (EST)](FADEIN: A smokey comedy club, and, uh, a bunch of people are there blah blah blah, a guy with a purple jackets comes up to the mic.)
MAN: Alright, I wanna welcome ya'll to the Comedy Pouch here in Possum Ridge, and boy, do we got a lineup tonight, I tell ya. I haven't seen a group of men so desperate for laughs like this since I was, uhh...I mean...ummm...
CROWD: BOOOOOOOOOOOO! BOO! GET OFF THE F*CKIN' STAGE, BUDDY!
MAN: Ok, no, I...ok. You know what was cool about Hitler, right? He didn't take sh*t from magicians...
CROWD: GOOOOO AWAY! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU SUCK!
MAN: 'Vhere is ze Rabbit?! VHERE IS ZE RABBIT?!'
CROWD: YOUUUUUUUUU BLOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!
MAN: Nevermind, nevermind. Ok, our first comic is a man you're all familiar with. When he's not managing Castor V. Strife in the ring, he's making movies with Billy Dee Williams. This is his first time on a stage, so you know he's greener than his green card, but still hung like my ex-wife...HERE IS...BENJAMIN V. HERNANDEZ! A.K.A. EL PUTAAAAAAA!
(Subtle claps, Benjamin comes out in his mask.)
BENJAMIN: Yeaaaah, thank you everybody! Thank you! Hey, we got any Chicanos in the audience tonight? I only ask 'cause I wanna make sure none of my family is here tonight (drums) ooooooooooh! Really, really, you're a great crowd, great crowd. So, America, huh? Yeah, you heard what Bush said this week? Some dude asked him if he approved of Arnold running for governor, and his response was, "I think it's about time we had an Australian in office." (drums) OOOOOOOOOHHHHHH! I got 'em in the crosshairs tonight, man.
CROWD: YAWN! YAWN! F*CK YOU!
BENJAMIN: I love you too, man. So yeah, I never played sports in high school. It's ok, I wound up being famous anyway, you know? Hey, we got any former high school starting quarterbacks here tonight?
CROWD: Yeah, I started in high school; GO WILDBIRDS!
BENJAMIN: That's cool, so what gas station do you work at now? (drums) OOOOOOOOOH! Too hot for the grill, duuuude! Too hot! I'm cookin' patties on my Foreman! OOOOOOH!
CROWD: BOOOOO! MEXICO SUCKS! GO BACK THERE! BOOOOOOO!
BENJAMIN: Why did you just divide 'Go back to Mexico' into two sentences? Wow, this guy really puts his time and effort into putting Chicanos in their places, man. What the hell are the Wildbirds? What'd you, play in the woods with a telescope?
CROWD: GOOOO HOOOOOOOOME!!!!
BENJAMIN: Ok, I will, lemme just call my ride. (Pretends to dial on a telephone) 'HELLO, INS?' (drums) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! But seriously, don't call them on me. So what do you guys think about the Olsen twins?
CROWD: I PAID GOOD MONEY FOR THIS SHOW!
BENJAMIN: Really? Remind me later to go back in time and hand your dad a condom. You guys know how to prevent El Presidente of the United States from being assasinated? Make a Mexican Vice President. That's right Mr. Gunman, open up the borders...
CROWD: DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!
BENJAMIN: Ok, well, that's all the time I have for tonight.
CROWD: THANK GOD!
BENJAMIN: Just kidding, I got like ten more minutes.
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO! BOO!
BENJAMIN: So let's talk about wrestling now, huh? You guys hear that DJ Havok guy talking smack on the radio, man? Hey DJ, if I wanted to hear nothing but boring, repetitive garbage on my way to work, I'd put Jean Rabesque's matches on mix tape. (drums) OOOOOOOOOOOOH! OH OH OH! Gotta give respect to Hornet though, he's been in the game a long time, paid his dues, ya know? I'm trying to find old tapes of his first matches, before he was a big name, but I'm having trouble getting my hands on any. Although, I hear you can read about them in the bible. OOOOOHHH! I believe it's the section of Deuteronomy where Peter scalps CSWA tickets. (Drums) The guy's old, the guy's old!
CROWD: I'M LEAVING!!!!!!
BENJAMIN: Ok, see ya later, man! (Waves) I've been hearing lately that Comissioner Craig Miles has been taking a lot of heat for his apparent drug use. I say, to hell with that! Drugs are creative! Jimi wrote Purple Haze on 'em, remember? Page wrote pretty much everything high, right? Hell, Comissioner Cocky was high when he thought up the NFW North and South...oh, wait a minute, forget it, drugs are bad! Stay away from drugs! (drums) I wanna know who sold Miles that bad stash. I'd accuse Quentin Sullivan, but that middle-aged dork couldn't sell p*ssy to the chess club, let alone something that involves NFW, senor. Am I right or am I right? OOOOOH YEAH! (drums)
CROWD: PLEASE DIE YOUNG! PLEASE DIE YOUNG!
BENJAMIN: Oh, and speaking of p*ssies, I feel real bad for Damien Priest getting fired, I really do, but a man like that is sure to be hired by Mr. Wizard on the spot. Hey Damien, ya think that pet brain of yours will come in handy the next time you're thinking of a ring persona? (drums) OHHHHHHHH! OH OH OH! Maybe you could cut it in half, and give one to Joey Melton so he gets the clue that NOBODY CARES! OOOOOOOH! (drums) Hey, you know how Damien Priest was born?
CROWD: NO, AND WE DON'T CAAAAAAAARE!
BENJAMIN: Gabriel Poe tried to clone himself, HAHAHAHAHAHA! ARRIBA! My doctor told me I was an insomniac, so what did I do? I had Shane Southern come over my house and wrestle in front of me, worked like a charm! (drums) Is that a church bell I hear, or is that just Taco Bell? Please, please, I'm available for children's birthday parties! You know Cocky Comissioner Craig lost a bet to me? Yeah, it's true; I told him if I drank him under the table, he had to buy a piece of turd. The next day, I put King Krusher's contract for base salary on his table and said, "Now be a man, honor your bets, and sign this!" (drums) HAHAHAHAHAHA! BOOM, BABY, BOOM!
CROWD: CAN WE GO HOME NOW? WHEN IS IT OVER!
BENJAMIN: Yeah, one time I bet Montezuma 50 bucks I could drink him under the table. So whaddya know, the guy hands me a 50 and unzips his pants! OOOOOH! I told him, "Monty, I'm sorry, but I don't smoke Cubans!" OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH! (drums)
CROWD: PLEASE LEAVE!
BENJAMIN: NEVER, I WON'T GO! Hey, I just wanna congratulate Shane Southern on having a kid. I'm sure little Evan Aho will grow up to be a big strong professional wrestler just like his daddy! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, and speaking of family, I'd like to take this time to correct myself on something I said earlier. You see, in actuality, Michael Manson gave birth, actually gave birth, to Gabriel Poe, but he was so ashamed of his lesser half, that he cast him off. So what Gabriel did to get back at him was clone himself, but instead, Damien Priest turned out to be an even bigger disappointment, and in turn, Gabriel Poe tore out Priest's brain and forced him to forever tread the earth carrying it in a little jar. Ok, that's it for me tonight folks!
::crickets chirp::
You've been great! Goodnight!
(FTB)
MAN: Alright, I wanna welcome ya'll to the Comedy Pouch here in Possum Ridge, and boy, do we got a lineup tonight, I tell ya. I haven't seen a group of men so desperate for laughs like this since I was, uhh...I mean...ummm...
CROWD: BOOOOOOOOOOOO! BOO! GET OFF THE F*CKIN' STAGE, BUDDY!
MAN: Ok, no, I...ok. You know what was cool about Hitler, right? He didn't take sh*t from magicians...
CROWD: GOOOOO AWAY! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU SUCK!
MAN: 'Vhere is ze Rabbit?! VHERE IS ZE RABBIT?!'
CROWD: YOUUUUUUUUU BLOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!
MAN: Nevermind, nevermind. Ok, our first comic is a man you're all familiar with. When he's not managing Castor V. Strife in the ring, he's making movies with Billy Dee Williams. This is his first time on a stage, so you know he's greener than his green card, but still hung like my ex-wife...HERE IS...BENJAMIN V. HERNANDEZ! A.K.A. EL PUTAAAAAAA!
(Subtle claps, Benjamin comes out in his mask.)
BENJAMIN: Yeaaaah, thank you everybody! Thank you! Hey, we got any Chicanos in the audience tonight? I only ask 'cause I wanna make sure none of my family is here tonight (drums) ooooooooooh! Really, really, you're a great crowd, great crowd. So, America, huh? Yeah, you heard what Bush said this week? Some dude asked him if he approved of Arnold running for governor, and his response was, "I think it's about time we had an Australian in office." (drums) OOOOOOOOOHHHHHH! I got 'em in the crosshairs tonight, man.
CROWD: YAWN! YAWN! F*CK YOU!
BENJAMIN: I love you too, man. So yeah, I never played sports in high school. It's ok, I wound up being famous anyway, you know? Hey, we got any former high school starting quarterbacks here tonight?
CROWD: Yeah, I started in high school; GO WILDBIRDS!
BENJAMIN: That's cool, so what gas station do you work at now? (drums) OOOOOOOOOH! Too hot for the grill, duuuude! Too hot! I'm cookin' patties on my Foreman! OOOOOOH!
CROWD: BOOOOO! MEXICO SUCKS! GO BACK THERE! BOOOOOOO!
BENJAMIN: Why did you just divide 'Go back to Mexico' into two sentences? Wow, this guy really puts his time and effort into putting Chicanos in their places, man. What the hell are the Wildbirds? What'd you, play in the woods with a telescope?
CROWD: GOOOO HOOOOOOOOME!!!!
BENJAMIN: Ok, I will, lemme just call my ride. (Pretends to dial on a telephone) 'HELLO, INS?' (drums) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! But seriously, don't call them on me. So what do you guys think about the Olsen twins?
CROWD: I PAID GOOD MONEY FOR THIS SHOW!
BENJAMIN: Really? Remind me later to go back in time and hand your dad a condom. You guys know how to prevent El Presidente of the United States from being assasinated? Make a Mexican Vice President. That's right Mr. Gunman, open up the borders...
CROWD: DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!
BENJAMIN: Ok, well, that's all the time I have for tonight.
CROWD: THANK GOD!
BENJAMIN: Just kidding, I got like ten more minutes.
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO! BOO!
BENJAMIN: So let's talk about wrestling now, huh? You guys hear that DJ Havok guy talking smack on the radio, man? Hey DJ, if I wanted to hear nothing but boring, repetitive garbage on my way to work, I'd put Jean Rabesque's matches on mix tape. (drums) OOOOOOOOOOOOH! OH OH OH! Gotta give respect to Hornet though, he's been in the game a long time, paid his dues, ya know? I'm trying to find old tapes of his first matches, before he was a big name, but I'm having trouble getting my hands on any. Although, I hear you can read about them in the bible. OOOOOHHH! I believe it's the section of Deuteronomy where Peter scalps CSWA tickets. (Drums) The guy's old, the guy's old!
CROWD: I'M LEAVING!!!!!!
BENJAMIN: Ok, see ya later, man! (Waves) I've been hearing lately that Comissioner Craig Miles has been taking a lot of heat for his apparent drug use. I say, to hell with that! Drugs are creative! Jimi wrote Purple Haze on 'em, remember? Page wrote pretty much everything high, right? Hell, Comissioner Cocky was high when he thought up the NFW North and South...oh, wait a minute, forget it, drugs are bad! Stay away from drugs! (drums) I wanna know who sold Miles that bad stash. I'd accuse Quentin Sullivan, but that middle-aged dork couldn't sell p*ssy to the chess club, let alone something that involves NFW, senor. Am I right or am I right? OOOOOH YEAH! (drums)
CROWD: PLEASE DIE YOUNG! PLEASE DIE YOUNG!
BENJAMIN: Oh, and speaking of p*ssies, I feel real bad for Damien Priest getting fired, I really do, but a man like that is sure to be hired by Mr. Wizard on the spot. Hey Damien, ya think that pet brain of yours will come in handy the next time you're thinking of a ring persona? (drums) OHHHHHHHH! OH OH OH! Maybe you could cut it in half, and give one to Joey Melton so he gets the clue that NOBODY CARES! OOOOOOOH! (drums) Hey, you know how Damien Priest was born?
CROWD: NO, AND WE DON'T CAAAAAAAARE!
BENJAMIN: Gabriel Poe tried to clone himself, HAHAHAHAHAHA! ARRIBA! My doctor told me I was an insomniac, so what did I do? I had Shane Southern come over my house and wrestle in front of me, worked like a charm! (drums) Is that a church bell I hear, or is that just Taco Bell? Please, please, I'm available for children's birthday parties! You know Cocky Comissioner Craig lost a bet to me? Yeah, it's true; I told him if I drank him under the table, he had to buy a piece of turd. The next day, I put King Krusher's contract for base salary on his table and said, "Now be a man, honor your bets, and sign this!" (drums) HAHAHAHAHAHA! BOOM, BABY, BOOM!
CROWD: CAN WE GO HOME NOW? WHEN IS IT OVER!
BENJAMIN: Yeah, one time I bet Montezuma 50 bucks I could drink him under the table. So whaddya know, the guy hands me a 50 and unzips his pants! OOOOOH! I told him, "Monty, I'm sorry, but I don't smoke Cubans!" OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH! (drums)
CROWD: PLEASE LEAVE!
BENJAMIN: NEVER, I WON'T GO! Hey, I just wanna congratulate Shane Southern on having a kid. I'm sure little Evan Aho will grow up to be a big strong professional wrestler just like his daddy! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, and speaking of family, I'd like to take this time to correct myself on something I said earlier. You see, in actuality, Michael Manson gave birth, actually gave birth, to Gabriel Poe, but he was so ashamed of his lesser half, that he cast him off. So what Gabriel did to get back at him was clone himself, but instead, Damien Priest turned out to be an even bigger disappointment, and in turn, Gabriel Poe tore out Priest's brain and forced him to forever tread the earth carrying it in a little jar. Ok, that's it for me tonight folks!
::crickets chirp::
You've been great! Goodnight!
(FTB)